Better to be Supported by the Community and Welfare?

Continuing on with the Yated Readers Write regarding frum finances, check out the following. I'm not sure what to say to sum it up. Basically, this kollel wife does not want her husband to leave the confines of kollel, and is in a catch 22 because if her husband left and they lost their welfare, well. . . . . they will probably be worse off. Personally, I'm not all that sympathetic. I'm actually more sympathetic to the Rebbe's wife. At least he was willing to give earning a try. My comments are in orange.

TRYING TO MAKE END$ MEET

Dear Editor,

I was very pleased to see the financial crisis discussed in Avrohom Birnbaum’s article several weeks go and the subsequent letters to the editor on the same topic. It’s given me the push to write to you about this issue, which I’ve been wanting to do for a while.

I’d like to talk about our experience as a family in a part of the population no one has written about yet.

My husband has been learning for 12 years, not exclusively, but at least part-time. (Most of the years it was full time.) [Twelve years post marriage or post high school?]

Even when we first got married, we did not receive any regular support from either set of parents. It was simply impossible for them. Yet, we both felt strongly that the type of family we wanted to establish was based on my husband remaining in yeshiva as long as possible, and, after that, staying in the “yeshiva environment” when employment became necessary. This is not chas v’shalom to denigrate anyone who doesn’t do this; everyone has their own needs, talents and tafkid. However, for me, this was such a strong feeling that I could not bear to have it any other way (although this was not the derech that either of us grew up with in our own families).

I always pushed - no, encouraged - my husband to stay in yeshiva. He didn’t need to be pushed. He always wants to learn and feels awful on a day during bain hazemanim when he barely gets to learn because he is so busy with the kids, etc [I find this comment sad. Spending time with children, especially in today's environment, is so important. One would hope a father would welcome the opportunity to reconnect with the children. One wonders if the husband share the same feeling when he has to engage in another mitzvah that takes away from learning]. But sometimes he’d wonder if it was “time to go to work” because of parnassa. I’d tell him no, because:

a) I can’t bear to have him go into a non-yeshiva environment, [Sounds like chinuch is not even a consideration].
b) Even more than that, I know he could never manage in such an environment (he cannot bear to be exposed to the outside influences; plus, he is quiet,shy, and not a go-getter), and [My husband also. Fortunately there is work for those who like to sit at a desk in relative isolation].
C) I know that it wouldn’t help financially anyway. He’d never earn the$100,000 (now I read that it’s more like $200,000 - I’m shocked) needed to support a large family, k”ah. What would happen is that we’d lose Medicaid and Section 8 and be worse off than before, chas v’shalom. I’d rather be poor and in kollel, than just plain poor! [Perhaps there are two Torahs, and I missed out on learning the basics of the other one. Don't we learn that we should make our Shabbat like a weekday so as to not rely on the community? Don't we learn that there is dignity and work? And what about starting somewhere? So you can't envision yourself earning $100,000? So what. What if someone approached learning the same way, e.g., I will never make it through Shas, so I won't even get started?].

Boruch Hashem, we have wonderful shalom bayis, which is not affected by our finances. At the moment, we have six children, kein yirbu, ranging in age from 1 1/2 - 10. About half a year ago, my husband started doing some work in a yeshiva in the mornings, with his kollel no longer being able to pay him the relatively high salary which they had been providing. For a while, he was teaching Gemara to beginners for one seder and learning one seder, but that program ended. Our debts - especially our tuition bills – skyrocketed. [I wonder why the tuition bills skyrocketed when the husband's job ended. More children in school? Or was he receiving a significant tuition benefit for teaching one seder. Or is the writer just putting in a fact unconnected to her husband's job?]

At the moment, we weren’t doing any better than before. Boruch Hashem, we don’t have credit cards. Somehow, we knew never to start up with them. (Rabbi Birnbaum’s article really reinforced that!)

Over the summer, we had no income at all. I began work at a different school this fall, and my husband joined a different kollel in the afternoon and got a new position in a different yeshiva. B’chasdei Hashem, someone gave us a few thousand dollars that got us through the summer. Truthfully, Hashem always helps us, and we have never starved or had our electricity turned off. He always sends us some form of income to get through whatever situation arises and to provide us with what we really need. It’s like living with the monn in the midbar.

What I’d like to bring out most of all is the astronomical cost of living today and the impossibility of earning the required amounts (assuming you’re not a doctor, lawyer or high-powered businessman). [For once can we stop this assumption that doctors, lawyers, and businessman are rolling in dough. I, for one, know that the young ones, especially, are rolling in a lot of debt. And nobody thinks to give them a few thousand dollars, and they don't qualify for welfare, nor do they tend to receive much in the way of tuition breaks. I'm pulling my hair out. We are all in this boat TOGETHER: doctors, lawyers, businessmen, accountants, teachers, kolleleit, and what have you. And if you marry young and are blessed with children, especially that many children, you are going to be up to your eyeballs].

Of our six children, five are already in school. Tuition is a minimum of $3,000 each (in our community. In many other areas, that is considered a bargain!) [You bet that is a bargain. $15,000 won't even put one child into high school in some communities]. Boruch Hashem, we have help for the older girls’ tuition (3rd and 5th grade) but are left with $1,000 a month in tuition to pay. (I know that many people have to pay much more, but for me, this is my entire salary!)

That leaves the amount my husband earns from his morning yeshiva position and afternoon kollel to support 8 people. Combined, it equals a little more than 1/10 of the $200,000 figure suggested as being needed to comfortably support a family.

