Pushers

My vote in answer to the YWN letter writer's question is the police (I do want to believe the letter writer is just pulling legs with this letter. I've never seen drugs laid out on a lunch table in the really rough public school I attended for a summer. Smokers, (drug) users, and dealers had the sense to go across the street, a place I sure as heck wasn't going to).

1) the police because they are the only ones with the authority, capability, and know-how to take care of the PUSHER(S). There is no doubt in my mind that a drug dealer is a rodef. I have life experience to stand on as well as some professional experience. But those who are uncertain are more than welcome to ask their Rav. While I don't care in the least for users, PUSHERS are a different sort of animal. Drug pushers are the ones who entice the young and seek to addict them. PUSHERS infect a community. And PUSHERS are often entangled in a messy and dangerous web. I wouldn't approach a pusher directly. I would absolutely seek professional advice from people who understand the drug trade and have some experience regarding pushers and dealers.

I can't remember ever commenting on the Japan bochurim case, but let's not forget that behind those boys was a grand PUSHER. Millions of tzedakah dollars and a lot of energy has been expended by kehillot all over the world regarding that case. A shame that the PUSHER was allowed to operate in at least somewhat of an open manner.

As for telling a Rebbi Parents, and Menahelim, I'd say that they should all be informed too, but probably after seeking the advice of the police (even if you don't involve the police, I think you can still call the police department to ask for guidance). It is hard to know how enmeshed in the drug trade the boy with the scale is and if his point of access is coming from within the community or from the outside.

One thing that I know should NOT be done is to approach the boys directly to befriend them in hopes of "changing their [lives]." Save you compassion and chessed for issues you understand and have the capability of dealing with. As my parents told me before going into high school, [and I'm dating myself, so younger readers, don't feel bad if you miss the reference], "you are not to go near, talk to, or be friends with anyone who wears a beeper." These kids had drugs and a scale out of the table. That is the signal to stay away! You aren't speculating about the use of the beeper. It is right in front of your face. I think PUSHERS are best dealt with by the police, but a person is welcome to talk to the baalei simcha hosting this mess, the wedding hall director, the (kashrut) mashgiach since the boys brought in outside drink, the boys parents, teachers, and menahelim. But befriending the boys; I give that the royal thumbs down.

How Rude and Insensitive:
Charging Guests for Attending the Sheva Brachot

Recently my friends were invited to a Sheva Brachot. I use the word invited liberally because the truth is that they were asked to contribute over $150 to the affair. Actually, I take that word back too. Contribute is clearly the incorrect term as contribute would indicate that the amount named was voluntary. Perhaps I should rephrase the entire sentence to read: Recently my friends were told that if they wanted to attend the Sheva Brachot for a certain chatan and kallah, that they would be charged $150 to attend.

Now, lest someone misconstrue my thoughts, I will state clearly and unequivocally that I believe that there is nothing wrong with the hosts of a Sheva Brachot to ask the guests to bring a dish or drinks to share. I have hosted Sheva Brachot and am well aware of the enormous amount of energy (and funds) that it takes to put together even a modest Sheva Brachot. Baruch Hashem, many wonderful friends put together Sheva Brachot for my husband and I when we got married and I can't think of a more appropriate way to return their kindness than to follow their example and be mesameach other chatanim and kallot.

But, this Sheva Brachot was clearly not the type of Sheva Brachot of the "average fold": A Sheva Brachot gathering that usually consists of inviting a minyan and their wives (if they are so lucky) to a private home for a seudah prepared by the host(s) or a modest seudah in a modestly priced restaurant. This Sheva Brachot was a continuation of the wedding, a Sheva Brachot for the "rich and famous."

However, I can't imagine the "rich and famous" charging their guests and entrance fee to participate in their affair. But, for whatever reason (some possibilities might including impressing the mechutanim, catering to the desires of their son, or peer pressure), this family of average means felt it necessary to "keep up with the Goldberg's" and put on quite the party, using one of the best and most expensive caterer in town, for their 21 year old chatan and his kallah.

Somehow, the very fact that "we" in the frum community find it appropriate to go beyond our means in creating the "Hollywood Wedding" followed by the "Hollywood Sheva Brachot" for "our" children who have yet to pay even their own electric or gas bill, nor even have any idea how much a monthly electric or gas bill might run, adds insult to injury.

Certainly a wedding is a milestone and an accomplishment. But, it seems very inappropriate to me to charge such an exorbitant admission prices for the Sheva Brachot of anyone, much less of couple barely out of their teenage years that plans on being spending the next few years of their life together in kollel, sacrificing the comforts purportedly being enjoyed by ba'alabatim the world over (I have yet to meet these numerous ba'alabatim).

