Dear Editor [of the Yated],Dear Parent of Recent Kallah,
I am wondering who invented the rule that siblings of a chosson and kallah (married and single) must wear an evening gown to the wedding.I have just learned of the tremendous cost involved. Even if you rent a gown from a ”gown gemach”, the charge is usually several hundred dollars just to rent for one night (plus cleaning costs, which are easily over a hundred dollars)!If there are several siblings, the cost becomes quite serious and the stress to acquire them is immense. (Don’t forget, they have to match the color scheme, right?)I think we should bring an end to this custom.
Sincerely,
A Parent of a Recent Kallah
First of all, Mazal Tov on your daughter's marriage!
The good news is that neither Hashem, nor Chazal, enacted "the rule that siblings of a chosson and kallah (married and single) must wear an evening gown to the wedding." The even better news is that as this "custom" is neither D'Oreita or D'Rabbanon, nor is it rooted in the alte heim. So, you can ignore such a "rule" completely.
The bad news is that your daughter, her siblings, and the mechutanim and their daughters might believe that this is D'Oreita, or at least D'Rabbonon. And so if you want to actually resist breaking the bank again, you will have to come armed for battle with a strong backbone and maybe some colored pictures of a chatunah in Europe. Goodluck there!
When it comes to keeping up with the Schwartz's, social pressures can throw a hard punch at common sense, and what is actually a requirement at a chatunah, can take a back seat to the "customs" of the Schwartz's like ball gowns for the siblings of the chatan and kallah, pearl jewlery for the yichud room, and whatever new "custom" that I probably have not yet heard of but will be called "the way things are done" shortly.
While I see the value of having all the members of the wedding party look coordinated for the family pictures, such can be achieved through other less expensive means. There is no need to destroy anyone's big day by doing what we did and asking our parents and sibings to wear what they wanted to wear. Just pick a color that you think would look nice in the photos and that you think the siblings would enjoy wearing again and again, and let everyone know. If you really want to keep the costs under control, I'd recommend choosing a color that nearly everyone has a nice suit in already, such as navy blue or baby blue.
So, goodluck next time. The only way to "bring an end to this custom" is to actually start by ending it in your own family. And, if I hear of a gemach for boxing gloves, I will let the readers of the Yated know, because those seeking to end this custom, may need to fight!
Sincerely,
SephardiLady
P.S. Here is an old post of mine on keeping wedding costs down that generated a number of great comments and tips.
18 comments:
Great post! We also just told our families to wear what they wanted. In the end, my family all wore beige and my husband's family wore blue and both our mothers ended up in almost the same dress in different colors! But that was just a coincidence and the fact that they like to shop at the same stores :)
I agree that the custom is out of control and if you ask me, it is not really very tzenua. It attracts way too much attention, IMHO.
I found that there was nothing quite so useful as asking a rabbi if something was required or not. Any good rabbi will help a couple -- and their friends -- to keep costs down.
Great post, and good points in the comments so far. I'll add that it sure sounds like "imitating the goyim" to me - something which certain communities are quick to criticize others for. Going to a Memorial Day parade? Turkey on Thanksgiving? Can't do that because it's imitating the goyim. But imitating wedding customs? Well, the people doing it are frum so it must be ok. Again, your post is great!
Charlie-It is certainly a good idea to speak to a Rabbi, but I think those that are bending over backwards and breaking the bank to be like the Cohen's are those who are less than willing to deviate from the "communal standard."
The Agudah Rabbis who signed the Simcha Guidelines ALREADY decried the tremendous expenses of matching expensive ballgowns, flowers, and other things like ice sculptures.
Esther-There is no question in my mind that the matching dresses came from wedding magazines. The beautiful pictures of wedding parties in matching dresses are appealing and tempting, but not necessary and while the (non-Jewish) wedding industry pushes all sorts of shtus, I think that less people feel compeled to keep up with the Jones than in the frum community (at least on my experiences with a large group of non-Jews I know).
