It's Time to Walk
Alternatively: A Job is NOT a Chessed

Recently I ran into someone, but never had a chance to follow up on a topic she brought up the first time I met her at a friend's home. Newly married, pregnant, and lacking regular employment while her and her husband were enrolled in college programs, they were counting on their limited sources of income, one of which included her husband's part time position in a boy's Yeshiva school, to make ends meet.

But, ends were not meeting as planned. For months, they have been dipping into their savings (read: wedding gifts) to pay their rent and other basic expenses. He, like too many others, was not being paid for his services. She was quite upset by the situation, but felt powerless.

I too was upset by the situation. Naturally I was upset that an institution whose purpose is to perpetuate Torah observance is causing such a chillul Hashem. But, as I meet and hear about more and more people who have stayed on at institutions that fall behind with pay, I am starting to think that maybe it is time to ask those holding these jobs to take a stronger stand for themselves and their families (although it really shouldn't be on their heads).

In other words. . . . . . there is a time to pack your bag and walk off campus. A job is not a chessed. It is a means to supporting your family. And I think in the frum community, we forget this (I can't imagine an employee sticking around K-mart, e.g., if they were behind with pay three months running or even three weeks running).

While I can understand a higher paid employee waiting for that elusive paycheck, I see no reason for a low paid employee to continue volunteering his services in hopes of being paid (and unfortunately sometimes these employees never do get paid). So why gamble? At a certain point it is time to start filling applications for another job and sit down with the staff at a temp agency. I think that when you have used your savings to pay your rent, that time has come.

Of course, it is easier said than done to walk off a job. One rightfully worries about their reputation and doesn't want to make enemies. But employment is "at will" and I hate to see anyone's good nature used and abused, but especially the good nature of a newlywed couple.

I'd love to hear practical solutions about how to leave a job and cover your bases when you don't get paid. Any lawyers out there? Anyone who actually walked off campus out there? Next time I am privy to a conversation I'd like to be able to give solid advice besides "walk away."

Time to Modernize Tzedakah

Rabbi without a cause has a number of Orthonomic related posts that are worth checking out. Here is one entitled Time to Modernize Tzedakah which was a follow up to the post March of the Tzedakah Envelopes.

The Rabbi suggests the following regarding the relationship between the donor and the soliciting organization:

1. When they call you for a pledge, ask them pointed questions about how the money is spent. (The solicitor won't have a clue, but ask for the information anyway. If enough people ask, word will get back to their bosses.) Remember: These organizations should have advertising budgets, but those expenditures should be a very limited percentage of the total spending. They need to have overhead - but make sure it's reasonable overhead.

2. Find out who they are competing with in their chesed area, and find out how efficient they are in serving their target population.

3. Remember, above all, that giving to a tzedakah whose board is not trustworthy is prohibited (Rama Yoreh Deah 256:1).of organizations seeking your tzedakah dollars.

His previous post looks at an area of waste that should be simple to eliminate: duplicate mailings. Working in a synagogue the Rabbi sees numerous mailings addressed to past presidents, etc. Synagoges aren't the only ones receiving numerous mailings. My number and I routinely receive duplicate mailings, sometimes up to three of them: one under his name, one under my name, and one under my maiden name. Time to learn how to use mail merge! Stamps are now $0.41.

Also, is it really a good practice to continue to send a mailing year after year after year if you have never received even a $5.00 donation? I would think not. But, I'm open to discussion on such.

Weddings: We Need Another Model

I just caught this story on Yeshiva World News from a writer who lent money to a man to make a chatunah for a daughter which was well beyond his means and now their home is in foreclosure. I'm sure there was nothing unusual about the wedding he put on.

Recently I heard a talk show discussing just how out of hand weddings have become in America and how the wedding industry has the American public duped. We have been convinced that a wedding must cost $25,000, for example, so a couple feels really smug when they make their wedding for "only" $15,000. And yet $15,000 is a big chunk of money.

I've been to plenty of frum weddings, and we have been duped too. But, we haven't been duped by a major marketing machine. We have been duped by ourselves. Granted a Jewish wedding is going to have a fairly strict structure by its very nature. But, at least here in America, there is almost no variety to the venue of the wedding.

I've been to frum weddings and non-Jewish weddings and except for a second wedding and two weddings between two converts, I can't think of any real significant differences between the (wonderful) weddings we have been to. Sure, some families have gone easy on the smorg, while others have gone over the top. Some have cut down in the floral department while others put on a flower show. But where is the wedding without a smorg (or some form thereof)? Where is the backyard wedding? Where is the wedding with canned music?

