Vote for Me (in the JIBS)
I've been nominated in the Jewish and Israeli Blog Awards for Best Contribution/Blog that Made a Difference and am in Category B. I'm not sure if I am deserving. But if anything I've written on my blog has made a difference in your life (or in your pocketbook), I'd appreciate your vote.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
JO Review: Of Facts and Figures
The Introduction to the Jewish Observer's "Tuition Dilemma" feature, "Vibrant Memories Indelible Imprints," introduces the articles to follow as drawing upon presentations that took place at the National Convention of Agudath Israel in November 2005.
The author in "Raw Figures and Precious Neshamos" starts by repeating figures that are dated by nearly 7 years. The author quotes an Avi Chai foundation study of 2000 stating that day school/yeshiva tuition range between $5,000 and just over $18,000. Unfortunately, these staggering tuition figures are far more staggering today. While I cannot determine the lower tuition across the US, I can report that the $17,000 tuition figure that nearly made choke on my dinner last year has now increased to just over $18,000 this year. Ari Kingsberg reports that the tuition in Riverdale's SAR has now topped $26,000.
(MB--Are you still reading my blog??? This is for you.) I hate to be correct, but I predicted the 2006/07 tuition rates nearly to the dollar by applying the average percentage tuition increase from the past three years and projecting it into the future. You don't even want to know what tuitions could be in 5 years, much less 10. But if the cost of education continues to increase at a rate well beyond that of your average Certificate of Deposit, we are in trouble.
And let us not forget that these tuition figures are not "all inclusive" as special class trips and graduations are extra. Also, there are often hidden costs like transportation (anyone purchased a newer and bigger vehicle than they currently need for carpool?) or even uniforms that impact the family budget. (Please don't laugh about uniforms. I know one family who claims the most expensive outfits their girls own are their school uniforms. I believe them).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other topic of the introduction was the salaries of mechanchim. Nearly everything presented has been said before and I have no doubt that the author is accurately reflecting the sentiments of those in the chinuch professions. A brief summary: Mechanchim are not paid enough and must seek extra income to support their families. The minimal salaries make it difficult to find or retain quality staff.
The author did not bring up the lack of timely payment which some might tell you is far worse than not being paid what was agreed upon on time. (Unfortunately there are schools out there that have never paid their workers. I won't name names). Even if we cannot solve the tuition crisis all at once, working on a halachic problem like this which undermines employee morale could go a long way.
But I felt the author took a far too gratuitous jab at more Modern Orthodox schools when he stated, "the typical yeshiva's tuition income does not permit it to come anywhere near the salary and benefits level of public schools or wealthy suburban day schools," when introducing his comments above.
Modern Orthodox and even non-Orthodox schools suffer from many of the same challenges that the more right wing schools suffer from. In fact one of the problems that the Modern Orthodox community has is finding teachers from within its own ranks as the push for aliyah is great and teachers are armed with degrees from recognized Universities and Colleges and can more easily choose to pursue options outside of the frum world. Attracting staff and retaining staff is an uphill battle in modern schools, despite generally higher tuition charged (and most likely collected).
And outside of a handful of administrators in select day schools, I have yet to hear of teachers being offered anywhere near the level of benefits of those in public schools, even where salaries come close to that of the public school counterparts. And how can the benefits come anywhere close even if the funding is there? The Orthodox world lacks a regional or central body that can negotiate benefits or administer benefits.
(Of note: See the Jewish Action's article "Averting a Crisis in Jewish Education: Retirement and the Jewish Educator" for a more Modern Orthodox perspective. Of note is the unified efforts in Chicago where a community has come together to combat some of the issues and offer better benefits. We could all use a lesson from Chicago).
While I'm sure that involved in the Yeshiva world schools look upon their counterparts in the Modern Orthodox day schools as "wealthy," it would be of service to realize that we are all in the same boat, even if the dollars don't add up quite the same. And friends of mine in the Modern Orthodox day school world will quickly point to their counterparts in the Yeshiva world that there are rarely, if ever, tuition discounts for teachers (not administrators) and that they must stand before the tuition committee just as everyone else.
I'd like to explore the issues of staffing at a later time and would welcome guest posts from readers more in the know. There are many interesting aspects to staffing issues in school. Some questions I would be interested in:
* Is it more difficult to attract and/or retain male teachers than female teachers?
* How do frequent pregnancies of female teachers impact on school budgets and education where frequent absenses require the hiring of substitute teachers as well as inconsistencies in education? (A related subject: Post-seminary students who leave mid-year to get married).
Once again, I look forward to your comments. And bear with me as I comb through the JO's Tuition "Dilemma" Issue.
The Introduction to the Jewish Observer's "Tuition Dilemma" feature, "Vibrant Memories Indelible Imprints," introduces the articles to follow as drawing upon presentations that took place at the National Convention of Agudath Israel in November 2005.
The author in "Raw Figures and Precious Neshamos" starts by repeating figures that are dated by nearly 7 years. The author quotes an Avi Chai foundation study of 2000 stating that day school/yeshiva tuition range between $5,000 and just over $18,000. Unfortunately, these staggering tuition figures are far more staggering today. While I cannot determine the lower tuition across the US, I can report that the $17,000 tuition figure that nearly made choke on my dinner last year has now increased to just over $18,000 this year. Ari Kingsberg reports that the tuition in Riverdale's SAR has now topped $26,000.
(MB--Are you still reading my blog??? This is for you.) I hate to be correct, but I predicted the 2006/07 tuition rates nearly to the dollar by applying the average percentage tuition increase from the past three years and projecting it into the future. You don't even want to know what tuitions could be in 5 years, much less 10. But if the cost of education continues to increase at a rate well beyond that of your average Certificate of Deposit, we are in trouble.
