Potpourri: Chanukah Gelt, Fundraising, Lending, and Fraud

---The time has come in which schools and Parent Teacher Associations start collecting for holiday gifts. I turned over my check last week and the money is being handled by the president of the PTA who is picking out gifts for the staff and will be letting us know shortly what was collected and what was gifted. School administration is uninvolved with collection and distribution of the funds and contributions are optional. Thankfully we were able to contribute the modest amount requested.

In other schools, the dance is a bit different. Years ago, a friend of mine told me that the Rebbes in her children's school go home with thousands of dollars each Chanukah. In her school, gifts are given to the Rebbes directly by parents/students in a custom known as Chanukah Gelt. Let us leave aside the tax issues for a moment (I do believe this money should be processed through payroll and subject to normal with holdings) and consider the inequity such a practice could potentially create. This custom, as well as the expectation of tipping camp counselors to increase their pay, are problematic and create plenty of animosity.

---The Jewish Standard has another article on the community funding model . I'm glad some people are more optimistic than I because being told that a large and growing communal fund isn't going to lower tuition, but rather just stem the tide of future increases isn't particularly encouraging. I mean, how much higher can tuition go?

The reader who kindly sent me the story informs me that the lowest listed tuition for a school funded by NNJKIDS is $15,000. After five months of fundraising, eight elementary schools received money each received a little over $22,000. There are still many influential people who believe that more fundraising is the answer to communal issues. And certainly where communal fundraising helps the schools communicate, there is a positive benefit. But, as far as I am concerned, the only way to get to the bottom of the issue is to shrink the infrastructure. Meanwhile, I'm told that the infrastructure continues to expand at a multi-million dollar cost.

---Meanwhile, the Jewish Worker asks an important question based on a Mishapacha article, namely are (money lending) gemachs harmful? I do believe there is a prohibition in extending a loan for which payment is simply impossible. Yet in Israel, running from gemach to gemach is a known sport. Borrowed money is known to play into increased costs. I read an interesting article recently in an economic publication that made the argument that had mortgage borrowers been required to place a traditional down payment on homes, there would not have been a bubble to burst.

Here in our own little bubble we are seeing that unsustainable spending habits, fueled largely by credit, have pushed the cost of Orthodoxy into the stratosphere. The extension of credit isn't being used to fund new businesses or learning vocations. It is mostly being used to fund consumption. A return to the (very Jewish) concept of thrift coupled with an avoidance of debt would be most helpful in restoring some economic sanity. It is time to leave this culture of debt behind at the individual level and the organizational level. See a previous post of mine: A Plan that Starts with Debt isn't Must of a Plan.

---Remember that offhand comment from the 5Towns Newspaper Editor to the visiting Rebbe about laundering money to the Eida faction through American schools? Well, it seems that someone is one step ahead because something fraudulent (or is more tzniut language "not nice") is going on in Yerushalayim as Education Ministry officials have discovered that 20,000 Eida Haredit children's names have been used by other Haredi schools that do accept "Zionist money." I'm not quite sure how those names and identification numbers ended up in the hands of the other G-d fearing administrators, but something is definitely fishy. The Eida has proclaimed that they are "aware of the phenomenon." Nevertheless, they refuse to cooperate in the investigation out of ideological motives. I guess theft isn't tzniut or Shabbos, so it isn't important.

Yay or Nay? Suing to Recover Tuition Due

I had this argument in a more official fashion, but I want to hear your opinion. I'm not sharing mine right now. Should Jewish schools sue parents in beit din or court where warranted to force them to honor their (signed) tuition agreements?

Personally, I take my obligation to honor agreements very seriously and think it shameful that signing contracts and paying bills is treated by far too many people (and organizations) without the seriousness it deserves. I've written plenty about non-payment from the end of schools to vendors and employees. Now it is time to look at parents who sign contracts and don't honor them.

See the Jewish Star article here and the comments on VIN, most of which concentrate on a school turning to civil court.

