From Bad to Worse, Way Worse

(Sorry, not the final post on the hot topic at hand)

I'm going to make a prediction that ideas have consequences. The day will come (i.e. watch your mailboxes) where someone opens a "long overdue" tzedakah to provide "free" plastic surgery to 24 + year old, perfectly healthy girls who haven't yet married. Throw money at it is always the name of the game. Of course, the defenders will defend the solution "if it just helps one single. . . . . . "

One surgeon alone, based on the recommendations of shadchanim who feel their clients aren't marketable, will not be able to provide enough pro-bono surgery to "plain" girls who are in need of surgery, and it is unlikely that others will step up to this (potentially career ending) plate. So, a tzedakah will be commissioned. Those who "can afford" will drain funds affording. Those who can't quite afford will borrow. And some hachnasat kallah fund will be opened up for the rest.

Rabbinic leaders: now is the time to open up a blog about culture, pen a letter, and do so q-u-i-c-k-l-y. This is a halachic issue (the doc claims he will only work with those who come with refernces from shadchanim and Rabbis). This is an issue of culture. This is the yellow brick road to accepting eugenics, etc and changing the nation of the klal forever.

You think I'm exaggerating. . . . the doctor is drumming up quite a bit of support over at VIN.

On the subject of post-marriage (once the flowers have wilted and the enhancements have been eclipsed the effects of age and motherhood), check out this comment:

What about the ladies like myself who are having major marriage problems because of weight issues from having children. I had some c-sections and if I had a tummy tuck and lipo my husband might give me a chance. If only these guys would go into marriage loving their wives for who they are instead of their looks only and realize that things change, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation. I would take that surgery for free any day...

Tutorial in how NOT to make financial (or other) decisions

ProfK brings up the dirty subject of cleaning help, approving of this wife's methodology in "setting the matter". ProfK concludes her post, " we ought to take the issue of cleaning help out of the public discussion venue and put it back where it belongs--between husband and wife. To blithely put cleaning help into the category of unnecessary luxury or forbidden to those who get a tuition reduction, for instance, is to be blind to the individual circumstances that surround that cleaning help."

The individual circumstance in this case (and others) is the lack of relating as equals. Some signs that you might not be relating as equals:

1. Party one informs the other of their decision.

2. Party two person sets out to "teach a lesson".

3. Party one returns to the status quo.

If a marriage functions on such a methodology, making any change, financial or otherwise, is going to be very difficult.

I often say that something which looks like a financial issue is often just the cover for another issue and the financial aspect is only one manifestation. When it comes to thrift and developing more thrifty habits, certain approaches within a marriage may need to be modified and a more egalitarian approach might need to be implemented. The above scenario is "case in point."

I'd like to explore this issue more, but I'm running up against pushing my own limits as we continue to move from a more defined set of duties to a different model. We all come into marriage with our own 'mesorah' of how things are to function, and when we need or want to make a change, we need to understand what lies under the surface in order to actual broach the subject of change.

(Shabbat Shalom and Happy Pesach Cleaning).

JDeal: Saw You at Sinai

Back to regular blogging momentarily. In the meantime, I'm trying to work through about 20 work related emails, but when I caught this one I figured it was worth posting for my readers looking for a shidduch.

$22.42 for 3 month Saw You at Sinai Membership

The Disconnect

Rabbi Berel Wein wrote a JPost column this past week called THE DISCONNECT about the widening disconnect between leadership and the vast bulk of the Orthodox population. He points to a few issues and asks the populace to demand more from "those who claim the ability and knowledge to lead us." Quite frankly, I'm not certain which leaders Rabbi Wein thinks the populace should be demanding more from. What I am certain of is that there is a disconnect, especially from crowned leadership (that Americans are increasingly turning to, bypassing the LOR-Local Orthodox Rabbi) and even from the local Rabbinate who aren't particularly subject to the same demands.

There isn't much in the article that I want to blog about from the article, except to point out something that I'm not certain many 'leaders' are willing to admit (perhaps even to themselves? Leadership of some schools will tell people that the tuition burden is mostly shared even though there is much evidence to say that this is not the case). So it is nice to see some confirmation of what many in the populace believe to be true vis a vis tuition:

The tuition rates for attending Jewish schools are rapidly reaching the breaking point. A small percentage of parents – those who pay full or almost full tuition at schools – are subsidizing the rest of the parent body who cannot afford the astronomical amounts that are termed full tuition. But that group of people – those who can and do pay full tuition – is a rapidly diminishing breed. Instead of addressing this problem – the true time bomb that threatens the future of Torah education – we spread our wealth so thin that we are unable to help the situation.

An issue that Jewish Worker blogs about this week demonstrates this vast disconnect is regarding monetary needs/tzedakah and just how vast and broad the need is. Shas is working on a plan to provide life insurance under a group plan to kollel students. A monthly premium would be deducted from their checks to provide for this need. One would think such an idea would be embraced wholeheartedly. But, as per the Israeli Mishpacha, Rav Shteineman has come out against this plan claiming that it is the zechut of tzedaka to widows and orphans is saving the generation from destruction. As Jewish Worker rightfully points out, even where life insurance could take over from tzedakah, there is no shortage of need and suffering in the Chareidi community. Yet the answer to hishtadult is "no", which Jewish Worker points out is an answer of "let them suffer so we can do a mitzvah" because the needs of the community are growing exponentially.

Dr. E over at Cross-Currents, in response to Rabbi Wein's article, notes the following regarding the disconnect. . . and (dan l'chaf zechut), I can only conclude that Universally recognized great Torah minds are simply shielded from the realities of those that they lead, even if their pictures are plastered on proclamations and advertisements for certain tzedaka organizations. The math is staggering:

Focusing on that, how did it become that way? One obvious culprit is a creation called Askanim. Ma rabu maasecha Hashem! These are the gatekeepers and social engineers who are both the diagnosticians of the ills of our community as well as the technicians who deliver the therapy. They know what is best for the masses and exploit the name recognition of great people, filtering information in both directions. Believe it or not, here was a time in history when great Rabbinic luminaries answered their own phones, opened their own mail, read newspaper, and penned their own signatures after carefully reading the paragraphs above it. But, more importantly, they lived in the communities for whom they led, paskened for, and inspired. (It would make a great doctoral dissertation to pinpoint the year and place when the period of the Acharonim transitioned into the era of the Askanim.) While we have some great Poskim with encyclopedic minds covering the breadth and depth of Torah, they are prevented from developing the other main attribute of previous Gedolei Hador, which is “getting it”. As a result, we have a disconnect that spans not only across oceans but also across the street within one’s neighborhood. It is certainly possible to have Kavod Hatorah, while at the same time stipulating that thanks to the Askanim, many of the Torah giants should be seen in more limited roles.

