Good News!

I like positive news and it seems that today there is some! The Va'ad of Queens has informed a Pita Shop that a pedophile who plead guilty to molesting a boy that frequented the store, may not return to work and must terminate all ownership in the bakery.

Only VIN commentors will concern themselves about his parnasah prospects in a show of misplaced compassion. VIN commentors never cease to amaze. Some even criticized Von Brunn's son for not having proper kibud av. My word! Of course, nothing is new under the sun as misplaced compassion is a theme we are introduced to as a people in Tanach.

I think the rest of us can just smile about the news and this show of moral clarity and commonsense. Let's hope this is a sign of good things to come.

Foolish!

I see that some arayot are to be actively fought (i.e. bike lanes in Williamsburg that might bring non-tzniutly dressed bike riders through a neighborhood), while other, far more serious, arayot are to be tolerated/covered up/protected (i.e. molestation of children, the NY Post, and here ). I'm so disgusted. Want to read more, see Rabbi Horowitz, Gil Student, the Wolf, and ProfK. The Wolf also has a number of links.

I am going to stay out of this conversation and let the other bloggers comment. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. Here you have an entire community that not only won't help, but wants to keep others from helping. The foundation could be caving in, but these people are painting their walls. Foolish!

Sexual Abuse and Bankruptcy

I need to once again thank a "blog correspondent" who sent me the following story. My blog correspondent reports that the Catholic Church is collapsing under the weight of numerous lawsuits from their sexual abuse scandal as the 5th and largest Diocese filed for bankruptcy at the end of February.

You are probably wondering what exactly is "Orthonomic" about the Catholic Church? As my reader writes to me via email, "Until a major shul, yeshiva or mosdos is bankrupted, the Jewish community will keep pushing matters under the rug and hope it all goes away, be the rabbinic impropriety sexual, tax, criminal, interfering in civil divorce process, or other. To quote the former archbishop of Boston a full two years into their sex scandal, "the litigation is all for show; no one will actually bankrupt the church". Boston turned out to be the first archdiocese bankrupted."

Much blog ink has been spilled about sexual abuse and the horrors and spiritual damage that it reeks. Little that I can recall has been spilled about the impending trials and the financial damage they are sure to wreak. I do *not* wish financial problems on the frum community in the least. We have plenty of problems without inviting additional problems. But, despite the great publicity of these cases, we still have not heard much from leadership about prevention, protection, etc. I'm waiting and fear I will be waiting a long time.

Read on.
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San Diego diocese files Chapter 11
By ALLISON HOFFMAN, Associated Press Writer

The Roman Catholic Diocese of San Diego filed for bankruptcy protection late Tuesday to put off going to trial in more than 140 civil lawsuits alleging sexual abuse by priests.

The petition was lodged with the federal bankruptcy court in San Diego at 11:55 p.m., just hours before the first trial was scheduled to go forward in a San Diego courtroom. A Chapter 11 filing automatically halts court proceedings.

San Diego is the fifth U.S. diocese to file for bankruptcy protection under the shadow of sex abuse claims. With nearly 1 million parishioners, it is also the largest.

In a letter posted on the diocese's Web site earlier in the day, Bishop Robert Brom wrote that the diocese had "decided against litigating our cases because of the length of time the process could take and, more importantly, because early trial judgments in favor of some victims could so deplete diocesan and insurance resources that there would be nothing left for other victims."

Brom said in his letter that the diocese would disclose the names of accused priests who officials are certain participated in abuse, and "we will verify that no known abuser is functioning in ministry."

Diocese officials and plaintiffs' attorneys failed to reach a settlement during two days of negotiations, wrapped up Monday, in Los Angeles Superior Court.

The diocese called plaintiffs' attorneys Tuesday morning to make a "final and best" settlement offer, said Micheal Webb, attorney for the diocese. He declined to specify how much the church had offered but said it was higher than total settlements reached in other U.S. dioceses. "When they rejected it, we were left with no choice," Webb said.