First Response to the Young Couples: Just Downright Mean

I have to say I am a bit disappointed that this letter below is the first to be published by the Yated in response to the young couple that wrote in recognizing that the "help" they received from their parents turns out to be of little help at all. I think I might have to edit and send in my own response for publication in hopes that some advice be published that is not only practical but sympathetic.

Clearly the newest letter writer does not understand that the parents did more harm than good by helping. Had the parents NOT lavished them with financial support and a monthly check that I think is one of the most terrible ideas out there, these young couples would have likely been able to see that their situation was headed out of control far earlier and they would have been able to take steps that are far more difficult to take at a later stage in life. It is far easier to correct financial missteps before having 2 or 3 children.

Now a handful of kids and a large mortgage later, their hands are essentially tied. It is very difficult to go out and rent a basement apartment or even a small apartment because of limitations on the number of occupants. If they had been renting that apartment before the children were born the children would be "afterborn." If they do default on their mortgage and leases or car loans, the default might not just cost them their good credit, home, and/or car, but the possibility of future employment opportunities and advancement as employers today are more and more likely to run credit checks for employment, security clearances, and advancements in jobs where the employee is responsible for handling money.

This isn't about managing without a bugaboo, which the smart couple will sell or consign. This is about finding out that the entire lifestyle that served up on a silver platter was an illusion and picking up the pieces. Personally, I find it far easier to put together the pieces going forward than to pick up the pieces going backwards.

I'd rather be the couple in the rented apartment without support than the couple with the far too large mortgage who just found out the well has run dry. The letter writer didn't come with a " 'tude," just questions about where to go a handful of kids later when no one ever bothered to fulfill the mitzvah of teaching the son a trade? Giving mussar to these couples about their obligation to be supportive of their parents trials and tribulations and saying other people have worse problems is rather cruel in my opinion. If anyone should be getting mussar, I think it best to direct that mussar at those who perpetuated this mess.

Recommended reading: The Millionaire Next Door which takes a look at the spending habits of the truly affluent (i.e. those who don't overleverage themselves and their children) and the differences in income an spending between those who were given "economic outpatient care" and those who were not.

SPOILED
Dear Editor,

Thank you for your amazing newspaper. I greatly look forward to it each week.

I’m responding to the letter which discussed certain young couples who aren’t sure what to do now that their parents are in a financial crisis. For some reason, I’m not too sympathetic. Welcome to the real world in which not everybody has money. Appreciate that your parents were generous all these years when they supported you lavishly. Lots of couples start off their married lives with almost nothing and don’t have rich parents to support them. They could be your neighbors, coworkers or friends. They don’t have fancy houses at the outset of their marriage, they live in rented apartments.

Now that your parents are going through some hard times, be sympathetic and supportive instead of complaining. Believe me, you can manage without your Bugaboo stroller and designer clothes.

Now, I really don’t know your individual circumstance and situation, but please. These should be the worst kinds of problems that anyone ever experiences. Frankly, I’m a little disgusted by the whole thing.
Sincerely,
L. Y.

Fascinating Article on a Wedding Culture (Thankfully) Not Our Own

Well if this isn't super interesting, I'm not sure what it is. Thank you to Ezzie for pointing out this interest article on Korean wedding traditions.

What Now? Unpopular Advice for Young Families that Will No Longer be Receiving Support

This letter appears in the Yated and I'm hoping that somehow the advice I am going to try to offer will make its way into the circles wondering "what now?" I want to make it clear from the outset that I realize that the advice I offer isn't going to be popular, nor are the solution I offer going to be easy. And the advice might even appear to be insulting. But, I'm trying to deal with the numbers for those who see no solution while their life seemingly crumbles around them.


