The Parenting Crisis Revisited (Yet Again)

Perhaps the one "crisis" I have yet to read about in an Orthodox, especially Yeshivish, publication is the Parenting Crisis. Yet, this is probably one of the few that I am sure actually exists. Welcome to yet another installment of the "Parenting Crisis." What I have to say here may possibly be more harsh than one of my earliest blog posts titled "Parenting Crisis IV: Chas V'Shalom you actually raise your children, More crassly know as 'Don't breed 'em if you won't raise 'em'"

The letter writer referenced above was upset that schools have the audacity to give students and teacher a break, which inconvenienced her (a working parent. . . did she not know that children get vacations?). She suggested that the schools step in a organize a winter camp to "make everyone happy" and that if the teachers "refuse do this" they should hire other people, or seek out teenage volunteers, to cover winter break. The sense of entitlement was dripping from the letter. The letter writer then went on to launch a fairly valid complaint about staggered pick up times and then went on to complain that schools sometimes ask the parents pick up a child [i.e. be a part of disciplining their child], which gets in the way of a bread winning wife and a husband in learning (whose duties apparently do not include stepping in as a parent where and when needed despite his availability). I didn't have anything nice to say about her attitude back then and nothing has changed on that front.

The letter writer below I believe exemplifies much of the same attitude as the former letter writer, i.e. don't make me inconvenience myself for my children. This letter writer says the following [my comments in orange]:

THE VISITING DAY CRISIS
Dear Editor,I know that I already sound like a broken record. I am again writing about Visiting Day in summer camps. [I wonder how many times the father has wrote to the Yated on the same subject already]. We have to realize that summer camp is not a luxury. [I'm still not convinced, especially when it comes to sleep away camp]. With the economy in a recession, with thousands of layoffs, with inflation in the food sector - and especially in the kosher food industry, making ends meet has become impossible for most people. [And sending away to camp is still a necessity? Day camp won't do?] What right do camp operators have to force parents to waste a whole day - with gas at well over $3 a gallon, totaling close to or more than $100 a day - visiting more than one camp? ["Waste" is the term you choose to describe visiting children who might be as young as eight years old??? I am shocked he uses waste before describing the financial outlay! And who is forcing you? If you don't want to visit your children, which you obviously don't, stay home. I've never been to a sleep away camp, but I don't believe any director "forces" a parent to visit their child(ren), anymore than a school "forces" parents to comes to a school play or band concert. These are things we do for our children because we are parents, even when we are bored or would rather be doing something different]. And don’t forget about the rising highway and bridge tolls. Who can afford this? Let the mothers cry a little, but don’t give the fathers a heart attack worrying. [Here is where I fly off the handle! This letter writer and the other letter writer above appear to be primarily concerned with their own needs, relegating the needs of their children (especially the need for contact with their parents) as secondary. Saying "let the mothers cry a little," is rather self-centered in my opinion. It isn't the adult missing out here (the adults are on a kid free vacation). . . . it is the child(ren) who may not be ready to be parent free for 4-10 weeks straight]. There must be an easier way to give the staff members at the camps their well deserved tips. Why not pay the tips when registering? It is not perfect, but so what? [I'm sure the counselors are happy to see your green whether it comes by US Mail or via personal delivery. Your children on the other hand. . . . . . . . . . oh, I'm sorry, we were not discussing the children, were we?].
Name Deleted [the writer signed his name and location]

I recognize that parents are busy. I recognize that parents are stressed for time and money. But, ladies and gents, we have got a huge problem if any of the attitudes in the previous letters are indicative of thoughts going through the heads of our children's classmates and/or future spouses. It is no wonder that so many children are becoming seemingly disconnected from their own parents if their parents have put in place a life that doesn't make room for their children, the children they chose to have! It is no wonder what teachers having an increasingly difficult time managing classes. It is no wonder that academic achievement is falling. Sorry for being harsh, but the don't inconvenience me attitude is a self-indictment of the highest degree. Parenting is "inconvenient." But Hashem entrusted our children to us and we are obligated to do more than operate the "Bank of Mom and Dad."