And let us not forget that these tuition figures are not "all inclusive" as special class trips and graduations are extra. Also, there are often hidden costs like transportation (anyone purchased a newer and bigger vehicle than they currently need for carpool?) or even uniforms that impact the family budget. (Please don't laugh about uniforms. I know one family who claims the most expensive outfits their girls own are their school uniforms. I believe them).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other topic of the introduction was the salaries of mechanchim. Nearly everything presented has been said before and I have no doubt that the author is accurately reflecting the sentiments of those in the chinuch professions. A brief summary: Mechanchim are not paid enough and must seek extra income to support their families. The minimal salaries make it difficult to find or retain quality staff.
The author did not bring up the lack of timely payment which some might tell you is far worse than not being paid what was agreed upon on time. (Unfortunately there are schools out there that have never paid their workers. I won't name names). Even if we cannot solve the tuition crisis all at once, working on a halachic problem like this which undermines employee morale could go a long way.
But I felt the author took a far too gratuitous jab at more Modern Orthodox schools when he stated, "the typical yeshiva's tuition income does not permit it to come anywhere near the salary and benefits level of public schools or wealthy suburban day schools," when introducing his comments above.
Modern Orthodox and even non-Orthodox schools suffer from many of the same challenges that the more right wing schools suffer from. In fact one of the problems that the Modern Orthodox community has is finding teachers from within its own ranks as the push for aliyah is great and teachers are armed with degrees from recognized Universities and Colleges and can more easily choose to pursue options outside of the frum world. Attracting staff and retaining staff is an uphill battle in modern schools, despite generally higher tuition charged (and most likely collected).
And outside of a handful of administrators in select day schools, I have yet to hear of teachers being offered anywhere near the level of benefits of those in public schools, even where salaries come close to that of the public school counterparts. And how can the benefits come anywhere close even if the funding is there? The Orthodox world lacks a regional or central body that can negotiate benefits or administer benefits.
(Of note: See the Jewish Action's article "Averting a Crisis in Jewish Education: Retirement and the Jewish Educator" for a more Modern Orthodox perspective. Of note is the unified efforts in Chicago where a community has come together to combat some of the issues and offer better benefits. We could all use a lesson from Chicago).
While I'm sure that involved in the Yeshiva world schools look upon their counterparts in the Modern Orthodox day schools as "wealthy," it would be of service to realize that we are all in the same boat, even if the dollars don't add up quite the same. And friends of mine in the Modern Orthodox day school world will quickly point to their counterparts in the Yeshiva world that there are rarely, if ever, tuition discounts for teachers (not administrators) and that they must stand before the tuition committee just as everyone else.
I'd like to explore the issues of staffing at a later time and would welcome guest posts from readers more in the know. There are many interesting aspects to staffing issues in school. Some questions I would be interested in:
* Is it more difficult to attract and/or retain male teachers than female teachers?
* How do frequent pregnancies of female teachers impact on school budgets and education where frequent absenses require the hiring of substitute teachers as well as inconsistencies in education? (A related subject: Post-seminary students who leave mid-year to get married).
Once again, I look forward to your comments. And bear with me as I comb through the JO's Tuition "Dilemma" Issue.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
JO Review: Tuition, A Dilemma?
It is time to return to a Top 10 blogging subject and discuss tuition. I have three more magazines in my possession that discuss tuition issues and plan to cover bits and pieces of each feature at some point in the near future.
The most recent publication that I have received is the January/February 2007 issue of the Jewish Observer (JO) which opened up a discussion on "The Tuition Dilemma."
Just in case you think you misread the title of the article, I assure you that Dilemma was not a typo on my part. I'm not sure why the staggering cost of tuition has not propelled tuition to merit the title "Crisis." Perhaps the staff of the JO doesn't want to alarm us. But I'm sure the tuition schedules which have arrived in mailboxes all over the US have proved alarming enough. But to be fair, the word crisis was used in the first piece, but the crisis seemed to refer to the strained relationship that parents experience with the schools in regards to the price of tuition.
But Title aside, I'd give the JO feature a C+.
I believe that the OU's Jewish Action (JA) in their Fall 2005 Issue, "The Tuition Squeeze," set the gold standard. Unafraid of tough discussion, the JA's editorial staff put together a feature that presented new models and ideas, that challenged the reader (see a review of one such article by yours truely that generated 87 comments), and that even presented a rather radical proposal which was quite daring even for a Modern Orthodox publication. The macro and micro economics of tuition were all touched upon, or at least alluded to.
The Jewish Observer Feature did present some new elements necessary for an intelligent and productive discussion of the Tuition Crisis. . . . . er Dilemma. . . . One welcome addition to the discussion were the words of a Torah Giant of blessed memory, as well as a halachic perspective from Rav Shmuel Fuerst. However, there was little challenge presented. As a community member that wants an exchange of ideas which can be piloted, I don't think that there was much presented which could be readily tested.
The feature is divided into five separate articles and a number of side articles. And I plan to look at elements of each piece in upcoming posts.
1. Overview: Vibrant Memories, Indelible Imprints
2. Guidelines for Tuition: Guidelines for school tuition policy for Yeshiva Bais Dovid (Monsey) based on guidelines given by Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky.
3. Resolving the Tuition Dilemma--Getting Involved
4. An Executive Director's Perspective
5. The Tuition Committee: Creating a Parent-Yeshiva Partnership
If you had a chance to read this edition of the JO and would like to comment on any of the articles or side articles, please leave your comments or send an email to me with the contents of your guest post.
