[Previous post is active,. After a blogging lull, I think I'm on a blogging spree].
Excerpt #1: But is hard to appreciate the good things in life when you are sitting and staring at a bank account that is emptying out faster than it fills up. It is hard to smile when you have to tell your 12-year-old kid that he can’t go to the dentist this month even though his tooth is hurting because you don’t have the money for it. It is hard to be happy when your wife is frustrated that you are just not making ends meet no matter how hard you are working and how hard you are trying.Excerpt #2: Giving up the dentist was the hardest of all for us, we also earn income higher than this poster, but when we had no income, the school tuition committee thought we were hiding something and refused us. That was 15 years ago and we still don’t have necessary dental care—the adults in our family have allowed our teeth to rot and become diseased, and have suffered bouts of excruciating pain without seeing a dentist because we couldn’t afford it. The children who needed braces did not get them, nor did they get normal dental care. Along the way we mentioned this to a Rav whose response was What about all the Rabbi’s teaching in Yeshiva who can’t get dental care? So we just keep quiet and suffer. But at least now we pay full tuition.
This week on imamother in a post on does anyone really save (yes!), 2011, someone writes:
I would love to save, but how? My husband and I both work. We make too much to get any benefits. The yeshivos and schools all see our income and will not give any tuition reductions. We live in a too small apartment because we cannot afford to pay more in rent. It is now nearly the end of the month and our account is overdrawn by nearly $100 and we still owe money to the grocery. I was so embarrassed to turn away a meshulach last week--I couldn't even find a quarter to give him! We don't have dental insurance (too expensive), so my kids have not been to the dentist, although they need to and do have cavities.
I agree savings are necessary, but there are those of us who really and truly live paycheck to paycheck without any extras. I don't have even an extra 2 cents.
I understand forgoing vacations, trips, cars, a more comfortable home to provide children with education. I can understand forgoing saving to pay for Yeshiva tuition, even though I think it is a decision that is soon to catch up with far too many people. But I can't understand forgoing the treatment of cavities. I don't like to throw around words like abuse or neglect, but the practice of forgoing basic dental health is dangerous and at the very least neglectful.
I was surprised the follow up comment was:
"If you've gone through your budget, eliminated the things that you can, and still can't save, well, then you can't save right now. Most of us have gone through periods like that. "
Maybe I'm the bad/unreasonable person here, but for us basic health comes before tuition. What else isn't getting treated? Just a month out of school (perhaps Tishrei, followed by begging your way back in come Cheshvan) would solve the immediate need for dentistry. At some point tuition is EXTRA and I think that when your kid's teeth are rotting, that point has been reached.
Do I have any dentists readers out there? Can one of you possibly volunteer a post? Information I'd like to learn most about is if middle-income families can qualify for low cost dental care or take advantage of dental clinics in dental schools.
53 comments:
I know the University of Maryland School of Dentistry has a reduced rate dental clinic. I'm sure there are other schools that have this as well. Perhaps the readers that need this service should check into it.
There are low cost dental options. The family is in a very tough situation. I do feel for them.
Dental problems over time can lead to major infection affecting the brain and even lead to death (as horrible case happened in maryland (http://mouthdoctor.net/braininfection.cfm)). Non cosmetic dental problems should come before tuition as serious dental problems are a sacanat nefesh.
Sorry, I don't feel bad for anyone who prioritizes tuition over dental care. The addiction to private yeshiva over medical care seems to be itself a mental illness brought about by communal expectations.
Don't people even think for themselves? These people deserve what they get, and I don't make statements like that lightly.
Here's a link to NYU's dental clinic. There are low-cost options and no good reasons for any family to forego dental care!
http://www.nyu.edu/dental/patientinfo/index.html
This is horrifying to me that people would ignore dental care.
I just heard 2 stories about how a pain in the tooth can turn into something completely excruciating in short order and you should never ignore it. It's BASIC healthcare. In fact, I'd sooner skip a yearly checkup than a yearly visit to the dentist because things can go awry so fast.
Hashem gives you ONE SET ONLY of adult teeth. If you don't care for them, you have to BUY MORE.
And surely denying your kid dental care when they have pain in the tooth is considered abuse? Just like denying medicine would be?
