Authentically American: Minchat Todah Thanksgiving Service

For those that celebrate Thanksgiving and would like something a little bit different to bring to your table for discussion, please follow this link to the Service for Thanksgiving Day of the historic Congregation Shearith Israel and edited by David De Sola Pool (1945).

At Jewish Ideas daily, there is a small bit of history regarding the embrace of Thanksgiving by the Shearith Israel kehillah (and hazzan Gershom Mendes Seixas, an interesting figure in colonial and early American Jewish history) and some interesting history regarding the Plymouth Colonists and their practices.

Apologies that I'm blog delayed (as usual). We were enjoying an uninterrupted Thanksgiving Day. Hodu L'shem Ki Tov Ki L'Olam Hasdo. Happy Thanksgiving to my readers and a Shabbat Shalom.

A Must Share from Mishlei

I ran across what follows in Mishlei a while back and it hit me like a ton of bricks because it described people that I've interacted with over time that lacked integrity, even though they talked a good talk.

In light of the my recent postings, I thought it was worth posting and always relevant. Translation is from Feldheim's Malbim on Mishley. Commentary is from Rabbi Meir Leibush Malbim. Note that this selections comes from the perek which begins with the case of a man becoming a surety for his neighbor, yet giving a handshake to the stranger. The man has promised the same thing to two people and has to save himself. He is instructed those who promise what they don't have not to sleep. He must shed his external trapping to save his integrity and the fight is an uphill battle. He is then instructed to regard the way of the ant, the ant who works with great independence and diligence as he stores for the winter.

Mishlei captures the human condition and the words are just as powerful today as any. The picture Shlomo HaMelech paints is so very vivid.

Perek Vav (12-14)

"An irreligious person, a man of iniquity, walks with a perverse mouth; winking with his eyes, scraping with his feet, pointing with his fingers. Treacherous fickleness in his heart, he devises evil continually; he sows discord. Therefore his calamity shall come suddenly; all at once he will be broken, and without remedy."

Commentary:

An irreligious man who flaunts the commandments between man and his maker and is evil toward his fellowman can be recognized by seven characteristics, listed here:

1. His speech: he attacks wisdom, the principles of the moral law;

2. His actions: "Winking with his eyes" denotes that he disregards the command "you shall not turn astray after your eyes"

d. His movements: "Scraping with his feet" implies that he rushes to do evil;

4. His hands: "he points with his fingers"

5. His thoughts: "treacherous fickleness is in his heart" -- in matters of faith he is heretical

6. "He devises evil" in his relations with others.

7. "He sows discord" among others, acting as a source of social tension.

Stop the Circus: Why do you make yourselves conspicuous?

And Yaakov said to his sons: “Why do you make yourselves conspicuous?” (Parshat Miketz)

A few readers/posters alerted me to a People's Court story that had taken on a life of its own. There is a saying, seeing is worse than hearing. And, I can't think of anything more true at this point.

I really don't have much to say except how timely the episode aired, during Chanukah, promptly after the reading of Parshat Miketz. In this parsha, Yaakov says to his sons, "Why do you make yourselves conspicuous?" (Lama Titra-u?) Why do you display yourselves? Why do you invite (negative) attention (from Bnei Yishmael and Bnei Esav)? Why do you incite jealousy and ill feelings though shows of "wealth"? Where is your common sense as you gallivant (my best word for what the Sforno describes) about displaying your situation for what it isn't?

I can think of no worse place to make a spectacle of oneself (and one's people by extension) than on ***day time*** television*, during what is being called the Greatest Recession since the Great Depression over a "mid-range" $3000 hairpiece! In the words of Rabbi Eli Mansour, "Yaakob understood what far too few people today understand – that showing off material success, especially in periods of financial instability, invites hostility, not admiration. When a person flaunts his wealth, people around him become resentful – not his adoring admirers."

I don't believe that the public defense of the couple by Rabbi Yair Hoffman is at all helpful to the situation. Such only ensures the circus parade marches on, adding more speculation to the train wreck in process. I am very sorry, but neither he, nor I (. . . and I've actually been trained in conducting audits, gathering documentation, and 3rd party verification) have the capability of performing a proper investigation of the matter. Amateur investigations are not only ill advised, but sure to raise further questions and solidify the spectacle. JUST LET IT DIE and let's roll with the mussar of our Avot and of Chazal to always be beyond reproach and keep a low profile.

(And while I respect the actual mussar of the other Rabbi who commented on the People's Court Wigging Out Story, I think he went way overboard accusing the couple of intentionally going out to rob from the poor, i.e. the laundry mat owners. Jumping to conclusions in either scenario is unprofessional and inappropriate).
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*I don't recommend watching daytime television, nor do I watch daytime television. But, as a note of interest tv ads during daytime television generally fall into three categories: 1) ads for job training aimed at the unemployed/underemployed, 2) ads for ambulance chasing lawyers, and 3) ads for medication.

Ben Ish Hai on Keeping Busy

Seems to fit well with current postings and regular subjects. Published without any commentary. Add your own in the comments section.



Ben Ish Hai on Keeping Busy



It is imperative for every woman to perform some work on a daily basis with her own two hands. This applies to all women, no matter what their financial status. Even if a woman has numerous servants to fulfill her every whim, and sufficient money to pay for as much sewing, knitting, and weaving as she could possibly desire, she must make sure to spend some time during each day working with her own hands. The reason for this is that sitting idle has negative effects on women, while keeping busy makes one wiser and well appreciated by one's acquaintances. Listen to the words of Shlomo Hamelech, and you will understand the concept clearly:



[Entire text of Aishet Chayil. . . Shh seeks wool, and flax, and works willing with her hands. She also rises while it is yet night. . . She considers a field, and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She girds her loins with strength, and she makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is good; her candle does not go out by night. . . . ]



A certain wise man said: "It is good that a woman give tzedakah to the poor from her own earnings. It is also good that a husband provide her with her every need, and if this requires that she spend money, he should not protest. It is even better, however, if she spend her own earnings."



Dear, precious women, may the merciful Creator protect you! Accept my advice and acknowledge my intentions -- take up a trade, such as sewing or knitting. Work with your holy hands with whatever material are available to you. Sell your products through your husbands, and give the poor your earnings. If you will do as I say, the Creator of the world will support you, protect you, save you from all mishap, and fulfill your every desire.