Pesach: Hiddur via Aveirah

Pesach is coming and I'd like to start handing out my own unsolicited advice about how to keep the costs under control. I've been MIA here, but now that every bedroom and bathroom has been scrubbed clean (I even found one piece of chometz amongst the crumbs here and there), perhaps I can sit down and relax a bit because I can't tackle the kitchen, dining area, or living room yet (thanks ProfK for inspiring me to get moving on Pesach!).

I also plan to revisit two topics that I have neglected to come back to, but intend to revisit: retirement and "Our Finances." I welcome anyone that wants to Guest Post on keeping Pesach under control and you don't have to limit yourself to just the financial aspects either.

I was angered to see this Letter in the Yated about frum people bouncing checks, especially checks for items they obviously should never have been purchasing in the first place. And I also want to say it is time to stop sugar coating these aveirot by calling them a "chillul Hashem" because they are far greater than a chillul Hashem. Failing to pay someone is theft. I'm afraid "chillul Hashem" just doesn't pack enough punch.

The letter writer kindly pins ths problem on irresponsibility and financial disorganization. I'm not so kind, especially after a businessman from Boro Park and his wife shared their method for cashing (large) checks received from those in their very own community, a method I think is worth sharing because it really stinks to have checks bounced on a business and I've seen it "from the inside" and I'm mad about it:

He goes into the bank the check was written from and asks if there is enough money in the account to satisfy the check. If not, he finds out how much he can draw and makes a determination if those funds are enough to satisfy him. If so, he cleans out their checking account and writes off the remaining balance due (i.e. he is happy to take what he can get and is resigned to the fact he won't be able to get the rest of the balance due).

Being part of the community, he (sadly) knows not to be so trusting. Unfortunately, this was not the case for this Korean family business.

HOW COULD YOU?
Dear Editor,
This past Erev Shabbos, I made my weekly trip to what’s known in Flatbush as the nicest and freshest flower shop in town. I always say hello, goodbye and thank you to the owner of the store when I visit. After this week’s thank you, the Korean owner and his wife showed me that they just hung up a couple of bounced checks on the wall. They wanted to know if I can help them locate these people. The names were all Yiddishe ones. They told me that they usually don’t take checks, but before Pesach last year (4/07), people came rushing in right before “the holiday” and begged the store to accept their checks. The storeowner and his wife told me, “We figured that with such nice people, there’s nothing to worry about, especially with checks amounting to less than twenty dollars each.” I was so embarrassed and shocked. How irresponsible can people be? You bounce a check for $12 last year Erev Pesach and you don’t bother to take care of it? I mean, don’t you read your monthly bank statement? Because of you, Hashem’s name is being desecrated over and over again, with literally hundreds of people walking into the store throughout the week and viewing the checks. We are so busy fixing the world’s problems, but maybe we ought to give lessons on how to open and read your mail. Please pay the store the money you owe and figure out how to do teshuvah for making such a chillul Hashem by being so last minute and so tzufloigin. There is no excuse.
Embarrassed on Avenue N and Coney Island

Can some "askan" go in and pay the store owners their loss and (if they so choose, which they hopefully would choose to do) pursue the non-payers since this small "mom and pop" business will probably never see their money? I'd label buying flowers for Yom Tov with money you don't have as a "hiddur ha-ba'a ba-aveira." Could stealing flowers for yom tov, to be even worse than stealing matzah (a classic mitzvah ha-ba'a ba-aveira)????? I'd say so. While nice, the flowers were not even necessary in the first place.

Public Service Announcement:
Interested in Living "Out of Town?"

The OU is not paying me to run this advertisement (although I will happily allow them to pay me for making this announcement). I received the following in my email box and hope it might be of interest to my readers. Anyone able to attend that would like to post their notes as a guest post here is welcome to email me. Things are a bit slow on the blogging front while I attack some major projects, to say nothing about the most major project (Pesach).

