Parents Gone Crazy; Entitlement Gone Wild

The New York Jewish Week published a letter to the editor decrying unsupervised vacations of Jewish High schoolers which includes public drunkenness, sexual behavior and other breaches in tzniut, drugs, and more. Based on the comments from the authors of this article on different blogs it appears that the scene is not just one of teens acting stupidly, but one of teens engaging in highly destructive behavior that is probably beyond the wildest imaginations of most of us (it is certainly beyond my imagination).

Orthomom worries she won't be able to strike the right balance, Ezzie is scared too, Harry Maryles believes this is a failing of Modern Orthodox, and Jewboy asks the obvious: where are the parents?

While I normally agree with Rabbi Maryles, in this instance I take issue with his conclusions. In my opinion, this is not a matter of one Orthodoxy vs. another Orthodoxy. In fact, I'm not sure that this has much to do with Orthodoxy. While one manifestation might be most prominent amongst Orthodox Jews of the more modern stripe, another manifestation might be more prominent amongst Orthodox Jews of a darker stripe. We are not protected from self-destructive behavior because we have Jewish blood.

And quite frankly I don't care to sort out one stripe from another when there is an underlying disease that has a common thread So what is that disease? I'm sure I will get flamed, but I believe we are finally witnessing the lethal combination of under/uninvolved parenting, parental irresponsibility, and entitlement. And it isn't a pretty sight.

Too many of our children are demonstrating to us that they have voids in their lives that are so deep and so painful. They are experiences estrangement from those they should be connected to. They are lonely and empty inside and they are trying to fill their void with "love" or "potions." The increase in self-destructive behavior can be witnessed in nearly every sizable community. I've seen it. I'm sure you have too. I don't want to believe it is there. But it is.

In my opinion this report is a sign that all of us in the Orthodox Community (the so-called MO-Lite, MO, Yeshivish, Chareidi, Chassidish, Chabad, etc) need to get back to the drawing table as parents and as a community and make an honest assessment, a real cheshbon hanefesh. We need to start from the ground up and evaluate where and why we are failing. Even if we are still "better," there is no need to be smug when we are witness to such self-destructive behavior (especially mass self-destructive behavior, as the authors of the Jewish Week article were witness to). And when we are witness to this type of behavior, does it really matter if we are better?

Many of us loosing our connection to our children. Some of us never established strong connections to begin with because we erroneously believe that all we need to do as parents is meet the physical needs of our children. Too many of us believe that parenting (make that taking care of kids) is "menial" work that involves no more than feeding a kid and changing diapers for the younger, and carpooling and providing funds for the older. I've seen this attitude expressed by the very Modern and by the quite Yeshivish and by everyone else in between.

Many of us lack confidence in our jobs as parents. We are afraid of our own kids. We are afraid of setting limits, giving guidance, and being the authority figures that we are. In short, we can't say no and our kids need us to say no. Afraid of parenting ourselves, we figure that we will write a check and put the ball in someone else's court. Yet we cannot be replaced by hired help. And who is to say that those contracted to raise our children are any more confident in setting reasonable limits and being authority figures?

And if we are afraid of our own kids, we even more terrified by our neighbors. We don't want to do anything different. We don't want to educate our children differently, we don't want to dress differently, we don't want to marry our children off in a different fashion, we don't want to vacation differently.

Speaking of vacations, maybe we need to re-evaluate how we vacation (!). Vacation can and should be an opportunity to re-connect with our children. By getting away from it all, we can force ourselves to reconnect. But, judging by the advertisements in nearly every Jewish publication, a vacation appears to be an opportunity to surround ourselves with other people, not "get away from it all," and many of these vacation packages come complete with the opportunity to send our children away from us. While we enjoy whatever it is that the vacation offers, we can send our children to day camps to be taken care of by someone else.

And lastly, I have never heard of sending away high schoolers on vacation sans parents. My parents never allowed me to attend a function without first speaking to the supervising parents directly. Let's just say that I was never invited to any inappropriate parties because my parents where known to be a constant presence. Are we known to be a presence in our children's lives or do we feel the need to be "cool parents?" The fact that there are masses of children on winter break without parents present is just downright shocking. It is entitlement gone wild; pure lunacy.

