Parenting Crisis Revisited

(We will return to regularly scheduled programming after this message, bli neder).

As my readers who have been around from the start know, I believe we have a "Parenting Crisis" on our hands. This letter appears in this week's Yated. A father sends his son out of town to attend a Yeshiva. The son has is being called a "harry" (a term the father does not know the meaning of) and has had a change in personality.

The father's concerns:
*Will the label "harry" affect his son's chances of getting into future yeshivas?
*Will this affect his chance of getting a shidduch?

Like Wolf (link), I'm not convinced there is a "Shidduch Crisis," but I know (without a shadow of a doubt) that we have a "Parenting Crisis" on our hands. Should the father see this post, I offer the advice. . . stop worrying about your son's future learning opportunities and his future shidduch possibilities and get down to the bottom of his change in personality, which won't be easy since he is a teenager and doesn't live in your home. Priorities please!

Read on [emphasis added]:

“HARRY”
Dear Editor,
This year, my son began attending an out-of-town high school yeshiva. For the most part, it has been a wonderful experience. His rabbeim are dedicated to their heilige work, and he has made many outstanding friends. Recently, however, I began noticing that my son was a bit subdued. After much probing and prodding, I finally dislodged what was bothering him: the boys in his yeshiva had labeled him a “harry.” At first, I figured it had become fashionable to call people by their English names, so I encouraged him to divulge to his classmates his correct secular name. I since came to realize that “harry” was not being used as a noun by these children, but rather as a verb. I began to make inquiries: What exactly is the meaning of “harry”? What sort of person constitutes a “harry”? To date, I have not received any satisfactory explanation or answer. So I turn to your readers and ask, what is a “harry”? Will this label affect my son’s status in regard to which
yeshiva will accept him? Will this affect which girl will be redd to him? I am at my wits’ end and beg anybody with knowledge of this matter to write in and explain it.
A Concerned Father

Our Finances: Now is the Time to Get Involved

A few years ago I helped introduce a newly widowed lady (non-Jewish) to her finances. With the exception of the checking account, she had no idea what assets she owned, where they were, or how to access them. Dealing with the death of a spouse was difficult enough. Having to deal with her own insecurities regarding this unknown territory only compounded the loss. The issues she faced were not particularly surprising, as she was in her 80's. The fact that there are (frum spouses among us) who haven't a clue, however, is unacceptable in my opinion.

This is an issue I've been aware of for a long time and have been planning to write about (I've even had requests by email). But, there is too little time and too much to say. However, when I spotted these two threads on the Imamother Chat board, I had to move this topic to the head of the class. In one thread, a poster asks the women "Do You Get An Allowance?" I opened it up, thinking it was a discussion about giving allowances [to children], only to find out that there was no grammatical error and the thread was, in fact, about receiving an allowance from one's husband. Ugh! One poster writes that her husband provides her with $200 a week for household needs. Lovely. Another poster asks "Who Pays the Bills?" Personally, I don't care which spouse actually pays the bills, so long as it gets done properly. But, this thread revealed further disfunction as posters revealed that they they are sticking their heads in the sand, not wanting to know too much about their own finances. One poster describes herself as "happily oblivious." She does not know what the monthly expenses are, where important documents are, etc. G-d willing everything is healthy, because it would be terrible if she husband has built a house of cards, chas v'shalom and she hadsn't a clue.

And speaking of disfunction, try this on for size. A poster writes: "For a while I did have my own separate bank account . . . . I was advised by another woman to have my own account as opposed to having my paycheck going into the joint account, because there might be extras that you want for the kids that your [husband] doesn't need to know about." Excuse me for giving unsolicited advice, but hiding expenses from one's spouse is a fast way to undermine trust and end up in Beit Din.

Anyone (male or female) that doesn't want to end up "up a creek," today, tomorrow, or after 120 should take my advice: if you are not involved in your family's finances, today is the day to get involved. Now this does not mean that you need to start taking over the spending, bill paying, coupon cutting, bargain hunting, savings, investing, planning, or bookeeping and tax functions. The person who is best suited for each function should be the person dealing with that function. It probably comes as no surprise that I deal with about 99% of our financial affairs. But, just because I have been designated Family CEO and CFO, doesn't mean that my husband shouldn't receive the prospectus.