Rosh Hashanah, Income, and Hishtadlut

I saved this post for Erev Rosh Hashanah since I wanted something relevant to the holiday, as well as an opportunity to wish my readers a Shana Tovah. I'm not a fan of virtual apologies, but please do be forgiving for any lapses in judgement regarding any posts or comments that I probably should have erased from the get go. While I do have guest posts lined up on hotter topics, I plan to continue to quote more excerpts as the one below.

There is a gemorrah that on Rosh Hashana our income for the year is set by Hashem. Being no expert on the subject, I've always thought of this source akin to the gemorrah that Hashem calls out that so-and-so will marry so-and-so. Through the courting process, we have no idea if the person of our choosing is really our "soulmate," but once we marry, we should regard the shidduch as bashert and proceed as such.

I've seen many others take this Gemorrah to what I would consider illogical extremes. Instead of taking the view that their parnassah is bashert in terms of acceptance of their current situation and working with the situation "for richer or poorer" to borrow from a different religious faith, they choose to believe their efforts in budgeting are rather pointless as Hashem will figure a way to give/take the money. I could point to numerous examples of such thinking on chatboards, in published articles, or in blog comments, to say nothing of face to face conversations with people who have relinquished prudence in the name of "bitachon."

I was gifted a translation of the Ben Ish Hai's (translated from Arabic) writings for women and they are filled with advice that will always be fresh and relevant, even though they are as old as the world post-Gan Eden. I've bookmarked a number of experts on money, budgeting, work ethic, and tzedakah that my readers will hopefully find interesting . Please do remember the context and time frame that these were written in and refrain from taking the discussion only in that direction. In short, thrift and prudence are certainly a part of the mesorah even if it is tempting to dismiss such efforts as futile because Hashem is ultimately in charge. I welcome readers to bring forward their own sources on how we should be dealing with the money Hashem has (and will) gift us. I don't have the breadth of knowledge of some of my generous readers and commentators, but I think we'd be hard-pressed to find financial advice from our sages that essentially label our efforts in thrift as futile.

The Household Budget (Ben Ish Hai)

If a man senses an increase in his household expenses, it is natural that he ask his wife for a detailed account of her expenditures. He will ask her how much money she spends on clothes, food, drink, and other expenses. He may inquire why their food supply is diminishing faster than usual, why new utensils were needed, and other such questions. It is a women's obligation to answer all his queries without showing the slightest irritation, since after all, he is the legal owner of all their possessions. She should not feel angry at him, since it is perfectly natural for a man who works hard in order to provide money for his family to know how it is being spent. As a matter of fact, a man who does not look after his possessions is akin to a beast, not a man.

If he feels that his financial situation is steadily deterioration, it is well within his rights to cut back expenses. On the contrary, it is his obligation to do so, since one who spends more than he earns will eventually eat from other people's pockets.

Thus, a woman should not become angry at her husband for reducing the household budget, but on the contrary, she should assist him in his calculations. She should also not become offended at things he says during times of financial stress, since it is a well-known phenomenon that people say things they do not mean when they are feeling upset. When Hashem will bring him prosperity, his manner will once again become friendly and affectionate, and he will give generously to his household as before.

I Raise You An Unexcused Absence

Talking a break from every one's most favorite subject matter just to comment on an issue of concern to the larger Jewish community.

I spotted this AP News story on VIN regarding the public schools in Providence, Rhode Island. For the first time in 30 years, Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur will not official school holidays and Jewish leaders are bent out of shape saying "were concerned that students who take those days off might be subjected to discrimination or would feel pressure to attend class rather than religious services."

Pardon me for a lack of sympathy. My father grew up in "Ir HaKodesh" and in those days, school was always in session during the High Holidays, which was certainly ridiculous considering each class averaged about 3-5 non-Jews including the teacher. Later my grandparents made "yeridah" and to a different locale and in such a place, there was little to no understanding for a student who would not sing Christmas songs or participate in the Christmas play, none of which he would touch with a 10 foot pole.

When I started in (public) school, religious absences were excused. But, unfortunately, some local churches abused this privilege and after one too many youth group ski trips, the District stopped excusing full-day religious absences which left me with some big, fat unexcused absences on my transcript. After I went to bat to try and get my unexcused absence excused, my parents did approach the school district to explain that their new policy, while certainly justified, did not consider the needs of the small Jewish population. They attempted to explain that holidays such as Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur were full-day, obligatory religious days, not ski trips or social events.

I have no idea if the policy was ever changed. I do know that I graduated with a handful of unexcused absences on my transcript. In the end, my family considered this to be the price of Jewish commitment and we happily paid the price and moved on proudly.

There is something very empowering about sacrifice for Torah observance, no matter what the level you are at. I have to wonder if the Jewish Leaders who are making a fuss are really helping the cause, especially by suggesting students might feel pressured to attend classes (!).

It is natural to feel torn. But when they decide not to attend, their sacrifice will carry far greater significance (and hopefully these same Jewish Leaders will take to their pulpits and what have you to encourage parents and students to place the High Holy Days at the top of the calendar). I can't think of anything more religiously empowering growing up making it clear that as a Jew I would not, under any circumstances, participate in any celebration of Christmas, e.g.,, even where teachers thought there might be some room for compromise or negotiation.

I rarely comment on issues outside the Orthodox world, but today religion has been nearly ousted from the public square and purged from the public schools. Along with a greater tolerance for diversity of religious practice, something which I think can be celebrated, comes fewer chances for Jewish children to stand up and be strong regarding their own beliefs and practices. I'd say that before the Jewish Leaders of Rhode Island make a scene, they consider the golden opportunity that the students have to be different by being Jewish, an integral part and privilege of being part of Am Yisrael.

Give these kids and their families to do the right thing and miss school to attend shul.

No white-washing, no condoning, no apologizing on behalf of the desecrators

With thanks for Professor Levine whose website contains information of much value. I have retyped the following Selected Writing of Rav Shimon Schwab as an important reference piece of an authentic Torah approach on how we, the orthodox public, should approach those who "[desecrate] all the fundamentals of Torah Judaism" in their dealings with their fellowman, Jew and Gentile. I really shouldn't have bothered with my own post from last night when this is far more powerful and poignant; speaking directly to the point, the words penned in the 1970's are as true then as now. My apologies for not having Hebrew a Hebrew typepad on my computer currently. If someone is kind enough type of the few pesukim in the essay in a cut and paste format, I'd like to add them. I've highlighted a few things in the essay below (twas hard to choose).

