Financial Infidelity

Sometimes blogging material just falls in my lap. Today in the car I caught the following radio spot, narrated by Donald Trump. Normally I wouldn't bring Donald Trump into my blog, but it fits right into the "Our Finances" series, so I had to share it (fortunately, I was able to find the transcript online). Mr. Trump's voice on his radio spot adds a lot, but I can't upload the voice.

"Sure, you’ve heard about normal infidelity, but what about financial infidelity? That’s when women hide their spending from their spouses. [I'd say that is when one spouse, any spouse, hides pertinent information from the others. . . .but, for some reason Mr. Trump decided to focus on the women].

According to several recent stories I’ve read, women are likely to buy expensive designer items with cash. That way, it’s easier to hide their spending from their husband or boyfriend.

In fact, it gets so serious sometimes that more than 80 percent of American women go so far as to actually hide department store shopping bags from their men so they don’t even suspect they were out buying things.

Some people say it’s only fair. Lots of guys cheat in the bedroom, so what if lots of women cheat at the mall?

I say cheating is cheating, whatever kind it is. Sooner or later, you’re going to get caught so decide whether the thrill is worth the price you’ll pay in the end."

Donald Trump focuses on the women in his radio spot. We know that men hide a lot of financial information from their wives also. Either way, it is a form of infidelity and undermines the marriage.

From a halachic standpoint, "Financial Infidelity," involves many issurim. The Ben Ish Hai addresses the issue of a wife's responsiblity to guard the husband's assets in his sefer for women. Unfortunately, "Financial Infidelity" is a problem amongst the am yisrael, as it is amongst the general public.

I think a smart rule of thumb to follow is that if you feel uncomfortable telling your spouse about a purchase, investment, or business scheme, you shouldn't be buying, investing, or engaging in it until the issue is hashed out. I am a believer that trust is probably the most important element in a healthy marriage. Without trust, the foundation is cracked.

Short and sweet. Up next, advice for singles.

Tzniut Meme

MominIsrael has tagged me with a tzniut meme. I believe I'm venturing into new territory on this blog since the only subject I believe we have discussed here re: tzniut is tzniut in demonstrating wealth (or the facade of wealth, as is often the case). The subject is a timely one since it is getting hotter and hotter outside and dressing within the confines of halacha can be a challenge, no matter what you believe the confines of halacha are. And while I have good reason to believe that the halacha is more forgiving than many would like to believe it is, tzniut is nevertheless a challenge.

For married women, do you dress by the same standards as you did when you got married?
For married women, do you dress by the same standards as you did when you got married? Also for married women, do you and your husband conflict about this issue?
Do you often feel uncomfortable when you are in the company of a group keeping higher or lower standards than you?

But "tzniut," as it pertains to dress, seems to be as largely defined by social constructs as by halacha, if not more so. I believe that if you ran into me at the grocery store, you would see a person who is well within the boundaries of the halacha. While my identifiably Orthodox way of dress lets the non-Orthodox and non-Jewish world know I am observant, it also lets those well within the Orthodox world draw their own conclusions too.

I'm blessed to have friends from across the spectrum of Orthodoxy. I think dressing in a "moderate" way (hair covered, skirts, long sleeves) opens up the doors of general acceptance. On the other hand, I have felt quite excluded from certain cliques also and I believe that the exclusion hinges, in many ways, on the manner in which I dress. While I don't desire to be part of this type of clique (I hated middle school for a reason), rejection never feels good either.

So what do I lack? Both major ingredients of "respectability:" fashionable/high class clothing and a sheitel to top off the package. Let's just say I'm not dressed to the Nine's and I'm no "Hot Chanie." I think a non-sheitel wearer cannot be a Hot Chanie by definition.

My lack of both stems from my disinterest in fashion, innate practicality, and budget consciousness. When I buy clothing, I expect to wear it for at least 3-5 years. So anything I wouldn't be caught dead in next season won't make it into my closet. Of course, this makes me into a bit of a plain Jane. I also spend my days running errands, running after my kids, getting spit up on, playing ball, or doing chores. I need comfortable clothing and a pair of tennis shoes, not suits and high heels.

The decision to cover my hair only with hats/tichels, as opposed to a sheitel, was made towards the beginning of our marriage. There was a strong halachic aspect to it, as many Sephardi Rabbis (but not all) do not like sheitals. When we first married, my husband would have been fine with an inexpensive sheitel, but I wasn't comfortable in a sheitel that looked like a sheitel, and we weren't forking over thousands of dollars for a hairpiece that seemed to defeat the purpose, especially when I was not going to be working for the foreseeable future. Sometimes I become a bit sad or self-conscious because I am the only one without a sheitel at many events. At this point, getting a sheitel is a non-discussion item. We don't believe it is the ideal way to cover ones hair and unless I end up working outside my home again, I don't think we will be re-visiting the subject.

What is really sad, strange, etc, is that I don't feel self-conscious or different when I am spending time around shomer Shabbat people holding on a "lower" level. I only seem to experience this discomfort around those on a "higher" level. Of course, assuming "lower" and "higher" are covering all the right parts, I'm only talking about perception because many times there is more social construct to the dress than halacha. Of course, if we are eating in certain homes and they really hold a stricter opinion on stockings for example, I will put on a pair even if it is 100 degrees outside to respect their standards. But, I'm not doing to wear a beautiful suit on a Tuesday or buy a sheitel to meet their standards.

How accepting is your community of women who "deviate" from the generally accepted mode of dress?

