What Ever Happened to Expectations?

Ariella has posted about "Another throw money at it solution" for talking in shul. Regular readers of my blog know that I don't believe in throwing money at (social) problems in hopes of fixing them (see Higher Pay for Shadchanim and Are These the Middot We Want to Encourage? ).

I'm suspicious of such "solutions" as the one referenced for a number of reasons. Primarily, I think that offering a reward for something that simply should be expected serves to lower the bar (In this case, a boy can only be rewarded if he wins a drawing: raffles are another practice I'm not particularly fond of).

At least in our home, decorum in the synagogue is just simply an expectation. Children who demonstrate appropriate behavior can continue to attend services for increasing periods of time and children who demonstrate inappropriate behavior will be promptly escorted out. Of course, this requires the attending parent to forgo his/her tefilla at the drop of a hat (or employ another plan), which unfortunately many parents are unwilling to do. While we do give plenty of praise for decorum, we see no reason to give a material or monetary reward.

(Just a note: Unfortunately, I witnessed-make that *experienced*-some of the most appalling behavior of a mob group of children on Yom Kippur while trying to take my children in to hear havdalah. Worse than the problems of misbehavior of children inside the sanctuary is parents who leave their children outside of the sanctuary to fend for themselves. Groups of barely supervised to unsupervised children with nothing of substance to keep them occupied, low expectations for behavior , and no follow through on whatever threats are weakly pronounced upon the sight of inappropriate behavior and will almost surely result in behavior of the lowest common denominator).

Another issue I have with rewards in general is the "tit for tat" that they encourage. Instead of a child pushing himself (or herself if this competition included girls), they end up doing the minimum to receive an A so to speak. Instead of a child competing with himself, he starts to compete against others and reasons, why bother doing x, y, or z if I get nothing out of it?

Lastly, while an outside competition might inspire Shmuel to change his behavior, it is probably most effective to inspire those who pray with Shmuel. There are certain minyanim we will not take our children to because the behavior we want them to emulate is found lacking. I believe decorum is best handled at the grass roots level, but always my thoughts are proven wrong and that the act of throwing money proves to be more successful than this armchair economist/parent predicts.

In short: I'm just not into the parenting/educational technique that piles on rewards. I don't care for lavish praise, especially when it is for something that should be a basic expectation. I don't think my children need a bag of sweets for showing up at shul for x amount of time. I don't think they need door prizes and raffles to get them in the door to learn Torah.

I do think there is a place for praise. I do think there is a place for short term rewards that get children moving in the right direction (a la honey on the letter of the Aleph Bet, potty training, etc).

And for a far better post than mine on rewards, see Mom in Israel on Cooperation and Rewards.

Local Poverty

Leadng into Yom Kippur, I thought it appropriate to reprint a Letter to the Editor in the Yated that ran approximately a month ago (thank you to readers who send me Yated letters and editorials or Orthonomic nature as I am not a subscriber).

During the March of the Envelopes, it can be easy to overlook our own neighbors amidst the glossy pamphlets. So, hopefully this letter will serve as an important reminder. I'm sure the volunteers in ever major community who give so much of their time can recount stories such as those below.

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POVERTY IN OUR MIDST

Dear Editor,

I would like to respond to your most moving appeal which appeared in your June 8 edition. First of all, I commend you for your most impressive efforts on behalf of this family in Eretz Yisroel. I would urge your readership to respond to your appeal in a most generous manner, as the aniyim of Eretz Yisroel have the same status in halacha as aniyei ircha. May Hakodosh Boruch Hu grant you hatzlacha in your efforts.

In your article, you noted that this level of poverty can only be found in Eretz Yisroel and not here in America. Unfortunately, that misconception is shared by many, making our work much more difficult. I would like to address and hopefully correct that misconception. Today, in most, if not all, frum communities in America, there are families facing similar situations. The unthinkable has now become reality. We all thought that we could outsource our labor intensive jobs to country overseas with no ramification to the Torah community. Well, sadly, there is an entire segment of our Torah community that relied upon those jobs. Today, numerous people are facing a work environment that they are ill prepared to enter. They have not been given the skills necessary to enter today's work environment in a capacity that would grant them the ability to command a living wage.