46* Chillul Hashem

Whenever we gather in prayer invariably we do recite or respond to the words of Kaddish: “May His Great Name be magnified and sanctified”. And whenever we introduce the daily Kedusho we call out: “Let us sanctify Your Name in the world”. And every so often during the course of our Tefilloh we emphasize our desire to belong to the sanctifiers of the Divine Name amongst men true to the injunction contained in Vayikro (22, 33) (“You shall not desecrate My Holy Name and I shall become sanctified in the midst of the children of Israel.”)

The second sentence of Sh’ma Yisroel begins with the command: “You shall love Hashem”, which is interpreted by our Sages: “Let the name of Hashem become beloved through you.” In other words, we are supposed to lead the kind of exemplary life which would contribute to the universal adoration of G-d and which would, in turn, enhance the glory and luster of the Torah, adding respect for the dignity of the Jewish people as a Kingdom of Priests and a Holy Nation.
The very opposite of the sanctification is the desecration of the Name as condemned by the Prophet with the scathing words (Yechezkel 36): “The came to the nations and desecrated my Holy Name, so that one said to them, is this the people of G-d who came from His land?”

Every form of Chillul Hashem lowers the awareness of the Divine Presence in the world. But if the desecrator happens to be a professed Torah observer or, even worse, a so-called scholar of the Torah, then the Chillul Hasehm not only weakens the respect for the Torah on one hand, but strengthens on the other hand the defiance of the non-observer and adds fuel to the scoffers, fanning the fires of religious insurrection of all around. Chillul Hashem is responsible, directly or indirectly, for the increase of frivolity, heresy and licentiousness in the world. Therefore, we should not be surprised reading the harsh words of condemnation we find in the Talmud: “He who has committed Chillul Hashem, even Teshuvoh, Yom Kippur, and suffering cannot fully atone for his sin until the day of his death (Yoma 86).”

“Better to commit a sin in secrecy than to commit Chillul Hashem in public (Kiddushin 40).

“The is no delay in the Divine punishment for Chillul Hashem, whether committed knowingly or unknowingly (ibid.)”.

“If one steals for a non-Jew, swears falsely and dies, his death is no atonement for his sin because fir gus sub because of Chillul Hashem” (Tosefta B. Kamma, 10).

“He who desecrates the name of Heaven in secrecy is punished in public” (Avoth 4).

“All sins are forgiven by G-d but Chillul Hashem He punishes immediately” (Sifri Haazinu).
This is but a small selection from the many fierce condemnations addressed by our Sages to the desecrators of the Divine Name.

All this comes to mind at this time since some perpetrators of Chillul Hashem are making the headlines of our daily newspapers. Certainly we are not sitting in judgment of the persons who are publically accused and we have to wait whether the indictments will be borne out by irrefutable evidence. However, be it as it may, the Chillul Hashem is there in the worst possible way. “Rabbi” so and so, who sits in court with his velvet Yarmulka in full view of a television audience composed of millions of viewers, is accused of having ruthlessly enriched himself at the expense of others, flaunting the laws of G-d and man, exploiting, conniving and manipulating – in short, desecrating all the fundamentals of Torah Judaism. And this sorry onslaught on our Jewish sensitiveness is repeated by similar allegations, proven or unproven, involving more prominent men who are stigmatized as orthodox Jews, sometimes even with so-called rabbinic diplomas.

While it is obvious that the vast majority of loyal and observant Torah Jews deal honestly and correctly with their fellow men, a very small minority of criminal perpetrators suffices to cast sinister aspirations on all orthodox Jews and, what is worse, on orthodox Judaism as a way of life. The Chillul Hashem of a few individuals provides excuses for the doubter, and encourages the desecration of Torah learning, Torah education and Torah influence. To defraud and exploit out fellowmen, Jew or gentile, to conspire, to betray the Government, to associate with underworld elements all there are hideous crimes by themselves. Yet to the outrage committed there is added another dimension, namely the profanation of the Divine Name and that means the profanation of all that is supposed to be held sacred by us as well as – in their heart of hearts –by the perpetrators themselves. What a sorry picture that is.
Suppose I have cheated my neighborhood or my Government and then I stand in the midst of a congregation of honest and decent men and women to recite the Kaddish which is the prayer for Kiddush Hashem in the world. What audacity! What a shame! Can there be a worse contradiction than the strict Sabbath observer who may also be a stickler for Kashrus and who at the same time violates the spirit of Shabbos and Kashrus during the week with non-kosher money manipulations?

Let us repeat. The profaners and the desecrators are only a handful of unscrupulous people and we even hope that some of them will be proved innocent. But it needs only very few violators to give us all a rotten name, aiding and abetting our many adversaries and antagonizing our few friends.

Therefore, no white-washing, no condoning, no apologizing on behalf of the desecrators. Let us make it clear that anyone who besmirches the sacred Name ceases to be our friend. He has unwittingly defected from our rants and has joined our antagonist, to make us all suffer in his wake. And – noblesse oblige – the more prominent a man has become in orthodox Jewish circles the more obligated he must feel to observe the most painstaking scrupulousness in his dealings with the outside world.

Our observance of Torah and Mitzvos is regulated by the Choshen Mishpot, the code of social justice no less than by the other codes of the Shulchan Aruch. Whoever betrays his loyalty to one portion of the Torah uproots all others. For, at the roots of Chillul Hashem are gross materialism, blatant selfishness, insatiable love of wealth and brazen disregard for common decency. Even if, strangely enough, as it sometimes happens – those with ugly traits go together with excessive charity and benevolence. We call the type of twisted ethics [mitzva habaha beavreirah] i.e. virtue acquired by sin, which is worthless – less than worthless. It is a travesty and a farce. It means playing jokes with the Torah. It is blasphemy and therefore unforgivable. Let us proclaim, loud and clear, that we shall have no part of such sickly “Yiddishkeit”. Our aim is to strive for Kiddush Hashem. And in order to reach this goal we shall band together and march together, we and our children [] with clean hands and pure hearts towards the dawn of Geuloh, speedily in our days.

I'm Shaking Inside

There is a story that went up on VIN Motzei Shabbat regarding religious women, including Chareidi women, seeking abortions. I do not believe that this is a publicity stunt by the chairman of Efrat, although some commentors are insinuating such. Of the many organizations we receive solicitations from, EFRAT(and organization that helps prevent abortion in Israel by providing counseling and financial support) has shown itself to be quite professional. I have never seen the organization engage in the sensationalism that is all to prevenlant in so many solititations.

