Desperation is Unbecoming

We have already discussed the "throw money at it" solution for the "shidduch crisis" where cities (Baltimore, Queens, Lakewood) are holding out a gold plated carrot to entice amateurs to throw their hat into the shidduch ring. Honestly, if a person really needs more money, concentrating their money making efforts on shidduchim is probably a worse idea than going to Atlantic City or Las Vegas (also terrible ideas).

Now, parents themselves are getting in on the game, offering additional money to get their children married or even on a date. Below is an expert from a Yated letter titled "You Can Make Big Money." I must say that while I respect the hurt that singles and parents of singles go through, it seems that sinking to a level of desperation is sure to backfire, either by placing the single in a bad light (your father had to pay someone to get you on a date?!?!) or by inviting those desperate to make a buck, integrity be dammed.

I had initially planned a post on fraud for today, but scrapped it in favor of a post on shidduchim. But it seems I've managed to cover both bases at the same time. One can only hope that "big money" solution doesn't lead to an even uglier developments in the "system."

It might be very helpful to also mention any financial awards that are available to those who suggest a successful match. For example, the rabbonim in Lakewood and Baltimore have offered $2,000 to whoever marries off girls of certain ages in those communities. Another group is now offering as much as $3,000 should the girl and boy be of certain ages. I know of one desperate father who offers $50 to anyone who gets his 28-year-old daughter or 31-year-old son a quality first date (a match whom they would consider marrying should the chemistry work out). That’s $50 for
each quality first date that either of his children go out on. Should a marriage result from that match, an additional $1,000 is paid to whomever the father regards as having been responsible for that match. An additional $1,000 is given for each of the first three anniversaries of that marriage if the father feels the marriage is happy and successful. Thus, if that father’s daughter marries a boy one year younger than her and the marriage is happy and successful, the person who the father feels was responsible for the match could receive up to $3,000 from the organization that provides this reward, plus up to $4,000 from the father (after three years of happy
marriage of his daughter), for a total of $7,000 in all, if I figured out
the math correctly. Making the shidduch of this father’s son could result in
the same $3,000 (if he marries an older girl), plus the same $4,000 from the
father if the marriage is happy and successful, plus $2,000 if the girl is
eligible for the Lakewood or Baltimore incentives as well.So the money can
sure add up... Oh, if anyone wants to get in touch with that father, [name
deleted], email to ashrei108@aol.com. You can send your profile and a
picture, or even just your phone number for a call back.

[Name Deleted]
Flatbush, Brooklyn

Please tell me I am not the only one who is beyond uncomfortable with putting our daughters and sons up for sale, so to speak. Let's remember that the merchandise is human. Ugh.

Shulamis School: Parents Sue to Get Real Story



Thank you to "Rivka Schwartz" for the links to this story. Please see the Jewish Press for full story. Also see Jewish Star articles I and II which are archieved at the Yehiva World News website. PLEASE read the full story before commenting because I'm only picking out a few quotes. I am actually a bit shy about bringing this story forward, only because I don't have more information, which I wish I had. Nonetheless, the story fits very much within the subject matter of this blog and so I am putting it up.

Parents of Brooklyn's oldest girls schools, the centrist Shulamith School for Girls in Brooklyn, have made an unprecedented move. Faced with rumors that the school was closing and a more recent announcement that the building was being sold for $20 million to a Mr. Joshua Guttman, who is alleged to be listed as a board member despite denials, the parents engaged the pro bono legal services of Robert Tolchin (Jaroslawicz and Jaros, LLC) and have filed two actions in the State Supreme Court in Brooklyn.

The parents are demanding to see the "appraisal of the campus (the building is under contract for sale), the school’s bylaws (claimed to be "lost" but should prove important in the case as they might potentially invalidate board actions), the contract of sale of the building, annual reports, as well as financial records of both the Brooklyn and Long Island branches."

According to the Jewish Press, "Rabbi Zwick has declined to disclose any of the above information on the grounds that it is personal and is not in the school’s tradition to show financial papers to anyone who asks for it."

Rabbi Zwick and the board state that enrollment is down significantly and the numbers are not there to is not there to continue to maintain this campus, claiming their future is on Long Island. The parents feel they have been left in the cold, that there has been fiscal mismanagement, and that the school was allowed to dwindle purposefully (students turns away, no recruiting). The board claims they will have a smaller Brooklyn site and the school will continue to be in Brooklyn indefinitely, but that it does not want to be tied to an aging building. At the same time, the board says their future in Brooklyn is very limited, possibly two years.

Although the Rabbi states that “A yeshiva survives only if there is a team effort between the administration and the parents,” the parents believe they are not being treated as team members, having never been asked for their input, and only hearing of major news by rumor and brief correspondence, nor having any access to any pertinent information. And, therefore, they are compelled to bring their case to court to be heard. The board and executive director claim "membership" only allows parents to send their children to the school, not have a vote.

