Can We All Agree that this is a Waste of Funds?



It is hard to believe that this article by Rabbi Horowitz, "Thirteen Year-olds or Thirteen Gallons?," regarding prioritizing tzedakah and ma'aser funds found opposition and controversy. Seems that the battle to encourage prioritizing tzedakah dollars is going to be an uphill battle.

Well, in comparison to this grandiose waste of money I discovered today via the Bronstein's blog, Chai Rotel appears to be quite worthy cause. At least with Chai Rotel, people get fed, and possibly even people who have a hard time putting food on the table get fed. (Note: my opinion of Chai Rotel hasn't changed. I've just discovered larger wastes of communal resources).

The grandiose sum of money spent by the Lubavitch Women's Organization and other organizations to promote a false Messiah totals well beyond the $20,000 a month (read: $240,000 a year) it costs to maintain this single billboard seen on the West Side Highway near Lincoln Tunnel. Some organization called "Yechi HaMelech, ran an ad in the New York Times on Saturday, April 8 on page A9 (sorry, I can't seem to upload the image), entitled "Accepting the Kingship of Moshiach Kabbolas Hamalchus." I discovered that ad in that stack of papers I was attacking with a vengence about three weeks ago. My husband saw the ad at work and brought me home a copy.

This advertisement declaring the deceased seventh Lubavitcher Rebbe Melech HaMoshiach asks interested parties to send in a form with your phone number so a representative can get in touch with them.

On top of the utter halachic and hashkafic problems with such beliefs which I don't care to argue here at Orthonomics as others can do a far superior job, I can only wish that donors to such causes have a change of heart on the yartzeit of the 7th Lubavicher and donate to causes that will promote Yiddishkeit, help fellow Jews, and honor the memory of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, not defame him.

The millions that have been spent to promote such shtus could be better used to fund Tomchei, Hachnasat Kallah, Jewish Education, kiruv programs, or even Chai Rotel. I've been in Crown Heights and I can't believe that everyone in Crown Heights is well fed and has their medical needs taken care of. Are the schools no lacking for funds? Are there no unemployed or underemployed people? Are the needs so taken care of that millions of dollars can be spent on Billboards and Ads in the New York Times.

While I'm no Lubavitcher and do have some issues with the hashkafah inside Chabad, I do know that the Rebbe cared about about the gashmius and ruchnius of his community, and 12 years after his passing spending $240,000 a year on a billboard and tens of thousands of more dollars on advertisements in the New York Times could not have been the vision of the Rebbe.

Mid-Year Tax Check-Up:
Employee or Self-Employed?

This Friday, June 30, is the close of the 2nd Quarter of the tax year, and I remembered that there was a topic which I wanted to revisit. The second quarter is an appropriate time to revisit such a topic since estimated tax payments are due, once again. For those that might not realize they are in a bind, I imagine that it is better to find out you are in a bind in the 2nd Quarter, rather than the 4th Quarter. Unfortunately, all too many people find out in the 4th Quarter and find themselves in what seems to be a never ending tax crunch.

So, what is the issue that I am alluding to? That of the Independent Contractor, who may even believe that he/she is an employee and naturally was having taxes withheld, only to find out, at the end of the year not less, that he is actually self-employed, has not had a penny of taxes withheld, and now owes the unavoidable self-employment taxes (15.3% in addition to any marginal taxes owed), yet has never set aside money to pay the taxes.

If you don't think this topic is Orthonomic, I beg to differ. If I had the power to institute any changes in the general side of the Yeshiva or day school education, conveying basic financial information, including basic literacy about taxes, would be one of those changes.

If I had to venture a guess, I would imagine that more people in the Orthodox world than in general society are self-employed/independent contractors. It seems if a family member is not fully self-employed, they run a small business on the side of their full time employment either selling a consumable or selling a service. Robes, hats, sheitals, tzniut clothing, buying/selling airline miles, catering, brit milahs, tutoring, counseling, life coach, flipping enough real estate that you exit the world of capital gains and enter the world of self-employment, etc, etc, etc. . . . . you name it, your neighbor is probably selling it!

I even substituted at a day school for a few days recently, only to be handed a W-9 to fill out, rather than a W-4. So, even though I expected to be paid as an employee (and believe strongly that I should have been paid as an employee), I found I was self-employed. (Note to self: find out which administrator or board member came up with this brilliant and nearly indefensible way of paying subs).

