Variety Post: Links and Comments on a Whole Bunch of Stuff

Poverty in Eretz Yisrael

(Hat Tip: Esther) Jonathan Rosenblum has just published a column "Can We Talk Seriously About Poverty?"

He details many of the side-effects of crushing poverty:

• Increased defection rates, inability to provide children with services they need to thrive in the Chareidi community, potential association of Torah with deprivation and strife amongst youth.
• Inviting the yetzer hara into financial dealings. This year alone here in America we have had enough arrests here to fill a book. From Spinka earlier in the year to Wextrust just this month, the DOJ, IRS, and SEC have enough work to keep their lawyers busy for a long time to come. Get rich scams are prevelant in the Orthodox community. I detailed my disappointment when the Yated an a free advertisement for one such scheme. Vosizneias recently ran a warning about the Goji scam which has apparantely become quite popular in certain enclaves. Gambling is also a growing problem. And a lot of what passes for "investment" looks more like gambling. Yashrut is seriously lacking, but that really shouldn't come as a surprise because where desperation is the rule, you can be sure that the yetzer hara will win. Chazal told us this long ago in Pirkei Avot.
• Loss of self-respect when one depends on others.
• Putting money first in shidduchim is causing marital problems.
• Serious health issues.

What Mr. Rosenblum does not do is offer any answers. He knows the solutions of the past (greater government support, contributions from Jews abroad, and adopting a simpler lifestyle) have failed and will only continue to fail. And, while he claims not to have any solutions writing, "What the solutions might be I do not know. But it is clear that we cannot afford to hide our heads in the sand and not address the issue," I believe that the real issue is that he, nor any respected member of the Chareidi community, is actually allowed to "Talk Seriously About Poverty." Planting questions is as much "talking" as is allowed, if that.

Talking about poverty will expose an education system that is leaving its constituents unable to thrive in a 21st century job market. (You can't even talk about jobs until you talk about job preparations). Talking about poverty will challenge the community leaders and Gedolim, which challenges the heart of the community. Talking about poverty will bring up questions of prudence in regards to young marriage and extremely large families, defining factors of this community.

Talking about poverty simply isn't something the community is ready to do. In America, we have a similar issue when it comes to Yeshiva Tuition. We all know the problem is huge. But real talking isn't taking place yet. Hopefully it will take place before economic reality really takes over.

Update: The Wolf has also made some comments and Rabbi Horowitz posted the article. A commentor at Cross-Currents believes the problem will solve itself when unemployed/underemployed Chareidim do what immigrant groups always do: work menial jobs, start small businesses, and educate their children. I think we would all like to believe that. But, I would say there has bee a serious change of work ethic and business has also changed. Perhaps in a few years we will all be hiring Chareidi cleaning help?

Reputations, Shidduchim, and Criminals

As Jonathan Rosenblum related in his article, con-men run free in the Orthodox community because of financial desperation. Another type of man that runs free are molesters and rapists. The desperation here is none other than shidduchim. And this desperation turns tzedek, yashrut, and rachamim on its head. In Boro Park, police have DNA evidence that links the abduction and sexual assault of a 4 year old to that of a 14 year old.

Scared that their daughters will lack shidduchim in the future (no thanks to community members who lack the ability to keep their lips zipped), the police can't get much cooperation from the families. And, so another sexual criminal runs free to rape more young Jewish girls.

Chinuch and Crime Control

Rabbi Horowitz posted an article on chinuch written by a Rabbi Brezak. The story behind the article is that boys were caught on camera vandalizing the girls school and causing serious financial loss. After the boys were told that the principal might turn over the video, the criminal activity stopped.

The author then writes, "At first glance, the way this incident was handled appears to be chinuch at its best. The boys were made aware that their unscrupulous deeds would bring them dire consequences, thus discouraging them from similar antics in the future.
However, after careful examination, we realize that this is not chinuch; it is crime control."

Perhaps I am missing something (I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time), but it seems that whatever chinuch these boys should have received vis a vis not damaging other people's stuff was lost upon them and that "crime control" (and under the category of crime control I would include RESTITUTION) is "chinuch at its best" this point. These boys need to understand that their actions have consequences and, while it would have been nice if they understood this before going out and damaging property, they don't and now they need consequences.

More on property damage later. This subject is one that desperately needs addressed and I might as well take the bait later.

Kids Need a Multi-Thousand Dollar Experience to Learn these Skills?

The Aish.com Mom Blog author, Emuna Braverman, hails the glory of camp writing:

"At camp, kids learn some basic cleanup skills (can I brag about my daughter's bunks 10+ neatness grade?), some laundry skills and most of all, some interpersonal and conflict resolution skills. They are thrown together with the other girls 24/7 and they have to work their issues out (even when someone dares to touch their things or sit on their bed!). They learn to negotiate the complicated weaving of new friendships and old ones. They learn about kindness and about sharing (woe to the camper who hoards a care package!). They learn about team spirit and how to really create unity through everyone's involvement."

Camp has been sold to the Orthodox community as a complete necessity, rather than a luxury. And, as such, I've seen many articles, letters to the editors, etc, glorifying the learning experience of camp. This is not the first time I've heard about basic cleanup and laundry skills as a big plus. Am I the only one who find it ridiculous to think kids *need* a multi-thousand dollar experience to learn to take some basic responsibility? If so, our kids have been catered to far too much. The skills named certainly can be learned without spending somewhere between $2000 to $6000 a month, especially when the parents are hurting to provide this experience.

Can the School Charge Anything Less?

I noticed this thread on Imamother and it ties right into our last discussion about budgets and where school tuition will fit (answer: it won't barring any major changes in income)? It also ties into a thread from the past on minimum tuition that remains as one of the most commented on posts to date.

The mother asks Is this Normal?:

We just received notice that the tuition committee feels we can pay $20,500 for our four children. That's just over half of our take-home pay of $40,500! Nobody, not the most frugal person on the planet, can feed, clothe, and house a family of 6 KA"H for $20,000 a year (after tuition and taxes) without government assistance, which we don't qualify for. Is everybody being charged a similar amount, or is my family "special" somehow? I just want to know if this is normal?

