Quick, Get Your Hands on $1000

There are a number of authors, columnists, and radio hosts who deal with household budgets. One common theme I've seen in numerous places, perhaps most notable in Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover is the idea of finding $1000 quickly. The idea of getting your hands on $1000 when things aren't looking too rosy is to give yourself a mental boost. That pick-me-up can make better budgeting seem manageable.

There are many ways to find $1000. One can work another job to get their hands on some extra money. One can sell stuff around the house that is collecting dust or taking up space. Or, if your budget needs more breathing room, you can look to cut costs. I think normally opt for the latter knowing that a new habit will continue to pay off with often minimal efforts.

Given that food and gas costs are going through the roof, even those with room to breathe could benefit from the exercise of finding $1000. As of today, I'm nearly $600 closer to shaving $1000 off the budget. I decided to do what budgeting experts recommend be done yearly. . . . call insurance carriers and get new quotes.

We were paying just under $1000 a year to ensure two older cars and two drivers. Knowing that friends of ours pay that every six months, I was feeling a bit smug. Now I'm a big embarrassed. I should have got this item on the to do list done a while ago. Today our new agent shaved off $200 a year, bring our auto insurance under $800 a year. One should never feel too smug and do their homework.

The other $400 was from a homeowners insurance policy that we took out while a claim was still on our record. I have learned that just because a claim is 3 years in the past doesn't mean the insurance company automatically makes the adjustment. My call to this insurance agent was prompted by the three year anniversary of our claim.

Glad I called. The effort involved was minimal and even if I don't continue to do my homework, that $600 could easily become $6000.

Humor: Let's Hope this Good Habit Sticks Around

So tonight over dinner, our 4 year old announces he is saving up for a house. I suggested that maybe he set his sights on a condo as a first stop informing him that sometimes you have to start small and trade up and I reminded him our current home wasn't the first stop. He countered that he would much rather a house because "it's better," and he is saving 'a lot' of money. I smiled and told him it is great he is getting a head start and he should keep up the hard work. Now if only everyone could learn and/or retain this lesson! Here is hoping this kid does.

Signing off for now. Expect some new posts in the upcoming week.

Our Children's Health: Parents Should Take the Lead

I just finished writing an installment on Our Children: Nosh and (Lack of) Exercise inspired by an article in last week's OU Newsletter. This week I was quite pleasantly surprised to see the topic of exercise as the topic of Rabbi Ginsberg's weekly column in the Yated. Seems everyone is in agreement that our children are too sedentary.

In my own post I argued that when it comes to fitness and exercise I was of the belief that this is an area where schools must take the lead. I will admit, I have a huge bias. I would probably be anything but physically fit if my parents were expected to set the example and be involved in many other ways besides providing transportation to events, moral support, and footing the bill. Neither of my parents are athletic, although my father did start exercising regularly when I was younger, late in the evening, to keep his cholesterol and weight under control. Fortunately I was involved in sports outside of school and my middle school, in particular, had a varied and comprehensive physical education program that was quite challenging.

Rabbi Ginsberg takes the stance that parents must lead their child to live more active lives by setting the example and helping encourage their interests. While I appreciate the sentiment and am usually the first person saying, "it's the parents job," I really think encouraging athletic activity has to, at the very least, be a partnership between school and parent, although I would say the schools really should take the lead here.

The primary reason for that might simply be because the kids are at school for an awfully long time and parents also have demanding schedules. At 5, 6, or 7PM, few parents can think about taking the kids out for an hour of physical activity when there is dinner to cook, baths to take, homework to assist with, and bedtime. A good, daily workout should be completed well before 5PM. Most parents don't even see their school age children until that time.

Other reasons include the lack of facilities and equipment, the lack of know-how (proper technique to prevent injury really should be a priority), and demands of other children. One more note after spending much of my day supervising bike riding of my own children and a neighbor's child, it is really hard to spend an afternoon *supervising* playtime. I'm probably a generation before my time since I grew up in a small area where kids were free to roam, but as soon as I could ride a bike, my parents basically said go enjoy and check in occassionally. Today, few parents can or are willing to let their kids roam and, as such, kids are basically under house arrest because it is really difficult to drop everything and just supervise. What a shame. (We didn't wear helmets riding our bikes either!)

