Bankrupt: MHA (Scam?)

A reader emailed me a number of months ago wondering if MHA (abbreviated name of co as I see this story taking shape), a company that had been advertising in a number of frum magazine such as the Yated ,was a scam? I had begun to research the company and its game when I was distracted by something else and did not return to my research. Since I had not seen the ads myself, I was sadly unaware of how many people from the frum community were participating in this business or buying "product" from them, product that was delivered months later (bad sign!). Strangely enough, some person pushing some sort of shake business got me thinking about the email, and then just yesterday news went out that the company was bankrupt.

Yesterday, the same reader emailed me to inform me that Yeshiva World News was carrying the story, which they received via The Lakewood Scoop. The company filed for Chapter 7. Given the current business model of selling money --gift cards or most recently checks according to some readers--the "failed business model" as some readers are kindly calling it, was bound to hit the proverbial wall. The companies original business sold groceries and toiletries from a website for which you needed a $29.99 membership to even be able to view the choices and claimed you could supposedly save 50% and have the non-perishables shipped to your door with free shipping.

It is a real shame that we see so many people put their time and energy into businesses for which there is little, if any, gold at the end of the rainbow. Oftentimes, involvement with such businesses results in strained relationships with friends and family, to say nothing of financial loss or lost opportunity--time lost that could have been used to pursue a steady income rather than chasing a dream. Worse yet is when people just don't get it. A post on the Lakewood Scoop needs a serious lesson in economics and diversification. He (or she) writes:

Who said it was a scam? It was a failed business. They had everyone asking for refunds at once! Of course they go under. When everyone goes to withdraw money from a bank at once they go bust too! Is every bank a ponzi scheme? Ask any business that accepts returns, I’m sure if every person that bought something in walmart in the last 90 days would ask for a refund, they wouldn’t have issues too!

Those with any business acumen will realize that you can't compare banks of the pre-depression era to Walmart, a company that delivers product on the spot to a diverse customer base, to a company that was selling money for less than its face value to a crowd of BELIEVERS. And, wow, are there some true believers posting over at the Lakewood Scoop.

Some readers are suggesting that frum publications better monitor their ads. Others are suggesting Rabbonim not let MLMs into the community. My opinion should come as no surprise, but I don't think it is of any use to put Rabbonim or frum publications in the business of giving a heksher on businesses or ads (although weeding out the ridiculous could be a service), and I believe that the power exercised over business in more right wing communities is already often beyond the pale. There is plenty of censoring. I believe in certain Israeli communities because of tzniut concerns, women cannot advertise perfectly legitimate service businesses.

The real issues are deeply ingrained in a culture that puts the cart before the horse, so to speak. The issues of desperation for parnassa, a lifestyle that is out of sync with the average income level, integrity, etc, are issues that will have to be addressed in order that such scans don't hit like a ton of bricks. Censoring advertisements or shutting out every MLM for being an MLM alone (let's not forget that some MLMs do sell product and aren't "Get Rich Quick" Scheme), isn't going to make a dent when people too many people are hard up for funds. Address that issue, and you might get somewhere.

However, next time I receive an email asking me if I could look into a possible scam, I definitely will. Representatives for this company had yet to advertise in any of the publications I receive in print. There is one company I have seen advertised for which I think people should beware, but I can't remember the details. If you are searching for a better electric rate, start with calling area utility companies, not using a company you know nothing about.

Finally, I'd like to point my readers to a letter to the Yated from Rabbi Eli Teitelbaum zt"l on MLMs and the frum community. Seems his words are every bit as important now as they were back then when the Yated gave free advertising to a lady promising to solve the frum world's money woes by selling some non-FDA approved product for which I deleted the name of the company in my post, and no longer recall what type product she was selling that would solve so many problems.

GET-RICH-QUICK” SCHEMES

Dear Editor,

Reader beware! In last week’s Readers Write column of the Yated, someone suggested a solution to the parnassa crisis by joining some MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) company making the latest rounds. Once again, I must warn all the readers that these MLMs have been tried since the time of Mesushelach and the only thing they will do for you is get you deeper into the quicksand and add to your pain and troubles.

I’m sure they’ll tell you that they are different than all the rest and provide you with names of people who are making millions. It’s time people realize that there is no treasure chest hidden at the end of the rainbow and the moon is not made out of cheese. There is no quick and easy way to riches unless you inherit it.

Many people were in Amway (also known as Scamway) for many years and never made the riches they were promised. The average monthly gross income for active distributors of Amway for January 1998 was $88. This was before expenses. Anyone who dangles a diamond-studded chain in front of your eyes is only trying to draw your attention. It’s like waving a red kerchief in front of a bull. We must never allow our greed and need for money to short-circuit our normal thinking process and common sense.

Unfortunately, many have lost both their time and life-savings by investing in these MLMs. For those who want to learn more about these so-called “get-rich-quick” schemes or MLMs, I suggest they read the book “Behind the Smoke and Mirrors,” by Ruth Carter, or “False Profits,” by Bob Fitzpatrick before investing their money.

While not all MLMs are the same, one should always consult his own accountant before investing his money and never rely on the advice of those who sell the product or franchise. It’s important that you find out what the average monthly gross income after expenses is for active distributors and what percentages of them have remained in the business for more than a year.

Don’t rely on the claims of a few who say they are making lots of money or tell you that you must work very hard at it in order to succeed. What they often fail to tell you is how much time you’ll actually have to put in, and how difficult it is to sell the product which is also being sold by many others, or how cheap you can buy a similar product in a local department store. More often than not, they will exaggerate the “miraculous” powers of their product, claiming that you can’t buy anything compatible anywhere else. One wonders why they don’t sell these miracle products in all stores.

Here’s a simple piece of advice to follow. If it sounds too good to be true, then stay away, don’t believe a word they say, and run the other way. Just because someone claims that it’s not an MLM doesn’t mean it’s not. If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck, no matter what anyone may call it! Not all that glitters is gold!

Sincerely, Rabbi Eli Teitelbaum

Get Rid of the Insecurity and Just Enjoy Purim

Over at Matzav, you can treat yourself to typical Purim ranting. I recall at least part of this rant from a Yated gem of the past. It is really a shame that a more lighthearted, fun holiday turns into a stress fest for so many people (particularly the women folk).

Do some people have out of control mishloach manot? Sure. Do some people have misplaced priorities? Sure. Have some people taken a lovely mitzvah promoting friendship and perverted it into yet another competition? Sure. Is there unnecessary pressure? Sure. Do some people spend ridiculous amount of money? Sure.

Can we control any of that? Probably not. But we can work to control our own insecurities (and in turn hopefully raise more secure children who won't feel the need to constantly peak over their shoulders). And perhaps if we work to control our own insecurities, we will start to have more Purim fun, rather than pressure to match the neighbor who has been thinking about a costume to coordinate with the mishloach manot package theme (or is that a mishloach manot package to coordinate with a costume?) since Rosh Hashana.

In the grocery store I ran into a lovely friend who always makes a very attractive mishloach manot packages. We enjoy receiving her package each year and always hide it away to enjoy without the children. As we were talking, she mentioned some of her own insecurities which surprised me because I would love to pull off such a lovely (and frugal) presentation.

Over here in the Sephardi household, we just can't seem to get it right. The goods might taste great, but something always seems to go wrong and it doesn't quite come together as envisioned. It isn't easy combining frugality with participation from children with a reasonable quantity with all of the other things I'm juggling during this time of the year. So, we just do what we can manage and that varies from year to year.

So after a marathon of creating with the kids (who ultimately left me holding the bag because the work isn't as much fun an hour later) and a packaging idea that the assigned packager wasn't quite coordinated enough to pull off, we have a basket full of tasty mishloach manot that weren't quite what I envisioned.

And do you know what? I'm accepting what is. We can give these out with a big smile. And we don't need to worry about what others might bring because this isn't an office gift exchange.

While I am critical of overspending and inappropriate displays of wealth or "wealth", I think we can enjoy other people's Purim fun even if we choose a different route. I don't think that in this lifetime we will ever have themed mishloach manot. And I doubt we will ever have costumes to match our mishloach manot theme because I don't sew and prefer to pick up costumes in the thrift store. But I can still appreciate the creativity of our neighbors who show up in great costumes with nifty packages even if we are putting our cookies and candies on a plain paper plate or brown paper bag and sporting a run of the mill costume. We can appreciate what our friends and neighbors bring us even if we are reciprocating with "less" (just say thank you is a midda I work on with my kids, and Purim is a great time to put that midda on display).

On that note, have a Purim Sameach and enjoy the chag anxiety-free.

And one final note, it is clear that many of us would like to see a sense of balance restored in the kehilla. But I don't think complaining about someone's Three Blind Mice Purim theme is going to restore the balance. I do think working to rid ourselves of insecurities and making choices without offering excuses (be it a choice about mishloach manot, consumerism surrounding yomim tovim, or camp) will rub off on others.