Speaking of the math, following the passing of Rabbi Nosson Finkel zt"l, the Rosh Yeshiva of the Mir, there is a campaign underway to close the $10,000,000 debt (yes, 10 mil) the yeshiva has. As per Jewish Worker, who once again pulls from Mishapcha (English version), for 5 straight months, Rebbes have not been paid, nor have kollel avreichim. Even if the money is raised to pay off this debt, what of the future operating costs? And, unless one believes the tzedakah pocket is unlimited, what of the other institutions for which might ordinarily be recipients of tzedakah? (Divrei Chaim makes this point) While I believe the free market will sort much of this out, I don't think like the idea of collapse, and with this type of debt is seems that something will come crashing down. I think we'd all prefer to see a more natural consolidation. But the numbers just look bleak.

Rafi at Life in Israel is reporting on desperation from selling baby naming rights to the highest bidder to ongoing, long term theft where the culprit was finally caught: an avreich stealing baby formula because he doesn't have what to feed his 5 children. Chazal's words are being brought to life and it is just painful.

Many turn to a popular Rabbi for advice on life issues (I know a number of followers in my own back yard and I believe the following to be quite large). In a column regarding overwhelming wedding expenses, the advice given is "just pray" and leave the 300,000 shekel debt to Hashem.

Avremel, you don’t make weddings, Hashem does!”

“Reb Lazer, that’s either Baal Teshuva talk or Breslever talk. We don’t think like that. We have to raise the money ourselves!”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Here’s a man of 48, born into a Chassidic family; he learned in cheder, in lower yeshiva, in upper yeshiva, and then for another seven years in rabbinical kollel before he had to go to work to pay his bills. It was pitiful to see such a person with beard, long sidecurls, a long coat and Chassidic knickers with black socks living a life completely without Hashem and devoid of emuna.

Avremel had tears in his eyes and his upper lip was quivering. “Where in the world am I going to get 300,000 shekels in 7 months? It’s impossible!”

“Li hakesef ve’li hazahav, ne’um Hashem!” I quoted the Prophet who tells us that Hashem has all the gold and silver. If we need money, we go to Him. “Why not try talking to Hashem?”

Where is the yashrut? How destructive is this type of behavior in families and when entering into shidduchim? Yet here is a platform to speak about yashrut, about hishtadult, about being reasonable, and the answer is prayer, and only prayer?

(As one of my valued commentators points out, I am being a bit unfair in my remarks regarding hishtadult. So, I want to clarify the thought. The father is absolutely doing his hishtadult vis a vis effort and work. He is anything lazy holding down more jobs than I ever care to hold down. The effort that I was referring to was not in terms of working more, but in terms of extracting himself from a lifestyle that can simply no longer be maintained and further promises that should not and cannot be made. The point has been reached where this father simply cannot obligate him to pay another bill. The point has been reached where the father must extradite himself from the current situation of supporting growing families. Working yourself to death will eventually leave all those who depend on him in an untenable situation. Hashem does make weddings, but to imply that Hashem will drop 300,000 shekel from the sky--that is approximately $79,000 as per my foreign currency calculator--is not leadership, nor is it a proper way to conduct one's dealings ever! One article I see tells me that average Israeli salary is approximately 95,000 shekel per year. The father is already working more than one job. How is this advice?)

Because I'm out of time, I will deal with another disconnect issue soon.

No, no, no, and no. . . Investing Like You are Poor

In some financial article I have somewhere for the blog, a writer made a very insightful comment which I am paraphrasing about too many people in our communities are investing like they have just stepped off the boat, even though their relative financial comfort should call for a more conservative approach. Yet they are investing recklessly, make it or break it style. It was one thing for our grandparents to put what little they had into a single basket. The worst that could happen: they'd be left with nothing in their pocket. But where they are on the financial spectrum, that type of investing is simply inappropriate. They are simply taking on too much risk, and in the process they often end up loosing more financial footing trying to 'get rich' when normative investing would be more suited.

A team that is mid-game and keeping the score close (i.e., they have a reasonably comfortable life an some good years ahead of them) simply should not be throwing their football into a disorganized, crowded end zone. But, it is happening far too often and I've seen more than enough shares at our favorite frum women's forum to know that this issue is prevalent and relevant.

In this imamother thread a wife brings her concern to the chat room (a bigger issue is that the husband isn't listening to the wife and they aren't a team as he plans to enter into a passive income activity that isn't really passive and is sure to involve her even though he probably doesn't even realize that between sips of kool-aid). She is rightfully concerned about her husband's plan for an inheritance. He heard from a relative about a lady who buys homes in other states, rents them out providing income, and then sells them a few years later.

Ah, investing in a cash-guzzling non-liquid asset with inheritance money, sight unseen, in a state you don't live in because you heard a tip from a relative. Screams bad idea!

I don't want to talk too much about real estate investing and get side-tracked, but I would recommend a first time investor create a situation of maximum flexibility: flexibility in the family budget to cover shortfall/losses, flexibility on the time frame, flexibility regarding property management or self-management.

When people who lack funds run into money (be it an inheritance, a platinum album, the lottery), they often act out of emotion. Below are some questions that I recommend those who run into money to consider. Readers are free to add their own questions.