If it is true that religious women are seeking abortions because they don't believe that can feed another mouth, I believe that we all have blood on our hands. Commentors might be criticizing the modern day women for a lack of bitachon and emunah, and perhaps in light of parshat Shemot, which we just completed the modern day women pales in comparison. But, YWN had a tzedakah solicitation up just this last week reporting cases of children "coming to hospitals with distended stomachs from undernourishment, by which time the damage is already done."

Poverty is severe in many communities and it is time to start reversing the damage that a welfare society is inflicting on our brothers and sisters. Grand dependency on the Israeli taxpayer and the America and overseas giver is creating a disaster. Pirkei Avot is coming to life. Where there is no flour, there is no Torah. Not only are we witnessing a weakening of a Torah society, we have families seeking abortions. Even if there is a heter, using abortion as birth control is coarsening for a society.

Those who preach, Rabbinic and layman alike, the "fire and brimstone" version that family planning/pregnancy prevention is assur/shameful/selfish and/or is never permitted financial reasons should think twice. Ideas have consequences. There are heterim for pregnancy prevention. It is an incredibly nuanced area of halacha and take it from me, a female, that there are a number of women out there that are under the assumption that pregnancy prevention is essentially assur. They do not ask questions, and many worry about finding out they are pregnant feeling that they are not ready to handle another child. There are Rabbis that many women just assume would never allow pregnancy prevention, and their assumption couldn't be further from the truth. And this is in America, in a mixed community. Imagine what assumptions, true and false, reign supreme in enclaves such as Bnei Brak!

I find this report incredible disturbing. It leaves me shaking inside. I think there is a limited time frame to reverse the damage, but it is still easier to blame the dysfunction on outside society.

Incentive

Parshat Miketz offers tried and true savings advice recalling that the grain, during the years of plenty, was collected hand over hand, or in the interpretation of some little by little. Often people through up their hands and proclaim why bother savings as it is impossible to do so anyways with all of the numerous bills, etc.

What they haven't quite comprehended is the power or addition in conjunction with the miracle of compounding interest. There were periods of time when we were able to save money in major lump sums, or what I like to call before tuition or BT. Those days have seemingly passed. But, we are still able to see satisfying changes in financial position for the positive despite no longer being able to save the amounts of the past.

Just a few weeks ago I received my statement from my first 401k from my first job. There is something extremely satisfying about seeing that percentage of investment income earned is about to surpass the amount of money invested. I wish I understood this more clearly when I started this first retirement account. If I could go back in time, I would have invested more pre-tax income. At the time I lacked some incentive.

Speaking of incentive and the parsha, I think there is an important lesson to learn. From a basic reading of the text (I'm ignoring commentaries to the contrary so as to not loose my point), Yosef enacted a one-fifth (20%) tax rate on gross domestic product during the seven years of plenty and the land produced an abundance. He also stored the grains within close proximity of the taxed. Economic theory tells us that overtaxing decreases production, so I think we can reasonably conclude that the tax rate enacted by Yosef was not draconian.

When it comes to yeshiva tuition and tuition assistance, many would like to see parents take on more employment, higher paying jobs, more jobs, etc. It is fantastic that so many parents view tuition as their duty and will go to all lengths to avoid scholarships. But, others simply won't; the incentive is simply not there.

Should schools want to see parents who are on scholarship pay more tuition by increasing their incomes, they need to understand the underpinnings of incentive. If those on tuition assistance believe that if they change their earning situation that the school will nab 100% of the new earnings, they are unlikely to take on additional employment without heavy handed techniques that provide incentive through fear. But, if you only take a smaller amount of the new income and most of the new income can be used at the discretion of the earner, the incentive to earn is kept intact.

Of course, what makes economic sense might not be great school policy. I'm not quite sure how practical it would be to enact a tax on additional income of mothers that return to work, for example, while dual income families are charged tuition at a different rate. There are already plenty of hard feelings on all sides. And speaking of practical, schools really shouldn't be playing big brother any more than they already do. Additionally, when the marginal governmental tax rates (social security + medicare + the marginal federal rate + the marginal state rate) already takes up nearly a third of the income to say nothing of the costs of transport, childcare, and non-tangibles such as decreased family time and stress, there isn't much left for anyone else to grab.

Just some thoughts for this evening. A shavua tov.

Guest Post: An Orthonomic Chanukah Note

Thank you to Ariella of Kallah Magazine for allowing me to use one of her Chanukah posts as a Guest Post here. I thought this was a very appropriate post for Chanukah here at Orthonomics.

In Made in Heaven: A Jewish Wedding Guide, (Moznaim Publishing, 1983 p. 32), Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan brings up the issue of squandering money on lavish weddings that should be put to better use in providing the couple with necessities. He recalls an illustration offered by his friend, Rabbi Shmuel Mendelson. Hillel and Shamai had different views about the order in which Chanukah candles should be lit. As we know, we follow the opinion of Beis Hillel, which is to begin with one and add on a candle each successive night. However, Beis Shamai’s view was that the candles should parallel the cows offered during Sukkos, which began with the full number but went down one each day.

Rabbi Mendelson observed that Beis Shamai’s approach is followed by those who believe they must start out married life with everything. They are the ones who would register for the expensive china and silver sets, buy full suites of Italian furniture, and set it all up in a home they cannot afford to keep up. “When they begin, they have everything.” But when reality sets in and their income cannot keep up with their expenses, “they find their lives diminishing.”

Then there are couples who see the wisdom of Beis Hillel’s approach in their own life. “They can start off with one candle – with very little.” These are the ones who make do with a modest apartment furnished with second-hand pieces and dishes that are priced by the set rather than the place setting. So they do not begin in a blaze of glory. “But for the rest of their life they are adding.”

A Chanukah Sameach to all of my readers and wonderful commentors.