The Criminal Element Takes Another Public Seat at the Dais

Crime and punishment is as old as the Torah itself. But it seems that in the past year that prominent communal organizations and segments of the Orthodox community have become very loud and bold in their public defense of convicted criminals within/affiliated somehow with the Orthodox community. So called pidyon shuvuyim campaigns to collect for the legal defense and make life more manageable for the wife and children of the convicted is nothing new. But large scale, broad based, and loud public support seems to be a new trend that has developed, I would say, in just the past year. It appears to me that there is a hashkafah of sorts that is developing and it reads like this: Hands off US.

I don't remember rallies or mass letter writing campaigns in support of the drug/money laundering rings of the mid-90's that spanned from NY to LA, but the issue wasn't exactly on my radar. There was a time where I owned a pair of pink tinted glasses and I'd like them back, thank you very much! And while there must have been some behind the scenes lobbying for President Clinton's pardons of the New Square group, when the news hit of the pardons (Jan. 2001), I believe it was the first that most people in the Orthodox community became aware of the crime (granted, the internet was only in its infancy). But my recollection of the aftermath was that most hung their heads in shame. But, I could be mistaken.

In 2009, the Agudah organized a number of business Asifas. These spawned from the arrest and subsequent conviction of the Spinka Rebbe and the New Jersey and New York stings in which arrests for money laundering were made in Deal and Brooklyn. Despite comments on blogs to "hang the mosser[s]" the public reaction of the Agudah leadership was not to organize letter writing campaigns, protests, or fundraisers. One could question is inviting the Rebbe to speak as an honored guest at a business asifa dedicated to promoting integrity was in good taste (I'd vote no since too much blame was placed on a "lack of education" when it is obvious to someone educated in such matters that you have to know exactly what you are doing to pull off massive fraud schemes***), at the very least there was some show of contrition, even if it was perfunctory. At the time of the Spinka arrests, Rabbi Adlerstein, wrote that there was a Silver Lining to the LA Scandal. He hoped that this case would be used to "reexamine issues of personal honesty and integrity" and pointed to some mussar shmoozes. I disagreed with the conclusion that these crimes were borne of insularity^^^, but shared the hope that in the internet era where stories

Well, here we are mid-2010 and it seems that promoting integrity and adherence to American Law and Choshen Mishpat might be a thing of the past. Early 2010, the Grossman Circus rolled into town. A number of Orthodox Communal Organizations, not just the usual suspects (!), banned together in a campaign that loudly called for staying the execution of a man who brutally murdered a young park police officer. The organizations involved even called in the Pope! From coast to coast, Orthodox Jews were asked to write sign petitions, write letters, and call the Governor of Flordia's office to try and stop the execution. And the community followed orders. Certainly leadership was aware that there are more than a few loose cannons that would come out of the woodwork, and the loose cannons didn't disappoint, harassing the Park family and continuing the circus with a funeral fit for a Rebbe and emotional hespedim. Treated a ba'al teshuva of high caliber (the words "ahavas yisrael" follwed his finaly Shema) despite the fact that he never was able to connect the words "I" with the "events" (i.e. murder) before his execution. On Tisha B'Av, his headstone was laid and the labels of HY"D, kedush, and hopes he will be a matzliach yosher continue. Not an ounce of tzniut was evident in this campaign!

Summer 2010, Lakewood hosts massive asifot for Rubashkin, raising upwards of $300,000 for his defense. Ten thousand are reported to have attended the men's gathering and another 3,000 the women's rally. We can argue whether or not the sentencing was excessive, and it may well be (I'm not a legal scholar, but I do know that it was within legal guidelines). But what is the ultimate message of such public and loud campaigns? What kind of society are we going to create when instead of dipping our heads in shame we loudly proclaim the great righteousness of the convicted? What kind of society are we going to create when week after week publications reinforce the notion that we live in tzarist Russia and are simply being persecuted for being Jewish? As far as I am concerned, the message being given is that corners can be cut (so long as you give plenty of tzedakah, bring the community together in achdus, or engage in great displays of Yiddishkeit).

Even worst, during the 3 weeks, a Yated columnist went so far as calling those who don't rally behind Rubashkin as having a "Goyishe Kop": "If I would not know better, I would say that they have stopped thinking in the traditional thought pattern of Yiddin throughout our galus." I'd counter that perhaps those of us with a "Goyishe Kop" are simple people who have no interest in mental gymnastics. While we have compassion for a fellow Jew, we don't act out of sheer emotion. We want to live our lives in a straightforward way where we represent ourselves in dealing with simple straightforwardness. We don't care to engage in mental gymnastics where we convert the distasteful and wrong into a mitzvah. We believe that callousness to financial crime indicates a breakdown in society and do not choose to gloss of things that are "if anything is a white collar crime." We understand the ramifications of our actions as they have consequences far beyond that of a single person and we understand that failure to recognize the rule of law will eventually bite us in the butts!

And so it has. July 28, 2010, Chabad annouces a public rally for a man who was brought to justice by those in his own community. (Background stories at VIN). And note that the ramifications of such a rally extend far beyond providing the $300,000 needed to continue paying the lawyer for legal defense. The ramifications are societal. There is callousness towards other people's money and property. There is an attack on the rule of law, a rule of law that protects me and you, our lives, our children, and our property. Try this on for size and if you watch this video, tell me what background piano music you are hearing)

"Him sitting in prison will not help anybody pay their bills. We have a moral duty to help him reunite with his family speedily."
"No children deserve to grow up without a father, especially such young children, and an oldest child who sacrificed himself for Jews in Eretz Yisroel, losing his arm in Gaza." [Really, no children!?! When will the gatherings be for the thugs that are sitting in prision for beating a Jew? Stealing from a Jew?]

Let's realize the consequences of our actions before we dig a hole so deep it is impossible to emerge from it. The message I'm getting from this year of public displays is me, me, me. Public displays of achdus might feel good, but quiet behind the scenes campaigns where appropriate will keep emotions at bay and preserve a sense of wrong and right. I'm not a sociologist, but I sense a change in the direction of certain elements within the Orthodox community and I think some reflection as to what this changes means for the community at large is well in order because actions always have consequences.


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****What I wrote at the time: Setting up a tax fraud scheme where hundreds of individuals "donated" millions of dollars and then itemized those donations when they knowingly received an 80-95% rebate is planned, deliberate, intentional, malicious, and illegal criminal activity. This isn't giving in to a small temptation such as deducting the price of your tickets to a Chinese Auction. This took massive manpower. Such a scheme perpetuated from the top and joined in by a hundreds of people speaks volumes about the lack of integrity, the worship of the dollar, and the precarious financial situation of the Orthodox Community as a whole, as the Chassidish community in particular.

^^^What I wrote at the time: "insularity combined with ignorance can bring out the yetzer hara for small crimes, but arrogance combined with desperation is the brainchild behind such complicated schemes as we have been continually witnessing for at least 20 years."

It isn't considered a bargain, It IS a Bargain

More serious blogging to return shortly. . . . . in the meantime, can someone buy this man a calculator!

Dear Chaim,
What you are paying in tuition IS a bargain. Take your calculator out. You are paying $333.33 per child per month. Your tuition isn't just "considered" a bargain. It IS a bargain plain and simple. Clearly mathematical analysis is not your strong point, because if it was, you would realize that there already is a tzedakah in place to help people cover tuition. That tzedakah is called other people's tuition, those you note are paying double the rates you are paying and even more (!). Unlike others, I will not discount your struggle, nor will I call you mean names. But do realize that it is tasteless to complain about your tuition and complain that there is no tzedakah to cover you when many of us are writing our first tuition/tzedakah check on August 1.
Sincerely,
Orthonomics

Letter follows, emphasis mine.


THE BIGGEST CRISIS
Dear Editor,
The biggest crisis today is not the shidduch crisis. Sorry to disappoint all of you. The number-one crisis is the parnassah crisis. Financially, our communities are in shambles. Mosdos are suffering like never before and many frum families are falling apart because they cannot afford their basic needs.

Among the major expenses faced by frum families is tuition. I just received a tuition bill from my children’s schools. This coming year, I will be paying over $2,000 in tuition a month
for six children - and that’s considered a bargain. Many people I know are paying double that or even more. And that’s not counting the cost of camp and the other countless expenses I face.

Where are we supposed to get this money from? How much harder can we work?

We need an organization devoted to helping people with tuition, just like we have so many other organizations for all kinds of important things.

Upon further observation, one will find that the second component of the parnassah crisis is marrying off children, which I hope to address in a future letter. For now, let’s address the
first component, tuition.

And for those who are wondering, yes, the shidduch crisis is the second biggest crisis in my eyes. But it shares second place with kids-at-risk.
Chaim F.

The Sunday School Debate

Just last week I posted a portion of an article that suggested it was high time to have institute a regular Sunday schedule for girls, just as it has already been instituted for boys under the title "Underscheduled."