Time for Some Definitions

Social Security Tax: This tax, instituted during the Roosevelt Administration is the 1930's, funds the pension and other benefits known as "Social Security." Social security is paid on every dollar earned. For employees, half of the social security tax (7.65%) is paid by you and comes out of your paycheck and half is paid by your employer (another 7.65%). Those who self-employed must shoulder the entire burden of the social security tax and must pay a 15.3% self-employment tax on their profits.

Federal and State Income Taxes: By contrast, federal and state income taxes are NOT paid on every dollar of tax earned, as these taxes are subject to numerous deductions and credits.

Myth: Unfortunately, there are many (self-employed) people that mistakenly believe they owe no taxes because they are eligible for certain welfare benefits including the Earned Income Credit (EIC) that funnels through the IRS. They are sorely mistaken. Even those who are eligible for the EIC can owe taxes. As I said before, the self-employment tax (or social security tax) is completely unavoidable, no matter what government programs you are on!

Self-Employed or Employee?: There are 20 tests to determine if a worker is a worker is self-employed or an employee. A self-employed/independent contractor generally sets their own schedule and provides their own equipment and office. In short, an independent contractor is running his/her own business and is calling the shots. Once the client starts calling the shots (e.g. come into the office on these days between these hours), chances are the client is an employer.

Unfortunately, many employees are paid as contractors, which means that not only are they responsible for their own social security tax, but they are not eligible for whatever benefits a company might offer (paid vacation and sick leave, 401k matching, health insurance, etc). Above I mentioned a case where I was clearly an employee, but was paid as a contractor. I was told the days and hours I needed to come in. I was provided with the equipment to do my job. I was subject to the rules of the employer. Basically I got the short end of the stick. Fortunately, I only was needed for a handful of hours, or I have probably brought this issue beyond my discussion with the secretary in the front office.

Schedule C: The form one needs to file with the 1040 tax form. The Schedule C allows the self-employed to record all income, inventory, and expenses to come to the actual profit figure, according to the IRS Code.

W-2: The form an employee receives at year end from the employer showing how much was earned for tax purposes, social security/Medicare purposes, and how much was withheld in federal and state taxes.

1099: The form an independent contractor receives at year end from the client or employer showing how much was paid. The amount paid is not the actual profits, assuming the contractor incurred expenses, which he most likely did as a contractor. A schedule C is used to show the profits.

Conclusion:

If you find out that you are being paid as a contractor, when you assumed (maybe rightfully so) that you are an employee, speak to an accountant immediately. You don't want to fall behind in your tax obligation. The 2nd Quarter estimated payment is due on July 15, 2006.

You also will want to start figuring out what expenses can lower your profit legally, and you will need to start collecting any receipts to compile a spreadsheet of expenses.

Lastly, if you are being paid incorrectly (by an employer), you need to find out the appropriate way to approach your employer and your situation to have it rectified (I can't advise you here). If you are being underpaid for your work, now that you have discovered that you are responsible for another 7.65% in social security tax (the employer's half of the social security tax), you may want to negotiate for a higher wage.

Sephardic Culture

Recently, while searching for information for a discussion on a much more "Orthonomic" issue, I ran into a thread on a very old discussion of modern Orthodox educators about ideas for a Sephardic Culture Day. The discussion on Sephardic Jewry was much more interesting to me than what I was searching for an is the impetus for this post.

The initiator of the thread was looking for ideas for a Sephardic Culture day in addition to his own. I'm glad that he was seeking ideas, because he really needed them. His list was definitely limited: food, Sefer Torah, and Tefilla.

The sparsity of the list provided, and many of the other ideas provided, left me somewhat shocked, saddened and dismayed, as well as a little angry.

How is it that over one thousand years of glorious history that brought the Torah world the likes of so many greats including Yehuda HaLevi, Yosef Caro, the Abarbanel, the Ibn Ezra, the Ramban, and the Rambam, and many more, as well as some of the more recent greats such the Ben Ish Hai, Chief Rabbis Benzion Uziel and Chaim David HaLevy, and Rav Ovadia Yosef Shlita,
became reduced (in the minds of the educated, no less) to borekas, a "quaint" Sefer Torah, and and a different Nussach?

To limit Sephardim to a borekas and pasteles, is akin to limiting Ashkenazim to Gefilte Fish and kugel. And, that is patently ridiculous.

And, don't think for a second that these educators who were discussing their schools' Sephardic Culture Days have never met a Sephardi or Mizrachi Jew. For the most part, they all appeared to be in communities that host their own, longstanding, full-service, Sephardi Batei Knesset. So, I can only assume that their schools have been educating Sephardi students for many years.

