Some Comments on Shidduchim
A "older single," which could mean anyone over 22, has complied a list of 19 Segulot and presented them to the readership of the Yated. She has included an additional reminder that singles should continue to daven and have emunah and bitachon.
I was surprised (well, not really, this is the Yated) that after listing 19 segulot in a row (of which I question how many of these, if any, actually have a mesorah, but that is a subject for another time), there was not a single reminder about hishtadlut!!! Emunah, bitachon, and tefillah are important (I can't say the same for tefillot), but so is hishtadlut!
The list of segulot includes visiting holy places in Europe or the kotel, an endeavor that costs in terms of time and money, but there is no mention of picking up a phone or getting in your car to visit a city outside of your immediate metro area to make a connection.
And, let me tell you, there is no shortage of people who are line up for the next challah baked by a tehillim saying group of ladies, or singles ready to hold your jewelry during the chuppah (there is a shortage of jewelry though!), but there are a shortage of people who are willing to look beyond the resume/profile, be proactive, and make a phone call directly to the subject of interest. All of the segulot and tefillot in the world won't do much for you if you don't actually go on dates.
I have tried to arrange many a shidduch date and as of late, I can say that I have sadly lost a lot of drive and fire to work on shidduchim. I used to spend many hours on the phone, trying to help make connections and help arrange dates. But, as of late I have come to find the task frustrating.
Of course, there have been some easy going singles who are just a pleasure to set up. They hear about a potential date, trust my recommendation, and are more than eager and enthusiastic to make a phone call and take things from there. These friends make arranging dates pleasurable and satisfying.
But, then there are the rotten moments that can easily overshadowed the pleasurable moments. For example:
- I presented a fantastic Ben Torah with a great professional career and the ability to support a family to a person looking for just that profile, but was told he was too short. There was no chance of these two people even talking on the phone, must less going on a date.
- I gave a friend references for a young lady that might be appropriate for her sincere and kindhearted son who is learning at YU and has a Chareidi bent and would like to learn as long as possible, possibly in Lakewood. One of the Rabbis on the reference list actually yelled at my friend's husband for daring to suggest that their YU boy would be good enough for this girl who was looking to marry a learner. Never mind that the girl's yichus is flawed and nobody in the neighborhood is knocking down doors to land a date with this very sweet girl. Never mind that the boy is a real Ben Torah who is known for his middot, his devotion to learning, and his drive to learn Torah from all who teach it (that wasn't even discussed). Never mind being nice and polite and asking further questions. Just shoot the messenger and make the middleman (that would be me) feel terrible that the father received such abuse! There was no possibility that these two people would ever speak, even for a minute.
- I suggested an idea of a shidduch and worked on most of the odds and ends for approximately three months, until both would be in the same country to meet. Both mothers were excited about the possibility, but the Rosh Yeshiva had to approve the match before the boy and girl went out on a date. Three months of work was halted after the Rosh Yeshiva said no. And, at that time, I didn't lack fire, so I called the Rosh Yeshiva and spoke to him (bold move for an unconnected woman). It was a rather painful experience as I was told that all I had were two names out of a phone book when both mothers were my friends and I'd put in hours and hours of work. In just minutes, the possibility of these two young people speaking was a lost possibility.
It is probably not fair that this letter struck such a bad chord with me. After all, the single lady only is seeking to provide a service to the readers of the Yated. But, providing a service is all that amateur shadchanim want to do too. Somehow a list of segulot touched a bad nerve with me, since I believe that more success could be met by actually making phone calls and going on dates than by eating the "zeroah from the ke'orah on Pesach" or by "opening the door by Shefoch Chamoscha at the Seder."
Looking forward to hearing comments from the readership. And, of course, lots of mazal to those who are "in the parsha."
Here is the text of the Letter to the Editor Below:
SEGULOS FOR SHIDDUCHIM
Thank you so much for your stimulating and insightful newspaper. As an older single, I am writing this letter to share with those in the same matzav some ideas that people have suggested to me as a segulah for finding oneÂs zivug.
1. Say Shir Hashirim for 40 days.
2. Say Perek Shirah.
3. Daven at the Kosel for 40 consecutive days.
4. Daven at Amuka (the kever of Yonason ben Uziel).
5. Visit mekomos hakedoshim in Europe.
6. Eat the zeroah from the ke'orah on Pesach.
7. Open the door by Shefoch Chamoscha at the Seder.
8. Drink from the kos shel bracha at a sheva brachos.
9. Organize 40 women to bake challahs and say specific kapitlach of Tehillim.
10. Daven at the kever of the Baal Shem of Michelshtodt.
11. Daven at the kever of Rav Aryeh Leib - the Plotzke Gaon, the Maharal Tzintz - and give money toward the publishing of his seforim.
12. Hold a kallah's jewelry at her chasunah during the chupah.
13. Say korbanos every morning during Shacharis.
14. Say the special tefillah every day from the Shela Hakadosh.
15. Daven early and say Tehillim Purim morning.
16. Learn Sefer Shemiras Halashon every day.
17. Have a 24-hour mishmeres on shemiras halashon.
18. Perform the mitzvah de'oraisa of Shiluach Hakan.
19. Give matanos la'evyonim to aniyim in Eretz Yisroel.
The list could go on and on.
Yes, I am sure that all these things help and the right one will come at the right time iy'H. I would like to share one additional point: I strongly believe and I am sure that the best segulah is to have a lot of bitachon and emunah and to keep on davening to Hashem. And remember, kol hamispallel b'ad chaveiro onin lo techilah.
Name Withheld On Request