Let's Be Honest

This week's Yated as well as last week's Yated featured letters from part time kollel wives of large families telling readership that it is possible to "make it" and be happy on a very, very limited income. I don't doubt the joy that the parents receive from their choices, but when it comes to the money situation, I find myself a bit annoyed because the approach is a bit disingenuous, for lack of a better word.

The letter writer from the previous week wrote about full-time working women (whom she accuses of buying fancy clothing and having lots of household help) end up forcing their husband's out into the working world quicker than the part-time teachers/secretaries/etc. Perhaps some of these full-time working women are unnecessarily materially indulgent, but even if they weren't, the mere fact that they work full-time work likely changes their kollel equation. Likely, the women working part-time in frum schools are receiving a number of government benefits that their counterparts working full time aren't receiving. Each income threshold you pass eliminates another government benefit, including benefits that people often forget about, namely the Earned Income Tax Credits (both Federal and State) that you don't have to apply for in the same way you apply for WIC or Food Stamps.

Full-time work (with no parent at home) normally require a great deal of costly around the clock child care or household help. Once you add in a commute and no longer work core hours, to say nothing of having care that extends to cover all of the many days the kids have off from school, you simply face a different financial equation than the wife who can work 3-4 hours a day 10-15 minutes down the street.

And, few people drop off used clothing to "rich" families.

The following is this week's letter. I wish I had the Chinuch Roundtable discussion discussing whether or not children are negatively affected. But, I think that after reading this, we can conclude that whether or not her children are being negatively affected, the SCHOOLS are being affected because she can't pay tuition. She might talk a nice talk about how important chinuch is and how teachers should be paid. . ... . . . but she isn't paying in full, on time, every time!

CONTENT WITH WHAT WE HAVE
Dear Editor,
I enjoyed reading last week’s Yated Chinuch Roundtable discussion which focused on the kollel lifestyle: husbands learning, wives working, and the possibility of children being negatively affected. Many important points were mentioned, and I found them all very interesting. Please allow me to express some of my thoughts and feelings as a person living the lifestyle under discussion.

My husband has been learning in kollel for the past fifteen years. We have nine children between the ages of one and thirteen years. I work hard - very hard - at home and as a part-time teacher in a girls’ seminary. I love my life, and there’s no one else I’d rather be.

Our home, a four-bedroom rented apartment, can be described as “yeshivish.” It’s old and simple, warm and cozy, and I love being in it. So do my children’s friends, who are always welcome, including overnight and for Shabbosos. I don’t have to worry about anyone jumping
on the couch or ruining any furniture, because I got it for free, and it’s not too gorgeous.

We don’t spend much on anything that’s not absolutely necessary. Secondhand clothing suits us fine. We have some toys from here and there. What else do we need? Briefcases and even loose-leaves can be reused from last year, and when they can’t, we buy new ones (not the Hello
Kitty ones or whatever other expensive brand might be in style now).


The only thing I wish I had more money for is my children’s tuition. Their mechanchim are so dedicated and hardworking, and they deserve to be paid. The schools are so considerate. They politely mail us a bill every month, but they never apply any kind of pressure. I don’t like to take advantage of their kindness. I hope someday to be able to pay back every penny we owe them. That’s on my mind a lot.

If I had loads of money, I could send my kids off to day camp during the summer and enjoy some hours of peace and quiet to get my work done in the mornings. But that’s not an option, so instead we stay home and my girls make a day camp for the neighborhood children. It’s
fun, and it’s a lot of mess and noise, and yes, I do work much harder, and that’s okay. My children are content with what we’re doing. I’m not making this up. You can ask them.

We don’t have cleaning help. When there’s money available, I get much more pleasure out of paying the people who teach my children than paying somebody to wash my floors. I do what I can, and the house is not completely clean and neat. Some of your readers may be horrified
to hear that, but it’s the truth and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Life is too short and too precious to dedicate to something that doesn’t last, and a spotless house doesn’t last at all. Not with nine kids living in it. And even if somebody does manage to keep her house looking perfect, so what?
What’s so great about that?


People often comment that my children are so happy. I’m trying to analyze why. Maybe it’s a free gift from Hashem. Maybe they’re happy because their parents are happy. They don’t get many expensive presents or go on major trips (we don’t have a car), but we try to give them
little things here and there, and they’re very grateful. Once in a while, I sneak a treat into their briefcases at night with a note telling them that I love them. When they come home, they thank me happily. Once, we passed one of those outdoor rides - you know, those trains or animals
that move and sing when you insert two quarters. They jumped on, about seven or eight kids at once - on top, on the sides, in the back - and held on tightly as I put the money in. One of my little girls said, “Mommy, you’re so nice. You’re spending your money on us!” She’s such a
cutie pie.