While I do (greatly) appreciate that many schools are trying to include Sephardim in their curriculum, I personally believe that Sephardic education or culture is part and parcel of a Torah education and should be incorporated into the regular classroom education, rather than relegated to its own corner, as something that is, perhaps weird or even exotic.

While it goes without saying that Sephardi students should be knowledgeable of their interpretations of halacha and minhagim, their nussach, and their history,. . . I think that Ashkenazi students too would benefit from knowing some of the basics of Sephardi life. As American Jews become more and more integrated, it is important to know some of the basics of interpretations of halacha and minhagim between different types of Ashkenazim, Hasidim, and Sephardim. I firmly believe that it is valuable to have at least an elementary familiarity with different Siddurim, as there will be times when a person will attend a minyan or a simcha where the Nussach and the minhag is different. And, understanding the interplay of Jewish history and general history is vital towards understanding and dealing world and communal issues in the modern world, from kiruv in different types of communities to Messianism to Iran.

(More to come).

New York Legislation II:
Please Act Quickly

I received another message from Mr. Elliot Pasik, and am posting it below in full for my New York readers. Please take the time to pass this important message onto all of your friends and co-workers. It appears that the legislation is also supported by the New York State Catholic Conference. So, please also pass the message onto your Catholic co-workers and friends.

Dear Friends:

A bill that, if passed, will allow New York yeshivas and other nonpublic schools to fingerprint their employees, and obtain their criminal histories, if any, is extraordinarily close to either passage in both houses of the New York State Legislature, or, being delayed for at least another year.

The New York State Senate will vote on the bill Wednesday, June 21, 2006, and the bill is fully expected to pass, since it is supported by the leadership there.

Hopefully, the New York State Assembly will vote on the bill Thursday, June 22, 2006, the LAST DAY of this year's Session. The Assembly situation is a little bit different, however. The sponsors there are Assemblyman Harvey Weisenberg (D-Long Beach), and, most happily, Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver (D-Manhattan). However, I believe the bill has been sitting in the Assembly Codes Committee for a few days, where some of the Assembly members and/or their staff may be considering some minor amendments.

I thus believe we need to persuade Speaker Silver and his Assembly colleagues to bring the bill to the floor for a vote, where it will likely pass. Speaker Silver has been a long-time friend to our community, and that is why he is co-sponsoring the bill. The Legislature, in its last few days, has a full plate, to say the least, and we need to bring this situation to the Speaker's attention, so this bill can become law.

Please email:

1. NYS Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver: speaker@assembly.state.ny.us;
2. NYS Assembly member Harvey Weisenberg: weisenh@assembly.state.ny.us;
3. NYS Senate Deputy Majority Leader Dean Skelos: skelos@senate.state.ny.us;
4. Your own local Assembly member and State Senator - you can obtain their names and email addresses from the respective websites of the New York State Assembly and Senate.

I suggest the following language, which you can certainly personalize as you wish: "Please support the nonpublic school employee background check bill. Please bring the bill to a vote on the Assembly and Senate floors. The bill numbers are A. 11399 and S. 07381. Thank you for all the work you have done on this important measure." You should give your name and address, or at least the city/town where you live.

As you may have read in the New York Jewish Week of June 9, 2006, p.10 (Friedlin, "State Mulls Background Check for Yeshivas"; you can read it on http://www.jewishweek.com/), the background check bill is supported by the Rabbinical Council of America, the Orthodox Union, and Agudath Israel. Privately, the New York State Catholic Conference has been participating in the drafting of the language, and implicitly supports it.

Can you please participate in what one gadol b'Torah described to me as a "tovah for klal Yisroel" by sending the emails described above, and forwarding this email to as many friends as possible. The Torah commands us, Lo sa'amod al dam ra'echa, Do not stand upon the blood of your friend. We need to secure our yeshivas to the fullest extent humanly possible. With our hishtadlus, we hope and pray that G-d will help, with siyata dishmaya. I humbly believe we should also daven for the passage of this important bill.

Very truly yours,

Elliot B. Pasik

New York Readers: Legislation to Help Protect Your Children
NonPublic School Employee Background Check Bill
Assembly bill number A. 11399, and Senate bill number S. 07381

I received this message from Mr. Elliot Pasik and am reprinting it for my New York readers. Please act immediately to support this important legislation and please pass this mesage onto your friends in New York now.

