From Bad to Worse, Way Worse

(Sorry, not the final post on the hot topic at hand)

I'm going to make a prediction that ideas have consequences. The day will come (i.e. watch your mailboxes) where someone opens a "long overdue" tzedakah to provide "free" plastic surgery to 24 + year old, perfectly healthy girls who haven't yet married. Throw money at it is always the name of the game. Of course, the defenders will defend the solution "if it just helps one single. . . . . . "

One surgeon alone, based on the recommendations of shadchanim who feel their clients aren't marketable, will not be able to provide enough pro-bono surgery to "plain" girls who are in need of surgery, and it is unlikely that others will step up to this (potentially career ending) plate. So, a tzedakah will be commissioned. Those who "can afford" will drain funds affording. Those who can't quite afford will borrow. And some hachnasat kallah fund will be opened up for the rest.

Rabbinic leaders: now is the time to open up a blog about culture, pen a letter, and do so q-u-i-c-k-l-y. This is a halachic issue (the doc claims he will only work with those who come with refernces from shadchanim and Rabbis). This is an issue of culture. This is the yellow brick road to accepting eugenics, etc and changing the nation of the klal forever.

You think I'm exaggerating. . . . the doctor is drumming up quite a bit of support over at VIN.

On the subject of post-marriage (once the flowers have wilted and the enhancements have been eclipsed the effects of age and motherhood), check out this comment:

What about the ladies like myself who are having major marriage problems because of weight issues from having children. I had some c-sections and if I had a tummy tuck and lipo my husband might give me a chance. If only these guys would go into marriage loving their wives for who they are instead of their looks only and realize that things change, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation. I would take that surgery for free any day...

Wasn't an Adar/Purim Joke

It is official, the previously linked article (All the single ladies. . . you aren't very pretty so go get plastic surgery to be hot enough to date my son) was NOT belated Purim shtick, but rather the serious thoughts of one woman. . . a woman who, while mostly condemned, was also celebrated by other mother-in-laws to be.

(Quite frankly I am at a loss because I know no other group of people as a whole that places so much emphasis on fashion, looking one's best at all times, and spends a small fortune on looking regal as the right wing population).

A few select quotes:

Yitta Halberstam Mandelbaum Responds: I wrote the article with tremendous trembling and trepidation because I didn’t, chas v’shalom, want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and because I knew in advance there would be people who would misread it, miscomprehend it, misconstrue my intent and lash back in anger. . . . ..

. . . . if you read the title of the article carefully, you will see that I called it “The Tyranny of Beauty.” This should have immediately alerted you – and anyone else who misconstrued my intention – that I am actually horrified by the priorities of beauty that hold sway in our society. . . .

I have spoken to boys in shidduchim until I was blue in my face about “inner beauty” and “real values” and their own shallowness in seeking good looks in prospective partners. I have begged them to give the girls a chance – just one date.

Believe me, I have been doing this since I was 18, and I have, b”h, made several shidduchim that resulted in marriages. I also worked as a volunteer matchmaker for Saw You At Sinai. But during all my interactions with these men, I saw over and over again (and it broke my heart) that appearance counts with them, some less, some more. So as I much as I dislike – in fact abhor – men’s emphasis on outer surfaces, I feel we all have to face the harsh reality and try to accommodate it.

Orthonomics responds:

Perhaps we need to get back to some Torah basics via basic Tanach. Just as the author drew a lesson from the story of Queen Esther which was not only not there but rather quite the opposite (note: Queen Esther was on no pursuit for King Ahashverosh), she seems to be taking a page out of the story of Lot in regards to a fanatical suggestion.

Just a quick refresher course for those that missed this incident: when Lot in Sodom he was visited by two men (actually angels) with whom he broke bread. When the inhospitable townspeople formed a mob around his home demanding that he send out his guests so that they could engage in relations with them, Lot, while praying the guests not be harmed instead offers up his unmarried, virginal daughters for the mob to have their way with and satisfy their appetites with.

Throughout Tanach I see a rather consistent message regarding the importance of taming and controlling one's sexual appetite. Whether it is mitzvot placing restrictions on sexuality as a whole, sexuality outside of the marriage, or sexuality within the marriage, the Torah asks us to utilize this drive appropriately.

While it is also true that attraction and pro-active pursuit by women within marriage is of importance (Leah and the dudaim, the copper mirrors of the women of mitzyarim that later were used for the avodah), I can think of no place where we are asked to "face the harsh reality [of men's boys' demands and fantasies] and try to accommodate it" via the suggestions of Mrs. Yitta Halberstam Mandelbaum, i.e. transformation from "plain" to swan via a menu of possible vanities and even surgeries no matter the cost ("borrow money if you have to").

The worst part of it is that I'm not even certain that it is the "men's" appetite that the author asks young women to try to satisfy because the "men" aren't exactly out there searching for their lost half a la Adam and Chava or even a woman that they find attractive. The "men" are normally passive participants, at least in the initial phase of dating, while the mothers, sisters, and shadchaniyot call the shots. So who is accommodating whom? Who is seeking the accessory or trophy wife?

One person writes in the Jewish Press comments: Why are we humoring these men? Why do they hold the cards?

Amen. It is time to stop accommodating bad behavior, both the bad behavior of "mothers of boys" (and I've witnessed some pretty abhorrent behavior myself) and the bad behavior of boys who demand nothing less than someone who can rival a magazine cover.

And You Thought NASI Was Raising the Price of Shidduchim?!?!

JUST SOME SELECT QUOTES:

Were they in denial about the qualities young men are seeking in future wives? Yes, it is somewhat disillusioning that men dedicated to full-time Torah learning possess what these girls might perceive are superficial values, but brass tacks: they want a spouse to whom they are attracted. The young men themselves might be too shy or ashamed to admit it, but their mothers won’t hesitate to ask what for some is the deal maker/deal breaker question, namely: “Is she pretty?”

Recently, an acquaintance of mine reported the happy news that her first cousin had become a kallah for the first time at the tender age of forty. “She wowed her chasan with her beauty,” she said. “That’s what gave her an edge over the other women her age.” Then she paused. “Let’s see…she had a nose job….gastric bypass …botox injections….her teeth were capped…..and she wears violet-blue contact lenses…There’s practically nothing about her that’s real!” she laughed. “But…guess what? She’s getting married next month!”

Mothers this is my plea to you: There is no reason in today’s day and age with the panoply of cosmetic and surgical procedures available, why any girl can’t be transformed into a swan. Borrow the money if you have to; it’s an investment in your daughter’s future, her life.

So, my dear sweet mothers who are bristling with indignation at my thesis and feel deeply offended by my proposition: please do not be hurt by what I am suggesting. I truly want to help. If your daughter’s shidduch prospects are being hampered by a flaw or problem that can be banished or remedied, please give her the emotional and financial support to correct it. Yes, I know that we all want to be cherished for who we are inside, but whether we like it or not, appearances do count. And no Yom Tov demonstrates that reality more than Purim.