I have a hard time believing there is a school or tuition committee around that would not accept dental care as an expense that supercedes tuition. I mean, it's not like you can't prove the expense! You have a bill, don't you??
Moreover, as Anonymous stated above, I bet most major metropolitan areas have dental schools where basic things can be done for a very small fee.
There has to be something else going on with families that claim they can't pay for healthcare because of tuition.
Hi Orthonomics:
Do you have an email address where readers can contact you?
I'm just appalled. This is raising communal expectations above basic care for one's children. There's no requirement to send one's kids to expensive private school. If things are really this bad and the school won't offer a scholarship, then pull the kids out for one year and home school or find a cheaper school or a public school or whatever.
There's this attitude that dental care is somehow not as important as medical care. Obviously a heart attack and a tooth ache aren't in the same category, but basic dental care is important and just as one wouldn't ignore a stomach pain, one shouldn't ignore tooth pains. Also, people really are judged by their teeth in this country. It's a permanent disadvantage to have crooked or diseased teeth. People will and do look and treat you differently.
Also, I'm not willing to say that one should forgo savings to pay yeshiva tuition. It's simply irresponsible to do so. Let's imagine you're frugal and you have 3 kids living in an apartment, both parents work, and they're living paycheck to paycheck. If someonw should get sick or lose a job, that family can be out on the streets! That's no laughing matter, especially with young kids.
It's not living paycheck to paycheck when a substantial part of that paycheck goes to a private school. When people say they can't save and are living hand to mouth they aren't doing so because of some luxury.
Tessya: I don't feel badly for these parents either, but I sure as heck do feel terribly for their chidren.
I think many people HAVE been scared into thinking that they are sacrificing their child's neshama if they put the child in public school, akin to spiritual death. The fact remains that even if this is true (I don't believe it is), spiritual death is not the same as physical death. Don't we violate Shabbos to help someone who is dying so that they can perform more mitzvos in the future?
Taking away a child's dental care can shorten his or her lifespan, no question about it.
I blame xenophobic religious leaders for fueling the "private school at all cost" mentality.
orthonomics at gmail dot com
This is horrifying, and is likely to cost these families MORE in the long run. By not treating cavities they lead the way to root canals and tooth extractions down the line.
It's yet another manifestation of the tuition crisis that Rabbi's seem be telling people to pay up tuition before getting proper dental care. The "what about this or that rabbi, his salary is so small" excuse has been used for a long time to guilt parents into simply paying more instead of taking a look into the schools accounting. If the school is not supporting teachers with dental care then the school needs to address this, by looking over its policies and making a decision, not use it as a weapon to push more onto the shoulders of parents.
If a family's tuition bill is so high that it leaves no cushion for emergencies like dental care in their budget either the tuition committee is seriously in the wrong or the parents really need to re-look at their budget.
We need a dental gemach, it can be structured using a pool of heimishe dentists that charge the people who can afford more a higher price and then use that surplus money to provide dental care to those who cannot easily afford it. Of course, they would also solicit and accept donations to the dental gemach fund. Sort of like tuition assistance works.
At least some people in BC are trying to stop complaining and do something about it.
http://200kchump.blogspot.com/
Orthonomics...think about making this a post on your blog.
Say what you will about Israel, but we never have to decide between tuition and dental care. Both are free.
Mark-
I would be nervous to go to a Heimish dentist.
They likely have a lot of kids to feed and pay tuiton themselves and are more likely to do what everyone knowns dentists are infamous of doing, i.e. scam people into filling cavities that don't ask.
I urge everyone to get a second opinion when you are told you have a cavity. Very often, like car problems, this is the dentists parnasa to create problems, not fix them.
Rabbi's seem be telling people to pay up tuition before getting proper dental care.
I simply cannot believe there is a Rabbi (or at least they are in the extreme minority) who would tell a family to forego healthcare in favor of tuition.
There is IMHO something going else going on in these families. They forego asking a shailah in favor of stoking their image of themselves as martyrs for their children. Or some weird psychological thing like that.
If you have no money for food and are desparate, perhaps you seek out tzedakah for money to buy food.
Or ask your Rav for help in some way. It strikes me as highly implausible that a responsible, desparate, parent would not do something similar if faced with a child with a toothache.