I find the first response from a 1st grade Rabbi very interesting, although his approach and mine are miles apart. He is a supporter of a Sunday schedule for both boys and girls, yet points out some very serious issues regarding the Sunday schedule. A major issue is that the kids are simply tired, having gone to bed too late motzei Shabbat. His method to combat this issue is a raffle to incentivize early bedtime. I personally believe that the raffle method is far too overused in Yeshiva schools and I also believe too many rewards ultimately punish students. Academic studies bear out this same conclusions, as well as particular schools of educational thought. Ultimately, if parents are not "on board" with the Sunday schedule, the problems will persist.

The issues presented will probably ring a bell with those who attended "Sunday School". Just as attendees of Sunday Hebrew School know that most students (but not all) don't treat the day particularly seriously, this Yeshiva Rebbi notes that the half day isn't treated as "a real day". Worse yet, that day can set the tone for the rest of the week. I imagine that the experience of teachers throughout the nations bears out the same conclusions that truncated schedules create a relaxed environment which is difficult to recover from. It doesn't seem particularly wise to turn the first day of the week into a camp day. I think it is also interesting to note how the Torah subjects are enhanced by the derech eretz. If school policy would follow from such a philosophy, great progress could be made on many fronts.


SHABBOS SHEINI
Dear Editor,
Thank you for producing an excellent newspaper each week. In response to Avrohom Birnbaum’s article about Sunday being the “Shabbos sheini shel goluyos,” it is truly commendable how we have made Sunday into a more productive day in recent years. However, as a third grade rebbi in a yeshiva, I find Sunday to be a great challenge and unquestionably the hardest day of the week. The next frontier is to encourage parents to make the proper hachanos on Motzoei Shabbos to prepare their sons for a meaningful day of learning. Boys need to go to bed on time so as not to be tired the next day. If the night before is treated as a vacation night rather than a school night, the results will be inevitable. I offer my boys a special raffle on Sunday for those who bring in a note stating that they went to sleep less than 60 minutes after the zeman. Each week, it is the same few boys who take advantage of this incentive.


In addition, since there are no secular studies in the afternoon, the boys arrive with a feeling that Sunday is “not a real day.” I am not suggesting to have a full day of yeshiva, but this issue does present an obstacle. Some boys arrive at yeshiva without a backpack and only their baseball glove in their hands.

Parenthetically, the mesivta that I attended, Yeshiva Ner Yisroel in Baltimore, did have secular studies on Sunday, and it made a difference in our attitude for that day.

This less-than-positive beginning to the week sets a bad tone for the whole week. The issue of what to do is a shailah for a gadol, but I suggest that we do something in order not to turn the s’char of Sunday limudim into a hefsed.

Name withheld as some of my talmidim’s parents may be reading this letter


This next letter is from a family that would like their 4 oldest girls out of the house on Sunday. The school sends the girls home at noon on Friday. If the Rebbi's observations hold true and a Sunday schedule is instituted for girls, while a half day Friday schedule is maintained, I imagine readers will be treated to moaning about girls having two less than productive school days. But, I don't have a crystal ball or anything.



SCHOOL ON SUNDAY
Dear Editor,
Even though we always enjoy Rabbi Avrohom Birnbaum’s article every week, last week’s really hit home. With our four oldest being girls, we cannot agree more with what he wrote about school being off on Sundays. Although there are many people who might respond that parents nowadays should spend time with their children, if we look at our girls’ schedule, there is so much time - too much time - off from school.

They get out of school at 12 p.m. on Friday, so between these long Fridays and all of Shabbos, there is plenty of time to bond. And that is besides for the long summers and plenty of breaks and vacations during the year. I have been asking for years for the schools to institute a
short Sunday schedule. Maybe this will finally create a change.

Thanks again to the Yated for bringing up timely issues.


Sincerely,

A Yated Family

Underscheduled?

If you read my post "To the Exclusion of All Else", you will see there is a thread of relation between this post and that one.

I personally cannot relate to this constant push for more and more programming for children. Granted I am not yeshivish, but be it Torah or more hours dedicate to in classroom general studies, or additional extracurricular programming, I object to the idea that we need to occupy every moment of the lives of children and teenagers with scheduled programming. Ultimately increased learning of Torah or any other subject or increased performance in music, the arts, or sports has to come from internal motivation. I'm very taken by people who develop a skill and take it to a very high level. For the most part, I don't believe that the development of such a skill is increased because of mandatory scheduled programming. Additionally I worry about the lack of time for families to enjoy quantity time together.

Unfortunately the following excerpt from this week's Yated reinforces a gut feeling I have that there is a mistrust (by some in the education field) of parents and the children themselves. Additionally, I think it naive to believe that children will always make the choices we'd like them to make even if we attempt to occupy their every making moment. In fact, I think such can backfire because they will miss opportunities to discover areas of interest and occupy themselves in their interest, something best done outside of a large group of peers.


SUNDAYS: A DAY OFF FOR GIRLS?
These great strides [institution of Sunday programming for boys], however, do not absolve us from seeking further improvement. It has been repeatedly pointed out that, thus far, there has been one group that has, by and large, been excluded from the newer, more spiritual Sunday group. That group is our school-aged girls. It is common knowledge that girls, unlike boys, do not have a mitzvas asei to learn Torah at every spare moment. Therefore, the thinking goes, they do not need school on Sunday. From a pure halachic perspective, that is true. However, the more pressing question arises: What do they do with their time when they are not in school?

School, besides its primary focus of educating girls, also provides a Torah-true atmosphere where girls can interact and grow together spiritually. What about Sunday, when there is no
school? Many a mother will relate how difficult it is to keep their daughters happily occupied in an atmosphere that does not contradict the values that the home and the school seek to inculcate. Boruch Hashem, there are schools that have implemented some form of class on Sundays. The majority, however, still has not.

Many educators have complained that on Sundays, the malls, the main shopping areas and the eateries, as well as questionable venues of entertainment, are disproportionately filled with girls from our best Bais Yaakovs.

Of course, there is a need for shopping, but this steady exposure to questionable places of entertainment or shopping can have a corrosive effect on our daughters, the future mothers of Klal Yisroel.

The Gemara explains that idleness brings to foolishness and immorality. One full weekday of idleness each week can have truly troubling consequences.

Of course, girls deserve some time for themselves and mothers deserve, and should have, their daughters available to help them at times. Still, an entire Sunday is not the solution. If help is the issue, Friday would be a much better choice for a day off. If the issue is the need for time for themselves, perhaps Sunday afternoons could be given off.

Certainly, it is high time that our girls are constructively occupied on Sunday in a spiritually conducive atmosphere that will prepare them for their future roles as the mothers of Klal Yisroel.

A Few Things

The current Yated has a plea for families to purchase Life Insurance written by Rabbi Binyomin Ginsburg. He mentions purchasing it as a "segula" not because it is a segula, but because it might incline more people to do the prudent thing. Such is the state of Orthodoxy I imagine. At the end of the article he writes about a free $50,000 life insurance program offered by Mass Mutual for education expenses. I'm hoping a reader will be willing to check out this program and report back. I've never heard of a free life insurance program that provides more than say $3000 to a customer of a bank, e.g. Here is the information:

Finally, I would like to share information with our readers about a program that is free of charge.MassMutual, an insurance company that sells life insurance, has a program called LifeBridge. This is a free life insurance policy designed to help people pay for tuition after the death of a parent, r”l. Under the LifeBridge Free Life Insurance Program, Mass-Mutual will issue a $50,000 life insurance policy to a trust for a period of 10 years and at no cost to the insured. MassMutual pays the premiums. If the person dies within that time period, the $50,000 is
used to cover the educational expenses of the children. The children have 10 years after the death or until age 35 (whichever is later) to use this $50,000 educational
benefit.

For more information about this program, contact MassMutual directly or feel free to contact Mr. Kahn at 718.436.0022. He will be glad to help in any way he can to have more people protected with life insurance.

In Israel, Rav Shteiman has said it is time to discontinue the vort, and go with a l'chaim following the engagement at the home of the kallah. Perhaps I'm missing some information being only familiar with things in America, but I can't really tell the difference between what people call vorts and l'chaims. Besides my husband and me, I can't think of too many people who have not had an engagement party (my husband will take issue, however, he claims that because our parents met for a meal in which he announced our engagement that we too had a party. . . . .next time one of my kids wants a birthday party with classmates, I will insist that a meal with family is a party :).

I personally am not at all attached to the practice of a vort or l'chaim. I think engagements are best started off slowly, without a bash. It seems extremely logical to me that when cutting expenses, the vort be the first thing on the cutting block. The Simcha Guidelines from about a decade ago also called for only a small l'chaim. I wonder if a decade later, someone else will call for discontinuation or if the financial realities will finally par down on this expense. Time will only tell.