At a minimum, each spouse should know the following, (even if you have to give your spouse the State of the Union address over breakfast, in between shows, or while he/she is on the treadmill):
*Household income.
*Household expenses, by category.
*What assets you have and where they are (a well organized file system and spreadsheets are essential).
*What debts you have, where, how much, and what plan is in place to pay them off.

To be continued. I'm just getting started (iy'h).

Money: The Solution to Everything?

A Yated Letter writer had this to say (in regards to shidduchim, but he really could have been writing about any subject):

"I’m not a rabbi or an authority on the matter. I don’t have any advice to offer, except, perhaps, the idea that when money is the solution to every problem in Klal Yisroel, then that is a problem in itself."

Unfortunately, much of the advice that can be found in any society, and ours is certainly no exception, is that problems can and should be solved by "throwing money at it." For those who lack the funds (or just don't want to divert the funds), these "solutions" can be hurtful, because they aren't solutions at all. Funds or no funds, I am of the opinion that throwing money at a problem rarely attacks the root cause.

Shidduchim : Shidduchim may be the area where the popular solution of late is to offer up money to fix the problem. Forget innovation or reevaluating expectations, green is the color of the day.

Problem: A girl's parents can't ante up the funds so their daughter can marry the kollel-learning prince charming of their choice? Solution: Pair up girls unable to land the dates of their choice with big givers who will fill in the financial gap where their parents left off.

Problem: Girls in Baltimore and Girls in Queens are having a difficult time getting married by the age of 22 and 2 months or 23, respectively. Solution: Pay shadchanim $2000 per shidduch made for a girl in either community. (Note: Baltimore is know paying $2,500. Guess $2,000 was no longer motivating enough)

Problem: Not enough (Israeli) shidduchim are being made. Who's to blame? The parents. They aren't flashing enough green. Solution: Parents should pay shadchanim more.

Problem: There are more Orthodox girls dating than boys and boys want to date younger girls. Solution: The NASI (North American Shidduch Initiative) Fund looks to close the age gap between couples by providing an incentive of $750 to shadchanim of couples who are within two years of age of each other, $1250 to shadchanim of couples in which the chosson and kallah are less than a year apart, and $2000 for couple in which the girl is at least three months older than the boy.

Household Management/Shalom Bayit: The pressures of running a dual-income (or even a single income) home, especially if there are many children, can be enormous. Let's face it, sometimes we have too much on our plate. So we often hear talks about how important it is to have household help, get out with your husband for a date on a regular basis, etc, etc.

Now, sometimes these solutions can work their magic. But, for others, they are hardly a solution. If the funds aren't there (or have been designated for a different purpose), hearing about these solutions can leave one disappointed. Where is the creative thinking?

What types of organization systems can help our children put their things away? How can we help our children self-direct? What types of activities can help keep them out of our hair while we make an important call or pull together dinner?

How can those of us who have learned the ropes of managing a house share non-monetary solutions with those who can't/don't want to hire help? And how can those of us who want to learn more come together?

How about Shalom Bayit? Seems every young chatan is told how important gifts are to his wife and how he should make sure to always buy flowers for her every Shabbat. Hearing advice like this drives me batty! First off, who (besides Hallmark) assumed that all women want it flowers, jewelry, and chocolates? Maybe I am speaking for myself when I say, I want a cushion in the bank so I can sleep at night, and no crumbs on the countertop. Other women I know want flowers, perhaps at the expense of their budget.

(Hat Tip: Ariella of Kallah Magazine). Problem: Wife lashes out at husband and throws a chair. Solution: Buy her flowers. Perhaps the little I have read from this very popular internet Rabbi, I have read incorrectly. But, it seems to me that gifts isn't the solution to serious Shalom Bayit issues.