In college I had two wonderful non-Jewish roommates (I had a handful of not so wonderful roommates too). These girls were close friends and I was lucky enough to be able to help plan the wedding of one, since she was engaged during our time as roommates. They were on a limited budget and so she burned a CD of tunes for the dancing and she had no reason to feel like a "neb." I remember our other roommate asking me what a normal Jewish wedding was like. She had grown up in a very tight knit Christian denomination and in their community every wedding was followed up by cake and punch on the church lawn/social hall (and kids were always invited with their parents, so she had been to a lot of weddings by the time she left home). I imagine many couples followed by their wedding with more limited reception. But how many of us would ever consider "only" serving guests cake and punch at a kabbalat panim or at a simchat chatan v'kallah (the alternative format where everyone is invited to the smorg and only closer family and friends stay for the reception)?

My husband likes to point out that a frum couple has to have bread to wash on (true!). But, we wash on bread at a brit milah too, and very few go into hock over that. Last year we attended a brit milah for a popular local couple and there must have been 200 people that sat down to a breakfast seudah. For a brit milah, the menu was fairly extensive (and a nice change from tuna salad on a bagel). Putting on a more casual affair for a wedding should be acceptable and I don't see any reason why it would be any less enjoyable.

Who knows how many people have had property repossessed or foreclosed on because they can't just make do? Who knows how many families have hurt their shalom bayit over keeping up with a standard that is just unattainable? Who knows how many people have defaulted on loans to friends? Who knows how much tzedakah money in the form of hachnasat kallah goes to support an inflated standard? I don't know. I don't think much can be quantified. But, it sure would be nice to see a different standard that really was different.

Concern About Day Care from a Young Age



This summer things were so busy that we had no choice but to employ short term temporary day care while we took care of some major projects. Turns out some wonderful high school girls in our community, with whom we are family friends, decided to put on a "camp" during the weeks we needed. The leaders of the camp are trusted individuals who already have a relationship with our son as they have helped us during the occasional pinch. So, we happily set out our pre-school aged kid on his first no-parent-present half day excursion.


As expected, our son had a great time. He loved the counselors, he loved the projects, and he loved the water play. And I loved hearing reports back about his outstanding and independent (!) behavior. Of course, we expected only good reports back. But, it was gratifying to hear about how cooperative he is, how independent he is, and how beautifully he played with *all* of the children. . . . always sharing and trying to help everyone.

You see, for what seems like an eternity already, I've been on the defensive against those who strongly believe that we are hurting our children by not placing them in care outside of the home. We have been told our children will not know how to "socialize," will not learn how to share, and will not learn independence. Meanwhile, this kid will dress himself, make himself a sandwich, clean up small messes, throw laundry into the machine, help set the table, help prepare food by stirring or cutting soft fruits and vegetables (on a good day). But what do I know? Maybe other 3-4 year olds are cooking full dinners, cleaning the kitchen table, and doing the laundry while my kids are just bumbling around?

The other report from camp was not gratifying. Until the last day of camp, the counselors did not share with me the fact that while my son tried to play with everyone and was nice to everyone (their words, not mine), that he was routinely pushed away by many of the children. It certainly stung to hear this, but I was not particularly surprised.

Now I am not the type of parent who believes in sheltering my children from social disappointments and/or rejection. Not everyone is going to want to play with you, like you, or include you and sometimes you just have to "deal with it." Plus, I believe children to be resilient. But, I'm not sure that young children feeling rejected (which I imagine is a feeling even young children experience) is a positive growth experience, especially as they do not verbalize effectively.

A number of years ago, I was in the park listening to a group of mothers talking about the need to make sure they all got their children into a certain pre-school by age 4 because (quote) "by then they kids have their friends" (and they wanted to make sure their kids friends were of a certain social group). The conversation struck me as particularly odd and snotty at the time (still strikes me as such). Of course, where I grew up, one started forming their social circle around 5 or 6, rather than closing their social circle around age 4.

Times have obviously changed and I don't think it is particularly positive. At this point I will just end this post and let others voice their own thoughts. I'm experiencing writer's bloc.

Jewish Education and the Housing Slump

Not even a year ago, I was speaking to friends who had tried an alternative to Jewish schooling for some of their children, but who found themselves no longer able to continue this arrangement. Now, they are faced with large tuition bills, but they are not much better off financially. However, they do own a home. Their tuition plan: a home equity line of credit (heloc) and continued credit card use. Given that nature of credit, adding to a pie of debt doesn't seem like a sound way to get a handful of kids, only one of who is past Bar Mitzvah, through their high school graduations.

As anyone who reads the newspaper or listens to the financial reports knows, real estate is in a slump. Borrowers are starting to sweat as the first wave of risky mortgages are coming due, especially as many have overextended themselves via home equity lines of credit. And mortgage companies are starting to suffer from underwriting loans for less than qualified candidates.