As terrible as I feel for this family, and I just feel terrible for them because I know there are tough choices ahead for them as well as for most of us, I just don't see how the school(s) can charge much less than than they are currently offering: $5125 per student.

Tuition varies from community to community, but I do believe that "average" tuitions exceed $10,000 for kindergarten, $12,000 for elementary school, and $15,000 for high school, and unless one lives in NY, where tuitions can be a bit lower. Some parents are paying over $20,000 in tuition for high school alone.

Tuition that is just over $5,000 is already a 50% to 75% discount!!! How much lower can be offered?

The mother is correct that her budget simply can't handle a $20,500 tuition bill. She can go back to the school and try to re-negotiate, but the sad fact remains that their entire take home pay probably won't cover full tuition and that tuition is just becoming further and further out of reach for the average family. I've watched increases of between 5% and 7% every single year and I see no signs that this will change.

Yes, the family probably can do some things to improve their take home pay, but that isn't going to solve their immediate situation, nor will the pay increases be so dramatic to change their situation in the near future. Yes, the family can probably try to squeeze a few more dollars out of their food or clothing budget, but chances are that if they are only bringing home $40,500, they aren't living too high off the hog, even if they have not been as frugal as possible.

I will let my readers in on a little secret. This family may have a lower income, but they may well have as much ability to pay this type of tuition as families I've seen making incomes in the six figures, but are strapped with loads of student debt, and for which we all assume they can pay. In other words, low income or high income, there isn't a ton of extra cash floating around bank accounts and that spells TROUBLE.

Orthodox Union Workshop: Credit Meltdown & Practical Solutions

Hat Tip: Mom in Israel

I've placed this workshop on my calendar. Hope you will join me and we can follow up with a discussion to the topics that will be discussed which include:

• The 10 warning signs to too much debt • Solutions to debt problems • Implementing and sticking with a realistic home budget • Credit card debt, accounts in collection, lawsuits and judgments- Practical answers and reality check • credit restoration; student loans • Bankruptcy and its meaning • Implementing and sticking with a realistic budget

I can only wonder what approaches will be taken. I guess I will have to just be patient.

I'm Bored

The Aish mom blog has caught my eye. The current article begins with these statements: "It strikes terror into the heart of every mother, paralyzes the best of teachers, antagonizes even good-natured babysitters. It's a short expression that packs a lot of punch. No one wants to hear their children say those dreaded words, "I'm bored."

The author is correct that many parents fear boredom. People I have met and articles I have read include possible boredom as one of the reasons camp is a must. Perhaps my opinion is not a popular one, but I welcome "boredom" in moderation. Capitalized upon, boredom can be translated into productivity.

The author writes, "It's particularly frustrating after all the money we've lavished on summer camp, the latest computer games, the newest toys...." A commentor hits the nail on the head when he writes "Could this be why more mundane activities are boring? They've been desensitized with so much of the latest gadgets and technology that traditional activities just do not suffice."

The author asks, "Do [our kids] see us flit from project to project, unable to sit down and really see something through to the end, excited by the vision and not the nitty gritty work?" and recommends that we take a more active interest in the world around us writing, "If our children see us enthralled with everyday vistas and experiences, they will learn to do the same."

This is fine no doubt. But, to tell you the trust, I can't ever remember seeing my own parents regularly and actively enthralled, nor were they always excited by the vision because the "nitty gritty work" is, well, work. And yet, I can't remember spending a summer bored, although by the end of break I was certainly ready to go back to school. As I recall, there was always something to do. I have no doubt that my mother welcomed boredom too. The result of my own "boredom" often ended up in learning something new, reading, exercising, bike riding, or just cleaning the house. And if I didn't find something, my mother suggested something. (In no way do I endorse letting children randomly roam the streets, although it is a shame that seeing kids bike ride around a neighborhood is a rarity today).

The real problem, in my very amateur parent opinion, is not so much that the adults don't demonstrate enough enthusiasm, although a little more probably couldn't hurt, but that we have engaged in over scheduling both our children and ourselves and that our children simply don't know what to do with "downtime." They are so used to being "entertained" and stimulated by the excitement of something, they have lost some ability to just choose some work and see it through. I have to say that if I see a topic in the Yated one more time about what to do to "entertain" kids, I will scream. I'm afraid all of the entertaining has worked against parents.

In the week between school and camp, conversations amongst mothers focus on how hard it is to have the kids home, how they are "bored" and how they are "driving me crazy." Perhaps I live in an alternative universe, but we haven't experienced any of the above. My kids have been occupying themselves quite nicely. The oldest seems to have found a new interest. And the kids have been so engrossed with reading each other books every morning this week, that I've been free to tackle some projects. I might be the only parent out there who actually is experiencing a small tinge of sadness that school starts next week.

Recommended book I read this summer: Hyperparenting: Are You Hurting Your Child By Trying Too Hard? which was later reprinted as The Overscheduled Child. These books are far too detailed to review in one sentence, but one recommendation was to let the child live amongst the parents in his life, rather than separating the child out into his/her own activities. The authors recommend abandoning the notion that parents' lives revolve solely around their children and revisits the concept of children being a part of the daily discourse of a family, where they learn a great deal more about living by having the opportunity to observe adults in an adult world. Today it seems that many children are removed from the day to day life of their parents. I imagine much of the difficulty the week between camp and school or school and camp is that parents and children don't have a regular non-Shabbat rhythm when they are together. And being together outside of Shabbat and Yom Tov is a rarity as boys have school on Sundays and then there are the Sunday extracurriculars.

Just some thoughts. As always, I await your comments.

The Answers to the Quiz

My commentors have all done a great job with the first set of quiz questions. I'm working to come up with some new questions which will be on a different note. It would be fun to make this a regular feature. I really loved seeing each and every comment.