It is time to return to a Top 10 blogging subject and discuss tuition. I have three more magazines in my possession that discuss tuition issues and plan to cover bits and pieces of each feature at some point in the near future.
The most recent publication that I have received is the January/February 2007 issue of the Jewish Observer (JO) which opened up a discussion on "The Tuition Dilemma."
Just in case you think you misread the title of the article, I assure you that Dilemma was not a typo on my part. I'm not sure why the staggering cost of tuition has not propelled tuition to merit the title "Crisis." Perhaps the staff of the JO doesn't want to alarm us. But I'm sure the tuition schedules which have arrived in mailboxes all over the US have proved alarming enough. But to be fair, the word crisis was used in the first piece, but the crisis seemed to refer to the strained relationship that parents experience with the schools in regards to the price of tuition.
But Title aside, I'd give the JO feature a C+.
I believe that the OU's Jewish Action (JA) in their Fall 2005 Issue, "The Tuition Squeeze," set the gold standard. Unafraid of tough discussion, the JA's editorial staff put together a feature that presented new models and ideas, that challenged the reader (see a review of one such article by yours truely that generated 87 comments), and that even presented a rather radical proposal which was quite daring even for a Modern Orthodox publication. The macro and micro economics of tuition were all touched upon, or at least alluded to.
The Jewish Observer Feature did present some new elements necessary for an intelligent and productive discussion of the Tuition Crisis. . . . . er Dilemma. . . . One welcome addition to the discussion were the words of a Torah Giant of blessed memory, as well as a halachic perspective from Rav Shmuel Fuerst. However, there was little challenge presented. As a community member that wants an exchange of ideas which can be piloted, I don't think that there was much presented which could be readily tested.
The feature is divided into five separate articles and a number of side articles. And I plan to look at elements of each piece in upcoming posts.
1. Overview: Vibrant Memories, Indelible Imprints
2. Guidelines for Tuition: Guidelines for school tuition policy for Yeshiva Bais Dovid (Monsey) based on guidelines given by Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky.
3. Resolving the Tuition Dilemma--Getting Involved
4. An Executive Director's Perspective
5. The Tuition Committee: Creating a Parent-Yeshiva Partnership
If you had a chance to read this edition of the JO and would like to comment on any of the articles or side articles, please leave your comments or send an email to me with the contents of your guest post.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Tzniut Meme
MominIsrael has tagged me with a tzniut meme. I believe I'm venturing into new territory on this blog since the only subject I believe we have discussed here re: tzniut is tzniut in demonstrating wealth (or the facade of wealth, as is often the case). The subject is a timely one since it is getting hotter and hotter outside and dressing within the confines of halacha can be a challenge, no matter what you believe the confines of halacha are. And while I have good reason to believe that the halacha is more forgiving than many would like to believe it is, tzniut is nevertheless a challenge.
For married women, do you dress by the same standards as you did when you got married?
For married women, do you dress by the same standards as you did when you got married? Also for married women, do you and your husband conflict about this issue?
Do you often feel uncomfortable when you are in the company of a group keeping higher or lower standards than you?
But "tzniut," as it pertains to dress, seems to be as largely defined by social constructs as by halacha, if not more so. I believe that if you ran into me at the grocery store, you would see a person who is well within the boundaries of the halacha. While my identifiably Orthodox way of dress lets the non-Orthodox and non-Jewish world know I am observant, it also lets those well within the Orthodox world draw their own conclusions too.
I'm blessed to have friends from across the spectrum of Orthodoxy. I think dressing in a "moderate" way (hair covered, skirts, long sleeves) opens up the doors of general acceptance. On the other hand, I have felt quite excluded from certain cliques also and I believe that the exclusion hinges, in many ways, on the manner in which I dress. While I don't desire to be part of this type of clique (I hated middle school for a reason), rejection never feels good either.
So what do I lack? Both major ingredients of "respectability:" fashionable/high class clothing and a sheitel to top off the package. Let's just say I'm not dressed to the Nine's and I'm no "Hot Chanie." I think a non-sheitel wearer cannot be a Hot Chanie by definition.
My lack of both stems from my disinterest in fashion, innate practicality, and budget consciousness. When I buy clothing, I expect to wear it for at least 3-5 years. So anything I wouldn't be caught dead in next season won't make it into my closet. Of course, this makes me into a bit of a plain Jane. I also spend my days running errands, running after my kids, getting spit up on, playing ball, or doing chores. I need comfortable clothing and a pair of tennis shoes, not suits and high heels.
The decision to cover my hair only with hats/tichels, as opposed to a sheitel, was made towards the beginning of our marriage. There was a strong halachic aspect to it, as many Sephardi Rabbis (but not all) do not like sheitals. When we first married, my husband would have been fine with an inexpensive sheitel, but I wasn't comfortable in a sheitel that looked like a sheitel, and we weren't forking over thousands of dollars for a hairpiece that seemed to defeat the purpose, especially when I was not going to be working for the foreseeable future. Sometimes I become a bit sad or self-conscious because I am the only one without a sheitel at many events. At this point, getting a sheitel is a non-discussion item. We don't believe it is the ideal way to cover ones hair and unless I end up working outside my home again, I don't think we will be re-visiting the subject.
What is really sad, strange, etc, is that I don't feel self-conscious or different when I am spending time around shomer Shabbat people holding on a "lower" level. I only seem to experience this discomfort around those on a "higher" level. Of course, assuming "lower" and "higher" are covering all the right parts, I'm only talking about perception because many times there is more social construct to the dress than halacha. Of course, if we are eating in certain homes and they really hold a stricter opinion on stockings for example, I will put on a pair even if it is 100 degrees outside to respect their standards. But, I'm not doing to wear a beautiful suit on a Tuesday or buy a sheitel to meet their standards.