Goodbye NASI and their meshugas, hello Yitti Halberstam who seeks to raise the price of shidduchim beyond the price of pearls and rubies (those are already on the list of required shidduch gifts anyways!) Now you can add elective surgery into the budget along with shadchanus gelt, the long list of gifts, the big wedding, and the after wedding support/help because as we know "money ain't a thing" and eugenics is a yiddishe maise.

And all this money to buy what? News to the "mothers of boys", your (best) boys aren't all that! Few of them have had much in the way of responsibility. Most of them have yet to pay an electric bill of their own. Since they haven't worked, they haven't had to take on much responsibility or face much frustration. For the most part, they haven't lived at home and needed to uphold responsibilities there either. Chessed hours are girl territory. And, most of the boys will require an even bigger cash infusion after marriage because few of these princes are men. . . . . . .but make sure frumma Barbie is there to accessorize.

Speaking of "mothers of boys," do not these same mothers have daughters of their own? It is simply astounding that these mothers can hate (themselves) and bnot yisrael while worshipping their sons.

And, while I'd like to believe that this is just the rantings of one woman (the Jewish Press did make a choice to publish it), if you've played in the shidduch sandbox long enough you will know that many mothers are either 1) allowing their son's sexual drives to drive the shidduch process without enough torat imecha or 2) super-imposing what the want. . . a great accessory.

For years and years and years I've heard about how exploitative and degrading towards women the outside world is. And yet for all the arguments for a more formalized shidduch system, I can't think of much more exploitative than recent shidduch phenomena, from the myriads of rules, to high priced shidduchim being fed by the "shidduch crisis" and capitalized upon by NASI, to this drivel. My take on the outside world is much more kind. While there are major issues and a shidduch crises of its own brewing as more and more boys are under accomplished, underemployed, and stuck in an adolescent rut, I don't see looks and other superficialities as an the prominent players among those who are marrying and building homes. Ultimately, good marriages are build foundations of friendship, giving, trust, and respect. My overweight or "plain" friends are as likely to be married as my bombshell beautiful friends. If they can give to another person and offer love, companionship, and friendship, they can marry. In a world where first impressions aren't everything, as first impressions need not be last impressions, this isn't particularly surprising.

As I've said before, just when you think a society can't sink lower, something else comes around the bend to make sure that we witness the decent to the 49th level of tumah. One would have thought that this was Purim Torah (has the author ever learned Megillah and commentaries?), but it appears to be more of a redux of our years in mitzrayim, a country where physicality was king and tzniut of spirit was a message unheard.

More on other topics of shidduchim another time.

NASI: The Kick Off and the Endorsers

As per Matzav publishing a NASI press release, NASI is kicking off their program with over 70 shadchanim and they have published a list of Rabbis endorsing their program. Personally, I'd like to hear from some of the endorsers because there are some names that surprise me.

I continue to believe the program defies all logic and the idea of making shidduchim more expensive strikes me as cruel. I'm not certain what the current fee scale is to be a part of the program, but in any case the fees are very high. I'm also certain that the endorsing Rabbis are aware of the lack of cash of so many families and I simply cannot wrap my head around how this can be endorsed as a solution without peer reviewed studies on the underlying issue (the "age gap"), some unbiased market research, etc.

JDeal: Saw You at Sinai

Back to regular blogging momentarily. In the meantime, I'm trying to work through about 20 work related emails, but when I caught this one I figured it was worth posting for my readers looking for a shidduch.

$22.42 for 3 month Saw You at Sinai Membership

The Disconnect

Rabbi Berel Wein wrote a JPost column this past week called THE DISCONNECT about the widening disconnect between leadership and the vast bulk of the Orthodox population. He points to a few issues and asks the populace to demand more from "those who claim the ability and knowledge to lead us." Quite frankly, I'm not certain which leaders Rabbi Wein thinks the populace should be demanding more from. What I am certain of is that there is a disconnect, especially from crowned leadership (that Americans are increasingly turning to, bypassing the LOR-Local Orthodox Rabbi) and even from the local Rabbinate who aren't particularly subject to the same demands.

There isn't much in the article that I want to blog about from the article, except to point out something that I'm not certain many 'leaders' are willing to admit (perhaps even to themselves? Leadership of some schools will tell people that the tuition burden is mostly shared even though there is much evidence to say that this is not the case). So it is nice to see some confirmation of what many in the populace believe to be true vis a vis tuition:

The tuition rates for attending Jewish schools are rapidly reaching the breaking point. A small percentage of parents – those who pay full or almost full tuition at schools – are subsidizing the rest of the parent body who cannot afford the astronomical amounts that are termed full tuition. But that group of people – those who can and do pay full tuition – is a rapidly diminishing breed. Instead of addressing this problem – the true time bomb that threatens the future of Torah education – we spread our wealth so thin that we are unable to help the situation.

An issue that Jewish Worker blogs about this week demonstrates this vast disconnect is regarding monetary needs/tzedakah and just how vast and broad the need is. Shas is working on a plan to provide life insurance under a group plan to kollel students. A monthly premium would be deducted from their checks to provide for this need. One would think such an idea would be embraced wholeheartedly. But, as per the Israeli Mishpacha, Rav Shteineman has come out against this plan claiming that it is the zechut of tzedaka to widows and orphans is saving the generation from destruction. As Jewish Worker rightfully points out, even where life insurance could take over from tzedakah, there is no shortage of need and suffering in the Chareidi community. Yet the answer to hishtadult is "no", which Jewish Worker points out is an answer of "let them suffer so we can do a mitzvah" because the needs of the community are growing exponentially.

Dr. E over at Cross-Currents, in response to Rabbi Wein's article, notes the following regarding the disconnect. . . and (dan l'chaf zechut), I can only conclude that Universally recognized great Torah minds are simply shielded from the realities of those that they lead, even if their pictures are plastered on proclamations and advertisements for certain tzedaka organizations. The math is staggering:

Focusing on that, how did it become that way? One obvious culprit is a creation called Askanim. Ma rabu maasecha Hashem! These are the gatekeepers and social engineers who are both the diagnosticians of the ills of our community as well as the technicians who deliver the therapy. They know what is best for the masses and exploit the name recognition of great people, filtering information in both directions. Believe it or not, here was a time in history when great Rabbinic luminaries answered their own phones, opened their own mail, read newspaper, and penned their own signatures after carefully reading the paragraphs above it. But, more importantly, they lived in the communities for whom they led, paskened for, and inspired. (It would make a great doctoral dissertation to pinpoint the year and place when the period of the Acharonim transitioned into the era of the Askanim.) While we have some great Poskim with encyclopedic minds covering the breadth and depth of Torah, they are prevented from developing the other main attribute of previous Gedolei Hador, which is “getting it”. As a result, we have a disconnect that spans not only across oceans but also across the street within one’s neighborhood. It is certainly possible to have Kavod Hatorah, while at the same time stipulating that thanks to the Askanim, many of the Torah giants should be seen in more limited roles.