The article is reprinted in full below. As you will see, I highlighted one sentence about children playing electronic games during recess. If electronic games are being playing in Yeshiva/Day Schools, the solution is simple: do not allow electronic distractions on campus. If kids didn't have a handheld Gameboy, cell phone, etc, perhaps they would jump rope or play soccer!

A Healthy Thought

by Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg,
dean, Torah Academny, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Every year, as Lag Ba’omer approaches, my mind rewinds to my childhood memories of those fabulous trips to the park. We would use our bow and arrows, play some team sport and enjoy a picnic lunch. I might have enjoyed it most because it was the only day of the year that we had such an activity. However, as I reflect on my youth, the only ball I ever recall playing with was a small blue ball. We used it for games we would create and play on our steps and we would play punch-ball with it. I think I was 15 or 16 when I was introduced to football and basketball. I am not sure why I wasn’t ‘into sports’ (either as a participant or a follower). Perhaps it was because I was not the athletic type. When I was growing up, the benefits of being active and fit were not heavily promoted. My parents did provide me with a membership to the Y and I recall my father z”l encouraging me to go swimming. After all, as the Gemara states, a father is obligated to teach his child how to swim.

As a principal of a school, I see the role that sports play in the lives of most of our children. While there needs to be limits and we have to make sure that sports don’t take the children away from their studies and other obligations, being active and playing sports have many advantages. Yes, there are some who overdo it and there are some children who need lots of help in dealing with the competitive aspect of sports. However, generally speaking, I would say that children are not active enough on a day-to-day basis. Now, with the onset of more pleasant weather, that can change. However, the adults in the lives of children must take a more active role in getting them to be more active.

When I was a child, if I remember correctly, we had several choices as to how we could spend our free time. We would read, play a board game, ride a bike, or play kugelach. A child who wasn’t active in sports was probably doing one of these activities. Today, a child who is not active physically might spend his time with one of many activities that can be very problematic. With the availability of thousands of computer games and numerous types of electronic games, a child who is not active in sports today is probably much too sedentary.

I encourage you to take a look at what happens in many schoolyards during recess. Many children are playing with handheld electronic games instead of being active. Fortunate are those schools that have physical education as part of their program. Otherwise, who knows what physical activity these children would get?

Many people don’t understand that there are many reasons why it is important for children to be active. It is not just so that the children should stay fit. Children need regular physical activity and exercise in order to help them build strong bones and muscles. I find it amazing that exercise seems to be the cure for so many illnesses and aliments. One of the first recommendations of any cardiologist to a heart patient is, “Walk, walk, walk.” If exercise can be such a cure, I can only imagine how much it can prevent.

I once had a student who had great difficulty sleeping at night and he couldn’t remain alert and focused during the day. His parents had tried many different programs, and they finally went back to the basics - exercise. It was amazing how after a short period of daily exercise, this child was able to sleep well at night and he became a different student during the day.

What is the best way to get your child to be active? If you know me, you already know the answer. You must be active yourself and you must set the example for your children. I must admit that I hesitated writing about this topic because I personally set a poor example for others in this area. I wish I had been encouraged to be more active as a child and I wish physical activity would be a part of who I am. Therefore, I am putting aside my own personal practices and addressing this issue in the hope that others won’t make the same mistake I have. In addition, there is a slight possibility that by speaking about the issue, I may be influenced myself to start some serious exercising.

For some reason, when it comes to exercise, we see different extremes. People either take it too seriously or not seriously enough. I recall that in the short period of time that I did have exercise as part of my routine, it was at an extreme level.

When encouraging children to exercise, I would like to suggest that we pay close attention to ensure that it doesn’t overtake the life of the child. We must teach them that it is the small steps that can make a huge difference.

Habit is the word that comes to my mind when I think about getting children to be active. While some forms of exercise are grueling, they become much easier when they are done regularly and out of habit. If you want to see how challenging it is to get into the habit of walking an extra mile for exercise, allow me to suggest that you park yourself in a crowded parking lot and watch what happens. In all likelihood, you will observe people driving around and around trying to find a parking spot that is as close as possible to where they have to go. People who don’t understand the importance of exercise end up avoiding any of the day-to-day opportunities for movement. These people take an elevator to go up or down two floors instead of walking up or down a couple of flights of stairs.