Chinuch:

Problem: You want your son to learn more Torah. Solution: Father-Son learning programs offer some really cool prizes. This really could turn into its own post, but we have opted out of the motzei Shabbat learning programs for now. My son loves learning and I don't feel the need to ply them with soda, candy, and pizza to do so. And, as my readers know, I'm not much into raffles, even if you can win an IPod. This is a far cry from nuts and honey the Rambam suggests. (Also, with thanks for commenter "anonymous mom").

(Hat Tip: Once again Ariella) Problem: Kids can't be quite in shul. Solution: They should enter a raffle for a prize of $25 for not talking at specific time or $50 for not talking at all. What ever happened to role modeling and expectations?

And on that note, I'm looking forward to Rabbi Horowitz's next parenting column. Problem: A family wants to see their children get good marks in school. A Possible Solution: Pay them. I'm willing to predict that Rabbi Horowitz isn't going to buy into this solution.

The Yated writer is correct. When it seems like the solution to every problem is MONEY, that alone is a problem.

Insularity or Arrogance?

Rabbi Adlerstein has written a post for Cross-Currents titled "Silver Lining in the LA Scandal Cloud." Rabbi Adlerstein sees good things ahead now, that in the wake of this most recent scandal, Rabbonim and Mechanim are addressing personal honesty and integrity. He believes their efforts will help "decrease the likelihood of waking up to a different scandal in the future."

I might be one of the few bloggers who has the Tax Notes for this case sitting on my nightstand (lawyers, accountants, college students can access these through Lexis-Nexus or other legal search engines). Personally, I would not use insularity to describe the reason for perpetrating this fraud at all, but rather arrogance.

The sheer span, depth, and width of this complicated scheme, which evolved as it became more widespread and there were more tracks to cover, involved perpetrators from different subgroups of the Orthodox community, from a lawyer/businessman to the Spinka Rebbe himself.

I believe I have enough of a background with fraud to say that this is not a crime borne through insularity. Perhaps insularity combined with ignorance can bring result in small financial crimes, but arrogance combined with desperation is the brainchild behind complicated fraudulent schemes such as this one and others that we have been continually witnessing for at least the past 20 years.

I commend the Rabbonim for speaking out and trying to make an impact. I hope that their efforts will be well rewarded. But, I'm afraid that we must address desperation (!) side-by-side when speaking about honesty and integrity or we are wasting our breath. The more desperate, the greater a calculated risk one is willing to take. Normally, one doesn't rob a bank when they need $1000 or even $10,000. During an audit or investigation, a tip off that something just isn't quite right is evidence that someone is living far beyond their means.

A poster at Cross-Currents suggested that Choshen Mishapat should become standard for men and (especially) women (Why especially women? You will have to read the Cross-Currents comments. Personally, I don't think the women are the ones dreaming up these schemes). And on that note, I would also like to point out that parents need to make sure their daughters believe and act as equal partners in the financial dealings of their household. No one should sign on the line of their next 1040 Tax Form without knowing where the income and where the deductions came from. Every single one of these white-collar "victimless crimes" leaves a wife and children as the victims and I'm getting tired of it already.

Transparency Put into Practice

Hat Tip: Rabbi Torczyner

Not a post goes by on communal money on any blog without posters asking and begging for transparency. Unfortunately, transparency isn't always so easy to come by. And when we donate, we often do so with a bit of "blind faith."

Rabbi Torczyner is looking to change this and he has started to distribute an annual financial report for the Rabbi's Benevolent Fund (sometimes known as the Discretionary Fund) which shows "how much went for tuition, for special collections, for loans vs. gifts, for Maos Chittim, etc." See the Rabbi's post here.

He also points to three sources to help verify tzedakot.

Perhaps on day greater transparency will become standard! Chazak U'Baruch in leading the way.

Work-Study Programs in Catholic and Jesuit Schools

Some parishes serving inner-city communities have instituted an innovative program for students unable to afford the tuition: work-study.

In short, local businesses provide paid positions to Catholic High School students enrolled in a work-study high school program. A team of students share one job, each working one day a week and attending school the remaining days of the week. The company pays a majority of the tuition for each student enrolled in the work-study program and a combination of the parents and/or other funding sources pick up the remainder of the tuition.