How accepting is your community of women who "deviate" from the generally accepted mode of dress?
I'm fortunate to live in a community with a broad ranges of what is acceptable. I'm probably middle of the road with much of what I do. But in any large community, there are sub-groups who set their own standards of how one should dress, which prompted some of my comments above. I'd say outside of a select few, really most people are fairly accepting.
If you have a daughter, has tzniut become an issue yet?
Have your standards changed from when you were growing up, and why?
Our daughter is far too young to worry about tzniut yet. I think you need to be able to consistently use the bathroom for such to become a concern. But, I'm sure it will become a balancing act. Growing up, I was extremely athletic and participated in competitive sports. This is something our own daughters won't be able to do, at least at the same level. If they get my genes and inherit my drive, we have our work cut out for us. :) But I'm not worried now. I just wish there was a school that offer PE more than once a week. With so little physical activity that is offered, the bigger challenge will probably be making sure that all of our kids (boys and girls) get enough exercise.
I'm tagging: OutofTown and Debt and Life.
MominIsrael has tagged me with a tzniut meme. I believe I'm venturing into new territory on this blog since the only subject I believe we have discussed here re: tzniut is tzniut in demonstrating wealth (or the facade of wealth, as is often the case). The subject is a timely one since it is getting hotter and hotter outside and dressing within the confines of halacha can be a challenge, no matter what you believe the confines of halacha are. And while I have good reason to believe that the halacha is more forgiving than many would like to believe it is, tzniut is nevertheless a challenge.
For married women, do you dress by the same standards as you did when you got married?
For married women, do you dress by the same standards as you did when you got married? Also for married women, do you and your husband conflict about this issue?
Do you often feel uncomfortable when you are in the company of a group keeping higher or lower standards than you?
But "tzniut," as it pertains to dress, seems to be as largely defined by social constructs as by halacha, if not more so. I believe that if you ran into me at the grocery store, you would see a person who is well within the boundaries of the halacha. While my identifiably Orthodox way of dress lets the non-Orthodox and non-Jewish world know I am observant, it also lets those well within the Orthodox world draw their own conclusions too.
I'm blessed to have friends from across the spectrum of Orthodoxy. I think dressing in a "moderate" way (hair covered, skirts, long sleeves) opens up the doors of general acceptance. On the other hand, I have felt quite excluded from certain cliques also and I believe that the exclusion hinges, in many ways, on the manner in which I dress. While I don't desire to be part of this type of clique (I hated middle school for a reason), rejection never feels good either.
So what do I lack? Both major ingredients of "respectability:" fashionable/high class clothing and a sheitel to top off the package. Let's just say I'm not dressed to the Nine's and I'm no "Hot Chanie." I think a non-sheitel wearer cannot be a Hot Chanie by definition.
My lack of both stems from my disinterest in fashion, innate practicality, and budget consciousness. When I buy clothing, I expect to wear it for at least 3-5 years. So anything I wouldn't be caught dead in next season won't make it into my closet. Of course, this makes me into a bit of a plain Jane. I also spend my days running errands, running after my kids, getting spit up on, playing ball, or doing chores. I need comfortable clothing and a pair of tennis shoes, not suits and high heels.
The decision to cover my hair only with hats/tichels, as opposed to a sheitel, was made towards the beginning of our marriage. There was a strong halachic aspect to it, as many Sephardi Rabbis (but not all) do not like sheitals. When we first married, my husband would have been fine with an inexpensive sheitel, but I wasn't comfortable in a sheitel that looked like a sheitel, and we weren't forking over thousands of dollars for a hairpiece that seemed to defeat the purpose, especially when I was not going to be working for the foreseeable future. Sometimes I become a bit sad or self-conscious because I am the only one without a sheitel at many events. At this point, getting a sheitel is a non-discussion item. We don't believe it is the ideal way to cover ones hair and unless I end up working outside my home again, I don't think we will be re-visiting the subject.
What is really sad, strange, etc, is that I don't feel self-conscious or different when I am spending time around shomer Shabbat people holding on a "lower" level. I only seem to experience this discomfort around those on a "higher" level. Of course, assuming "lower" and "higher" are covering all the right parts, I'm only talking about perception because many times there is more social construct to the dress than halacha. Of course, if we are eating in certain homes and they really hold a stricter opinion on stockings for example, I will put on a pair even if it is 100 degrees outside to respect their standards. But, I'm not doing to wear a beautiful suit on a Tuesday or buy a sheitel to meet their standards.
How accepting is your community of women who "deviate" from the generally accepted mode of dress?
I'm fortunate to live in a community with a broad ranges of what is acceptable. I'm probably middle of the road with much of what I do. But in any large community, there are sub-groups who set their own standards of how one should dress, which prompted some of my comments above. I'd say outside of a select few, really most people are fairly accepting.
If you have a daughter, has tzniut become an issue yet?
Have your standards changed from when you were growing up, and why?
Our daughter is far too young to worry about tzniut yet. I think you need to be able to consistently use the bathroom for such to become a concern. But, I'm sure it will become a balancing act. Growing up, I was extremely athletic and participated in competitive sports. This is something our own daughters won't be able to do, at least at the same level. If they get my genes and inherit my drive, we have our work cut out for us. :) But I'm not worried now. I just wish there was a school that offer PE more than once a week. With so little physical activity that is offered, the bigger challenge will probably be making sure that all of our kids (boys and girls) get enough exercise.