I'll join the chorus. Public school + Torah at night + dental care comes before yeshiva w/o dental care. This is a social issue, not a halachic one. If the community is appalled, let the community come up with money for the dentist.
"Sorry, I don't feel bad for anyone who prioritizes tuition over dental care. The addiction to private yeshiva over medical care seems to be itself a mental illness brought about by communal expectations."
In America, parents have tremendous freedom in to raise their children in their religious traditions as they see fit.
It is truly tragic that part of the cost of that freedom is that some children are born to strange religious fanatics that would deny their children basic medical care.
The fact that people consider those strange religious fanatics "Frum Yidden" instead of what they are, "abusive negligent parents" shows how dangerous it is to worship idols, and neglecting your children's long term health to impress your neighbors is absolutely idol worship.
Skipping the dentist is the WRONG WAY to “save” money. The savings are an illusion, because in the long run, it costs more to skip the dentist, not less. I once knew a man who skipped the dentist for 11 years. Faced with impossible pain, he needed root canal, along with the excruciating pain that goes with it.
Skipping the dentist violates RAK HISHAMER LECHA, one of the taryag mitzvot, which commands us to guard our health and safety.
Dentists with basement offices and regular receptionists cost much less than dentists with fancy offices and beautiful receptionists.
Dentists with poor patients charge less than dentists with rich patients.
Experience has shown me that dentists who charge higher prices DO NOT provide better dental care! Sometimes the dentist who charges less money also gives better service.
I urge ALL intelligent people to STOP doing things that destroy teeth: drinking soda, drinking lemonade and smoking cigarettes.
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Raisins and other sticky snacks are much worse for the teeth than ice cream and even sugary drinks, which don't adhere to crevices in and between teeth.
Giving a baby a bottle of juice or formula in the crib is a major cause of tooth decay.
this post (or rather the embedded quotes) is bulloney
i'm pretty cynical when it comes to day school finances, scholarship decisions, etc.
and right now i'm riding a high wave cynism, as over lunch last shabbat i discovered that apparently the "full tuition" i paid in my son's old school was higher than the "full tuition" others paid.
that having been said, i refuse to believe that yeshivos would not help out a family that needs a break to provide for basic health care (or perhaps hook them up with a school parent who can provide it pro bono).
it's hard for me to be dan le-chaf zchus for day schools, but i absolutely refuse to believe this.
>I would be nervous to go to a Heimish dentist.
They likely have a lot of kids to feed and pay tuiton themselves and are more likely to do what everyone knowns dentists are infamous of doing, i.e. scam people into filling cavities that don't ask.<
A 'heimish' dentist in NJ, with a state-of-the-art office tried to convince me that I needed 20,000 dollars of work on my teeth. I do have to admit though that his pain-management techniques were second to none.
To those who so cavalierly speak about public school as an option: In our area, as in many others, the public schools are known to be extremely dangerous and promiscuous. So how can any parent of good conscience send their kids there?
We once went to the Univ. Medical school of NJ for some work. The students didn't seem to know what they were doing, refused to do any 'advanced' work, and then sent us a bill that was quite high. All in all, we did not find that option to be any kind of bargain.
Something has to give with the tuition crisis. I am so turned off and so embittered, that I have to hold myself back from telling newly-minted BTs and Gerim to escape before it's too late.
Why does Mr. Cohen get to leave his ads all over the Jewish blogosphere?
To those who so cavalierly speak about public school as an option: In our area, as in many others, the public schools are known to be extremely dangerous and promiscuous
Areas that are heavily Orthodox often have a poorer population in the public schools. Modern Orthodox areas in which the Orthodox population is lower may have fine public schools. Both Scarsdale and Livingston have multiple Orthodox shuls, and they have some of the finest schools in the NYC area.
If you aren't paying tuition, you might be able to afford a smallish house in either of those towns.
It's the insistence on living in areas that are at least 50% Orthodox that leads frum people to live in towns with terrible school districts. Why would anyone do that? Not only do you have to worry about property values if the Orthodox community moves on, but who knows if you will ever need the public school district, for a child with special needs, or for other reasons?
People, if you can't afford tuition there are two choices - public school or homeschool. We're onto our 7th year of homeschooling 4 kids. It can be done and your children will be well-off for it.