Student's intern in professional environments (e.g. banks, law firms. . . . no one is flipping a burger) and learn skills that not only pay for their high school education, but help them work their way through college. The first work study parochial high school program began in Chicago in 1996.

This fascinating article outlines the growth of the Christo Rey network of work-study high schools throughout the nation, already 5000 students strong and rapidly expanding. The program that started with only 80 students in a poor urban Chicago community has expanded to a nationwide network of 19 schools and 5000 students. More new schools are slated to open in 2008 and by 2012 the goal is to serve 12,000 students. In addition, the Christo Rey Network receives funding from a number of corporations and private foundation. The network's website can be found here. There are links to numerous news stories there, few of which I have had a chance to read.

I find this program to be innovative and exciting. Take the comments wherever you want to take them. I'm signing off for now.

Islamic Day Schools

Don't worry, you haven't tuned into the Islamonomics blog by accident. In the past, discussions about tuition have turned to other private schools, including Catholic schools known for their range of tuitions, some of which are quite low. Some of my readers don't particularly like to compare Catholic Schools to Jewish schools, although I think we need to be extracting as many good ideas from as many places as we can get them to combat the tuition issues.

One of the reasons they believe Catholic schools cannot be compared to Jewish schools is that they rely on nun labor and take students who are not Catholic (and who pay higher tuitions than parish members). From what I am told, nun labor is a relic of the past and that longer teachers are hired on the free market (as well as fired, if you recall the somewhat recent case of an out of wedlock pregnant teacher). And, blog reader and commentor Charlie Hall tells me that in NYC the Catholic school teachers are even unionized. Others do not believe that the schools can be compared because Catholic schools do not offer the same intensive religious curriculum. Never having attended a Catholic school, I don't know how intense the dual curriculum offered is, but I can tell you that Catholic schools tend to have highly competitive sports teams and extracurriculars like dance and band, and I joke not when I tell you that this costs lots of money too.

So what other school model(s) could we use for comparative and learning purposes? Recently on a drive outside of frum New York, I spotted a large building with Arabic writing. I promptly said, "That building is huge, what is it?" and made my husband circle the block. Call us "country bumpkins," but we were unaware that there are large Islamic private schools throughout the country popping up in major city centers, that boast intensive Islamic studies side by side with College Prepatory tracks.

And the tuition is astoundingly INEXPENSIVE. Unfortunately, the schools seem to have about as little internet presence as a Bais Yaakov or Yeshiva, but I was still able to extract some interesting information (financial only, as what some journalists report they teach is nothing but downright dangerous from the perspective of this Apple Pie eating Jewish American).

An example of one such comprehensive Islamic day school is the the Al-Noor School in Brooklyn, which runs from PreK-12. While the school day appears to be shorter than that of your normal Modern Orthodox high school, the tuition is inexpensive. Perhaps they have major donors, a wide base of supporter, offer less extracurriculars, or some other secret (my husband pointed out they are organized into their own "diocese" or district, keeping out duplication, a problem I've talked about in regards to Day Schools/Yeshivas). But, with tuition for high school running $4,200 and tuition for K-7th running First child: $ 3600 for the first child, $ 3400 for the second child, $ 3200.00 for the third child, $3,000 fourth child, $2,800 for the fifth child, and $0 (yes, free) for the sixth child, one must wonder how they keep tuition so manageable. A school in the DC area charges a higher amount for the 1st child ($5250), but gives a 40% discount for children 3, 4, 5, etc. In addition, this school gives a 10% tuition waver based on your IRS 1040 if your family income falls below $75,000 for 4 children in school, $65,000 for 3 children, $55,000 for 2 children, and $45,000 for 1 child. Unfortunately, the website for the school I located in Portland, Oregon is down, so I am unable to pull the tuition rates, but as I recall, they were ridiculously low for the first child, and were significantly discounted for each additional child. IIRC it was around $3300 for the first child and discounted from there.

Unfortunately, there is nothing on guidestar so it is impossible to extract any information or even theories about administrative pay, staff costs, or tuition scholarships. And, while I often meet Catholic school parents at the library or doctors office and have been able to ask questions about their schooling system, I have never met an Islamic school parent and tried to start up a conversation (can't imagine that would be a success anyway!). So I can only wonder how they manage to keep tuition so low.