1. Is our own personal financial situation under control?

2. Have we invested in our own income earning potential?

3. Are we investing in the future income earning potential of our children?

4. What are our predictable future financial needs and what level of liquidity do we need?

5. What level of risk is appropriate for our family?

6. What level of involvement in an investment works for our family?

7. What type of industries/investments interest us?

Especially for non-passive investments (and I'm not talking about passive from a tax perspective):

8. What will it cost to maintain this investment? What are the risks?

9. Do we currently have the relevant skills, experience, and support needed to make this work?

10. Are we on the same page regarding our investment(s) and can our family manage this considering all other needs?

While no one really wants their money sitting around losing money to inflation, there is absolutely nothing wrong with letting your money sit while you explore your get on the same page.

Ask Orthonomics: Is This Expense Justified

I received an interesting inquiry which I will present (abbreviated below)

Dear Orthonomics,

We are a family of six living in Israel with a monthly, post tax and post pension/savings plan income of approximately 16,000 NIS, (as per my exchange calculator approx $4300) give or take. Monthly expenses range between 17,500 and 19500 NIS I am in school and he works in the HiTech field. Prior to returning to school, monthly expenses were between 500 and 1000 NIS below our income . Our mortgage is our only debt and we pay approximately 3500 NIS per month.

Our children are in private school and the youngest is in private daycare. Returning to school has entailed additional childcare expenses. We don't have some of the more common luxuries, nor do we return to chutz l'aretz. Our grocery bill is relatively high, varying between 5000 and 6500 NIS/month.

Regarding savings, we have several hundred thousand NIS in savings and other investments. Half are in low risk investments. We draw several thousand NIS from liquid investments to cover the shortfall while I am in school. After graduation, we hope to add another 6000 NIS post tax to household income.

Now that I'm entering a more professional environment, I would like to put together a better wardrobe. I have one custom $1000 sheitel that is 10 years old, snoods, and scarves (my normal covering). I'm interested in purchasing a new sheitel and I have my eye on a 5300 NIS sheitel. I expect to enjoy it for 10 years.

My husband has concerns as to whether one wig will last so long and thinks in light of the current financial situation unnecessary expenses should be avoided. Our clothing budget for the past 12 months is approximately 7500 NIS, mostly children's clothing and good special sized shoes.

My question: is a 5300 NIS wig purchased for "mental health" justified.

Dear Readers,

Thank you for a writing. I can understand your dilemna as you begin to enter the working world. The situation in short is that you are currently drawing around $2500 a year on $26,000 of savings while you complete school. Your situation is not long term, nor untenable, especially as you continue to contribute to mandatory pensions.

It seems to me that buying a $1400 sheitel won't make or break the bank and there is something to be said for looking and feeling great while you are on display during clinical work. However, I tend to agree with the sentiment that it is best to hold off on unnecessary purchases, especially because you don't know what the future will bring post-graduation. The unknown is scary.

My suggestion, when faced with a luxury purchase that you really, really want is to seek alternatives. Perhaps there is someone selling a hardly used sheitel (happens all the time here) and you can score something wonderful for $500 or less. Perhaps there is a sheitel gemach and you can trade in your old sheitel for one in nice condition.

Since this is an area of contention, I think the default is to hold off the purchase and seek an alternative that works for both of you. I'm a big believer in coming to a solution that both husband and wife are comfortable with. I'd work to seek an alternative that fulfills the mental need in a way that is much less expensive (I do understand the need to sometimes have a wardrobe 'face lift'. And, you can even work to cut back an expense here or there to help cover the cost of the new-to-you sheitel, even though you are already frugal.

Sincerely,

Orthonomics

Guest Post: Sitting on Thousands of Dollars of Silver Assets

Guest Post from Frum Actuary's Nephew (Thank You for contributing!)

I was in a silver store last week buying a wedding gift, and the proprietor mentioned a couple of interesting thoughts, which got me thinking as well. These strongly affect the Orthodox community, in more ways than one.

1: Couples are not getting silver presents. They get silver & wood, or silver & crystal. Full silver is just too expensive to give as a gift.

2: Everything in his store is a “bargain”, as it was bought (and is priced) when silver was at $28 an ounce (as of my writing this, it is over $36).

3: He has had many people come in to him to sell silver, which is at 30 year highs.

So how does this affect the Orthodox community? The presents that are “expected” by a couple have gone by the wayside. Gone is the day when a Chosson got a gold watch; That would set the father in law back more than a custom Shaitel!

But more interestingly, is that many families, even those without large amounts of funds, are (literally) sitting on a silver mine worth tens of thousands of dollars, just based off of Chassuna presents alone (Liechter & Menorah alone can be worth 10K). How this will affect tuition scholarships and the sort is beyond me, but I can see schools that are desperate for funds literally “raiding the families’ silver cabinet”. There is just too much money there to be ignored. Also Hilchos Tzedaka come into play, regarding giving to someone who is sitting on tens of thousands of dollars of sellable goods.

Retirement Advice: Get Married and Stay Married

Hat Tip: a friend

As per this article at CBS Money Watch, a study by the Center for Retirement Research shows that being part of a couple makes economic sense. The article goes on to address the benefits of economies of scale for consumption that exist for individuals who are part of a married unit. A married couple can attain the same standard of living as one person with the same income. There is some interesting analysis in the study on women's vs. men's consumption and health.

The study is a mathematical analysis and does not look at underlying factors beyond consumption patterns, resource allocation, and economies of scale as to why married couples are more successful in utilizing their resources. I don't find the take-away conclusion of the study to be particularly groundbreaking as it confirms something I have understood instinctively. I don't agree with the CBS Money Watch article conclusion that " it’s reasonable to assume that two or more unmarried people who live together and share resources would also benefit from shared consumption" as I believe that shared consumption is only one piece of the puzzle. The larger pieces of the puzzle would be the factors of commitment to the unit, stability, an underlying satisfaction within the marriage that often changes consumption patterns, and shared goals focused on the unit, not the individual.

It isn't unusual for younger singles to believe that marriage will put a damper on their finances. I don't think such is usually the case, so long as there is (reasonable) marital harmony. The advice "get married and stay married" is solid financial advice! What should be added is that increasing one's satisfaction within the marriage will improve the bottom line.

Shall he make our sister like a harlot?"