The lead plaintiffs' attorney, Ray Boucher, disputed Webb's characterization of the offer and described it as an "ultimatum." He said Webb had not provided sufficient financial information to allow plaintiffs' attorneys to determine whether the offer was reasonable.

Boucher claimed the diocese was planning to file for bankruptcy protection even if the offer were accepted. "If it was really a settlement to help the diocese avoid bankruptcy that would be one thing but that's not what this was," Boucher said. "From the diocese standpoint it was a pure business decision."

Other attorneys for the plaintiffs said the total amount the church had offered was insufficient because San Diego has more plaintiffs than other jurisdictions.

"It's meaningless," said attorney Andrea Leavitt.

They also accused the church of using bankruptcy as a way to keep potentially embarrassing information under wraps. By delaying civil trials, the filing prevents diocese officials from being confronted in court with potentially embarrassing facts, missteps or documents related to past handling of abusive priests.

A trial prompted by a woman's accusations that a priest forced her to have sex in his parish office 1972, when she was 17, was scheduled to begin Wednesday. Three other trials were scheduled to follow, involving multiple victims and allegations that the diocese protected abusive priests by moving them from parish to parish.

Plaintiffs with cases already released for trial may appeal for permission to let those trials move ahead."

The diocese called plaintiffs' attorneys Tuesday morning to make a "final and best" settlement offer, said Micheal Webb, attorney for the diocese. He declined to specify how much the church had offered but said it was higher than total settlements reached in other U.S. dioceses.
"When they rejected it, we were left with no choice," Webb said.

The lead plaintiffs' attorney, Ray Boucher, disputed Webb's characterization of the offer and described it as an "ultimatum."

He said Webb had not provided sufficient financial information to allow plaintiffs' attorneys to determine whether the offer was reasonable. Boucher claimed the diocese was planning to file for bankruptcy protection even if the offer were accepted.

"If it was really a settlement to help the diocese avoid bankruptcy that would be one thing but that's not what this was," Boucher said. "From the diocese standpoint it was a pure business decision."

Other attorneys for the plaintiffs said the total amount the church had offered was insufficient because San Diego has more plaintiffs than other jurisdictions.

"It's meaningless," said attorney Andrea Leavitt.

They also accused the church of using bankruptcy as a way to keep potentially embarrassing information under wraps. By delaying civil trials, the filing prevents diocese officials from being confronted in court with potentially embarrassing facts, missteps or documents related to past handling of abusive priests.

A trial prompted by a woman's accusations that a priest forced her to have sex in his parish office 1972, when she was 17, was scheduled to begin Wednesday. Three other trials were scheduled to follow, involving multiple victims and allegations that the diocese protected abusive priests by moving them from parish to parish.

Plaintiffs with cases already released for trial may appeal for permission to let those trials move ahead.

David Clohessy, national director of the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, or
SNAP, told reporters outside St. Joseph's Cathedral in downtown San Diego that he and his local staff had been fielding calls throughout the day from victims, some in tears, asking about the bankruptcy.

"In all of these dioceses, the bishops claim that it's for the victims, but it's not. It's for their own self-preservation," said Clohessy.

Diocese officials announced this month in a letter distributed to parishioners that they were contemplating bankruptcy to put off going to trial. The diocese retained an Arizona bankruptcy attorney who guided the Tucson diocese through its filing, and Brom discussed the matter with diocese priests at a regular pre-Lent meeting Feb. 19 in San Diego.

The diocese, which covers San Diego and Imperial counties, has 98 churches and runs 50 schools.

In addition to Tucson and San Diego, the dioceses that have filed for bankruptcy were Portland, Ore., Spokane, Wash., and Davenport, Iowa. Tucson has emerged from bankruptcy, while proposed settlements in Spokane and Portland are awaiting final approval. Portland had been the largest diocese to file for bankruptcy, with nearly 400,000 Catholics, according to its Web site. The Iowa diocese filed for bankruptcy just days before the civil trial of a retired bishop from a neighboring diocese was set to begin. Fifteen plaintiffs had come forward alleging abuse.