I Think the Navi Just About Covered It

Two sections from Haftarat Devarim (Art Scroll English translation):

"Hear the word of Hashem, O chiefs of Sodom; give ear to the Torah of or G-d, O people of Gemorrah. Why do I need your numerous sacrifices?--says Hashem--I am satiated with elevation-offerings of rams and the choicest of fattened animals; and the blood of bulls and sheep and he-goats I do not desire. When you come to appear before Me--who sough this from your hand, to trample My courtyards? You shall not continue to bring a worthless meal-offering--incense of abomination is it unto Me; [New] Moon and Sabbath, calling of convocation, I cannot abide mendacity with assemblage. Your [New] Moons and your appointed festivals, My soul hates; they have become a burden upon Me [that] I am weary of bearing. And when you spread your hands [in prayer], I will hide My eyes from you; even if you were to increase prayer, I do not hear; your hands are full of blood. Wash yourselves, purify yourselves, remove the evil of your doings from before My eyes; desist from doing evil. Learn to do good, seek justice, strengthen the victim, do justice for the orphan, take up the cause of the widow."

"Your princes are wayward and associates of thieves; the whole of them loves bribery and pursue [illegal] payments; for the orphan they do not do justice, the cause of the widow does not come unto them."

Ask Orthonomics:
High Income Earner Wonders Where to Go From Here

It isn't every day that I receive a note from a reader that is doing very well financially. This email underscores just how much of a bite tuition for is and just how important it is to make good financial decisions right from the start, whether you are learning in kollel or earning well into the six figures. The burden of tuition leaves very little room for error.

I think the letter also underscores the importance of being careful with the property of one's fellow, an instruction in Pirkei Avot. It takes incredible earning power for a couple to jointly earn $350,000. (The income this couple earns is split nearly evenly). There are few with such great earning power and just like they need to guard their own finances, we need to make sure that we are using their tuition and tzedakah dollars with care.

I am going with the writers numbers regarding after-tax income, as well as some of the estimated expenses, although I'm sure we can quibble. Taxes take a huge bite out of those in the upper income brackets. Normal employees can't do much to escape that. And, more children and greater itemization don't have the impact they do on those in the lower tax brackets.

Hi, I’m an occasional reader of your blog. I could use a bit of your help and perhaps help from your readers. Let me explain: My wife, two children (hopefully we’ll have more children soon) and I live in Manhattan and are looking to move in the not-so-distant future out of Manhattan. My wife asked me to figure out how much we could afford to borrow for a house, so I did the math, and I determined that we could reasonably afford to live in most places in the New York Metro area. Then I started
looking and asking around how much were the tuition costs in various
neighborhoods.

I nearly fell over backwards. There were very large disparities between neighborhoods with Northern New Jersey averaging over $15,000 per child, but schools in Brooklyn and Queens were considerably less. I did the math and figured that although my wife and I are very fortunate and collectively earn approximately $350,000 per year, if we were to have a total of four children and send them to school at $15,000 per kid per year, we really wouldn’t have much room for much else in our lives. Before you say WHAT?, please look at the numbers:
After we pay taxes and contribute to our 401k plans we’re left with about 55% of $350,000, or about $192,500, which is about $16,000 per month. Here’s a sample starter budget, BEFORE TUITION COSTS :

Income $16,000
Mortgage (3,000)
Property Tax (1,000)
Food & Household Items (1,200)
Heat, Electric, Water, Sewer (750)
Life, Home, Auto Insurance (600)
Student Loans (600)
Medical & Dental Bills (350)
Car Repairs, Gas, Tolls (250)

--------------------------
GRAND TOTAL BEFORE
TUITION $8,250

Now let’s assume we have four kids and we spend $18,000 per child ($15,000 tuition + day camp + books + clothes). This totals to $72,000 for four kids or about $6,000 per month. So let’s go back to our budget:

GRAND TOTAL BEFORE
TUITION $8,250
Tuition & Other (6,000)

------------------------
WHAT’S
LEFT $2,250

So we’re left with $2,250, but that is without:
· Giving anything to charity;
· Saving for college
· Saving for other events such as Bar Mitzvahs or weddings
· Clothing
· Shul Dues

So here’s my conclusion: move somewhere where the tuition costs are moderate.
The schools don’t have to be prep schools or top notch or have all the bells and
whistles. Nor am I endorsing public schools or the Chasidishe Yeshivas. However, as long the school provides a decent education, that’s good. If sending kids to what is considered an “excellent” school means cutting back on retirement savings or charity or college savings, maybe it doesn’t make sense to send kids to an “excellent” school.

I realize we’re extremely fortunate to have what we have, but I want to make sure to use it wisely. I’m sure we could reduce some of the numbers above, but it won’t make a ton of difference. However, getting the $6,000 per month tuition cost down to let’s say $4,500 per month would make an extraordinary difference.

So where am I going wrong? Or maybe even right?
Thanks!!!

Dear Reader,

First off, please forgive me if it seems like I am "talking down," I'm not used to giving advice in this type of scenario. That said, I am as stunned by the numbers as you are. It only goes to prove that everyone must be careful with the income Hashem has blessed us with.

I don't know that my advice will sound particularly profound, but then again, the ins and outs of healthy personal finance aren't particularly complicated. So I will put forward a some rules of thumb that will hopefully help you build wealth quickly so that you can more freedom to choose the schools and their neighborhood you feel is really best for your family.

I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing a school with fewer bells and whistles, but I think it would be far better if you really positioned yourself to be able to have freedom of choice when it comes to the chinuch of your children. Ultimately you want to get rid of the debt you do have, buy a home, and then put away money like there is no tomorrow. Paying off your home before you have more tuitions staring you in the face would be a fine idea too. Money put away earlier, as you know, will yield incredible dividends and give you far more freedom, so that is the basis of my advice.