1. This was a trick question of sorts, as we don't often think of paying off debt as an investment. But paying off debt will give you a large, non-taxable return. Paying off credit cards is basic common sense. I believe in paying down a mortgage earlier. However, I would fund an emergency fund of 3-6 months of necessary expenses first and a retirement account, at a minimum, prior to considering paying down a mortgage early.

2. Question 2 was for the accountants amongst us. In the second question I assumed that everything was equal (which we know it rarely is, but we can pretend for a moment) and that either the husband (current salary $75,000) or the wife (current salary $105,000) could take the job with no current or future affects. If the couple simply wants the most money in the present, the wife should take the job because she will not owe social security taxes on the $10,000 additional wages. I've noticed that many people forget about two types of taxes when making a budget:
A. Employment taxes (social security) and B. State/local taxes. Sometimes a reminder is good, especially at the end of the year when an employee's paycheck might increase. In the electronic world of finance, a person might think they got a small raise when in reality they really have just paid up the social security taxes. Check the paystub before banking on a raise.

3. The more I look at the budget presented, the more problems I see. However, the main problem I was driving at was that the income sources were not delineated as "primary" and "secondary," nor did the budget delineate what costs were associated with which sources of income. (Just a note: more than income can go into the decision of which income is primary and which is secondary, although income is often the most major factor).

Some of my readers took the question as a leading one, believing that I would reach the conclusion the wife should stay home. For all I know, the husband's income is the lower income and that he should be the more flexible one and explore his options. The options could range from shifting his work schedule to cut down on day care hours, to trying to telecommute if that is a possibility, to working a night shift if applicable, to leaving his work if that makes financial sense and he is in a field where you can return easily.

Please stay with me. Here is my theory on budgets on the brink (of course, not every possibility can be covered in one post):

When your ship is sinking, which I will loosely define as being in the red because expenses exceed take home income (i.e. they are depleting savings in your youth, or turning to debt financing), you must plug up the hole in the boat and plug it up fast. Usually plugging up a hole comes with a variety of solutions some long term (cost cutting) and some temporary (working different shifts, cutting/adding work hours). There is a time to think long term and a time to think short term. When things are going south budget wise, you just need to get above water quick.

Anyone remember this upside down budget in the Yated: a kollel wife of 12 years and 6 children who does not want her husband to go out to work. Part of her fear is that they will loose all of their government benefits. I remember when I read this, I said to myself, the current solution to their issue might be for the husband to leave kollel and become a homemaker for the time being. They will keep their government benefits and eliminate their daycare expenses. At $20K in debt and approximately $20K in income, they are in deep trouble . What happens to this kollel family if/when the schools are no longer able to accommodate their children despite lack of payment? What happens when the grocery says he can't extend them more credit? I know it isn't socially acceptable to make a change like this, but the ship is sinking and my own opinion is that you jump for safety.

Some other budget issues (thanks commentors!) for the Imamother poster's budget:

A. It isn't all inclusive. She doesn't mention clothing expenses for one. This sticks out in my book. I try to spend as little as possible on consumer items, but we socks, shoes, and underwear seem to wear out in my world.
B. She doesn't indicate how many car payments remain. Perhaps the car is almost paid for, in which case the family might be pulling their heads above water soon.
C. Some expenses seem too high: cell phones of $125 a month (although an employer might require a cell phone and he/she might need a lot of minutes), cleaning help, food + baby necessities. Food alone of $600 seems quite reasonable for a dual income family, but when you add in $250 for baby expenses it seems a bit inflated.
D. As 'ramseyfan' pointed out, they are missing life insurance and retirement savings are low (perhaps they are even passing up company match?).

Take note, beginner budgeters: include every single expense in your budget down to the last penny. My guess is that the small shortfall the mother admits to is actually larger.

Sadly, this budget which is *not* overinflated across the board, underscores a very real problem, i.e. (full) tuition is out of range for many young families that are soon to enter schools and are still growing their families. Just makes you want to cry.

Tuition Take II: The Sequel

Note: I will be presenting answers and ideas for the questions in the previous post tomorrow. Additionally I am working on a new set of questions for next week.

Now I present a letter my friend 'Charnie' send me which is about life after the Yeshiva tuition is paid. Read on:


My husband and I both are in civil service, which means that B"H, our jobs are fairly stable and we do have health insurance as well as other benefits. It also means that our incomes are pretty static as well, there are no bonus', merit increases, and other things that people in the private sector get. Perhaps every few years we'll see a 2-5% increase (which is nearly invisible after taxes), but although both of our unions are currently in contract negotiations, we're not anticipating much because of the downturn in the economy. In fact, it's more than likely that we'll have higher deductibles, increased HMO costs, fewer vacation days, longer hours, or something else. Working in civil service also works against us in other ways, especially in the tuition office of a college. We thought dealing with yeshivas was difficult, but at least they understand that we're paying tuition and that our incomes weren't going to change drastically (or as I once told an administrator, "we work for the government, so unfortunately, I can't come to you and say we had a good year in our business so here's an additional donation, it is what it is", and they have, to a degree, worked with us. They understood that many other parents are self-employed, and find ways not to report a lot of their income, so if they're asked to provide a W-2 or their tax return, it would appear that they make much less then they actually do. But if you work for the government, it's all there in black and white. And that means when you submit a FAFSA, it's also there in black and white.

Which is where we're at right now. One of our children is very artistically talented, and is heading to one of the top art colleges in the USA. A private college, with an enormous tuition. And when they reviewed our FAFSA, basically the response was "ha ha, you make too much. Yeshivas? That was your choice, we don't care. Your child wasn't at the top of the HS class, so you don't qualify for merit based aid either. Oh yes, and did we tell you that the government changed the amount a family can earn to qualify for work study?" Recently I spoke with a young lady who is an alumni of this school, and is B"H. doing very well in her career. When I asked one of her parents how they managed to pay, it occurred to me that the mother filed her FAFSA as a single parent since she is divorced from the daughter's father, and her second husband did not adopt her children. Which is to say that the government punishes me for being married in more ways then just alternative minimum income taxes.

