Tzniut Meme

MominIsrael has tagged me with a tzniut meme. I believe I'm venturing into new territory on this blog since the only subject I believe we have discussed here re: tzniut is tzniut in demonstrating wealth (or the facade of wealth, as is often the case). The subject is a timely one since it is getting hotter and hotter outside and dressing within the confines of halacha can be a challenge, no matter what you believe the confines of halacha are. And while I have good reason to believe that the halacha is more forgiving than many would like to believe it is, tzniut is nevertheless a challenge.

For married women, do you dress by the same standards as you did when you got married?
For married women, do you dress by the same standards as you did when you got married? Also for married women, do you and your husband conflict about this issue?
Do you often feel uncomfortable when you are in the company of a group keeping higher or lower standards than you?

But "tzniut," as it pertains to dress, seems to be as largely defined by social constructs as by halacha, if not more so. I believe that if you ran into me at the grocery store, you would see a person who is well within the boundaries of the halacha. While my identifiably Orthodox way of dress lets the non-Orthodox and non-Jewish world know I am observant, it also lets those well within the Orthodox world draw their own conclusions too.

I'm blessed to have friends from across the spectrum of Orthodoxy. I think dressing in a "moderate" way (hair covered, skirts, long sleeves) opens up the doors of general acceptance. On the other hand, I have felt quite excluded from certain cliques also and I believe that the exclusion hinges, in many ways, on the manner in which I dress. While I don't desire to be part of this type of clique (I hated middle school for a reason), rejection never feels good either.

So what do I lack? Both major ingredients of "respectability:" fashionable/high class clothing and a sheitel to top off the package. Let's just say I'm not dressed to the Nine's and I'm no "Hot Chanie." I think a non-sheitel wearer cannot be a Hot Chanie by definition.

My lack of both stems from my disinterest in fashion, innate practicality, and budget consciousness. When I buy clothing, I expect to wear it for at least 3-5 years. So anything I wouldn't be caught dead in next season won't make it into my closet. Of course, this makes me into a bit of a plain Jane. I also spend my days running errands, running after my kids, getting spit up on, playing ball, or doing chores. I need comfortable clothing and a pair of tennis shoes, not suits and high heels.

The decision to cover my hair only with hats/tichels, as opposed to a sheitel, was made towards the beginning of our marriage. There was a strong halachic aspect to it, as many Sephardi Rabbis (but not all) do not like sheitals. When we first married, my husband would have been fine with an inexpensive sheitel, but I wasn't comfortable in a sheitel that looked like a sheitel, and we weren't forking over thousands of dollars for a hairpiece that seemed to defeat the purpose, especially when I was not going to be working for the foreseeable future. Sometimes I become a bit sad or self-conscious because I am the only one without a sheitel at many events. At this point, getting a sheitel is a non-discussion item. We don't believe it is the ideal way to cover ones hair and unless I end up working outside my home again, I don't think we will be re-visiting the subject.

What is really sad, strange, etc, is that I don't feel self-conscious or different when I am spending time around shomer Shabbat people holding on a "lower" level. I only seem to experience this discomfort around those on a "higher" level. Of course, assuming "lower" and "higher" are covering all the right parts, I'm only talking about perception because many times there is more social construct to the dress than halacha. Of course, if we are eating in certain homes and they really hold a stricter opinion on stockings for example, I will put on a pair even if it is 100 degrees outside to respect their standards. But, I'm not doing to wear a beautiful suit on a Tuesday or buy a sheitel to meet their standards.

How accepting is your community of women who "deviate" from the generally accepted mode of dress?

I'm fortunate to live in a community with a broad ranges of what is acceptable. I'm probably middle of the road with much of what I do. But in any large community, there are sub-groups who set their own standards of how one should dress, which prompted some of my comments above. I'd say outside of a select few, really most people are fairly accepting.

If you have a daughter, has tzniut become an issue yet?
Have your standards changed from when you were growing up, and why?

Our daughter is far too young to worry about tzniut yet. I think you need to be able to consistently use the bathroom for such to become a concern. But, I'm sure it will become a balancing act. Growing up, I was extremely athletic and participated in competitive sports. This is something our own daughters won't be able to do, at least at the same level. If they get my genes and inherit my drive, we have our work cut out for us. :) But I'm not worried now. I just wish there was a school that offer PE more than once a week. With so little physical activity that is offered, the bigger challenge will probably be making sure that all of our kids (boys and girls) get enough exercise.

I'm tagging: OutofTown and Debt and Life.