Also of interest is a story in Haaretz as reported by VIN that Badatz has ruled that Chareidim in Israel cannot invest in stocks of Israeli companies. The concerns reported are that Chareidim should not become *partner* in companies that violate Shabbat and engage in inappropriate advertising. I won't even bother to comment that investing does not make on a partner; I actually have my own moral concerns with certain American companies and don't care to invest directly or patronize certain companies. That said, such an announcement is disturbing in combination with the past policies I've reported on. I guess the post He Can't Work, She Can't Work could now, in light of this new pronouncement be titled He Can't Work, She Can't Work, Nor Can They Invest. It seems that each month, we the big fat pocket book, are privy to another report of what Chareidim can't do because it violates religious principal. Worse yet is when leadership complains that Chareidim can't get ahead because of the man. Seriously, it is no wonder that people think about selling a kidney (which is in fact not permissible).

What surprises me most about the Haaretz reports that of the 50,000 Chareidi households, 42% deposit 825 NIS a month in savings plans. According to this exchange rate calculator that is almost $220 a month. There are so many people in America unable to save such amounts monthly. This just seems unbelievable given the unemployment rate and other stats.

Shalom Bayit and Finances, Tuition vs. Health

There is a new Letter to the Editor published today on Matzav supposedly written by a breadwinning father contemplating suicide due to his financial position. Oftentimes the letters posted on Matzav are straight out of the Yated, but I'm guessing this letter is not one of those. Additionally, I don't believe the letter was actually written by the person supposedly considering suicide, but I do believe that financial problems can make a person consider dreadful measures. Personally, I'm rather annoyed with Matzav for publishing a constant stream of "it's too expense to be frum" articles because I believe that this complaining, and I hear it in my own backyard too, is completely detrimental and counterproductive. What I think is highly needed is financial and frugality education, subjects I see stressed by different ministries. For my commentary on one Matzav "it's too expensive to be frum" editorial see Echad Chacham. . . . Echad Helpless Loser.

Like other complaining editorials of late, there is a lack of differentiating between needs and wants. The author mentions all of the following costs: "tuition, mortgage payments, car expenses, food bills to the sky, clothes, utilities, camp…" So long as camp or the chatunah (a subject that rears its head later in the letter for which I only have three words: Cake and Punch) appears in the same sentence as basic food and shelter, there is a lifestyle problem that needs to be addressed.

What I don't doubt about the article is that the real subject of the letter (see below), reflects the "matzav" of a good handful of husbands out there:

But is hard to appreciate the good things in life when you are sitting and staring at a bank account that is emptying out faster than it fills up. It is hard to smile when you have to tell your 12-year-old kid that he can’t go to the dentist this month even though his tooth is hurting because you don’t have the money for it. It is hard to be happy when your wife is frustrated that you are just not making ends meet no matter how hard you are working and how hard you are trying.

The letter writer believes that he has an income/lack of assistance issue. In all reality, $80,000 is a respectable income, but with a larger size family looking to maintain a healthy budget(healthy budget loosely defined as income > expenses + no consumption debt), I'm not quite sure there is more than a 4 figures available to pay tuition. So, in one sense there is an income issue, but what I believe the reader has is a shalom bayit issue. If the couple was supportive of each other, they could deal far more effectively with the financial issues.

More essential than cash flow in personal finance, is unity in approach. I believe that Chazal asserts that a couple with shalom can exist on the tip of a pin, whereas the largest home won't suffice for a couple without shalom. I think the same can be said of shoestring budgets: a family that works together on addressing their financial challenges can survive on a shoestring budget, whereas a family that does not share common vision, determination, and accomodation will struggle even on a generous income. I believe that sharing a similar approach towards finances is also what will move a couple from disatisfaction --> acceptance and addressing the issue together --> satisfaction or sameach bechelko.

One more issue I'd like to revisit is what I previously called "worshipping at the altar [of yeshiva/day school]." While I do believe yeshiva/day school should take precedence over stuff (e.g. camp experiences, European fashion, and eating out), I am concerned when supporting a frum lifestyle (and I use the term lifestyle deliberately), means neglecting health. To me that fits the definition of "worshiping at the altar."

The letter writer, whoever that is, mentioned forgoing dental care. So did a later commentor who writes:

Giving up the dentist was the hardest of all for us, we also earn income higher than this poster, but when we had no income, the school tuition committee thought we were hiding something and refused us. That was 15 years ago and we still don’t have necessary dental care—the adults in our family have allowed our teeth to rot and become diseased, and have suffered bouts of excruciating pain without seeing a dentist because we couldn’t afford it. The children who needed braces did not get them, nor did they get normal dental care. Along the way we mentioned this to a Rav whose response was What about all the Rabbi’s teaching in Yeshiva who can’t get dental care? So we just keep quiet and suffer. But at least now we pay full tuition.

All I know is that if the "letter writer" is contemplating suicide and this other commentator's children have rotted and diseased teeth, leaving the yeshiva system for public school doesn't sound like the horrific alternative other commentors are making it out to be!

Sure, I Have Some Ideas

From this week's Yated:

NOT MAKING IT FINANCIALLY
Dear Editor,
I was thrilled to see last week’s letter regarding frum families in debt. I guess it means that we are not the only ones. We have a large family, kein ayin harah, and my husband does have a well-paying job. I am at home, since it would be impossible to have both of us working with all the demands of a full house. There is nothing more that either of us can do, but we have the problem that my husband’s salary alone cannot cover all our bills. I am talking about the basics, including tuition, mortgage payments, utilities, insurance, car expenses, groceries, clothing, and minimal cleaning help.
You will notice that I am not including any luxuries and yet the paycheck is already
long gone.
Does anyone out there have any ideas?
Thank you.
Struggling To Pay My Bills

Here are some ideas that are bound to be unpopular:

1. Drop the cleaning help. With a large family, you have cleaning help. Yes, it won't be easy and despite plenty of arguments as to why cleaning help is so super important, it still isn't a "basic."

2. And speaking of basics, I don't know that we really can call tuition a basic. Tuition certainly makes most of ours lists as a high priority. But money only goes so far. If you were faced with a choice between necessary medical treatment or tuition, would tuition still be a basic? At least the writer didn't include camp as one of the basics. Perhaps a first when it comes to letters I've published.

3. Drop the attitude that there is nothing more you can do. There is always something you can consider to either cut costs or bring in additional income. Look at every budget item and consider an alternative. Reprice all services. Call providers and ask for discounts. Look into bulk buying. I am always amazed by the areas I can find to save the pennies and dollars. I reprice our car insurance every 6 months. Recently we signed a contract locking us into lower utility rates. If you really want to get out of a rut, consider the big ticket items.

4. Look for additional sources of income that you can generate while the kids are asleep or otherwise occupied. Emergency babysitting springs to mind as something that is always in demand. There are plenty of families who could use a daily babysitter. Check your state's laws and regulations regarding paid babysitting, but don't discount it. I can think of plenty of at home mothers, even mothers with large families, that have taken in a child needing care part time. If you have a specialized skill, print up free business cards at Vista Print and make it known that you are now freelancing.

5. Get everyone on board and go on a financial diet. Getting out of debt and then sticking to a budget, even a hand to mouth budget, is a quick way to increase your income because you will no longer be paying interest.

None of this will solve the tuition factor of course. At some point the community as a whole will have to face the fact that large families + universal private schooling doesn't quite add up.

That Would Be Too Easy!

Another letter to the Yated. While cyberspace is filled with buzz about how the tuition crisis is going to be fixed (or not fixed, as the case might be), we can't even take one of the most basic steps to help parents out: coordinate winter breaks?!

What I'd like to hear from my readers: what schedule changes would help you reduce additional out of pocket expenses? Although I'm resigned, I'm still hoping that bloggers can provide a productive forum.


MIDWINTER VACATION CRISIS
Dear Editor,
I would like to address the issue of different school schedules for midwinter vacation. I feel that this is a problem that can be easily rectified. Most families send their children to an average of three different yeshivas or schools. This could mean three different weeks of midwinter vacation. I feel that this practice is unfair both to the parents- many of whom are working - and to the children. If a child is the only one in the family who attends a particular yeshiva/school,
then he/she has no siblings to spend vacation with. In addition, parents cannot take off so
many days from work to accommodate the various vacation schedules. Unfortunately,
this may cause children old enough to be left home to be bored and unsupervised.

I suggest that within a community, all of the schools should get together and have the identical midwinter vacation schedule. This would enable parents to take off a few days from work and spend quality time with their entire family. A vacation is meant to be enjoyable, and I feel that one vacation schedule for the entire family would accomplish this.

I hope that all the yeshivos and schools will read this letter and take heart.
Thank you.
A Frustrated Parent With Three Different Vacation Schedules

Coming from the accounting field, I personally can't think of a worse time for vacation than mid-January.

Anyone Want to Guess the Fallout of Such a Proposal

I really wish that economics was a course required of all Yeshiva students so I wouldn't feel compelled to play armchair economist. What would the fallout of such a proposal be? I have my guesses (premature engagements, singles shut out of the dating process because it is already unaffordable, dinei Torah over small claims matters), but I want to hear yours. Let me just re-state my belief that social re-engineering and the "shidduch crises" can likely be correlated to a growing divorce rate. But, go ahead and try this. Similar ideas have been proposed before and the "throw money at it solution" always has it's true believers.

