Back to the Basics

I hope my readers will enjoy Rabbi Eli Mansour's Divrei Torah during the three weeks. This was pointed out to me by a reader (thank you!) and it was published in Community Magazine.

The conclusion of his column emphasizing personal responsibility, seeing the consequences of ones actions, and being happy with our lots is below as a taste. Head on over to Community Magazine to read the entire piece. I always enjoy Rabbi Mansour's Torah and thank my reader for pointing this out to me.

Some people might find it strange that a rabbi would emphasize specifically this issue as we enter the period of mourning for the hurban. It has become expected to hear about loftier subjects such as loving our fellow Jew, avoiding lashon hara (negative speech about people), prayer, modesty and Torah study. Undoubtedly, we should try to improve ourselves in all areas of religious observance, and the aforementioned topics, and so many others, are integral to this endeavor. But every so often, it is worthwhile to go back to the basics. The road to holiness begins with a basic sense of responsibility and discipline. Though the road certainly does not end there, that must be our point of departure. From there, we will hopefully continue to grow and improve, and become worthy of the long-awaited return of the divine presence to the Jewish nation, speedily and in our days, amen. [Emphasis mine].

Oy, Hawking of Yeshuot Moves to Daily Deal Sites

I generally refrain from all but informational blog posts during the 3 weeks. But after tons of segula posts and a cry against how tzedakah is marketed, I am choosing to blog this because, you know what, this is informative (!) as it is a change in the fundamentals, the underpinnings, the very basics. Truth be told, I had a bit of a laugh initially because it was so unexpected and the entire format of the deal seemed humorous. A coupon for tzedakah? With an expiration date to boot!

But then I stopped laughing. Looks like we have a new forum for hawking yeshuot and tzedakah. And if you read the background, it is worse than hawking tzedakah. Let someone else take over tefillah for you (I think tefillah is something that is difficult for many of us and that we could develop greater understanding and skill in), and believe that we are getting closer to Hashem while our "hearts desire" is fulfilled.

The online daily deal format is highly impulsive. It is a brilliant idea, a lot like a virtual Costco. There are lots of deep discounts and some really great deals, but you went in intending to buy some basics to realize the savings (yeast, flour, eggs, cheese), and now you own a beautiful jungle gym, some great gadgets, a lifetime supply of crasins, and a CD collection.

And, after reading the small print (see below because it is really important to absorb), there is so much to say, but I will save the commentary.

Discounted: 40 Consecutive Days of Prayer by a Torah Scholar at the Kotel for only $38.

Wish you could find your soulmate, get a better job and keep your family in good health ("gay gazinta hate!")? Buy this jdeal for $38 and a Torah scholar will pray on your behalf at the Kotel for 40 consecutive days ($95 value).

Of course, it would be such a m'chaya if you could get there yourself...but unless you won our recent seriously surprising jdeal for a free ticket to Israel via the HAS Advantage card, it may not be in the cards. Let a Torah scholar do it for you with daily trips to the Kotel (come wind, hail, rain or snow) where he will daven with kavana and say all the right things to help get your prayers answered. You too can join the countless individuals who found their beshert, and improved their jobs and health after these prayers. The best part: Your $38 will go to charity to support Jerusalem families.

Buy this jdeal today and thank Hashem for always being there...even when you can't be.

Expires 07/29/2011. May buy unlimited vouchers. Voucher redeemable 1 business day after purchase. Sign up form needs to be completed within 10 days after run date. No limit to sign ups per person. One person will be prayed for per sign up. Prayers will begin within 2 weeks of sign up. Must use in one sign up. Tax included. No cash or credit back. Not valid with other offers. Subject to availability. Redeemable online only.

The idea for Western Wall Prayers originally came from Gershon [deleted]. Gershon left his family's insurance business in Chicago in 1999 to pursue full-time Torah studies at the Center Program at Ohr Somayach Yeshiva in Jerusalem. After two years, he moved to Yeshivas Bircas HaTorah in the Old City where he learned full-time until he became its Executive Director in 2004. He now divides his time between a rigorous personal learning program and running much of the yeshiva's day-to-day business and management affairs.