One has to wonder how this slump is going to effect frum finances in the short term. It is fairly common knowledge that families "pay" for weddings using their home. Quite frankly, you won't find me crying if people have to scale back in that department. If the simcha guidelines didn't work, maybe being turned down by the bank will help people scale back.

But, weddings aren't the only way frum families have used their house as a "bank." I have no data to even venture a guess as to how many tuition dollars are being paid through bank loans, but I can't imagine that my friends are the only people who have erroneously decided to use their house (in which they have little equity to begin with) as a bank.

It is any one's guess just how the slump in the housing market will affect Jewish education. But for now I will just say what I wish I had said to my friends while I stood their mouth agape as they informed me of their "plan:" . . . . . . . . Your house is NOT a bank. Don't do it!

We Interupt This Silence

. . . . to say that our internet service has been totally botched up. Hopefully things will return to normal ASAP because I need to get some work done for my clients and wouldn't mind blogging either.

The "Solution" to a Problem: Throw Money at It

I caught this article in YNet where a hesder Rosh Yeshiva urges higher pay for shadchanim: "[Rabbi] Shapira believes that if parents would be willing to spend more money to reward those who introduced their child to his or her future spouse, this could significantly change the matchmaking scene. ."

Quite honestly, I don't think that the lack of significant pay for shadchanim is what is holding back greater communal involvement. Both Baltimore and Queens spring to mind as communities that are holding out a $2000 carrot to entice more community members to become active shadchanim. Unless I'm mistaken, there has not been any tremendous changes although there might be some greater involvement.

What is holding back greater communal involvement? Possibly the red tape that shadchanim have to cut through. There is the red tape from the boy's parents, the red tape from the boy, the red tape from the boy's Rosh Yeshiva, the red tape from the girl, the red tape from the girl's parents, and the red tape from some who advise the girl.

Trying to get two people out on a date can be very time consuming and frustrating. Nearly every time, the effort results in nothing (often not even a date!). The way I see it is that being involved in shidduchim is an act of chessed. If a person wants to make money. . . . . . they should find a job and draw a paycheck that they can count on.

What is also shocking about this suggestion is that it calls upon parents to pay more as if they all can but are holding back: "The rabbi said that while families usually invest tens of thousands of shekels on a wedding, they are more reluctant to pay the matchmakers who made the event possible." Note: While we should all be finding ways to cut back on wedding expenses, let's remember that overblown smachot are a beast largely of our own making.

My Torah knowledge is not such that I can challenge a Rosh Yeshiva, but is not hachnasat kallah for the poor or orphaned? Is it wise to encourage a solution that makes one candidate more valuable than another candidate?

It has been a while since I have been on a date with anyone other than my beloved, but I do recall that when I was dating that a friend told me that Chicago had shadchanim who were paid a salary by the community and couples who met through the services of the shadchanim donated to the fund to help others. I like this model. (Link).

Anyways, there are so many issues surrounding shidduchim, but I maintain my stance* that throwing money at the problem is not the solution.

*Flashback: This post reminds me of a past post (one of my most popular to the date), where I reviewed a proposal from a Yeshivish couple in which baalebatim are paired with less desirable girls (i.e. girls whose parents can't cough up the big bucks) to help them get more dates.

I'll Just Keep Attending "Goyish" Concerts, Thank You Very Much

Seems every blog I turn to is discussing the most recent ban on Jewish Music Concerts. I've never been to a Jewish Music Concert and probably won't be attending one in the near or far future. So, what goes on (or does not go on) at a J-Music concert is beyond me. And, since I've never been to a rock, pop, or rap concert either, what goes on or does not go on is also beyond me (although I have much more of a clue since I have seen the Super Bowl halftimes--boring! Bring me a groovy marching band like Southern or Grambling, please).

Like the Indian Sheital ban, I'm on board for this ban too (by default only). As I get older, I seem to be unable to face the loud music. Unfortunately, I left every wedding this season with a larger than life headache. I can't imagine paying to get a headache, and then paying to get a bottle of advil, and then filling out the paperwork to get reimbursed from our FSA. When I was younger, I probably would have had a fun time attending a big mob scene concert if my parents would have allowed it.

But now that I'm older, I think I will have to stick with the tried and true "goyish" concerts I've been attending since elementary school: orchestras, symphonies, big band/jazz band, and military band concerts.

Admittedly, a good half of the concerts I attended without choice, i.e. I was performing. But, even today I love to catch a concert in the park. Unfortunately, the bedtime routine or the weather gets in the way of catching these small concerts and I miss them.

Of course, it has been made clear to me that my choice in music (Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, or Brahms) is "goyish," and therefore undesirable. But now it appears that the J-Music is also considered undesirable.

So for now I will just say. . . . . .I'll stick to my "goyish" concerts, thank you very much.