So, if you will excuse me, I'll choose to save my $150 and look to spend it on a milestone anniversary that deserves to be rewarded with an extravagant 5 star meal which we will eat in each other's presence, rather than at separate tables. In the meantime, if you invite us to your Sheva Brachot, feel free to request I bring along a culinary creations. But, if you are looking for $150 a couple to pay for your "Hollywood Sheva Brachot," we will not be attending.

An Individual Perspective (Post III of III on Tax Credits)

For many of us, discussing the exact nature of our own financial situation is about the most private subject that could be discussed for a variety of reasons. Many of the reasons to keep finances private are praiseworthy. But, in some instances one can deceive themselves and their children of the nature of their financial system and in an effort to hide the truth from themselves (and their children), they end up working themselves into a situation that is so bad that they are only hiding the truth from themselves.

I have observed a trend in which people unintentionally deceive themselves (and their children) into believing their financial situation is either better or worse than it actually is. I use the word unintentional because I do not believe that the "deception" is neither purposeful nor malicious. It is just a facet of human nature.

In general society I do not see a bias towards believing a financial situation is better or worse than it really is. Unfortunately, in the Orthodox world I see a trend towards believing that their financial situation is better than it actually is, and we often believe that the situation of those around us is just like ours.

In my world an Adjusted Gross Income of $75,000 is quite high (I should note here that I heard the tax credit starts phasing out around $75,000, but is available in smaller amounts through $90,000). And, considering the fact that so many people in our communities begin their marriages and have children before they have completed their educations and have established careers, I can only guess that I am not alone in believing that an AGI of $75,000 will not be reached by many of our community members who, not even established themselves, are already faced with massive tuition bills.

This post really is not as loaded as the previous two posts and was just meant to make the point that one often erroneously believes that those around them are in essentially the same boat as they are financially (some examples to follow). And to understand the impact that a tax credit will have, they one must look beyond him/herself and get the facts about other people.

-->When we first married we lived in an area highly populated by kollel couples. Oftentimes the converation turned to how much WIC one received and for what. In this subset of community, there was an assumption that everyone in the room was on assistance. It wasn't uncommon to be asked what type of WIC you were getting. Incidently, not everyone in the room was on assistance, but it is certainly eye opening to be part of a discussion you can't partake in.

-->Recently while in the store, the clerk behind the counter had to match my credit card to my ID and noticed my card was unique and asked out it. I was explaining that we took out this card because it places money in an investment account and has really benefited us. The man behind me then started telling me how I really need to be careful about this credit card company because their interest rate is high and how we could get a much better interest rate from a different company. Being that we do not carry any credit card debt and that we only charge what there is cash in the bank to pay for, the conversation struck me as odd. But, then I remembered that my husband was privy to an entire discussion with this man and others about refinancing homes to pay off credit card debt and other expenses (tuition would be one of the expenses) and how there was an assumption that everyone there could relate.

For now I will wish my readers a good night and leave you to ponder my ideas above.

A Communal Perspective on the Proposed New York State Tax Credit (Post II of III)

It is imperative that we do not look at ourselves solely as individuals in regards to any potential tuition relief, whether that tuition relief comes from within the community or from outside the community. While not every family or individual will benefit from every program (we won't, since we are blessed to live "out of town"), the fact remains that the community as a whole will benefit. And, when the community as a whole benefits, we all benefit.

We benefit when struggling couples have a few more dollars available when their bills come due, creating less tension in their households. We benefit when it is easier for parents to meet their tuition obligations, thereby making it easier for our institutions to meet their obligations to their staff. We benefit when married children don't have to turn to their parents for help, leaving relationships and dignity in tact. We benefit when parents can afford to turn down an extra dollar here and there and spend more time with their children.

I believe that the already astronomical and rising tuition costs are by far the most pressing issue in the religious community. The Tuition Crisis is not just about money, it is about the emotional wreckage and hate that the tuition situation creates. It is an issue that drives people away from Torah. It causes us to look at our neighbors with derision and suspicion. It causes us to place blame on different doorsteps and drives a wedge between us, making it near impossible to unite and work together as a community (the only way to achieve any success).

The fact that we don't have the compassion to understand that many of our neighbors are struggling is a huge tragedy and a failure of chinuch. We are not in the position to turn up our noses at even small amounts of relief, whether they benefit us or not.

In addition, we do not know what the future holds. If the NYS Teach's Tax Credit comes to fruition and proves successful in improving the academic situation of students in failing school districts in New York state (a benefit for all of America no matter what your race, religion, or ethnicity), even more beneficial programs could come to fruition such as the proposed $3,500 Golden-Lopez bill that our kind poster Michael alerted us to.

Let's not pass up an opportunity to show compassion for our fellow Americans and our fellow Jews. I join Orthomom in urging all those who can attend the rally to do so. And, I urge all of you who are in contact with members of our community who are not supportive of the rally to educate them about the suffering tuition is causing and urge them to have a change of heart.