• Pay off the student loan really quickly, preferably before you take on any additional debt (i.e. a mortgage). Things will look a bit more rosy when the student loan isn't taking up its own line item in the budget.
• Budget all regular expenses around (less than) a one income.
• While you still have "only" two children, you should be attempting to bank as much as possible for 1) an emergency fund, 2) college funds and other long term expenditures from the next car to the weddings, and 3) paying off your home. As your kids get older, more of your current income will be eaten up by day to day expenses and it will get harder to save. So the quicker you can put away funds, the better.
• Build an emergency fund of one years worth of expenses to insulate you from downturns in income, changes in the tax code, and job loss. The additional interest your emergency fund earns can be designated to fund the college savings plans.
• Don't overbuy when purchasing your first home purchase. It is easier to sell a more average home that is in nice condition with some nice cosmetic updates than it is to sell a more custom home. There is no reason not to buy a home that will suit your families needs and wants in the future, but until you know where you want to live and where you want to educate your children, you likely don't want to "marry" a home. So steer clear of anything too custom at this point.
• Make sure you are sufficiently insured: life, disability, and an umbrella policy beyond liability. Those in high yielding professions are very vulnerable, so make sure you are well protected in cases of liability.
• Frugality is the underpinning of getting ahead financial, no matter how much or how little you earn. Frugality is how you will build passive income streams (interest, dividends, capital gains) that can be used to fund future expenses. The quicker you get out of debt and start to build passive income streams, the more choices you will have
• Speaking of frugality, I most certainly do not expect high income earners to exercise the same types of frugal behaviors as I do. Chazal tell us we should eat at our means, so I don't expect those with quarter million dollar incomes to be making the same choices as those with five figure incomes. The saying "it takes money to make money" is a true one. But even where you do have to spend additional money to maintain the sanity needed to do your job, maintain whatever image and social expectations might be required (e.g. inviting the entire office to a daughter's wedding), you can still exercise frugality, albeit on a different level, through patience and preparation. A good read is the book The Millionaire Next Door.
• Make sure you have a great financial advisor and tax advisor on your team. I am not familiar with the all of the ins and outs of the AMT, but certain investments that might provide little return can throw you through loops, so you need to have a reputable advisors.
• While I normally do endorse using competent professionals in the community where the prices and expertise are competitive, when you have high income levels, you definitely want to maintain a great deal of privacy. Don't feel bad about employing outside of the community.
• Continue to maintain relationships with other high income earners, but also make sure cultivate friendships with a more frugal crowd to eliminate some of the pressures that come with running with a wealthier crowd.
• Don't be afraid of your wealth. Hashem has given you an incredible gift to do many things, from building your own tuition "endowment" to giving tzedakah generously. Don't feel pressured to support everything because you have a high income. You still have the right to be prudent even if blessed with wealth.

I am really most interesting the advice my fantastic commentors will offer. But before I open the forum, I want to make one more note. This particular family is fortunate that they work a fairly normal work week. Other families with similar incomes often work crazy schedules that leave their additional funds tied up in hiring around the clock childcare, even as their children grow.

Comments. . . . . . . .

Shiurim on "Perui U'revu" and Halachic Issues of the Tuition Crisis

March 22nd (Sunday Evening) in Teaneck at Congregation Bnai Yeshurun - 641 West Englewood Rd., Teaneck, N.J there will be two back-to-back shiurim with REITS Roshei Yeshiva Rav Mordechai Willig and Rav Hershel Schachter.

I am hoping that I can get at least two readers of this blog to take detailed notes for this blog on both shiurim, If you are willing to step up to the plate, please email me sooner than later.

Thanks.

A Tuition Crisis Shiur

A fellow blogger wrote to me that someone is arranging a shiur which will deal with the halachic and hashkafic issues raised by the "tuition crisis." He is looking to gather input and questions, but does not want to start WWIII either.

I plan to update this post when time allows with my own questions and thoughts. In the meantime, just because I have nothing to write as I close up shop for the night, doesn't mean you can't get a head start. So, please post your input and questions and they will be passed on to the organizer and prominent speaker.

Make your blog time worthwhile and share you questions and input. Thanks!

What about Some Personal Responsibility?

This week's parsha was 'teeming' with relevant themes for the Orthonomics blog. But after checking out VIN and YWN I'd say personal responsibility has hit the top of my list of subjects I'd like to give a little time too. In this week' parsha we see two instances of failure to take personal responsibility.

Over at YWN the editors have printed the most chuptzpadik headline I've ever seen: Impatient Employees At Raleigh Hotel Run To Media For Attention. At least VIN was more neutral in their headine and just printed the story: Fallsburg, NY - Employees At Raleigh Hotel Claim They've Not Been Paid.

The general manager of the former Raleigh Hotel, managed by a group of "ultra-Orthodox" Jews, has the chuptzah to go on record and say (to protesting employees who staged a sit-in):
"The Brooklyn office was closed during the two weeks of the Sukkot and Simchat Torah holidays. A payroll company sent paychecks to that office, but nobody was there to mail them to the employees," "the same thing happened last year" (my kids can't get away with this excuse), and "My workers are basically happy there" (they are just "impatient").

I hope the managers clopped 'Al Chet' in advance. The excuses are beyond ridiculous, especially since they have done it before. The Michtav MeEliyahu comments on the future tense of "Vaochel" in Adam's response on why he ate from the Eitz Ha'daat, "I ate and I will eat again" explaining that Adam believes he would succumb if faced with a similar temptation. Mr. Ari Friedman, "I'm sorry, the checks are in the mail, and this will not happen again" is the proper response, not 'I didn't pay them on time and we will do it again because Yom Tov gets in the way.'

Someone should take up a collection for these workers to demonstrate that the Torah specifically commands us to pay workers on time to 1) make things right and 2) to demonstrate to our own brethren that not paying on time is simply unacceptable.

P.S. Sorry if I'm in a bad mood, but I sit and have sat on shul budget committees and cannot even begin to tell you the extent of non-payment. Tzniut and dan l'chaf zechut get a lot of air time and are the subjects of many a "campaign." I'll let my blog be a campaign for some simple, common sense yashrut. Pay these workers already!!!

P.P.S. I'm sure this doesn't apply to any of my readers. But if you haven't paid for this year's arba minim already, put it at the top of your list. I'm no posek, but I sat on a budget committee in a shul and we had a list of people that picked up their lulav but never paid for it. Certainly they couldn't have fulfilled their obligation?

Update: The original story (Headline: Delayed paychecks raise ire of Raleigh Hotel staff) and reader comments.

The Slavery Mentality

Directly related to the discussion on how to rescue an entire community from crushing poverty would be the discussion on how to free a community from a slavery mentality.

We know that when Hashem took the nation out of Egypt, there were complaints about difficulty of life in the midbar, specifically the lack of specific foods. Despite the crushing slavery that was Mitzrayim, there was also was security, ironic as it may seem. We are told that one of the miracles of the Exodus was that Am Yisrael became free men in the fullest sense of the term. Our communal memory of slavery had to be completely eradicated in order to truly become bnei horin. As we know, communal memories run deep.

