Back to Life, Back to Reality
Anyone remember that song? I don't have a clue what the lyrics are beyond the six words noted above, but I've found myself humming the tune of the song with some trepidation and a lot of excitement.
Those who know me know that I need normalcy, predictability, and consistency. Having a new baby in the home is absolutely wonderful. But, the circus that accompanies it (and I mean circus in the nicest possible way) is anything but normal or predictable. And, it brings no consistency.
When I came back from the hospital, it was like entering another universe. Regular schedules and disciplines were not followed. Already too late bedtimes were hours later. My toddler was completely thrown off during my all too long hospital visit, and he was overwhelmed by the change of routine. He didn't recognize this household any better than I could. From who sat where at the table to who was in charge of the household (apparently him!), things were confusing.
In addition, things had been rearranged and finding what I needed proved a challenge fit for an investigator (fortunately, I have some experience!). Let's just say, if it wasn't screwed into the wall, there was a good chance that it had been moved. Apparently, I don't stack my dishes appropriately and my chemicals should be arranged differently. While these are minor things for a regular visit with family, when your hormones are going nuts, theses little molehills are mountains.
The flood of family visitors--a wonderful beracha-- is also a character test from shamayim. Fortunately, I didn't blow a fuse or withdraw. But, I can' say I passed with an A plus either.
Last time we did this, we had a spare bedroom and I was overwhelmed by having our house taken over and by the feelings of complete powerlessness brought on by a myriad of changes introduced into my house. Things were moved, foods I don't like were brought in, and things I wanted to use were being occupied 100% by others. I know it sounds petty, but when I am in my home I want to be able to be able to find things I need, eat food I like, and use my telephone and computer when I need to.
This time, we had even less house per capita. There is no longer have a spare bedroom. And, familial guests were making the place seem really squishy. During Shabbat, I couldn't find a quiet place to sit. Even the master bedroom was like public territory due to an unfortunate problem with our second bathroom. This time I have vowed (bli neder, of course) that if we are ever blessed enough to have another child (or even if we aren't), that we will be living in a larger place-preferably with a basement to which we can send everyone so we can maintain the regular environment for those who are suffering attachment issues because I will (sadly enough) never have a short hospital visit. My goal this year is to save money like mad to get a sizable enough downpayment to make this happen.
Of course, the upside of having family around is huge and I couldn't be more thankful for the help with stocking up the pantry, getting to doctors appointments, running small errands, playing with the kids, letting me run into the pharmacy without taking the kids in, and more.
But this week everything changed, and for the positive, I think. All extra persons returned home. I started and even finished some work for some clients. I got bedtimes back on schedule with a lot of persistence, and the baby is even sleeping better at night. And yesterday, I had a few hours to sit and regroup.
And, after all of that I have declared BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY. And, I am so glad. I'm nervous to venture out by myself with an overeager toddler and baby in weather that is getting colder by the day. But, at a certain point, I just need to settle into normal life, even when that normal life is now different.
Can anyone else relate?
16 comments:
Yes. So far, I don't think we've ever hit that "everything is in its place" zone. In 2.5 years.
The lactation consultant with our first decided to help us clean up the house. It was a huge mess and we really apprecitaed the assistance...except we could not find ANYTHING after she left.
With our second, my in-laws decided to move here six days after the baby was born. MIL showed up at my door unannounced, not to help or see new baby but to see my (at the time) three year old. He was happily playing with the baby-sitter we hired for him, had a new baby sister, all his routines thrown off - and someone he hasn't seen in six months is in his face wanting to be hugged and played with. When he had a tantrum about the interuption, MIL got angry and we had to expend energy on dealing with her being angry when I really needed rest and help.
Obviously, as you said, there was a ton of helpful stuff too. These are just the things that come to mind to empathize with you. I was sorry to hear I missed your cacll - please call again when you can!
I have four natural born children and one legal ward. I have just now got my house to a point where there's a place for everything and a thing for every place, and stuff is organized in such a way that it flows well and doesn't get too messy - my youngest is now 11. That's not to discourage you at all, it's to tell you that your situation is perfectly normal, your frustrations are perfectly normal, and it's unreasonable for people to expect everything to be perfect when you're dealing with young kids all day long. Don't stress! One thing you do need to do is set a boundary - at least one small one. Trust me, pick a chair in a corner somewhere and designate it as your chair, wherein the penalty for anyone else sitting on it is death, even if you're not even in the room. Announce this to everyone and stick to your guns. That one little change will make a big difference, believe it or not. The rest will come in time. Take a deep breath and relax. Everything will get better in time. And mazel tov!
Back to Life Back to Reality - En Vogue
Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to life, back to reality
Back to the here and now yeah
Show me how, decide what you want from me
Tell me maybe I could be there for you
However do you want me,
However do you need me
How, however do you want me,
However do you need me.
However do you want me,
However do you need me
How, however do you want me,
However do you need me.
