Guest Post: Seminary and Shabbat

I'm thankful to all of my guest posters who are keeping this blog active while I deal with some other things and catch up on some work. Thanks Mom in Israel! Post follows:

Guest post for Orthonomics on Seminary Girls

Many thanks to my blog-friend and now real-life friend 'Sephardi Lady' for inviting me to post.

The scene: Monday evening in the dormitory hallway. Girls crowd around the public phones, trying to organize a place for Shabbat. I finger my asimonim and my address book, searching for someone I haven't been to in a while. People know that girls need places and are always inviting them for Shabbat, but I am shy. Also, my mother taught me that it wasn't polite to invite yourself to someone's house, so I don't call people that I felt weren't sincere. The people I reach sound disappointed when they say, "This week isn't good for us, but you can call back in a couple of days if you're really stuck." A couple of days is too late; I have to sign up my Shabbat location by Wednesday morning. And who wants to go to someone on an inconvenient week?

The school doesn't leave us completely at loose ends, and maintains lists of families that have offered to host students. You can also stay in the dorms and be invited within the neighborhood, or cook for yourselves in your apartment's kitchen. The catch is that you have to be with a friend, and my friends have more Shabbat invitations than they can handle. So Tuesday evening finds me knocking on my friends' doors, hoping that their hosts' generosity can be expanded to include an out-of-town hanger-on.

When Sephardi Lady mentioned that girls have been asking their parents for money for Shabbat meals [link], I sympathize with the girls. It's no fun to go away every single week, unless you are visiting close relatives. Parents who can afford to send their children to Israel should be expecting to pay for all of their daughters' meals, and not be dependent on the graciousness of near strangers.

One friend agrees to get "set up" with me for Shabbat, and we go to a kollel couple. It turns out that the hostess has "setting up" of a different kind in mind; she is looking for shidduchim for her husband's colleagues. She sees that I am not interested so she concentrates on my friend, pumping her for details whenever I go to the bathroom.

Now I'm on the other side, and I still think the system doesn't work. I live in an out-of-the-way, unglamorous place as far as overseas programs are concerned. So on the rare occasion that I am asked, I am usually glad to host. If not, I say no. But I gather that families in other locations get asked quite frequently, and may feel pressured to agree.

There are two reasons programs for girls don't provide for Shabbat. One is shul. When my college had a rare in-Shabbat, we were brought to the yeshiva next door for davening, and ushered out before we had a chance to socialize. Also, yeshivas consider Shabbat an important part of the bonding experience, while girls traditionally spend Shabbat in a family environment (and are expected to help, whether they go home or to hosts).

I met a woman recently who spent a year in a Bet Yaakov type seminary in Israel. Most of the families that the seminary sent her to welcomed her, but a few seemed more interested in the household help than in having a guest. From the moment she walked in, she was on duty to help with the children and housework. Some families did not have enough food even for themselves. Once, she was shown a bed with sheets that reeked of urine. Often the wives were overwhelmed with caring for small children and desperate for a break. The seminaries felt that this was good training for the girls and a fair exchange for meals. The woman I met added that she complained if the situation was bad, and the seminary would stop sending girls to that family.

Then there are the summer programs. One of them asked a community to host high-school-age girls for Shabbat. My friend told me that at noontime Friday, the bus dropped off two girls who were expecting lunch. Why should baalabatim, who are already hosting guests for Shabbat meals, provide Friday lunch for girls whose parents can afford to send them on a summer tour? Mimi of Israeli Kitchen describes a similar situation. Mimi told it as a humorous story, but there is a dark side as well. What if those girls hadn't been so friendly and well-mannered, or Mimi couldn't have spared the extra food? I remember being advised to eat lunch on Fridays so I wouldn't arrive at my hosts starving.

I benefited so much from the hospitality of others. As a single, I was grateful, although I didn't understand all that was involved. But at what point does it cease to be hospitality, and become taking advantage?

I don't blame the students at all. I simply believe that the girls' programs need to limit the number of free Shabbatot. And we haven't touched on the issue of holidays, and harder still, the days before and around the holidays.

I don't see the situation changing anytime soon. So unless your daughter has close friends or relatives she can use as a base, I suggest the following to parents:

1. Ask the programs when and how they arrange home hospitality. Try and choose a program that does not rely on weekly hospitality .
   
2. Teach your children how to act in the homes they are visiting. Jameel posts some guidelines.
   
3. If your children are spending a lot of time in the home of another family, send a note to the family thanking them. Consider sending a gift as well. (In general I don't appreciate or expect gifts for hosting, but long-term is different.)
   
4. Find out where your children are going for Shabbat, with whom, and how they know the hosts.

Thank You Cards, A Thing of the Past?

Thanks to my mother, writing thank you cards is practically a reflexive action. I remember when I was young, she would bring out all the supplies the day after my birthday parties and put me to work. Basically the rule was that you didn't go anywhere until the cards were completed.

This discipline has continued to serve me well into my adult life, although I'm embarrassed to say that after my babies have been born I've been somewhat delinquent with thank you card writing, often leaving my gifts unacknowledged for a number of weeks. Someone once called me to ask if I received the gift since they did not get a card. For me this was very embarrassing. Maybe I just felt embarrassed since I had all of our wedding thank you cards in the mail no later than a month after our wedding, even though Miss Manners gives one year or so I'm told. [Update: My readers are far more familiar with Miss Manners and have informed me that a couple has a few weeks to put out the Thank You Cards and gift givers have a year to give their gifts].

I don't keep a running count, but I have noticed that we do not always receive acknowledgement for our gifts. My guess is that we receive more Bar Mitzvah acknowledgments than Wedding acknowledgments. And I believe we are running a near zero on birthday acknowledgements, while birth/brit milah acknowledgments are hit or miss. My husband points out that most of the birthday gifts are for family members, but that never made a difference to my parents. But maybe this is just a convention I'm unaware of.