I'm tagging: OutofTown and Debt and Life.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
When your Family dislikes your ("Cheap") Simcha
At the risk of outing myself to the other side of my family (my in-laws), all of which I love dearly, I am going to write about a real and personal incident that happened over Pesach (1st days) which hurt us very much. My husband encouraged me to write about this incident because of the unique perspective that it brings to the discussion of simcha craziness, even though it violates some of my own blogging rules. I held off writing about this incident to calm down and gather my thoughts. But, at this point I might as well put pen and paper, or fingers to the keyboard as the case might be.
I know we have discussed various external pressures when it comes to making smachot. What will the neighbors think? What will the mechutanim say if we don't agree to do x, y, or z? Will my son or daughter be treated differently if we deviate from the "standard" Bar or Bat Mitzvah format that their classmates are following? Will my son/daughter feel badly if we put on a lesser wedding for him/her than the standard?
What I have not discussed in great detail up until this point is internal pressures from family in regards to smachot. But that time has come.
Approximately six months ago we were blessed with a beautiful and loving baby girl. Making a simcha for a girl is much less involved than making a brit milah and accompanying Shalom Zachar/Brit Yitzchak for a boy. But when it comes to the festivities for babies of each gender, I appreciate the manner in which each simcha is celebrated (at least in every community I've lived in). Not only is there normally an open invitation to all who want to partake in the celebration(s), but the simcha is one of modesty and simplicity as is appropriate as well as practical, for the time of birth carries with it its own stresses.
For our recent simcha, we decided to sponsor the seudah shlishit at our synagogue. I wanted to make the event there so that all would be welcome and feel welcome. And, my husband didn't want it in our home. He was having a enough difficulty holding down a the home in my extended absence and this was just easier. Being that it was a winter simcha, we decided not to keep the seudah shlishit simple and just sponsor it without changing the regular fare. After all, who wants more and more food an hour or two after they finished eating lunch? In the summer, one might be hungry by the time of seudah shlishit. In the winter months, one has to just fulfill this obligation because it is an obligation.
During lunch of the 1st day of Pesach, I believe the "incident" started when we were explaining to our children that there is no seudah shlishit on yom tov and that eating this meal was an obligation only on Shabbat.
And then my mother-in-law flipped. Nearly six months later, and basically in tears, she started to yell at us about our simcha. How could we have been so cheap? The birth of a daughter is a simcha too and we should have added more food and fancier food. It wasn't nice enough. It was embarrassing! Where I [Sephardi Lady] grew up (a small town), it might be appropriate to make such a "cheap" simcha, but where they are from [one of the more ostentatious communities in the US] this was nothing but an embarrassment. And lastly, if we didn't want to pay for something nice, they would pay for it. But, they wanted something better and we can't do this again.
My husband was as shocked as I was. Primarily we were not sure what triggered such outraged over an event so long ago. My husband couldn't believe that his parents (or mother) could be so embarrassed when they didn't have any friends in attendance. And I couldn't figure out what was so "cheap" about the simcha because, I argued, we did what everyone else does (minhag hamakom).
I'm not sure where this event leaves us. We can't undo the past, nor do we want to (although we had a similar incident hours before our wedding which I wish could be undone because the fight over the centerpieces my mother brought hurt here as well as my husband-and it scared me since I overheard it). We were perfectly happy with our choice then and remain happy with it now. Baruch Hashem, we could have paid more for a simcha, but didn't see the need to do so just for the sake of doing so. [Note: at our son's brit milah we had to give away cakes because there was too much food and no place to freeze it].
But I have to wonder what the future holds for us. With G-d's help we will have more children. And of course there are the Bar and Bat Mitzvah celebrations, all of which my husband's parents will attend with G-d's help.
Will we just pay for more than is necessary for future smachot just because in-laws are insistent upon it? (I don't plan on accepting money, but it is nice they offered since they are the one's wanting more). Will we just continue to do what we want although it "embarrasses" them despite the fact that we are well within the standard in our community?
And despite my meanderings about the future. What really hurt most was the fact that not one other person who was present at the seudah and our simcha said something simple and nice like, "I enjoyed it."
Readers: Just how big of a factor is family when it comes to Simcha Craziness? We've all heard about parents who spend more to impress their friends/family. What about kids who feel the need to spend more to please their parents?
Yuck. Shabbat Shalom.
At the risk of outing myself to the other side of my family (my in-laws), all of which I love dearly, I am going to write about a real and personal incident that happened over Pesach (1st days) which hurt us very much. My husband encouraged me to write about this incident because of the unique perspective that it brings to the discussion of simcha craziness, even though it violates some of my own blogging rules. I held off writing about this incident to calm down and gather my thoughts. But, at this point I might as well put pen and paper, or fingers to the keyboard as the case might be.
I know we have discussed various external pressures when it comes to making smachot. What will the neighbors think? What will the mechutanim say if we don't agree to do x, y, or z? Will my son or daughter be treated differently if we deviate from the "standard" Bar or Bat Mitzvah format that their classmates are following? Will my son/daughter feel badly if we put on a lesser wedding for him/her than the standard?
What I have not discussed in great detail up until this point is internal pressures from family in regards to smachot. But that time has come.
Approximately six months ago we were blessed with a beautiful and loving baby girl. Making a simcha for a girl is much less involved than making a brit milah and accompanying Shalom Zachar/Brit Yitzchak for a boy. But when it comes to the festivities for babies of each gender, I appreciate the manner in which each simcha is celebrated (at least in every community I've lived in). Not only is there normally an open invitation to all who want to partake in the celebration(s), but the simcha is one of modesty and simplicity as is appropriate as well as practical, for the time of birth carries with it its own stresses.