Tomche Shabbos of Rockland County would like to awaken your readership to alarming facts. There are numerous families that have their utilities shut off every year due to nonpayment. The average unpaid utility bill in Monsey is in the range of $2,600! We have found families in the winter that had no heat or electricity for many weeks. With regularity, families face eviction from their meager homes or apartments due to rent being unpaid for many months.

Sadly, these are not unheard of occurrences. In our community, grocers regularly sell on credit. When the unpaid bill reaches over a thousand dollars, the grocer typically faces a difficult and unpleasant decision. Does he cut off the credit of another Yid, or does he continue to operate his store at a loss? Sadly, in many, many cases, the answer has been to stop providing the family with their basic food needs.

We once received a phone call from a woman whose children had just left to yeshiva. Through her tears she explained that she gave the children popcorn for breakfast, and now that that was gone, she had nothing left in her home to feed her children when they come home later that day.

There are more than 300 families in the Rockland County [N.Y.] community that have no ability to provide for themselves and their children their basic food needs. As for these nitzrochim having family, some have no family at all, some are baalei teshuvah, and some have poverty running through many branches of their family. But the result is always the same. There is no family capable of helping them. And all this occurs right under our watchful eye, yet somehow we don't see it.

Tomche Shabbos of Rockland County faces these challenges more than 300 times per week. We leave boxes of food for Shabbos at their doorsteps, try to raise money to turn on their electricity, negotiate with grocers, plead with tuition committees, and help them fight eviction.

At this time in history, Hakodosh Boruch Hu has, in his infinite wisdom, chosen to grant many people in America with wealth unimaginable just twenty years ago. The Gemara in Maseches Shabbos (151) states that wealth is something that cannot be assured to stay with a person or his family. One who, b'chasdei Hashem, is providing for his family, has the opportunity to be koneh his Olam Haboh by helping provide his neighbor with food for Shabbos, with electricity, and, most importantly, with a job. I would beg the reader to slowly re-read this paragraph so that he realizes what a zechus he can easily buy for himself today.

The purpose of this letter is not to urge your readership to send money to Tomche Shabbos of Rockland County. Rather, this writer would like to urge your readership to focus on families struggling in their own communities. Assume nothing. Ask your neighbor in confidence how his job is going. No, first ask him if he still has a job. Ask your neighbor if he makes enough money to cover the needs of his family on a weekly basis. Find out more about his financial situation. Does he have food? Electricity? Medical insurance? Is his rent or mortgage paid up to date? Work with him in confidence on getting him the re-education he needs to find a better job. The single biggest thing that you can do for him is to help him find a better job.

A friend gave me a sign to place on my desk which reads:
"Have I tried to find a fellow Yid a job today?"

Let's all remember that aniyei ircha have the halachic status of aniyei ircha.

Kedushat Yom Tov: Nannies at the Park on Yom Tov

(Blogging will be light during the aseret yamai teshuvah. Anything I post will hopefully be reflective in nature or of interest to the Mommy Crew (i.e. cooking, Yom Tov organization, etc)).

When I arrived at the park on the first day of Yom Tov I was taken aback. I know that in some communities it is commonplace to see non-Jewish nannies in the park on Shabbat or Yom Tov with Jewish children in tow. It is not so in our community. While there are those women who leave their children with their nanny while they go to shul because they "already paid for that day," I can't remember ever seeing the Nannies at our local park on a Chag.

One of the pleasures of living in a heavily shomer Shabbat neighborhood is taking the kids to the park on a yom tov. Not only do my kids have other kids to play with, but I can socialize with the other mothers while my kids play. Of course the park is open to everyone as it must and should be, but it really is a pleasure to be in a park where everyone is shomer Shabbat and there is a beautiful yom tov atmosphere.