Speaking of the math, following the passing of Rabbi Nosson Finkel zt"l, the Rosh Yeshiva of the Mir, there is a campaign underway to close the $10,000,000 debt (yes, 10 mil) the yeshiva has. As per Jewish Worker, who once again pulls from Mishapcha (English version), for 5 straight months, Rebbes have not been paid, nor have kollel avreichim. Even if the money is raised to pay off this debt, what of the future operating costs? And, unless one believes the tzedakah pocket is unlimited, what of the other institutions for which might ordinarily be recipients of tzedakah? (Divrei Chaim makes this point) While I believe the free market will sort much of this out, I don't think like the idea of collapse, and with this type of debt is seems that something will come crashing down. I think we'd all prefer to see a more natural consolidation. But the numbers just look bleak.

Rafi at Life in Israel is reporting on desperation from selling baby naming rights to the highest bidder to ongoing, long term theft where the culprit was finally caught: an avreich stealing baby formula because he doesn't have what to feed his 5 children. Chazal's words are being brought to life and it is just painful.

Many turn to a popular Rabbi for advice on life issues (I know a number of followers in my own back yard and I believe the following to be quite large). In a column regarding overwhelming wedding expenses, the advice given is "just pray" and leave the 300,000 shekel debt to Hashem.

Avremel, you don’t make weddings, Hashem does!”

“Reb Lazer, that’s either Baal Teshuva talk or Breslever talk. We don’t think like that. We have to raise the money ourselves!”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Here’s a man of 48, born into a Chassidic family; he learned in cheder, in lower yeshiva, in upper yeshiva, and then for another seven years in rabbinical kollel before he had to go to work to pay his bills. It was pitiful to see such a person with beard, long sidecurls, a long coat and Chassidic knickers with black socks living a life completely without Hashem and devoid of emuna.

Avremel had tears in his eyes and his upper lip was quivering. “Where in the world am I going to get 300,000 shekels in 7 months? It’s impossible!”

“Li hakesef ve’li hazahav, ne’um Hashem!” I quoted the Prophet who tells us that Hashem has all the gold and silver. If we need money, we go to Him. “Why not try talking to Hashem?”

Where is the yashrut? How destructive is this type of behavior in families and when entering into shidduchim? Yet here is a platform to speak about yashrut, about hishtadult, about being reasonable, and the answer is prayer, and only prayer?

(As one of my valued commentators points out, I am being a bit unfair in my remarks regarding hishtadult. So, I want to clarify the thought. The father is absolutely doing his hishtadult vis a vis effort and work. He is anything lazy holding down more jobs than I ever care to hold down. The effort that I was referring to was not in terms of working more, but in terms of extracting himself from a lifestyle that can simply no longer be maintained and further promises that should not and cannot be made. The point has been reached where this father simply cannot obligate him to pay another bill. The point has been reached where the father must extradite himself from the current situation of supporting growing families. Working yourself to death will eventually leave all those who depend on him in an untenable situation. Hashem does make weddings, but to imply that Hashem will drop 300,000 shekel from the sky--that is approximately $79,000 as per my foreign currency calculator--is not leadership, nor is it a proper way to conduct one's dealings ever! One article I see tells me that average Israeli salary is approximately 95,000 shekel per year. The father is already working more than one job. How is this advice?)

Because I'm out of time, I will deal with another disconnect issue soon.

NASI: Is Someone Reading This Blog? and Continued Commentary

While I am not supportive of NASI's newest project for a myriad of reasons, including one which I will discuss below, I have to say I was a bit surprised to see the recent announcement at 5TJT's regarding internal controls and other things. It will be impossible to convince me that NASI will create an "airtight" financial system. There simply is no such thing. But I guess the sales pitch is similar to selling a girl on the market: they are all aaaaamazing! That said, requiring two signatures, only one of which will be a Rosh Yeshiva's signature, is a step in the right direction. I also see NASI has announced that no money from the new program will be used for the debt of the old program. It is almost like someone is reading this blog.

Let's cut to come other commentary in no particular order:

NASI continues to say that if it doesn't work, we are back where we started. This type of thinking is a fallacy. Taking $5,000 - $13,000 out of the bank accounts of families and young women from coast-to-coast surely comes with an opportunity cost, does it not? The time invested alone into the project means other ideas can't be pursued.

NASI is building this program on their belief that the "age gap" needs closed in order for Orthodox Jewish females to marry. They have a tremendous investment in this theory and their (throw-money-at-it) is tied to this singular issue. As I read the newest press release, I can't help but be concerned that they will declare the program a success, which leads to an tremendous communal opportunity cost.

In fact, NASI is already talking about involving communal funds should the program prove to be a success to create "parity between the haves and the have-nots." Creating parity, mind you, isn't a Tu B'Av initiative of wealthier single ladies lending their clothing to poorer single ladies to even the playing field. It involves MONEY. . . . . communal money. . . money that could be used to help fund K-12 yeshiva education. . . .money that could be used to help sick people. . . money that could be used for job programs/education. NASI asks, "Can there be a bigger communal chesed than having identified the price/cost that it takes to get a girl married? And remember, these communal funds will only get used once the girl(s) walks down the aisle."

Making marriage even more expensive and taking even more money out of the tzedakah pot is hardly a "chessed" in my book.

Over at YWN Coffee Room, someone sold on the NASI programwrites:

To everyone what is every bodys problem with NASI .If they set it up right and the money is protected ,show me 1 girl that gets engaged thru them that wont be happy.Trust me i am a shadchan when amotherof a 29 year old girl calls me ,i feel terrible because parents are burned out ,they heard almost every name ever created and the parents dont know at this point what their daughter is looking for.The same problem is with the boys.So please respect this org. and give them a chance to prove themselves to us that they mean buisness and chesed for older girls and telling us shadchanim to work on the older girls and not look for the easy way out.

This is sure to come out the wrong way (and, by no means to I believe that every 29 year old without a spouse has a "problem" at all), but the above is precisely why I think the throw-money-at-shadchanim solution is so faulty. The shadchan above mentions that there are older singles who have heard every name in the book. Some of these singles have even been out on dates with over 100 singles, none which have meant their fancy. Like I mentioned above, for each decision made, there is an opportunity cost. NASI is promoting a throw-money-at-shadchanim solution. But, if singles --or their Mommy/Daddy--have some (dare I say it?) underlying issues (from physical to emotional to employment issues), what good will that money do? There might just be better ways to spend/invest the money and end up under the same chuppah.

It is the Way of Men to Pursue Women!

Rabbi Pruzansky of the Rabbi Pruzansky blog has written a column has simply blown me out of my seat: Dating Self-Help. While I do see many merits of 'shidduchim', I have long felt that the manifestations of such has simply emasculated the male population. And, I don't think it's done much for the fairer half either. The rejection of the natural, i.e. men pursuing women in hopes of marriage and building a family, along with any other practices designed to save children and adults from rejection, potential embarrassment, feelings of being different, what have you, have left us weakened when it comes to simply dealing with life and everything life hands to us.

The article is a must read, so head on over to the Rabbi's blog. Following are a few key quotes. I like that the Rabbi doesn't beat around bush and I like that in the concluding paragraph he connects the idea of molding more assertive men to more confident women. Such a cultural change would make forums like this obsolete!