THE FINANCIAL CRISIS: HOW IT AFFECTS THE YOUNGER GENERATION

Dear Editor,

As we are all well aware, the world is falling apart financially. Yesterday’s millionaires are poverty stricken today. The lists of tzedakah organizations are endless, and there aren’t any more donors. I can’t imagine anyone possibly saying they haven’t yet been affected by this crisis, because we all have.

I am writing this letter on behalf of the younger generation. For those of us who are married for about five years (give or take) and have around three children, our lives are really “just starting” in a way, whether our husbands are in kollel or not. At this point, we need a lot of money just to get by, no matter how simply we live. We have children to feed and our expenses are only growing.

When many of us got married, our parents and/or in-laws were wealthy. They bought us whatever we needed. They told us “Yes” to whatever we asked for, they agreed to buy us a more expensive house, and they leased us the nicer cars. It was all working perfectly. There were no problems.

Now, however, things are different. Our parents’ finances have changed drastically over the past two years. They can’t give us what they used to, and we now have huge mortgage payments, car payments and child care expenses with no way to pay for them. Although the women may have degrees, the husbands have nothing. They have no way to make a decent living now. No one ever thought about the future, and we didn’t have to, because we were rolling in dough! The husbands don’t have the time or money to start a business or go to school at this point. They need the money now, and the wives can’t work so hard anymore, as they have large families to take care of.

This letter is not coming to blame anyone or to sound ungrateful. Parents, we are so thankful for what you’ve done for us and we have no taanos that you can’t give us anymore. We’re just
asking, what should we do? What is the answer? How are we supposed to manage?

There is probably no answer to this question, but one thing I can say is that when my children get married, I’ll probably do things a lot differently. Maybe the way we’ve done things until now didn’t make as much sense as we thought they did…

Sincerely,
A Grateful Child
Strapped for Cash


A few comments before the advice comes:

*I've written before about my thoughts on better and worse ways to help adult children, and I believe a monthly check is possibly one of the worst ways to help adult children. I think this letter further reinforces the pitfalls of monthly support (especially where the money was not actually available indefinitely). I believe that monthly support feeds into an inflated lifestyle due to its normally fluid arrangement, often I comes with strings of dependence, and it hides many of the warning signs that a financial situation is headed in an unsustainable direction. Hence, where support is offered, I think it is best to either make a lump sum gift(s) or fund a specific purpose such as college, funds to start a business, etc.

*Note the language regarding these wealthy parents, "Yesterday's millionaires are poverty stricken." I believe that what the writer is referring to is Hashem's hashgacha over our financial lives, a concept I firmly believe in and a concept that is pivotal in a relationship with a personal G-d. That said, I continue to hear and read about wealthy people who are no longer able to put food on the table and make their mortgage payments. I certainly don't intend to rub salt in wounds, but I hope we take a lesson from the current status quo and start to understand that an over leveraged lifestyle that indicates "wealth" is possibly an illusion.

*Re: "The lists of tzedakah organizations are endless, and there aren’t any more donors." This I believe and I hope this letter helps those who administer tzedakah agencies that it is critical to shorten the lists by funding first things first. I am still amazed that I am receiving solicitations where apparel, sheteils, and pricey sheva brachot for a kallah is mixed in with basic food for families that have no bread on their table! Incredible. But more on that later.

Now, let's talk about solutions. The writer seems to think there are no real answers. And, I'm almost certain that these answers would be laughed at and dismissed out of hand. But, I'm just going to present them anyways. I'm always thrilled when I receive emails from readers of this blog who have taken some of my advice and reported a positive change!

From the outset I think it is important to emphasize three things: 1) Some solutions I might suggest to piece together the puzzle are short-term. Short-term solutions may be unpleasant, perhaps very unpleasant. But, sometimes you have to plug the holes up before draining the boat. 2) I am not going to suggest taking on more debt or any "juggling act" to deal with the problem. Others are free to suggest such solutions in the comments. It isn't my style. My apologies. 3) It is an obligation for a father to teach his son a trade, so I don't think it is beyond the scope of this post to suggest that the parents who provided their children with all sorts of luxuries before fulfilling a most basic Torah obligation now help pick up the pieces.