On Sunday, April 6, 2008, at New York's Grand Hyatt Hotel, 12-6 pm, the OU will showcase fourteen growing Jewish communities from around North America where you could relocate. You will meet community representatives and learn directly from them about:
synagogues, day schools and yeshivot
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Torah atmosphere in which to raise children
rewarding retirement opportunities

The following communities will be highlighted:

• Bay Area: Oaklandand San Francisco, CA
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• Edmonton, AB, Canada
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• Vancouver, BC, Canada

A Bunch of Topics: Purim, Rewards, Aggressive Collections, and More

Reader and frequent commentor "Anonymous Mom" asks in the comments section to last post:

I have a Purim-related question. I just found out that the learning for boys that has become en vogue in many Shuls on Purim morning is often sponsored by people financially so that they can get the merits of the learning or some other Zechus for their family. In other words, the boys are being told that if they learn for an hour in the Shul after Megillah, they will get a door prize, plus be entered for a big-ticket item such as an IPOD or expensive bike. I found this out because we asked the Shuls in our area if they could give the boys the name of a sick relative of ours to keep in mind and say Tehillim for while they are there and we were told we would have to cough up some money. Every Shul, but one had the same response. Any thoughts on this?

I'm hoping the readers might have some answers for her.

I think my readers know my feelings on rewards, especially expensive rewards. I want to add one thing. . . .not every parent wants their child to have an IPOD! I'm one of those parents. I'm from the days of Walkmans and my parents did not allow me to have a Walkman. At the time, I thought they were the most terrible parents, not allowing me to have what "everyone" else had.

I wanted to be able to listen to music of my choice in private. My parents thought the boom box (another blast from the past) placed in my own room was enough privacy. They had their preferences in music, so if I was breaking the rules, I had to listen quietly. My parents didn't like seeing kids tuned out from their own families while on vacations, etc, as they were too busy with their walkmans.

Today, I've turned into my parents and I'm sure my own children will be crying that they are the "only" ones without an IPOD (or whatever the next new thing is).

My question would be: is it appropriate for a shul or school to offer a prize that some (terrible) parents would not want their children to receive? And, while I am not a big reward type of parent, but, since the rewards culture seems to be the prevailing culture, what rewards would be motivate teenagers and still be parent approved? (A less expensive bike would be fine by me if I could appreciate the learn for an hour and potentially win a huge reward--sorry, I just can't jump on this boat. . . . 1 hour! Come on!).

Updated: Commentor Rachel asks her own question:

"Can you claim that the Torah that was learned was Lishma? Does the zchus on non Lishma learning count? I know young kids don't usually get the concept of learning Lishma, hence the concept of rewards such as candy. But if the reward is an ipod, clearly these are bigger kids who should be able to understand Lishma. (maybe we are just extending childhood by another 5 years) Anyone knows the answer to this question?"

I'd say she is onto something.

Let the comments fly.

Gambling Literature For Your Yeshiva Student

Recently I highlighted a Letter to the Editor in the Yated labelled the "Gambling Crisis." I'm not sure how much of a problem gambling is in the frum community, but I am sure it is a growing issue (possibly fueled by desperation, lack of a vision for an achievable plan) that has negatively impacted the lives and the finances of many a family in klal yisrael. I also know that gambling comes in many different forms including "investing" which may include putting a lot of (sometimes borrowed money) on risky stocks, businesses, or real estate. It may also take the form of "tzedakah" potentially masking problems that could be more easily diagnosed if the "donor" was going to Atlantic City or Vegas and diverting money away from basic necessities. And, of course, we have gambling with a hashgacha such as the Chareidi Lotto in Israel which I reported on not too long ago.

The proclivity towards gambling can be included in any discussion about the draw to other vices and temptations that will never be eradicated completely. What I have an issue with is mainstreaming gambling, and especially mainstreaming it at a young age.

I'm sure it is obvious that I like to read articles and editorials in frum publications. Recently, while at a friend's home, I picked up a publication geared towards children the young elementary grades called the Binah Bunch. It appears to be a publication geared towards elementary Bais Yaakov students and cheder boys.

Therein was a story about a father and his son. The father was reading the newspaper and recognized the numbers from the lotto. He called to his son, "do you still have the lotto ticket you bought last week?" The son finds his ticket and is thrilled to find out he is now rich. The story continues about his dreams of being a gvir (running into easy money and becoming a "gvir" isn't exactly the dream I have for my own children) and some halachot given over by a pesky little sister who informs him he will have to put his ticket in his pocket during tefilla as he can only hold a siddur. In the end, the boy finds out his ticket is a week old which is supposed to convey some sort of lesson, but it wasn't the message I'm afraid the kids reading it will receiving.

