Bad Shidduch Advice:
Should I offer an alternative opinion?
We are friends with a absolutely wonderful single man who, despite wonderful character traits and middot, is not in great demand on the marriage market.
Recently he received advice from some very chashuveh sources that we consider absolutely terrible advice. I will not disclose or discuss the advice here on my blog, but I will say that if you heard this advice, you would agree that the advice is not advice you would want your own loved ones to receive.
I'm thinking of bringing up the subject with this man and offering an alternative opinion. I am not chashuve like those who offered the original advice, but my advice would be more than backed by Da'at Torah (a term I'd prefer to stay away from since this term has political connotations, but I am using this term to denote the fact that I believe every Rav of stature from the world of YU to the deep center of Chassidish Brooklyn and beyond would offer the same advice that I would plan to offer).
In fact, the advice that I would offer was presented in the most recent RJJ Journal. The article of note was covered by Gil Student here, just in case inquiring minds want want to figure out what I am alluding to. (And, no, it is not the advice that accountants should not refrain from dating during tax season).
So, what do my readers think? This wonderful man, a role model for our family, shared the advice he received with us. We stood there stunned did not say a word, except "oh." Should we try to bring the subject back up and offer a different piece of advice? Or, should we just hope that he realizes the advice was not practical for his situation in the least and keep quiet? I'm honestly not sure what the best mode of action is.
It's an open forum now.
To clarify, your advice would be what---- to take dating seriously? Sure, you can always give your opinion. Doesn't mean he needs to agree. Finding his beshert is up to him and his beshert. He doesn't HAVE to be in "great demand", as long as just ONE right woman has her eyes open when she meets him.
ReplyDeleteAnon-He does take dating extremely, extremely seriously. If you want a clue about what I am alluding to, read the RJJ Journal. One of the pitfalls of dating that I am alluding to is in there.
ReplyDeleteAnon-Remember that in the shidduch dating I am refering to, nobody agree to date each other until a profile is met.
ReplyDeleteWe care about this person very much, but the advice he received turned a healthy attitude into a limiting attitude.
I assume you are referring to "marrying even after the child-bearing years and of being realistic in expectations and dating someone within one's age range" and that your friend is looking for someone substantially younger?
ReplyDeleteIf you think that your friend is being advised incorrectly then I think you should gently tell him so. He may also be questioning the advice inside and appreciate another opinion.
It's hard to say without knowing the advice, but if it's your good friend and the advice they received is truly wrong, it seems that you are obligated to advise them of that fact. If I received poor advice and other friends heard it, I would hope they would tell me...
ReplyDeleteIf you can give the advice in a gentle way that will not seem like you are putting him down, I would certainly do it. If it does have to do with unreallstic expectations, that can be difficult. People do not want to hear that they cannot expect a 20 year old/a model/a millionaire/etc. That doesn't mean they don't NEED to hear it.
ReplyDeleteif you think the advice is not a good one, then why not explain to him why you think that way.
ReplyDeleteShow him some solid arguments to support your advice not to follow that other advice.
You should call him up, invite him over and tell him you have something to discuss with him. Then you should tell him that you have been thinking over what he told you, and that on reflection, you do not agree with the advice the other person gave him.
ReplyDeleteExplain why -- as clearly yet tactfully as you can -- without outright telling him that the person who gave him advice was a nincompoop in your opinion.
If the advice you would give him might in any way be hurtful to him, "sandwich" it between two positive and complimentary statements about him, to take away the sting.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I think I will be bringing up the subject again. It won't be easy countering the advice from an extremely chashuveh sources (from Israel). But, the advice he was given is the same advice that some singles give themselves, and these other wonderful singles have been unmarried for so many years it is painful to put a number to the reality.
ReplyDeleteYou must tell him- Lifnei Ever Lo Titen Michsal.
ReplyDeleteSigh...
ReplyDeleteI hate always having the last word.
I respect that you haven't discussed the advice that this young man received. Yet, if you wish to help and not hinder his search, it might be worthwhile to help him focus on what and where he views himself? IOW, where is he heading? What is his plan-long term kollel, rebbe, chinuch, rabbanus,safrus or a secular career? what is his background-FFB, BT or someone who has upgraded his level of committment ( "flip out")? What is the hashkafic viewpoint of his parents ?WADR, a frum mental health professional might be of extraordinary help, in addition to a well-meaning friend.
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