So here we go in no particular order:

1. Complete the Role Reversal. I'm starting with the most offensive solution first! As the writer mentions, the husbands are ill trained and ill prepared for working, the wives are overworked by their growing families [and careers], and the expenses (including childcare) are out of control. The kollel lifestyle is extremely inefficient when it comes to preserving income. While many a kollel wife/husband has argued that stay-at-home-mothers also are part of a single income arrangement, the situations can rarely be compared. Normally the stay-at-home-parent does not have massive childcare expenses as their job is to take care of the children (!) and maximize the earnings of the income earner through frugality and availability so that the income earner can advance in his/her career by being able to work late into the night or travel where necessary.

Where the wife is already established in a career, a family may be well served to teach convert the kollel husband (or underemployed husband) to a "stay-at-home-dad." Short-term solutions are going to be about maximizing every dollar and putting away cash so that the long-term can be tackled.

I don't think many men have envisioned themselves as a homemaker (Mr. Mom) and I am fully aware that many men lack the skills, and desire for that matter, to run Daddy's pre-school, Camp Daddy, clean the home, cut the coupons, bargain shop, and engage in frugal cooking. But, minimizing large expenses is key. And, no matter how you cut it, day-care, preschool, and camp are large expenses that likely have to be cut out of the budget.

So there you have a possible short-solution to (significantly) increase cash, which I am labeling as "completing the role reversal." Of course, in a full role reversal world, the bargain-shopping, frugal cooking, Super-Dad would be able to roll into the hospital, birth the baby, and be back to running Camp Daddy within 2 weeks of giving birth. But at the very least, wives like the one who wrote this letter, should get a bit of relief.

Like I said before. . . . short-term, short-term, short-term. I believe Hashem designed the world with different roles in mind for men and women. On a long-term basis, this solution would likely be detrimental to the these familyfamilies. But, going broke can do that too.

2. Start from Scratch. The writer mentions leased cars and mortgages that are too large to handle. An important concept in business is to know when to stop throwing good money after bad. The leased cars can clearly go. In some cases they will have to be replaced by a "clunker." Just remember that many a tuition paying parent has driven a clunker to get from point a to point b to make their own ends meet.

It is difficult to imagine selling a home, but sometimes this is a worthwhile solution to investigate, especially where the mortgage payment can be traded in for a far lesser rent payment (although that will likely mean bunking up for quite a while).

The writer mentions cars and homes. She does not mention other assets. But chances are good that the parents who said "yes" to everything spent a tremendous amount of money funding the laundry list of engagement items from jewelry to silver, to say nothing of "push presents," fancy strollers, designer clothing, and sheitels. I try to listen to the Dave Ramsey Friday Show online while I cook for Shabbat (Friday is the day where people call in to scream that they are debt free), and have learned just what an impact a garage sale can have in getting the dominoes to fall while trying to get out of a sticky financial situation.

I certainly think that where expensive items can be converted to cash to change the financial footing, it should be considered. I understand that some of these items are sentimental and that I am stepping into sensitive territory. But if you need to rid yourself of the expensive lease and have something to pay for the clunker, or get rid of credit card debt, or actually come up with cash to start a business and/or fund a college/vocational education, it shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. Cold hard cash is helpful.

3. Different shifts. Back to eliminating those pesky daycare expenses, working different shifts can be tough on a marriage, but can be another good short-term solution for increasing cash in the short-term. I know of families that have arranged for long-term telecommute positions and other families that juggled children and graveyard shifts, all while keeping day care costs minimal. Those of us whose parents and/or grandparents owned small businesses likely spent a good deal of time being cared for on-sight. Once again, this is far from a desirable situation. But, in the short-term it can make a large dent. Of course, the long term solution is not just about cutting expenses, but increasing income.