The more I torture myself reading these shidduch crisis letter, the more I'm ready to throw all the complainers into a big vineyard and let them sort it out for themselves.

IF IT’S BROKEN, LET’S FIX IT
Dear Editor,
If there is one thing that is obvious from the recent letters in the Yated regarding shadchanim and the shidduch process, it is that the present system is so clearly broken. Overwhelmed shadchanim, frustrated singles and parents, letters to the Yated… Where does it all end?

The following is a proposal that will go a long way towards fixing the problem.

As long as shadchanim get compensated only when they complete a shidduch, we can rest assured that there will continue to be a significant shortage of active shadchanim, thus ensuring the continuance of the vicious cycle. We, as a community, need to realize that redding a shidduch is a service no different than tutoring or any other job, and thus needs to be similarly compensated for.

A realistic proposal is that if a boy and girl meet three times, the shadchan, professional or not, at that point, should be paid $150 by each side. Three times clearly indicates a worthwhile suggestion with all the work involved and compensation is in order. As the shidduch continues, each side should pay $50 for each additional date. This payment should not be viewed as hakoras hatov, but rather as fair compensation for the valuable service the shadchan is providing. When we pay someone to learn with our children, we don’t consider his fee to be a token of hakoras hatov. Similarly, we shouldn’t view paying a shadchan any differently.
Implementing such a change would result in far more people redding shidduchim. Many potential shadchanim are paralyzed by the thought that unless a couple gets engaged, it is all a waste of time. In addition, people would be far more willing to redd shiddcuim to slightly older girls. The saying, “Young and dumb,” is somewhat true and is a primary reason that many shadchanim choose to focus on the younger girls.

If shadchanim were rewarded for their efforts, and not just for the finished deal, many more would try much harder for the slightly older girls. That would inevitably result in far more shidduchim for those girls.
N. P.

Entertaining Him

CLIMBING THE TABLES
Dear Editor,
I don’t know if this is the right address for this question. I have a healthy 18-month-old boy who is climbing tables and chairs and is getting hurt from falling down. We tell him not to do so and we try to distract him with other things, but we need more and better ideas. We are in need of age appropriate toys and activities.

We don’t send him to a babysitter, so he needs to be entertained the whole day. Please, fellow readers, share some advice or the name of someone, such as a mechanech, who can assist us in this regard.

Thank you.
Z. M.

A parent writes into the Yated this week looking for ideas on what to do regarding a very active 18 month old. Some kids are more active than others and there are plenty of ways to deal with active children. But I want to look at the highlighted part which is something that is so prevalent in child-rearing to day: the belief that children need to be "entertained."

I believe the first time I ever heard of the concept of entertaining children was when my first was turning two and talk of nursery school ensued. Being that I was not sending to nursery, I was regarded with a bit of curiosity to put it politely and a few first time mother friends asked me, but how are you going to keep him entertained *all day*? I think I was as confused as they were. It seemed as I had uncovered a generation gap, or at least a cultural gap, either being possible since I was a bit older and haven't acculturated into this mindset.

Now when I get the question of how I entertain my kids all day I answer very simply that I don't. Additionally, I believe that the approach that I need to "entertain" my kids is counterproductive, especially because the underlying assumption appears to be that kids must be stimulated continually. I think the 614th commandment is one that makes "boredom" assur.

My own approach to child-rearing is to go about all of the many things that need done and to let my children either participate in these activities (e.g. bring me silverware from the dishwasher to put away or clean a window with their own rag) or to find their own activities. Where they are not productively busy, I will try to direct their attention to something that would be interesting to them or assign a task. If things are really out of control, I've found that a change in environment can make a big difference. To make this more manageable, I have tried to set up a nice home environment for them and, although I sometimes don't always do a good job enforcing our rules, I do make a concerted effort to ensure that they respect their environment by not taking out too much at a time and putting away what is not in use. I do find myself actively involving myself in the organization of the living area because certain things can end up a thorn in the side if they aren't organized in an age-appropriate manner. I've found that an unruly environment affects behavior levels, while a homey, but neat environment promotes increased focus on the things they choose to do.

I do take the time to read with them and to play games because these are important activities for their development and they are quite enjoyable ways of connecting with a children. But I don't view my primary focus as a parent should be on entertaining them.

I think that this generation of parents with younger children put a tremendous emphasis on "entertaining" kids from a young age on. It seems to me that the stimulation seems to lead to a need for more stimulation. I just can't join the constant play date crowd or the must find things for my little ones to do crowd. I guess I don't have a mesorah for this way of doing things. But I can remember my own mother handing me a rag.

Tzedakah Marketing Gone Terribly Wrong

For once I am nearly speechless. I've written about tzedakah marketing campaigns centered around promises of miracles. I've written of tzedakah marketing that is simply obscene given the target audience. But this method of marketing will now top my list as the most tasteless and irresponsible of them all.

To promote tzedakah by guilting people about saving for retirement and creating mass panic about investments? Wow! I'm not quite sure what to say except that this is really low.

How can anyone possibly say with a straight face that the amount that Klal Yisrael (read: the frum community) places into retirement is "staggering" unless we are referring to staggeringly low? [Quote: "Let’s consider the net sum placed by Klal Yisroel in IRAs annually. It’s staggering.] You could say that a staggering amount is spent on tuition as well as debt servicing interest, cleaning help, camps, dating, weddings, sheitels, manicures, clothing, and even food. But retirement savings? No way, no how. I know highly paid professional couples that don't pay cash for their cars/minivans. Let's just say staggering[ly high] isn't the way I would describe the savings rate of the frum community!

A GUARANTEED INVESTMENT
Dear Editor,
I would like to suggest an excellent and fully guaranteed investment vehicle for this year’s IRA contribution. It’s called Klal Yisroel. It’s the oni who knocks at your door, it’s the local yeshiva that can’t pay their rabbeim, it’s the neighbors who can’t afford to make a wedding for their daughter, it’s the people in your community who have had their electricity shut off, it’s the many people facing eviction from their homes.

Let’s consider the net sum placed by Klal Yisroel in IRAs annually. It’s staggering. Can we collectively really afford to place that money in an investment that either will make or lose money, in an investment house that may or not be in existence when we retire? Is this prudent at a time like this? Can we find a better investment for our IRA? Permit me to present my suggestion:

Safety & Return: Hakadosh Boruch Hu Himself guarantees both the security of the
principal of our tzedakah investments, and a substantial return as well. To cite just one of numerous sources for this, the Torah tells us, “Aser te’aser es kol tevuas zarecha” (Devorim 14:22). Rashi tells us, “Aser bishvil shetisasher - Give tzedakah so that you become wealthy.” Rashi, with his ruach hakodesh, reveals for us the path to financial wealth. There are far more sources that can be cited to bring home the same point, but permit this one source to speak for them all.

Limits: We are free to invest as much as a chomesh, one fifth of our income, toward this guaranteed investment. “Beshuv Hashem” (Tehillim 126), once we have returned to seeing things with clarity, only then will we realize that “hoyinu kecholmim,” we were like dreamers. We were so wrapped up in our faith in the US banking system, which is weak, and the investment houses, many of whom failed and the rest of whom are weak, and had so much faith in the strength of America (uninvited guests dropping in on the President of the United States in the White House), that we completely lost sight of reality. Our faith was misplaced.

My friends, we’ve all been fooled. There is no stronger guarantee than the Torah, and no stronger Guarantor than Hakadosh Boruch Hu. Let’s begin by taking any
money we were going to place in IRAs this year and invest those dollars in alleviating the tzaar of Klal Yisroel. May I suggest we call the local yeshiva rather than waiting for them to call us? Let’s inquire whether the rabbeim and other staff members are up to date in their pay. Let’s take a deeper interest in the plight of the aniyim of our
community. Is there a local tzedakah fund that we can contact? Our rov probably knows which situations require the most immediate assistance. Let’s take a
deeper interest in aniyei Eretz Yisroel. The next time an oni knocks at our door, let’s try a little harder to focus on his plight.

Now, I’m not advocating a reckless abandonment of the US banking system. Rather, I’m suggesting that we place our IRA investments in a far better and more secure long-term investment, shoring up our more pressing needs right here in ouro wn Torah community.

These concepts are not new. Rather, they are the oldest and most proven concepts
in existence. Let’s be mechazeikeach other to reevaluate our priorities.
[Director of] Tomche Shabbos of Rockland County

Perhaps in response to the verses quoted I will quote birchat hamazon, "Please, Hashem, our G-d, make us not needful of the gifts of human hands nor of their loans -- but only of Your Hand that is full, open, holy, and generous, that we not feel inner shame or be humiliated for ever and ever." Yes, we have a lot of very pressing needs in our communities. And one of those pressing needs is financial stability.