So here we are, orientation is on August 25th and I still haven't a clue how we're going to pay the tuition without my child taking out loans they could never hope to see the end of, especially if they make aliyah (which is what they're hoping to do). Yeshivas can work out things however they feel like it, for better or for worse, they don't have regulations. But colleges are strictly bound by federal regulations. And according to those guidelines, we're rich, even though our combined income is under 200K.

Has anyone had experience in this realm? Yeshiva was always our first priority, and all our resources went towards that. College savings? How many yeshiva parents have that luxury? Yet, many kids do go to expensive colleges, such as all branches of YU, NYU, Brandeis, etc. How is someone whose kid was "average" academically and makes too much money in our notion, supposed to provide a higher education so that their children will have the ability to provide for themselves!

By the way, before everyone jumps on me about the private college issue, my Rav agrees that if a child has a specific gift, they should pursue it, as my child aspires to.

A Few Quiz Questions:
Old Fashioned Finance

I thought I'd have a little fun and put up a little quiz. I'd give this quiz if I was running a personal finance and budgeting course. But, I tried to pitch the idea to a girls school and a small seminar didn't seem to be of interest for them.

1. Name an investment that is guaranteed to return a non-taxable 5 3/4 -6 3/4 % with zero risk? What about an investment that is guaranteed to return a non-taxable 10-20% guaranteed with no risk?

2. A husband and a wife are both offered additional projects at work that will entail the same amount of additional hours by their respective employers. The husband already makes $75,000 in salary. The wife already makes $105,000 in salary. Only one spouse can on the extra hours because they want someone home when the kids are home. The additional work will pay $15,000 in additional salary per year. The family needs the money to cover their expenses. Who should take the job?

3. Below is a household budget I saw outlined at imamother from a mother. The family is dual income, 2 children, and they are hanging on by a shoestring. What detail is missing from this budget (and/or elsewhere) that would be needed should they want to tackle their budget issue:

Our earned approximate of $115K is $9583.33/month (because of self-employment, that can of course fluctuate plus or minus). After taxes, insurance, and 2% into 401(k), our take home is roughly $6100/month.

We do not live in NY and do not live extravagantly. We do own and run 2 cars, but living in a city with very little/effectively no public transportation, it's a necessity. Expenses break out as:

1400 - housing - mortgage, insurance, taxes
450 - utilities - power, water, home phone
1100 - car - payments for 1 car, gas, tolls, insurance, routine maintenance, aaa
600 - groceries (with very little entertaining on shabbos)
1500 - day care for 2 children
250 - baby necessities - formula, food, diapers, etc.
300 - student loan repayment
200 - unexpected repairs for house or cars (obviously an average, but $2400/yr may even be low)
125 - two cell phone subscriptions
140 - cleaning lady once every other week
100 - average medical expenses - includes maintenance meds, co-pays, otc meds, etc.

For a grand total of expenses at $6165/month. This says nothing of things that naturally come up in the scheme of life and are sometimes unavoidable - gift giving, unexpected medical expenses, etc. We have not had a vacation in over 3 years because we cannot afford it - not even a long weekend. We haven't eaten out in almost 2 years unless family is taking us out though the food figure does include for a bit of shabbos take out for weeks when I just can't get it together - maybe once every two months.

The Reason We Are In a Pickle Concluded

I picked out a few select quotes from Rebbitzen Jungreis's columns on visiting day/camp to explain in just a few words why we are in a (financial) pickle as a community, as well as to why entitlement is alive and well.

Reason 1: We are in a pickle is that "we do not want our children to feel deprived or different from their friends" which causes us to undertake obligations that are enormous for our station in life and which erode our financial foundation to say nothing about issues with shalom bayit.

Reason 2: We are in a pickle because we aren't willing to put a stop to things. Grandparents are funding their own children's spending (begrudgingly, perhaps, but the money is still green) and there is little recollection of how to do without or what alternatives could serve as a replacement.

Reason 3: This week's column concludes why we may never get out of the pickle. The message of the column is loud and clear. We all must do the same thing as deviation in unhealthy for children. "One size fits all" rarely fits anyone. I think that visiting day should be built into a budget, but there is no question that for many parents sleepaway camp really doesn't fit in the budget, and that contributes to complaining about the $100-$200 cost of visiting, even though the real issue is the cost of camp, not visiting day. What can I say, it was a disappointment to see the Rebbitzen's conclusions, but I still wanted to finish up my review of the series:

What then is the solution [to the costs of visiting day and camp]?

As I said, this is not one of those black and white situations. Nevertheless, the problem should be addressed, and the camp directors and parents should act in unison. They should consult with those who have expertise in chinuch (education) and benefit from their experience and wisdom. Certainly, nothing should be done without Da'as Torah. Whatever their decision, it should apply to all parents. Obviously, it would be detrimental for some children to have visitors while others have none. Children would feel forsaken and embarrassed if the parents of their fellow campers visited and they were alone.

Here again, we can take our cue from our Torah: When Moshe Rabbeinu charged the Tribes to go forth and do battle against the Midianites, he refrained from ordering the princes to lead, as was customary, for the Tribe of Simon had lost its prince and Moses did not want them to be put to shame.

Time and again, the Torah admonishes us to be on guard not to embarrass or hurt others. Surely, we would not want some children to feel abandoned while others had
visitors. So whatever the decision, it should be adhered to by everyone. May we all be zocheh to see much Yiddishe nachas from our kinderlach.

I Knew He Would Finally Ask

Yes, I've waited for my son to initiate this conversation for a long while. Not the one about where babies come from, mind you; the conversation about why we don't have a cleaning lady. Believe me, if you have told me growing up that I would be discussing cleaning ladies with my own children, I would never have believed you. I was unaware that people outside of some very, very wealthy neighborhoods hired maids to clean their homes. I thought maids were primarily for hotels. Now, I know better.

If there is one thing that we don't have a replacement or equivalent to, that my children are regularly exposed to, it is cleaning help. It seems everytime we are on a playdate, the cleaning lady is there. I was around 20 when I heard of a cleaning lady. My first knew this word by 2 years old.

Son: (Statement) Mommy, every house on our block has a cleaning lady.