4. Sharing resources within the family. I hate to place more work and responsibility on grandparents, but it seems to me that where the grandparents created a dependency situation, that playing a role on reserving the situation might just be the right thing to do. I do know of a number of kids with kids that have moved back in with the parents. Normally both the parents and grandparents are thrilled when such a situation ends!

I do know a number of grandmothers who provide unpaid daycare. Creating cooperative arrangements between siblings from the same families is another way to work together. Any such arrangements should be as formal as possible. Open ended arrangements are partially what got many of the families in these situations into trouble. So many grandparents look worn out as they care for little ones. And I know it isn't easy for these grandparents. I wouldn't make such a suggestion where an education and opportunity was provided. But where it was not, it might be worthy of consideration.

Siblings can also enter into agreements of their own. I recently met a mother who was out and about with her kids and her sister's kids. Turns out that the sisters share a purchased home (perhaps a duplex?) and everyone shares the childcare arrangements while the husband's complete their schooling and residencies. I believe that the wives each work part time. She told me that the arrangement is tough at times, but it is the best solution for them at this point.

Read about cooperative camps here. Such arrangements can be tremendously helpful in minimizing large expenses.

5. Don't lay down and play dead! The writer states: "The husbands don’t have the time or money to start a business or go to school at this point." Please, for your sake, stop making excuses because it is holding you back! You are young. You are healthy. You can make a dent in your situation. Don't convince yourself that you can't do anything at this point because plenty of people have changed course in life. But I do suggest getting out there and asking questions, listening to people, cooperating other families. The solutions aren't going to come from people who are in lock step with the thinking that has brought a good number of people to the place they are in now.

I'm going to conclude now before touching on any other sensitive subjects. We can deal with those in a future post. I'm also not detailing long term solutions as I think that it is fairly obvious. Also obvious is that tuition is a HUGE problem for these families and everyone else for that matter. Part of alleviating that problem will be to lessen the tzedakah roles and move people from dependency to work.

Commentors: offer up your own solutions and experiences in turning around a touchy situation. I have no monopoly on solutions and there is plenty more to talk about.

Where Psuedo-Science Leads

Mumps and measles? Wasn't that a rhyme that some of us jumped roped to in the 70's an 80's?

Unfortunately mumps is alive and well and spreading through frum (mostly yeshiva) communities in the US, Canada, England, and Israel. The latest report has nearly thrown me over the edge. A 160 student yeshiva in Israel is reporting that 100 of the 160 students have been diagnosed with mumps. Scary and incredible all at the same time.

I recently spoke with a family member and doctor on the subject of risk and my own children as I recently found out that one of my close friends does not immunize. He felt that since there was still herd immunity I shouldn't worry too much about having certain non-immunized friends over, although I need to make sure that there is not contact after my own children have live immunizations as they shed the virus.

But as I continue to watch the stories coming in on YWN an VIN, I have to wonder if I have perhaps not provided enough information to this family member who isn't familiar with the sociological trends in the frum community. There are a number of families that do not immunize and families travel frequently.

I have to wonder if there is enough herd immunity in my own community, in the communities that we travel in, in the communities that our friends travel in (especially those who do not vaccinate), in our shul, and in local schools. I don't know this answer, but I am taking one of my kids for an annual and will certainly be asking questions. I wish I knew how many people in our shul and in our social circles don't vaccinate. I'm almost certain it isn't limited to a single friend and her children.

I might be mistaken, but I also don't believe this is a nation problem as a Google Search of Mumps Outbreak 2009 seems to turn up the same stories that are appearing on VIN and YWN. So it seems as though this problem is one of our own.

If anyone wants to open up the conversations as to why pseudo-science seems to be so popular in the frum community, feel free. If anyone has medical expertise and wants to offer advice and guidance on what questions parents should be asking and what actions they might want to take, feel free. I'm not a scientist, just a concerned parent who is concerned by the news. I'm not interested in rewinding the clock 100 years because of lack of trust in science and medicine.