Independent Frum Thinker, one of my new favorite bloggers, states "Any perceived criticism of any aspect of the Frum community that may appear on this blog, should not be viewed as such in any way whatsoever. It is simply a plea and call for our community’s self- improvement and self-betterment." This post is harsh, but please don't view it as a criticism as much as a plea for an honest cheshbon hanefesh. Your comments?

Apologies for such a miserable post during Adar.

Should Teenagers Contribute to Their Expenses?
My short answer: Absolutely

Rabbi Horowitz plans to address the hot, hot topic of Parents, Teenagers/Adult Children, and Money in next week's Parenting Coluum, among other issues presented by the questioner. I emailed Rabbi Horowitz for permission to post some of my thoughts in his comments section and he was kind enough to give me permission to do so. I'm really looking forward to his response this week and will be watching the comments section like a patient's pulse.

Below I am reproducing the question and my thoughts (I only addressed finances. I'm certainly not too qualified to address the other issues). I can only imagine that this topic is of great interest to many Ortho-parents, whether or not their children are "at risk" because of the great financial demands, many of them frivioulous, placed on Orthodox parents.

Below is the letter and my response (I only addressed finances). Your comments and thoughts? More to come on this topic because I have quite the story to tell. So stay tuned.

Letter:
Dear Rabbi Horowitz:
You mentioned that, “Your primary responsibility is to provide for the needs (and wants) of your children." [Note: See Shabbos Guests column for proper context]. Do you feel that this applies to grown children as well? When a child is over 20 and capable of earning a few hundred dollars a month, but it will take up much of his spare time, should the parents still be expected to fund the "wants"?

Our at-risk son is resentful because we aren't funding his wants. He is clothed, fed, and has all his medical needs taken care of. If he needs to see a doctor, my wife or I drop everything and run for him. He drops off his dry cleaning and gets it back all nice and paid for. But there are some things I just won't fund. (And I can't.) In the two years he was in Israel, we spent more than we can afford on his schooling, planes, health insurance, and monthly spending stipend of $120 – plus $50 towards his phone. (We are in debt about $10,000 right now.)

He feels resentful that we aren't paying for his wants and therefore he must spend leisure time to work to provide for his other leisure time. (He's said hurtful things such as why did you have me if weren't going to pay for me?) Therefore when he does come home for Shabbos, he will hardly lift a finger to help in the house.
I think that since we are broke, we should let him grow up and learn some restraint. Perhaps I should just tell him to drop the program he's in and work full time and do night school. But in the meantime, I also think he is wrong not to offer assistance when he is home.
Y'lamdeinu Rabbeinu...

My Thoughts:

I am sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing with your 20 year old son, and am even sadder to think about the challenges that he will face if the status quo continues, where all of his needs are taken care of and he is free to spend his money and his leisure time in pursuit of entertainment and consumer goods.

When we allow our children to live in a fantasy world regarding finances where all earnings are for spending as they please and a budget does not have to be adhered to, we do them a tremendous disservice, both materially and spiritually.

Eventually, our children will marry and start families of their own, and they will enter the “real world,” where money does not flow freely, where needs must be met before wants, and where whatever is leftover is often seriously limited. To allow them to spend their present earnings frivolously within a culture of consumerism, is sure to backfire in the future when they cannot support themselves at the level they have become accustomed to, often leaving them with a great deal of disappointment.

So long as a child is earning money of their own, but they are being supported by their parents, it is not only appropriate for the parents to exercise some type of control over their children’s earnings, but is in fact a kindness. When we teach our children to save for their future, delay gratification, and prioritize their needs and wants, we give them ownership in their life and provide them with the keys to become responsible for the future.

I am hesitant to present a formula for how the earnings that children which you are supporting should be divided up, for fear that the underlying principles will get lost in technicalities. Therefore, I would rather stop at this point and ask you to evaluate the status quo to determine if it is hindering your son’s growth.

If you agree with me that the status quo is hindering, I would suggest that you hammer out a plan to get your son’s spending habits on a different track through creating a budget that more clearly mirrors reality. His budget needs to be divided appropriately between living costs, spending money, savings, and tzedakah. He should be contributing to his college education or to another type of savings account for the future. He should be providing for most of his necessities (you probably will want to continue taking care of his health insurance until a later date when his budget is in order). And, I can almost guarantee you that after he is taking care of his present necessities and investing in his future that he will find the motivation he needs to work the extra hours for the spending money that he wants.