Associated Press Religion Writer Rachel Zoll in New York contributed to this report

Rabbi Horowitz Responds: Keeping Our Children Safe Part II

Rabbi Horowitz tackled a response to my letter in Part I. Part II is now online it is a "Grand Slam." He is a brave man for tackling this issue in response to my letter. And Part II has given me a lot of food for thought in regards to healthy parenting. As always, a must read.

And, do NOT skip the links to past related topics. He also covers a famous sexual abuse scandal that I had intended to address on this blog after it was featured on Nightline. I had typed and trashed so many versions of my post that I finally just gave up. The fact that the only reason this particular predator was reported to the cops was because he abused neighborhood Italian children and that nobody in the frum community would say a word was infuriating. Rabbi Horowitz takes a look at the failed communal policy of "zipped lips."

Take a look. Discuss there and please discuss here too. Unfortunately, I cannot paste the article due to computer difficulties right now. So, follow the links.

Shabbat Shalom.

Rabbi Horowitz, Bright Beginnings, and Some Clarifications

Here I posted a response from Rabbi Horowitz to my letter. The letter and response has got to be one of the most popular things flying around the ortho j-blogs of all "personalities" (Hirhurim, Mishmar, ShmoozED, DAG, Harry Maryles, Charlie Hall, Orthomom, SerandEz, DovBear, Hayom, Shmarya Rosenberg, Imamother Forum, and probably more but this is what my search turned up-my apologies to those who were missed. Feel free to leave me a note. With nearly the fewest comments, I'm not feeling like a high and mighty blogger).

Without a doubt, this letter is generating a debate on an important subject. Rabbi Horowitz, being a leader, is engaging the services of well-known and trusted lay leaders to produce kosher materials to assist parents with discussing these important subjects with their children, through a division of "Bright Beginnings," an already established program. (See the Rabbi's comments below to learn more about Bright Beginnings and the work engaged in). Since Harry Maryles is much quicker on the keyboard, I will refer you to the relevant program information here. I plan to make a small donation myself, bli neder, after our next paycheck in the next calendar year.

Lastly. Please continue to read the comments on Rabbi Horowitz's piece. However, I specifically want to post some comments of clarification from Rabbi Horowitz. They follow below:
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Several points are in order – to you, other readers, and those who posted:

1) Regarding the numbers [of victims] that I noted in my column: A careful reading of my column clearly indicates that this (“hundreds” number) was not to be regarded as a ‘hard number’ by any means. It was rather to stress the point that there are far more than a tiny amount of victims out there (and therefore worthy of seriously addressing the issue.) As for doing the math as you suggest – five times fifty-two would seem to indicate that one therapist alone receives 260 new cases each year. However, Dr. Pelcovitz is one of the acclaimed experts in the field, and not representative of the average therapist. Additionally, as I can attest from people calling my home or Project YES, there are many, many repeat calls and often multiple inquiries regarding the same ‘situation.’ Finally, the words I used in context, “… when I asked if they would say that there are a) tens, b) hundreds or c) thousands [of abused children], each responded that there are surely hundreds…,” hardly sounds like an attempt to minimize the issue. Quite to the contrary, I think the average reader was surprised by the significant number noted, not annoyed that I underestimated the number of victims.

2) Regarding the “fundraising” matter: In the original column, I noted that I’ve been wanting to produce a booklet for members of the Torah community that will help parents speak to their children about abuse prevention (FYI; this is for parents, not anything school-based).
Since posting the column this past Thursday, I received many responses from people who were pleased that I was considering taking concrete steps to help parents protect their children and wanted to assist with this effort. I thought that it would be prudent to create a credible, transparent entity managed by respected lay leaders and one with professional oversight in order to allow people to track the good work generated by their donations.

3) I am not a “one issue” person. I am certainly not an expert on abuse and neglect, not do I plan on making the very noble cause of preventing abuse the primary or even secondary focus of my writing and/or time. This column is #21 in a weekly series of Q&A columns that I started a few months ago. Feel free to review the others on my site (Click here.) They are as diverse as the questions posed to me by the readers of the email columns, and I expect #23 to be on a different topic altogether.