These are serious diseases that really should remain the subject of jump rope rhymes.

(Sorry for a more emotional post. This is not my normal style).

Would You Really Wish For Public Funding in an Ideal World?

Rabbi Shafran has published an article called "Who is a Briton?" He takes offense regarding a decision of a British Court over the question "Who is a Jew?" But the article is a bit misleading. Rabbi Shafran finds the court's decision an outrage as a religion should be able to define the terms of entry into the religion on its own terms, not on those of a secular body.

While others argue over the court's decision and its implications, I will detour and ask, if the State did not subsidize religious schools, would the British Court system be involved in determining whether or not the school's admission policies are in compliance with British law?

The call here in the US is to increase our lobbying efforts to secure public funding for religious schools. The call is getting increasingly loud as the "tuition crisis" looms large. If that battle is won (doubtful), are we prepared to deal with the inevitable aftermath? Are we prepared to relinquish independence and just how much independence are we ready to relinquish and in which areas?

Strike 2: Laundering it Kashers It?

The 5 Towns Jewish Times Times Editor has published an interview with the Toldos Avraham Yitzchak Rebbe and his Rebbitzen. The article came off sounding a bit like a free public relations piece as the trip stirred up controversy and scrutiny. I have no interest into covering subjects other bloggers are likely covering including whitewashing the opposition to the Medinah. But, I can't help but declaring "Strike Two" for the editor over this exchange (see Strike One here). Talk about twisting yourself into a pretzel.

One area in which this is played out is in chinuch—the education system. This sect, as well as others, refuses to take money from Israel’s Education Ministry for their schools, because they do not want their Torah studies financed by a government that openly and deliberately violates Shabbos. Therefore, their institutions are seriously in debt. And that’s why they are in New York now, to raise money for the considerable education system that they administer.

I suggested to the Rebbe that since he was here in New York seeking vital funding for his educational institutions, perhaps we could arrange for the Israeli government to send us—here in the Diaspora—the money, and then we could in turn give it to his organization. The Rebbe said, with a smile, that itsounded like a good idea, but they have not yet encountered a person who can successfully effectuate that type of arrangement.


So if you take "unkosher" money and send it through a third party it is magically transformed into kosher money. Don't strain any muscles trying to get yourself out of that pretzel!

The irony of the editor's comments is incredible given this recent poll on the 5TJT website. The poll asks readers: "When comes to the issue of Yeshiva tuitions, what is the best formula for the future?" The four choices are:

1. Parents should pay full tuition for each child
2. Parents should pay whatever they can afford
3. Yeshiva education should be free and supported by community
4. Public education funds should be able to be used for Yeshiva education

Granted the choices don't have a fully array of choices, but the overwhelming number of those who have voted in the poll have voted for choice #4, receiving public education funds for a Yeshiva education.

Receiving public funds beyond what is already received (and it isn't nothing in the state of NY where there is busing, remedial tutoring, and Priority 7) is a pipe dream. But while the community dreams of vouchers/public funding, the kehillah is asked to send limited funds that are desperately needed at home outside of the kehillah so that a sect that refuses government funding of their schools can pay off their debts!

It is time for Synagogue Boards and Community Rabbonim to cut a stop to traveling contingents that roll through town and leave with funds another banquet can't raise. Perhaps it is high time to tell them to jump on the solution that our own parents are salivating over. For us it is a pipe dream; for them a realistic possibility.

Support local institutions first!

Remedial Education Funding Would Not be My Argument for Vouchers

VIN has published another pro-vouchers article from Josh Pruzansky (Executive Director of Agudath Israel New Jersey), as has Rabbi Boteach. Two in one day. This might be a record.