The Gemara (Kiddushin 2b) cites the pasuk “When a man takes a woman [in marriage]” and explains “darko shel ish l’chazer al ha-isha,” it is the way of men to pursue women [in marriage]. It is not the way of men, or shouldn’t be, to enlist a band of agents, intermediaries, and attorneys to do the work for them. By infantilizing and emasculating our males, we have complicated a process that should be simpler and made a joyous time into one of relentless anguish and hardship for many women.

In the realm of dating and marriage, we are breeding Ohn [Korach's original co-conspirator whom was saved by his wife] by the thousands by freeing men from their obligation to pursue their potential spouses, and thereby relegating women to the dependent role of passively waiting to be the chosen one. Why do we do that, and is there a better option ?

Some will argue that the shidduch system spares our children the pain of rejection – but part of life, and a huge part of parenting, is preparing our children for a world in which they will experience rejection at some point. That is called maturity.

Something is not normal, and against human nature as Chazal perceived it, for men to be so diffident, so timid, so Ohn-like, and sit back comfortably relying on others to procure them dates. Young men who would not allow others to choose for them a lulav and etrog do not hesitate to delegate others to find them a spouse.

As well-meaning as the system intends, it must be demeaning and deflating – worse than even the rejection that happens after casual encounters.

As a community we have other options than the false choice of isolationism or promiscuity, and we need to strengthen our young men with the inner confidence to guide their own lives. There are too many people walking around with Y chromosomes who are not men

May Hashem bless with success the work of all shadchanim. But we need to shift the culture away from the passive indifference of the well-connected to the active pursuit of spouses by all, and thereby mold more assertive men and more confident women. That is because more is expected of us – as a nation that is called by G-d for greatness not mediocrity, to be active not passive, to be followers of G-d and leaders of mankind.

Readers, besides shidduchim, what other practices of modern day parenting and modern day chinuch do you see as emasculating men and creating wall flower women?

Yated: A Change of Heart?

I haven't picked up a Yated in what seems like ages. Matzav publishes their weekly editorial, however. And while I rarely read it, this one caught my eye. I must say that I'm completely perplexed by the recent editorial "Life is Not a Popularity Contest" in which the newspaper's editor, in a rather long-winded editorial, ponders the propriety ignoring the "unsavory" in our midst.

Below are some select quotes from the article and I can't help but wondering, what prompted this editorial? This from the publication that did not once mention [insert story].

What is going on here? I'm hopeful that there is something positive going on behind the scenes and that honor and integrity will take a front seat.

The portrayals are far from flattering and thrust us into a dilemma. Do we ignore the unsavory stories or do we report on them? Do we publicly dissociate ourselves from individuals who have brazenly betrayed Torah ideals but continue to claim to represent our community?

How do we deal with the problem of people in our community who engage in dishonorable conduct? By ignoring it and by remaining silent, we are communicating a message that we tolerate and even condone the conduct. Is that the message we want to send?

We need to assess what we are doing wrong so that we can halt a pernicious trend and improve our people, their future, and the way we are being perceived by the world around us.

We also need to distance ourselves, publicly and privately, from people whom we know to be engaging in improper conduct and giving us all a black eye. There are prominent people who speak in the name of our community, whom we are quick to criticize and disown when speaking among close friends, but whom, for some reason, we never condemn publicly.

The media and bloggers have a field day painting these miscreants as representative of all religious Jews and rabbis. While many of them are motivated by pure hatred, how can we condemn them, as long as we continue to convey the impression through our silence that we are all of one stripe? If we do not disavow them, how can we expect the media and people removed from our community to differentiate between us?

Perhaps we remain silent out of fear. The notion that these people are arrogant and vindictive and will come after us is intimidating. Also, no one wants to be seen as a troublemaker. It can ruin our children’s prospects for shidduchim if we engage in activities which would allow unscrupulous people to paint us as baalei machlokes. People will say that we are negative, cynical, obstinate and arrogant. So we sit off to the side and permit these frauds to parade as Orthodox Jews in good standing.

Prominent shady characters are given carte blanche to enact their agendas and the dishonest are permitted to continue their detrimental behavior and actions. We beat gingerly around the bush, dancing around the edges, afraid to proclaim the truth.

What are we afraid of? Why are we silent? How can we live with ourselves as we see yet another rabbi or religious Jew creating yet another chillul Hashem? It would be bad enough if we waited until the scandal hit the papers and only then took corrective steps, but we haven’t mustered the courage to do even that.

We are beset by so many problems in our community, but if we are prevented from honestly assessing and addressing them, we will not be able to solve them. As any edifice built on a shaky foundation cannot endure over time, an ideological house of cards built on illusions will not survive. Closing our eyes to the facts won’t change them and will not remove the rot at the core.

Dealing with superficial issues which are merely symptoms of the malady while failing to invest time and energy in remedying the underlying causes is as effective as slapping a band-aid over gaping wounds.

Over Analyzing and Dating

I am continually struck by the over-analyzing seen in the world of shidduchim and I think it works to the detriment of daters. This recent chat on YWN is yet another example of such. Perhaps the date lacked class. Perhaps the date was simply clueless. Perhaps he was inconsiderate or disrespectful. Perhaps he was "cheap". Perhaps his behavior was odd. Perhaps he was [fill in the blank]. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. There was only one date!

There is a very good chance that this man is "rough around the edges." But, I get the feeling that far too many daters spend too much time (over) analyzing the packaging of the date itself and all the odd behaviors displayed by the date that they don't actually get to the heart of the courting process, i.e. actually getting to know something more substantive about their date.

I find it a sad commentary that the inquiring poster mentioned all of the odd things her date did, but didn't say anything to say about who he is. The poster asks "is this cheap?" but fails to provide relevant information about what stage of life he is in. And it is a sadder commentary that chatters who seem to have the ability to be dan l'chaf zechut just about anything are willing to label a person with very powerful adjectives and labels after a description of a date that could simply have been ill-conceived. And perhaps the date was ill-conceived because he was trying to provide the "required" lounge date, but couldn't provide it in style. And, in a world where many consider it unseemly to meet for a cup of coffee where they might "be seen", I can understand how ill-conceived dates come to be.

Words to the wise:

*there are decent, good spouses that are rough around the edges.
*being an impressive dater does not always a good spouse make.
*it takes effort to get to know someone and if you spend your time analyzing this or that, you might whatever opportunities do present themselves to get to know one another.

This Goes to the Heart of Things Marriage and Family

Marty Bluke at the Jewish Worker summarizes an article from the Hebrew Mishpacha. I have to wonder what sort of new social experiment, which goes beyond all things marriage and family, will result next should economic change not be accepted and approached with sechel:

This weeks Hebrew Mishpacha magazine had a very depressing article that because of the economic downturn and the rising apartment prices the shidduch market has slowed down dramatically in Israel. The reason is very simple fewer and fewer parents of girls can afford to buy an apartment for the couple. Many/most of the boys are still holding out for an apartment and there are very
few parents of girls who can afford it.

