Got Orthonomics in your Email Box?

Monday, August 15, 2011

GOOD CHILDREN for only $12 a month

This. . . an email received from the Onlysimchas/Hidabroot (yes, my former policy of hints on this type of post is up. From now on, when I note a troubling trend in tzedakah and bring an example, I will just print). For only $12 a month you can buy good children GUARANTEED, by Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky himself. And, if you give your tzedakah/raffle/gambling dollars to this cause, you might be lucky enough to land $20K in cash and a Jerusalem penthouse to boot. Woot woot.

Text follows in its exact form. This is so outrageous. How can we return to the normative of teshuva, tefillah, tzedakah?

NEW!

GOOD CHILDREN

Now Only $12 a month*

GUARANTEED


* You May Also Get a Luxurious Penthouse
Apartment in Jerusalem Plus $20,000 to boot!

It’s Not a Joke.

It takes as little as $12 a month for the guarantee of being spared tza’ar gidul bonim to apply to you with the guarantor being HaRav Hagaon Rav Chaim Kanievsky Shlit”a.

Here’s why he made this kind of outrageous promise:.

Imagine it was a mitzvah to watch TV.

What was unimaginable only a few years ago is a living fact today: Inside the sea of filth and sheer idiocy there’s an island of honest-to-
goodness Yiddishkeit on television in Israel. What’s more, it’s available 24 hours a day.

How that happened is a story in itself.:

A little while ago, with the proliferation of cable channels, an obscure law was passed that obliged cable companies to designate a small percentage of air time to “community-oriented material.” That was the “crack in the dam” we needed.

After some difficult negotiations Hidabroot was let in. Of course we were severely warned against “proselytizing” secular Israelis to Yiddishkeit, “heaven forbid” … The mandate was limited to “show interesting stuff” about Judaism without ever trying to “convert” - or else!

Ah, but there was something they forgot!

They forgot that Yiddishe neshomas and Torah are one entity. Jews, secular or otherwise, are still Jews. The hidden spark inside the Jewish soul is so
powerful that Israelis needed no prompting to search further for their roots. All we needed to do was give them good, interesting programming about Judaism,
wrapped in modern terms. That’s all.

And so we gave it to them: Lectures
about gilgouley neshamos (incarnations) … how Kabbalah and science see the first days of בראשית… proof of life after death … the mysteries of
speech … the explosive power of thought according to Judaism … the secret meaning of Hebrew letters … astonishing demonstrations of Bible Code in
action,explain by a university professor of mathematics … plus lots more.

“It’s the highest- quality programming on television by far,” says Dvora Harel, a prominent graphologist (with “leftist leanings,” as she puts it).

“I could never imagine myself looking at programs about Judaism before, but the Hidabroot programs are really something else. They're fantastic.”

And so they called...

Every program of Hidabroot has a running “tickertape” on the bottom of the screen with our phone numbers for questions and further information. That is all the thirsty viewer needed.

Over twelve thousand people call for more information about Judaism every month … 7,500 questions of halachah are answered by Rabbonim every month … 9,000 packets of mail with books and discs on various subjects are mailed out – free of charge - every month …

Soon after we opened a web site to house past programs, and the rush was on: Over thirty thousand surfers visit the site every single day!

Next, we created a full schedule of live lectures with attendance of over 85,000 people who, as Rav Elyashiv Shlit"a said, “never heard of קריאת שמעbefore” filling the meeting halls.…

After a short while, a full-color magazine was published. – Within months it had over 12,000 subscribers.…

When 264,000 people demand more of a good thing

Viewership of the Hidabroot channel swelled to 264,000 people a day and they wanted more. A lot more.

In response to the growing demand, Hidabroot’s broadcast schedule grew to 24 hours a day of quality programming.

To the initial programming were added shows by popular Torah personalities such as Rav Zamir Cohen and Rav Uri Zohar, among others and those are quickly becoming a staple in growing number of Israeli homes.

Then the High Court stepped in and made us VITAL!

Christian missionaries had a cable TV show, but were taken off the air for proselytizing (which is against the Israeli law). Wouldn't you know it, the Israeli High Court put them right on air again. You see, “It isn’t democratic.”. Indeed…

So now there are Christian missionaries with unlimited funding behind them fishing for Jewish souls for 24 hours day!

Hidabroot is no longer just an option (if it ever was…). It’s a must!

Rav Shteinman shlit”a said, “Obviously Hidabroot is an absolute must!”

The Belzer Rebbe shlit”a said, “(We) have been waiting for 50 years for such a great thing. What others can accomplish only after a long time, (Hidabroot) can accomplish in a single day.”
“(Hidabroot) are doing incredible things,” said HaRav Ovadia Yossef shlit”a. “You (Hidabroot) are our messengers,.” said the Novominsker Rebbeshlit”a,
“Whatever you need, we will be by your side.”

The Catch

The only catch to the wonderful mandate Hidabroot got from the cable channels is … no commercials allowed. That means that there’s no way for Hidabroot to make any money and support itself.

This is why we come to you today: The costs of keeping Hidbroot running is 13 million dollars a year, and we have no way of making it without serious help from you.