However, when I arrived at the park (around a normal time or even a tad bit late) I saw kids that I recognized, but only one or two other parents at the other end of the park. Instead, we were greeted by nannies on cell phones/walkie talkie phones taking care of Jewish kids we've seen around the neighborhood, some as old as 6 or 7 years old. It was hardly a yom tov environment I was expecting and my spirit was lowered a bit.

Now, we are hardly extreme, but I think it is confusing for young children to see other Jewish children (as evidenced by the kippot, etc) surrounded by adults on cell phones. Now I understand that the demands on mothers today are extreme and I understand that some mothers do need extra help even on or especially on yom tov. I also understand that some mothers really desire to go to shul on the yamim noriam and resort to using help.

But, what makes my heart break is seeing Orthodox children, some of whom are attending the frummer schools, being placed into an environment where kedushat yom tov has been essentially removed. And, while I don't want to be harsh during this sensitive time, I must admit that it makes me a bit angry that frum parents would send their nanny complete with a ringing cell phone to the park on a yom tov knowing that plenty, if not the majority, of young mothers from the community would be there with their young children (many of whom are just learning about how Shabbat/Yom Tov is observed). While I don't expect a non-Jew visiting the park independently to conform to our rules, I do wish that those mothers who have decided to employ help during the chagim would have a bit of sensitivity and help maintain the environment of kedushat yom tov that is created and is such a pleasure.

Your thoughts?

Shana Tova

Shana Tov U'metuka to all of my readers and commentors. I have to thank all of you for keeping the tone pleasant while discussing issues that are important to our community. In the blogging world, that seems like a rare feat, but it is a goal I strive for and I'm lucky to have such a great group of readers, guest posters, and commentors. I'm sure there have been areas where the tone has sunk inadvertently and for that I apologize and ask forgiveness.

Have a wonderful New Year and may you all be inscribed in the book of life and be blessed with the resources to meet the needs of your families.

Rosh Hashana: Nuts, Yea or Nay?

Don't let this short post distract you from posting comments on my previous post. But can the minhagim experts please let me know just how widespread the no nuts on Rosh Hashana minhag is? Has it taken on great force in recent years because older Jewish Cookbooks don't refrain from Rosh Hashana receipes withe nuts, particularly Honey Cake? My husband can't imagine his mother's honey cake without nuts (she is pure Sephardi)!

I'm cutting the nuts out of the simanim courses because I don't want to leave my guests without food (chas v'shalom). . . . . or send anyone to the hospital (I do seem to recall one guest might be allergic). But I'm not planning to cut them out of the honey cake as there will be other dessert options. Sephardi Cooking is filled with nuts (on Rosh Hashana too) and nuts do add to the flavor and quality of the food.

So Yea or Nay to Nuts and why?

Elliot Pasik: Two Building Solution

My last guest post on tuition created a bit of discussion in the comments. Another idea that is being floated in regards to tuition comes from the New York State Yeshiva Parents Association lead by Elliot Pasik. In a February 2007 letter to various NYS Senators and Committee Chairs, the association writes these points about the cost of Yeshiva Education and how the NY governments can partner with religious parents to help alleviate the costs associated with a Yeshiva/Day School Education. (Note: This is NOT a push for a miracle such as vouchers. It is a long read for a blog post, but please hang in there. . . especially since I couldn't remember how to copy text from a PDF document and I typed this manually. . . . thank goodness I type fast, my parents insisted I take typing in summer school, which I did more than once). And, of course, add your comments.
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8. The tuition burden for nonpublic religious school parents is well past the breaking point. The norm is for middle-class orthodox Jewish families, with two full-time working parents, and three-to-six children, annually paying between twenty and forty thousand dollars per year, every year, for k-12 yeshiva/Hebrew day school education. This backbreaking tuition burden contributes to numerous negative social consequences including, debt, substance abuse, family instability, divorce, and kids-at-risk. The Jewish media is filled with recent articles addressing the yeshiva tuition problem, but unfortunately, little of practical nature is being done on a comprehensive basis. See, “The Tuition Squeeze: Paying the Price of Jewish Education”, Jewish Action, Fall 2005, Vol. 66, No. 1 (published by the Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America); “The Tuition Dilemma”, The Jewish Observer, Jan/Feb. 2007, Vol. 40, No. 1 (published by Agudath Israel of America)’ Pasik, “Resolving the Tuition Crisis”, The Jewish Press, January 11, 2006, p. 1.