It is important for parents not to get discouraged if their child is not interested in joining some form of organized sport. There are some children who are just not competitive by nature and prefer to partake in noncompetitive activities. The real trick is to determine the specific areas of interest of the child and build around those areas of interest.

If you think about it, our children get slower and slower as they get older. When they are toddlers, we wish they would slow down somewhat, and when they get older, we wish they would be more mobile. It is our challenge to ensure that our children remain active or even increase their exercise as they get older. It is important for parents to reach an understanding of their children’s ability and interest in various activities and sports. Our job is to support their interests and help them develop the necessary interest in being as active as possible.

Why Should Anyone Invest in a Bankrupt Agency?

Hat Tip: Charlie Hall

The Yeshiva World is reporting that the Chinuch Atzmai school system (an Israeli network of private religious schools founded in 1953 that teaches almost exlusively Talmud Torah) is about to bankrupt. The report states that the school system has debts of $3 million and HaRav Eliyashiv and HaRav Aryeh Leib Shteinman are requesting the the "tzibur must come forward and meet the needs to keep the critical operation alive."

Let's not forget that this school system receives funding from the Israeli government and has always received funding from private donors and has long been a priority of many donors in the US, Canada, and Europe.

Donating to a school system that does not prepare its (male) graduates to support themselves and their families is not a priority of mine. But, I'm not here to comment on that.

I'm here to ask why in the world I, or anyone else, should throw good (tzedakah) money after bad(ly) managed money? Where is the modified business plan? Where is cheshbon of what when wrong and how it will be fixed or if it can be fixed at all? Unfortunately, there is none.

A few months ago I received a slick and busy brochure telling me that a tzedakah organizations serving the same population was facing mounting debts and and a statement by gedolim that every family is obligated to give a minimum of $180. The brochure is slick and glossy and thick, but it does little to reassure the donor that the money isn't going to be sent into some deep hole.

When a car has proven itself to be a lemon, you scrap it and start again. But, in a world with little accountability, no one knows that the car is a lemon and money will keep getting pumped into a black hole (sorry I'm so pessimistic today. . . .but I am quite concerned about fiscal erosion in Torah communities, from left to right).

So, the beat goes on.

Our Children: Nosh, (Lack of) Exercise

The OU Shabbat Shalom Newletter ran an article by Dr. Ronald Nagel (UCLA Associate Professor of Medicine and private practice) titled Pediatric Obesity: A Challenge for the Orthodox Jewish Community. I believe I have seen this article run in other publications, yet it is always worthy of another read.

Dr. Nagel takes a look at a nationwide trend of the rise of childhood onset Type II diabetes and the risk factors in the Orthodox community, namely great quantities of food available (especially pure junk) and the lack of exercise and opportunities for exercise.

The following sentence that Dr. Nagel wrote really resonated with me, "Have you ever wondered why children who bring “snacks” to shul must have a fruit roll, potato chips and candy?" I was just telling my husband that it is incredibly sad that parents seem to feel the need to send their children with food everywhere. Not only does it send the message that every perceived need/want must be satisfied immediately, but it is just plain unhealthy. I was saying this in reaction to an extracurricular activity I helped out with. It was shocking that in the middle of a one hour class (yes, 1 hour/60 minutes) there was a snack break. Not only was a mess left on the floor because of the snack break (which someone had to clean up. . .and -surprise-it wasn't the kids), but the kids were practically cancelling out the positive effects of the exercise they were getting by gulping down soda and potato chips.

Another little moment I'm reminded of was that of a few weeks ago. I took my kids to the park for an afternoon outing on a lovely day. Shortly after we arrive, a mother with a bunch of kids arrives. The kids aren't getting out there and playing, and she isn't too thrilled because it took a lot of work to get this many kids out of the house and she is snapping at them. Why? They are passing around a large bottle of Coca-Cola around. Her frustration is starting to come out when she snaps, "we didn't come here to eat, we came to play!" I try not to give unsolicited advice, but had to bite my lip to keep from saying, "perhaps you should leave the soda behind next time."