Posting my reply to the original wedding costs post here: In Israel people are keeping wedding costs down by only inviting family to the meal. They have "simchas chasan vekallah" at 9:30 PM, all the friends come to dance and they are served cake. Of course they can come to the chupah too. This allows us older folks to stay for sheva brachot and still be able to get up the next morning. Wedding halls here are much cheaper but the number of guests is generally much greater. I have been to buffet weddings too, or where the friends have buffet while the family and other guests are served by waiters.
Hmmm maybe the Agudah should issue a pronouncement that simcha clothes for the families of the chosson and kallah must be black and white. We know those guys only have black and white in their closets! Everyone could save alot of money on clothes and the pics will look great. Wouldn't that be more useful than simply saying the clothes don't have to match?
'The Agudah Rabbis who signed the Simcha Guidelines ALREADY decried '
Are you saying that the Daas Torah world doesn't always follow Daas Torah?
They can always get a free wedding (from Luach.com):
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Wearing black and white would be a significant way to break with the gentile world- where wearing either black or white to a wedding (for a woman: suits are exempted) is verbotten. By American standards (certainly ignored often enough at this point anyways, but at least still on the books), a woman does not wear white to a wedding because it looks like she's trying to upstage the bride, and she does not wear black to a wedding because that's the color of mourning, and you shouldn't wear something associated with mourning to a joyous event like a wedding.
For our wedding, we chose the colors "sapphire" and "platinum" (fancy words for navy blue and silver/dark grey). My sister and cyp's cousin (his sister did not want to be in the "wedding" party) wore navy blue two-piece dresses (that had ankle-length skirts). They cost $55 each from the Penney's catalog. They could wear again if they liked, or just not feel as bad for paying a lot of money for a dress they were never going to wear again. (I even suggested that they could shorten the skirts to just past the knee to make it into a dinner dress.) My mother and mother-in-law bought silver dresses, both of which I believe were under $75 each.
Since our wedding was back when we weren't quite on the "derekh", the men wore rented grey tuxedoes (and the easiest way to make sure everyone had a nice-looking suit). Looking at the pictures from eight years ago, I still love the effect and the low cost.
The summer issue featured a number of ways to save on wedding costs. You can view the article here: http://kallahmagazine.com/MoneyMatters.htm
My bridal gown was borrowed from my cousin, altered and cleaned for the occasion. My headpiece was borrowed from the local gmach. I did not require a particualr color dress. As it was, both my mother and my husband's wore beige. His mother bought the dress; my mother acquired it from a friend.
I learned today of another way to save money: If you do not have access to a headpiece you can borrow (though women do not seem to mind lending them out), you can go to a store like Michael's where you can purchase a veil and a headpiece at a total cost of $35 - $75. You can also buy extra trimmings, hair combs, etc. for far less than what you would pay in a bridal boutique.
Good points Ariella. Another really good way to find bargains, both on bridal and bridal party attire is to shop in a heavily Hispanic area. They really go all out for weddings, but don't seem to rack up some of the same bills.
Oh, and my headpiece was designed for little girls, but worked perfectly for me: $25 from a hispanic dress shop for weddings and quincineras.
It was the only thing that I ended up keeping besides my shoes (on sale for $20). I figure that someday my $25 headpiece will make for a very nice touch on a Queen Esther or Kallah Purim costume.
eli7 - what do you mean by the line "Since our wedding was back when we weren't quite on the "derekh", the men wore rented grey tuxedoes"
From the viewpoint of monetary waste, i understand that this may be frivolous, but how is this a "non-frum" thing to do?
At my BIL's wedding, they wore tuxes. I've seen plenty of frum weddings with tuxes. I personally think a suit that you get to keep beats a tux anyday.
You can also get amazing deals on almost everything on eBay - some of it never worn (weddings cancelled, stores that go out of business, brides who change their minds about what they want, etc)...
A friend of my mother's actually found my (100% tznius) wedding dress on ebay for $35. It was brand new and had never been worn. It cost about $100 in alterations. It probably wasn't my dream dress, but 2 years later I haven't lost any sleep over it and saved us several hundred dollars.
Should SimchaWear.com be free? It’s not a gemach, but rather a gown portal for everyone to use. I welcome your comments on my http://www.simchawear.com/blog
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