This is why we decided to give you a luxurious penthouse apartment of your own in Jerusalem ... plus $20,000 for good measure.

Here's how it works.

The Great Hidabroot Giveaway. Your Kids Need It!

The world was always rife with "schmootz" and temptation –— except today it comes in without bothering to knock.

We need unbelievable siyata dishmaya to merit that our children
will sidestep all the horrible hurdles that face young people today and grow up good kids. With Hidabroot, this merit is at hand: Rav Chaim Kanievsky shlit”a promised this kind of heavenly help for anyone who supports Hidabroot in its effort to bring Hashem’s children back to Him.

Your donation of only $12 a month will buy you a ticket to the Great Hidabroot Penthouse Giveaway on October 31st when we’ll be raffling off a luxurious 2 floor penthouse in the center of Jerusalem.

The penthouse comes fully furnished, down to the curtains in the opulent living room and the closets and linen in the complete master bedroom. The kitchen is fully accessorized down to an automatic luxury coffee maker. The entire apartment is, of course, fully air conditioned!

But that is not all!

...Just to keep you interested, until then we’ll also be raffling off a few times the tidy sum of $5,000 in cash equalling $20,000 cash.

Buy now and get 2 raffle tickets for the price of one,
DOUBLING YOUR CHANCES TO WIN just by being an early bird! Use Promo

Code: OSAUGX2.

The choice is simple:

Without you, – Jewish souls who look for meaning in their lives will continue to flounder, ready victims to soul-snatchers of shmad, sanctioned by the “enlightened" Israeli High Court.…

With you, there’s Hidabroot. A beacon of Yiddishkeit that shows
Jewish neshamos. in their own livingrooms, the treasure that's waiting for them to be picked up and used.

...They desperately need it.

...We desperately need it.

...Hashem needs it.

...But most of all, according to Rav Chaim Kanievsky, your children need it more than anyone.

Click Here to join us today. or call 1-877-HIDABROOT ( 1-877-443-2276 ) NOW!

To get the “double your chances” promo you must enter this code: OSAUGX2

14 comments:

AriSparkles said...

12 bucks a month for a premium cable channel you can't get here?

Anonymous said...

Can I assume that Rav Kanievsky will do something about the ADHD and mild Asperger's my kid has, which is the root cause of pretty much all the "tza’ar gidul bonim" he causes? Because $12/month is a lot less than we pay his therapist, so this sounds like a really good deal.

Anonymous said...

Does the penthouse come with a playmate? I mean, now that my child is well behaved and everything, he'll need someone to play with.

tesyaa said...

What I don't understand about all these enticements is that they make it seem like the tzedaka is not really a worthwhile cause, so it needs to be all dolled up with a raffle or whatever. Frum Jews give maaser anyway. If a cause is so vital, shouldn't publicity alone, without the dumb enticements and promises be enough?

Zach Kessin said...

The level of bad writing alone was enough to make me want to stop reading.

Miami Al said...

This is well written and clever.

It's a reals like a well written email marketing piece, designed to sell. It's a constant call to action, and pitches multiple angles until the close.

This is how you would sell a product geared to poor people on the Internet.

Look at the pitch, ask for little money, like an infomercial.

Lay out a scenario.

Lay on the affiliate connection (lots of Yiddish words that even one totally ignorant of Yiddish knows).

Play the victim card.

Ask for the sale.

Anonymous said...

ummmm, "Hashem needs it."?????

not sure i've ever heard such a statement of outright blasphemy in a 'tzedakah' (our profit model is that we coast on the generosity of suckers like you) advertisement. subtle blasphemy? sure. seemingly well-meaning neutral statements that, upon further examination turn out to be antithetical to jewish principles? all the time! but this one really takes the cake, no?

Orthonomics said...

As one of my occasional commentors and a blogger himself says: just when you think a new low has been reached, something else comes along.

This is a new low. "Hashem needs it." "Your kids need it". And it is GUARANTEED.

Commenter Abbi said...

What is up with this "explosive power of thought according to Judaism"? I've heard some charedi friends talking about these parenting classes they're going to that teach this "power of positive thinking" and some sort of weird thing with colors that seems to be the key to parenting your kids today in the charedi world. Ugh. Not impressed with the results.

Mr. Cohen said...

“The only catch to the wonderful mandate Hidabroot got from the cable channels is … no commercials allowed.”

I do not understand why or how the cable company would decree that any of its shows not have any advertisers.

The only explanation I can think of (which might not be correct) is anti-Judaism bias.

Shmuel Landesman said...

Somehow, I strongly suspect that Rav Chaim Kanievsky has no idea how his name is being used (Or misused.)

Orthonomics said...

Shmuel, I'm certain misused. I'm sure the Rabbi is completely unaware, because if so he'd have to scream from the top of his lungs.

tesyaa said...

Shmuel Landesman and Orthonomics, why are you so sure that Rabbi Kanievsky is not aware of this? You have to at least consider the possibility that the leadership is lacking.

Esther77 said...

You know, I received that e-mail and I was going to forward it to you! Glad you posted this - how ridiculous!