The amount of food and types of food available that many of our children eating is certainly a large part of the equation. The doctor mentions extensive spreads at smachot and kiddushim, as well as the proliferation of kosher junk food. He doesn't touch the traditional Jewish diet, nor the very popular (and expanding) fundraising technique of bringing in various fast foods for resale in nearly ever school I know of (from pre-school to high school).

Since we have been discussing budgeting again lately, I might as well state that sometimes the solution to lowering the bills (not only in the home, but in the shul and school) is right in front of our eyes. Certainly there is room to cut back on the amounts of foods served at weddings, the amounts of foods bought for mishloach manot, and the amount of snacks eaten out and about. While I know we aren't supposed to count dollars spent on Shabbat meals, I do believe the success of our grocery bills can partially be attributed to the lack of soda at our table on Shabbat. Do we and our children really need soda for all three meals and a kiddush also?

The bigger problem (touched on only in passive by Dr. Nadel) is the exercise equation. Quite simply, our children (as a whole) simply are NOT getting enough of it. The urban environments most of us live in (many unsafe to boot) is a contributor. The long school day no doubt contributes. The fact that PE is beyond secondary in priority doesn't help. The lack of facilities strips variety from the menu, leaving a rather uninspiring menu for many, if not most. Teenager in my community tell me basketball is basically the only sport they have been introduced too. I was quite the athlete in my own day. . . . but I don't believe I ever joined in a game of basketball voluntarily.

Girls really get the short end of the stick. Frummer communities, especially, place great restrictions on what is acceptable for girls, while simultaneously placing a great deal of emphasis on looks. A girl is expected to be slim, slim, slim when she reaches shidduch age. But, she doesn't get much of a chance to develop her athletic side, nor does she have much exposure to the fact that in-shape bodies come in various sizes. It is no wonder that eating disorders has hit the radar of problems in the community. But from right to left, the lack of available facilities and is a real problem.

Speaking of lack of facilities, I am reminded of a school I saw on a visit to Los Angeles a number of years ago. There was a police incident happening on the main street in front of a school, so I decided to walk through the alley. As I'm walking through, I hear balls bouncing. I look behind me to make sure I wasn't being followed, but no one was there. As I continued walking, I noticed that the elementary school boys were having their recess in the nearly underground, dimly lit, parking lot of the boys school. I don't know that there is much that can be done about lack of facilities in more urban areas. But, it is a real shame.

As Dr. Nagel points out, the blame game is useless. But, who should be taking the lead in this issue? Normally, I tend to argue that parents must take the lead when they seen an issue. However, it is really hard for a parent to take the lead, outside of creating a better diet and trying to help regulate how their children eat at kiddushim, etc. I can say that while I try to get my own kids out and active, I have become rather uninspiring myself. Perhaps someday I will get the opportunity to teach proper weightlifting techniques to my children. But, at least for the time being, I am either pregnant, nursing, or have a baby in tow. So, while I'd love to be throwing a ball, riding a bike, or creating an obstacle course, I tend to be worn out, not fully available, or just making sure that a little one doesn't get hit by a ball or sideswiped by a bike. I'm afraid the schools might have to be the more active player in this one.

Summer provides a great opportunity for kids to get more involved with sports and exercise. But, summer exercise isn't enough. You can't just flip a switch for exercise. Muscles must be stretched and warmed regularly, or promoting physical fitness is just frustrating and demoralizing (just talk to mothers that are trying to get back in shape after a baby!). What about the rest of the school year? How can we make sure our children are getting the exercise they need?

What could be in it for the schools? I believe behavior would improve tremendously, especially for boys, if they were given regular PE, increasing job satisfaction for all staff. But, my theory hasn't been tried yet.

Building a House of Cards
alternatively, Tuition isn't the budget breaker in this budget!

Reading this letter in the newest Yated just hurts me. Budgets interest me and this budget is so overinflated, although the writer does not realize it, that it hurts. A family of six (four children) is spending a massive amount of money, and while she puts tuition as a primary issue in her letter. . . . . .tuition simply is NOT the reason their budget is literally out of control. Their costs are just simply out of control. I am literally picking up my jaw off my desk after reading this letter because I have a very solid idea of what the expenses for a family this size could be, and this is just shocking.