Hat Tip: Two readers, one who referred me through VIN and one through Crown Heights Info. (I don't trust YNet in the least, but we have discussed other more serious proposals to marry young men off earlier in response to the "shidduch crisis" in the past. And I know enough "purists" who believe that our children should be marrying earlier, I'm not surprised by the endorsement of young teen marriage, although the reasoning is, frankly sickening.).

In perhaps the largest show of corrupt and perverse "lomdus", a Rabbi I have never heard of has apparently initiated a new bill to lower the marriage age in Israel to 15 (but probably even earlier if given the choice). The reasoning, which can only emanate from Chelm in conjunction with a view that women are mostly objects, includes:

• Girls are a Financial Burden to Their Parents. "Parents of large families who cannot financially support all their children would be able to marry off their daughter earlier so that she can move into her husband's house." In another quote, "Girls who do not want to study or work are a burden to the household," Oh, but don't expect the child-bride to be the breadwinner. Another purpose of changing the marriage age: "to change the hareidi view that has been prevailing in recent years, according to which girls must acquire an occupation before getting married." Burden if she doesn't want to work or study, but the truth comes out later: this group doesn't want educated women: "The key is to give them an opportunity to marry early and this way save them from the pressure and the feeling that they must pursue an academic track, because many are not interested in studies."
• The worst of aveirot can be solved. . . . "We will curtail rape cases and violation of the law by allowing marriage a year earlier." Later the Rabbi is quoted saying: "No one will oppose the halacha. The Knesset has witnessed the recent wave of crimes and sexual offenses in both secular and religious families with many children, and this will solve our problems." [Because the most severe averiot are solved by creating a different receptable. . . read on if you can]
• . . . . With increased (legal) access to a different receptacle "Sexual intercourse is forbidden until the age of 16, but after the age of 16 it is allowed if it is consensual, and we want it to be conducted in the framework of marriage. As soon as there is consent of the boys and the families, we don’t want to have any limitation." [underlining mine]

The "lomdus" is so perverse, but I think I'm hearing him loud and clear: he'd like to give those who lack sexual discipline (both those who just want to have relations, as well as those who dare commit the most serious of averiot) license to have free reign over the daughters of the poor.

And for which I say, this is an outrage and the words of Shimon and Levi come to mind: "Ha'ch'zona ya'aseh et achotaynu?"

While it is nice to see Shas MK quoted saying that even if the bill is passed: "I also don’t think parents are going to want their daughters to marry so young, except for special circumstances," and "furthermore, I believe that studies help strengthen the family," the problem is that those who are mentally unstable are certain to have "special circumstances." Let's hope this bill is DOA, dead on arrival. If not, watch the "special circumstances" bloom.

Be Proactive, Not Reactive

Rosie has been pointing me to some interesting excerpts and stories in the Hamodia (thank you for being my eyes and ears). I was able to take a peek at one story she pointed me too. In the magazine, there is an article by Rebbitzen Tzipporah Heller and in the last paragraph she pleads with wives to stop their husbands from committing fraud (she notes that not such a small number of frum men are behind bars) by being alert to spending that doesn't add up and, where suspicious, confronting the husband and putting a stop to it.

The story that preceded this warning, was unfortunately rather convoluted. Although I certainly was pleased to see that at least one magazine is broaching the subject of fraud, I prefer a more direct approach and this wasn't it! The story, as laid out by the Rebbitzen, featured a couple that started off life with the struggles of a kollel family. The husband later entered the insurance business and yet as the tuition bills grew, the struggles never really let up. Yet, each big-0 birthday featured a rather large gift and the wife starts to think perhaps she should ask questions, but doesn't. (Hope I got that right).

At least on my end, the every-10-year-large-gifts really didn't raise my suspicion that there was something fishy going on (e.g. at 40 they took a trip to Israel and at 50 he bought his wife a large candelabra--as I recall). Sure, the numbers might not add up, but 1. a large ever 10 year gift is not particularly out of reach and 2. there was no other indication of regular expenses that should serve as warning signs (large mortgage, luxury cars, bling). The only real large and unaffordable expense that the story touched on is completely ordinary in our own society that it fails to raise a red flag, even if it should. (That expense: TUITION).

The article made me think just how unqualified your average woman is to detect her husband's fraud, especially where it is more subtle, and how needed advice and approaches must be much more concrete. Additionally, I don't care at all for the idea of getting suspicious and then confronting one's spouse. Why not suggest a more healthy, normal approach to *family* finance and be involved as a matter of course, not a matter of suspicion?

What I see as the real issue is that too many women simply aren't involved in their own financial lives and are at risk to be blindsided (and not just with something unusual like having the authorities show up one morning at your door to arrest your husband, but with something more usual like hitting the point of insolvency because of mounting debt). Some women don't want to worry their heads about such financial matters and prefer ignorance. Some women like to excuse their lack of involvement with some sort of "religious" excuse. Some husbands feel more manly when they deal with the money. . . . even when the wife is the primary income earner. Whatever the reason for non-involvement, if things go wrong the battle will have to be waged on a steep uphill grade.

The bottom line in my book is that if both spouses are not involved with the budget, that the family is not just susceptible to getting caught on criminal charges, but running their financial lives into the ground. I would say this is even moreso when one party's relationship to money comes from looking at what "everyone" else is doing, rather that taking a look at the only thing that really matters: the black and red budget!

So here is my advice: don't be on the lookout for fraud and in the position where you have to "confront" your husband (spouse), get involved in your own finances:

*take an active role in your financial life from day one. If you haven't taken a role up to this point, make it your duty to start being a part of this area of your life. Division of duty can still fall to whoever is best suited for the job, but neither spouse should be in the dark.

*always spend within your means and make guidelines for savings and debt. I don't believe every 10 year gifts are the trigger for fraud. My professional background and experience tell me that it is the regular expenses. So, make it a priority to not yourself on a path of monthly struggle.

*maintain balance sheets of assets and debts. Gifts can be a surprise, but there should be no mystery as to where the money to buy such a gift materialized from.

*learn about the industry that your spouse is engaged, what can be expected income in terms of income as well as other relevant information about the business. It is fairly standard practice for wives/spouses to be involved in the finances of a family owned business or even partnership.