As you noticed, I highlighted the words which indicated the father was knowingly involved in introducing his young son (a son who can't even buy a lotto ticket himself legally) to gambling and the unhealthy focus on making easy money that comes with such (we an all dream and we all do dream, but I don't think this is something to encourage particularly). This (hopefully) fictional character wouldn't be the first father to introduce his sons to gambling, but he might the first portrayed in a large velvet kippah and a long beard.

Here is a blast from the past my husband and I ended up discussing after seeing this story. When I was in early elementary school (the same grades as the readers of the Binah Bunch magazine), the lotto became legal and it was the craze. There were parents whose children would mimic adults by carrying around their own lotto tickets their parents had dutifully bought for them. My parenets would have no part in any of this and spoke a lot that year about wealth, gambling, and chasing dreams. I recall a lot of these conversations took place at one particular gas station that was littered with discarded tickets (which I wanted to pick up and take to school since it was "cool.") My parents spoke a lot about how wealth is normally built through hard work and discipline, how those who receive a windfall and lack discipline often loose it all, how the gambling industry makes its money by ensuring an large overall loss, how the odds are stacked against this player, and how people can loose tremendous sums of money in the long run as they spend just "one dollar" more thinking it will be the winning ticket out. My parents would also point out how gambling preys on those who can afford it least by pointing out establishments in rough intercity areas (normally stations near a pawn shop and a check cashing establishment).

The teachers were also visibly annoyed with this lotto craze. I remember them telling students to put away tickets, confiscating them at times. They expressed their distaste and eventually the gambling distraction seemed to pass. While advertisers for the lotto were clearly doing their best to sell an entire generation on the lotto, even before any of us could legally buy our own tickets, the teachers were not participating directly or indirectly as I recall (and the public schools were a beneficiary of some of the proceeds).

Unfortunately, it seems that gambling is being mainstreamed in the chinuch of some frum children. I'm not about to come out and say we should live in a world where any game of luck should be made assur (playing card games can be a lot of fun, dreidel is a highlight of Chanukah and part of our messorah, entering a store raffle is something I've done from time to time and once my mother won a necklace during a jewlery demonstration in Sears which was exciting). But, I can't help but be concerned when a story about a young boy buying his own lotto ticket, with his father's knowledge and approval, is featured in a children's publication.

How did such a story make it past the editorial board of a frum children's magazine? (This is cynical, so please excuse me, but there is no way a young girl's elbow would have made it past). Somehow, I'm guessing that a similar story would not have made it past the editorial board of Scholastic Magazine, although perhaps I'm out of touch and mistaken. Parents seem to be demanding more and more frum publications out of fear of the Berenstein Bears (yes, Berenstein Bears as bad reading material was featured in a Yated letter to the editor long ago). But, do these same parents know what their kids are reading about and what values are being promoted?

Ultimately, a society that has 9th graders taking a dreidel spin for $10 a turn, shouldn't be shocked that a "crisis" is brewing. Presuming the Yated Letter Writer did not over exaggerate, it shouldn't be surprising to find out this brewing 'crisis' also has a self-inflicted component.

Perhaps it is time to look deeper into what messages our children are receiving about gambling in particular and money/wealth/material objects in general. Because between the very popular Chinese Auctions, which are highly tempting, to "innocent" stories like the one I have featured in this post, might be sending some messages that we don't particularly want our children to be receiving.

Or, perhaps I'm just off my rocker and there really is not problem with elementary students buying lotto tickets and/or reading about it.

Book Review in Honor of Purim: No!