My regular readers know that I support vouchers from an ideological standpoint. And while I have addressed the subject of educational choice, which incidental extends far beyond the subject of school vouchers as Josh Pruzansky points out, I'm not holding out any hope of seeing a voucher in my lifetime. Despite my support for politicians who share my ideological view, I'm not quite sure that vouchers would be a blessing for our communities. But this is perhaps a subject for a future post as the subject is sure to rear its head from now until the day when the community decides that perhaps it is time to concentrate efforts on solving the tuition issue more internally. Perhaps a concerted effort to consolidate schools, throw support behind present and potential future homeschoolers/groupschoolers, enacting minimum tuitions or at the very least collecting agreed upon tuitions (see my last post).

But back to the articles at hand. If you are lobbying for public education funding to be earmarked for private schools, particularly yeshivot, what arguments do you think will be most effective in winning the hearts and minds of politicians and taxpayers who are on the fence so to speak? What arguments might sway parents who might fear adding more students to the role of the taxpayer? What arguments might help convince taxpayers that private schools can do a better job than public schools at a lower cost?

Personally, I would 'vote no' on using the $24 million of earmarked funds in New York that are funding remedial tutoring for *10,000* yeshiva students as an argument for why the taxpayer should hand over governmental funding for parents desiring a yeshiva education. Now certainly where remedial tutoring is needed and where there are outside funds available, I would see no reason not to lobby for remedial education funds for the sake of remediation. But as an argument with the ultimate goal of securing support for the elusive school voucher and/or greater funding for yeshivot. . . no way! The taxpayer isn't interested in a superior gemorrah shiur. The taxpayer wants students graduating with a strong grasp of the three R's. If you aren't able to provide that, I'm afraid the taxpayer isn't going to be too impressed, even where "the government saves by having children in a values-based education system which produces far lower delinquency rates. [Rabbi Boteach]" .

And, to finish up a quick post. . . . . perhaps VIN should reconsider its choice of photo for an article on educational choice. The photo of choice was taken on the day that FBI agents went into the Deal Yeshiva to seize records to investigate a money laundering ring for which community Rabbis were arrested. Not a smart choice for a photo in my opinion.

(Perhaps a kind reader can email VIN with this commentary. I've never got very far on posting comments there).

Update: Google Alerts alerted me that the Agudah had the article published in the Asbury Press. It should be interesting to see the comments that get published. At this time only one comment is in with the introduction "entitled?" This type of article simply does not speak to the American public. It is far too centered on one community.

Let's Be Honest

This week's Yated as well as last week's Yated featured letters from part time kollel wives of large families telling readership that it is possible to "make it" and be happy on a very, very limited income. I don't doubt the joy that the parents receive from their choices, but when it comes to the money situation, I find myself a bit annoyed because the approach is a bit disingenuous, for lack of a better word.

The letter writer from the previous week wrote about full-time working women (whom she accuses of buying fancy clothing and having lots of household help) end up forcing their husband's out into the working world quicker than the part-time teachers/secretaries/etc. Perhaps some of these full-time working women are unnecessarily materially indulgent, but even if they weren't, the mere fact that they work full-time work likely changes their kollel equation. Likely, the women working part-time in frum schools are receiving a number of government benefits that their counterparts working full time aren't receiving. Each income threshold you pass eliminates another government benefit, including benefits that people often forget about, namely the Earned Income Tax Credits (both Federal and State) that you don't have to apply for in the same way you apply for WIC or Food Stamps.

Full-time work (with no parent at home) normally require a great deal of costly around the clock child care or household help. Once you add in a commute and no longer work core hours, to say nothing of having care that extends to cover all of the many days the kids have off from school, you simply face a different financial equation than the wife who can work 3-4 hours a day 10-15 minutes down the street.

And, few people drop off used clothing to "rich" families.

The following is this week's letter. I wish I had the Chinuch Roundtable discussion discussing whether or not children are negatively affected. But, I think that after reading this, we can conclude that whether or not her children are being negatively affected, the SCHOOLS are being affected because she can't pay tuition. She might talk a nice talk about how important chinuch is and how teachers should be paid. . ... . . . but she isn't paying in full, on time, every time!