ANON:
" I am so turned off and so embittered, that I have to hold myself back from telling newly-minted BTs and Gerim to escape before it's too late."
are you serious? that's ridiculous. last i checked there was no requirement for gerim (or bts) to purchase a house they really don't need in a neighborhood they really can't afford in proximity of schools they definately can't afford.
Abba - last i checked there was no requirement for gerim (or bts) to purchase a house they really don't need in a neighborhood they really can't afford in proximity of schools they definately can't afford.
Yes there is such a requirement. At least for Gerim. Many batei din will not finalize gerut until the person moves to an orthodox area, and if they have children, agree to register their kids in yeshiva day school.
MARK:
" Many batei din will not finalize gerut until the person moves to an orthodox area"
i'm willing to bet that no beis din requires a ger to buy a house in teaneck and send kids to noam.
MARK:
you think a beis din would object to a ger planning to live in, for example, staten island?
As a woman who now has 10 post/crowns, I would have much rather had gone to the dentist than received my sub par "education" at the hands of underpaid 19-20 year old sem girls who leave mid year to get married off.
Abba - i'm willing to bet that no beis din requires a ger to buy a house in teaneck and send kids to noam.
Of course not!!!! They would prefer the Ger move to a frummer area :-)
Abba - you think a beis din would object to a ger planning to live in, for example, staten island?
Staten Island would be acceptable, but Flatbush, Crown Heights, Lakewood, or Monsey would be better.
I am not trying to be cavalier - not being able to afford basic medical expenses and a yeshiva education is heartbreaking. But faced with that situation, basic medical care takes precedence. This isn't esoteric or subject to debate among poskim as far as I'm aware, it's normative practical halacha.
SAMMY:
"To those who so cavalierly speak about public school as an option: In our area, as in many others, the public schools are known to be extremely dangerous and promiscuous."
promiscuous? you mean in third grade? second grade? kindergarten? are you serious?
dangerous? there are gangbangers in third grade? second grade? first grade? kindergarten? are you serious?
"So how can any parent of good conscience send their kids there?"
how can any parents of good conscience send their kids to a school that does not have a strict no-bully policy, that doesn't fingerprint employees, that doesn't have an unambigious mandatory reporting policy?
one final note: if your objection to public school is the safety issue, then move to a town with a better district. one of the reasons that people are generally willing to pay high taxes is to live in a district with good schools. frum jews on the other hand pay high taxes to live in areas that have crappy schools.
"...it's normative practical halacha."
I think halacha left the discussion a long time ago when it comes to yeshivas. Yeshivas are allowed to not pay employees on time. Parents are allowed to consider tuition as part of maaser.
Then there's all the stuff that's not sanctioned, but is certainly against halacha and people just turn a blind eye. Parents falsify financial documents to get scholarships. Parents spend down savings on home purchases/improvements so they can qualify for scholarships. Schools subvert parental will and encourage kids to not listen to parents.
Yeshiva is all about communal norms, not halacha. If this is a real letter, then clearly the community doesn't think highly of those who choose dental care over tuition. That's all that matters.
"I think halacha left the discussion a long time ago when it comes to yeshivas. Yeshivas are allowed to not pay employees on time. Parents are allowed to consider tuition as part of maaser."
Please study these halachos before commenting. If an employer has no cash - according to halacha - he is not required to sell assets ie. School bulding furniture etc to pay the teachers. The proper financing of Yeshivas is another topic but please don't falsify Halacha. Just ask your LOR.
Regarding Maaser - believe or not, there is no halachic obligation to tithe. It is a good custom ...but it is not like blowing Shofar on Rosh hashana or buying an Esrog for Succos, thouigh there is a mitzva to give tzedakah
"Then there's all the stuff that's not sanctioned, but is certainly against halacha and people just turn a blind eye. Parents falsify financial documents to get scholarships."
You are correct. Falsifying is wrong - but there is nothing wrong bargaining on the tuition rates - if you can't afford dental care - there is no mitzva to pay full tuition.
"Parents spend down savings on home purchases/improvements so they can qualify for scholarships."
Don't think the Yeshiva's know this? They are local org and they have it worked into the tuition negotiations - all ok to Halacha
" Schools subvert parental will and encourage kids to not listen to parents."