Gershon founded Western Wall Prayers together with his wife Batya [deleted], a former lawyer who moved from her hometown of Toronto to Israel in 2001. She studied full-time at the Neve Yerushalayim and Eyaht seminaries before meeting and marrying Gershon in 2003.

Batya and Gershon live in the heart of the Jewish Quarter with their children [deleted], and are active members of the local community. They regularly host Shabbos guests from Jerusalem and around the world. Batya trained and certified as a spiritual therapist under Rabbi Efim Svirsky (head of the Aish HaTorah Russian program). She brings these skills to her role at Western Wall Prayers, using an understanding and intuitive approach to help applicants articulate their personal prayers. She sees her involvement in Western Wall Prayers as a true calling, an opportunity to help people get closer to their Creator and develop their power of prayer.

Batya and Gershon hand-pick some of the Old City's finest and most capable Rabbis, teachers and students to pray at the Kotel. These people's entire families often stay in the Old City with them for 40 consecutive days so that they can meet their awesome responsibility to the donor.

For the past six years on, Western Wall Prayers has attracted international attention and prayer requests from every corner of the Earth - and the result has been spectacular (thank G-d). But the essence of Western Wall Prayers remains the personal attention and guidance that Batya and her assistant Shira give to every single donor. Many of them stay in touch long after their 40 days have ended and their hearts' desire has been fulfilled."

Resist Using Tragedy to Prompt a Agenda

Words cannot express the deep emotion that so many people feel for the Boro Park family who lost their sweet boy to pure evil. The emotions are shared by Americans nationwide and people throughout the world. The murder was so gruesome and unfathomable, and for those in the Jewish community, the pain is only compounded by the fact that the murder himself is one of us a member of the tribe.

I was surprised to see just how many Op-Ed's quickly surfaced, which is to be expected in the age of communication. But I really think it important to be careful, take a deep breath, take in the pain, and resist using this tragedy to play Navi or promote an agenda. We will never know the reason why Hashem allowed this boy's young life to be snuffed out and to insinuate reasons is incredibly presumptuous, perhaps even damaging when emotions run high. This is not to say that we should not be engaging in individual and communal introspection, each community and each man or woman examining.

I see little productive purpose in an organization coming in and drawing a correlation for the mourners of Israel (and attempting to raise money for their cause). This is an incredible and painful travesty, one for which we should be careful not to point fingers too quickly. And, furthermore (!) there are immediate pressing needs, particularly the important material and spiritual needs of the family in the present.

Now I'd like to say something about the third leg what is being promoted to "boost the kedusha" of Klal Yisael: tznius. (Note: I have no objection to tackling addictions or molestation or even tzniut issues). But, I believe the focus on tznius vis a vis one singular aspect (female dress) is extremely damaging. In this case, it is even more insidious. Mothers everywhere are taking a look at their parenting. They are trying to figure out where more supervision is needed and where freedom is age-appropriate. They are trying to figure out how much to supervise, how much to educate, how much to hover, how much to step back. . . . . are the talk being circulated tells women, mothers, girls that the goal is that we all have to "look invisible."

Let's resist using this horrific, horrific event to promote agendas. Let's step back, allow the emotions and logic to reach an equilibrium, and then perhaps publish editorials.

[Update: also see Rabbi Chaim B. of Divrei Chaim post "Crass" who is right to the point: "

I don't even want to discuss whether anyone can claim understanding of why Hashem would allow a child's life to be taken. To advertise in this way is not a philosophical or theological affront -- it is simply vulgar and crass. It's not a matter of a warped sense of Torah values, but a matter of a complete lack of derech eretz and common decency." Amen selah].

Two notes:

1. I'm turning on comment moderation for right now. Comment moderation has been turned off for now.

2. A note to a particular reader who will likely comment: while I do not normally engage in listening to these chizuk, tznius speeches, I have family that is very into this, so I'm not in the dark as to what these talks consist of.

It is the Way of Men to Pursue Women!