That is, of course, where Medicaid, food stamps, and Section 8 are so extremely helpful. We are very grateful for these programs. But they aren’t without their drawbacks. There is always a fear of chillul Hashem, and a certain amount of discomfort when you are among people who think it’s wrong to take these things. But what’s the choice? Food for our family (including diapers, etc.) is $1,200 a month [I'm sure this could be cut down a bit]. After food stamps are gone each month, we struggle to find hundreds of dollars to buy food and other necessities for the rest of the month. At present, we owe our grocery store about $3,000. Sometimes we can’t put anymore on the bill and we wonder how we will buy food. Many times, we write head-checks [I've never heard this term outside of frum circles. I believe the terminology is post-dated checks. Those who write post-dated checks should know they are responsible for the funds when they write the checks], but sometimes too many go through when we’re not expecting it, and the bank pays them but charges us $30 for each check.

We’ve lost a few hundred dollars at a shot like this, which is really depressing, because it’s money going straight into the garbage. Then, if we borrow $500 from a gemach to put into our account, it’s still basically at zero, leaving the door open for a repeat scenario. (Since we don’t have credit cards, we have no credit history and can’t get overdraft protection. But what should we do? Not buy diapers?) [Perhaps].

I have a theory that it used to be acceptable to be poor and it was kind of‘socially acceptable.’ Now it’s certainly not. For better or worse, there are societal norms, which you just have to conform to.

For example, you have to have electricity, gas and phone service (which obviously were considered luxuries 100 years ago). This costs us about $300 a month all together. The kids have to go to school, and need school supplies, uniforms and snacks. The school requests book fees, nit fees, and arts & crafts fees. My girls were supposed to bring in a total of $65 this week, between all of the them. [I think the nickle and diming parents is unacceptable. But, when you have a number of parents barely paying tuition, the schools don't have a whole lot to operate with and I think this is how some schools squeeze non-tuition dollars out of parents]. It isn’t acceptable anymore not to have money. It’s just expected that you have at least amounts like that, or $25 to tip each counselor in camp [Camp? I believe you stated that you were both out of work for the summer]. But what if you don’t? What if you have zero cash in the house, have run out of checks, and can’t afford to order more? (Never mind the chance that there won’t be money to cover the check when it goes through!) [I hear the pain, I really do. But, so many of our grandparents, great-grandparents came here with nothing and took meager wages and built small fortunes. It seems we have lost the will to take what we have and do what we must. One wonders what they would write if they were reading this today].

Kids used to go around with old clothes [Guess what, even in the frum world there are people doing around with old clothing. Chol V'Chomer in the rest of the US]. Now you’re setting kids up as social failures if they’re not dressed nicely. Of course, I do want my children to look good! [Used is not a bad word!] I’m just saying that expenses are overwhelming and there’s no getting away from them even if you don’t have the money. Boruch Hashem, our children’s school is amazing. We unfortunately owe them about $8,000, but they just sent us our admission cards without a word [Later the writer states her Bais Yaakov salary hasn't increased. I'm just commenting to connect the dots]. Yet, the approximately $20,000 of our total debt weighs on our minds a lot. Besides for the school and grocery, there are gemachs and private individuals whom we owe money to. It can be very embarrassing. [One would hope that there would be a plan in place to repay private loans].

The funny part is that you wouldn’t be able to tell by looking at our kids, who are always dressed presentably, or our rented house (renovated by the landlord before we moved in), or our 2001 Astro van (gotten almost for free). Boruch Hashem, everything looks good, yet, very often, we don’t know how we are going to pay the rent, car insurance, electricity, grocery bill, etc. Bechasei Hashem, something always works out, whether it’s a loan, a gift from an anonymous person, etc. [Sometimes I wonder if things have to look bad, possibly really bad, before schooling takes the number one spot on the communal list of priorities?]

But Yated readers should know that people like us are out there. The few thousand dollars people give us before Pesach makes all the difference in the world! We even get to pay back some chovos, which makes us feel very good. I know that sometimes people wonder if we truly need it. The answer is yes, very badly.

The suggestion of one letter-writer to create subsidized food and clothing stores, and tuition solutions, would be wonderful [One wonders how much a subsidized kosher food store could shave off monthly expenses? I'd guess that if the idea got off the ground, it might not prove as helpful as one might think. I once remember reading once that the profit margin the grocery business is very low (below 15%). I don't know how profitable the kosher markets are, although we do know they regularly make interest free loans to customers. Chances are, high prices are not indicitive of a high profit margin. Learning to make the most of a limited food (stamp) budget is crucial. As for clothing, I think we need to get over our fashion sense and make due]. Our expenses are going up and up (look at the prices of gasoline, milk and cheese!), yet our yeshiva, kollel and Bais Yaakov salaries are not [I, for one, find it amazing that one can be paid to learn from some of the top Torah teachers in the world. With the exception of doctorate students in the sciences, and select athletes whose room and board costs are covered, I don't know many people being paid to be in school. Of course, I better say l'havdil before a reader thinks I don't understand the difference between kodesh and chol. But, I get frustrated hearing about kollel salaries not increasing when kollelim have clearly won out over K-12 education] . Nor, I believe, are the salaries of people otherwise employed rising as much as the cost of living is [I don't know any salaries rising as fast as tuition]. Whatever almost any of us earns is just not enough to support a large frum family today, bli ayin hara.

P.S. Despite the financial difficulties that I mentioned, I am overjoyed with my husband and children boruch Hashem, and grateful for our lifestyle and community. I wouldn’t have chosen any differently, except maybe to have started out in Eretz Yisroel! I do dream of winning the lottery, giving most of it to Lev L’Achim, Efrat,etc., and moving to Eretz Yisroel.Gemar chasimah tovah [I just hope the writer doesn't actually play the lotto].