I do, however, take my responsibilities very seriously and felt that I should not dodge a tough question regarding the topic of abuse – one that is certainly on the minds of many parents. It would have been rather convenient (and perhaps prudent) for me to refrain from responding to that question. I’m still glad that I did, and if my response helps raise awareness and prevent even one child from victimization, I will consider it to be well worth the time and energy spent writing the two columns – and responding to posted comments.

4) As far as “Bright Beginnings” is concerned, I want to make it perfectly clear that a) this is not something that I thought of or started this past week, and that b) the primary focus of this endeavor is to help Jewish children succeed in school and in life.
For the past number of years, I have written numerous articles about the urgent need to invest in the education of our children. (Click here for several sample articles: #1, #2 , #3, #4, #5 , #6, #7.)

About a year ago, I began discussions with foundations and individual prospective donors to develop programs designed to invest in our children in the areas noted below. Read "Making the Case" – a column that I published in The Jewish Press over a year ago, and you will perhaps get a better understanding of the mindset that created Bright Beginnings.

My vision for the program is to:

a) Expand our on-line listing of resources to help parents access services for their children and familes.
b) Create and disseminate quality materials to help Jewish children acquire skills for Hebrew reading, chumash and gemarah.
c) Create communities of practice for educators to exchange ideas and materials. (I already took some significant steps to begin this process and will inform my readers of this in the coming months.)
d) Create tolerance, honesty/integrity, and safety programs for Jewish children.

We have already made significant progress in the areas of the Listing of Resources (item ‘A’) and are very actively working on the preparation of materials and communities of practice (items ‘B’ and ‘C’). I plan on writing some columns on these initiatives, but I was honestly waiting until they were further developed before doing so. (See the “People helping people” section of my original post. That was my first effort to introduce the concept to the public.)

Bright Beginnings will not be limited to abuse prevention, nor will this be a major component of our efforts. However, due to the outpouring of emotions and requests to have the booklet published, I decided to move forward with item ‘D’ – the abuse prevention booklet, and I will make every effort to work with Dr. Pelcovitz and others to produce a booklet geared to help frum parents speak to their children about protecting themselves from predators. It is in this spirit that I opened Bright Beginnings to the public and invited people who wished to contribute to do so – to the production of the booklet, or other projects that I’ve written about. (Please read the text of my original post. I state that very clearly.)

Quite a number of people requested that I create a venue for those who wish to make [smaller] donations to this particular project (the abuse-prevention booklet) and/or for those who wish to fund some of the projects that I have been writing about in my columns over the past months and years.

To honor these requests and to help actualize many of my dreams for the enhancement of educational and social opportunities for Jewish children around the world, I am pleased to inform my readers that I am initiating the “Bright Beginnings Program.” (Within 30 days, I hope to post a mission statement for Bright Beginnings on my website and list details regarding some of the programs ….)

Will any or all of the things noted above happen? Only time will tell. But I can assure you that they most certainly are needed to help our children succeed in today’s challenging times (click here and here.)

I am deeply committed to devoting time, passion and energy to see that these items move from concept to reality.

Respectfully

Yakov Horowitz

Rabbi Horowitz Responds:
Keeping Our Children Safe

A week ago, I composed and sent a letter to Rabbi Horowitz, looking for information on the problem of sexual abuse in our communities, as well as information on how to approach the subject with our children. And, Rabbi Horowitz responded! So let it be known that "I started this Forest Fire."

Rabbi Horowitz responded this week in his Parenting Column with an article entitled "Keeping Our Children Safe: Part I." The response is lengthy, so I encourage you to read the response via the link. In brief, Rabbi Horowitz acknowledges the issue (and reminds us that "school faculty members commit only a tiny fraction of the abuse perpetrated on victims. Abusers are far more likely to be older kids in the neighborhood, family friends, neighbors, peers, extended or even close family members") , recognizes its importance of the issue, points out that the longer we let the problem fester the more problematic it becomes. He points out that abuse and neglect are the number one risk factors for children abandoning observance. He also writes " I assure you that things will not improve until we gather the energy and courage to change the culture of denial and stop the destructive habit of hoping that problems will self-correct and go away."