Ultimately the court must decide if the sale is in the best interest of the organization and its donors and the court must ensure the money from the sale is applied appropriately.

I have no idea what the judge on this case is going to think regarding the idea that financial and other records of this non-profit organization are considered completely "private" information as the Rabbi claimed in the highlighted sentence above. I can't figure out why such secrecy is necessary. I took a look at Guidestar and viewed the last three 990's or Shulamith. The last two showed a deficit (2006 and 2005). The 2004 form showed an excess. None of the highest paid employees listed look as if they are being paid excessively. This information is available to the public. If the internal financial records support the 990, there really shouldn't be much to hide that isn't out there already.

I do hope that something positive comes out of this case. Perhaps when other schools see that parents are organizing and demanding to be treated as shareholders, maybe schools will operate with more transparency? Or, perhaps that is just wishful thinking.

So What do the Shvers Think?
Return on Investment Revisited

Last week I brought you a Letter from the Yated by two not-so-young learners who haven't seemed to learn the basics of derech eretz. Not surprisingly, this week's Yated brings us a slew of letters from father-in-laws who have something of their own to say. And they are none too happy.

But truth be told, I feel sympathy for these young married men. In a way, their parents have turned their children against them by providing too much. They are so smothered by gifts they don't have a chance to achieve by themselves and little they accomplish can be attributed to them alone. The instinct every toddler has to "do it myself" has been chipped away and at this point they are almost completely dependent on others. Monthly checks from parents and large gifts have deprived them of the esteem they desire. The "help" has gone to "hurt" and instead of seeing young men desiring to share their Torah learning, we see them biting the hand that feeds them.

Ariella agrees with my sentiments and puts these thoughts into Torah terms. She writes "parents must take on some of the blame for bringing up a generation of people who feel no shame in na'ama dekisufa [bread given without having been earned]. In Jewish thought, the rationale for creating the world is to allow people to earn their reward. If people would simply get a "free lunch," they would not enjoy it as much as one they worked for. But our society seems to have forgotten that principle altogether and believe that beating the system -- that is avoiding earning one's way by getting it all free -- is the ultimate object."

I am posting the newest letters in full below with no comments. Unfortunately, two of the letters are extremely loquacious. Nonetheless, if you read on you will see that most letter writers took an ROI standpoint. One letter writer reminded us that many in-laws are going into debt to provide this support and another letter writers states the support they give is at their own expense and at the expense of their younger children (is that just?).

One letter writer bemoans "the system" that "forces" young people to take support saying most young people hate taking the support and would rather live in poverty, and tells father-in-laws they have no right to be controlling even if they are footing the bill.

Happy reading.

IS HE GETTING HIS MONEY’S WORTH?

Dear Editor,

I was appalled by C. R.’s and M. F.’s letter bemoaning their fate when they visit their shvers. As a shver myself, all I can say to them is that supporting married children for most of us is a very expensive and often difficult undertaking. Many shvers go deep into debt to assist their married children. The very least they are entitled to is to shep nachas, seeing that their dollars are indeed producing what they are meant to produce - talmidei chachomim. If you already have 5 children ka”h, then I have to assume you’ve been learning for many years now. At this point, you should be confident in your learning, and the sugyah you are learning should be shogur befichah enough to have a meaningful discussion with your shver without preparation.

Parental support is a privilege, not a right. And your shver has the right to feel that he’s getting his money’s worth.

Sincerely,
Chaim M. Cohen
Far Rockaway, N.Y.

AN AIDEM IZ A SHTICK SHVER

Dear Editor, Dear C. R. & M. F.,

Since my eldest child is only 13, I have not yet achieved the hallowed status of “shver” to anyone. However, your letter elicited from me a very viscerally sharp reaction, and I believe that it will help you (and perhaps other Yated subscribers) to read what I have to say.

Perhaps you view it as an entitlement, but the fact is that your in-laws are investing in your and your wife’s lifestyle in general and in your learning in particular. When they send you checks, they are acquiring an equity position in your learning and your ruchniyus. (I suspect that, in your case, they may be overpaying, but that’s another matter…)

When your shver quizzes you, he is checking up on his investment. The fact that you find this to be an annoyance is quite sad and speaks volumes about your lack of hakoras hatov.

My advice to you is that, if you really resent having to share your learning with him, you should find a different vocation and amass enough wealth to be able to repay him in full - and then offer him a refund for the bad investment that he made. Someone who had a genuine appreciation of Torah would relish an opportunity to share it with another Yid, especially one who is facilitating the learning in the first place.