Me: (Acknowledged this fact with a nod) Ah ha.

Son: (Statement) Mommy, we should get a cleaning lady.

Me: (Question) What would a cleaning lady do for us?

Son: We wouldn't have to clean.

Me: (Question) Really? But what would happen if someone made a spill like this morning. . . and the cleaning lady was gone?

Son: I guess we would have to clean it up then.

Me: (Redirecting) I think we handle cleaning just fine the way things are. We do it little by little.

Son: Yes.

Me: Cleaning help costs a lot of money. Do you think this would be a good way or a bad way for us to spend our money? I think we handle the cleaning just fine.

Son: No. It would be a bad way.

Me: Why?

Son: We can save our money for other things.

Me: (Breathing a sigh of relief that this went well).

I'm not here to make a judgment call about cleaning help. If I was working full time, I'd probably consider it. But, I'm primarily a homemaker in addition to some small clients and I seem to handle the rigors of cleaning without too much stress. I didn't grow up knowing anyone with cleaning help, save a few older ladies who had a nurse to help them. Cleaning was just an activity my sister and I did with my mother, so I'm used to it.

We all have to make choices in life about where to spend our money. Seems my children understand and accept that, based on this most recent conversations. Adding cleaning help to our budget would definitely hurt far more than I can see it helping. I'd rather save for retirement now and hire the help at that point. The messes sometimes do go untouched for too long. But, for the most part I can keep up (save some piles of paperwork and filing that I can't allow anyone to touch anyways).

I don't find cleaning takes nearly as much effort as others find it to be. Perhaps only I think my house is relatively clean? But, in really my house is pretty clean, although it is no museum. Regular and consistent little effort keep everything under control. I always like to know how others keep things under control. Here are a few of my own:

1) I always try to clean up spills immediately, or more acurately I hand the child who made the spill a towel and then touch up the job they do.
2) I sweep up after every meal/snack.
3) I involve the children in cleaning while I am working on a bigger cleaning task. My children have become actually learned to clean windows and walls in a somewhat acceptable manner. Unforuntately, they often get too excited by process and go overboard with the water, which necessitates handing them a towel. (See #1). While they are occupied, I'm usually able to tackle a bigger task quickly.
4) We bought a very large capacity washing machine. We bought it for the utility savings, but the side benefits is that the time it takes to do laundry has been slashed. I can wash twice as much and when it comes to putting it away, sometimes more is less.
5) I hang clothing up, rather than stack in drawers. I find it easier to inventory things and less stuff gets dumped on the floor.
6) I've trained my husband to help out more than he was expected to growing up.
7) I tackle large tasks in small increments. For example, when the kids bathroom needs cleaned, I will work on just one thing, like cleaning the counter top and later return to do something else. It seems to make the job much smoother and oftentimes I will end up tackling the whole task, but it is less intimidating.
8) I try really hard to keep the clutter that I'd like to get rid of in one single area (although I'm currently failing in this regard). I find clutter is more depressing than mess. Takes more effort to tackle and cleaning help can't deal with it.

I'd love to hear your tips and comments.

An Orthonomic Childrearing Question

A reader wrote me offline with an economic childrearing question. The dilemma is as follows:

A woman who lives nearby is a stay-at-home mother of a 5-year-old and 9 month-old. She does not drive and does not have a lot to do. She has a cleaning lady twice a week and food delivered and suppers and lunches from takeout and local restaurants. So she actually seeks out my 10 year-old daughter for company and for assistance on occasion with entertaining her children or watching them when she wants to shower or to be there when she gives them a bath.

She rewards the time and attention very generously with expensive gifts -- the latest was a $54 gift card. A month or two ago it was an engraved gift. She also likes to take this daughter and my younger one along on expeditions to the city where she splurges on things I would never do like the thrill ride at the Empire State Building (a fortune for an experience that lasts just a few minutes) plus lunches out.

This family's spending habits are drastically different from ours. We never lunch out; we pack sandwiches. The closest we come to dinner out is taking home a pizza. Eating out in a restaurant only occurs when are on a trip and can't work it out to pack food for dinner. The reason the neighbor can afford to be so generous is not her husband's high salary (he is a civil servant), but because the husband's parents paid for their house, their furniture and any Yom Tov hotel stays and vacations they take.

I understand this woman is spending the money for her own pleasure, and my daughter is very happy to get $10 an hour for babysitting, and my children know that our approach to spending is very different. But I still am not comfortable with my daughters being a party to such spending. I also don't want to hurt this mother. She must really be lonely if she needs to draw on children for company despite having her own family nearby.

I will put the question out to the audience. Would you be comfortable with such an arrangement? Why or why not?

Challenges to Family Life: The School Schedules

Thank you my guest poster Nachshon Zohari who brought this letter to the editor that appeared in Mishpacha magazine (Issue 219, 27 Tammuz, 5768) to my attention. He points out that it touches on one of the major challenges to encouraging children's attachment to their parents. It is worth reprinting.

"Rabbi S. Aisenstark brought out some very valid points, but he claims that parents are part of the problem and that chinuch is not only the school's or yeshivah's job. He is very right, except for the fact that educational institutions of today do not allow any time for parents to educate their children. My children leave our house at 8:00 am and come home at 5:30 pm. Then they have homework for a minimum of 45 minutes. Add to that all the other activities which the school requires them to do in their own time, like play practice, yearbook, monthly newsletter, G.O. carnivals,shmiras haloshan, etc., etc., etc.

Parents have almost no time besides Shabbos and Yom Tov to interact with their children and show them what a Yiddish home is supposed to look like. They come out of school thinking life is just fun and games (like in camp). It looks like the educational institutions do not trust parents. They also do not teach the children any life skills. Today what is most important to get along with other people is to be a mensch. They come out of our institutions thinking money grows on trees. All I get home from school is "Send money for this or that." The children want everything on a platter and it is not the parents who want it this way."

Another Reason We Are In a Pickle:
Two generations of Unflexed Muscles . . . and the beat goes on

Note: Please note the Guest Post below. I don't want this discussion to override the previous one.

