Oral Messorah? The etiquette of Tipping for Religious Services

I was at a mikvah meeting not too long ago where the subject of tipping the mikvah attendant came up. To make a long story short, I have never tipped the attendant (apparently the custom is 50/50), and I feel like I've been left out in the dark Now don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to tipping, it just had never occurred to me to ask about such and no one ever informed me about such.

I took a top notch kallah class and the subject of tipping was never discussed. I have lived in various communities with different types of arrangements regarding the mikvah (full time mikvah manager, several paid attendants, and numerous rotating volunteer attendants or "buddies") and I have never heard the subject discussed. And if there is an oral messorah out there, I wish I knew about it because I don't want to be insulting an attendant by not tipping. . . nor do I want to be insulting an attendant by tipping.

I like to know what is expected. When I go to a restaurant, there is a place on the receipt labeled tip. So, I'm aware that a tip is expected. When I go to an ice cream shop or a coffee shop, there is usually a little jar by the cash register labeled tips. I'm aware that a tip would be appreciated, but that it isn't necessarily expected.

Our mikvah has a per usage fee of nearly $20 (reduced for kollel wives and students) and they regularly solicit for memberships and additional donations as the costs of running a mikvah are not covered in their entirety by usage fees alone. Yet I have never seen a word about other expected or appreciated gestures.

In general, we are the types to pay whatever we are asked, even if it is voluntary or not strictly enforced (so long as it is reasonable). Kiddush fund? Seudah Shlishit Fund? Eruv Fund? No problem, add it to our bill. The expectation that we are to contribute to certain funds is no secret. And, Baruch Hashem we are able to contribute and happily do so.

But why is it the tipping etiquette for a mikvah is a secret? If I should be tipping for certain religious functions, I would desperately like to be made aware of such. And, I'd also like to know what is appropriate? In addition, I think it would be helpful to set up the means to allow tips to be left in the most appropriate fashion, assuming I should be leaving them. And considering different communities have different standards, I don't want to be in another community and snub the attendant unknowingly.

Considering the fact that certain woman are unable to pay the full fee for the mikvah and the attendants are paid, albeit probably not much, it would probably be insensitive to post a note at the mikvah itself delineating appropriate tips since it would put everyone on the spot. And, I'm not sure it would be appropriate for those unable to pay the full usage fee to give "extras." Those who can pay the fee, but could only give a tiny tip would probably feel very uncomfortable handing it directly to the attendant (or leaving it in a way that it was obvious from whom the giver was). And on the flip side, a mikvah attendant could be put into a very uncomfortable position if someone over-tipped, especially if the tip was intended to help an attendent of lesser means. Most people don't want to feel like a tzedakah case, especially when they are working.

In short, if I should be giving a tip, I would really like to know. There are plenty of ways to put the word out: include a note in the next solicitation. Collect tips before Rosh Hashanah, Pesach, or Chanukah for all attendants are let the financial committee distribute them accordingly. Or, perhaps, in addition to a drop box for fees , there should be locked boxes labeled with the names of attendants (who wouldn't mind being tipped). Tips could be left discreetly and anonymously by those using the mikvah, and tips could also be left for a particular person at a later time also.

When I found out that tipping is prevalent, although not universal, my husband and I had a back and forth about the issue. As it turns out, the religious tipping issue is not just limited women, so men are welcome to add their comments. My husband tells me that men tip the Rabbi for selling their Chametz. We can't really understand why we should be tipping for this service. Our shul pays the Rabbi a very respectable salary (in the six figures) and we believe this is such a basic function of the Rabbi. So when I asked my husband how much people are giving in tips, he tells me he has seen some people are tipping with hundreds(!). Well, if a tip is really expected, we'd probably be happy to stop by bank and a few bucks, or even a $5 or $10 bill. But, when others are tipping in the hundreds, I honestly have no idea what is appropriate (although tipping with a hundred in public seems highly inappropriate). But at this rate I honestly have no idea what my husband should be tipping, if anything. And there is apparently also an oral messorah that one should tip when buying your arba minim from the Rav. Goodness, here to tipping never occurred to me (I write the check and usually end up picking up the arba minim, always an experience since I'm usually the only woman present). Who tips for retail?

And then there is the infamous Chanukah Gelt issue. There are schools out there that basically expect parents to pay the Rebbes directly at Chanukah (and I'm told there are some families that give gelt in the thousands). I haven't had experience with this phenomena but would invite a guest post on the issue. My take on this custom: it just ain't happening here. If we can find $15K plus per school age kid for many, many, many years to come that itself will be a Chanukah miracle. I appreciate that others give to the Rebbes, but direct gifts from parent to Rebbe have got to put the lesser givers in a terrible position, real or imagined. (Any guest posters out there?)

Do you tip? And what for? Comments? Thoughts? I'm open to hearing all feedback, positive and negative. And if you are confused too, welcome to the club.