A. Goldman
Philadelphia, PA

THE SON-IN-LAW AND THE SHVER

Dear Editor,

There are no words to express my shock and horror (yes, horror!) at the mind-boggling display of ingratitude that C. R. and M. F. expressed regarding their fathers-in-law in the last edition of the Yated. They admit to being generously supported and assisted by their shvers, who they admit are very nice people. The only “problem” is that they ask their sons-in-law to actually talk in learning when they come to their house!

If he were a senior medical student, would he resent it if his shver asked him medical questions when he visits? To top it off, we are told of a different friend’s shver who is supporting him in Eretz Yisroel and nebach asks for a faxed shtickel Torah once a month! Can you imagine?! Here is the shver, probably spending close to $2,000 per month to support his son-in-law, without even having the pleasure of seeing him and his family very often, and all he asks for is a once-a-month shtickel Torah? I am appalled by this incredible lack of hakoras hatov!

We are also long-distance supporting our wonderful sons-in-law who are learning. The finances to manage this come right out of our own needs and the needs of our younger children at home. We think the world of our sons-in-laws, as they are truly baalei middos tovos, wonderful husbands to our daughters and fathers to our grandchildren, and serious Bnei Torah. However, my husband never hears from them. No quick call on Erev Shabbos to wish a gut Shabbos and perhaps a short vort. No call even once a month on Rosh Chodesh. In fact, no calls at all unless there is a specific reason. While we never so much as hinted our displeasure, the letter in the last Yated strengthens my feeling that today’s generation is simply lacking in the basic skill of feeling and displaying gratitude where due.

I urge all chosson teachers to include this topic in their discussions with chassanim. And I urge all sons-in-laws to think about this seriously and start giving your hard-working and generous shver as much hakoras hatov and nachas as you can, whether with a vort, a fax, a phone call, a visit, a picture of the ainiklach, etc. The time to start is now.

Name Withheld by Request

THE “SHVER FARHER” CRISIS

Dear Editor,

I am writing in response to the letter titled “Quizzed by the Shver” signed by C. R. and M. F., two friends. The letter was brought to my attention by my 12-year-old son. He was flabbergasted and speechless after reading the letter. He simply could not understand the immature nature of the comments. Had the letter been read aloud, it would have sounded like a whining six-year-old. My son also commented that the writers of this letter simply do not know how to express hakoras hatov. But enough about how my son feels. I do not disagree with him, but I feel that there is a lot more than a fundamental lack of maturity and expression of hakoras hatov.

My gut feeling is that no such writer truly exists. These “friends” are not in such a “predicament,” there is no “shver farher” crisis, and the “issue” described in the letter does not exist. The letter is a figment of someone’s imagination and published for no reason other than to “stir the pot.” Why do I feel this way? I simply cannot comprehend how someone who spends his entire day immersed in Torah can be so lacking in such a fundamental middah. It is true that the writer did not explicitly state that he learns full-time in kollel, but the implication is there.

Regarding some of the “points” made by the writer:

He is grateful for the support provided by his shver. How is it expressed? By saying thank you once a month? Is that showing hakoras hatov or is that a habitual reaction that one would express to the FedEx guy when he delivers a package? Doesn’t the shver deserve more thanks than the FedEx man?

Boruch Hashem, I have a wonderful father-in-law who loves me as if I were his own son. He takes an interest in my life. He asks me how things are at work, and how things are doing with my chavrusah and the chaburah I am a part of (not necessarily in that order).

Why does he ask?
Because he cares!

He is not looking to question the things I do at work, or whether I learn with my chavrusah every day. He cares about me, has an interest in my life, and asks about it. Oh, and I might add, when I eat at his table, he asks me if I have any divrei Torah to say, not because he is looking to see how much I know or to “shlug me up,” but because he knows his daughter is not married to an am ha’aretz and, from time to time, I actually have something worthwhile to say and it gives him nachas to know that he married his daughter to someone who can say a nice devar Torah, and he gets to witness it firsthand. All this “horrible monster-of-a-shver from Brooklyn” wants to do is connect with his son-in-law and show that he cares. Would C. R. and M. F. feel any better if their shvers asked them a question about current events? Do they realize that their fathers-in-law take an interest in them and what they do? Perhaps they are not interested in reciprocating this relationship. Perhaps they think shver is spelled A-T-M.

This shver is investing the money that Hashem bestowed upon him in a worthwhile venture - the ability for his daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren to grow up in a home steeped in Torah and for his son-in-law to engage in the learning of Torah. Is it such a crime for him to see how his investment is doing every so often by asking, “What are you learning?” Or for a quick vort? Is he not entitled to see some nachas from his investment in this world?

Let’s call a spade, a spade. How often does C. R. or M. F. travel to Brooklyn to the shver for Shabbos that it is so difficult to review a seven-line shtickel in the Mayanah Shel Torah and repeat it when they see their father-in-law? How difficult is it for C. R. or M. F. to say, “We are now up to Tes Zayin Amud Bais in the sugyah of ploni and we saw an interesting Rashba,” and then relate the chiddush?

