The Parenting Crisis III
Bribing vs. Motivating

A commenter name "Black Hatter" comments on my post about Gedolim Cards titled The Parenting Crisis II illustrates just how deep the "Parenting Crisis" is. Incidently, I coined this phrase all by myself because I do believe that parenting is in crisis mode today.

Black Hatter writes:
One more point. Gedolim cards have became
our parenting tool."If you go to sleep on time, you'll get a pack"If you don't
clean up, your NOT getting cards""stop fighting or your not getting cards."

I (SephardiLady) respond:
It is very dangerous territory to enter
where you parent by bribing to get good behavior, rather than rewarding good
behavior.What a parent should be doing is motivating. And, the examples you gave
are clearly not motivating. Motivation can include a reward, but what you listed
is not that. After a little back and forth,

Black Hatter asks:
do
you have at home 4 rowdy boys + 1 girl who tries to keep up with them, all under
the age of 9????????

I answer:
I don't think the number of children
that I have under the age of 9 is relevant. Parenting is about the long term and
whether you have 1 child under 9 or 6 children under 9 the goal is the same.

Black Hatter comes back to describe the scene in his home:
The scene
at my house this morning:
My youngest is crying because he wants a bottle.
My daughter is fighting with my 2nd boy because he took her doll away.
My middle one is jumping up and down screeching on top of his lungs.
My
oldest can't find his shoe and their bus is coming in 15 minutes....

Hey
boys - c'mon quiet down, OK OK I'll buy you each a pack of cards if you make it
on the school bus..Deafening silence. And they were at the bus stop 5 minutes
early.But it isn't "relevant". Right?

I once again will reiterate that the number of children is not relevant to this discussion. There are households with only one child that have more issues than 10 children can provide. What is relevant is a discussion of parenting methods and the pitfalls of some of them.

I'm sure we can all agree that when our children leave our homes that they are disciplined, mature, responsible, self-motivated, forward-thinking, respectable, and able to keep their emotions under control . Achieving all of this and more is no small feat. Parenting is probably the hardest job you will ever have. On top of siyata dishmaya, it requires consistency, structure, and a the self-discpiline on the parents' part to seek future results rather than immediate gratification. The opposition (i.e. your children) is cunning, persistant, and self-centered.

When a parent bribes a child to do a certain action (in this case get ready for school and get on the bus on time), he is basically playing into his children's vice characteristics. He is providing immediate gratification and stripping his children from experiencing the consequences of their actions (in this case missing the bus). As the children grow older, it is quite likely that their demands for what should be expected behavior (getting on the bus with backpack and lunch in hand) will continue to increase, knowing few boundaries.

What a parent really needs to do is motivate his* children to fulfill their responsibilites all by themselves. Motivation can include material rewards, but motivation is different than bribery in that motivation is forward-thinking and ingrains good habits. Bribery promotes immediate gratification, while doing nothing to ingrain good habits for the next day.

Another parenting issue is having low expectations and rewarding accomplishments that are just too small to reward with more than a compliment. Just recently I witnessed one of these parenting blunders. The parent promised the child a new toy for something that at his age he should be expected to do and do consistently. Maybe someday I will put our the question to my readers what chores they did at what ages. Today I see parents working themselves to the bone while the kids sit back and relax. Judging by some of the letters from parents of adult children to known frum columnists, the sitting back and relaxing extends well into adulthood and it is just unexceptable. But, children are not born complete. They are only raw materials and a parent must help shape them within the confines of their personality to become a mentsch.

I am certainly not a perfect parent, but I think the more that we all talk about parenting the more self-aware we will become of our own actions and the strong messages they send. While we all hopefully realize that sitting a child in front of a video so that we can get X, Y, or Z done, is lazy parenting, we often don't realize that fulfilling our children's demands and playing into their hands (you all know who is in charge, right?) is also a form of lazy parenting, parenting in the here and now.

That said, may I suggest a better way to approach the morning madhouse. Sit down and lay down the law. All children of elementary school age are responsible for getting their backpacks and lunches ready the night before school. When they wake up they are responsible for getting dressed, making their beds, eating breakfast, brushing their teeth, and getting to the bus stop with lunches and backpacks in hand. This behavior is expected and will be rewarded at the end of the week either through a small prize or a points systems that leads to an agreed upon, reasonable, and desired reward.

Now what happens if your children miss the bus? I'd be interested to hear some reasonable consequences. But, if it happened to my elementary school age son, they would have to pay me (or a cab) for their own ride to school. Obviously each child must have some of his own cash to be able to pay up, but if you choose not to provide your children with their own cash, I would suggest adding extra chores. Usually when something hits you in the pocketbook, it doesn't happen again. When I was young I broke something in my parents home and spent much of my summer working to pay back my parents. The lesson was learned well.

That's it for now. I look forward to seeing all of your comments after the weekend. Shabbat Shalom! Good Shabbos!

*I use the masculine form for simplicity.