I’m sure if you institute a solid plan, you will see a more responsible young man emerge. May you have only nachas.

Oral Messorah? The etiquette of Tipping for Religious Services

I was at a mikvah meeting not too long ago where the subject of tipping the mikvah attendant came up. To make a long story short, I have never tipped the attendant (apparently the custom is 50/50), and I feel like I've been left out in the dark Now don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to tipping, it just had never occurred to me to ask about such and no one ever informed me about such.

I took a top notch kallah class and the subject of tipping was never discussed. I have lived in various communities with different types of arrangements regarding the mikvah (full time mikvah manager, several paid attendants, and numerous rotating volunteer attendants or "buddies") and I have never heard the subject discussed. And if there is an oral messorah out there, I wish I knew about it because I don't want to be insulting an attendant by not tipping. . . nor do I want to be insulting an attendant by tipping.

I like to know what is expected. When I go to a restaurant, there is a place on the receipt labeled tip. So, I'm aware that a tip is expected. When I go to an ice cream shop or a coffee shop, there is usually a little jar by the cash register labeled tips. I'm aware that a tip would be appreciated, but that it isn't necessarily expected.

Our mikvah has a per usage fee of nearly $20 (reduced for kollel wives and students) and they regularly solicit for memberships and additional donations as the costs of running a mikvah are not covered in their entirety by usage fees alone. Yet I have never seen a word about other expected or appreciated gestures.

In general, we are the types to pay whatever we are asked, even if it is voluntary or not strictly enforced (so long as it is reasonable). Kiddush fund? Seudah Shlishit Fund? Eruv Fund? No problem, add it to our bill. The expectation that we are to contribute to certain funds is no secret. And, Baruch Hashem we are able to contribute and happily do so.

But why is it the tipping etiquette for a mikvah is a secret? If I should be tipping for certain religious functions, I would desperately like to be made aware of such. And, I'd also like to know what is appropriate? In addition, I think it would be helpful to set up the means to allow tips to be left in the most appropriate fashion, assuming I should be leaving them. And considering different communities have different standards, I don't want to be in another community and snub the attendant unknowingly.

Considering the fact that certain woman are unable to pay the full fee for the mikvah and the attendants are paid, albeit probably not much, it would probably be insensitive to post a note at the mikvah itself delineating appropriate tips since it would put everyone on the spot. And, I'm not sure it would be appropriate for those unable to pay the full usage fee to give "extras." Those who can pay the fee, but could only give a tiny tip would probably feel very uncomfortable handing it directly to the attendant (or leaving it in a way that it was obvious from whom the giver was). And on the flip side, a mikvah attendant could be put into a very uncomfortable position if someone over-tipped, especially if the tip was intended to help an attendent of lesser means. Most people don't want to feel like a tzedakah case, especially when they are working.

In short, if I should be giving a tip, I would really like to know. There are plenty of ways to put the word out: include a note in the next solicitation. Collect tips before Rosh Hashanah, Pesach, or Chanukah for all attendants are let the financial committee distribute them accordingly. Or, perhaps, in addition to a drop box for fees , there should be locked boxes labeled with the names of attendants (who wouldn't mind being tipped). Tips could be left discreetly and anonymously by those using the mikvah, and tips could also be left for a particular person at a later time also.

When I found out that tipping is prevalent, although not universal, my husband and I had a back and forth about the issue. As it turns out, the religious tipping issue is not just limited women, so men are welcome to add their comments. My husband tells me that men tip the Rabbi for selling their Chametz. We can't really understand why we should be tipping for this service. Our shul pays the Rabbi a very respectable salary (in the six figures) and we believe this is such a basic function of the Rabbi. So when I asked my husband how much people are giving in tips, he tells me he has seen some people are tipping with hundreds(!). Well, if a tip is really expected, we'd probably be happy to stop by bank and a few bucks, or even a $5 or $10 bill. But, when others are tipping in the hundreds, I honestly have no idea what is appropriate (although tipping with a hundred in public seems highly inappropriate). But at this rate I honestly have no idea what my husband should be tipping, if anything. And there is apparently also an oral messorah that one should tip when buying your arba minim from the Rav. Goodness, here to tipping never occurred to me (I write the check and usually end up picking up the arba minim, always an experience since I'm usually the only woman present). Who tips for retail?