Today much of the Orthodox world has become slaves to another set of rulers l'chatchila. The only "solutions" Mr. Rosenblum presented were those of a man enslaved by a welfare mentality: being on the government's payroll (i.e. the dole) and taking tzedakah from the "rich." And even the third solution, living a simpler life, which should be commendable if the solution was attached to fighting ostentatious displays of consumption, not in making a three year old sleep on the floor because one has chose a "Career in Learning" and can't afford mattresses.

Ariella recently wrote a post called Free Food on Nahama deskisufa, or bread of shame. Bread which is not earned is inherently differently than bread earned through efforts in this world. But what happens when a person becomes accustomed to eating from the efforts of others? They become a ward in the welfare state.

Ariella points to a post from her communal list serve in which a husband and father of 5 children is considering passing up a pay raise because he might loose his food stamps! There is no question that welfare is as addictive as any drug.

Want to fight poverty? Free the slaves.

Variety Post: Links and Comments on a Whole Bunch of Stuff

Poverty in Eretz Yisrael

(Hat Tip: Esther) Jonathan Rosenblum has just published a column "Can We Talk Seriously About Poverty?"

He details many of the side-effects of crushing poverty:

• Increased defection rates, inability to provide children with services they need to thrive in the Chareidi community, potential association of Torah with deprivation and strife amongst youth.
• Inviting the yetzer hara into financial dealings. This year alone here in America we have had enough arrests here to fill a book. From Spinka earlier in the year to Wextrust just this month, the DOJ, IRS, and SEC have enough work to keep their lawyers busy for a long time to come. Get rich scams are prevelant in the Orthodox community. I detailed my disappointment when the Yated an a free advertisement for one such scheme. Vosizneias recently ran a warning about the Goji scam which has apparantely become quite popular in certain enclaves. Gambling is also a growing problem. And a lot of what passes for "investment" looks more like gambling. Yashrut is seriously lacking, but that really shouldn't come as a surprise because where desperation is the rule, you can be sure that the yetzer hara will win. Chazal told us this long ago in Pirkei Avot.
• Loss of self-respect when one depends on others.
• Putting money first in shidduchim is causing marital problems.
• Serious health issues.

What Mr. Rosenblum does not do is offer any answers. He knows the solutions of the past (greater government support, contributions from Jews abroad, and adopting a simpler lifestyle) have failed and will only continue to fail. And, while he claims not to have any solutions writing, "What the solutions might be I do not know. But it is clear that we cannot afford to hide our heads in the sand and not address the issue," I believe that the real issue is that he, nor any respected member of the Chareidi community, is actually allowed to "Talk Seriously About Poverty." Planting questions is as much "talking" as is allowed, if that.

Talking about poverty will expose an education system that is leaving its constituents unable to thrive in a 21st century job market. (You can't even talk about jobs until you talk about job preparations). Talking about poverty will challenge the community leaders and Gedolim, which challenges the heart of the community. Talking about poverty will bring up questions of prudence in regards to young marriage and extremely large families, defining factors of this community.

Talking about poverty simply isn't something the community is ready to do. In America, we have a similar issue when it comes to Yeshiva Tuition. We all know the problem is huge. But real talking isn't taking place yet. Hopefully it will take place before economic reality really takes over.

Update: The Wolf has also made some comments and Rabbi Horowitz posted the article. A commentor at Cross-Currents believes the problem will solve itself when unemployed/underemployed Chareidim do what immigrant groups always do: work menial jobs, start small businesses, and educate their children. I think we would all like to believe that. But, I would say there has bee a serious change of work ethic and business has also changed. Perhaps in a few years we will all be hiring Chareidi cleaning help?

Reputations, Shidduchim, and Criminals

As Jonathan Rosenblum related in his article, con-men run free in the Orthodox community because of financial desperation. Another type of man that runs free are molesters and rapists. The desperation here is none other than shidduchim. And this desperation turns tzedek, yashrut, and rachamim on its head. In Boro Park, police have DNA evidence that links the abduction and sexual assault of a 4 year old to that of a 14 year old.

Scared that their daughters will lack shidduchim in the future (no thanks to community members who lack the ability to keep their lips zipped), the police can't get much cooperation from the families. And, so another sexual criminal runs free to rape more young Jewish girls.

Chinuch and Crime Control

Rabbi Horowitz posted an article on chinuch written by a Rabbi Brezak. The story behind the article is that boys were caught on camera vandalizing the girls school and causing serious financial loss. After the boys were told that the principal might turn over the video, the criminal activity stopped.

The author then writes, "At first glance, the way this incident was handled appears to be chinuch at its best. The boys were made aware that their unscrupulous deeds would bring them dire consequences, thus discouraging them from similar antics in the future.
However, after careful examination, we realize that this is not chinuch; it is crime control."

Perhaps I am missing something (I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time), but it seems that whatever chinuch these boys should have received vis a vis not damaging other people's stuff was lost upon them and that "crime control" (and under the category of crime control I would include RESTITUTION) is "chinuch at its best" this point. These boys need to understand that their actions have consequences and, while it would have been nice if they understood this before going out and damaging property, they don't and now they need consequences.

More on property damage later. This subject is one that desperately needs addressed and I might as well take the bait later.

Kids Need a Multi-Thousand Dollar Experience to Learn these Skills?

The Aish.com Mom Blog author, Emuna Braverman, hails the glory of camp writing:

"At camp, kids learn some basic cleanup skills (can I brag about my daughter's bunks 10+ neatness grade?), some laundry skills and most of all, some interpersonal and conflict resolution skills. They are thrown together with the other girls 24/7 and they have to work their issues out (even when someone dares to touch their things or sit on their bed!). They learn to negotiate the complicated weaving of new friendships and old ones. They learn about kindness and about sharing (woe to the camper who hoards a care package!). They learn about team spirit and how to really create unity through everyone's involvement."

Camp has been sold to the Orthodox community as a complete necessity, rather than a luxury. And, as such, I've seen many articles, letters to the editors, etc, glorifying the learning experience of camp. This is not the first time I've heard about basic cleanup and laundry skills as a big plus. Am I the only one who find it ridiculous to think kids *need* a multi-thousand dollar experience to learn to take some basic responsibility? If so, our kids have been catered to far too much. The skills named certainly can be learned without spending somewhere between $2000 to $6000 a month, especially when the parents are hurting to provide this experience.

Retirement: Goyish? Or Jewish?

I once mentioned to a friend that saving for retirement was a priority of ours, to which my friend opined that retirement is "goyish." I think her vision of retirement is one of idleness and hedonism and seeing no part in that lifestyle, she views it as "goyish" and sees no reason to worry whether they will be able to retire or not. I imagine many other frum people are of the same mindset.