I hope the recent economic slowdown does not end up biting this family in the bottom. Household budgets is something I take great interest in (over the years, I've helped many people form a budget) and it is clear to me that this family has built themselves a house of cards. Their fixed costs are enormous, so much so that a turn for the worse in business or employment, could take them under, but not because they have an overinflated grocery budget (that could be changed with some hard work!), but because they have an overinflated mortgage and overinflated auto costs, etc. I've written so many posts about tackling the variable costs in a budget (food, utilities, consumer goods). But, if the obligations are massive (mortgages, car payments, students loans), cutting the food budget in half can't save you.

Presuming there are numerous families that have built a house of straw (and I'm certain there are), many families, and by extension the host communities, could be in for real problems if the big bad wolf starts to blow.

Read on [my notes in orange]:

LIFE IS UNAFFORDABLE
Dear Editor,
Today, after finally getting my kids back to school and catching up at work for the time I missed over Yom Tov, I opened up the four weeks of mail sitting at home. Maybe it was the timing that set me off, but when I opened my tuition bill for next year, I flipped.

Now, don’t get me wrong. As parents, we have committed ourselves for our children’s education to be top priority. That bill will, iy”H, be paid in full by hook or by crook. The teachers and the school staff members deserve decent salaries. But for three children, my bill was well over $20,000 [high, but it could easily be double]. What is so bothersome is that in this particular school, the tuition came out to be $8,000 per child and it goes up every year, yet the children get off every year more and more. This tuition is supposed to cover 10 months of the year. When you go through the calendar, you’ll see that it actually covers less than 8 months, which brings it to over $1,000 a month per child.

This led me to go through my expenses for the year and see exactly what my necessary living costs are and what I can cut out.

Truthfully, I am not sure how people survive. We have three kids in school and one baby at home.

Tuition is $24,000 (this includes the extra book charges, dinner charges, and the building fund fee, which we are required to pay).

Camp costs $4,000 for 3 children. One child goes to sleep-away camp. [Having seen what many camps charge, I believe cost is on the low end for camps, especially since the child in sleep-away camp is being fed].

Our mortgage, together with our homeowner’s insurance, is $48,000 a year [$4,000 a month] (and we bought our home before the prices got out of hand. Our property, even in today’s slumping market, is worth double what we paid for it). [I assume this includes tax also, but I'm told property tax is not overinflated in the boroughs. So, even if the property is worth more---which in my opinion is only meaningful if you go to sell it--$48,000 is an incredible amount of be paying on a mortgage].

$30,000 is spent annually on groceries [$2,500 a month]. This includes Yom Tov and extra shopping for the baby. [You have got to be kidding me!!!!].

Utilities cost $32,000 [$2667 per month]. [Once again, you have got to be kidding me!!!! Having been involved with shul budgets, I know you can heat and air condition a fairly large building on $32,000 a year. This is ludicrous].

$17,000 is spent on health/dental insurance. (If not for dental insurance, I would be including $20,000 on procedures done last year on my husband and two daughters). [$1416 per month. I don't know what private insurance runs. It seems overinflated to me. But, perhaps it is not so]. $16,000 is spent annually on car expenses, car insurance, and gas (since we both work and need to drive a lot). [$1,333 per month. A lot of money, but perhaps this part of the budget is the first reasonable line item].

This adds up to $123,000. This means that before taxes and maaser, we need to make a minimum of $170,000. In most cases, this requires both parents to kick in financially. [I don't dare open up this discussion again :)].

Therefore, we also need someone to watch our baby and need to hire help to make sure that the housework is done. In addition, for 2 of the 10 months that our children are home from school due to days off, we have to spend extra money to entertain them [the word "entertain" makes my skin crawl, but that is a subject for another post]- through school sponsored programs or other programs - since my husband and I cannot take off (our jobs don’t give us off for 2 months a year). This costs approximately $50 a day, which comes out to $2,000 a year. Our household help costs $22,000. This brings the family income to $194,000.

For the summer, we move upstate for income purposes. We spend an additional $10,000 on a bungalow and expenses. This brings the number up to a minimum of 204,000- and at that point taxes increase and so does maaser [I start my budget not from what we have to earn, but from what we have to spend from the primary income earner's budget after saving a set amount. Just noting this because this method of laying out a budget is strange to me]...