And then there is the infamous Chanukah Gelt issue. There are schools out there that basically expect parents to pay the Rebbes directly at Chanukah (and I'm told there are some families that give gelt in the thousands). I haven't had experience with this phenomena but would invite a guest post on the issue. My take on this custom: it just ain't happening here. If we can find $15K plus per school age kid for many, many, many years to come that itself will be a Chanukah miracle. I appreciate that others give to the Rebbes, but direct gifts from parent to Rebbe have got to put the lesser givers in a terrible position, real or imagined. (Any guest posters out there?)

Do you tip? And what for? Comments? Thoughts? I'm open to hearing all feedback, positive and negative. And if you are confused too, welcome to the club.

New Bloggers on the Block with Orthonomic Posts

Relatively new blogger "Independent Frum Thinker" has posted a number of insightful posts. The last post was about Priorities in Tzedakah, a topic I've blogged about numerous times. He makes the point that glitz sells when it comes to enticing donors to donate and I think we are all paying for our "base material instincts" and the Marriotts, Hiltons, and Four Seasons of the world come out the only clear winners (!).

In an ideal world, everyone would just donate to the causes that are most important, they would keep much of their money local building their own institutions, and nearly every dollar would go to benefit those causes. In our less than ideal world, banquets must be held and we are lucky if one of every two dollars benefit the cause. But lately it seems that the stakes have been raised and more and more materialism has been introduced to fundraising.

We are kicking ourselves in the foot with the high overhead involved in fundraising. And some of these fundraisers are NOT raising significant funds, but they are taking away from the limited pot of money that is out there. I even know of a banquet that lost money (!). The community may have raised a huge sum of money, but they spend every penny and more on overhead. And, once people have opened their wallets that money is gone forever. What a shame that not one penny went to benefit this school.

There is a fairly limited pot of tzedakah dollars in this world and when we spend so much of those dollars by paying caterers, hotels, musicians, and more, we are only hurting ourselves. Some people argue that "all of the goods [used to appeal to our materialistic instincts] are donated." I would respond that it would be better if we could just prioritize our dollars and be wise together about the finances of our community. We desperately need to reorient ourselves and our communities. And, I'm glad to see the j-blogs talking about the subject since I'm not hearing much about it other places.

There are so many needy causes and it is a shame that it takes a China Cabinet of silver to get us excited about those causes. While I consider myself more pragmatic than idealistic, I wish to be an idealist on this topic. Anything less is just kicking ourselves in the foot.

Another new blogger is "Jacob Da Jew" who just posted a piece on tuition entitled "Our Children's Education: A Robin Hood Affair." He talks about the difficulty for the middle class in tuition and predicts that things are going to get worse. I posted this comment on his blog:

My estimation is like yours: the middle class is really suffering. They make too much for tuition breaks, but not enough to really meet the expenses of tuition. I've posted some heartwrenching stories from guest posters and it is truly sad that people with respectable salaries are sinking into debt and are oftentimes paychecks away from insolvency.

I also have to sadly agree with your that it is going to get worse. There are so many young people in tremendous amounts of debt from college and grad school. Jewish parents are generous and in most of the cases I believe the parents were out of funds to keep helping their children along. Yet these young couples are stuck with payments on loans that are nearly the size of a small mortgage in an inexpensive community (5 years ago, that is). On top of this, they need to secure housing and be ready to pay tuition and each tuition is the size of another small mortgage payment.

Many times the schools tell you to ask your parents for help. I can't speak for others, but my in-laws just finished paying off the 2nd mortgage that they put on their home to pay for high school tuitions for their children. Now they have three times as many grandchildren as they had children (baruch Hashem) and have their own escalating expenses of old(er) age. In short, I think that this route has been exhausted and if the older generation is expected to pick up the difference for the younger generation, the scale will eventually tilt back and the younger generation will *need* to take care of their parents. So, all in all, this "minhag hamakom" of some communities is limited too."

I Needed that Nachat(s)

I think every mother out there (and some fathers too) should be able to relate to the type of week we have had. There was a lot of important things that had to be done and there were deadlines looming overhead. I had a number of phone calls to make and needed cooperation. Whatever I cleaned got messed up again. The baby refused to be put down, went through an entire closet full of clothing, and wouldn't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time. I developed a huge headache and it seemed like nobody was listening and absorbing the conversations that I was trying to have.