Was there a need for C. R. and M. F. to state that their shver lives in Brooklyn? After discussing this new “Shver Farher Crisis” with all their friends, did they determine that this is limited to Brooklyn shvers? Are Bostonian shvers easier on their aidems? How about the Baltimorians?

I wonder just how many shvers out there were annoyed - justifiably so - when they read the letter? How many started wondering if the letter was written by their own aidem? How many wondered if they were viewed as nothing more than an ATM machine? How many started thinking about whether they have any real, meaningful relationship with their aidem?

There is so much more to write about this self-centered, thoughtless letter, but I am sure others will write in about it as well. At this time, I think I’d rather call up my father-in-law and tell him a nice vort.

A Proud Son-in-Law

IN-LAWS, SUPPORT, AND PASSING GO

Dear Editor,

When I read the letter last week from C. R. and M. F., I said to myself, “Oh no. With the way this letter was written, all fathers-in-law are going to come out of the woodworks, irate over the ungratefulness of these sons-in-law.”

I must say that while I feel that the underlying point of the letter - which I will get to in a moment - is a legitimate one, the letter was not written astutely and therefore opens itself up to criticism from hardworking fathers-in-law. For all I know, my very letter is sandwiched between two letters from fathers-in-law who can’t believe that their children or children-in-law don’t appreciate the money they are given.

I myself am a young father-in-law. It seems like not that long ago that I was receiving assistance from my own father-in-law. I am now helping out my oldest child and her husband who recently got married.

Over the years, due to activities that I am involved in, I have spoken to quite a number of young (and not-so-young) married men. The overwhelming majority has told me that while they do receive money from their fathers-in-law on a monthly basis, they would strongly prefer not to have to take the money. Some of these individuals told me that they would rather live in poverty than take the money because of the shibud that they now have to their father-in-law. In more than half of these cases, the fathers-in-law are wielding tremendous power over the lives of these couples. They tell them what to buy, when to buy it, and how to buy it. They tell them when to go away, what schools to send their children to, and what their occupation should be. They basically control their lives. Many of these fathers-in-law don’t even realize it. Some of them do, but rationalize it because they provide some financial assistance to their children.

Thus, there is really more to this matter than the “talking in learning” issue raised by the sons-in-law last week. That is, perhaps, the most minor part of the equation. Granted, it can be very annoying when a father-in-law pesters his son-in-law to see if he is “getting his money’s worth,” so to speak. But that is the way it goes and that is something that young men have to deal with. While the two young men last week griped about, most sons-in-law are willing to deal with it, even if they don’t like it. They realize that their father-in-law works hard and sacrifices for them, and they wish to show him the respect and gratitude he deserves.

I can attest that these are the sentiments of most sons-in-law.

None of the sentiments shared with me over the years suggest a lack of appreciation on the part of the sons-in-law. They all express sincere and unequivocal appreciation for the monetary assistance from their in-laws - whether it is $400 a month or $1000 a month, or more. And the young men I speak to are not all learning full time. Some are learning part time and some are even working full time but still receive assistance to help them until they can survive on their own.

As someone who had to deal with a very controlling father-in-law for many years, and as someone who has witnessed others going through similar situations to varying degrees, I made a silent promise not to replicate that behavior when my turn comes. And so far, I have kept the promise. I give my children money b’mesiras nefesh, but my wife and I stay out of their way. We are always there to help them and my children know that and appreciate that. But we don’t ask questions about why they do certain things. We didn’t get involved when they made their decision about where to live and what apartment to rent, and we will iy”H not get involved when they make their decision regarding where to send their children to school. And when my son-in-law comes to our home, I make light conversation with him. I don’t drill him about the Ketzos he learned the other day, or the machlokes Acharonim in the sugyah of Takfo Kohen. Some fathers-in-law will say that it is their “right” and that if their son-in-law is learning, he should have no problem with such a discussion.

But that would be missing the point.

The point is not whether your son-in-law is Talmudically up to par or whether he is earning his keep in exchange for the monthly stipend - no matter how generous - you give them. The point is to know your place.

In my eyes, giving our children support is not a green light to pass Go, collect $200, and tell our children whatever we want.

Unfortunately, the system that is in place puts a tremendous burden on parents and in-laws. It is not a fair system. It may be surprising to some, but most young couples despise the system just as much. They don’t like taking money. They wish there was another way. But for now, at least, there isn’t any alternative.

If people would realize that most young couples (there are exceptions of course) don’t like to be takers, perhaps the situation would be approached differently. The couples have to take the money to live, because of the way the system is set up and they have no other way of living without it. And just to ensure that I am not misunderstood, I would like to add that those young couples who do take the monetary support of their parents or in-laws for granted should indeed be ashamed of themselves.

Hakoras hatov is paramount.