Where will these families turn when they are no longer able to work? That's right! Us. And a note on the 20% rate we are allowed to give. There are many different opinions as to what ma'aser can be used for. Those that count tzedakah and tuition or partial tuition as ma'aser likely need not worry about hitting that 20%.

Trying to guilt people out of putting a little something away for their own future needs: Tasteless and irresponsible.

And with that note, a friendly reminder that you have until tax day 2010 to fund your IRA or ROTH IRA. In a recent post, the letter writer looking for solutions stated: "At this point, we need a lot of money just to get by, no matter how simply we live. We have children to feed and our expenses are only growing." If she only knew just how expensive older age can be she'd plotz. Having some hands-on knowledge about such things I will state unequivocally that we NEED community members to be saving for their future. Aging isn't inexpensive.

What Messsages are Our Kids Getting?

There was a letter to the editor in a recent Yated that addressed an advertisement that came home from his son's cheder. The advertisement was for a Sunday "fun school" for ages 2-6, or the boys who don't normally attend school on Sunday. The letter writer was disturbed not by the fact that such a school exists, as there are people who do need care on Sundays, but the advertising method. The advertisement stated:

“How in the world is a mother supposed to accomplish anything if the kids are home?”

This feeling, which was put into writing is in no way an aberration. I've seen this thought expressed very openly by mothers, teachers, and other chashuv people and quite frankly I find the expression of such a thought to be rather horrifying. In fact, I was planning a post on this very subject early this summer when a camp director approached me and asked if I hadn't enrolled my kids in camp because of the cost (I believe she had some extra spots and would have been happy to work a deal). I responded that we didn't need to send our kids because I was able to handle the work I do with the kids around. Her response: "but how can you stand them around all day?"

I was taken aback to say the least and wanted to say something like "what are you saying about MY children?" But I realized that she isn't talking about MY kids, but expressing her own feelings and thinking that I would relate. Instead of saying something snotty I'd be sure to regret, I just responded that we have a very lovely time together and that the summer is a great time to do things that are harder when you are on a schedule, which is true. And, I do enjoy my kids, but I'm not superhuman. At time, I feel like kicking everyone out of the house so I can get "something done."

But I find expressing that sentiment so openly to be extremely problematic and distasteful for that matter. Obviously the sentiment is strong enough that a school thinks it is a good way to advertise their program! Psychologists talk about self-fulling prophesies and I find that the more we talk about something unpleasant the bigger the monster becomes. And, our kids pick up on that too. There is a lot of talk about kids-at-risk, antisocial behavior and bullying, tzniut issues, etc. It seems to me that regarding children as a burden is a good way to cause many of the social ills that writers are writing about.

Just something to think about. More on the subject later I'm sure.

Update: Shortly after I had posted this post, I noted that blogger and homeschooling mom Avivah posted some thoughts on the subject "How can you stand to be around them all day?". The comments coming in on her site demonstrate once again that mothers are being told that being around their kids in large doses should make them crazy. My own observation is the opposite. When I'm around my kids in very large doses, such as in the summer, we fall into a nice rhythm. When we are dealing with the regular routine, a lot of tension can arise. It seems this observation is shared by others.

First Response to the Young Couples: Just Downright Mean

I have to say I am a bit disappointed that this letter below is the first to be published by the Yated in response to the young couple that wrote in recognizing that the "help" they received from their parents turns out to be of little help at all. I think I might have to edit and send in my own response for publication in hopes that some advice be published that is not only practical but sympathetic.

Clearly the newest letter writer does not understand that the parents did more harm than good by helping. Had the parents NOT lavished them with financial support and a monthly check that I think is one of the most terrible ideas out there, these young couples would have likely been able to see that their situation was headed out of control far earlier and they would have been able to take steps that are far more difficult to take at a later stage in life. It is far easier to correct financial missteps before having 2 or 3 children.

Now a handful of kids and a large mortgage later, their hands are essentially tied. It is very difficult to go out and rent a basement apartment or even a small apartment because of limitations on the number of occupants. If they had been renting that apartment before the children were born the children would be "afterborn." If they do default on their mortgage and leases or car loans, the default might not just cost them their good credit, home, and/or car, but the possibility of future employment opportunities and advancement as employers today are more and more likely to run credit checks for employment, security clearances, and advancements in jobs where the employee is responsible for handling money.

This isn't about managing without a bugaboo, which the smart couple will sell or consign. This is about finding out that the entire lifestyle that served up on a silver platter was an illusion and picking up the pieces. Personally, I find it far easier to put together the pieces going forward than to pick up the pieces going backwards.

I'd rather be the couple in the rented apartment without support than the couple with the far too large mortgage who just found out the well has run dry. The letter writer didn't come with a " 'tude," just questions about where to go a handful of kids later when no one ever bothered to fulfill the mitzvah of teaching the son a trade? Giving mussar to these couples about their obligation to be supportive of their parents trials and tribulations and saying other people have worse problems is rather cruel in my opinion. If anyone should be getting mussar, I think it best to direct that mussar at those who perpetuated this mess.

Recommended reading: The Millionaire Next Door which takes a look at the spending habits of the truly affluent (i.e. those who don't overleverage themselves and their children) and the differences in income an spending between those who were given "economic outpatient care" and those who were not.

SPOILED
Dear Editor,

Thank you for your amazing newspaper. I greatly look forward to it each week.

I’m responding to the letter which discussed certain young couples who aren’t sure what to do now that their parents are in a financial crisis. For some reason, I’m not too sympathetic. Welcome to the real world in which not everybody has money. Appreciate that your parents were generous all these years when they supported you lavishly. Lots of couples start off their married lives with almost nothing and don’t have rich parents to support them. They could be your neighbors, coworkers or friends. They don’t have fancy houses at the outset of their marriage, they live in rented apartments.

Now that your parents are going through some hard times, be sympathetic and supportive instead of complaining. Believe me, you can manage without your Bugaboo stroller and designer clothes.

Now, I really don’t know your individual circumstance and situation, but please. These should be the worst kinds of problems that anyone ever experiences. Frankly, I’m a little disgusted by the whole thing.
Sincerely,
L. Y.

What Now? Unpopular Advice for Young Families that Will No Longer be Receiving Support

This letter appears in the Yated and I'm hoping that somehow the advice I am going to try to offer will make its way into the circles wondering "what now?" I want to make it clear from the outset that I realize that the advice I offer isn't going to be popular, nor are the solution I offer going to be easy. And the advice might even appear to be insulting. But, I'm trying to deal with the numbers for those who see no solution while their life seemingly crumbles around them.


THE FINANCIAL CRISIS: HOW IT AFFECTS THE YOUNGER GENERATION

Dear Editor,

As we are all well aware, the world is falling apart financially. Yesterday’s millionaires are poverty stricken today. The lists of tzedakah organizations are endless, and there aren’t any more donors. I can’t imagine anyone possibly saying they haven’t yet been affected by this crisis, because we all have.

I am writing this letter on behalf of the younger generation. For those of us who are married for about five years (give or take) and have around three children, our lives are really “just starting” in a way, whether our husbands are in kollel or not. At this point, we need a lot of money just to get by, no matter how simply we live. We have children to feed and our expenses are only growing.

When many of us got married, our parents and/or in-laws were wealthy. They bought us whatever we needed. They told us “Yes” to whatever we asked for, they agreed to buy us a more expensive house, and they leased us the nicer cars. It was all working perfectly. There were no problems.

Now, however, things are different. Our parents’ finances have changed drastically over the past two years. They can’t give us what they used to, and we now have huge mortgage payments, car payments and child care expenses with no way to pay for them. Although the women may have degrees, the husbands have nothing. They have no way to make a decent living now. No one ever thought about the future, and we didn’t have to, because we were rolling in dough! The husbands don’t have the time or money to start a business or go to school at this point. They need the money now, and the wives can’t work so hard anymore, as they have large families to take care of.

This letter is not coming to blame anyone or to sound ungrateful. Parents, we are so thankful for what you’ve done for us and we have no taanos that you can’t give us anymore. We’re just
asking, what should we do? What is the answer? How are we supposed to manage?

There is probably no answer to this question, but one thing I can say is that when my children get married, I’ll probably do things a lot differently. Maybe the way we’ve done things until now didn’t make as much sense as we thought they did…

Sincerely,
A Grateful Child
Strapped for Cash


A few comments before the advice comes:

*I've written before about my thoughts on better and worse ways to help adult children, and I believe a monthly check is possibly one of the worst ways to help adult children. I think this letter further reinforces the pitfalls of monthly support (especially where the money was not actually available indefinitely). I believe that monthly support feeds into an inflated lifestyle due to its normally fluid arrangement, often I comes with strings of dependence, and it hides many of the warning signs that a financial situation is headed in an unsustainable direction. Hence, where support is offered, I think it is best to either make a lump sum gift(s) or fund a specific purpose such as college, funds to start a business, etc.