Questions for my readers: Am I the only one not receiving acknowledgment often enough to notice? Do you insist your children write thank you cards (where capable)? Do you help them where they are not capable? Do you write thank you cards for gifts you receive? Do you write thank you cards to your own parents and/or in-laws?

Or, alternatively, are you of the opinion that thank you cards are "old fashioned" and an oral acknowledgement is enough?

Just in case you are interested, we help write the thank you cards for our kids and plan to continue to insist that gifts be acknowledged in writing. It is just the way I grew up and writing thank you cards is an ingrained habit. But, I'm learning that this custom is by no means universal, so I try not to take offense at the lack of acknowledgment.

Oral Messorah? The etiquette of Tipping for Religious Services

I was at a mikvah meeting not too long ago where the subject of tipping the mikvah attendant came up. To make a long story short, I have never tipped the attendant (apparently the custom is 50/50), and I feel like I've been left out in the dark Now don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to tipping, it just had never occurred to me to ask about such and no one ever informed me about such.

I took a top notch kallah class and the subject of tipping was never discussed. I have lived in various communities with different types of arrangements regarding the mikvah (full time mikvah manager, several paid attendants, and numerous rotating volunteer attendants or "buddies") and I have never heard the subject discussed. And if there is an oral messorah out there, I wish I knew about it because I don't want to be insulting an attendant by not tipping. . . nor do I want to be insulting an attendant by tipping.

I like to know what is expected. When I go to a restaurant, there is a place on the receipt labeled tip. So, I'm aware that a tip is expected. When I go to an ice cream shop or a coffee shop, there is usually a little jar by the cash register labeled tips. I'm aware that a tip would be appreciated, but that it isn't necessarily expected.

Our mikvah has a per usage fee of nearly $20 (reduced for kollel wives and students) and they regularly solicit for memberships and additional donations as the costs of running a mikvah are not covered in their entirety by usage fees alone. Yet I have never seen a word about other expected or appreciated gestures.

In general, we are the types to pay whatever we are asked, even if it is voluntary or not strictly enforced (so long as it is reasonable). Kiddush fund? Seudah Shlishit Fund? Eruv Fund? No problem, add it to our bill. The expectation that we are to contribute to certain funds is no secret. And, Baruch Hashem we are able to contribute and happily do so.

But why is it the tipping etiquette for a mikvah is a secret? If I should be tipping for certain religious functions, I would desperately like to be made aware of such. And, I'd also like to know what is appropriate? In addition, I think it would be helpful to set up the means to allow tips to be left in the most appropriate fashion, assuming I should be leaving them. And considering different communities have different standards, I don't want to be in another community and snub the attendant unknowingly.

Considering the fact that certain woman are unable to pay the full fee for the mikvah and the attendants are paid, albeit probably not much, it would probably be insensitive to post a note at the mikvah itself delineating appropriate tips since it would put everyone on the spot. And, I'm not sure it would be appropriate for those unable to pay the full usage fee to give "extras." Those who can pay the fee, but could only give a tiny tip would probably feel very uncomfortable handing it directly to the attendant (or leaving it in a way that it was obvious from whom the giver was). And on the flip side, a mikvah attendant could be put into a very uncomfortable position if someone over-tipped, especially if the tip was intended to help an attendent of lesser means. Most people don't want to feel like a tzedakah case, especially when they are working.

In short, if I should be giving a tip, I would really like to know. There are plenty of ways to put the word out: include a note in the next solicitation. Collect tips before Rosh Hashanah, Pesach, or Chanukah for all attendants are let the financial committee distribute them accordingly. Or, perhaps, in addition to a drop box for fees , there should be locked boxes labeled with the names of attendants (who wouldn't mind being tipped). Tips could be left discreetly and anonymously by those using the mikvah, and tips could also be left for a particular person at a later time also.

When I found out that tipping is prevalent, although not universal, my husband and I had a back and forth about the issue. As it turns out, the religious tipping issue is not just limited women, so men are welcome to add their comments. My husband tells me that men tip the Rabbi for selling their Chametz. We can't really understand why we should be tipping for this service. Our shul pays the Rabbi a very respectable salary (in the six figures) and we believe this is such a basic function of the Rabbi. So when I asked my husband how much people are giving in tips, he tells me he has seen some people are tipping with hundreds(!). Well, if a tip is really expected, we'd probably be happy to stop by bank and a few bucks, or even a $5 or $10 bill. But, when others are tipping in the hundreds, I honestly have no idea what is appropriate (although tipping with a hundred in public seems highly inappropriate). But at this rate I honestly have no idea what my husband should be tipping, if anything. And there is apparently also an oral messorah that one should tip when buying your arba minim from the Rav. Goodness, here to tipping never occurred to me (I write the check and usually end up picking up the arba minim, always an experience since I'm usually the only woman present). Who tips for retail?

And then there is the infamous Chanukah Gelt issue. There are schools out there that basically expect parents to pay the Rebbes directly at Chanukah (and I'm told there are some families that give gelt in the thousands). I haven't had experience with this phenomena but would invite a guest post on the issue. My take on this custom: it just ain't happening here. If we can find $15K plus per school age kid for many, many, many years to come that itself will be a Chanukah miracle. I appreciate that others give to the Rebbes, but direct gifts from parent to Rebbe have got to put the lesser givers in a terrible position, real or imagined. (Any guest posters out there?)

Do you tip? And what for? Comments? Thoughts? I'm open to hearing all feedback, positive and negative. And if you are confused too, welcome to the club.