No one owes a young couple anything.

But I believe that such young couples are the exception.

Regarding the other fine young couples, parents and in-laws should remember that the monthly check is not a permit to rule their lives.

A. D.

HE’S YOUR BOSS

Dear Editor,

I was really quite amused at the naiveté of the young man who was upset that he was asked to share some of his learning with his father-in-law who supports him. He wanted some answers. Well, here’s mine. Unless you are self-employed, everyone has a boss. A teacher is expected to hand in his lesson plans, an architect his blueprint, etc. Make no mistake; your father-in-law is your boss. He gives you a monthly check, a car and gifts. You, in turn, are expected to produce divrei Torah when you come to visit. That’s your job!

Why do you feel that you can take monthly checks, a car and presents, and not give anything in return? I’m sure that, in the course of your learning, you’ve come across the concept of hakoras hatov. Your father-in-law cannot learn full-time like you because he’s busy earning a living so he can support you and his own family. It should give you pleasure that your father-in-law is willing and able to spend time learning with you.

This generation has spawned too many young adults who feel that everything is coming to them. You are a husband with five children, yet you sound like a whining child who doesn’t want to take a test. Grow up!

J. G

I'd Rather Hear from the Kallah in 5-10 Years

Hat Tip: Larry Lennhoff

A recent kallah has written her own letter to the Yated. The impetus for her letter, I believe, is based on this jem of a piece that Larry Lennhoff posted pieces of a few weeks back where a bochur writes upset girls break up without a good reason and believes they should seek advice from someone "smarter than them to help make the right decision" and then writes "Parents don't count." (Well, excuse me!)

This week a new kallah writes to share the advice she received from her Rebbitzen. To make this post short, I have to wonder if she will agree with the advice she is so eager to share in 5-10 years when she has a number of children and is neck deep in the daily stresses of life and they have changed somewhat. At that point will she be willing to condemn an emotional connection (i.e. "feelings") going into the marriage "goyish?" Will she still believe that the ingredients to a good marriage as simple as "being comfortable with his hashkafos" [emphasis mine] and
"lik[ing] his looks?"

There is no question that our children receive a lot of mixed messages from many places and as a parent I plan to put my own message into their box even if I "don't count." Call me an apikorus," but I plan to tell my own daughters that marriage partners are not interchangeable and that being on board with his "hashkafa" and liking someone's looks alone won't make a marriage. Furthermore, these things can shift (especially "looks," and it isn't always a positive shift). While "fireworks" should never be the only determining factor in who you marry, a sense of caring for each other and trust in each other are essential components of a healthy marriage.

I'd be very concerned if in today's day and age a young kallah told me she had "no feelings" for the man she intends to marry. I wonder if this kallah's parents agree with her Rebbitzen or have an alternative view that has not been shared?

A REBBETZIN’S ADVICE

Dear Editor,

I am responding to the letter titled “Causing the Shidduch Crisis” in which the writer, Z. F., brought up an important point which I had wanted to share in the Readers Write column in the past. I am referring to what Z. F. wrote about girls saying no to a shidduch for no reason other than the fact that “I didn’t feel anything.”

I am actually one of those 10% of girls who spoke to a rebbetzin for advice while dating. She gave me good advice and I figured I’d share it with all your readers, since I wasn’t aware of this before (and, you never know, maybe this is one of the causes of the shidduch crisis). She said, “You’re not supposed to feel anything; that’s a goyishe concept. Before marriage, there should be no feelings. What you should be looking to find out on a date is: What are his hashkafos? Are you comfortable with his hashkafos? Do you like his looks? Does he annoy you? In other words, is this a person with whom you could live for the next 100 years? You are not supposed to hear bells or anything.”

She also told me that you need to daven for siyata diShmaya that it should be the right one. I listened to her advice, and now, boruch Hashem, I am engaged. I hope that this will help some of the people in the parsha of shidduchim.

A Smarter Kallah

How Low Can You Go?

Hat Tip: Vos Iz Neias

A 23 year old yeshiva bochur was arrested shortly after Shavout (you know, the holiday that follows the learning of Pirkei Avot, a work that focuses on yashrut) on the campus of Beth Medrash Govoha. The crime? A sweepstakes scam. Sadly, there are too many stories of financial crimes in the frum community. But, this is an all new low in my opinion because it involves defrauding a single individual, a 78 year old man. I will not defend those organizations and individuals who defraud the government. But, at least they aren't going after elderly individuals when they dream up their scams.

Sweepstakes scams tend to target elderly people. Basically, someone calls with good news that you are a recipient of a prize, but in order to claim it you need to send money to hold the prize. Elderly people tend to be more trusting and can get caught up in these scams more easily that younger people. They also are more vulnerable with the Internet and can be highly vulnerable to scams perpetrated through the email. This is definitely something to think about if you are planning on trying to get a great-grandmother or great-grandfather computer access so they can correspond easily with the family. Fortunately, there are classes offered in many senior centers to educate the elderly on Internet usage.