Untrue. Yeshivos teach orthodox Halacha with no apologies.If the parent body leads their lives based on leniencies of the modern non jewish world - that should be taught too, but if the majority of Poskim are not consistant with the Parent body, is not reason to have the Yeshiva's student body ignorant of the opinions of the Majority of Poskim! And if the student want to practice a more orthodox judaism -so be it! - if the yeshiva is not to your liking, send your child elsewhere - but don't balme the Yeshiva for teaching your chid Torah!
Thanks for reading my thoughts
This is so sad.
The Jewish community has an obligation to pay for schooling - and they do help the very poor in a great way. The rich can pay. But the people in the middle are struggling. Yet...the same people who complain about tuition sometimes have pool membership (they NEED to exercise, right? when we know exercise is free...), send their kids to art class (well, crafts at home is just not as fun...) and eat pizza from the store (kids can't grow up deprived). But then you have people who are REALLY not making it, and can't afford the dentist!!!
Some ideas about clinics are good, another idea is to call a local frum dentist and say, "I have kids with dental problems and no money. I have paid all my yeshiva tuition and will be happy to open my books and show you that I am truly poor. Would you, as a chesed, see my child? I can pay $20 for the visit." I am sure there are some local dentists who will do this as chesed! I would do that before letting my kids' teeth rot. Another point: if you are really poor, you MUST be very careful about brushing, flossing, and drinking WATER. I threaten my kids all the time: Your teeth will rot! the drill will hurt! Go brush and floss or they will turn black!" B"H for good genes too, but with this tactic, I have so far raised cavity-free kids: ages 10, 8.5, 6.
I have to start saving up for braces!!!
Anonymous-While I think the parent should absolutely beg rather than endanger their child's health, I'm told that frum dentists have a tremendous amount of outstanding receivables already. Too many doctors are burning the candle at both ends as it is and will never say no. But they can't do it all and should be paid.
If you know of a child in the northern NJ area whose parents are choosing between dental care for the child and tuition, please email me at abbasrantings@gmail.com for a referral to a pediatric dentist who can work it out reasonably with the parents.
On the subject of public school (since someone brought it up) and the fact that many frum communities are not in good public school systems....
I know nothing of NJ's public school options, only Baltimore's.
Baltimore has a very bad reputation regarding the public schools. However, as I am looking at the necessity of sending at least one of my kids to public school I have looked into it obsessively.
I have concluded that all the eye-rolling, tongue clucking, head-shaking, and shocked intaking of breath I get when I mention "public school" is undeserved.
Baltimore has a plethora of middle and high school public school options. There are charter schools and transformation schools in addition to the regular local schools. There are several same sex schools with another all-boys school opening next year because the waiting list for the 2 existing schools is so long.
Due to the "school choice" policy of Baltimore, any middle or high school in the city that has room for your kid will take him/her.
So if you live in Baltimore and would never consider sending your kid due to academic or safety concerns, I say look again!
(and contact me through SL because I'd love to know if anyone else is doing this who does not have access to Roland Park Middle School).
Anonymous 1:06 AM,
I may not be as versed in halacha as you seem to be, but I believe we have a concept of acting "lifnim mishurat hadin" - basically acting above and beyond the strict letter of the law. So, maybe you're right that if an employer runs out of money there's no obligation to sell property, so they can just keep their employees waiting. But, you know what? They shouldn't have employed those people in the first place knowing they couldn't have paid on time (or ever). I imagine some halacha is violated in either letter or spirit when you have $10 in your pocket and tell someone you're going to pay them $20 with no realistic way of coming up with the extra $10 short of a miracle. The yeshivas engage in lousy financial planning and budgeting and then throw their hands in the air as if no one could have possible saw this coming. Yeshivas are allowed to stay in business month after month paying late over and over again with employees going months without a salary and the rabbinic leadership turns a blind eye. That is certainly not in the spirit of the law even if it is being technically kept.
As for maaser "just" being a custom, what a silly argument. Probably half or more of what we do is Jews is dictated by custom. Our liturgy is a custom, our style of dress is a custom, wearing a sheitel instead of another covering is a custom, giving various gifts at an engagement or wedding is a custom. I don't see anyone tossing those away for the sake of yeshiva. But, hey, charity is just a custom - why should we forgo other customs for it or for yeshiva tuition? Surely a yeshiva is more worthy than the poor of one's city.