For our recent simcha, we decided to sponsor the seudah shlishit at our synagogue. I wanted to make the event there so that all would be welcome and feel welcome. And, my husband didn't want it in our home. He was having a enough difficulty holding down a the home in my extended absence and this was just easier. Being that it was a winter simcha, we decided not to keep the seudah shlishit simple and just sponsor it without changing the regular fare. After all, who wants more and more food an hour or two after they finished eating lunch? In the summer, one might be hungry by the time of seudah shlishit. In the winter months, one has to just fulfill this obligation because it is an obligation.
During lunch of the 1st day of Pesach, I believe the "incident" started when we were explaining to our children that there is no seudah shlishit on yom tov and that eating this meal was an obligation only on Shabbat.
And then my mother-in-law flipped. Nearly six months later, and basically in tears, she started to yell at us about our simcha. How could we have been so cheap? The birth of a daughter is a simcha too and we should have added more food and fancier food. It wasn't nice enough. It was embarrassing! Where I [Sephardi Lady] grew up (a small town), it might be appropriate to make such a "cheap" simcha, but where they are from [one of the more ostentatious communities in the US] this was nothing but an embarrassment. And lastly, if we didn't want to pay for something nice, they would pay for it. But, they wanted something better and we can't do this again.
My husband was as shocked as I was. Primarily we were not sure what triggered such outraged over an event so long ago. My husband couldn't believe that his parents (or mother) could be so embarrassed when they didn't have any friends in attendance. And I couldn't figure out what was so "cheap" about the simcha because, I argued, we did what everyone else does (minhag hamakom).
I'm not sure where this event leaves us. We can't undo the past, nor do we want to (although we had a similar incident hours before our wedding which I wish could be undone because the fight over the centerpieces my mother brought hurt here as well as my husband-and it scared me since I overheard it). We were perfectly happy with our choice then and remain happy with it now. Baruch Hashem, we could have paid more for a simcha, but didn't see the need to do so just for the sake of doing so. [Note: at our son's brit milah we had to give away cakes because there was too much food and no place to freeze it].
But I have to wonder what the future holds for us. With G-d's help we will have more children. And of course there are the Bar and Bat Mitzvah celebrations, all of which my husband's parents will attend with G-d's help.
Will we just pay for more than is necessary for future smachot just because in-laws are insistent upon it? (I don't plan on accepting money, but it is nice they offered since they are the one's wanting more). Will we just continue to do what we want although it "embarrasses" them despite the fact that we are well within the standard in our community?
And despite my meanderings about the future. What really hurt most was the fact that not one other person who was present at the seudah and our simcha said something simple and nice like, "I enjoyed it."
Readers: Just how big of a factor is family when it comes to Simcha Craziness? We've all heard about parents who spend more to impress their friends/family. What about kids who feel the need to spend more to please their parents?
Yuck. Shabbat Shalom.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Post-Pesach Tidbits (Some Should have been Pre-Pesach, Oh Well)
This Pesach's experiences will prompt a number of the next few posts. But in the meantime I thought I would add a few random things on my mind before getting back on the blogging block too soon.
First off, while I was computer free, AlazLaz tagged me to find out what Haggadah we use. While we have a growing number of Haggadot on our shelves with commentaries, all of which are fantastic resources, a simple Pesach Haggadah serves us best at the Seder. There is a particularly enjoyable Haggadah that we enjoy using, compiled by Rabbi Marc Angel of the Spanish Porteguese Synagogue Shearith Israel, complete with various commentaries from Sephardi Chachamin, past and present and a complilation of various minhagim. The index also has a very brief biography on each of the commentators which is easy to reference and is in and of itself a fantastic feature.
The highlight of this Haggadah is the inclusion of key Ladino translations and songs including Quen Supiese, a Ladino version of Mi Echad Yodea, and Un Cavritico (One Kid/Had Gadya). What we discovered when we ordered this Haggadah is that there is more than one Ladino version to each of these songs. While extremely similiar, there are some differences. And that is what an Oral Messorah is for. Fascinating! And Pesach is filled with oral family mesorahs that are so numerous and so interesting and often myterious. This Haggadah is really is a great edition to any library (and no, I'm not being paid to say that). What is does lack is a Ladino translation of the Four Questions. Next year, iy"h, I will insert this into the Haggadah.
Some of the notable differences in the seder are 1) Only two berachot over cups of wine are made, keeping in mind the 2nd and 4th cup 2) Mah Nishtana follows the order of the Gemorah and the 3rd Question (afilu pa'am achat) is asked first, 3) Kos Eliyahu and hiding the Afikomen were adopted from the Ashkenaz tradition while not originally Sephardi customs, and 4) Men and Women all lean which is not a universal practice in Ashkenazi circles. I will stop at four for now. Gives me more to blog abour next year and four is just an appropriate Pesach number.
Onto other tidbits:
--> The Four Questions: I was a big nervous that my pre-schooler would get stage fright and be unable to "perform" the four questions which he had been working on quite intently (Last year at not quite yet 2 he did one Mah Nishtanah and one question with a bit of help) .
Despite the fact my MIL/FIL never sent their children to 2-year old or 3-year old nursery (formerly known as day care), they have become big believers so to speak as my SIL/BIL set the stage. As the younger sibling, my husband and I receive rather large clues that we aren't doing things right and we are going to put our children behind academically through these choices.
While I should just ignore all of this since I'm armed with my own facts and my kids are performing remarkably well for only have me as a teacher, I still put pressure on myself to perform. So when my almost 3-year old son stood up and performed the 4 questions flawlessly in beautifully accented Ivrit. I burst into tears.
