Perfume Shops Vs. Garbage Dumps

I was joking with my husband about just how long it would take for someone to pen a letter to some frum publication about the horrible behavior witnessed on a Chol Hamoed trip, and it didn't take long for the subject to rear its ugly head. YWN has a letter regarding bad behavior witnessed at Great Adventures. It is all the regular stuff: trash strewn all over the place, pushing and cutting, general rudeness, disregard for safety rules, leaving a 2 year old to watch a baby. . . .you know, the regular fare. Likely those who can't function within society in a manner that doesn't draw negative attention and reaction are in the minority, but they are a very loud, seemingly large, and annoying minority.

And this is exactly why we pass on large organized chol ha'moed trips! That, and the fact that I prefer to spend family time with my own family, not with my neighbor's brother's nephew's Rebbe's mechutanim's grandchildren.

There is a commentary on on sentence in Dayeinu which I have seen in numerous places and which probably came home in a Haggadah produced in school about the value of simply being in an environment of taharah (i.e. the perfume shop) rather than being seeped in an environment of tumah (i.e. the Garbage Dump). At the sedarim, each elementary school child repeated this commentary and the pshat that I believe your average Yeshiva/Bais Yaacov student walks away with is the importance of insularity within the klal and the importance of avoiding the contamination of the outside world. Organized Chol Hamoed trips to the amusement park are attractive if you are concerned about short shorts, bikini tops, and teenagers that can't keep their hands off each other. But I have plenty of concern about the environment within our own klal which keep me passing on such trips, to say nothing of more regular activities.

I wonder if the kids who are learning such commentaries will ever consider the commentary beyond the message of inside=good, outside=bad. But within the inside, there are plenty of messages, subtle and not so subtle, that our kids are picking up and that I believe has resulted in a lot of the mess we see too often see today. I don't spend a lot of time at this point in my life worrying about the outside world. Simply put, my children's access is rather limited, and just like my parents who have turned off a movie right in the middle when an unexpected scene popped up, I'm more than happy to "pull the plug" too. But what about the messages that they are getting that we might not even know about? For example, I read a book in a family member's home that I believe is marketed to the pre-teen girls which was, quite frankly, appalling and age-inappropriate. (In the unnamed book's defense, my husband believes it is perhaps targeted to an older group, which doesn't exactly instill confidence in the reading level of whatever group is targeted, nor would I care for my teenager reading the book either). Nonetheless, just because something is published by a known frum company, doesn't put it in the "Perfume Category" by default.

Back to just downright pushy and rude behavior (I've been on the receiving end of plenty too), many would like to blame the outside world, but I think these issues are mostly internal issues and those of us who are concerned about the underlying issues that lead to "chillul Hashem" should start by taking a look at the Perfume (and the Garbage) in the shop. When we got married, we didn't know too much about the local schools, but there was an assumption that we would probably take one path over another. But along the journey to enrollment, I've seen a lot and had numerous interactions that led to a different path. While there will always be issues with students no matter what the environment, my main concern is how issues are dealt with. E.g., at some point, a student will damage or deface property, but how will staff react? Will staff and administration ensure that those responsible for the damage be responsible for rectifying the situation, or will they take a "boys will be boys" (and there is nothing we can do about it) position? Does the administration treat each subject and each staff member with the authority they need to manage a classroom, or are certain teachers treated with lesser importance? Are students expected to keep the school clean and neat, or there an assumption that this is what the janitor is for? If a student is caught, red handed no less, committing a crime of some degree, does the administration coddle, or make sure restitution is made?

A lot of the behavior that the letter writer notes is behavior I see right in the halls of local schools, in shuls, and in homes. It doesn't surprise me that park workers' instructions are ignored, such behavior is ingrained in too many students as basically have permission to ignore certain teachers, subjects, homework, start times, and deadlines. It doesn't surprise me that trash is left everywhere, too many schools and homes for that matter are treated like a trash dump. I was once at an event in a public school where the kids literally threw their trash on the floor. When the kids were asked to help clean up, some of the mothers took their daughters by the hand and left! Lots of parents talk about just how difficult it is to have guests with younger children for Shabbat because their parents are unwilling to discipline and it always results in a big mess, broken toys, and sometimes even broken bigger ticket items.

The letter writes notes " a park show was cut short because the people in the audience were speaking very loudly, and walking around incessantly." Spend 5-10 minutes within some of our schools, camps, or extracurriculars and I guarantee you that you will find students who feel free to just up and leave. Walking around incessantly, that too is being ingrained in their muscles! I can't find the link, but there is a blogger who had children in public schools and then enrolled them in a day school and found the just up and leaving in the middle of class to be a most shocking difference. I couldn't agree with her more just how shocking this is, and nearly everyone I know who attended a regular public school also finds this to be an issue. But, when I've had the chance to speak with administrators and teachers about the up and leaving issues, as well as open truancy, it is as if I live on a different planet.

And maybe I do! On my planet, I take standing in line and waiting your turn patiently, treating people and property (!) with respect, and sitting on your rear in class for respectable stretch of time to be absolutely imperative. I know I'm out of step.

And on a final note, perhaps what Great Adventures need is my parents to monitor! I remember a trip to a well known park when I was right around middle school age in which a few unsupervised teenagers cut in our line. My parents told them in no uncertain terms that they were to step to the back of the line immediately, and (today this might be surprising), but they did so pretty quickly. Today, kids as young as 3 know how to say "you can't make me." I said a lot of snarky things growing up, but that wasn't one of them, nor was "you can't tell me what to do, your not my Mommy" because, uh, whatever another adult or teacher could dole out would be nothing in comparison to what might happen at home, so it was best to avoid finding out. Naturally, I was as embarrassed as could by some of the more memorable moments with my parents (how uncool they were), but as an adult I really respect parents, adults, and teachers who know that they are in charge. I wish I could be stronger, but today, asking a kid who knocked right into you (7 months pregnant, mind you) right in front of his mother because he was running around wild right under her nose, just garners you a nasty look from the mother that says, "how dare you?" So there is a real uphill battle. My father used to tell me that when he was a kid, other parents felt free to take a hand to the rear of their son's friend and then walk him back to his home where his father could take care of the rest (this really happened to my father on an occasion or two, but likely not three). Today, we parents (and teachers) live in fear of even saying anything, much less doing what I am told is completely improper (disciplining your own kid in a public place). Until that changes, look forward to a repeat letter come Sukkot.