Back to life, back to the present time,
Back from a fantasy yeah
Tell me now, take the initiative
I'll leave it in your hands until you're ready oh
However do you want me,
However do you need me
How, however do you want me
However do you need me,
However do you want me
However do you need me
How, however do you want me
However do you need me
However do you need me
However do you need me
However do you need me
However do you need me
I live at the top of the block,
No more room for trouble or fuss
Need a change, a positive change look
Look it's me writing on the wall
However do you want
However do you
Back to life, back to the day we have
Let's end this foolish game
Hear me out, don't let me waste away
Make up your mind so I know where I stand
Sephardi Lady, if you didn't blow a fuse, you rank an A+ in my book. I'm not clear if you meant that others rearranged your home in your absence, but I remember being angry to find upon my return from the hospital that some things were washed that I had said not to wash. It made me feel that my own wishes about my own household were ignored, which upset me.
It's a major adjustment for both the toddler who is used to being the baby and his mother to deal with a new baby. Anyone who tells you it's easy is not being wholly honest. But it is also wonderful to see siblings interact and share with each other. It's not so wonderful seeing the inevitable fights, but it is all par of the course. I know that you will handle it well with your better than common sense.
can't relate quite yet--- give me a few more weeks or even a month and a half or so.... :) Adam's parents are planning to visit for 2 weeks and stay with us!?!?!?!?!? I had suggested that they might want to wait until the babies are 2 weeks old or so to come meet the newbies but then I realized I'd be cheating them out of attending a bris and/or naming open house event/ kiddush. Plus they really want to be here for the birth. okidokee. The upside is that mom likes to clean and does a great job. So while I'm feeding, burping and changing, she'll be cleaning. :) And frankly, where she puts things will be fine with me--- she's more organized than I am. :) Mazel tov again on your new addition, and thanks a LOT for getting that song stuck in my head now.
Mazel tov! It's kind of like that story with the man who takes all of the farm animals into his home on the rabbi's advice, and it's so spacious when he takes them out. I feel your pain - when RaggedyDad's relatives come, they come for weeks, they cook, they sit around, and they don't speak English! Hatzlacha getting back into the swing of things!
Right, you will never see normal again!! You describe the "reality" very well.
MKG, I would think that two adults are not enough for newborn twins!! Especially when they are your first and everything is so new. Are you having any other help?
It helps to let houseguests know what is expected of them and how they can best help you. But you can't control what is happening when you aren't there.
Boy can I relate. Pick your battles, decide what is crucial to YOUR wellbeing. Forget what others say, feel, you need to decide what things can be let go and what things can't. That being said please don't be too hard on yourself, you don't have to have the perfect house. It's ok to let things go, I know easier said than done. Resign yourself to disorder, it's short lived and wouldn't you rather be doing things with your children than always cleaning. That said the kids can help picking up, I never understood why this was only mommy's job.
I just got my house in order and felt that i now had it back in control, all toys were banished to kid's rooms or the basement. I felt like a person again when mom and all her stuff moved in.A closed door is a blessing as all the boxes and junk are piled up in my guest room. Maybe one day i will reclaim my house until then ...
Mazal Tov an your newst addition and Shabbat Shalom.
queeniesmom reminded me of an expression that I believe is "Cleaning up whil you have children is like shoveling while snow is falling." It also would work for raking while leaves are still falling. My son came to his own realization of this. He is actually quite neat but usually does not clean outside his own room. One time he straightened up in the living room. But he complained of the futility of it when it subsequently got messy again. Yup, the story of life with kids, especially with no paid cleaning help. I did start demanding more of the children and do sometimes compensate $1 for vacuuming or some cents for matching socks, putting away laundry, etc. Except for the oldest, they do get a regular allowance, and the amount he gets is really, really little. (I don't mean by 5 Towns standards, but by any standards.)
Glad I'm not the only one with issues resulting from leaving the home for an extended period of time.
Ariella hit the nail on the head with this statement:
"It made me feel that my own wishes about my own household were ignored, which upset me. "
I hate the feeling completely disrespected in my own home. To me that is supposed to be a safe haven, and even though it might seem like a favor to stack the dishes in a different way. . . at least ask first.
Unfortunately, kids also adjust to new rules (read: LACK OF RULES) very quickly. Somehow all of the work I've done with my older one was undone in less than a week. And, unfortunately, I don't feel enough strength to do what needs done. I've never found myself having so many conversations with Hashem. Hopefully He will grant me the koach I need to clean up all the messes.
SL, you can't undo two years of hard work in two weeks. Even though it may seem like it now.
oh yes. I can relate. Ditto about having your wishes disrespected. Especially when you like things "just so"
With a three month-old baby and a toddler at home, I can totally relate. Bedtime and other routines here are still a little fuzzy, but we're working on getting back on track. Mazal Tov on your new baby, you should have lots of nachas (and a little space and time for yourself)!
After my experience, I can say that you must make limits - be as tough as you have to be. I wasn't, and when I look back to the period when my daughter was born, I realize how unhappy I was and how I couldn't spend time with my newborn. I had four family members show up the day after I returned from the hospital, all expecting to be fed and taken care of. I was too polite and made dinner, tea, etc. When they finally left a few days later, the other side came to visit - they wanted to sightsee - with me and the baby! Again, I was too polite and I was dragging this poor two-week old baby through the streets of the city, and I literally wanted to cry. The bottom line is - take care of yourself! If people must come (and it's better if they wait a month or so, until you feel like a human again), give them tasks. This one shops, this one does laundry. You get the baby.
I know how that feels. We just go back from a week vacation. Oh, and I LOVE that song.
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