The commentors at Vos Iz Neias have also sunk to a new low commenting that perhaps this man deserved to lose $35,700 because he is obviously too stupid to manage his finances. Here is one jem, "Quite frankly I don't feel bad for that idiot who fell for the scam. I have a klal, if anyone calls me to tell me that I have won any type of lottery or sweepstakes, I will tell them, send me the cheque. thats it. If you are so gulable enough as to fall prey to a scam like this, you are a fool and deserve no sympathy." Are all the mitzvot on honesty and the myriad of halachot in Choshen Mishpat worthless to this ilk of commentor?

My grandmother almost fell for a sweepstakes scam a few years before she passed away, but somehow my mother stepped in, although it just made my grandmother livid with my mother. She was not an "idiot." She did not deserve the calls and pressure from a number of unscrupulous people who surrounded her with products and offers. Her mental capacities were diminishing and I expect at some point most of us (yes, even the financial professionals among us) will also start to see our capabilities diminish. I've seen this with both my grandmothers before their death. At a certain point we noticed they just were not managing. Things were not being filed. Check registers were not being balanced. Bills were not being paid. Overdue notices were piling up. Cash was found stuffed in magazines and books. I've noticed the same thing with elderly clients. There comes a point when they are clearly not managing and need extra help a protection. Perhaps this is a good post for a future topic.

On The House

The biggest personal financial news of this year, in my opinion, is that Ed McMahon's home is facing foreclosure. Born in 1923, he is no spring chicken. Yet it seems that he too has succumbed to the faulty personal finance habits of a younger generation. One has to ask, what in the world is any 85 year old doing with a mortgage, much less a mortgage in the millions that is nearing the value of his home? While Mr. McMahon sights a neck injury as putting him behind in his payments, what put him behind was clearly far too many obligations, combined with too little savings, and age.

It is high time that many of us return to the simple financial principals that guided our grandparents. Some of us might have to go back another generation to our great grandparents to find that simplicity. These principals are guided by common sense. There principals don't involve much more math than what can be done on a four-function calculator, although a computerized spreadsheet will excite the budget managers among us . These principals don't ask you to leverage equity and invest for a higher return. These principals don't require you to compare one plan with another. These principals simply required some focus and discipline.

Our grandparents got married, saved a sizable downpayment, bought a "starter home," and entered into a mortgage with a plan to pay it off. They dreamed of actually their home "free and clear." If they decided they wanted a larger home, they "bought up," rolling the equity from their 1st home into their 2nd home, while still maintaining a solid plan to own their home. They entered into traditional mortgages, not ARMS, variables, or interest only loans.

Their home was a place to live, not an "investment." They did not watch their home values like the stock market, nor chat about their equity, because it really didn't matter that much unless they were ready to "downsize." Things go up and down, and as long as the mortgage was headed south, they felt secure because they could weather a bump or two along the road.

If they wanted to watch their investments, the watched their bank and brokerage accounts. A unrealized gain in the stock market could easily be turned into a realized gain. An unrealized gain in their home was of little use to them unless it was time to "downsize." And they certainly didn't view their home as an ATM and a HELOC was not something tied to their checking accounts.

Now fastforward to the present where we have become more savvy and sophisticated. We have enough loan programs to fill a chinese menu, although that is changing. We theorize about whether we are getting the appropriate return on the money that is being used to pay off our principal. We buy homes banking on the "fact" that our income will increase. We try to evaluate if our money would do better if it wasn't tied up in equity. And we pat ourselves on the back for our sophistication because we are getting a "tax break" when we undertake a mortgage and when we pull equity out of our homes. We are proud that we are home owners. But we don't own much, perhaps we own the kitchen countertop, the stove, and the shower doors.

G-d willing, we will all be healthy until 120. Unfortunately, just like Mr. McMahon. Many grandparents in our community owe a lot on their homes. They have paid tuitions, paid for weddings, and paid for stuff "on the house." Some may owe more on their homes than the price they paid. Years ago, I attended a meeting for lobbying for more public funds for private and parochial schools. After the meeting, I asked some of the older men around the table how they managed to put their children through school and what good advice they could share with the younger people at the meeting. One man told me, "don't worry, you will make it." Then he proceeded to tell me about using Home Equity to pay for schooling, weddings, and what have you.

Families in their mid-60's with little to no savings and sizable mortgages are not "making it." If Hashem grants his good health, they may continue holding on. But, they can't afford a fall, nor because they are mortgaged up the hilt. They don't have a safety net.