The discussion on visiting day continues over at Rebbitzen Jungreis's column (see original column). I already commented that the reason we are in a pickle can be summed up by one sentence in the column, namely ""we do not want our children to feel deprived or different from their friends."

A second reason we are in a pickle can be summed up by a response to visiting day from a grandmother (her letter really isn't about visiting day but all the expenses related to camp, including camp itself). She asks "when will this all end?" in regards to the high associated costs of camps that include canteens food replacing regular camp meals (the kids just don't like the camp food), going out to eat in Woodmore, expensive trips, designer sheets to be amongst the "in" campers, etc. Yet, she feeds into her own children's hyperconsumption by funding it not once, but twice. She funded camp for her children even when her husband was out of work, and she now helps funds it for her grandchildren.

Although she seems to hit the problem on the nose when she writes, "As for the parents, it seems to me they have abdicated their role - the kids run the show and parents just do not know how to say no," yet she has not yet put a stop to this writing, "I see this with my own children - both parents work and struggle to send their kids to camp, and now my children pressure my husband and me, the grandparents, to help out with the expenses."

So here we have two generations of hyperconsumers with completely underdeveloped (perhaps even disintegrated) frugality muscles and no memorable history of doing without. Just like it is super difficult for an adult year who has never had an exercise regimen to start developing strength, it is super difficult for those who were raised in relative affluence to start exercising their frugality muscle (and the correlating creativity muscle), separating the needs from wants and finding alternatives for the needs and wants.

The grandmother (and plenty of others) asks "when will this end?" I have no doubt that it will end (saying no would help!). Simply, the money is running out. You can talk to anyone who has ever involved themselves in the finances of members of the frum community either as a volunteer (tuition committee, Tomchei Shabbos, etc) or a professional, and they will tell you there are large cracks in the foundation. Change is practically inevitable. . . The real question is how do we want the change to occur?

Do we want to the changes to shock individuals involved and the entire system? I don't. I think sudden change could leave a weak generation very hurt and lost. I don't think most of us could run a marathon tomorrow if it became necessary.

Or do we want to take the bull by the horns, exercising a higher level of control which is far more attractive of a quality than kvetching about how impossible it is to afford being Jewish? Do we want to start getting in better financial shape by making frugality fashionable and taking on a different mindset voluntarily? Do we want to find that our financial footing was permanently eroded, ruining the shalom bayit and simchat hachayyim in many homes, not just because of tuition (which can't be ignored), but because of hyperconsumption because we overspent in far too many categories from clothing, to food and "nosh," to Chol HaMoed trips, to engagement gifts, to wedding expenses (is it really necessary to serve 2 meals at every wedding), to household help, or flowers for Shabbat, to cars, etc, etc, etc.

If I were to answer the grandmother's question "when will this all end" with a question I would point her to Hillel in Pirkei Avot who says "if not now, when?" The economy is slowing down, credit is less readily available (I would add baruch Hashem as the availability of unreasonable amounts of credit helped contribute to growing debts ). Now is the time to end the madness and take control. . . . .and perhaps even learn to say, "no" or at least "I'm sorry, but no."

Guest Post on Substance Abuse

I am so thrilled to be able to put up a guest post from the husband of a valued commentor. I welcome guest posts from my readers that related to issues discussed on this blog. I've highlighted only a small number of important points (in orange) that I think are new to the discussion. Both the guest poster and I look forward to your comments.

by Nachshon Zohari, LCSW
-Program Administrator for Substance Abuse Treatment, Denver Human Services
-Certified Facilitator of the Power to Parent video series by Dr. Gordon Neufeld
http://zohari.typepad.com

I am grateful for the opportunity to address this issue. I have worked professionally in the field of substance abuse for the past 10 years, specializing in co-occurring mental health/substance abuse disorders, trauma, personality disorders as well as parenting education and family dynamics. I am also an Orthodox Jew and a father of (k'h) four children. I applaud all of you who are facing this issue directly and honestly.

Many of the comments on this blog post have been incredibly insightful and right on the money. It seems like the main issues expressed are: 1) What practical steps can be taken now to help kids who are struggling with substance abuse, and 2) How do we address the underlying causes of this problem?

Helping substance abusers begins and ends with the concept of confidentiality. It seems that the biggest resistance to getting help in the frum community is the fear of stigmatization. "How can I admit my family is dealing with a drug problem when I'm trying to get a son or daughter married or into a good school?" No professional substance abuse program could operate without strict rules of confidentiality. If I were ever to discuss a client with someone else I would lose my license and my agency would be sanctioned. Self-help groups like Alcoholics Anonymous also base their interventions on absolute confidentiality. So whatever we do as a community would have to have confidentiality at its core.

As one possible step, I would suggest identifying local activists who have demonstrated their ability to maintain confidentiality. These people could be trained in the basics of substance abuse intervention in order to: 1) identify the signs of drug or alcohol abuse; 2) assess the extent of the individual's problem; and 3) refer the person for appropriate treatment. Having a local resource that is trusted to not disclose information related to the problem would be a huge first step in effectively offering a solution.

Substance abuse education can also be quite effective as there are many people who honestly don't see a problem until it is too late. However, talking to kids about drugs is typically less effective than educating the parents. It has been my experience that young people tend to react negatively to "experts" they don't know telling them what to do. These messages are better received from people they know and trust, namely their parents. Therefore empowering the parents to bring up this subject should be the focus of any drug education program. Some appropriate venues for community awareness building could be: PTA meetings, shiurim, community centers, pediatrician and doctor offices, local law enforcement, etc.

Finally, it would be very important to have community leaders (rabbis and otherwise) to bless and support this type of initiative. People need to be reassured that there is nothing wrong with tackling this problem head-on.

Addressing the underlying causes of substance abuse necessitates that the most fundamental need of children is being met, that is, their need for attachment. A couple of responders to the post harkened back to the "good old days" when the child and parents spent more quality time together. Another noted that the kids who get into this kind of trouble often have "absentee parents." This is absolutely correct. We know that feeling disconnected to parents creates a vulnerability too great to bear for kids and that drug abuse is used as a coping device for getting through it. However, others noted that we live in an economic reality that means that we cannot turn back the clock to 1950s America - also correct. So what do we do?