Please read the first part of the response and join me in wishing Rabbi and Mrs. Horowitz a Mazal Tov on their daughters impending chatunah.

In addition, I want to point out some information that Dr. Nachum Klafter presented in the comments of my letter here, as well as additional information on the subject here.

More posts on financial issues and Orthonomic issues to follow after Chanukah.

And a Chanukah Sameach. Also, HaSephardi was kind enough to post another Sephardi receipe for Pan D’Espanha. This is not in my regular lineup, but I'm looking forward to trying it sometime. Thank you.

Just a Note

Some commentors have made the point that in cases of abuse that one can and should call the police in reaction to a point I made, which can be found here.

I agree that one can and should call the police. This is the psak that I hold by and I hope that I would have no problem following through with such an action should I need to.

However, I still believe we need a centralized place to report abuse to for a number of reasons. For starters, not every parent "holds" as I believe most of my self-selecting group of readers do. While we can and should put Torah based psakim out on the open marketplace for people to digest, we cannot expect change to happen overnight and, as it stands currently, there are those who will not make a report to the authorities (out of fear, hashkafah etc), and we need a hotline where they can make a report and where it will be dealt with responsibly for there.

In addition, even if everyone where to accept the psak that you can report, we still need our own records, I believe. Not every true claim of abuse has enough evidence to stand up in court. But, if there is a pattern of problems that follow an educator, hopefully, it could be dealt with properly. I'm not sure how we are to know if there is a problem of problems if we don't have our own records and there never is a conviction.

There are just some scattered thoughts. So, in conclusion, I'm willing to call the authorities if I ever need to, chas v'shalom. But, I still think a central database is a good idea.

My Letter to Rabbi Horowitz

Rabbi Horowitz runs a fantastic column on parenting. I’ve been planning on reviewing some of his answers on my blog, since he brings a unique perspective to the table. . . one that I wish were more common, but more on that at another time.

Since I enjoy the column and find the Rabbi to be a reasonable man, I thought I would write him a letter with some questions about the topic that has, unfortunately, reared its ugly head. (The letter appears below).

It doesn’t appear that much has been put forth on the subject from official Orthodox channels or from Yeshiva educators. But, in the age of instant communication, maybe I have come to expect too much too quickly.

I’d like to believe that I’m not afraid to address abuse with my own children. Yet, I can honestly say that I don’t really don’t know how to go about it. My parents never addressed the subject with me, which was rare since my parents did NOT leave sensitive subjects up to the school to address. And, when my (public) elementary brought in people from the abuse crisis center to address the issue, and my parents saw the information sent home, my parents remarked that these volunteers tend to exaggerate the number of people abused. So, while I feel confident as a parent and I write confidently on the subject, I have to admit I’m a bit afraid of the subject myself.

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Dear Rabbi Horowitz,

I am the proud mother of some very lovely young children who are growing up much too quickly. In general, I’d like to think of myself as a confident parent that tries to approach important issues a healthy balance. But, there are some issues out there for which the proper balance remains a mystery to me. And that is why I am seeking your advice sooner, rather than later.

Recently I have heard a number of stories about abuse in the frum community and would like to know just how prevalent abuse is in the frum community? In general, I’d like to preserve my children’s innocence while dealing with realities that need to be dealt with.

What responsibility do schools have when it comes to addressing children about this issue? And, what responsibility do parents have? At what age should parents begin to address the issue with their children, and in how much detail? And, what is the proper way to even begin the conversation?

Also, while my children are not teenagers yet, what should parents of teenage children say to their children, who are bound to either see headlines in the newspaper or hear about such terrible news through friends?