Incidently, the younger cousin in nursery didn't even attempt a question. I've got to stop pressuring me. Fortunately, I'm not pressuring my own kids. This boy is probably as driven as they come and he takes to everything like a sponge. I should have recorded him singing on the Purim Podcast. He could have sung nearly any song from Eishet Chayil to Chag Purim to Shalom Aleichem.
--> Berachot: One little issue, after learning the beracha "al achilat matzah" he nows says "al achilat yadayim." I think we can straighten that out soon.
--> Confusing Environments and New Rules: While I can't complain about not having to clean and kasher my own home for Pesach as we joined my husband's family for the festivities, I don't believe it is easy to go away either. Taking little children (and some adults too) out of their environment for 2 weeks (extended trip) isn't easy by any means. It isn't just the living out of a suitcase, bouncing from place to place, and throwing off any semblance of a schedule that is difficult. It is all of the other things that happen (or don't happen) when you outside of your environment. Probably the biggest difficulty when traveling with small and curious children is that the new environment has not been tuned to their impulses and neither have the hosts. To make a long megillah short, I'm not sure that there was a place untouched despite very vigilant parents (that's us). Now our family host has her own children, but it appears they not one has been a tenth as mechanically inclined, athletic, etc as ours. If so, the house, set up, etc would have been completely different. And because of the bad weather, my son did not see a ball for the entire trip (is that a form of child neglect?).
--> Diet: Another difficulty is diet when outside of your home, and not just the Pesach diet! In our home regular Shabbat seudot include vegetable based soups, a little bit of poultry or meat, a variety of vegetables and/or salads, and a starch. More often than not, dessert is fresh fruit with a cookie. Our hosts are the opposite: heavy on meat/poultry/gefilte fish, extremely light on veggies which usually appear in the form of a kugel or in the form of a garnish if and when they appear, and heavy on potato starch/matza meal prepared desserts. Lunches and snacks are matza and cheese, matza brie, and matza rolls: not a fruit in sight, but thank G-d for the overpriced Pesach yogurt. And the biggest killer of all: Coca Cola served at every meal. There is a reason I don't bring sodas into our home. I spent the week after Pesach weaning my son off the Coca Cola. Now that we are home it is cold turkey because we have none here (baruch Hashem). The stuff is a drug, yet present at every meal, every kiddush, etc. Now I'm no health food fanatic, but putting Coca-Cola out at every meal? I can't think of a worse idea.
--> Needing Explicit Instructions: Lastly, I like to help wherever I go and I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I want to be told what to do! As a guest in a kitchen that is not my own and that I did not grow up in I need explicit instructions, especially on Pesach, when a kashrut messup could be devestating (even if it really isn't a problem, but I digress-I ranted about women's learning in my last post).
Unless a host family is super organized and has all utensils clearly labelled, all chometz utensils locked away (and I do mean locked because small children and even sitting babies can easily pull tape off cabinets if you blink an eye), and clearly written receipes, helping in the kitchen is not a "do it yourself" project. I can't walk into a kitchen and just know which utensils are milk, meat, and parve if they are not clearly labelled. I also do NOT know how so-in-so family member's Bubbe or Savta made their chicken soup. So, if you don't have the secrets clearly recorded, I really can't help you.
It isn't fair to grumble about lack of help if you don't create an environment that is safe to help in. Baruch Hashem this year things were more spacious and I was able to help much more. So while this issue is one of the past, I just figured I would put it out there.
Next Up: When a couple blows a simcha in the eyes of one set of parents?
This Pesach's experiences will prompt a number of the next few posts. But in the meantime I thought I would add a few random things on my mind before getting back on the blogging block too soon.
First off, while I was computer free, AlazLaz tagged me to find out what Haggadah we use. While we have a growing number of Haggadot on our shelves with commentaries, all of which are fantastic resources, a simple Pesach Haggadah serves us best at the Seder. There is a particularly enjoyable Haggadah that we enjoy using, compiled by Rabbi Marc Angel of the Spanish Porteguese Synagogue Shearith Israel, complete with various commentaries from Sephardi Chachamin, past and present and a complilation of various minhagim. The index also has a very brief biography on each of the commentators which is easy to reference and is in and of itself a fantastic feature.
The highlight of this Haggadah is the inclusion of key Ladino translations and songs including Quen Supiese, a Ladino version of Mi Echad Yodea, and Un Cavritico (One Kid/Had Gadya). What we discovered when we ordered this Haggadah is that there is more than one Ladino version to each of these songs. While extremely similiar, there are some differences. And that is what an Oral Messorah is for. Fascinating! And Pesach is filled with oral family mesorahs that are so numerous and so interesting and often myterious. This Haggadah is really is a great edition to any library (and no, I'm not being paid to say that). What is does lack is a Ladino translation of the Four Questions. Next year, iy"h, I will insert this into the Haggadah.
Some of the notable differences in the seder are 1) Only two berachot over cups of wine are made, keeping in mind the 2nd and 4th cup 2) Mah Nishtana follows the order of the Gemorah and the 3rd Question (afilu pa'am achat) is asked first, 3) Kos Eliyahu and hiding the Afikomen were adopted from the Ashkenaz tradition while not originally Sephardi customs, and 4) Men and Women all lean which is not a universal practice in Ashkenazi circles. I will stop at four for now. Gives me more to blog abour next year and four is just an appropriate Pesach number.