Guest Post: Letter to Orthonomics Regarding Rebbe's Pay

A reader writes to me the following:

Dear Sephardi Lady,

One of our local Jewish newspapers carried an article about my son’s yeshiva and its new building project and I am wondering if perhaps some of the complaints from schools about lacking Jewish ed $ and Rebbeim not making a living wage are perhaps misplaced.

According to the article (available at the Jewish Star’s website here) 70% of families pay full tuition (I admittedly don’t – full tuition for my son would be $10,500 a year) and “the school uses its tutition dollars to pay its rebbeim well, by most standards: $70,000 to $80,000 a year”.

A Rebbi who earns 80k teaching and gets a tax break from parsonage and on top of that has enough free time to pick up a camp job in the summer and tutoring during the year ($75 an hour and up) can easily earn upwards of $100k a year, more than what I earn working at a major investment bank without summers off, longer hours, and yamim tovim counting as my vacation time. Orthonomics, please help me out here!

Dear Parent,

Like you, I have not joined the chorus line to sing about underpayment of Rebbes. Having been through the public school system and now being a full fledged member of the Orthodox community, I have noticed that there is a mesorah of sorts for teachers to complain about being underpaid. I still remember hearing all of my own teachers complaining about how little they were paid.

While I have no doubt that many Rebbes are underpaid and far too many educators suffer from the inequity of not being paid on time (which is absolutely unacceptable!), there are plenty of people working 50,60,and 70 hours a week (and enduring the commute) for what ends up being equal or even lesser pay. My father is one of those people. He always worked insane hours to pull in not that much more than a seasoned public school teacher with some senority (and my mother works for my father gratis). And, he pays for his own health insurance and has no retirement plan.


Being a Rebbe comes with benefits the rest of the working world rarely benefits from. You mentioned parsonage, shorter hours, summers off, and not having to use all your vacation time for the yamin tovim. Parsonage is a large benefit that comes with another "hidden" benefit:
the wife's salary becomes more valuable. And, if the school offers its educators automatic tuition discounts, as some do, that too is a huge benefit. In addition, many Rebbes either run summer camps or serve as camp counselors. A side benefit that often with the job: a camp scholarship for one or more children.

I'm sure that we would agree that Rebbes deserve to be paid a fair salary and I believe the community must unite to provide less expensive and better quality health insurance coverage as well as retirement benefits. But, it sounds like your son's Rebbes are being well compensated and I would agree that many of the complaints about Rebbeim not making a living wage are misplaced. The only way to clear the arguement up is to publish salary scales and the value of benefits received. I can look up the exact salary of my neighbor who teaches in public school, but I have no idea what my Rebbe neighbor makes, although I suspect it is a living wage.

My advice: If you can go into chinuch in your son's school, you might want to consider doing so.

Shabbat Shalom and Fire Away.

More Crisisis: Snorting Drugs

Rabbi Horowitz posted a letter from a couple that went to visit the scene in the Catskills on Motzei Shabbat. Since I have never vacationed in the Catskills and therefore have not seen the boy-girl interactions or the dress code in the Catskills, I am unable to acertain just how beyond the pale it is since the report was vague.

We all come from different backgrounds and harbor different sensitivities. What is over the line in your book may or may not be over the line in my book. Having attended public school, I will probably be forever less sensitive to boys and girls "cavorting," than some of my readers from more insular backgrounds.

Although, I hope to raise my children to interact with dignity with those of the opposite gender, the fact that children and young adults get together to "cavort" (which I presume includes a range from socializing to heavy flirting to limited physical interactions-they are still in public still) does not immediately send sirens off in my head.

But, no matter where you draw the line on appropriate and inappropriate boy-girl contact, I do know that snorting drugs is far beyond the pale (for every functioning parent) and this information should send shivers up and down your spine. Pushing the limits of boy-girl interactions is a reaction to the yetzer hara (the same yetzer hara that hopefully drives us to marry and establish families). In no way do I intend to minimize what might be going on (like I said, I was not there to see it), but I have to make a differentiation between fliritng and using hardcore drugs.

Using hardcore drugs is not something driven by the yetzer hara in the same way and such and issue deserves separate treatment of its own because it is just downright frightening.

But what mostly deserves attention is childrearing and the pitfalls we are seeing. We would be insane to think that all is rosy in our communities. No matter which community we are a part of (modern, Yeshivish, Chassidish, or any combination thereof), there are problems and some of them are quite glaring.

As a parent without enough years under my belt to speak authoritatively, I will just say that my next post will be dedicated to my own parents who managed to do a stellar job, if I might say so myself. It wasn't always easy growing up under their roof. But, the older I get the more I appreciate everything they did for us and the more I realize the wisdom behind their ways and want to emulate them (with some of my own adjustments).

Stay tuned please.