The article says that the dormitories in the Yeshivas are full because the older boys who should be getting married aren't. One Rosh Yeshiva said that usually around 30 boys a year get married, this year only 10 got married. The head of a post high school seminary said that in the past half the girls were engaged or married by the end of the year, last year it was only 10%. The reason is very simple, the boys are holding out for an apartment and the girl's parents simply can't afford it.

The bottom line is that the average Charedi family size has gone up to over 6 kids per family and the income sources have gone down. In previous generations people had war/holocaust reparations from Germany, people actually worked, the cost of living in Israel was much lower, people had money from grandparents, and people lived much simpler life styles. All of these things have gone away. We now have the second or third generation of kollel only parents marrying off their daughters and the money is simply not there. There is simply no way that people can afford to pay $150,000+ to marry off their daughter.

The big question is what is going to happen? IMHO this is a much bigger issue then concerts, internet, etc. This goes to the heart of things marriage and family. It is disappointing that more hasn't been done by the Charedi leadership on this issue.

Interesting read about what a glut of Arab single men, unable to marry because they lack funds to marry "properly", is doing to Egyptian society. Two concepts: destabilization and growth of extremism. Many would predict that amongst the Orthodox, the opposite would set in.

Unable to Hold a Job

Hat Tip: Thank you rosie for sending this over. Rosie noted that the commentor advice in the piece I am about to link to, for the most part, leaned towards the practical. Such is a note that I don't want to ignore, although I am going to take this in a completely different direction that I'm sure is expected.

There is a letter from a wife on the COLLive.com website regarding her husband, and so many like her husband, that are unemployed, perpetually. The letter is a sad read on so many levels. Particularly sad is the wife's desire to medicate the anxiety that she feels after so many years. The anxiety is naturally increased by the family living above their means, even if they lack the many things mentioned in the article from pricier food to cleaning help (prime example of living above their means: tuition and upcoming weddings mentioned). Probably what is most depressing about the letter is that we all know (good) people who have a terrible job history.

In fact, I spoke to one gentlemen during my dating years who showed the same symptoms, but I ran the other way when I asked about his job history (flame away if you may!). In his 10 years of employment, he had never stayed at a single job for more than a year plus a month or two max! I could see that there was an underlying disease, manifested by the symptom of continually quitting jobs before others in the office would even know he existed. Since he was still single going on 30, the issue was a red flag for me. But at 21, 22, or even 23 years of age, I'm not quit certain how such an issue could be easily noted. The letter writer does not see the disease clearly, but I have highlighted her closest guess, amongst many, as to what the issue is in the excerpt below:

By the time the year [of kollel] was over, we had our beautiful first born. And so with the expenses of a child already and childcare (because I was working), he took whatever dumb job came his way. A job where he did not really learn any skills, did not really make any contacts – the job just paid the bills, and we couldn’t spend on anything beyond the basics. And then he quit that one, got another dumb job, again without skills and contacts. And so our life progressed through the years. B"H more children, other dumb jobs, never being able to spend on anything extra. He never went to school or took courses because he was always so overworked from his job and helping at home with the kids.

[skipping further down] He’s a good man. He is willing to work. But he doesn’t seem to be able to get decent paying jobs. He doesn’t really seem to have the know-how (or the resources) to start a business on his own. I don’t know if it is that he doesn’t present well at job interviews. Or he doesn’t have skills that the decent paying jobs require. Or he doesn’t have the initiative or ambition to really pull off a decent salary. Or he doesn’t look in the right places. Or he doesn’t network with the right people. Bottom line is he doesn’t bring in enough money for even our simple lifestyle. And so now recently, he lost his job again. And we are trying to live from my check and his unemployment check. And with this economy, and his lack of marketable skills, our high expenses, and at this point, his low confidence in himself, he isn’t finding
anything.

While many of the commentators mention the need for education and marketable skills (two important components of developing a career), I don't believe that the main issue for those who suffer from perpetual unemployment (mostly caused by QUITTING one job after another, no matter how "dumb" the job is) lies in the lack of education, networking, or marketable skills. I know janitors who have been with the same employer for decades, and I know PhDs who have left their jobs and flounder about aimlessly.

What I see is an underlying dissatisfaction with life in general, perhaps caused by depression. Sometimes I see a streak of entitlement. I see a hint of this above in calling the jobs "dumb". What could possibly be dumb about working and providing a service for an employer and others? The largest issue I see is the inability to cope: The inability to cope with one's own emotions, the inability to cope with other people, and the inability to cope with frustration, disappointment, and adversity.

Where a person has a clear history of quitting one job after another, I'm fairly certain that the solution is NOT education (either vocational or graduate), starting one's own business (doing what I'm not sure), or networking/job assistance (let's not forget that taking on a new employee is an investment that a business makes and that no investor wants a negative ROI). In fact, college itself can be used as a means of avoiding problems. Suggesting education for a person with such a job history may very possibly fall under the category of a "throw money at it solution".

Beyond any possible medical intervention that might be recommended (I'm no doctor, so I won't discuss such), I believe the first step for a person with a such a job history is to find and hold a job for an extended period of time, ideally within the 3-5 years period. It would be nice to find a job where the husband can develop some skills, but skilled or unskilled, I think the real flaw here is that a resume that shows job after job screams, I am unable to adapt to the workplace!

Employers do not "give" away jobs (and the sooner the frum world realizes this, the better off we will be). Employers "invest" in employees. The key to being able to get that next job after a less than stellar job history (whether you have no skills or a hold a PhD in Aeronautics) is to demonstrate commitment, the ability to function in the workplace, and some initiative and ambition. I believe that the solution to changing this problem is to get one's foot in the door and stick it out through thick and thin in an attempt to make the resume tell a better, or at least neutral, story.

Destructive to Wealth: Confused as to Your Money Starts and Ends

A "very wealthy" Chassidish man writes to Dr. Yael Respler of the Jewish Press seeking her advice on a dilemma which is apparently quite common, was previously unknown to me (Dr. Respler sees this issue in her own practice amongst Chassidic clientele). I have no idea what standard is being used to measure "very wealthy" (income? savings? property? a healthy combination of all of the above?), but this man and his wealthy friends find themselves paying for their siblings' weddings, from the wedding itself to the accompanying jewelry/shtreimels and setup of the home, as well as providing "bailouts" and what have you.

In the name of kibud av v'em, this man and his wife and others are at a loss as to what to do except to publicize the isue. They recognize the situation is "outrageous" but feel powerless.

Dr. Respler labels the behavior as "narcissistic" and isn't exactly sure what causes such behavior, the heter being that others find it acceptable.

I'd like to come from a different angle inspired by both Pirkei Avot ("What is yours is mine, and what is mine is mine" is [the characteristic of a] rasha) and an interesting discussion in The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy and other financial books I have read. Interestingly enough, those who do better financially and build wealth do not co-mingle their own means with the means of others, namely family. They do not place their own parents (or in in this case, child's) wealth as an asset on their mental balance sheet. They know where their means start and end and don't allow the means of others to play into their own calculations regarding lifestyle and spending. Doing such is a destructive to wealth, to say nothing of the midda demonstrated. I think the situation of the letter writer is indicative this idea.