Then, because a certain neighbor of the Bubbe variety saw me tearing my hair out during the two brief times that she saw me , she felt the need to give me unsolicited advice that made me doubt my parenting (if only for a second).

So, just when I was feeling a bit low about the week, my 2 year old trounces into my room while dinner was on the stove and says very loudly, "Ki Le'olam hasdo. Mommy, what does THAT mean?"

Fortunately I had the answer and this inquiry made a difficult week end on a high note. Shabbat Shalom. Ki Le'olam hasdo indeed. I'm sure Shabbat and the coming week will be just fantastic.

Bank Leumi Names Names

A reader sent me a link to this story with the comment "Bank Leumi buckles under pressure and begins naming names of confidential overseas customers that are evading US and European taxes. This is going to have a HUGE and immediate impact on the American frum community, although few dare admit it yet. The US has already established a specific multi-agency task force to deal with "hot spots" in specific frum communities and shuls in the US."

The story is a fascinating read from a professional standpoint. I have worked in internal controls and am a bit shocked that a single employee could have access to a certain subset of accounts for 30 years. I believe that normal industry practice when highly liquid assets are at stake is to rotate employees to different positions. But, then again, there is plenty of fraud in this world and standard operating procedure is often defensive, rather than offensive. I was also unaware that Israel had secret bank accounts, as I associate such with Switzerland only.

The story is also fascinating from an Orthonomic standpoint. My reader has given his take. Anyone else have a take? As I am unaware of the basics of Israeli banking, I'm waiting to hear more.

Previous Tax Subject Posts

I plan to write some new tax posts this year, just as I did last year. Looks like I am soon to reach a blogging anniversary. In the meantime, here are previous posts that might be of interest:

5 Tax Surprises and 5 Tax Don'ts
Get Organized for the 2006 Tax Season
Employed or Self-Employed
Tax Deductibility of Certain Types of Donations

More to come. Shavua Tov.

Saddened by the Waste

This story, complete with pictures, saddens me. I don't want to get into a discussion about tzniut, or the lack thereof, nor do I want to get into a discussion about boycotts and heksherim on clothing stores. There are plenty of other blogs out there that have discussed these subjects and I really don't have anything to add.

What I do want to discuss is how a community (or sub-section of a community, since obviously not everyone is putting their clothing up in flames) in which so many people suffer from poverty and so many others are sent to beg for funds to cover the massive debts they have incurred, can engage in such wasteful behavior: public burning of "immodest' clothing.

Like I said, I am not interested in discussing tzniut right now. Ideally one would hope that if someone had clothing that they did not want to wear anymore because they are making a choice to uphold a higher level of tzniut, that they would either try to make their clothing tzniut if it was cost effective or they would donate their clothing to those who are taking on a more basic level of tzniut and have to replace nearly an entire closet full of clothing. Are there no people out there in dire need of clothing? But in a world of black and white and little gray, I can understand that someone who really believes that certain items of clothing just are not tzniut, isn't going to want anyone else to wear them either.

But, there are just so many ways to re-use common household items like clothing, that collecting them for a public burning just makes me very sad. My mother grew up in a very poor family, and the habits she learned were never discarded. While I haven't maintained all of her habits (and don't intend to maintain some of them), the general concept of thrift is a valuable one (in fact it is on of Rav Salanter's 13 Middos).

Buttons can be taken off clothing and used to replace missing buttons on children's clothing (I've got a whole stack of kid's clothes looking for replacement buttons). Buttons can be used for educational activities like teaching children how to sew, or for math exercises, or for sorting activities (size and color), or for art projects. Clothing can be cut up and re-created into other items (potholders, table mats, trivets, rags, things for pretend play, pillow cases, etc). Or it can be used to teach highly useful skills like hemming, patching, or quilt making.

The modest uses for 'immodest' clothing are as big as one's imagination and I cannot even begin to phathom how those immersed in a community with real material poverty can be convinced to put their clothing up in flames. While I have never spent significant time in these communities (and therefore shy away from topics concerning them), I do know that these are communities of tremendous chessed with literally a gemach for everything. It seems to me that nearly every item which is not being used regularly by one family is listed so it might be used by another. This makes the zealotry to uphold one mitzvah, while flirting with the violation of another mitzvah, even sadder.