I think it is time for many of us to drop the sophistication and return to the old-fashioned principals of minimal and shriking debt and cash on hand that created a real safety net and real, as opposed to unrealized, wealth. Taking a fall in retirement should not send anyone into foreclosure. And, yet, I know of instances in our own communities where a single fall could send not just one family into foreclosure, but could send them and their all too dependent children into foreclosure.

Return on Investment

Unfortunately it seems that an attitude of "entitlement" and "something for nothing" seems to define my generation. A while back the Yated ran some letters where non-self-supporting young wives kvetched that their parents would give generously to them but complain to their friends about the burden. Other young wives complained that the money would come with "strings attached." The message the young were trying to send the older was: it should be your pleasure as a parent/grandparent to "help," you should do it with an open hand and a big smile, and don't dare make us feel obligated as it should be "your pleasure" to "help."

This past week, two young husbands, obviously of the same ilk, wrote their own letter. Their complaint? Their father-in-laws provide generously for them and their family (7 mouths to feed, no less), but pressure them by testing them on their learning and asking them to give a dvar Torah. They just don't understand why their father-in-law wants to test them.

It is simple. They are looking for a Return-on-Investment (ROI). You are their investment, and they want to make sure you are performing well (update: and they would like to enjoy your Torah learning too).

The attitude portrayed by these friends is definitely one of entitlement and it is shameful. L'havdil, but I can't imagine a PhD students complaining that in order to continue to receive his stipend and grants, he must complete a thesis, teach sections, and make progress on his research projects. L'havdil, I can't imagine a college football player kvetching that his coaches expect him to max out regularly on squats and bench press, as well as be timed in a 40 yard dash. And, I've yet to see a college student write a letter to the editor to complain their scholarship wa cut off because they didn't meet the required minimum GPA.

To these young men I say, you should be ashamed. Say a vort with a smile and take your test. Unlike a future employer, he probably won't fire you.

Letter below.

QUIZZED BY THE SHVER
Dear Editor,

Why do I have to feel like I am being farhered every time I go to my shver’s house in Brooklyn? I understand that he gives us money each month and we appreciate that very much. But does that mean that I have to be subject to questions about what I’m learning and pressured to say vertlach on the parsha every time we visit? My in-laws are very nice people. They shower my wife, 5 children and me with gifts, they bought us a car, among other things, and graciously give us a monthly check to keep us afloat. Is that the reason that my father-in-law feels compelled to quiz me every time I come to his house?

I mentioned this issue to a friend of mine who said that he experiences the same exact thing. This friend encouraged me to write this letter to the Yated. Actually, he’s pushed me for months to write something, but I never got around to it. Perhaps there is a father-in-law out there who can explain it to us. Why do you have to bombard us with your questions on our limudim and with your vertlach on this inyan or that inyan? It is not that we aren’t interested. It is just that we somehow are made to feel that we have to constantly be ready for our next “exam” when we meet you. (This is surely not as bad as a different friend’s shver who actually makes him fax a shtickel Torah to him once a month. This friend lives in Yerushalayim, while his father-in-law lives in New York.) There are other issues about in-laws that my friend wanted me to share, but for now I think this one will suffice.

Answers, anyone?
Two Friends
C. R. & M. F.
Lakewood, N.J.

A Little Fun: Our Children, Our Guarantors

On the even of Shavuot, I just want to wish my readers a Chag Sameach. I am hoping to put together some 'Orthonomic' thoughts on Pirkei Avot to share after the chag, but in the meantime, I thought I'd share some strange moments from our kitchen today which I have mentally filed under the timely theme of our children being our guarantors to Hashem in exchange for the gift of Torah.

What we find as parents is that children really do learn by osmosis. Sometimes we get so caught up in "teaching" that a busy week (like the week before any Yom Tov) we start questioning, have we done enough? Could we have gone through the megillah one more time? Could we have taught another song from the machzor? Perhaps we could have read one more story? And we forget that our kids are just learning by being.

Today I was reminded that, yes, our kids are learning despite me! Around lunchtime, I was making the most amazing looking Moroccan fish and cheese spirals. My son says to me, "Mommy, what are you making?" I showed him my list and talked a little bit about some of the foods and what Sephardi area they came from. He turns to me and asks, "Can Ashkenazim eat these foods?" At first I dismissed him with an "of course." Then I realized he was asking a really serious question. In our home, when we discuss halacha, we always discuss the predominate (Ashkenazi) halacha/minhagim that the kids will likely see around the neighborhood, and then the (various) Sephardi minhagim. He really did want to know if Ashkenazim could/would eat these foods and my husband pointed out that he is probably concerned because Pesach always brings these issues to the forefront and that was only 7 weeks ago. I explained that the Shavout food was acceptable by the community standard and that our guests would eat the food if they liked the taste. For the main course I am serving Moroccan fish with chickpeas, borekas, cheese spirals, rice with lentils and yogurt, and a spinach salad.