My work outside of the home does tire me out, and yes, it’s possible that as a result, I have less time and energy for my children, but they don’t seem to be suffering too much. In fact, I asked
them once or twice if there’s any other family they’d prefer to be in, and they all answered clearly, “No!” (They also told me that probably all kids like their own families best.)

My work means a lot to me, but my family definitely comes first, and if my child’s class is having a Chanukah play or a graduation on a day that I work, I miss work and attend the performance.

Every word of Torah that my husband learns is a treasure, and I’m so happy to be earning it with him. I feel so lucky. Thank You, Hashem, for my good life.


I’m attaching a poem that I read at a fundraising tea organized by the PTA of my children’s school. Your readers might enjoy it.

Wishing all of Klal Yisroel joy and blessing always,

Chavie H.

Just Sad

Last week I wrote a post about the potential elimination of an after-school voucher program intended for families unable to care for their children for mental health type of issues. The program seems to basically benefit yeshiva/Bais Yaakov type schools and the proposed elimination has the Agudah screaming bloody murder. While the Agudah screams about funding cuts (delivering 30,000 letters from community members), I'm screaming about the tremendous level of dependency which is quite detrimental to the Orthodox community, certainly as detrimental as funding cuts.

Now the NY Times is running yet another installment on this budget issue and I can't help but just feel a great amount of sorrow. Here are some quotes on record:

• A mother of 11 who has 5 children on Priority 7 vouchers says: "If I didn’t have it, my head would spin. It gives me time to take care of my other children.”
• An administrator of a school with an after school program: “People don’t earn a lot of money. In some small apartments, some children come home to 11, 12 people in the family. I really think without after-school care, the children will probably go crazy. There will be parents and children who have to start taking pills. It’s really going to affect them tremendously.”

Let me make this clear. I like large families. But this is just a sad "report" (if accurate and in context) on the State of the Union. I can't even imagine being an elementary school child and being unable to return home after school to my own home where my own mother/father is because she can't handle having me around.

If there are so many families are truly in over their heads (article mentions another 1422 families on the waiting list in addition to the 2000 using the program), I think the community leadership needs to actually deal with that issues beyond trying to protest funding cuts. The solution to all problems can't be to spend money, either government funds that might be cut or personal funds that might run short.

I don't have the solution on how to raise a family of 11 or 12 children in an apartment in Brooklyn. I do know that when you are facing difficult issues, that it is ultimately better to learn a new skill set.

Taxpayers aren't going to be happy to read this report either.

An Individual Perspective (Post III of III on Tax Credits)

For many of us, discussing the exact nature of our own financial situation is about the most private subject that could be discussed for a variety of reasons. Many of the reasons to keep finances private are praiseworthy. But, in some instances one can deceive themselves and their children of the nature of their financial system and in an effort to hide the truth from themselves (and their children), they end up working themselves into a situation that is so bad that they are only hiding the truth from themselves.

I have observed a trend in which people unintentionally deceive themselves (and their children) into believing their financial situation is either better or worse than it actually is. I use the word unintentional because I do not believe that the "deception" is neither purposeful nor malicious. It is just a facet of human nature.

In general society I do not see a bias towards believing a financial situation is better or worse than it really is. Unfortunately, in the Orthodox world I see a trend towards believing that their financial situation is better than it actually is, and we often believe that the situation of those around us is just like ours.

In my world an Adjusted Gross Income of $75,000 is quite high (I should note here that I heard the tax credit starts phasing out around $75,000, but is available in smaller amounts through $90,000). And, considering the fact that so many people in our communities begin their marriages and have children before they have completed their educations and have established careers, I can only guess that I am not alone in believing that an AGI of $75,000 will not be reached by many of our community members who, not even established themselves, are already faced with massive tuition bills.

This post really is not as loaded as the previous two posts and was just meant to make the point that one often erroneously believes that those around them are in essentially the same boat as they are financially (some examples to follow). And to understand the impact that a tax credit will have, they one must look beyond him/herself and get the facts about other people.

-->When we first married we lived in an area highly populated by kollel couples. Oftentimes the converation turned to how much WIC one received and for what. In this subset of community, there was an assumption that everyone in the room was on assistance. It wasn't uncommon to be asked what type of WIC you were getting. Incidently, not everyone in the room was on assistance, but it is certainly eye opening to be part of a discussion you can't partake in.

-->Recently while in the store, the clerk behind the counter had to match my credit card to my ID and noticed my card was unique and asked out it. I was explaining that we took out this card because it places money in an investment account and has really benefited us. The man behind me then started telling me how I really need to be careful about this credit card company because their interest rate is high and how we could get a much better interest rate from a different company. Being that we do not carry any credit card debt and that we only charge what there is cash in the bank to pay for, the conversation struck me as odd. But, then I remembered that my husband was privy to an entire discussion with this man and others about refinancing homes to pay off credit card debt and other expenses (tuition would be one of the expenses) and how there was an assumption that everyone there could relate.

For now I will wish my readers a good night and leave you to ponder my ideas above.