Dr. Respler suggests potentially bringing in a Rav who can explain what responsibilities belong with whom. I don't know what polite solution exists in circles where funds are co-mingled on mental balance sheets and bills can simply be sent to a child, parent, or grandparent, and uttering a word might be considered an affront. Nor can anyone say what position a Rav would take given that "some of the expenses that you mentioned are actually expected in a shidduch, and it is a big mitzvah for you to help your parents cover the cost of making a wedding for your siblings (hachnassas kallah). " My own option is that providing such funds only continues to enable the parents, who are caught between their own bad habits and the bad habits ingrained in the mores of the kehilla.

I do know that all individuals/couples/family units are well served by establishing boundaries, financial and otherwise, with family. Hopefully writing a letter to the Jewish Press will solve the issue for this chassidish couple, but chances are the only solution that can even begin to resolve such a situation (the immediate result could include some unpleasant fallout) will include a face-to-face sit down where firm boundaries and limits are established.

Rosh Hashanah, Income, and Hishtadlut

I saved this post for Erev Rosh Hashanah since I wanted something relevant to the holiday, as well as an opportunity to wish my readers a Shana Tovah. I'm not a fan of virtual apologies, but please do be forgiving for any lapses in judgement regarding any posts or comments that I probably should have erased from the get go. While I do have guest posts lined up on hotter topics, I plan to continue to quote more excerpts as the one below.

There is a gemorrah that on Rosh Hashana our income for the year is set by Hashem. Being no expert on the subject, I've always thought of this source akin to the gemorrah that Hashem calls out that so-and-so will marry so-and-so. Through the courting process, we have no idea if the person of our choosing is really our "soulmate," but once we marry, we should regard the shidduch as bashert and proceed as such.

I've seen many others take this Gemorrah to what I would consider illogical extremes. Instead of taking the view that their parnassah is bashert in terms of acceptance of their current situation and working with the situation "for richer or poorer" to borrow from a different religious faith, they choose to believe their efforts in budgeting are rather pointless as Hashem will figure a way to give/take the money. I could point to numerous examples of such thinking on chatboards, in published articles, or in blog comments, to say nothing of face to face conversations with people who have relinquished prudence in the name of "bitachon."

I was gifted a translation of the Ben Ish Hai's (translated from Arabic) writings for women and they are filled with advice that will always be fresh and relevant, even though they are as old as the world post-Gan Eden. I've bookmarked a number of experts on money, budgeting, work ethic, and tzedakah that my readers will hopefully find interesting . Please do remember the context and time frame that these were written in and refrain from taking the discussion only in that direction. In short, thrift and prudence are certainly a part of the mesorah even if it is tempting to dismiss such efforts as futile because Hashem is ultimately in charge. I welcome readers to bring forward their own sources on how we should be dealing with the money Hashem has (and will) gift us. I don't have the breadth of knowledge of some of my generous readers and commentators, but I think we'd be hard-pressed to find financial advice from our sages that essentially label our efforts in thrift as futile.

The Household Budget (Ben Ish Hai)

If a man senses an increase in his household expenses, it is natural that he ask his wife for a detailed account of her expenditures. He will ask her how much money she spends on clothes, food, drink, and other expenses. He may inquire why their food supply is diminishing faster than usual, why new utensils were needed, and other such questions. It is a women's obligation to answer all his queries without showing the slightest irritation, since after all, he is the legal owner of all their possessions. She should not feel angry at him, since it is perfectly natural for a man who works hard in order to provide money for his family to know how it is being spent. As a matter of fact, a man who does not look after his possessions is akin to a beast, not a man.

If he feels that his financial situation is steadily deterioration, it is well within his rights to cut back expenses. On the contrary, it is his obligation to do so, since one who spends more than he earns will eventually eat from other people's pockets.

Thus, a woman should not become angry at her husband for reducing the household budget, but on the contrary, she should assist him in his calculations. She should also not become offended at things he says during times of financial stress, since it is a well-known phenomenon that people say things they do not mean when they are feeling upset. When Hashem will bring him prosperity, his manner will once again become friendly and affectionate, and he will give generously to his household as before.

How Debt Can Destroy a Budding Relationship

Hat Tip: A reader who is free to self-identify. That you to all the great readers who continue to send relevant articles and links to me on an almost daily basis. My apologies for being unable to blog at such a speed.

See this article in the NYT that begins with a story of an engaged young lady whose fiancee broke off their engagement three days after he discovered exactly what her debt (in this case student loan debt) actually was. Neither he or she was aware of the bottom line and the grand total was simply something he could not handle.

Bringing in large amounts of debt is "tricky" as the article states and I've heard stories within the Orthodox community regarding handling student loan debt that make me believe this issue is just as relevant to us as to the rest of American society. Who is responsible for that debt within a relationship? Who is legally responsible (in the case of divorce)? How will the debt affect the marriage, and what happens when things like kids come along?

Perhaps the most tricky question is the following: at what point during the courtship, should debts be disclosed? The first indebted young lady in the article has concluded that she should have disclosed her debt between the 8th and 10th date. I'm not quite sure what that translates to in shidduch-land. But I'd like to hear from my readers. Of course, the best course of action for singles is to avoid/minimize debt.

Guest Post: The Age Gap Theory

Ask and a guest poster shall deliver. Thank you again to another guest poster who delivered when readers asked for a dissection of the Age Gap Theory in Shidduchim. The post follows:



The “Age-Gap” Theory and the Shidduch Crisis:

There are a variety of approaches to defining precisely what the shidduch crisis is, and there are those who will claim that there is no crisis. For our purposes, however, I’m going to presume the following definition:

The “shidduch crisis” (SC for short) is the perception within what I will call the “east-coast-right-wing-and-right-center-yeshivish world”, that more young people than ever - especially girls - are having an increasingly difficult time finding a shidduch and that, consequently, there are more older singles - especially girls - lingering “on the market” than ever before.

Over the last few years a number of clever members of the affected community claimed to have identified the root cause of the problem. The problem, they say, is the “age-gap”.


The age gap theory (AGT) goes like this:

1) There is a tendency for boys to start dating at a slightly older age than girls and that consequently they tend to date (and marry) girls that are 2-4years younger than themselves.

2) The frum community’s birth rates have been consistently growing over the years.

3) If a community is consistently growing, then each year it will produce a slightly larger number of young people newly entering shidduch age.


So for example if in 2007 it produced 1000 new 19 year old boys and girls, then in 2010 it might produce, say, 1050 new 19 year old boys and girls Now here comes the clever part: If boys start dating at age 22 and girls at age 19, then in our example above, in 2010 the 1000 boys who turned 19 in 2007, and are now 22, will start dating the 1050 girls who turned 19 in 2010 and are starting to date. (Their 1050 counterpart boys won’t start dating for another 3 years.)