Fast forward 6 hours and I find him taking rubber bands and "locking" up all the meat cabinets. As a Sephardi lady, I do not count the omer. But, the boys have been counting the omer every night and are making that connection between Pesach and Shavout in a very concrete way. Last night as my husband was setting up havdalah, I mentioned how strange that the china only gets used for only one Chag, Rosh Hashana (plus all Shabbats, but that is not Chag). On Yom Kippur we don't eat. On Sukkot my husband insists on disposables. On Pesach we use Pesach dishes, and on Shavout we use our weekday dishes, which are thankfully very beautiful. I guess our son took the idea of putting away the meat "literally" and out of nowhere, he started locking up what we weren't using. We don't serve any meat meals because it just becomes a nightmare in the kitchen. Perhaps next year I will need to correct the perception that the meat needs locked up and will serve one meat meal, despite the challenge.

I always find the conclusions that little kids draw from the information they have received fascinating. Please share your stories!

Guest Post: The State of the Union

[The following post was written by a relatively new reader. I welcome participation from readers of this blog who would like to post on an Orthonomic subject. I'm looking forward to a follow up post from qsman. Your comments will help develop the subject(s) for future posts].

Greetings all, and thank you SephardiLady for inviting this guest post. This is more of a stream of consciousness as I put thought to paper….. I am the head of a "tuition committee" in an out-of-town community, and was asked to comment on the "State of the Union." The views expressed are my personal ones and do not necessarily reflect those of the school that I affiliate with. I am not employed by the school, but am a regular layperson who was "volunteered" into this position by the board president.

We're now heading into "the season", in which we process the "tuition reduction" applications. This is not a fun job, and not only do we have to read about the various tzoros that people have, we also have to work through the various appeals that come through. I am rather appalled to read in various blogs about the alleged abusive treatment that parents suffer when dealing with the "committees." While we go to great lengths to treat each parent with dignity, it is understandable that it's a very high stress situation and parents may not always like the answer that is given. I think people feel that tuition reduction is an ENTITLEMENT as opposed to something they need to qualify for.

The biggest issue I have seen with the applications we get is that people are into debt way over their heads. Some people just don't earn enough, whether because of lack of mazel, in an area that does not pay well, or r"l sickness. Others earn in the 6 digits but have large families of 10 or more.

But perhaps the biggest problem is that people do not seem to know how to budget. Their line-item balance sheet is a mess, and quite honestly some of them can't figure out how they got there in the first place. Credit card debt of $100K + is not uncommon. Many people blame tuition, but when I see you in the local supermarket hauling things off shelves that would be much cheaper elsewhere, why complain? Yes, you don't have the time, but neither do I. Why did you buy that 2008 Honda Odyssey when the local used car dealer sells 2005 Siennas for less? Very few people have written down that they have approached their accountant or a debt help agency to help them figure a way out of the mess. I'm not going to get into the bounced check epidemics right now either.

Those who own and operate their own businesses are *sometimes* just as clueless – you're supporting a family of 17 on $15K/year???? (exaggerated, but you get the idea).

Another item that creeps in is the need to support kids in kollel. Why that has precedence over educating your own kids is beyond me. They should get $1000/month and you want to pay us $250/mo? 'nuff said

The "next generation" will be interesting. Many of these younger couples purchased homes at the height of the real-estate frenzy several years ago, and received down payments and other assistance from their families (as opposed to the good old-fashioned saving for a few years). This still leaves them with a rather large payment of $2000-$3200, plus whatever new cars were bought, etc. Let's see what happens as this generation begins sending their kids to school, and the parent's support has dried up due to the economy. Over the past year we've had to deal with several parents in danger of foreclosure as they simply could not keep up.

I think all families are struggling with daily living, but some cope better than others. I use Quicken, and there are several FREE websites such as http://www.mint.com/ and http://www.wesabe.com/ that do a very nice job of helping people track their expenses. Don't write a check by just calling the bank and checking your balance!!!!!

Oh, and take a vacation!!! Martyring yourself by saying you have not taken a vacation in 5 years IMHO is unwarranted. While flying everyone to Orlando for a week at Disney may not be judged to favorably, there is nothing wrong with going to a local vacation spot for a couple of days, either with the family or more important, if you can manage it WITHOUT the kids so that you have a chance to have an entire uninterrupted conversation or 2 with your spouse. it would help with the shalom bayis issues that no doubt lie underneath the stressful financial situations that many people find themselves in.

The above sounds like all gloom and doom, but on the very positive side we have many parents who are in control of their finances. We've even had a few contact us during the year when they experienced a nice increase in salary and wanted to have their tuition adjusted. We've also get 100% full tuition from others, including some who feel that's it's their obligation to do so even though they would qualify for a reduction. It's people like these that I feel we should strive to emulate.

Comments are invited, and would probably form the basis for any followup posting.