Remember, this is a 6-member family and we try very hard to monitor our expenses [whatever you say. . . .your food and utility budget would eat through our entire take home pay]. However, often, time is more valuable and we have to spend more on food so that we can spend more time with our children; we might shop at a more expensive local store than run around to cheaper stores. In this cheshbon, I did not mention clothing and other items such as Chol Hamoed trips, Afikoman and birthday presents [thank G-d. I think I'd faint if the cheshbon included those numbers], etc., but I think you get the picture. [Nor do you mention life insurance or retirement savings which is an absolute MUST, especially for a family spending like this].

After making this calculation, I started wondering. My spouse and I both work full time. We both try to make sure that when the kids are home from school - on school days - one of us is home with them. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. We saved money when the going was extremely good. We also bought our house before the market exploded, so our mortgage is pretty reasonable for our neighborhood. But there is a whole generation that is graduating school now. They need to be able to live. Something in our society is going to have to give. We may have to create a secluded culture where we are all committed to hiring from within, but then we also need to make sure that our boys and girls are qualified to perform these jobs [I'd say a large part of the spending/budgeting issues just might be the already secluded society. Unfortunately, it is an uphill battle to educate about a different way when there is little to no exposure to it. And, yet, the spending habits I've highlighted on this blog erode the financial foundation of so many that I can't help but to try to be a small voice out there].

I know that this letter will probably have people writing in about how I could save money here and how I could save some money there. (I know I could. I could also move out of Brooklyn to Eretz Yisroel.) But the reality is that, boruch Hashem, I can afford to pay more than maaser, and I can afford to pay more than the tuition bill. As I see it, however, there are more of us who can’t afford basic expenses and these numbers increase daily. Our school system may need restructuring [darn right!], food prices have to come down [they are going up], our baalei battim may have to commit to hiring only frum people [they have bills to pay to, nu?], and other things have to be done [like a complete economic overhaul?]. But we need to start making changes and we need to start making them quickly. The economy is definitely not working in our favor. I hope to hear positive feedback.
C. K.

P.S. Check out some of the comments on ProfK's post, New York the center of the World. . . Not" written by those who left or want to leave NY and the parents/in-laws are hot under the collar about it. Yes, as the letter writer says, "we need to start making changes" and "something in our society has to give." Living in Brooklyn (or anywhere else that housing costs are out of this world) is something that will have to give.

Context Needed: A Gvirish Wedding

A reader reminded me of this part of Jonathan Rosenblum second look at Pesach hotels:

"Rabbi Yitzchak Hutner, zt”l, was once asked by a certain gvir whether he should make a simple wedding or the kind that would be generally expected from those in his socio-economic class. The man was perfectly sincere in his question, and eager to do whatever Rabbi Hutner advised. Nevertheless, Rabbi Hutner told him to make a gvirish wedding. When his talmidim wondered at this, he explained, “If he is tight with himself, he will be tight with others as well.”

It is sad that this part of the article comes without context and it really if unfair to the reader, especially the younger reader who has little to no context to work with as they were attending weddings during Rabbi Hutner's life (d. 1980).

I don't know what a "gvirish wedding" looked like during the 1940's, 50's, 60's or 70's (perhaps a more mature reader will fill me in), but I am willing to bet that the fancy gvirish wedding of yesteryear topped out around what is considered a "normal" wedding in the year 200x.

What is a normal wedding today?:
-Set in a beautiful catering hall.
-An extensive smorg with numerous meat and poultry dishes served by wait staff which is followed up by a three or four course meal only an hour later.
-An open bar.
-A band consisting of at least 4 members.
-Nice photography.
-Monograms imprinted on invitations, benchers, etc.
-Floral arrangements, including bouquets for the sisters.
-A Wedding Party (i.e. mothers, sisters, and nieces) dressed up in matching dresses, often custom made, although they might be rented from a gemach.
-Professionally done hair (or sheitel up dos), manicures, and makeup is a given.
-Chatan and Kallah exchange numerous gifts prior to the wedding and in the yichud room including expensive watches, jewelry, silver, and ritual items. Kallah also receives at least one custom sheitel, oftentimes 2-3 sheitels/falls.
-Wedding is followed by sheva berachot, some of which are held in restaurants or smaller halls. The aufruf preceeding the wedding often includes a sit down meal for family and friends, as does the sheva berachot on Shabbat.
-Engagement is followed by a vort which can vary in extravagance. But, few go without a vort or l'chaim. And, if the chatan and kallah are from different cities, one may be held in each city.