Here is the first message from Mr. Elliot Pasik:

Please pardon the long hiatus, but I have a good reason. Together with some friends, I've been working on getting a new law in New York State that will allow all nonpublic schools to fingerprint their employees, and run FBI national criminal background checks. In this manner, our schools can avoid hiring convicted sex offenders and other dangerous criminals who should not be working near children. (42 out of 50 states, including NY, require their public schools to fingerprint their employees; about 10 states require their nonpublic schools to fingerprint.)

Such a bill has been written, and officially introduced to the State Assembly and Senate. The bill is supported by Agudath Israel, the Orthodox Union, and the Rabbinical Council of America. Most recently, the New York Jewish Week reported on the bill, see, Friedlin, "State Mulls Background Check for Yeshivas", The Jewish Week, June 9, 2006 (JewishWeek.com). I strongly suggest that you read this article, in which I am quoted.

Your support for the bill would be very, very helpful. As parents, responsible for the physical safety and health of our children, we should have the most to say about this issue. Can you please, therefore, go to the separate websites of the New York State Assembly and Senate, and click onto the webpages for the following key legislators:

1. Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver;
2. Assembly Education Committee Chair Catherine Sullivan;
3. Assembly member Harvey Weisenberg (bill sponsor);
4. Senate Deputy Majority Leader Dean Skelos (original bill sponsor);
5. Senate Education Committee Chair Steven Saland.

The next few days are absolutely critical, because the legislative session ends next Thursday, June 22, 2006. If the bill fails, we have to wait a year. Currently, under New York law, it is illegal for nonpublic schools (and many other employers) to fingerprint their employees. We may well currently have convicted sex offenders and other dangerous criminals working in our schools, but we don't know about it.

Here is the second message from Mr. Elliot Pasik:

I forgot something. In your emails to the legislators, you should refer to Assembly bill number A. 11399, and Senate bill number S. 07381. You should also refer to it as the nonpublic school employee background check bill.

Here is the third message from Mr. Elliot Pasik:

To assist us, my friend Arthur Gober reports the following about important email addresses:
Silver: speaker@assembly.state.ny.us
Weisenberg: weisenh@assembly.state.ny.us

For Senators Skelos and Saland, go to www.senate.state.ny.us, and click on "senators". You will there find email forms to fill out.

What should you write? How about the following: I am joining with other yeshiva parents in asking you to support the nonpublic school criminal background check bill, A. 11399 and S.07381. We do not want convicted sex offenders and other dangerous convicted criminals working in close proximity to our children.This will take you a few seconds to do. Relatively speaking, there aren't many of us who are "in on this", so your emails are both important, and a good way of expressing our community's hakaros hatov.

Financial Blog Roundup, June 16, 2006:

Hello readers, I have plenty of posts planned including one important one on pending legislation on protecting the children of private schools in New York. I'm not a New Yorker, but I imagine that many of my readers are and I will have the information up soon, as it is very important.

Well, in other news, Harry Maryles has been covering "Orthonomics" this week with great zeal and vigor. Since my postings have been few and far between, it is nice someone else is getting the work done! All I can say is Chazak u'Varuch. The subjects of the posts are:
*Extortion (a takeoff on my post on Coveting),
*Wedding Takanos: Living within One’s Means (where we take a different approach to a subject, but agree that social pressure is the underlying issue),
*Lavish Bar Mitzvahs.

JH of Jewish Community Professionals has a post up on the Ten Laws of Fundraising. Considering the fact that so many of us end up involved in community fundraising at one time or another, this is a good read for all, not just the professionals.

Gil Student covers a piece in the Prospect Park newsletter on the costs of running a school and Yeshiva Tuition. For those of you paying "only" $6000 in tuition don't realize just how lucky you are, although even $6000 can be a lot to cover without a doubt.

Ariella of Kallah Magazine is "Segula Central" this week and covered a lot of practices that people like myself like to ask, what source, if any allows for this practice? So, if you are interested in the proliferation of Segulot in Orthodox society, this is the blog to visit.

By the way, Ariella sent me a copy of the most recent Kallah Magazine since she used pieces of this post in her article. The magazine is quite nice and has a lot of different articles and Divrei Torah of interest. Goodluck to her in her publishing enterprise.

Shabbat Shalom to everyone, and more posts to come.

Coveting: Is it possible this Negative Mitzvah is often violated

The reading of the Aseret HaDibrot recently spawned a discussion about the definition of the term "covet." While young school children will offer up a nice vort of being happy with what you have, and older children might define coveting as jealously, none of these definitions satisfy me in defining one of the Aseret HaDibrot.

