Guest Post: Young Marriage Isn't the Problem!

Thank you to yet another eloquent guest poster!

I am a reader, but non-commenter on your blog. I read many of the 75 comments that the most recent post generated, and one thing I noticed was that everyone seemed to be attacking the concept of marrying young. As someone who married at 20 (spouse was also 20), I think your readers should hear the other side of the story.

We married the summer between junior and senior years of college, and we had been going to school full time up until that point, never having really worked at anything other than summer jobs. We lay in the fuzzy gray area known as right-wing Modern Orthodox and left-wing Yeshivish, so this was perfectly normal and acceptable in our circles. When we got engaged, we sat down with both sets of parents to discuss money. It was agreed that we were to have a modest wedding, with silk flowers, a small band (and not one of the more sought-after ones), a family friend for photography, and very simple food. I could detail the rest, but you get the idea- no extra expenditures there, no debt, paid for by both sets of parents who were thrilled to be marrying off their eldest (we are both the oldest). As for how we were to live for the first year, until graduation, both sets of parents agreed to give us the amount that they would be paying for the dorm and meal plan (money that would be paid anyway had we not gotten married, as they were paying for college). This money basically covered rent and food (which, again, is exactly what it would have covered had it been going to school instead of to us). We signed up for health insurance through the college, and the rest of the money for whatever other expenses, came from us taking part-time jobs. This is how we lived that first year, and it was hard, but since we wanted to get married at that time, that was what we had to do. And we understood that this arrangement meant that we had to live in an uncomfortably small apartment, buy cheaper food (we ate mostly milchigs, produce, and chicken that year, and we were just fine), and overall hold off on things that fell into the "wants" column in our budget (wonderful parents that we have sat down and taught us how to make a budget). I went on to graduate school while spouse went on to work full-time for a year before applying to business school. I worked part-time, and the money we made allowed our parents to scale back their help (although they still generously helped us), and we made do, even thoguh at this point, we had already had our first child (which, incidentally, was already able to "fit" into our budget, as my mother gave us the stroller, high chair, and crib that had only just been retired from use by my then-4-year-old brother). I finished grad school, got a full-time job, and spouse worked through business school. We had invested the money we had recieved in wedding gifts (which was not an insignificant amount) and b"h we are solid financially. We have never gone over budget, and we have just bought our fist house, we no longer receive financial help from our parents (only moral support!) and our family is growing ka"h. We are teaching our kids the values and practices that our parents have taught us.

So please do not blame early marriage- the blame lies with parents who do not prepare their children, and children who are immature and getting married because of expectations rather than readiness. There is no need to demand that people marry older, or work for years, or finish grad school- the real demand should be that a society that expects early marriage and young families should prepare their children for such.

We are b"h very happily and lovingly married, our children are happy and healthy, and Hashem has blessed us with a solid parnassah, despite these tough times. We would do it again 1000 times. -- Someone who married young