Government intervention, through the rule of law, can help. Public schools are, of course, required to reveal their finances, budgets, and salaries. Public scrutiny and Government oversight can and has led to taxpayer savings, and wiser spending.

Nonpublic religious schools should be subject to the same rules of financial transparency. Again, as required by law, education, whether public or nonpublic, is a public trust. How can nonpublic school parents determine whether their hard-earned tuition money is being wisely spent unless we see the financial books and records? How can the professional parents amongst us, with backgrounds in business and accounting, make suggests that will reduce spending, and lower tuition? Financial transparency is simply common sense.

9. The tuition burden for orthodox Jewish families can also be alleviated by a “two-building” solution for many. The First Amendment clearly prohibits religious instruction within public school buildings during the school day (McCollum v. Board of Education, 333 U.S. 203 (1948)), but there is no constitutional impediment for religious children studying secular subjects (e.g., arithmetic, reading, spelling, etc.) in public schools during, let’s say, the morning hours, and religious subjects in a yeshiva building in the afternoon. A two-building program like this could cut religious school tuitions by nearly half, and revitalize numerous public school districts by brining in new students. Educ. Law 3210(b) provides that, “Absense for religious observance and education shall be permitted under rules that the commissioner shall establish.” Under this statute, it would appear that public school districts could arrange for a program for the children of religious families to attend public schools for the study of essential secular subjects for a portion of the day, and then release them for religious education.

The is, however, a regulatory obstacle. Rule 109.2 of the Rules of the Commissioner of Education (8 N.Y.C.R.R. 109.2(e)) onerously provides that released time for religious education shall be a maximum of one hour per week. The rule states, “(A)bsense for a released time program, grade K-12, shall be for not more than one hour each week. . . “

We believe this is a patently unconstitutional regulation, that interferes with the First Amendment guarantee of Free Exercise of Religion. One hour per week for the study of the Jewish religion is simply not enough. We would expect that members of other faiths may feel the same about their religious educational needs.

Released time for religious instruction was held to be constitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court in, Zorach v. Clauson, 343 U.S. 306 (1952), affg. 303 N.Y. 161. Justice William O. Douglas wrote the following, for the majority:

“We are a religious people whose institutions presuppose a Supreme Being. When the State encourages religious instruction or cooperates with religious authorities by adjusting the schedule of public events to sectarian needs, it then follows the best of our traditions, for it then respects the religious nature of our people and accommodates the public services to their spiritual needs. To hold that is may not would be to find in the Constitution a requirement that the government show a callous indifference to religious group. That would be preferring those who believe in no religious over those who do believe. We find no constitutional requirement which makes it necessary for government to be hostile to religion and throw its weight against efforts to widen the effective scope of religious influence.”

According to the web site, ReleasedTime.org, 31 states do not establish any hourly maximum for religious study released time. These 31 states flexibly allow public school districts to establish their own policies. Only 9 state, including New York, set a rock bottom maximum of one hour per week. The remaining states establish varying amounts of maximum released time.