I'm fortunate to live in a community with a broad ranges of what is acceptable. I'm probably middle of the road with much of what I do. But in any large community, there are sub-groups who set their own standards of how one should dress, which prompted some of my comments above. I'd say outside of a select few, really most people are fairly accepting.

If you have a daughter, has tzniut become an issue yet?
Have your standards changed from when you were growing up, and why?

Our daughter is far too young to worry about tzniut yet. I think you need to be able to consistently use the bathroom for such to become a concern. But, I'm sure it will become a balancing act. Growing up, I was extremely athletic and participated in competitive sports. This is something our own daughters won't be able to do, at least at the same level. If they get my genes and inherit my drive, we have our work cut out for us. :) But I'm not worried now. I just wish there was a school that offer PE more than once a week. With so little physical activity that is offered, the bigger challenge will probably be making sure that all of our kids (boys and girls) get enough exercise.

I'm tagging: OutofTown and Debt and Life.

BIG Mazal Tov and some Fun Chanukah Things

I want to take this time to wish all of my friends and readers a Chanukah Sameach and a Shabbat Shalom. Please keep reading and discussing. A great readership really helps the writer behind the computer screen.

And, I am honored to wish a big Mazal Tov to Rabbi Yakov and Udi Horowitz, on the upcoming marriage of their daughter Faigy to Dovid Meir Loeb on week from this Sunday. Rabbi Horowitz's articles and parenting column are excellent and well worth the time. May Faigy and Dovid Meir build a bayit ne'eman b'yisrael. What a lucky couple to have such parents to look to when their time to parent comes.

I've tried to make it a point to post some interesting Sephardi tidbit before each Yom Tov. So, in continuing with this tradition, I thought I would post a cute little Ladino Chanukah Song, "Ocho Kandelikas," which I was teaching one of my children this week, and a recipe for the food mentioned in the song.

The song can be heard in full here. (A word of warning for those who don't listen to kol isha on recordings, this recording includes kol isha. Sorry.)

Lyrics:
Hanukah linda sta aki, ocho kandelas para mi, Hanukah Linda sta aki, ocho kandelas para mi. O...
(Beautiful Chanukah is here, eight candles for me. )

Refrain: Una kandelika, dos kandelikas, tres kandelikas, kuatro kandelikas, sintyu kandelikas, sej kandelikas, siete kandelikas, ocho kandelas para mi.
(One candle, two candles, . . . . eight candles for me)

Muchas fiestas vo fazer, con alegrias i plazer. Muchas fiestas vo fazer, con alegrias i plazer. O...
(Many parties will be held, with happiness and pleasure)

Repeat Refrain.

Los pastelikos vo kumer, con almendrikas i la myel. Los pastelikos vo kumer, con almendrikas i la myel. O... (We will eat pastelikos [see below] with almonds and honey).

Repeat Refrain.

Bimuelos recipe

The following is a Sephardi pastry recipe for Chanukah. It is essentially a doughnut, but instead of putting jelly inside, it is dipped into a sweet syrup or warm honey. They can be made in advance, stored in an airtight container. But, if you make it in advance, warm the syrup for dipping in when you serve. (Since we are serving these for Shabbat Chanukah, I will be keeping the syrup warm on the blech for dipping at dessert time and may even warm the pastries up for a brief time).

• 1 package or 2.5 teaspoons active dry yeast
• 2 cups warm water
• 1 teaspoon sugar or honey
• 2.5 cups flour
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• Vegetable oil for deep-frying
• 1 recipe of sugar syrup cooled

1. Dissolve yeast in 1/4 cup of water. Stir in sugar or honey and let stand 5-10 minutes until foamy.
2. Combine flour and salt in a large bowl and make a well in the center. Pour yeast mixture and remaining water into the well and stir until dough is smooth. Cover and let rise at room temperature until it doubles, approximately 1.5 hours. Stir again.
3. Heat 2 inches of oil of a medium heat to 375 degrees.
4. Dip spoon in cold water to drop doubt into hot oil. Deep-fry until golden brow on all sides. Drain on paper towels.
5. Dip warm doughnuts into cooled syrup. If you prefer, you can dust with confectionery sugar (or see above for Shabbat method).

Sugar Syrup

Combine 2 cups of sugar (or 1 cup of sugar and 1 cup of honey) with 1 cup of water and 2 teaspoons of lemon juice. Bring to a boil, stirring frequently. Reduce heat to simmer and simmer without stirring until a syrup forms. Cool in the refrigerator. You can add a 1/2 teaspoon of ground cinnamon, a tablespoon of orange zest, or even a tablespoon or rose water or other fragrant water.

And a Halachic Concept

Rabbi Mansour answers the question, "Chanukah- When Your Neighbor Does Not Have Enough Money To Buy Oil To Light The Menorah," what the halacha is when your neighbor does not have the money to buy enough oil to light the minimum, while you have only enough money to fulfill lighting all of the candles (a hiddur, as we are only required on light on each night as a minimum). The answer in short is that the neighbor with money for all of the lights, but no more than that, sacrifices his hiddur so his neighbor can fulfill the mitzvah of lighting too.

Rabbi Mansour states: "Although this Halacha may not have direct, practical relevance nowadays, the underlying principle is an important one: a person should be prepared to help others perform Mitzvot at the minimum level, even at the expense of his own performance at the highest standard."

This principal hopefully will serve as a nice lead in to a future topic. (!) Stay tuned. . .and Happy Chanukah.