What I found in The Concise Book of Mitzvoth compiled by The Chafetz Chayim, regarding the definition of covet, literally left me trembling (I don't know why I never learned a more advanced definition of covet myself). Is it possible that the social structure of the Orthodox world, where parents are pressured into support that they often do not happily volunteer, sets a trap where the violation of such a mitzvah is a given?

Here is the piece I found. Read it for yourself and leave your comments. Am I correct to be left trembling? Am I applying this definition incorrectly? Or, a combination of both?:

40. It is a negative commandment not to covet (desire) anything belonging to one's fellow-man as Scripture says, You shall not covet, etc. (Sh'moth 10:14). Now coveting denotes that a person invests effort to put his thought into action; he sends many friends to the fellow, and importunes him, until he takes it [the object he desires] from him. Even if he has given him a great price for it, he thus violates it [the commandment]. This often occurs when a son-in-law pressures his father-in-law before the wedding that he should give him this-and-that object, which they did not stipulate when the t'na'im (conditions of the marriage) were written. Even if his father-in-law nevertheless violates this prohibition not to covet, etc. (and see Rabad on Rambam, Yad, hilchot g'zelah, i.).

This is in force everywhere, at every time, for both man and woman.

(Postscript: I do not have access to the Rabad on Rambam, so if someone would like to expound in the comments, I invite you to do so).

I can think of many circumstances where pressure is applied on parents (and even grandparents) to provide or "support." The pressure comes from a variety of sources: children, in-laws, mechutanim, and others. I hope my reading is wrong. But, it seems that if a person doesn't want to give, but is pushed involuntarily, especially to the point of breaking, that the negative commandment of not coveting, found in no lesser place, than the Aseret HaDibrot, has been violated. I hope my reading is way off base!

Update: Posters have pointed out from the Chofetz Chaim's example, that there is some room for negotiation before the ta'anim is written. I agree, but I wonder what the bounds of negotiation are and when they need to take place. I also should point out that in Ashkenazi circles (not Chassidish circles) the ta'anim is standard in its form, I believe, and is signed the day of the chuppah, not prior to engagement. These details are probably important in this discussion.

Since the subject of coveting (and getting out of the 1st grade in our definition) is of interest, I hope to make a further post about common situations where one could run the risk of coveting. So, if you of a common situation (doesn't need to be marriage related), please include it in the comments.

Say what?: Are these the Middot we want to encourage?
By Throwing Money at the "problem?"

This jem of a piece was published in the Yated two weeks ago and nearly every part of the letter blows my mind and leaves me saying "what???" since it brings to light so many different issues and highlights so many issues with the shidduch system that apparently some would rather encourage, instead of fight. Since it would be near impossible to write up an entire critique, I am publishing the letter below and adding my comments in the margins.

Dear Editor,

As a young kollel wife living in Lakewood, my husband and I often "dabble" in shidduchim. On a typical week, we spend between ten and fifteen hours redding shidduchim to family members, friends and acquaintances.

I dabble. You and your husband are obviously very involved.

Through our experiences, between speaking with girls' parents, boys' parents, rabbeim, mechanchos and professional shadchanim, we have come across an extremely disturbing phenomenon. Let's title it "The Support Factor."

I agree. The "Support Factor" is disturbing. But, let's face it, this is a creature of the community's own making!

A boy who wants to learn in kollel may realistically anticipate the need for solid financial support over the next few years. At the same time, parents of many girls express deep concern regarding how they will be able to support their sons-in-law who are learning. The parents of these girls come from many different places - some are from New York, others from out of town, some are mechanchim, while others are ba'alei batim with large families and many children to take care of. They cry to us, and to other shadchanim, that their daughters cannot get dates, though they are good girls from fine families. Other than the select few - meaning those who are wealthy or whose families are smaller - most of girls' parents seem to be saying the same thing: The numbers just don't add up.

• A few notes:
  
  It is not impossible to "get dates," but it might be impossible to get dates with the people you desire to date. When an older Ba'al Teshuva Cohen with children is having a hard time getting dates, I cry. When a 21 year old lady cannot get a date with the exact type of guy she wants to date and she won't consider anything less, I don't shed so many tears. Many people can't have exactly what they want, whether it be materially or spiritually. That is life!
  
  Parents: There is no need to stay up late at night worrying about how you will support your future son-in-law (more about this in a future column). My recommendation: give your daughter a budget that YOU can afford and that YOU are willing to give her with an open hand and an open heart. You can give that budget in anyway you choose: a lump sum, a monthly budget that increases, decreases, or varies with circumstances, or help with babysitting. Stop worrying and let figure out the best way to approach her goals in life.
  
