Got Orthonomics in your Email Box?

Friday, May 12, 2006

Hishtadlut, Segulot, and Shidduchim II:
A Follow-Up

I believe that my post on Hishtadlut, Segulot, and Shidduchim has generated the most comments and possibly even traffic than any post to date so far. So, I thought it would be appropriate to follow the post up with a very, very short, real life story about this very subject and my response.

I was visiting my friend, a divorced lady who would very much like to be remarried, not too long after I wrote my last post. I wasn't sure how relevant my post was to real life until she began a conversation with me regarding her quest to marry.

She was recounting to me how so many women keep suggesting segulot for her to try to get married. It was difficult to keep a straight face being that I had only written the post on hishtadlut, shidduchim, and segulot days before.

She also told me how her friends are trying all sorts of segulot, but nothing is happening. Apparently, one friend of hers has flown to Israel to visit Amuka seven times. I really hope her friend did go on some dates after such an effort, because seven flights to varied locations could really gain a person a lot of exposure.

My response: Tell the ladies that suggest segulot to suggest shidduchim instead! I don't want to cast too many aspersions on segulot that I am not particularity educated in, but I do know that without dates, one is highly unlikely to get married even if they drink the entire cup of kallah's wine from sheva brachot. And, unfortunately, not one segulah suggestor, has suggested a shidduch.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have a question for you re: shidduchim.

I have met people who are searching for a shidduch, in various circumstances.

For example, I know one individual who is looking, and I am always asking for suggestions for this person. My spouse is always telling me to stop looking, because my spouse finds this person to be a bit hot tempered (no evidence that this person is violent by any means, just a bit easy to get upset when things don't go this person's way, or this person percieves that they have been embarassed, etc.).

Now, both myself and my spouse would not find it easy to handle a person like this for a week, much less forever, but my answer is that it is that just because my temperment would not be compatible with this person, why should I not help. I have met many people who are happily married, and I would NEVER want to be married to their spouse.

When I suggest somebody for this person, I always am sure to mention what the person is getting, so I never hide the temper issue.

Am I right? Should I continue to look for a spouse for a hot tempered person?

kasamba said...

Sephardilady, I run a new non profit shidduch office here in London. Our sixth shidduch has their L'chaim this evening. We have had scores couples going out. Not once during the shidduch process do ANY of our highly trained and professional staff mention segulos. What we do suggest is task based counseling for those singles who we feel have issues that impede their dating success.

SephardiLady said...

Mazal Tov Kasamba.

Anonymous-We have one hot tempered older friend that we have a difficult time putting up with, to say the least. So, I completely sympathize with your dilemna.

I have no good answers and if a person that you did think were compatible came along for your friend, I'd consult a Rav about what to say and what not to say.

themarykaygal said...

Kasamba--- GOOD FOR YOU!

Anon-- my husband could be considered "hot tempered". Baruch HaShem, we met long before either of us became frum..... I'm sure nobody would ever have thought to suggest him to me had we gone the traditional Orthodox shidduch dating route. Despite his problems with anger (don't we ALL have problems with SOMETHING?), he's the most wonderful person I've ever met and we're extremely happily married. There's someone out there for EVERYONE, I truly believe it. I know someone who's extremely mentally ill--- can't work, can't drive a car, has lots of emotional issues. She is VERY happily married to a very patient man who has his own shtick. The two of them are a beautiful couple. You just never know.

Sephardilady--- Segulos---- kind of like when people think it's smart to say to an infertile couple "just relax and it will happen", after they've already spent $28,000 on fertility treatments. YEAH. WHATEVER. Segulos are fine, but put some effort in as well.

I'm enjoying your blog!!! Let's talk by phone this week--- I've got all sorts of interesting stuff going on over here.

Daryl said...

basically im 20 in august and wondered whether any of you knew people in london who could maybe help me with shidduch or had any contacts who are looking or know people looking for a wife.
im a vet nurse so love animals, Im looking to settle down young and have a family, Im not fussy on who im looking for, just someone with a good personality, faithful honest, someone whos going to make me and my family happy and yeah someone who loves animals :)



If you know someone who may know someone also who is looking please get in touch

eastgyaldem@hotmail.co.uk