See the problem? 1000 boys, 1050 girls. Thus the AGT claims that the arbitrary tendency for boys to date younger girls dooms a certain number of “excess” girls to simply not have enough boys to date and marry. The problem, according to the theory, is relentless because the trend continues unabated each year with the “girl excess” continuing to grow and is exacerbated by the fact that social norms are such that boys can continue (within limits) to date younger girls each year while the girls are limited to continue to look for boys their own age or older.

And while the proponents of the AGT don’t claim to have any magic solutions, they do claim that at least in theory, if the relative dating ages of boys and girls were leveled, we would see some mitigation of the problem. Indeed, it seems reasonable to assume that if were somehow able to unleash all the boys between the ages of 19 and 21 into the shidduch market that there would have to be some leveling effect for the girls.

Simple, elegant, and…undoubtedly true.

However, in evaluating the adequacy of a proposed explanation for the SC crisis, we need to ask several questions:

1) How exactly does the crisis manifest itself?
2) When did the perception of a crisis first emerge?
3) Does the proposed explanation adequately explain the answers to the above questions?

Let’s look at the first question: I think if you talk to women above the age of 45, i.e. those who did their dating primarily before the mid-80’s, you will find that most will report that when they entered the parsha, shidduchim were mentioned to them fairly regularly and that they dated with a reasonable amount of frequency. While, of course, some remained single at older ages, this was not perceived as a crisis, so much as an inevitable and painful reality that was always present.

Today however, if you talk to young girls entering the parsha (and their parents) I think you will hear that it is not uncommon for a young girl without any obvious impairment to go months without a date. This is important. It is not just that some “left over” girls remain single past 30, or later. The SC manifests itself currently in that even 19, 20, and 21 years old girls – the youngest girls in the parsha - can experience extreme difficulty just getting a date.

As to the second question, we sort of touched on it already. The SC didn’t really get crisis-level attention until approximately 15 to 20 years ago.

Now let’s look at the AGT.

Point 1: Boys have been starting to date later and dating girls 2 - 4 years younger than themselves, as far back as anyone can remember. Not only that, but this tendency exists across all ethnic groups, if not to quite the same extent as within the frum community. (In fact a quick Google search will find you US Census Bureau data on showing that in 2007 the average age of men at first marriage was 27.7 while women were 26.0. And the gap used to be larger.) There is absolutely nothing new about this trend. If anything, with fewer frum boys going to college and waiting to obtain a degree and a job before dating, and with more girls spending a year in EY before even beginning to date, I suspect that the frum age gap is actually smaller on average than it was in decades past. (Just look around at your parents, and aunts and uncles and take a casual survey of their age gaps.) I don’t think we can explain this very recent and extreme phenomenon with a decades, if not centuries, old trend.

Point 2: OK so each year the pool is increased by say, a few percentage points more girls than boys. So what would I expect to happen? I would expect that when the 1000 new boys on the market go out on a date next motzoai shabbos, they will be accompanied by 1000 girls while extra 50 girls don’t have a date. What about the next motzoai shabbos? Or the one after that? I realize that I have simplified the equation, but even after all the adjustments, I would think, if the boys and girls are dating with a reasonable amount of flexibility and open-mindedness and make their way around the shidduch pool evenly, that most girls should have a reasonable number of dates even if the fact that they outnumber the boys means that they remain dateless a little more often than their male counterparts. So for example, if the average boy can have a date every week, then shouldn’t there at least be enough dating going on so that the average girl can have a date every other week? Every third week? Indeed, pre-1985, that is exactly what went on, The age-gap existed then too and it was recognized that boys had it a little easier, but by and large girls had their fair share of dates and so no one perceived a “crisis.”

But this is not what is happening today. Today, even the youngest girls on the market who have virtually no lower-age limitations holding them back,can often go weeks and months without so much as a single date or even a shidduch mentioned. This cannot possibly be explained by the relatively small amount of excess generated by the AGT. A few additional weeks as compared to their male counterparts yes, but four, six, or eight months waiting a date because their dating age cohort is 5 or even 10 percent larger than the boys? That is insulting to the intelligence.

I do believe that the AGT is, in fact, a real phenomenon that is contributing to the problem. But it is downright naive to believe that the stark change in reality experienced by today’s 19 and 20 year old girls as compared with the experience of their own mothers just 20 or 30 years ago can be explained solely by the subtle build up of a demographic trend that has been going on for many decades. I recently attended a workshop on shidduchim where a very-well-respected and widely-known public figure enthusiastically touted the significance of the AGT and how combating it (by making shidduchim of boys and girls closer in age) would solve our the SC. While I did not have the chance to question him personally, I did have a moment to share my skepticism with a noted shadchan also in attendance. After expressing my belief that the significance of the AGT in the shidduch crisis is being exaggerated, she quickly agreed and added “you’re right, but the AGT is politically correct.”

If we want to honestly evaluate the causes for the 10 – 15 year old shidduch crisis, we need to candidly ask what aspects of the shidduch scene are unique to the last 10 – 15 years. There are other factors at work here, that are behavioral rather than demographic, but that is a topic for a different post.

Anyone Want to Guess the Fallout of Such a Proposal

I really wish that economics was a course required of all Yeshiva students so I wouldn't feel compelled to play armchair economist. What would the fallout of such a proposal be? I have my guesses (premature engagements, singles shut out of the dating process because it is already unaffordable, dinei Torah over small claims matters), but I want to hear yours. Let me just re-state my belief that social re-engineering and the "shidduch crises" can likely be correlated to a growing divorce rate. But, go ahead and try this. Similar ideas have been proposed before and the "throw money at it solution" always has it's true believers.

The more I torture myself reading these shidduch crisis letter, the more I'm ready to throw all the complainers into a big vineyard and let them sort it out for themselves.

IF IT’S BROKEN, LET’S FIX IT
Dear Editor,
If there is one thing that is obvious from the recent letters in the Yated regarding shadchanim and the shidduch process, it is that the present system is so clearly broken. Overwhelmed shadchanim, frustrated singles and parents, letters to the Yated… Where does it all end?

The following is a proposal that will go a long way towards fixing the problem.

As long as shadchanim get compensated only when they complete a shidduch, we can rest assured that there will continue to be a significant shortage of active shadchanim, thus ensuring the continuance of the vicious cycle. We, as a community, need to realize that redding a shidduch is a service no different than tutoring or any other job, and thus needs to be similarly compensated for.

A realistic proposal is that if a boy and girl meet three times, the shadchan, professional or not, at that point, should be paid $150 by each side. Three times clearly indicates a worthwhile suggestion with all the work involved and compensation is in order. As the shidduch continues, each side should pay $50 for each additional date. This payment should not be viewed as hakoras hatov, but rather as fair compensation for the valuable service the shadchan is providing. When we pay someone to learn with our children, we don’t consider his fee to be a token of hakoras hatov. Similarly, we shouldn’t view paying a shadchan any differently.
Implementing such a change would result in far more people redding shidduchim. Many potential shadchanim are paralyzed by the thought that unless a couple gets engaged, it is all a waste of time. In addition, people would be far more willing to redd shiddcuim to slightly older girls. The saying, “Young and dumb,” is somewhat true and is a primary reason that many shadchanim choose to focus on the younger girls.