But I can tell you this, I'd sure like to learn more!

Can you even imagine being able to send five (plus) children to school for just over $20,000 a year (without begging and groveling)? (Actually you can do that at the local Catholic school down the street from me if you are a member of the diocese). I can't even put two children in my local Orthodox elementary school for $20,000. It is no wonder tuition is called the best form of birth control (and what a shame).

Get-Rich Quick

No, this is not a post about how to get rich quick. Wrong time, wrong channel blog. My blog looks at the basics of building a sound financial future (hard work, discipline, living below your means, saving in tax preferred ways, and learning to say no to yourself and others, and growing your income by saving).

Unfortunately, too many people are looking for a quick fix. And, when desperation sets in, it is even harder to face the music and opt for the tried and true way. While I support free press (and the Yated could use more of it!), I think the Yated made a blunder when they published a letter to the editor about a way to "get rich quick." The original letter writer wrote back saying she received 120 calls to join the company [whose name I will not print]. Not all letters to the editor need to be published, and when you see readers crying out week after week for "solutions" to their problem, I would say it is best not to distract them with get rich quick musing promising large amounts of extra money for minimal work in the comfort of your home. It would be far better to run a column on frugality, working to change the prevailing culture one matching yom tov dress at a time.

Fortunately, Rabbi Eli Teitelbaum formulated a letter expressing his dismay and had the proper words to convey the sentiment. I'm reprinting it here because I'm sure we all know someone involved in some sort of business venture or investment that they really should not be in, either because it won't pay off (or, worse yet, will cost them financial, to say nothing of the time wasted that could have been used more productively), or in the case of the latter (i.e. investments), they just should not be "investing" yet because they just don't have the proper financial footing to be able to do so in a smart way. And entering business ventures and investments in a state of desperation can also lead to, r"l, dishonesty.

I'm re-printing this worthwhile read below (emphasis added). Keep this page bookmarked and feel free to refer friends to this letter:

GET-RICH-QUICK” SCHEMES

Dear Editor,

Reader beware!In last week’s Readers Write column of the Yated, someone suggested a solution to the parnassa crisis by joining some MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) company making the latest rounds. Once again, I must warn all the readers that these MLMs have been tried since the time of Mesushelach and the only thing they will do for you is get you deeper into the quicksand and add to your pain and troubles.

I’m sure they’ll tell you that they are different than all the rest and provide you with names of people who are making millions. It’s time people realize that there is no treasure chest hidden at the end of the rainbow and the moon is not made out of cheese. There is no quick and easy way to riches unless you inherit it.

Many people were in Amway (also known as Scamway) for many years and never made the riches they were promised. The average monthly gross income for active distributors of Amway for January 1998 was $88. This was before expenses. Anyone who dangles a diamond-studded chain in front of your eyes is only trying to draw your attention. It’s like waving a red kerchief in front of a bull. We must never allow our greed and need for money to short-circuit our normal thinking process and common sense.

Unfortunately, many have lost both their time and life-savings by investing in these MLMs. For those who want to learn more about these so-called “get-rich-quick” schemes or MLMs, I suggest they read the book “Behind the Smoke and Mirrors,” by Ruth Carter, or “False Profits,” by Bob Fitzpatrick before investing their money.

While not all MLMs are the same, one should always consult his own accountant before investing his money and never rely on the advice of those who sell the product or franchise. It’s important that you find out what the average monthly gross income after expenses is for active distributors and what percentages of them have remained in the business for more than a year.

Don’t rely on the claims of a few who say they are making lots of money or tell you that you must work very hard at it in order to succeed. What they often fail to tell you is how much time you’ll actually have to put in, and how difficult it is to sell the product which is also being sold by many others, or how cheap you can buy a similar product in a local department store. More often than not, they will exaggerate the “miraculous” powers of their product, claiming that you can’t buy anything compatible anywhere else. One wonders why they don’t sell these miracle products in all stores.