Rabbi Pruzansky of the Rabbi Pruzansky blog has written a column has simply blown me out of my seat: Dating Self-Help. While I do see many merits of 'shidduchim', I have long felt that the manifestations of such has simply emasculated the male population. And, I don't think it's done much for the fairer half either. The rejection of the natural, i.e. men pursuing women in hopes of marriage and building a family, along with any other practices designed to save children and adults from rejection, potential embarrassment, feelings of being different, what have you, have left us weakened when it comes to simply dealing with life and everything life hands to us.

The article is a must read, so head on over to the Rabbi's blog. Following are a few key quotes. I like that the Rabbi doesn't beat around bush and I like that in the concluding paragraph he connects the idea of molding more assertive men to more confident women. Such a cultural change would make forums like this obsolete!

The Gemara (Kiddushin 2b) cites the pasuk “When a man takes a woman [in marriage]” and explains “darko shel ish l’chazer al ha-isha,” it is the way of men to pursue women [in marriage]. It is not the way of men, or shouldn’t be, to enlist a band of agents, intermediaries, and attorneys to do the work for them. By infantilizing and emasculating our males, we have complicated a process that should be simpler and made a joyous time into one of relentless anguish and hardship for many women.

In the realm of dating and marriage, we are breeding Ohn [Korach's original co-conspirator whom was saved by his wife] by the thousands by freeing men from their obligation to pursue their potential spouses, and thereby relegating women to the dependent role of passively waiting to be the chosen one. Why do we do that, and is there a better option ?

Some will argue that the shidduch system spares our children the pain of rejection – but part of life, and a huge part of parenting, is preparing our children for a world in which they will experience rejection at some point. That is called maturity.

Something is not normal, and against human nature as Chazal perceived it, for men to be so diffident, so timid, so Ohn-like, and sit back comfortably relying on others to procure them dates. Young men who would not allow others to choose for them a lulav and etrog do not hesitate to delegate others to find them a spouse.

As well-meaning as the system intends, it must be demeaning and deflating – worse than even the rejection that happens after casual encounters.

As a community we have other options than the false choice of isolationism or promiscuity, and we need to strengthen our young men with the inner confidence to guide their own lives. There are too many people walking around with Y chromosomes who are not men

May Hashem bless with success the work of all shadchanim. But we need to shift the culture away from the passive indifference of the well-connected to the active pursuit of spouses by all, and thereby mold more assertive men and more confident women. That is because more is expected of us – as a nation that is called by G-d for greatness not mediocrity, to be active not passive, to be followers of G-d and leaders of mankind.

Readers, besides shidduchim, what other practices of modern day parenting and modern day chinuch do you see as emasculating men and creating wall flower women?

School Supply Buying Season Has Arrived

I feel as though summer has just started, but July has rolled around and if you are a fellow frugalist(a), it is time to start watching the Staples and Office Depot advertisements for Back to School Deals. If you prefer not to watch the ads, make sure you are subscribed blogs such as Kosher on a Budget or Cheapskate for school supply alerts and links to coupons. A quick trip twice a month or so through the a big box Office Supply Store starting in July is an integral part of our summer. The kids pick up their inexpensive required supplies. I pick up inexpensive supplies for my own home office. And, I often restock the gift box with gifts and useful, nearly free, party favors.

As a general rule, I dislike shopping. And, stronger than my dislike of shopping is my dislike of shopping with an impending deadline. So, when I do drag everyone out shopping, I like to cover as much ground as possible. This week, I'm restocking certain items like salsa. I found out that our Dollar Tree has $1 jars of salsa, so when I was buying a case, I also had the kids pick out the paper goods for their birthday parties. They all happily pinned down a theme, and I'm happy that I don't have to go back to this store for a good long time to come.

This week, getting to Staples for a quick run through for 1 cent glues and 1 cent pencil cap erasers is a must. My $5 minimum purchase will quickly be met with the purchase of two reams of paper, which will be 25 cents each after I submit for rebate.