*make integrity and honestly a focus of your marriage.

*don't pressure a spouse to provide what is not reasonable (see above regarding knowing what is reasonable).

Readers, add your comments

This Goes to the Heart of Things Marriage and Family

Marty Bluke at the Jewish Worker summarizes an article from the Hebrew Mishpacha. I have to wonder what sort of new social experiment, which goes beyond all things marriage and family, will result next should economic change not be accepted and approached with sechel:

This weeks Hebrew Mishpacha magazine had a very depressing article that because of the economic downturn and the rising apartment prices the shidduch market has slowed down dramatically in Israel. The reason is very simple fewer and fewer parents of girls can afford to buy an apartment for the couple. Many/most of the boys are still holding out for an apartment and there are very
few parents of girls who can afford it.

The article says that the dormitories in the Yeshivas are full because the older boys who should be getting married aren't. One Rosh Yeshiva said that usually around 30 boys a year get married, this year only 10 got married. The head of a post high school seminary said that in the past half the girls were engaged or married by the end of the year, last year it was only 10%. The reason is very simple, the boys are holding out for an apartment and the girl's parents simply can't afford it.

The bottom line is that the average Charedi family size has gone up to over 6 kids per family and the income sources have gone down. In previous generations people had war/holocaust reparations from Germany, people actually worked, the cost of living in Israel was much lower, people had money from grandparents, and people lived much simpler life styles. All of these things have gone away. We now have the second or third generation of kollel only parents marrying off their daughters and the money is simply not there. There is simply no way that people can afford to pay $150,000+ to marry off their daughter.

The big question is what is going to happen? IMHO this is a much bigger issue then concerts, internet, etc. This goes to the heart of things marriage and family. It is disappointing that more hasn't been done by the Charedi leadership on this issue.

Interesting read about what a glut of Arab single men, unable to marry because they lack funds to marry "properly", is doing to Egyptian society. Two concepts: destabilization and growth of extremism. Many would predict that amongst the Orthodox, the opposite would set in.

Unable to Hold a Job

Hat Tip: Thank you rosie for sending this over. Rosie noted that the commentor advice in the piece I am about to link to, for the most part, leaned towards the practical. Such is a note that I don't want to ignore, although I am going to take this in a completely different direction that I'm sure is expected.

There is a letter from a wife on the COLLive.com website regarding her husband, and so many like her husband, that are unemployed, perpetually. The letter is a sad read on so many levels. Particularly sad is the wife's desire to medicate the anxiety that she feels after so many years. The anxiety is naturally increased by the family living above their means, even if they lack the many things mentioned in the article from pricier food to cleaning help (prime example of living above their means: tuition and upcoming weddings mentioned). Probably what is most depressing about the letter is that we all know (good) people who have a terrible job history.

In fact, I spoke to one gentlemen during my dating years who showed the same symptoms, but I ran the other way when I asked about his job history (flame away if you may!). In his 10 years of employment, he had never stayed at a single job for more than a year plus a month or two max! I could see that there was an underlying disease, manifested by the symptom of continually quitting jobs before others in the office would even know he existed. Since he was still single going on 30, the issue was a red flag for me. But at 21, 22, or even 23 years of age, I'm not quit certain how such an issue could be easily noted. The letter writer does not see the disease clearly, but I have highlighted her closest guess, amongst many, as to what the issue is in the excerpt below:

By the time the year [of kollel] was over, we had our beautiful first born. And so with the expenses of a child already and childcare (because I was working), he took whatever dumb job came his way. A job where he did not really learn any skills, did not really make any contacts – the job just paid the bills, and we couldn’t spend on anything beyond the basics. And then he quit that one, got another dumb job, again without skills and contacts. And so our life progressed through the years. B"H more children, other dumb jobs, never being able to spend on anything extra. He never went to school or took courses because he was always so overworked from his job and helping at home with the kids.

[skipping further down] He’s a good man. He is willing to work. But he doesn’t seem to be able to get decent paying jobs. He doesn’t really seem to have the know-how (or the resources) to start a business on his own. I don’t know if it is that he doesn’t present well at job interviews. Or he doesn’t have skills that the decent paying jobs require. Or he doesn’t have the initiative or ambition to really pull off a decent salary. Or he doesn’t look in the right places. Or he doesn’t network with the right people. Bottom line is he doesn’t bring in enough money for even our simple lifestyle. And so now recently, he lost his job again. And we are trying to live from my check and his unemployment check. And with this economy, and his lack of marketable skills, our high expenses, and at this point, his low confidence in himself, he isn’t finding
anything.

While many of the commentators mention the need for education and marketable skills (two important components of developing a career), I don't believe that the main issue for those who suffer from perpetual unemployment (mostly caused by QUITTING one job after another, no matter how "dumb" the job is) lies in the lack of education, networking, or marketable skills. I know janitors who have been with the same employer for decades, and I know PhDs who have left their jobs and flounder about aimlessly.

What I see is an underlying dissatisfaction with life in general, perhaps caused by depression. Sometimes I see a streak of entitlement. I see a hint of this above in calling the jobs "dumb". What could possibly be dumb about working and providing a service for an employer and others? The largest issue I see is the inability to cope: The inability to cope with one's own emotions, the inability to cope with other people, and the inability to cope with frustration, disappointment, and adversity.

Where a person has a clear history of quitting one job after another, I'm fairly certain that the solution is NOT education (either vocational or graduate), starting one's own business (doing what I'm not sure), or networking/job assistance (let's not forget that taking on a new employee is an investment that a business makes and that no investor wants a negative ROI). In fact, college itself can be used as a means of avoiding problems. Suggesting education for a person with such a job history may very possibly fall under the category of a "throw money at it solution".

Beyond any possible medical intervention that might be recommended (I'm no doctor, so I won't discuss such), I believe the first step for a person with a such a job history is to find and hold a job for an extended period of time, ideally within the 3-5 years period. It would be nice to find a job where the husband can develop some skills, but skilled or unskilled, I think the real flaw here is that a resume that shows job after job screams, I am unable to adapt to the workplace!