And, let's not forget that the husband's were often already working or were credits away from doing so.

Context is essential. Quoting without context is misleading and does a disservice to the reader. I won't argue whether those who are tight with themselves are tight with others. If my readers want to open up that discussion, they are welcome to do so. I'd say there is some truth in this. But, I do know that today nearly everyone expects to put on a "baalabatish wedding" whether they have to beg, borrow, or steal to make it happen.

Today most put on affairs as if we were gvirim, even if our bank accounts would tell a different story.

Taking Back the Mussar

Remember that article titled a "Five-Star Pesach" in which Jonathan Rosenblum posted the comments of an anonymous Los Angeles Rav, known for his "particularly biting style of mussar," who named Pesach hotels as the number one problem facing the Orthodox community? I attempted to write that mussar directed at "others" (in this case Pesach vacationers) was ineffective as the mussar targets other people, rather than causing the receiver to engage in self-reflection.

Now, Mr. Rosenblum has a new article up, "Pesach Hotels: At Second Look," essentially retracting the mussar that he was so taken by and felt the obligation to share. He writes: "To all who wrote to explain why the hotel experience helped their ruchnios experience of the Chag, I can only say, 'I was not talking about you.'

Now that we are back to the seder of learning Pirkei Avot, where we learn that talmidei chachamin should be especially careful that their words are understood, it strikes me just how unclear the messages that are coming from those with a pulpit often are. I understood the Rav's message to be that we are immersed in a culture of astonishingly wasteful spending, seemingly never ending materialism, and that we live in a constant pursuit of entertainment. But, Mr. Rosenblum "[presumed] the rabbi quoted meant is that the external performance of mitzvos, without any inner connection to the mitzvah itself or the One Who commanded it, is the central problem." If the adults are coming away with such different takes, only Hashem knows what state of confusion our children are living in, as they see and hear conflicting messages from us, from Rebbeim, from teachers, etc.

I respect those who are willing to take a second look at a subject. But, I think I could have done without this second look. Perhaps the saddest comment Mr. Rosenblum received in favor of going to a hotel for Pesach (quoted at the outset of the newest article) was from a friend who told him:

"Going away to a hotel allowed him to spend most of his week in the beis medrash, a luxury he would not have had at home, where he would have been the program director for his young children."

I had written about the subject of parents who seem to want to have children, but don't want their children to get in their way (see the case of a father who does not want to "waste" his money visiting his children on visiting day, or see the case of a mother who is mad the schools give a winter vacation and expects them to plan winter camps so she won't be inconvenienced by their schedule, or perhaps you can listen to those in your own backyard complaining about the week between school and camp when the kids are home, etc, etc).

I was blown away that this quote served as the opening argument in defense of Pesach Hotels. While I respect a man's desire to do some extra learning and have some uninterrupted time in the Beit Midrash (something he should be able to do without going to a hotel, but by arranging his schedule accordingly), I must again ask, what good is learning that you don't want to apply to the most sacred job of raising children by actually getting your hands dirty in the process? Why are we seemingly more makpid on the mitzvah of pru v'revu than of being mechanech our children (a job that many seem to want to reassign completely)?

If you had asked me a month or two before Pesach what I found most troublesome about the Pesach hotel advertising, I would have told you the advertising for "Baby Clubs" and full day camps. I find it a sad commentary that a "family vacation" would include separating the family with such ease. I find "Baby Clubs" particularly problematic.

There is a book, which you can probably find at your local library on the Parent Reference shelf by Drs. Brazelton and Greenspan titled The Irreducible Needs of Children. I have not read the complete text, which is series of conversations and wishful thinking between these two known doctors/researchers/professors, but I would highly recommend the section on childcare where the doctors point out the need for long term relationship between babies and their caregivers. In the chapter "The Need for Ongoing Nurturing Relationships," the doctors write, "although consistent nurturing relationships with one or a few caregivers are taken for granted by most of us as a necessity for babies and children, often we do not put this commonly held belief into practice." They write that "[babies and children] require sensitive, nurturing care to build capacities for trust, empathy, and compassion. More recent studies have shown that family patterns that undermine nurturing care may lead to significant compromise in both cognitive and emotional capacities."

