Be Proactive, Not Reactive

Rosie has been pointing me to some interesting excerpts and stories in the Hamodia (thank you for being my eyes and ears). I was able to take a peek at one story she pointed me too. In the magazine, there is an article by Rebbitzen Tzipporah Heller and in the last paragraph she pleads with wives to stop their husbands from committing fraud (she notes that not such a small number of frum men are behind bars) by being alert to spending that doesn't add up and, where suspicious, confronting the husband and putting a stop to it.

The story that preceded this warning, was unfortunately rather convoluted. Although I certainly was pleased to see that at least one magazine is broaching the subject of fraud, I prefer a more direct approach and this wasn't it! The story, as laid out by the Rebbitzen, featured a couple that started off life with the struggles of a kollel family. The husband later entered the insurance business and yet as the tuition bills grew, the struggles never really let up. Yet, each big-0 birthday featured a rather large gift and the wife starts to think perhaps she should ask questions, but doesn't. (Hope I got that right).

At least on my end, the every-10-year-large-gifts really didn't raise my suspicion that there was something fishy going on (e.g. at 40 they took a trip to Israel and at 50 he bought his wife a large candelabra--as I recall). Sure, the numbers might not add up, but 1. a large ever 10 year gift is not particularly out of reach and 2. there was no other indication of regular expenses that should serve as warning signs (large mortgage, luxury cars, bling). The only real large and unaffordable expense that the story touched on is completely ordinary in our own society that it fails to raise a red flag, even if it should. (That expense: TUITION).

The article made me think just how unqualified your average woman is to detect her husband's fraud, especially where it is more subtle, and how needed advice and approaches must be much more concrete. Additionally, I don't care at all for the idea of getting suspicious and then confronting one's spouse. Why not suggest a more healthy, normal approach to *family* finance and be involved as a matter of course, not a matter of suspicion?

What I see as the real issue is that too many women simply aren't involved in their own financial lives and are at risk to be blindsided (and not just with something unusual like having the authorities show up one morning at your door to arrest your husband, but with something more usual like hitting the point of insolvency because of mounting debt). Some women don't want to worry their heads about such financial matters and prefer ignorance. Some women like to excuse their lack of involvement with some sort of "religious" excuse. Some husbands feel more manly when they deal with the money. . . . even when the wife is the primary income earner. Whatever the reason for non-involvement, if things go wrong the battle will have to be waged on a steep uphill grade.

The bottom line in my book is that if both spouses are not involved with the budget, that the family is not just susceptible to getting caught on criminal charges, but running their financial lives into the ground. I would say this is even moreso when one party's relationship to money comes from looking at what "everyone" else is doing, rather that taking a look at the only thing that really matters: the black and red budget!

So here is my advice: don't be on the lookout for fraud and in the position where you have to "confront" your husband (spouse), get involved in your own finances:

*take an active role in your financial life from day one. If you haven't taken a role up to this point, make it your duty to start being a part of this area of your life. Division of duty can still fall to whoever is best suited for the job, but neither spouse should be in the dark.

*always spend within your means and make guidelines for savings and debt. I don't believe every 10 year gifts are the trigger for fraud. My professional background and experience tell me that it is the regular expenses. So, make it a priority to not yourself on a path of monthly struggle.

*maintain balance sheets of assets and debts. Gifts can be a surprise, but there should be no mystery as to where the money to buy such a gift materialized from.

*learn about the industry that your spouse is engaged, what can be expected income in terms of income as well as other relevant information about the business. It is fairly standard practice for wives/spouses to be involved in the finances of a family owned business or even partnership.

*make integrity and honestly a focus of your marriage.

*don't pressure a spouse to provide what is not reasonable (see above regarding knowing what is reasonable).

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