Employers do not "give" away jobs (and the sooner the frum world realizes this, the better off we will be). Employers "invest" in employees. The key to being able to get that next job after a less than stellar job history (whether you have no skills or a hold a PhD in Aeronautics) is to demonstrate commitment, the ability to function in the workplace, and some initiative and ambition. I believe that the solution to changing this problem is to get one's foot in the door and stick it out through thick and thin in an attempt to make the resume tell a better, or at least neutral, story.

Destructive to Wealth: Confused as to Your Money Starts and Ends

A "very wealthy" Chassidish man writes to Dr. Yael Respler of the Jewish Press seeking her advice on a dilemma which is apparently quite common, was previously unknown to me (Dr. Respler sees this issue in her own practice amongst Chassidic clientele). I have no idea what standard is being used to measure "very wealthy" (income? savings? property? a healthy combination of all of the above?), but this man and his wealthy friends find themselves paying for their siblings' weddings, from the wedding itself to the accompanying jewelry/shtreimels and setup of the home, as well as providing "bailouts" and what have you.

In the name of kibud av v'em, this man and his wife and others are at a loss as to what to do except to publicize the isue. They recognize the situation is "outrageous" but feel powerless.

Dr. Respler labels the behavior as "narcissistic" and isn't exactly sure what causes such behavior, the heter being that others find it acceptable.

I'd like to come from a different angle inspired by both Pirkei Avot ("What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine" is [the characteristic of a] rasha) and an interesting discussion in The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy and other financial books I have read. Interestingly enough, those who do better financially and build wealth do not co-mingle their own means with the means of others, namely family. They do not place their own parents (or in in this case, child's) wealth as an asset on their mental balance sheet. They know where their means start and end and don't allow the means of others to play into their own calculations regarding lifestyle and spending. Doing such is a destructive to wealth, to say nothing of the midda demonstrated. I think the situation of the letter writer is indicative this idea.

Dr. Respler suggests potentially bringing in a Rav who can explain what responsibilities belong with whom. I don't know what polite solution exists in circles where funds are co-mingled on mental balance sheets and bills can simply be sent to a child, parent, or grandparent, and uttering a word might be considered an affront. Nor can anyone say what position a Rav would take given that "some of the expenses that you mentioned are actually expected in a shidduch, and it is a big mitzvah for you to help your parents cover the cost of making a wedding for your siblings (hachnassas kallah). " My own option is that providing such funds only continues to enable the parents, who are caught between their own bad habits and the bad habits ingrained in the mores of the kehilla.

I do know that all individuals/couples/family units are well served by establishing boundaries, financial and otherwise, with family. Hopefully writing a letter to the Jewish Press will solve the issue for this chassidish couple, but chances are the only solution that can even begin to resolve such a situation (the immediate result could include some unpleasant fallout) will include a face-to-face sit down where firm boundaries and limits are established.

Ben Ish Hai on Home Finances

Not written in the style of today, but nonetheless some solid financial advice in my opinion: 1) the Gemorrah tells a husband to honor his wife more than himself and some say that a man should stretch his budget for her benefit, but here the Ben Ish Hai tells them women to buy [clothing] in accordance with the husband's financial status. 2) Don't put undo pressure on a (presumably) hardworking husband. 3) Don't go running to Daddy to get what the husband can't provide and appreciate what you do have.

Ben Ish Hai on Home Finances

I will teach you another principle, dear and precious women, and may Hashem have mercy on you: A wife should purchase clothes in accordance with her husband's financial status, and must not pressure him for more money than he is capable of providing for her. If he is unable to provide her with sufficient money to meet all her needs, she should not cause him to feel embarrassment.

Instead, a wife must express her gratitude for everything her husband gives her, regardless of its price. She should regard a small piece of cloth as if it were the finest silk, coarse barley bread should taste to her as if it were the finest pastry.

A certain poor woman was urged by her friends to go to her parents' house and enjoy a good meal for a change. She answered with all sincerity, "I enjoy the onion I eat in my husband's home more than the meat in my father's home. Blessed is the L-rd for bringing me together with my beloved husband!"

[other text]

Take heed of these words, noble women: Love your husband in your heart and show affection to him through your deeds. Your soul is interwoven with his, and you share his destiny. Appreciate an onion in your husband's home more than the most exquisite fruit and succulent delicacies.

How Debt Can Destroy a Budding Relationship

Hat Tip: A reader who is free to self-identify. That you to all the great readers who continue to send relevant articles and links to me on an almost daily basis. My apologies for being unable to blog at such a speed.

See this article in the NYT that begins with a story of an engaged young lady whose fiancee broke off their engagement three days after he discovered exactly what her debt (in this case student loan debt) actually was. Neither he or she was aware of the bottom line and the grand total was simply something he could not handle.

Bringing in large amounts of debt is "tricky" as the article states and I've heard stories within the Orthodox community regarding handling student loan debt that make me believe this issue is just as relevant to us as to the rest of American society. Who is responsible for that debt within a relationship? Who is legally responsible (in the case of divorce)? How will the debt affect the marriage, and what happens when things like kids come along?

Perhaps the most tricky question is the following: at what point during the courtship, should debts be disclosed? The first indebted young lady in the article has concluded that she should have disclosed her debt between the 8th and 10th date. I'm not quite sure what that translates to in shidduch-land. But I'd like to hear from my readers. Of course, the best course of action for singles is to avoid/minimize debt.

Shalom Bayit and Finances, Tuition vs. Health

There is a new Letter to the Editor published today on Matzav supposedly written by a breadwinning father contemplating suicide due to his financial position. Oftentimes the letters posted on Matzav are straight out of the Yated, but I'm guessing this letter is not one of those. Additionally, I don't believe the letter was actually written by the person supposedly considering suicide, but I do believe that financial problems can make a person consider dreadful measures. Personally, I'm rather annoyed with Matzav for publishing a constant stream of "it's too expense to be frum" articles because I believe that this complaining, and I hear it in my own backyard too, is completely detrimental and counterproductive. What I think is highly needed is financial and frugality education, subjects I see stressed by different ministries. For my commentary on one Matzav "it's too expensive to be frum" editorial see Echad Chacham. . . . Echad Helpless Loser.