Onto other tidbits:
--> The Four Questions: I was a big nervous that my pre-schooler would get stage fright and be unable to "perform" the four questions which he had been working on quite intently (Last year at not quite yet 2 he did one Mah Nishtanah and one question with a bit of help) .
Despite the fact my MIL/FIL never sent their children to 2-year old or 3-year old nursery (formerly known as day care), they have become big believers so to speak as my SIL/BIL set the stage. As the younger sibling, my husband and I receive rather large clues that we aren't doing things right and we are going to put our children behind academically through these choices.
While I should just ignore all of this since I'm armed with my own facts and my kids are performing remarkably well for only have me as a teacher, I still put pressure on myself to perform. So when my almost 3-year old son stood up and performed the 4 questions flawlessly in beautifully accented Ivrit. I burst into tears.
Incidently, the younger cousin in nursery didn't even attempt a question. I've got to stop pressuring me. Fortunately, I'm not pressuring my own kids. This boy is probably as driven as they come and he takes to everything like a sponge. I should have recorded him singing on the Purim Podcast. He could have sung nearly any song from Eishet Chayil to Chag Purim to Shalom Aleichem.
--> Berachot: One little issue, after learning the beracha "al achilat matzah" he nows says "al achilat yadayim." I think we can straighten that out soon.
--> Confusing Environments and New Rules: While I can't complain about not having to clean and kasher my own home for Pesach as we joined my husband's family for the festivities, I don't believe it is easy to go away either. Taking little children (and some adults too) out of their environment for 2 weeks (extended trip) isn't easy by any means. It isn't just the living out of a suitcase, bouncing from place to place, and throwing off any semblance of a schedule that is difficult. It is all of the other things that happen (or don't happen) when you outside of your environment. Probably the biggest difficulty when traveling with small and curious children is that the new environment has not been tuned to their impulses and neither have the hosts. To make a long megillah short, I'm not sure that there was a place untouched despite very vigilant parents (that's us). Now our family host has her own children, but it appears they not one has been a tenth as mechanically inclined, athletic, etc as ours. If so, the house, set up, etc would have been completely different. And because of the bad weather, my son did not see a ball for the entire trip (is that a form of child neglect?).
--> Diet: Another difficulty is diet when outside of your home, and not just the Pesach diet! In our home regular Shabbat seudot include vegetable based soups, a little bit of poultry or meat, a variety of vegetables and/or salads, and a starch. More often than not, dessert is fresh fruit with a cookie. Our hosts are the opposite: heavy on meat/poultry/gefilte fish, extremely light on veggies which usually appear in the form of a kugel or in the form of a garnish if and when they appear, and heavy on potato starch/matza meal prepared desserts. Lunches and snacks are matza and cheese, matza brie, and matza rolls: not a fruit in sight, but thank G-d for the overpriced Pesach yogurt. And the biggest killer of all: Coca Cola served at every meal. There is a reason I don't bring sodas into our home. I spent the week after Pesach weaning my son off the Coca Cola. Now that we are home it is cold turkey because we have none here (baruch Hashem). The stuff is a drug, yet present at every meal, every kiddush, etc. Now I'm no health food fanatic, but putting Coca-Cola out at every meal? I can't think of a worse idea.
--> Needing Explicit Instructions: Lastly, I like to help wherever I go and I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that I want to be told what to do! As a guest in a kitchen that is not my own and that I did not grow up in I need explicit instructions, especially on Pesach, when a kashrut messup could be devestating (even if it really isn't a problem, but I digress-I ranted about women's learning in my last post).
Unless a host family is super organized and has all utensils clearly labelled, all chometz utensils locked away (and I do mean locked because small children and even sitting babies can easily pull tape off cabinets if you blink an eye), and clearly written receipes, helping in the kitchen is not a "do it yourself" project. I can't walk into a kitchen and just know which utensils are milk, meat, and parve if they are not clearly labelled. I also do NOT know how so-in-so family member's Bubbe or Savta made their chicken soup. So, if you don't have the secrets clearly recorded, I really can't help you.
It isn't fair to grumble about lack of help if you don't create an environment that is safe to help in. Baruch Hashem this year things were more spacious and I was able to help much more. So while this issue is one of the past, I just figured I would put it out there.
Next Up: When a couple blows a simcha in the eyes of one set of parents?
I'm Back
While I can't promise a "new and improved" blog, I'm back after 16 days of no email or Internet access. So look for upcoming and hopefully more regular postings. Leave a note if there is any subject you want me to talk about or drop an email if you feel the need to guest post about an Orthonomic subject and need a venue. I've got a host of subjects on my mind. So, look out.
In the meantime, (warning: rant ahead) can someone please tell me why so many of the classes marketed to women either sound like either a self-esteem building session for women or a title on a self-help book? Call me a feminist, but woman today are every much a part of the outside and professional world as men (more so in some circles) and we tend to run the household too, from the kids to the kitchen. So, why do we end up with such a heavy dose of inspiration with only a spoonful of halacha? Rant over. I'm headed to bed.
While I can't promise a "new and improved" blog, I'm back after 16 days of no email or Internet access. So look for upcoming and hopefully more regular postings. Leave a note if there is any subject you want me to talk about or drop an email if you feel the need to guest post about an Orthonomic subject and need a venue. I've got a host of subjects on my mind. So, look out.
In the meantime, (warning: rant ahead) can someone please tell me why so many of the classes marketed to women either sound like either a self-esteem building session for women or a title on a self-help book? Call me a feminist, but woman today are every much a part of the outside and professional world as men (more so in some circles) and we tend to run the household too, from the kids to the kitchen. So, why do we end up with such a heavy dose of inspiration with only a spoonful of halacha? Rant over. I'm headed to bed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)