If you are a regular office supply store customer (as I am), and will be able to use the rewards because you have to buy paper and ink throughout the year, the big deal to watch for at Staples is their free after rewards backpack deal. That deal usually pops up mid-summer. Each year I try to pick up a backpack for the future. Last year, my oldest picked out a really fantastic, high quality backpack. It still looks brand new and will continue to serve us going into the 2011-2012 school year. Nonetheless, I don't mind having surplus backpack supply because 1) things break when nothing is on sale and 2) I like to have different backpacks prepacked for outings, workouts, diapering, etc.

I plan to get over to Office Depot too. Their rewards program is not nearly as friendly as Staples Rewards Program. But the store is nearby another destination and they are offering 100% rewards on things that do make nice gifts, as well as ridiculously expensive pens that someone I know will much appreciate.

And on a different note: When I've been out shopping during the school supply rush season, I always note that parents are very frustrated by the growing supply list (thankfully our school's supply list is fairly basic and I was please to see most of the supplies were used up). Supply lists should be as general as possible. It is best for parents and students to be able to "shop at home" by picking out suitable supplies from the supply cabinet at home.

And on a final note: There are programs for donating school supplies. If anyone has ever organized a donation program for yeshiva schools, I'd appreciate a guest post on the subject.

Recommended Reading:

My summary of the Staples Rewards Program(s) from a former post. And a few notes:

When heading to Staples, don't forget to put your empty ink cartridges in a bag to recycle for Staples Rewards dollars.

If you are in the market for a printer, watch for the printer recycling program. This is a nice way to knock $50 off the price of a new printer when you recycling an old printer regularly priced at or above $199 (look for a sale on a printer you like). Something to watch for if you aren't too particular, a floor model that has been slashed in price combined with $50 off for recycling your printer. The last time Staples had this deal, there were floor models marked down significantly that would have been almost free with a recycled printer.

If you are in the market for a phone system, consider recycling your old phones. There is a $30 price reduction when you do so.

My summary of the Office Depot WorkLife Rewards Program.

Things to Find Out Before Buying a Home

Baruch Hashem, home ownership has worked in our favor, but the more times I do it and the more times I field questions, the more I realize that in a certain sense, I've went in blind and thankfully everything has worked out well.

I've written a lot about hidden costs on this blog and I thought I'd address five areas of hidden costs on a home and what questions to ask:

1. Utilities? It is a good practice to get an accounting of utilities used in the past year. But utility bills aren't the entire story. Do the current owners blast the heat or bundle up? Do the current owners shvitz in the summer, or is the home nice and cool? Are people home using utilities during the year or is everyone out of the house? Knowing how many residents is helpful also. If an elderly couple is living in the home, e.g., the water bill estimate will need to be increased if you are moving 2 adults and 4 very active children into the home.

To get a good handle on what utilities should run, speak to other people in the neighborhood to compare costs and try to come to a good estimate regarding the cost of utilities.

2. Property Tax? Knowing what the current owners are paying in property tax is not enough. It is a good practice to get copies of 3 years of bills to see the assessment and credits. Many counties offer credits which might be applicable to the current owner but won't necessarily be applicable to you. If there are credits for energy saving improvements, find out if that credit is applicable. Do the current owners qualify for a property tax credit based on income for which you would be ineligible? Even if you are currently eligible, what type of jump will you experience should your income increase?

3. Insurance? Insurance costs can vary widely. Rather that inquiring about the current owners current insurance policy, which might have a different deductible or different coverage amounts than you would like, call your insurance broker directly and get a solid estimate regarding insurance. It is very likely the current owner qualifies for a lower price based on military service, for example. To date, I have been unable to match the insurance price of the previous owners of this home, although we've been able to shave off cost by working with a great broker.

4. Maintenance and Upkeep Bills? If I'd only asked for maintenance bills on the first home, I might have either opted for a different home or asked for a sizable discount. A home inspection can detect a lot, but if an owner is a bit, uh, desperate, you might find yourself in for more than you bargained for. Are there regular repairs to any systems, like plumbing? Will you need to bring out a pest control service regularly for bees or other vermin?