Like other complaining editorials of late, there is a lack of differentiating between needs and wants. The author mentions all of the following costs: "tuition, mortgage payments, car expenses, food bills to the sky, clothes, utilities, camp…" So long as camp or the chatunah (a subject that rears its head later in the letter for which I only have three words: Cake and Punch) appears in the same sentence as basic food and shelter, there is a lifestyle problem that needs to be addressed.

What I don't doubt about the article is that the real subject of the letter (see below), reflects the "matzav" of a good handful of husbands out there:

But is hard to appreciate the good things in life when you are sitting and staring at a bank account that is emptying out faster than it fills up. It is hard to smile when you have to tell your 12-year-old kid that he can’t go to the dentist this month even though his tooth is hurting because you don’t have the money for it. It is hard to be happy when your wife is frustrated that you are just not making ends meet no matter how hard you are working and how hard you are trying.

The letter writer believes that he has an income/lack of assistance issue. In all reality, $80,000 is a respectable income, but with a larger size family looking to maintain a healthy budget(healthy budget loosely defined as income > expenses + no consumption debt), I'm not quite sure there is more than a 4 figures available to pay tuition. So, in one sense there is an income issue, but what I believe the reader has is a shalom bayit issue. If the couple was supportive of each other, they could deal far more effectively with the financial issues.

More essential than cash flow in personal finance, is unity in approach. I believe that Chazal asserts that a couple with shalom can exist on the tip of a pin, whereas the largest home won't suffice for a couple without shalom. I think the same can be said of shoestring budgets: a family that works together on addressing their financial challenges can survive on a shoestring budget, whereas a family that does not share common vision, determination, and accomodation will struggle even on a generous income. I believe that sharing a similar approach towards finances is also what will move a couple from disatisfaction --> acceptance and addressing the issue together --> satisfaction or sameach bechelko.

One more issue I'd like to revisit is what I previously called "worshipping at the altar [of yeshiva/day school]." While I do believe yeshiva/day school should take precedence over stuff (e.g. camp experiences, European fashion, and eating out), I am concerned when supporting a frum lifestyle (and I use the term lifestyle deliberately), means neglecting health. To me that fits the definition of "worshiping at the altar."

The letter writer, whoever that is, mentioned forgoing dental care. So did a later commentor who writes:

Giving up the dentist was the hardest of all for us, we also earn income higher than this poster, but when we had no income, the school tuition committee thought we were hiding something and refused us. That was 15 years ago and we still don’t have necessary dental care—the adults in our family have allowed our teeth to rot and become diseased, and have suffered bouts of excruciating pain without seeing a dentist because we couldn’t afford it. The children who needed braces did not get them, nor did they get normal dental care. Along the way we mentioned this to a Rav whose response was What about all the Rabbi’s teaching in Yeshiva who can’t get dental care? So we just keep quiet and suffer. But at least now we pay full tuition.

All I know is that if the "letter writer" is contemplating suicide and this other commentator's children have rotted and diseased teeth, leaving the yeshiva system for public school doesn't sound like the horrific alternative other commentors are making it out to be!

Rav Henkin on Family Planning

Hat Tip: A reader (thank you!)

Hirhurim has an informative post, written by R. Ari Enkin, summarizing the positions of Rav Y.H. Henkin on family planning. Footnotes include the views of other known poskim. Some commentors, scholars in their own right, have criticized the post, because it features a "lenient" position of one Rav and readers might misconstrue such a position as a psak for them.

I am not a scholar, nor do I play one in cyberspace. I am just an Orthodox woman who is perhaps coming from another angle. So, please allow me to speak. I believe the predominant school of thought that receives play in the Orthodox world is the view that family planning, birth control, etc is simply assur except under exceptional circumstances. Many women, even women married for more than a few minutes, do not know that their own local Rav/Rosh Yeshiva/Rosh Kollel not only allows, but sometimes even encourages, couples to space children/use birth control/etc. If they find out that Rabbi X gave a heter (for lack of a more suitable term), even for rather exceptional circumstances, they will express their surprise. I believe that there are many women who would be well served by understanding that the Torah approach to p'ru u'revu is not cut and dry, just as many other areas of halacha are not cut and dry.

Personally, I don't see the danger in laying out what issues might possibly constitute a reason for engaging in family planning in the free marketplace. Rav Schachter and other Rabbonim also do not fear laying out their ideas in the free marketplace. Listen to Rav Schachter on "being reasonable" regarding having children. As it stands now, many people "self-poskin." Sometimes they are afraid of asking a question, believing they will receive a "no" for an answer. Other times they are embarrassed that they are even entertaining the idea. Sometimes they just assume the answer is no, and engage in practices that are perhaps more problematic. I can only speak for myself, but understanding the parameters of halacha has not caused me to constantly lean to the left and always taken the lenient position. Rather, it has given me a basis for understanding when we should consult with the Rav and permission to not feel like a sinner for not having the capability to have "whatever Hashem gives." Just recently, I features a story about families turning to abortion. Such a story should, at the very least, give us pause regarding the appropriateness of allowing families to know what "lenient" positions exist in the halachic framework.

The view I have heard expressed more than any other regarding having children is that birth control is NEVER allowed for financial reasons. The footnotes in the article indicate that this may not be the case. Personally, I wish people would stop shouting this line from the rooftops. From the perspective of a person who writes about finances I think I can safely say that behind many financial issues is a larger shalom bayit issue.

I like the free marketplace of ideas and I comment Gil Student for publishing such a discussion on his blog, which is probably the premier Jewish blog.

I'm Shaking Inside

There is a story that went up on VIN Motzei Shabbat regarding religious women, including Chareidi women, seeking abortions. I do not believe that this is a publicity stunt by the chairman of Efrat, although some commentors are insinuating such. Of the many organizations we receive solicitations from, EFRAT(and organization that helps prevent abortion in Israel by providing counseling and financial support) has shown itself to be quite professional. I have never seen the organization engage in the sensationalism that is all to prevenlant in so many solititations.