If shadchanim were rewarded for their efforts, and not just for the finished deal, many more would try much harder for the slightly older girls. That would inevitably result in far more shidduchim for those girls.
N. P.

Shidduch Vision: A Solution or More Social Engineering?

News Flash/Full Disclosure: I'm a student of free market economics who don't care for social engineering, but my readership already knows that. So on with the likely predictable post.

Shidduch Vision is a new teledating program that is being touted as new and innovative. As per the website FAQ, shidduch vision is supposed to help singles avoid unnecessary travel, loss of time, emotional savings, as well as be "extremely economical" (at only $18 for a 50 minute appointment, 2 date minimum so the math works out to $36).

Perhaps I am just missing something, but I simply don't understand why a young man can't simply pick up a telephone, chat, develop a connection, and if a connection develops plan an in person date? If the goal is to help people save money, the phone would be the way to go. Long distance is nothing like what it used to be. But economics aren't the only factor at play here. . . . .

When I was dating, the "rule" on the street was that when a young lady receives a call to confirm/schedule a date, that the call should be short and sweet as talking on the phone was deemed "awkward." Personally, I found the phone quite comfortable and thought the phone was a nice way to break the ice before meeting face-to-face. I'd like to hear from readers in the dating population about your comfort level with meeting in a 50 minute teledating session. Personally, this strikes me as very awkward.

Let's get back to the claims because I think this is part of where the "shidduch system", defined loosely, is failing its participants. Let's look specifically about the claim "emotional savings." While dating is a serious venture, I don't think it is fair to singles to desensitize dating, nor do I think it is right to suck every last vestige of fun out of meeting your potential partner (if there is any fun left in the process, either in the outside world or in the frum world). Certainly the barrage of rules (and Shidduch Vision comes with quite a few rules and threats of its own also) has done quite a bit to drain any enjoyment out of meeting and dating. Not too long ago, we ended up at a table with girls who appeared to be right around seminary ago. They were reviewing the rules of dating as reported to them by their NY friends and talking about how much they dreaded jumping into shidduchim. I just felt sad for them. They hadn't even been on a date yet and already they weren't having fun.

In regards to taking out the emotions, I raise my hand in opposition. I do believe that dating is a process of discovery and learning, and when we look to help singles "save emotions," we strip them of an important aspect on the road to finding a spouse. As parents know, hurt and disappointment in reasonable amounts fuel growth and drive. Somehow, dashed hopes seem to go with dating as peanut butter goes with jelly. Perhaps the myriad of rules to help singles cushion the blow of being let down is hindering the process, rather than helping?

I think Ariella sums up some of my thoughts on social engineering over at at WolfishMusings writing: "the more innovations I see in the shidduch system (the resume, the proposal to reward shidduchim with older girls, etc.) the more I think we have to gain by returning to the simple, direct approach used in the days when the girls lent each other dresses and went out into the vineyard to meet someone to be their husbands."

One last point I want to touch on before summing this up: as per the FAQ on Simcha Vision, there is a great deal of emphasis on tznius and privacy. However, I have to wonder if a system of teledating really will promote this ideal. If tnzius is the means to help our daughters maintain their dignity and be seen as more than sexual objects, I think we would do best not to reduce the frame of the discussion of young men meeting more geographically distant girls in the terms of wasting time, money, and emotion! I don't reject the claim that teledating will perhaps increase the likelihood of certain meetings leading to marriage, but then again, I think that a few telephone calls and an exchange of pictures can increase in-person meetings too without the need to another program to be sponsored and more establishment of rules that further isolates singles from being part of a pro-active process.

Shidduch Hysteria

I have already posted some thoughts on the very popular age gap theory [Age Gap or Faulty Math?]. I'm still not sold despite commentors trying to explain its validity and even a friend walking me through the theory. At the Agudah convention, there was a showing of an official Age Gap video which can be seen on Matzav.com.

I don't intend to revisit the "math," but let's just say that when a major social change is being proposed, it would be worthwhile to present more information than a study showing that 14% of Bais Yaakov graduates ages 25-29 from 20 well-known schools remain single. What, are the men chopped liver? I'd like to know where all of the men have gone. I guess they all married younger women. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Now, back to the subject at hand. The goal of the video is to show that if the "age gap" is removed that everyone will live happily ever after. But I personally think the video does nothing more than create hysteria. And that is the last thing that the Orthodox dating population needs.

No matter what background you come from, religious or non-religious, Jewish or non-Jewish, younger or older, if you are a marriage-minded individual, especially a female marriage-minded individual, you probably have experienced your own, often self-induced, feelings of hysteria regarding dating and marriage.

For yours truly, these self-inflicted feelings of inadequacy, worry, and general lack of emunah started midway through high school! By the time I had planted my feet in the world of shidduchim, I can say that I was quite a wreck, convinced I would never marry. At that time (and it wasn't that long ago), I don't recall hearing about vast numbers of women who would be left out in the cold to live out there days as a maiden. But, I was very aware of all of the numerous things that would render a single second-class or even third-class. And, of course, there were the "dating rules" that you were expected to follow, many of which rendered a young lady petrified on a 3rd date when you were supposed to reveal your soul, or at least give a public accounting of any skeletons in your closet that might render you flawed. Because, as everyone knows, if you make it beyond 3 dates, you are "serious" and well-meaning people now have the permission to ask "nu?"

Whatever worries I had of never meeting that someone when I was 21 and unattached when heading out into the real world were compounded exponentially in the brutally honest shidduch world. Thankfully, a serious of really terrible dating experiences which made me feel like throwing in the towel completely, lead me to relax and simply not care so much about getting married. Not long after that, I did meet that someone.

While I certainly believe there are far too many singles that need to be brought down to earth, trim down their laundry list of requirements, take more action in terms of shidduchim and pound the pavement, I really think that we also need to be helping singles out by giving them an ego boost. So much of a single's life and spirit can be sucked out of them as they worry endlessly about what might be and I think that can translate into bad mazal. We are believers in a personal G-d and we believe that Hashem continues to work as a shadchan day in and day out. I'm sure that most married folks have a great story of how Hashem moved the chess pieces to make their shidduch happen. It would be nice if singles were given the message that Hashem has a match for them even if their yichus is flawed, even if they have a few extra pounds, even if their hair is frizzy, and even if their parents aren't marching to the Goldberg's drummer.

Video presentations that place X marks through female figures with the message YOU WON'T GET MARRIED unless there is major social re engineering (social engineering that would have made my our own shadchanit think twice about setting us up since she is a rules follower), strikes me as cruel, and I'm not exactly the type to ignore issues. The video awakened some emotions I left behind at the chuppah. I can only imagine the arrow it sent through already torn hearts.

I do think some social rewinding is in order. I don't think we need any more hysteria! There is enough hysteria out there already and an entire army of teachers, mentors, Rabbis, friends, parents, and other singles feeding into the hysteria. Let's try to give our not-yet-married single friends (both male and female) some room to breathe and some positive encouragement. And let's also remember that a healthy marriage and a bayit ne'eman is the goal of all of this dating.