  Parents: There is no good reason to shield your daughters from reality. If they are old enough to marry and old enough to have children, they are old enough to prioritize and make decisions for their (future) family and for their children's chinuch. Protecting your children from making decisions within the confines of reality will only lead to disappointment. By shielding your children, are you really doing them a favor?

An elementary-school rebbi recently called my husband to ask for a shidduch for his daughter. This rebbi has a large family and is now looking for a shidduch for his eldest child. He told my husband, "My wife and I can barely cover our own mortgage and make it through the month. How will I be able to give my daughter $1,000 a month? If I squeeze, I can maybe afford $300 a month. "

Wait one minute! We are constantly being told that a wife can support a family in a "kollel lifestyle" on her job alone. If the parents can squeeze $300 a month out of their budget to "support," and the daughter and her future husband make a conscious decision to live on the bare minimum, it doesn't sound like anyone will starve! And, if they do suffer? Well, once again, they can make decisions to reflect their reality!

My husband explained to him that a young couple living on the bare minimum in a basement that is a 35-minute walk away from the yeshiva (Bais Medrash Govoah) will require at least $2,000 a month (and that is the smaller end of the estimate). If a couple would seek a larger apartment, or if they need to cover their own health and car insurance, the monthly sum is much greater. How is this rebbi to cover even those basic costs?

Well, I don't know much about the living costs in Lakewood. But, I'm having a hard time believing that a couple can't get by on anything less than $2000 a month. And, I see no problem with living on the "bare minimum" in a basement apartment or living a 35-minute walk from the Bais Medrash.

Let us not mistakenly think that it is only the rabbeim who are suffering. After speaking with the elementary-school rebbi, my husband received a call from a different mother regarding her single daughter. This girl's parents both work and earn a nice living, yet they, too, felt that they could not give more than X dollars a month, a sum which would be balked at on today's discriminating shidduch market. The mother explained that, as working parents, they do not enjoy some of the "breaks" that those in klei kodesh, such as a rebbi, receive. At the same time, the simple fact that her husband is a ballabus does not guarantee that extra money is available each month. These parents, who are both hardworking people, have seen their daughter rejected many times because of their inability to give more than a certain amount of money per month.

The writer is correct that, by definition, a ba'al ha'bayit is not loaded. But, once again, this crisis is, in many ways, brought on by the demands of a single who can only imgine herself married to a kollel yungerman. To me this demand is as ridiculous as a young lady refusing to date men who are not M.D.'s and then proceeding to complain to all their friends how they cannot get dates. Yes, I understand that it is more difficult for young ladies to find dates than young men, but when you categorically refuse entire classes of dates, you aren't helping yourself!

My husband is in daily contact with one of the known shadchanim in the Jewish world. Often, the two of them share stories and exchange ideas for shidduchim. Recently, while discussing this dilemma, the shadchan told my husband an outstanding story, which my husband has repeated (with permission) to several rabbonim and known askonim in our community.

The story goes as follows: This shadchan was recently out-of-town for a chasunah. One of the baalei batim from the community approached him during the chasunah and said, "What do you think we should do about the shidduch crisis? While I myself do not have any children in shidduchim, I would like to do something to help the situation. What can I do?"

The shadchan noted another man standing nearby and said, "You see that man over there? He has a daughter in shidduchim, but she cannot get a date because he can only afford to give her $500 a month. Match that amount, and pledge an additional $500 a month on her behalf?" "Done," the man said, pledging himself to $6,000 a year. "Would you be willing to pledge to support them for five years?" "Done," the ballabus said, now increasing that amount to $30,000 over five years.

Ah, the solution to every problem. . . throw money at it! I should have known.

The shadchan then explained to my husband that he encounters, on a day-to-day basis, girls who are rejected for shidduchim because their parents do not have a certain amount of money to "put down." The shadchan proposed that the askonim in our community, who are so willing to give tzedakah for yeshivos and other worthy causes, help the shidduch crisis in an innovative, practical and concrete way: by pledging money to help support girls who wish to marry kollel boys. This can be organized on a community-wide basis, meaning that each community can "match" an askon to a girl who would benefit from the extra support. In a larger community, this can be organized by shul, school, or neighborhood, meaning that people from each neighborhood can be matched together in a type of "Yissochor-Zevulun" relationship.

So, basically the solution proposed is that the community should encourage what can only be considered bad middot, by giving into the demands of boys who refuse dates with fine girls because their parents can't provide? I wouldn't call this is a solution at all: I'd call it aiding and abetting terrible middot!