*Note the language regarding these wealthy parents, "Yesterday's millionaires are poverty stricken." I believe that what the writer is referring to is Hashem's hashgacha over our financial lives, a concept I firmly believe in and a concept that is pivotal in a relationship with a personal G-d. That said, I continue to hear and read about wealthy people who are no longer able to put food on the table and make their mortgage payments. I certainly don't intend to rub salt in wounds, but I hope we take a lesson from the current status quo and start to understand that an over leveraged lifestyle that indicates "wealth" is possibly an illusion.

*Re: "The lists of tzedakah organizations are endless, and there aren’t any more donors." This I believe and I hope this letter helps those who administer tzedakah agencies that it is critical to shorten the lists by funding first things first. I am still amazed that I am receiving solicitations where apparel, sheteils, and pricey sheva brachot for a kallah is mixed in with basic food for families that have no bread on their table! Incredible. But more on that later.

Now, let's talk about solutions. The writer seems to think there are no real answers. And, I'm almost certain that these answers would be laughed at and dismissed out of hand. But, I'm just going to present them anyways. I'm always thrilled when I receive emails from readers of this blog who have taken some of my advice and reported a positive change!

From the outset I think it is important to emphasize three things: 1) Some solutions I might suggest to piece together the puzzle are short-term. Short-term solutions may be unpleasant, perhaps very unpleasant. But, sometimes you have to plug the holes up before draining the boat. 2) I am not going to suggest taking on more debt or any "juggling act" to deal with the problem. Others are free to suggest such solutions in the comments. It isn't my style. My apologies. 3) It is an obligation for a father to teach his son a trade, so I don't think it is beyond the scope of this post to suggest that the parents who provided their children with all sorts of luxuries before fulfilling a most basic Torah obligation now help pick up the pieces.

So here we go in no particular order:

1. Complete the Role Reversal. I'm starting with the most offensive solution first! As the writer mentions, the husbands are ill trained and ill prepared for working, the wives are overworked by their growing families [and careers], and the expenses (including childcare) are out of control. The kollel lifestyle is extremely inefficient when it comes to preserving income. While many a kollel wife/husband has argued that stay-at-home-mothers also are part of a single income arrangement, the situations can rarely be compared. Normally the stay-at-home-parent does not have massive childcare expenses as their job is to take care of the children (!) and maximize the earnings of the income earner through frugality and availability so that the income earner can advance in his/her career by being able to work late into the night or travel where necessary.

Where the wife is already established in a career, a family may be well served to teach convert the kollel husband (or underemployed husband) to a "stay-at-home-dad." Short-term solutions are going to be about maximizing every dollar and putting away cash so that the long-term can be tackled.

I don't think many men have envisioned themselves as a homemaker (Mr. Mom) and I am fully aware that many men lack the skills, and desire for that matter, to run Daddy's pre-school, Camp Daddy, clean the home, cut the coupons, bargain shop, and engage in frugal cooking. But, minimizing large expenses is key. And, no matter how you cut it, day-care, preschool, and camp are large expenses that likely have to be cut out of the budget.

So there you have a possible short-solution to (significantly) increase cash, which I am labeling as "completing the role reversal." Of course, in a full role reversal world, the bargain-shopping, frugal cooking, Super-Dad would be able to roll into the hospital, birth the baby, and be back to running Camp Daddy within 2 weeks of giving birth. But at the very least, wives like the one who wrote this letter, should get a bit of relief.

Like I said before. . . . short-term, short-term, short-term. I believe Hashem designed the world with different roles in mind for men and women. On a long-term basis, this solution would likely be detrimental to the these familyfamilies. But, going broke can do that too.

2. Start from Scratch. The writer mentions leased cars and mortgages that are too large to handle. An important concept in business is to know when to stop throwing good money after bad. The leased cars can clearly go. In some cases they will have to be replaced by a "clunker." Just remember that many a tuition paying parent has driven a clunker to get from point a to point b to make their own ends meet.

It is difficult to imagine selling a home, but sometimes this is a worthwhile solution to investigate, especially where the mortgage payment can be traded in for a far lesser rent payment (although that will likely mean bunking up for quite a while).

The writer mentions cars and homes. She does not mention other assets. But chances are good that the parents who said "yes" to everything spent a tremendous amount of money funding the laundry list of engagement items from jewelry to silver, to say nothing of "push presents," fancy strollers, designer clothing, and sheitels. I try to listen to the Dave Ramsey Friday Show online while I cook for Shabbat (Friday is the day where people call in to scream that they are debt free), and have learned just what an impact a garage sale can have in getting the dominoes to fall while trying to get out of a sticky financial situation.

I certainly think that where expensive items can be converted to cash to change the financial footing, it should be considered. I understand that some of these items are sentimental and that I am stepping into sensitive territory. But if you need to rid yourself of the expensive lease and have something to pay for the clunker, or get rid of credit card debt, or actually come up with cash to start a business and/or fund a college/vocational education, it shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. Cold hard cash is helpful.

3. Different shifts. Back to eliminating those pesky daycare expenses, working different shifts can be tough on a marriage, but can be another good short-term solution for increasing cash in the short-term. I know of families that have arranged for long-term telecommute positions and other families that juggled children and graveyard shifts, all while keeping day care costs minimal. Those of us whose parents and/or grandparents owned small businesses likely spent a good deal of time being cared for on-sight. Once again, this is far from a desirable situation. But, in the short-term it can make a large dent. Of course, the long term solution is not just about cutting expenses, but increasing income.

4. Sharing resources within the family. I hate to place more work and responsibility on grandparents, but it seems to me that where the grandparents created a dependency situation, that playing a role on reserving the situation might just be the right thing to do. I do know of a number of kids with kids that have moved back in with the parents. Normally both the parents and grandparents are thrilled when such a situation ends!

I do know a number of grandmothers who provide unpaid daycare. Creating cooperative arrangements between siblings from the same families is another way to work together. Any such arrangements should be as formal as possible. Open ended arrangements are partially what got many of the families in these situations into trouble. So many grandparents look worn out as they care for little ones. And I know it isn't easy for these grandparents. I wouldn't make such a suggestion where an education and opportunity was provided. But where it was not, it might be worthy of consideration.

Siblings can also enter into agreements of their own. I recently met a mother who was out and about with her kids and her sister's kids. Turns out that the sisters share a purchased home (perhaps a duplex?) and everyone shares the childcare arrangements while the husband's complete their schooling and residencies. I believe that the wives each work part time. She told me that the arrangement is tough at times, but it is the best solution for them at this point.

Read about cooperative camps here. Such arrangements can be tremendously helpful in minimizing large expenses.

5. Don't lay down and play dead! The writer states: "The husbands don’t have the time or money to start a business or go to school at this point." Please, for your sake, stop making excuses because it is holding you back! You are young. You are healthy. You can make a dent in your situation. Don't convince yourself that you can't do anything at this point because plenty of people have changed course in life. But I do suggest getting out there and asking questions, listening to people, cooperating other families. The solutions aren't going to come from people who are in lock step with the thinking that has brought a good number of people to the place they are in now.

I'm going to conclude now before touching on any other sensitive subjects. We can deal with those in a future post. I'm also not detailing long term solutions as I think that it is fairly obvious. Also obvious is that tuition is a HUGE problem for these families and everyone else for that matter. Part of alleviating that problem will be to lessen the tzedakah roles and move people from dependency to work.

Commentors: offer up your own solutions and experiences in turning around a touchy situation. I have no monopoly on solutions and there is plenty more to talk about.

Let's Be Honest

This week's Yated as well as last week's Yated featured letters from part time kollel wives of large families telling readership that it is possible to "make it" and be happy on a very, very limited income. I don't doubt the joy that the parents receive from their choices, but when it comes to the money situation, I find myself a bit annoyed because the approach is a bit disingenuous, for lack of a better word.

The letter writer from the previous week wrote about full-time working women (whom she accuses of buying fancy clothing and having lots of household help) end up forcing their husband's out into the working world quicker than the part-time teachers/secretaries/etc. Perhaps some of these full-time working women are unnecessarily materially indulgent, but even if they weren't, the mere fact that they work full-time work likely changes their kollel equation. Likely, the women working part-time in frum schools are receiving a number of government benefits that their counterparts working full time aren't receiving. Each income threshold you pass eliminates another government benefit, including benefits that people often forget about, namely the Earned Income Tax Credits (both Federal and State) that you don't have to apply for in the same way you apply for WIC or Food Stamps.

Full-time work (with no parent at home) normally require a great deal of costly around the clock child care or household help. Once you add in a commute and no longer work core hours, to say nothing of having care that extends to cover all of the many days the kids have off from school, you simply face a different financial equation than the wife who can work 3-4 hours a day 10-15 minutes down the street.

And, few people drop off used clothing to "rich" families.

The following is this week's letter. I wish I had the Chinuch Roundtable discussion discussing whether or not children are negatively affected. But, I think that after reading this, we can conclude that whether or not her children are being negatively affected, the SCHOOLS are being affected because she can't pay tuition. She might talk a nice talk about how important chinuch is and how teachers should be paid. . ... . . . but she isn't paying in full, on time, every time!