My own vision to saving for retirement is has little to do delving into an inactive, carefree life. It is simply a way to ensure that as we physically slow down and can no longer hold the same schedule that we will be able to meet our expenses, many of which are sure to increase, medical being first and foremost on that list.

We are not planning on quitting work because when we are the magic age of 65. But, it simply might not be possible to continue working the same schedule. And it might also be fun to help our own children/grandchildren out here and there, volunteer in the community, or (in my husband's case) even learn Torah part time. If somehow we end up having saved too much, perhaps even a vacation would be in order. Besides trips to visit our families, we have never actually taken a vacation, in so much as that entails renting a hotel room. I highly doubt we will be hopping on and off of cruise lines, but if we do end up even enjoying a cruise, I'll consider it a belated "honeymoon." Seems every other newlywed couple of approximately 21 years of age seems to think jewelry, a vacation, and a new sheitel is the order of the day. I think a 70 year old couple taking a pricey vacation and maybe even enjoying a little shopping should get a little slack.

But back to the assumption that retirement is "goyish," I think we should take a look at this week's parsha Mikeitz. (Opening up a discussion on retirement was not purposely timed to fall out with Parshat Miketz, but it couldn't be more perfect). Pharoh has two dreams which Yosef interprets as one of the same. In the first, 7 beautiful and fleshy cows appear from the Nile, followed by 7 gaunt cows who promptly eat the former cows but do not fatten up. In the second dream, a beautiful stock was sprouting seven ears of grain and is followed by a vision of seven ears of grain were withered and beaten by to their husk by the harsh winds.

Yosef is summoned to interpret Pharoh's dreams and he sees that there will be seven prosperous years followed by seven years of famine where the abundance will be forgotten. Seeing Yosef's wisdom, Pharoh appoints him "chief economist," where he initiates a national savings plan. Yosef's savings plan is that for each year of abundance, food is stored away (and preserved) "handfuls over handfuls" (see the Rashi) or little by little. The future was known and planned for and it was not necessary to enter into "panic mode" as the time of famine drew near, because little by little, in the most effective way, the abundance was being preserved until the count ceased.

Another interesting halacha is who provides the funds for the needs of a parent. The mitzvah of kibud av v'em comes at the expense of the parent, which must imply that the parents should be setting aside for their own support. A child may have to support his parents should they be unable to meet their own needs to food, shelter, and clothing. But, the funds for doing so could well be considered tzedakah funds. The halacha seems to presume that a parent puts away for their future.

So, while I am quite open to mussar about living a far too material existence (I've given plenty of the mussar myself), my own take on planning for the inevitable (in this case old age) is that such is not "goyish" but quite "Jewish."

Just my own thoughts. Happy Chanukah all! Chances of another post in the next week are slim to none. But, I hope to address retirement savings and the mechanics more.

Sefer Breishit:
An Introduction to Human Kind's Trials and Tribulations

I'm taking a very brief break from Orthonomic subjects to discuss something different. I caught this post on BeyondBT from "Anxious Ima." Her 10 year old scribbled a musing about his Rebbe engaging in relationships with his morah, which caused the poor mother to become very anxious, and sent her running to the trash can with her novels. They don't have a TV, watch movies, or allow their children to surf the internet. And yet her son is curious about sexuality.

In my opinion it is normal for a 10 year old to take an interest in such. I remember sitting on the rug in my (public) 3rd grade classroom during a dictionary assignment. The girls were working on the assignment, while a small group of boys (one of whom is a wonderful husband and father, as well as an officer in the US Army serving in Iraq) sat in a circle looking up the word sex and laughing. As I recall, they became frustrated as the dictionary did nothing to help them figure out what this forbidden word meant. The teacher walked by and redirected them in their work, and no one was sent to the principal's office, nor was anyone punished or suspended. The message that the discussion the boys were having was inappropriate was made quietly.

The first thing that hit me when reading the post at BeyondBT is that we are currently in Sefer Breishit! Shlomo HaMelech writes that there is nothing new under the sun and we should need no more proof of that since every societal trial, tribulation, ill, and/or challenge is laid out right from the start in the Torah: murder, homosexuality (sodomy), incest, rape, prostitution, infertility, trickery, dishonesty, and even flirtatiousness.

All parents, myself included, wonder when our children should be introduced to sensitive topics. Do we relate the details of Lot offering his daughters up to the townspeople? Do we relate the rape of Dinah in the upcoming weeks? What do we say about Yehuda and Tamar? If my own son's thirst for Torah learning continues-may it be so-there is no hiding from any of these subjects. Currently, he loves to look at a halacha picture book (for adults) showing the details of bishul on Shabbat (his Mommy is getting a great review). Iy"h, he will soon pick up a Chumash and I'm guesing he won't be skipping over what I might prefer not to discuss.

While our children are relatively sheltered, and will continue to be sheltered, we ave no choice but to discuss certain subjects. Personally I'm glad the Torah gives me the framework to discuss what needs to be discussed.

My kids are young, but thanks to the Chumash, we have already been able to discuss infertility in the context of Torah that they can understand at this point. We have some friends who have not been blessed with children. My son used to ask where X's children were. Now he seems to understand that not everyone has children and that even the imahot had such tribulations. Obviously the discussion will continue for many years. But, I'm glad it has started.

I know that in Bais Yaakov schools the word adultery is not used in presenting the Aseret Hadibrot in the lower grades. Instead children are told that a Mommy and Daddy should love each other. We also did not use the word adultery, since it won't hold any meaning for their age, but while learning the aseret hadibrot, we were able to explain that something about hilchot yichud. And even at a young age, children naturally understand the natural order.

I'd love to hear all of your thoughts on introducing sensitive subjects to your children, and would like to see if you agree or disagree with me that a 10 year old being curious about sexuality is normal (within limits of course).

A Parsha Note: Do-It-Herself

We just read Chayei Sarah where of course the main event is the making of the shidduch between Yitzchak Avinu and Rivkah Imanu. A comment of the Malbim caught my eye (from the Artscroll Chumash): "Eliezer was not interested in a wealthy girl for Issac. He preferred someone of modest means, the kind who would go to draw water herself, not have servants do it for her."

Seems the Torah is trying to tell us that those with a do-it-herself personality are good marriage material.