I recently finished reading a book called No! Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsch PhD. With Purim a week away, Orthodox media from papers to blogs to list serves are buzzing about the dangers of drinking and intoxication, especially amongst teenagers. I think the uninhibited and danger use of alcohol amongst many teenage boys on Purim is part of a larger problem, the inability for parents to say "No!" to their children. But it is not just the parents, it is the inability of an entire community to say "No!" and set appropriate limits, which is ironic given the number of things that the klal can say "No!" to.*

Long time readers know just how important I think saying "No!" is. So, when I found out there is an entire book dedicated to the concept of "No!," I decided a trip to the library was in short order. This book introduces some basic science of the brain which gives a new dimension to understanding child development and the importance of setting and enforcing limits, with an emphasis on building relationships with your children. The book explains just how vital limits are for raising disciplined, productive adults. Each chapter has a yes/no checklist, some dos and don'ts, and practical advise which helps sum of the information presented in each chapter. The book is an easy read and the author does not get bogged down in scientific terms or psychological jargon. The book is much more of a warm chat over a cup of tea.

The chapters are as follows with some brief notes on the chapter in green:
1. No: Why Kids Need It (Looks at changes in culture, the potential economic impact of low expectations and swollen expectations, and more).
2. Saying No is a Yes Culture (Looks at the challenges from media and advertising in an "instant gratification" culture. Looks at the shrinking attention span as it relates to a culture where children are conditioned to expect instant rewards, be entertained, no have to suffer discomfort, etc. Talks about the important of frustration, pain, and discomfort for building positive character traits).
3. No and the Brain (A short science lesson on brain development, experience and wiring the brain, windows of opportunity and windows of sensitivity).
4. Self-Esteem: Kids Need the Real Thing (An important chapter in my opinion. The self-esteem movement of the 1980's and 1990's has definitely made its way into the frum community and seems to be here to roost. This subject deserves its own treatment in a future post. This chapter looks at self-esteem myths and the importance of attaining the real thing and how to foster it).
5. Styles of Parenting (Husband and Wife working together, building strong emotional connections with children, helping children take charge of their life, staying out of endless negotiations with children).
6. A Baby's First Year: A Time to Connect (Importance of connection and security, Warning against electronic baby media).
7. Toddlers and Preschoolers: Limits and Consequences (Big changes, offering choices, helping children balances their will with the needs of others, consistency, attention getters, impulse control) .
8. Catching Kids Being Good: The Middle Years (Getting out of a Rut, Saying No in other ways, Traps to avoid: doing things for kids they can do themselves, put-downs, overprotection).
9. The Teenage Years: Loosen but Don't Let Go (Teenage Brain under construction, Helping kids put on the breaks, "Neurons that fire together wire together," Importance of Parental Unity or "It Takes a Village to Say No," Chemical Substances an the Teenage Brain).
10. Wired Differently: Special-Needs Children and No
11. Practical Questions about No (Different Ways to Say No, handling tantrums and the importance of not rewarding them, handling defiance, behavior contracts for issues beyond the pale).
12. Taming the Gimmes (Branding, media messages, "Share, Save, Spend" Plan, Thank Yous, high entitlement/low appreciation, allowances should be tied to chores).
13. Raising Media Wise Kids
14. No is Not a Destination; No Is the Road to Yes

Back to the subject of Purim. The Book No! references a study in the footnotes to back up the assertion that "Teen brains are more sensitive to the effects of chemical substances." The study's title is "Age Dependent Inhibition of Long-term Potentiation by Ethanol in Immature vs. Mature Hippocampus," in the Alcohol Clinical Experimental Research 19:1480-1485 (1995) by H. Swartzwelder, W. Wilson, and M. Tayyeb. I found this information online that quotes from this study. The very short of the complicated long is that brain development continues until the mid-20's and that the teenage brain has various growth spurs and is not fully developed as previously believed and is therefore vulnerable to chemicals. Alcohol affects the teenager differently than it affects the adult. Teenager's motor coordination is less affected than adults, but their short term memory and learning is more negatively impacted. Decreased affect on motor coordination allows teenagers to drink more and develop higher BAC levels than adults. Research such as this should be must reads for frum parents of teenagers.

The countdown to Purim is on. Time to figure out how the most effective way to set and enforce limits during the balagan that is Purim in some communities.

*See ProfK's Pre-Purim Rant "Take Cover" where she takes a look at the women's responsibility in this whole mess and tells the wives and mothers that this is one of the battles to fight in a marriage.

Homeschooling: Will The Agudah Join this Battle?