If you are buying a home with a bonus, like a pool or fancy landscaping or even a deck/gazebo or a fireplace, find out what that costs are to maintain the extras (or alternatively, hauled away). Don't forget to find out what it costs to have the lawn mowed, the gutters cleaned, or the leaves raked if you don't plan to take care of it yourself. Even if you do plan on taking care of it yourself, it still might be good to work the extra into your budget. Neighbors don't like seeing your lawn turn into the jungle because you've been traveling for work.

This list just touches the surface. Feel free to share your surprises.

Don't Hate!

A comment left on a different thread

Wow. What a judgmental bunch. I suspect that everyone on this board commenting negatively has a very comfortable income and assets. We don't know what this family's situation is . . . . . .

A number of years ago, I had a couple came to my home where they outlined their situation of personal financial woe and the went on to cast an "ayin hara" on our situation, which they summed up by looking around (at what they didn't have, we live in a pretty run of the mill home, although we love it and it is our mansion): my husband must have a very high income and our parents must have set us up quite nicely.

Was our income higher than theirs? Yes (and their income could have been higher with a different attitude and approach). But even when we had their not-so-shabby income, we were managing to save what they were managing to accumulate in amassing debt. Have we received more "help" from our parents? I have no idea and frankly it doesn't really matter. "Help" will only put you ahead if your behave with your money: earning with integrity, spending with frugality, and saving with determination. If money were to land in our lap tomorrow, our lives would remain the same. They've already spend the money that could land in their lap in their imagination.

Over the years I've met many people who believe that those doing well are doing well because of income. Over the years I've met many people who believe the reason some couples are ahead is because their parents are well-off and are helping. Over the years I've worked with many people who are just downright jealous. And, worse yet, their jealousy is completely misplaced because they do have a reasonable financial situation and with some creativity and discipline, they too could have a piece of that pie.

There are janitors that are quite comfortable and celebrities who are broke. One such celebrity-athlete who went broke was Mike Tyson:

Tyson had earned over $300 million during his career as a boxer but jewelry, mansions, cars, limousines, cellphones, parties, clothing, motorcycles and Siberian tigers eventually caught up to him. In 2003, when no more green came out of the debit machine, he had to file for bankruptcy, thanks to his colourful variety of debts including $13.4 million to the IRS and a $9 million divorce settlement to his ex-wife, Monica Turner. From 1995 to 1997, he spent $9 million in legal fees, $230,000 on pagers and cellphones, and $410,000 on a birthday party. In June 2002, he owed $8,100 to care for his tigers and $65,000 for limos.

Sadly, a lot of Mike Tyson's financial behavior--less the Siberian tigers as pet ownership is one area where you don't hear money being sucked out of the frum oilam's pockets--, is prevalent (albeit on a smaller scale, although as a ratio of income earned, perhaps it is on a greater scale) in our own communities.

Too much house for your station, too much car for your station, too much party for your station, too much tech for your station, too much clothing for your station. . . . and the formula is the same: broke. Income and assets be darned. They aren't the only part of the equation. In my experience, they are the less important part of the equation.

I do take the criticism I receive from readers very seriously and I want to make it clear that when I use real life examples of financial behavior gone wrong (such as continual borrow, the post that initiated this particular anon comment) it is **not** to make fun, but to give an examples of financial behavior that are ultimately destructive. I also have numerous posts on money saving tips too, all of which contain ideas that can be adopted by those who would like to achieve more prosperity and comfort.

I'd say that the commentor is just as judgmental as he (or she?) accuses the readership of being. I can only speak for my own household, but the comfort that we have achieved thus far isn't due to a silver spoon permanently lodged in our throats. At every juncture we have made deliberate decisions to live below our means, while the couple that expressed their jealousy of our situation, has and continues to make decisions that contribute to their financial woe. With a different relationship to finances, they too would be more comfortable.

Don't hate! Keep jealousy in check. Take notes when that jealousy emerges. **Learn new skills.** And maybe there will be a more prosperous financial future ahead.