Basically, we should encourage less support for Jewish education, and more support for young men who are demanding that everyone (the wife, the parents, donors, grandparents, the government, and the community) should support them? I wouldn't call this is "Yissachar-Zevulan" relationship at all!

Funds pledged to these girls now have a two-fold purpose: Firstly, these funds can help alleviate shidduch-related stress from parents who previously had difficulty with support. An indirect, though by no means secondary effect, is that this money will help support a kollel couple in need when the girls do find their zivugim. In this way, the money will be working double-time, doubling the dividends and zechuyos achieved.

After discussing this issue with the shadchan, my husband approached an askon who is a close family friend, and presented this idea before him. Surprisingly, without batting an eyelash, this man thought of four girls he knows in need of shidduchim, and personally pledged money on their behalf.

The problem is not that the money isn't there; it's that the idea is simply yet to be implemented!

Well, the money might be there. But, there are still limited funds. And, when the money from big donors is re-routed from Kollelim to Chatanim, it will come as no surprise when kollelim as coming up short for payroll. As it is right now, elementary schools in Lakewood are unable to fund themselves. Let's not be surprised when these schools are in more red than they are in currently, if this plan takes hold (and, judging by the fact that nearly every program, but funding K-12 education is able to take hold, I won't be surprised if I end up on mailing lists for such a program soon!).

Some of you might be skeptical, maintaining that the "support factor" is not what is hindering many girls' shidduchim. You may be shocked to hear this: A girl's family was finding it difficult to get through to a boy. When my husband called up the boy's mother, she explained that she had heard the girl's name, but she had also heard that the girl's parents could only afford "X amount" per month.

When my husband mentioned that this was no longer the case, as a "wealthy grandparent" was providing additional funds for the girl, the mother thought about it and said, "Well, now it's a different story. We'll definitely look into it again since that was the only issue stopping the shidduch."

As a parent, I personally wouldn't be thrilled to look into the shidduch at all now! But, I digress. Let's just hope that the donor doesn't default on a payment and the "grandparents" end up with one angry chatan on the telephone line.

Oh, and goodluck to a kallah who is only being looked at for her "assets." I'm glad my husband doesn't think of me as a balance sheet and income statement! (Although, I should add, my husband is thrilled I know how to run a fiscally sound household!)

Members of our community, and Yated readers in particular, are acutely aware that we are in the midst of an unprecedented shidduch crisis. The number of single boys and girls increases each year. Girls despair over the lack of prospects, while boys complain that they are inundated with "names" and "lists" of girls. Our response to this crisis has been: shidduch forums for discussion, shidduch meetings to help minimize the crisis and community-based funding offering shadchanim "bonuses". Jewish newspapers, such as the Yated, print letters almost every week, filling column upon column of readers lamenting the shidduch crisis. In the end, we have only achieved a sad awareness of how hard it is to tackle this issue and how far we have to go.

And the bottom line is this: People are willing to do almost anything to help with shidduchim. With the crisis gaining momentum each year, we must be "michadesh"; we must come up with new and innovative ways to help each other. Responses and comments can be emailed to shiduchimcrisis@yahoo.com. Tizku l'mitzvos and thank you.

(I'm guessing that my ideas of expanding the shidduch pool for young ladies and accepting the fact that not every parent can or should try to "support" is neither "new," nor "innovative," nor "wanted" advice?)

Sincerely,
M. H

Sick, Tired, and Busy

I plan to be back soon with some posts on J-topics that hopefully everyone will find interesting. But, in the meantime, I am sick with a head cold, tired, and just really busy. Today was spent reorganizing our home due to the adventures of one busy toddler. I finally tackled a project I had been putting off for a really long time. I'm an organized person, so I don't want to even admit how long this stack of unfilled papers has been moved from the dining room table where it would await filing to its hiding place on Shabbat, only to be put right back on the dining room table, but a woman could probably give birth to a child in the time frame I'm thinking of.

Today I tackled my desk, eliminating most of what was super-attractive a busy little one (for best results: I'd have to send the entire desk out the window, but that was not an option), and on top of that I dove into that infamous stack of papers and managed to sort through about two-thirds of the mess. G-d willing I will finish sorting and filing that stack by Shabbat and can tackle the more foreboding box of papers and stuff that has moved with me many, many miles. Truth be told, besides some papers I need to keep from a major transaction from years ago, I could probably burn everything in the box since I obviously haven't missed it!

I define myself as organized, and I really am. But, wow have I fallen behind recently. I can't even imagine life in a disorganized house. The thought sends chills down my spin.