The developmental psychologist, Gordon Neufeld (http://www.gordonneufeld.com), addresses this concern in his book: Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, which is an excellent book that I would recommend to anyone , [my note: see all references at this Orthonomics this book, as well as Mom in Israel’s review of this book, particularly the list at the end, particularly point 7 which is directly related to this discussion]. He describes this same situation of parents and kids separated by work and school. In response, he came up with the idea of the "attachment hand-off" as a solution to this reality of our times.

Nobody can be with their kids 24/7, nor would that be particularly healthy for anyone. There are always times when we need to be apart. But we must be aware that the separation can create feelings of anxiousness and vulnerability in our children. Therefore, Dr. Neufeld suggests that we must encourage and nurture feelings of attachment between our kids and what he describes as our surrogates. Surrogates are adults who interact with our children at school, extra-curricular activities, shul or anywhere else we are not present. To create a surrogate we must interact with that person in front of our child in a manner that conveys, "this person is an extension of myself and just as I am responsible for your safety and well-being so is this person." It is absolutely essential that we consciously map out our child's day in order to limit attachment voids between his leaving us in the morning and his re-connecting with us in the evening. Therefore, one of the worst things we could do is to bad-mouth the child's teacher or school in front of him. This just heightens his sense of danger and creates more need to defend himself. Real problems need to be addressed head-on, which in itself reduces a child's vulnerability and leads to even more trust and confidence in the parent.

Other more homey and old-fashioned techniques can also be used to keep away attachment voids, such as notes in lunch or school bags, coming to volunteer in the classroom on occasions, joining your child for lunch when you can. Obviously, teenagers present more of a challenge in this area. Adolescence is typically thought of as a time of "letting go" and encouraging autonomy. While teenagers are expressing their desire to become more independent and demanding new freedoms, they also have a heightened need for a reliable compass point that they can turn to in times of trouble and confusion - parents are that compass point. Anything we can do throughout the day in order keeps the kids emotionally connected to us will go a long way toward decreasing their feelings of vulnerability and reducing their risk of developing unhealthy coping strategies such as drug use.

I hope that I have succeeded in addressing the two major concerns of the readers of this post. I would be happy to respond to any questions or comments and continue the conversation into areas that were not directly noted in this post.

Nachshon Zohari, LCSW

More Bad News

I already reported the terrible car accident in a Catskills bungalow colony where a teenager crashed a car, thankfully hurting no one in his path, not even himself. Alcohol was involved.

Last week I heard about a terrible accident early Friday morning, where a teenage passenger's life was put on the line. Sadly, he passed away on Shabbat and the levaya was on Tisha B'Av no less. Alcohol was involved. All parties had been drinking.

Newsweek enraged many Orthodox commentors (see YWN and VIN) when they reported on the former accident and asked if there is a growing alcohol abuse problem. I was also informed by a reader that a 28 year old Queens girls passed away during the 9 days from a drug overdose, and I know of another family whose child overdosed and passed on. Heartbreaking.

Personally, I do not know how large the substance abuse issues are in the Orthodox community. None of us have any scientific means to access the problem. Unless there are studies, we can only listen to those who speak out, compare to our own experiences, and listen to our instincts. No matter how you cut it, the news doesn't look too good. My instinct tells me the problem is larger than we care to admit. I've made it into my 30's not knowing a single classmate from my (public) high school who has died in a drunk driving accident or drug overdose, so I am feeling rather bombarded as the period of the 3 weeks comes to a close.

Yet even as these tragedies come to light, an editorial decrying the Anti-Hareidi bias (the writer is reflecting on a story in which a family left one of their 5 children behind in an airport while flying to Paris, not knowing the child was missing until informed by the flight crew) was published declaring how great the Orthodox community is compared to the "secular." The author writes:

When it comes to secular families, and I truly apologize for the generalization, other things happen to the children, and they happen more frequently. Not all parents know where exactly their kids hang out on a Friday night; not every secular parent can swear that his son isn’t familiar with the neighborhood drug dealer.

I don't know who the neighborhood drug dealer is. But, I'm afraid too many young, Orthodox teenage boys and girls are well aware. Is the number comparable to secular teenagers? Maybe not. But too many children in our own neighborhoods are involved with things they should not be and instead of comparing ourselves to others, it is time to start problem solving because problems tend to get worse, not better.

Published

Hat Tip: Ariella

I was surprised to find out my comments to the editor of the 5 Towns Jewish Times regarding teen drinking were published, along with the letters of two other readers/commentors of this blog. I'm glad to see that the message was taken seriously enough to be put into a letter to the editor format. Thank you to the 5TJT.

Hat Tip: Rechovot

Commentors on the Orthonomics blog, as well as the blog of RenReb got a sidebar feature, in the World Jewish News publication (I hadn't heard of it until I as told we got a mention). The article published is called "Breaking the Bank" about the high cost of Jewish living. The side bar is titled "Don't Pass the Blame." Guest Poster qsman was quoted. I'm hoping he will consider a second guest post.

Well, That is One Way to Solve the Problem

I've written far too much about non-payment of wages (it would be nice for this trend to be appropriately buried), but I can't help but revisit the subject after reading this somewhat humorous news story. Apparently, a 15 year old Jerusalem teen got fed up after not being paid for her services and kidnapped the 6 year old boy from the Nanny. She has been detained for questioning. Perhaps she was familiar with the concept of a "mechanic's lien." But a child is not a car.

I would not try this at home. The non-paying parents might tell you to keep him, lol.

I AM HORRIFIED

I am so horrified by the editorial I just read that I believe I will be punch a wall if I don't put a Kick Boxing Video in before Shabbat starts. Larry Gordon, editor of the 5 Towns Jewish Times writes some of his thoughts about the self-destructive behavior far too many Orthodox youth are engaging in. He begins by referring to a terrible car accident that took place last Shabbat when an adolescent boy between 16 and 20, who was staying in a Catskills Bungalow got, got into a car drunk as drunk can be and crashed into his fence. Thankfully, Hashem did not put anyone in the path of this boy.