The State of the Union Address was hardly over before the Agudah released a statement on President Bush's proposal to increased educational choice via school vouchers for children from lower income families who are stuck in failing schools. Instead of calling this proposed program a voucher program, President Bush called it "Pell Grants for Kids." The Agudah's spokesman Rabbi Avi Shafran quickly penned a letter saying in short that educational choice shouldn't be just for kids in failing schools and commenting that calling the proposed idea "Pell Grants" is misleading. I never commented on this letter because frankly I'm quite exhausted by the voucher debate within the frum community. Why not pen a letter giving full support to a voucher program for needy children in failing schools, which the wish that once a voucher program is off the ground that it be expanded to include more children, rather than showing opposition to the idea because it just isn't inclusive enough, etc?

On Friday, I heard about a battle brewing over homeschooling in California as reported by the Los Angeles Times here. After hearing about the case on the radio, I did a little research of my own.

A case came before the Second Appellate District Court, Division 3, which involved a home schooling family, a Christian umbrella school, and some allegations of abuse in which the Appellate Court ruled there is no right for parents to home school their children and that California children must be either 1) enrolled in a public school, 2) enrolled in a private school, or 3) be tutored by a credentialed teacher who is credentialed for the appropriate grade level. Incidentally, California does not require private school teachers to be credentialed, only requiring them to be "competent." Justice H. Walter Croskey signed the decision and was joined by two other judges.

According to this article, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger "denounced a state appeals court ruling that severely restricts homeschooling and promised Friday to change the law if necessary to guarantee that parents are able to educate their children at home." He stated "Every California child deserves a quality education, and parents should have the right to decide what's best for their children," "Parents should not be penalized for acting in the best interests of their children's education," and "This outrageous ruling must be overturned by the courts, and if the courts don't protect parents' rights then, as elected officials, we will."

According to the article quoted above, home schooling is an issue that has come up for debate amongst state lawmakers before:

"In 2002, then-state Superintendent of Public Instruction Delaine Eastin said homeschooling was illegal and that she would enforce the law. Eastin then
asked the Legislature to take up the issue. It declined. Six months later, [Jack] O'Connell took over as state schools chief and opted for a hands-off approach, directing homeschooling families to the forms required to create a private school and telling local districts that truancy was their issue. For five years, homeschooling remained politically dormant."

How many are affected? It is estimated that there are 166,000 known home schoolers in California. There are also a total of 18,352 students attending private schools with 5 students or less.

The Home School Legal Defense Association (HSLDA), for which the original family are not members, is planning to file an amicus brief on behalf of 13,500 member families in California arguing "that a proper interpretation of California statutes makes it clear that parents may legally teach their own children under the private-school exemption." Should that route fail, the Association plans to argue the decision "violate[s] the constitutional rights of parents to direct the education and upbringing of their children."

The HSDLA also may "seek to have this particular decision “depublished.” Depublication is a decision that can only be made by the California Supreme Court. If the Court determines that the decision should stand, regarding this family, on the facts presented, but that the general pronouncements of law for all of homeschooling should not be determined by this case, then the Court has the option of “depublishing” the Court of Appeal’s decision. This would mean that the case is not binding precedent in California and has no effect on any other family."

The HSLDA is also asking "other organizations and persons to assist with the amicus process so that a full defense of home education, religious freedom, and parental rights can be given to the California Supreme Court."

I love to see the the Agudah (the OU, or any other Orthodox umbrella organization) file their own amicus brief and/or petition for depublication. This battle also involves "educational choice," which Rabbi Shafran and the Agudah write in favor. It is a battle over whether a parent has the right to take full responsibility for the education of his/her child(ren). Of course, there is no governmental money involved in homeschooling and those who homeschool do so on their own buck. So the potential "nes" factor isn't a primary motivation to become involved.

My husband points out that frum organizations would have little interest in getting involved in this battle. While there are frum home schoolers in California (mostly among Chabad shulchim), the Orthodox umbrella institutions are there to advocate for Orthodox institutions.

I would argue that while the right to home school in California might not seem particularly relevant to the Orthodox Jewish community in the present. In fact, many Jewish Educators are extremely biased against home schooling. But, as the costs tuition spiral out of control, it could become increasingly relevant (whether or not anyone likes it) sometime in the not so far off future.

Readers, your thoughts?