The irony of today was discovering a small piece of paper that is soon to hit the trash bag entitled "Time to Clean Up Your Act? Follow These Clutter-Busting Rules for Real Results." Thought I'd share them with you:

Rule 1: When in doubt, throw it out. (Good advice, at least 1/3 of my stack could have been thrown out ages ago).
Rule 2: Use it or lose it.
Rule 3: Efficiency counts, so arrange and store things accordingly. (The system was pretty efficient until a cute toddler decided to climb from one place to another with the greatest of ease).
Rule 4: Handle each thing once, deciding then and there whether to keep or toss.
Rule 5: Recycle if possible. (I try!)
Rule 6: Pick a number and stick with it. If you need one old jar for pan drippings, toss the rest. If you need a few boxes for storage, pick the number you need and don't exceed it. (Done. Our home is too small for infinite storage).
Rule 7: Use a filing cabinet. (Here I can pat myself on the back. Not only do I have a filing cabinet, but I have a folder for every category I need!).
Rule 8: Do something now. Pick one place to start and finish. (It took getting sick to tackle the project. I think I will try to eliminate the impetus and just get started).
Rule 9: Find a place for everything you keep and put it there. (I may be one of the only people without a junk drawer in my kitchen or anywhere else).
Rule 10: Items displayed in the home have to pass a "function or form" test. If they don't have either, get rid of them. (Our home passes the little space test. So, this rule is followed quite well).
Rule 11: Don't do things "later." (Ok, ok, I got it already!)
Rule 12: Label things. (Passed with flying colors. Kitchen is labeled. Files in the file cabinet are labeled. I even labeled my husbands drawers so he knows where to find the things I organized for him).
Rule 13: If needed, call in a professional. (Will avoid this and just use the rules above).

Who is rich? He who is happy with his lot.

Chag Sameach to everyone! Hope you are all getting ready to enjoy your blintzes or borekas, lasanga, salmon, ice creams and cheesecakes. Could you ask for a more enjoyable menu? I certainly couldn't. My biggest challenge today is to avoid getting started on the eating early. Instead, I figured I would write a little about putting one of the sayings of Pirkei Avot into action.

Disclaimer: This will not a brilliant d'var Torah, just some ideas of mine on achieving contentment and thereby becoming wealthy.

In Chapter Four of Pirkei Avot we learn that a truly wealthy person is one who is content with his position in life (Who is rich? He who is happy with his lot, as it is said: When you eat of the labor of your hands, you are praiseworthy and all is well with you. Praiseworthy--in this world; and all is well with you--in the World to Come).

The struggle with discontentment or the struggle to achieve contentment starts from the day an infant exists the womb, becomes stronger and stronger during childhood and adolescent, and never seems to cease even in adulthood.

The question, of course, is what adults who are hopefully less driven by their emotions can do for themselves (and their children) to pave the way for greater contentment with one's station in life.

Below are some of the techniques that I try to employ in my constant battle to achieve greater contentment. Hope you enjoy my own talking to myself and I'd love to hear some of yours:

1. Empower yourself: You are not a victim of circumstances. You actively make decisions and prioritize on a daily basis. Despite popular belief, you can't "have it all," you can't. Rather, remember that there are tradeoffs for every decision in life. Your job is to make the best decisions given the circumstances handed to you.

2. Try to avoid looking outside your own home: In today's society where we are bombarded with marketing and media (yes, even frum marketing and media and societal expectations) telling us what we should look like, how our homes should be run, and what things we should have in our possession, it is easy to loose perspective on your many blessings in life and become discontent with all that you have.

I think the challenges for the frum can be more acute than for the general public since we live in communities with a wide demographic of economic level, where there is a large emphasis on conformity. Given the challenge, try to keep in mind that your job is to do what is best for you and for your family. Avoid comparing yourself to the Goldberg's and de-emphasis "fitting in." Plenty of un-happy people spend their days trying to "fit in." Don't make yourself a victim of such.

3. Compete with yourself: Give yourself credit for your accomplishments. You might not ever become a Rav Feinstein, an Albert Einstein, a Michael Jordan, or even a Mr. or Mrs. Goldberg. But, just because you are not the most learned, most accomplished, or most [fill in the blank], that doesn't mean that you don't have plenty of fine character traits and accomplishments to be proud of. When you accomplish something, it is still an accomplishment even when someone else has accomplished more.

4. Wear a smile :): It's contagious and it will even rub off on you.

Chag Sameach Everyone, and see you after the Yom Tov.