CONTENT WITH WHAT WE HAVE
Dear Editor,
I enjoyed reading last week’s Yated Chinuch Roundtable discussion which focused on the kollel lifestyle: husbands learning, wives working, and the possibility of children being negatively affected. Many important points were mentioned, and I found them all very interesting. Please allow me to express some of my thoughts and feelings as a person living the lifestyle under discussion.

My husband has been learning in kollel for the past fifteen years. We have nine children between the ages of one and thirteen years. I work hard - very hard - at home and as a part-time teacher in a girls’ seminary. I love my life, and there’s no one else I’d rather be.

Our home, a four-bedroom rented apartment, can be described as “yeshivish.” It’s old and simple, warm and cozy, and I love being in it. So do my children’s friends, who are always welcome, including overnight and for Shabbosos. I don’t have to worry about anyone jumping
on the couch or ruining any furniture, because I got it for free, and it’s not too gorgeous.

We don’t spend much on anything that’s not absolutely necessary. Secondhand clothing suits us fine. We have some toys from here and there. What else do we need? Briefcases and even loose-leaves can be reused from last year, and when they can’t, we buy new ones (not the Hello
Kitty ones or whatever other expensive brand might be in style now).


The only thing I wish I had more money for is my children’s tuition. Their mechanchim are so dedicated and hardworking, and they deserve to be paid. The schools are so considerate. They politely mail us a bill every month, but they never apply any kind of pressure. I don’t like to take advantage of their kindness. I hope someday to be able to pay back every penny we owe them. That’s on my mind a lot.

If I had loads of money, I could send my kids off to day camp during the summer and enjoy some hours of peace and quiet to get my work done in the mornings. But that’s not an option, so instead we stay home and my girls make a day camp for the neighborhood children. It’s
fun, and it’s a lot of mess and noise, and yes, I do work much harder, and that’s okay. My children are content with what we’re doing. I’m not making this up. You can ask them.

We don’t have cleaning help. When there’s money available, I get much more pleasure out of paying the people who teach my children than paying somebody to wash my floors. I do what I can, and the house is not completely clean and neat. Some of your readers may be horrified
to hear that, but it’s the truth and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Life is too short and too precious to dedicate to something that doesn’t last, and a spotless house doesn’t last at all. Not with nine kids living in it. And even if somebody does manage to keep her house looking perfect, so what?
What’s so great about that?


People often comment that my children are so happy. I’m trying to analyze why. Maybe it’s a free gift from Hashem. Maybe they’re happy because their parents are happy. They don’t get many expensive presents or go on major trips (we don’t have a car), but we try to give them
little things here and there, and they’re very grateful. Once in a while, I sneak a treat into their briefcases at night with a note telling them that I love them. When they come home, they thank me happily. Once, we passed one of those outdoor rides - you know, those trains or animals
that move and sing when you insert two quarters. They jumped on, about seven or eight kids at once - on top, on the sides, in the back - and held on tightly as I put the money in. One of my little girls said, “Mommy, you’re so nice. You’re spending your money on us!” She’s such a
cutie pie.

My work outside of the home does tire me out, and yes, it’s possible that as a result, I have less time and energy for my children, but they don’t seem to be suffering too much. In fact, I asked
them once or twice if there’s any other family they’d prefer to be in, and they all answered clearly, “No!” (They also told me that probably all kids like their own families best.)

My work means a lot to me, but my family definitely comes first, and if my child’s class is having a Chanukah play or a graduation on a day that I work, I miss work and attend the performance.

Every word of Torah that my husband learns is a treasure, and I’m so happy to be earning it with him. I feel so lucky. Thank You, Hashem, for my good life.


I’m attaching a poem that I read at a fundraising tea organized by the PTA of my children’s school. Your readers might enjoy it.

Wishing all of Klal Yisroel joy and blessing always,

Chavie H.