CONTENT WITH WHAT WE HAVE
Dear Editor,
I enjoyed reading last week’s Yated Chinuch Roundtable discussion which focused on the kollel lifestyle: husbands learning, wives working, and the possibility of children being negatively affected. Many important points were mentioned, and I found them all very interesting. Please allow me to express some of my thoughts and feelings as a person living the lifestyle under discussion.

My husband has been learning in kollel for the past fifteen years. We have nine children between the ages of one and thirteen years. I work hard - very hard - at home and as a part-time teacher in a girls’ seminary. I love my life, and there’s no one else I’d rather be.

Our home, a four-bedroom rented apartment, can be described as “yeshivish.” It’s old and simple, warm and cozy, and I love being in it. So do my children’s friends, who are always welcome, including overnight and for Shabbosos. I don’t have to worry about anyone jumping
on the couch or ruining any furniture, because I got it for free, and it’s not too gorgeous.

We don’t spend much on anything that’s not absolutely necessary. Secondhand clothing suits us fine. We have some toys from here and there. What else do we need? Briefcases and even loose-leaves can be reused from last year, and when they can’t, we buy new ones (not the Hello
Kitty ones or whatever other expensive brand might be in style now).


The only thing I wish I had more money for is my children’s tuition. Their mechanchim are so dedicated and hardworking, and they deserve to be paid. The schools are so considerate. They politely mail us a bill every month, but they never apply any kind of pressure. I don’t like to take advantage of their kindness. I hope someday to be able to pay back every penny we owe them. That’s on my mind a lot.

If I had loads of money, I could send my kids off to day camp during the summer and enjoy some hours of peace and quiet to get my work done in the mornings. But that’s not an option, so instead we stay home and my girls make a day camp for the neighborhood children. It’s
fun, and it’s a lot of mess and noise, and yes, I do work much harder, and that’s okay. My children are content with what we’re doing. I’m not making this up. You can ask them.

We don’t have cleaning help. When there’s money available, I get much more pleasure out of paying the people who teach my children than paying somebody to wash my floors. I do what I can, and the house is not completely clean and neat. Some of your readers may be horrified
to hear that, but it’s the truth and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Life is too short and too precious to dedicate to something that doesn’t last, and a spotless house doesn’t last at all. Not with nine kids living in it. And even if somebody does manage to keep her house looking perfect, so what?
What’s so great about that?


People often comment that my children are so happy. I’m trying to analyze why. Maybe it’s a free gift from Hashem. Maybe they’re happy because their parents are happy. They don’t get many expensive presents or go on major trips (we don’t have a car), but we try to give them
little things here and there, and they’re very grateful. Once in a while, I sneak a treat into their briefcases at night with a note telling them that I love them. When they come home, they thank me happily. Once, we passed one of those outdoor rides - you know, those trains or animals
that move and sing when you insert two quarters. They jumped on, about seven or eight kids at once - on top, on the sides, in the back - and held on tightly as I put the money in. One of my little girls said, “Mommy, you’re so nice. You’re spending your money on us!” She’s such a
cutie pie.

My work outside of the home does tire me out, and yes, it’s possible that as a result, I have less time and energy for my children, but they don’t seem to be suffering too much. In fact, I asked
them once or twice if there’s any other family they’d prefer to be in, and they all answered clearly, “No!” (They also told me that probably all kids like their own families best.)

My work means a lot to me, but my family definitely comes first, and if my child’s class is having a Chanukah play or a graduation on a day that I work, I miss work and attend the performance.

Every word of Torah that my husband learns is a treasure, and I’m so happy to be earning it with him. I feel so lucky. Thank You, Hashem, for my good life.


I’m attaching a poem that I read at a fundraising tea organized by the PTA of my children’s school. Your readers might enjoy it.

Wishing all of Klal Yisroel joy and blessing always,

Chavie H.

Education and Economics: "Financial Aid"

The part in orange is outdated as the Justice Department put a stop to this practice, but I'm including it for context. While the Ivy Leagues may no longer collude, it is certainly relevant to the discussion of tuition as such a practice was just proposed by a Brooklyn school principal in the Yated who is upset that parents are "shopping around" for schools. He believes a "unified standard of tuition as well as scholarship standards" can put a stop to this awful practice. It certainly could put a stop to such a practice and destroy any semblance of a market. So take the orange notes in historical context. Additionally, even where there is not organized collusion, I have heard of certain schools that wait to see where other schools set tuition before raising their tuition.

While the parallels to our own yeshiva system are not particularly strong, I do see some parallels, most specifically that "financial aid" in the form of credit and perhaps even "subsidies" from grandparents allow (combined, of course, with pressure to stay within the system) allows for an exponential increase in tuition. Additionally, our schools know a tremendous amount about the finances of their applicants and are able to create individual tuition prices, which is probably one of the challenges that stands in the way of creating "Chevrolet Schools."

I hope that everyone has taken some new idea out of these excerpts. I feel I have more clarification over certain concepts. So, at the very least, it has been interesting to me. :)

In the ordinary transactions of the marketplace, competition from rival producers limits how much a given business can charge its customers. In the academic world, however, organized collusion among some of the most expensive colleges has stripped the students and their parents of this consumer protection. Each spring, for 35 years, the Ivy League colleges, M.I.T., Amherst, Northwestern, and a dozen other colleges and universities have met to decide how much money they would charge, as a net price, to each individual student out of more than 10,000 students who have applied to more than one institution in this cartel. The lists of students have been compiled before the annual meetings and officials from the various colleges have decided how much money could be extracted from each individual, given parental income, bank account balance, home equity, and other financial factors. Where their estimates differed, these differences were reconciled in the meetings and the student then received so-call "financial aid" offers so coordinated that the net cost of going to one college in the cartel would be the same as the net cost of going to another.

The U.S. Department of Justice began investigating these and other colleges in 1989. With a legal threat of anti-trust prosecution by the government, and a class action suit on behalf of students, handing over this group of colleges, pending the outcome of the investigation, Yale and Barnard dropped out of the meetings in 1990, and in 1991 the meetings were canceled.

A cartel or a monopoly maximizes its profits by charging not only a high price but also, if possible, a different price to different groups of customers, according to what they market will bear in each separate case. Seldom can most business cartels or monopolies carry this to the ultimate extreme of charging each individual customer what the traffic will bear, as the academic cartel did. But academic institutions are armed with more detailed financial information from financial aid forms than most credit agencies require, and for decades have been comparing notes when setting their prices, in a way that would long ago have caused a business to be prosecuted for violation of the anti-trust laws. In other respects, however, the colleges and universities use the same methods as business cartels or monopolies. Like monopolistic price discriminators in the commercial world, private colleges and universities set an unrealistically high list price and then offer varying discounts. In academia, this list price is called tuition and the discounts is called "financial aid."

The widespread availability of financial aid--often received by more than half of the students at the more expensive colleges--changes the whole nature of tuition. Back when scholarships were awarded to a needy fraction of the students, this was clearly a matter of philanthropy and reward for academic ability. Today, varying amounts of financial aid are awarded up and down the income scale, and very little of it has anything to do with the quality of the student's academic record or with philanthropy to the poor. Approximately two-thirds of the undergraduates at Harvard and four-fifths of those at Rice receive financial aid. The average family income of financial aid recipients at Harvard in academic year 1990-91 was $45,000. These financial aid recipients included more than 400 whose family incomes were above $70,000, of whom 64 came from families with incomes exceeding $100,000.

Harvard is not unique in this respect. At Marquette University, for example, out of 119 students in the class of 1989--90 who came from families with incomes of $60,000 to $70,000 and who applied for financial aid, 71 were declared eligible for it, as were 74 of 192 students from families with incomes above $70,000. Similar figures are common at other private colleges and universities. The President of M.I.T. noted that financial aid applicants at that institutions "are distributed almost uniformly across the spectrum of family income." The percentage of applicants who receive aid typically varies by income level and so does the amount of the aid received, so that the net price actually charged is adjusted to the most that can be extracted from each applicant's family.

Ordinarily, price discrimination does not work in a competitive marketplace, because those charge extortionate prices will be bid away by competitors, until the price is competed down to a level commensurate with the cost of producing whatever commodity or service is being sold. But this does not happen among high-priced colleges which engage in organized collusion. The picture is complicated somewhat by the fact that the term "financial aid" encompasses both paper discounts from tuitions listed in college catalogues and actual transfers of money--the real bulk of this money being government-provided or government-subsidized. Philanthropic aid also continues, enabling a needy fraction of students to cover their cost of living, as well as tuition. Fundamentally, however, college-provided "financial aid" is a method of producing a sliding scale of tuition charges, like ordinary price discrimination elsewhere--and like successful price discrimination elsewhere, it is a by-product of collusion.

Next up: To be determined.