The report saddened me when I saw it earlier this week, but that is not what has send me over the edge. Read the following [emphasis mine]:

I was in a supermarket in Liberty, New York, last Friday afternoon about three hours before Shabbos. Two young yeshiva boys walked up to me in the store to ask if I could “help them out” with some beer. At first I genuinely thought they needed a few extra dollars so that they could purchase the beer. But then it quickly occurred to me that they were underage and the store would not sell them alcoholic beverages. I asked them their ages, and they said they were 16 and 17 years old. They told me what camp they were in and that they had hitched a ride to the store. I was inclined to buy the beer for them. After all, Shabbos was coming and they weren’t exactly babies. I don’t drink beer or much alcohol, but I can respect the next guy’s desire to get a little buzzed, especially over Shabbos. They asked again and I hemmed,hawed, and hesitated. I asked my wife if we should help them out and buy the beer. She said: “Absolutely not,” and added that we too have a 16-year-old in camp in the mountains for the summer. “I don’t want to think that anyone is buying him beer in any supermarkets,” she said. The line was drawn.

[Did he actually write this? Did he actually write this? Perhaps my eyes deceive me? I'm besides myself. He admits to having a 16 year old son in the mountains and claims to have hemmed, hawed, and hesitated. Unbelievable.]

Earlier Larry Gordon writes: "The episode contains within it a lot of things that need to be dealt with by parents, responsible adults in general, and our overall value and educational system charged with the growth and development of our young people. . . ."

Here is the problem(!) it seems that the responsible adults have left the ward and the insane, by virtue of teenage hood, are running the ward. Fortunately Mrs. Gordon can use the word NO! because if not, it is entirely possible that Mr. Gordon might have helped them out scumming to the pressure. (Side note: if the problem with buying alcohol was just financial, not age related, NO! would have also been a completely appropriate answer.).

Every parenting class I have been too and every book I have read dealing with the subject matter of parenting (most recently Rav Yaakov Weinberg Talks About Chinuch) likes to say "It Takes A Village to Raise a Child." Problem is. . . where the heck is this mythical village today?!?! When I read that he got the name of the camp the boys had hitched a ride from, I thoroughly expected a report of how he transported the boys back to camp, made sure to speak to the camp directors, and then followed up by calling their parents to let them know what is happening in their boys life while they are "gaining independence" which we all keep getting told is one of the reasons sleep away camp is not a luxury, but a necessity.

When I was younger, I remember accompanying my father to the grocery store where some middle school or high school boys asked my father to buy them a pack of cigarettes. He looked them straight in the eye and said "no." Simple as that. No hesitation at all. Then he let the manager inside the store know what was going on outside the store so he would be aware of the situation. If I recall correctly, the manager made the boys disperse on threat of calling the police.
And furthermore, the parents of the boy who drove drunk on Shabbos was released on bail. Just like low pay is not appropriate for a Bnot Yisrael or Bnai Torah, we all know stay "jail is no place for Jewish boy. "

If I was that drunk teenager in a car. . . .. I can assure you my parents would have allowed no one to bail me out.

And on that note: Shabbat Shalom, Good Shabbos. I need to burn some steam before candle lighting. My apologies for not sticking to less controversy during this time as planned.

Related: See ProfK.

Updated motzei Shabbat: My post at YWN (if it gets published). Please join me in leaving a message for Mr. Gordon at http://www.5tjt.com.

I posted on my own blog (Orthonomics) about this HORRIFYING article. How a man could publically admit to "hemming, hawing, and hestitating" when it comes to a request to buy alcohol from underage teenagers who has ever met is just downright horrifying. I ask all of you who are likewise horrified to join me by leaving your own comments at 5tjt.com. Let it be known that
other parents expect their fellow parents to exercise clarity and judgement when it comes to these issues, rather than "respect the next guy’s desire to get a little buzzed, especially over Shabbos" (perhaps the teenager who crashed his car last Shabbos also wanted to get buzzed).

Teenagers are not known for their judgement. That is why adults need to help guide them and take responsibility. I find it amazing that Mr. Gordon felt pressure from teenagers, teenagers he never met in his life? Has the word NO left the mouth of adults? Earlier in the article he calls upon the issues of self-destructive behavior to be addressed by "responsible adults" and yet demonstrates to the reader that he lacks much of the vision, clarity, and ability that a "responsible adult" should have. Fortunately, his wife had no issues with using the little two letter word so many parents have forgotton how to articulate.

Mr. Gordon should have been able to say no with no hesitation. A tzadik would have offered these boys who hitched to the store a ride back to camp, making sure to get their names. Then he would be able to speak with the directors and call their parents. If a boy/girl asks my husband or me to buy alcohol for him, we would do everything in our power to speak to his/her parents, as well as inform the schools (something we incidently have done before). And we hope other parents would have that consideration for us if chas v'shalom our children are ever trying to get someone else to buy alcohol for them.

In One Sentence: Why We are in a Pickle

There is one sentence in the letter to Rebbitzen Jungreis from the Jewish Press that perfectly sums up the issues of entitlement and financial erosion that make up much of the subject matter of this blog:

"we do not want our children to feel deprived or different from their friends."*

In a nutshell, the decision making process is limited in scope to the present time. Imagine if Yosef HaTzaddik limited his thinking only to the present? Solving issues of financial erosion in this era of entitlement requires leadership that only can come from adults, not adolescents.

------------------------------------------------------
*Full paragraph:
It is a sacrifice for my husband and me to send our children to camp. Nevertheless, as difficult as it may be to write that check for camp fees, we do not want our children to feel deprived or different from their friends, and we do not think this is a matter of spoiling or indulging them. Nowadays, camp is not a luxury (although there may be some who consider it as such); if we didn't send our children to camp, they would be totally lost. None of their friends are in the city, so camp has become a necessity.