Bargaining a lower tuition isn't even in the same universe as falsifying financial documents or giving money to some contractor instead of the yeshiva. I don't care if the schools know about it or factor it in. It's theft plain and simple and is certainly not an upright way to act. How ironic that people act like complete scum to send their kids to yeshiva to learn to be upstanding individuals.
As for my last point, I'm not talking about teaching halacha. If the parent body doesn't keep Shabbos well, the school should teach the halachor of Shabbos. If the parents don't like it, don't send there. I'd even go so far as to say the same thing about hashkafa - don't like it don't send there. But, a line has to be drawn for certain matters that are solely in the parents' domain. For example, if the parents don't want their kids to go to Israel to learn (for financial or other reasons), it is not appropriate for the school to make the kids feel terrible, turn them against their parents, berate the parents or harass them in person or over the phone, or tell the kids to tell their parents they are simply going to go while the school arranges for a scholarship. Yes, I've seen that on multiple occasions as well as other similar examples.
"it is not appropriate for the school to make the kids feel terrible, turn them against their parents, berate the parents or harass them in person or over the phone, or tell the kids to tell their parents they are simply going to go while the school arranges for a scholarship."
It happened to me with camp, where one of the Rabbaim was a part owner, and he had my rebbe pressue me into going (while I knew my parents were in a tight spot and didn't/couldn't pay for it at that time).
I believe the correct response is: You want my child to do x, you can pay for it. I will not.
Forgot: Explain to the child that by following their rebbe over their parents, we (as parents) no longer see their financial well being as our problem, rather as the rabbis'. When you are ready to go to college, come back to me. In the mean time, allowance, spending money, etc. is cut off.
Healthy Kids New York does cover dental care, as well as medical care and well checkups. Not all dentists or doctors participate in the plan, but quite a lot do. There are income limits to qualify for that program, but you can be earning an income and not be on food stamps and such and still qualify. It's on a sliding scale, so those in the lowest brackets pay nothing at all. The website is http://www.ins.state.ny.us/website2/hny/english/hnyfhch.htm I would guess that such programs would be available in other states, as well.
I know of a little girl who died because her parents did not take her to a dentist for months from the time a problem manifested, and I know of a man who lost an eye when he was a teenager, because at that time his father would not agree to let the dentist treat an abscess in one of the boy’s molar teeth, and the infection traveled through the blood stream to the boy’s eye.
A dental infection can be fatal, and teeth don't usually hurt until there is some infection so taht it MUST be looked at as soon as there is pain.
Not even Torah study comes before the protection of life. Neglect of children is child abuse, and if that child dies, then the parent may be guilty of murder, even if no one accuses him of it.
Ava Miedzinski, DDS
(formerly of Monsey, NY)
Aside from the risk of infection that others have pointed out, and the halakhic issues that I am not qualified to comment on... won’t a persistent toothache have some effect on a child’s ability to LEARN IN SCHOOL?
There’s a difference between the value of Torah education, and the value of sitting in a building where Torah happens to be taught.
My wife & I made the decision to our children in PS. It was simply a matter of living within our means. My wife works for Baltimore city & has an excellent medical & dental plan. Nevertheless I believe that any parent who wouldn't take their children to a dentist is guilty of child abuse. My kids come before tuition. This whole topic is making me realize that I made a good decision.
Abba's Rantings:
With all due respect, I am tired of you constantly being so flippant about the very real concerns and worries many of us living in the real world have. Life is a lot more gray than you seem to believe. And I'm someone who often bucks the system and tries to think creatively around issues, besides refusing to swallow the kool-aid flavor of the chodesh.
The 7 Worst Foods for Teeth
**************************************
[1] Soft Drinks (Soda)
[2] Sports Drinks (high concentration of strong acids)
[3] Sour Candy (has tangy acids rot tooth enamel)
[4] Energy Drinks (has lots of acids)
[5] Fruit Juices (especially citrus, apple, and berry have acids)
[6] oranges, lemons and limes
[7] vinegar (in salad dressings, sauces, potato chips, pickles)
SOURCE: Yahoo Shine web site, 2011 August 10
www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/09/05/2011-09-05_unemployed_man_with_no_health_insurance_dies_after_minor_tooth_infection_spreads.html
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