We respectfully submit that New York should repeal its rule limiting religious study released time to one hour per week. New York, with its long history of commitment to civil liberties and civil rights, should joint he majority of those states that wisely allow local school districts to flexibly establish their own policies and rules, and thereby meet local needs. This would be particularly appropriate in New York, where we have significant orthodox Jewish populations venued in certain regions and neighborhoods throughout New York City, Long Island, Westchester, and Rockland County. Local school districts arranging for a “two-building” program could simultaneously alleviate the tuition crunch facing orthodox Jewish and other religious families, and revitablize their public schools. The recent October 24, 2006 annoucement by the U.S. Department of Educaiton that same-sex public schools will be allowed under Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972 gives impetus to this proposal. Orthodox Jewish children, and children of other faiths, can thereby partially attend same-sex public schools for the study of required secular subjects, without compromising their beliefs.

10. Finally, we support Gove. Spitzer’s proposal of $1,000 per child tuition tax credits for nonpublic school parents. This proposal can do much to alleviate the crushing tuition burden faced by nonpublic religious school families.

Dating Mentors: Who Should Singles Seek Advice From?

Hat Tip: The Wolf

Wolfish Musings points to a Jewish Press column by Cheryl Kupfer that asks singles to "think for themselves." I too have seen shidduchim nixed by third parties and, like the author, it makes me sad and mad. Sometimes that party is a Rosh Yeshiva, other times a parent, other times a shadchan, other times a friend, and other times a "mentor." I certainly think singles should seek advice, but the big question is from whom?

Nearly two years ago I wrote down a number of an over 30 single who was sharing a table with us at a wedding. He seemed really fantastic. He had a good career. He was nice enough looking. He had an impressive background in learning. And he was involved in his community and seemed very kind. He seemed perfect for a friend of mine.

So, like any good yenta would do, I called him up and told him about my friend. He seemed interested, albeit hesistant, and told me he would have to check with his parents. Unfortunately, he never got back to me. I don't fault him for that. It must be really embarrassing to be guiding high profile clients through serious legal decisions, but be unable to give a thumbs up or a thumbs down to a date without checking in with your family. I later found out that his family are very into yichus and my friend just didn't have enough of it.

Unfortunately, there is a very good chance that this mid-30's single will never have any yichus of his own. And that stinks!!! One would think that family would be some of the best mentors. Here that is not the case.

Another friend of ours went out with a young lady on two or three dates after the "research/checking out" was done. I got the feeling he liked her. But she decided to discontinue their relationship because he wasn't going to go to kollel. Now this wasn't a revelation he made on a date after relaying his intention to learn in kollel post-marriage. He had already spent a chunk of time learning and was now learning at night b'chevruta while pursuing a career during the day.

So what changed? Her "mentor" told her that it is far better to begin your bayit ne'eman by establishing a solid foundation through learning in kollel. Fortunately for him, she showed her true colors. But, being rejected hurts and our friend was hurt unnecessarily. (Of course, dating will not be painless, and I don't believe in trying to completely shield people from pain: near impossible anyways. But, being mislead just makes people cynical and angry at "the system").

Another phenomena that makes me uncomfortable is the practice of getting approval to date a certain girl. Now, I believe that introducing your (almost) intended to close confidants is a *really, really* good idea. Getting to know each other's close family and friends is a natural progression in a relationship. And, when there are issues, sometimes those confidants can see red flags more clearly than those in the relationship for a myriad of reasons. I also believe a confidant, such as a Rosh Yeshiva, can help walk a person through the initial stages of a dating relationship. But, do they have ruach HaKodesh?

I once worked very hard on a shidduch idea (see here) where the Rosh Yeshiva advised no. Both parties are married now, baruch Hashem. But, I'm still a bit in shock that both families could be comfortable with idea and yet the Rosh Yeshiva was given the final decision of whether they should go on a first date or not.

Anyways, given the fact that many singles rely on mentors, it might be a good time to open up a forum on how a single should choose a mentor, because for some individuals it seems like more harm than good is being caused. If you are using a specific mentor how can you make sure they have your best interest in mind? What about when family is a major impediment?