I believe that we owe it to our children to be selective about when we utilize outside care for our children and that we don't shuffle too many caregivers through our children's lives. I believe that we owe it to our children to have a far more positive attitude about spending time with them. Our children need and deserve familiar care. They need the nurturing and discipline that comes with established relationships. To think that we can shuffle our children from one "club" to another "camp" to another "activity" in order to concentrate on whatever it is we need/want/desire to do, and not have such bite us (the frum community) in the bottom later is ludicrous.

Perhaps the real numero uno issue is not Pesach Vacations, but Parenting?

From Free Man to Slave

I get so tired when people whine they are strapped for cash when they don't even make an attempt to try and meet a budget. Granted, meeting a budget can be a difficult task, especially when a family is blessed by numbers. But, at least it could be approached with some level of control. Here is a jem from this week's Yated.

STRAPPED FOR CASH

Dear Editor,

Is anyone out there surviving financially? I, for one, am not. [I think it will be quite obvious to the reader why you are not surviving financially by the time they finish reading your letter. And, yes, there are people who are surviving financially]. Pesach itself set me back so seriously. In addition to the cost of making Yom Tov with the sky-high prices of Pesach food - and food in general, there were Afikoman presents to buy and Chol Hamoed trips to go on [Yes, the necessities of an Orthodox life: food, shelter, overpriced (matching) clothing, gifts, and chol hamoed trips. AND implies equivalency. Afikoman gifts and chol hamoed trips should not even land in the same sentence as food l'chvod yom tov]. This all made my already dire financial situation that much more disastrous. Take eight kids to an amusement park on Chol Hamoed and you’ll walk out having spent close to $200. For what? And if chas veshalom we don’t take our kids on a Chol Hamoed trip every single day, somehow we are lacking as parents. That’s the feeling we get. [Talk about entitlement! It is obvious to me that a family of 10 should not even try to function as if they are a family of 4-5]. So the day after the amusement park, we went to Liberty Science Center. That, too, cost a veritable fortune. On the third day of Chol Hamoed, I said that instead of going on a trip, we would go buy Afikoman presents. Frankly, the Chol Hamoed trip would probably have been a bargain compared to the prices we paid at the toy store [Please tell me this letter is joke?!? Unfortunately, I'm afraid it is not because I've seen plenty of families fall into similiar traps]. On Erev Shabbos, the last day of Chol Hamoed, we took the kids bowling. Who would imagine that you would have to pay well over $100 for a family to play two games of knocking down some bowling pins? It is unbelievable what is going on out there. The gas prices are absurd. The cost of food is absolutely ridiculous. The only thing in the grocery store that is reasonably priced is the Yated, but, last I checked, this newspaper is not edible.Is there any end in sight to this recession we are in? [Sorry, but the downturn in the economy is not to blame for reckless spending! And to think another chol ha'moed is only 6 months away where the same pattern will likely be repeated because the family has lost control of their lives].

Feeling Hopeless [I feel like punching a wall after reading this letter!]

[Calming down] I have one additional thing I feel the need to say. It is difficult to change course when you have already created unrealistic expectations for your children and when you have not exercised the "no" muscle. I have seen this professionally when I have tried to help balance budgets for people. It is easier to create more reasonable lifestyle from the start, rather than have to backtrack, especially when your children are older. If you set up reasonable expectations from the beginning, you won't feel the guilt when you don't "ante up." Young people with young children, listen up! If you don't want to end up writing one of these letters, start thinking about the standards you are accustoming your children too (and for that matter, yourself).

We all know muscles get weak and can become easily strained when they go unexercised. Budgets can also become weak and can become easily strained when limitation goes unexercised.

The terrible irony of wreckless spending in the name of Pesach is that the B'nei Horin are once again slaves to a master. Avadim hayinu l'Mastercard b'America. I think this slavery is one that 'we' will have to free ourselves from.