Here’s a simple piece of advice to follow. If it sounds too good to be true, then stay away, don’t believe a word they say, and run the other way. Just because someone claims that it’s not an MLM doesn’t mean it’s not. If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck, no matter what anyone may call it! Not all that glitters is gold!

SincerelyRabbi Eli Teitelbaum

Price Setting and the Shabbos Robe

Hat Tip: The Muquata and Lion of Zion

The JPost has an interesting article up about a Shabbos Robe cartel. According to the article, "growing concern over the survival of this niche market led a group of retailers and manufacturers this summer to form the Loungewear and Hostess Gown Council, which synchronized sale dates and markup prices. Sales are scheduled to be held on January 1 and on July 4, 2008, and the markup price for shabbos robes increased from 50 percent to 65% above wholesale."

Women who have waited for a "bargain" in the past are out in the cold this year and store owners, either unintimidated or completely ignorant of US Antitrust Laws, have even posted notices pertaining to this arrangement on their store doors. Amazing! (In addition, I find it hard to believe this is an industry in danger of survival, as it claims. Nor can I believe that markup was only 50% because that just doesn't seem like a sound investment in inventory for a proprietor. Sorry, just not buying it).

While I don't have a great personal interest in the price of Shabbos Robes (I like wearing them, but I can take it or leave it and at $150-$250 I'm sooner to leave it. . . . . fortunately there are less "exlusive" robes to be had), I do care a great deal about price fixing.

And, I'd like to know other ways (if any) that competition in the frum market is being intentionally thwarted?

Needed: Guest Reporter in the New York/New Jersey Area

Blog reader Elitzur notified me that there is a talk this coming Saturday evening at 7:45PM in the Highland Park/Edison NJ area at Ohr Torah. It will be given by Yossi Prager, executive director for North American AVICHAI, entitled "The High Cost of Jewish Living."

I would really appreciate it if a reader could attend the talk and record a transcript to be posted at this blog. Let me know if you can do this. I wish I could offer compensation, but I haven't even jumped on the blog ads yet.

Vacationing In a Pack

Rabbi Horowitz has a question up on his webpage this week from (dual-income) parents who are under pressure from their children to take them on an exotic mid-winter vacation because some of their friends go. These parents are fortunate enough to not only meet their tuition obligations, but to also be able to save for their own retirement as well as their children's education. They are wondering whether they should just "give in" or "hold their ground."

Rabbi Horowitz advises them to speak to their children about finances and offer alternatives. What he does not address is what I find to be a bizarre phenomena, i.e. the need to "vacation" in a pack.

Over a year ago, Mom in Israel reviewed a terrific book (which I promptly checked out from the library) called Hold on To Your Kids. Author Gordon Neufeld takes a look at the erosion of proper attachments which have caused modern children to be "peer oriented" as opposed to "parent oriented." He old looks at many factors, from economic to technological that have further separated adults from youth. He also looks at a number of social ills impacted by peer attachment.

One of the underlying Orthonomic issues we keep coming back to again and again in this blog, no matter what the subject, is the need for conformity, and, of course, how that erodes financial health. The letter writer asked specifically asked about mid-winter break vacations, but could well have been asking about putting on a particular type of wedding for their child, post-high school yeshiva/seminary, or even buying the latest fashions. Our children (and oftentimes their parents) are highly concerned about being "normal."

In his book Hold on to Your Kids,, Neufeld makes suggestions for combating peer attachment. One suggestion he makes is family vacations away from the children's friends. In the frum community, vacation often means heading off to a location filled with people of your "type" (be it modern or black hat). Pesach destinations even advertise day camps for the vacationing parents' children.

Rabbi Horowitz writes, "so, don’t go overboard in your refusal to ‘keep up with the Cohens.’ Remember that you can pick and chose with whom you wish to associate, while your children spend 8-12 hours each day with the peers in their classes – like it or not." I would say that sometimes our children need to get away from the Cohen's and their kids. A budget vacation (leave the blackberry, cell phones, and laptops), if doable, perhaps to a historic region or national park could serve an important purpose. Children don't need to be around their friends 24/7, and we adults don't need to be around our friends 24/7 either. I'd say we could use some time away from the "Cohen's."