If it is true that religious women are seeking abortions because they don't believe that can feed another mouth, I believe that we all have blood on our hands. Commentors might be criticizing the modern day women for a lack of bitachon and emunah, and perhaps in light of parshat Shemot, which we just completed the modern day women pales in comparison. But, YWN had a tzedakah solicitation up just this last week reporting cases of children "coming to hospitals with distended stomachs from undernourishment, by which time the damage is already done."

Poverty is severe in many communities and it is time to start reversing the damage that a welfare society is inflicting on our brothers and sisters. Grand dependency on the Israeli taxpayer and the America and overseas giver is creating a disaster. Pirkei Avot is coming to life. Where there is no flour, there is no Torah. Not only are we witnessing a weakening of a Torah society, we have families seeking abortions. Even if there is a heter, using abortion as birth control is coarsening for a society.

Those who preach, Rabbinic and layman alike, the "fire and brimstone" version that family planning/pregnancy prevention is assur/shameful/selfish and/or is never permitted financial reasons should think twice. Ideas have consequences. There are heterim for pregnancy prevention. It is an incredibly nuanced area of halacha and take it from me, a female, that there are a number of women out there that are under the assumption that pregnancy prevention is essentially assur. They do not ask questions, and many worry about finding out they are pregnant feeling that they are not ready to handle another child. There are Rabbis that many women just assume would never allow pregnancy prevention, and their assumption couldn't be further from the truth. And this is in America, in a mixed community. Imagine what assumptions, true and false, reign supreme in enclaves such as Bnei Brak!

I find this report incredible disturbing. It leaves me shaking inside. I think there is a limited time frame to reverse the damage, but it is still easier to blame the dysfunction on outside society.

Huh? Infidelity

VIN has an article reprinted from the 5TJT (site down at the time of this post) regarding marriage counseling and problems that young couples are having, something that has come up in recent posts.

Never in a million years would I have suspected that enough young Jewish couples to warrant a mention are divorcing/contemplating divorce because of issues of infidelity*. But, this is what both the author and Rabbi Peretz Steinberg of Young Israel of Queens Valley claim.

Let's hope that any such infidelity isn't full blown. Yes, even I am having a difficult time with this report. The rest of the reasons named (abuse, poor communication, lack of respect, financial stress, and parental influence) all pass the "smell test" as to why there are an increasing number of short marriages within the klal. But infidelity?. . . . . I'm just having a hard time believing that this reason makes the top 10 (6) list, so to speak.

*Yes, I am aware that some uniform wearing, kosher keeping, Shabbat observing men do visit brothels. And I am aware of some women who have stepped outside of their marriage. But this article seems to be hinting at something other than the rumored and known.

Shidduch Hysteria

I have already posted some thoughts on the very popular age gap theory [Age Gap or Faulty Math?]. I'm still not sold despite commentors trying to explain its validity and even a friend walking me through the theory. At the Agudah convention, there was a showing of an official Age Gap video which can be seen on Matzav.com.

I don't intend to revisit the "math," but let's just say that when a major social change is being proposed, it would be worthwhile to present more information than a study showing that 14% of Bais Yaakov graduates ages 25-29 from 20 well-known schools remain single. What, are the men chopped liver? I'd like to know where all of the men have gone. I guess they all married younger women. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now, back to the subject at hand. The goal of the video is to show that if the "age gap" is removed that everyone will live happily ever after. But I personally think the video does nothing more than create hysteria. And that is the last thing that the Orthodox dating population needs.

No matter what background you come from, religious or non-religious, Jewish or non-Jewish, younger or older, if you are a marriage-minded individual, especially a female marriage-minded individual, you probably have experienced your own, often self-induced, feelings of hysteria regarding dating and marriage.

For yours truly, these self-inflicted feelings of inadequacy, worry, and general lack of emunah started midway through high school! By the time I had planted my feet in the world of shidduchim, I can say that I was quite a wreck, convinced I would never marry. At that time (and it wasn't that long ago), I don't recall hearing about vast numbers of women who would be left out in the cold to live out there days as a maiden. But, I was very aware of all of the numerous things that would render a single second-class or even third-class. And, of course, there were the "dating rules" that you were expected to follow, many of which rendered a young lady petrified on a 3rd date when you were supposed to reveal your soul, or at least give a public accounting of any skeletons in your closet that might render you flawed. Because, as everyone knows, if you make it beyond 3 dates, you are "serious" and well-meaning people now have the permission to ask "nu?"

Whatever worries I had of never meeting that someone when I was 21 and unattached when heading out into the real world were compounded exponentially in the brutally honest shidduch world. Thankfully, a serious of really terrible dating experiences which made me feel like throwing in the towel completely, lead me to relax and simply not care so much about getting married. Not long after that, I did meet that someone.

While I certainly believe there are far too many singles that need to be brought down to earth, trim down their laundry list of requirements, take more action in terms of shidduchim and pound the pavement, I really think that we also need to be helping singles out by giving them an ego boost. So much of a single's life and spirit can be sucked out of them as they worry endlessly about what might be and I think that can translate into bad mazal. We are believers in a personal G-d and we believe that Hashem continues to work as a shadchan day in and day out. I'm sure that most married folks have a great story of how Hashem moved the chess pieces to make their shidduch happen. It would be nice if singles were given the message that Hashem has a match for them even if their yichus is flawed, even if they have a few extra pounds, even if their hair is frizzy, and even if their parents aren't marching to the Goldberg's drummer.

Video presentations that place X marks through female figures with the message YOU WON'T GET MARRIED unless there is major social re engineering (social engineering that would have made my our own shadchanit think twice about setting us up since she is a rules follower), strikes me as cruel, and I'm not exactly the type to ignore issues. The video awakened some emotions I left behind at the chuppah. I can only imagine the arrow it sent through already torn hearts.

I do think some social rewinding is in order. I don't think we need any more hysteria! There is enough hysteria out there already and an entire army of teachers, mentors, Rabbis, friends, parents, and other singles feeding into the hysteria. Let's try to give our not-yet-married single friends (both male and female) some room to breathe and some positive encouragement. And let's also remember that a healthy marriage and a bayit ne'eman is the goal of all of this dating.