Sincerely,

A mother looking for balance and perspective

Looking Beyond the Kolko Case

There is no need for me to recount the sorrid accusations involving Yeshiva Torah Temimah and Rabbis Yehuda Kolko and Margulies. As I do not live in Brooklyn, my familiarity with this particular case only stems from various newspaper reports, blog posts, and their accompanying comments, most of which are a complete waste of time to read. While there are some commenters who offer constructive and purposeful comments, many commenters are throwing accusations that serve no purpose but to tar an entire set or subset of Jews and promote an unhealthy level of cynicism, while another set of commenters are out to convince us that the arrest and accusations spanning 30 years are completely baseless. These commenters seek to uphold the kavod of the Rabbinate by undermining the integrity of the alleged victims, labelling their accusations as "personal vendettas" and making comments alluding to their "problems." With these types of neighbors, it is no wonder that we are all so afraid of our own shadows!

Back in May 2006 when this topic came to light, I wrote a (hopefully constructive) post titled "Protecting Our Children, Protecting Ourselves: Sexual Abuse and Necessary Guidelines." I still stand by my original premises of the post including that "there are sexual predators in every community out there, including our own, that we need to protect our children from." In short, sexual predatorship (is that a word?) and sexual deviancy are human issues. And, frum society (both "Chareidi" and "Modern") are not immune to these issues.

My husband and I can claim more than a passing familiarity with a good handful of communities in the US: some small, some medium, and some large, and some super-sized. Outside of our current residence (for which I do not have enough historical knowledge), every single one of these communities that we have lived in has suffered from issues of sexual abuse perpetrated by authority figures. [And, even in our current community, there is a convicted sexual offender. While cries of lashon hara went out when someone publicly mentioned the offender database on the internet, I was personally glad to find out this tidbit of information as we were considering making a bid on a home within a stone's throw of this man's home at the time. While one man told us that his mistake that resulted in a conviction shouldn't affect our children, as a parent, I would rather play it safe and choose a different block to live on. (In the end, the home went for a price well above our range, and the issue became a non-issue-the story).]

Blame it on my professional background. . . but, while others continue to argue about the Kolko case, I prefer to concentrate on a different issue, one that extends beyond the shelf-life of this case, or similar cases. Namely, how can the Jewish community provide reasonable assurance that Jewish children are safe in day schools, camps, synagogues, and youth groups?

As it stands today:
*I have a list of numbers to call when I need to know if a product is kosher. And, if I find an unauthorized heksher, I know where to call to report it.
*I have a list of poskim who I can call for questions of all sorts.
*I know where to call when I need to borrow a wheelchair for my visiting grandmother or request a Shabbat box in the hospital.
*I know where to call if we need hospitality in an out-of-town community, and I even know where to call should we need to borrow a porta-crib or stroller.
*I know where to call when there is a family desperately in need of funds to pay their rent.
. . . But, I do NOT know where to call if (chas v'shalom, it should happen to no one) my child is abused by an authority figure!

When the Rabbis and the Yeshiva in question have had their day in court, the case will have come to a close. But, the issues that have come to light will be here to stay. And parents need to know where to turn to should there be a problem, and our institutions also need to know where to turn to before there is a problem.

While it is impossible to give a 100% guarantee of safety, we must institute a structure that gives us reasonable assurance that our children are safe. Fortunately, we have community members like Elliot Pasik who are actively involving themselves with these issues, especially on the lobbying end, which requires a special skill. However, I believe, as parents we also need to be asking the "hard questions" to let the administrators in our children's schools know that we want structure.

Your (constructive) thoughts?

Recommended links:
Rabbi Michael J. Broyde: Informing on Others for ViolatingAmerican Law: A Jewish Law View
Lecture by Rav Herschel Schacter "Nobody Talks About It"
Ari Kinsberg: "A Failure of the Orthodox Community"


P.S. Please keep it clean.

Protecting Our Children, Protecting Ourselves:
Sexual Abuse and Necessary Guidelines

If you aren't living under a J-blog rock, I'm sure you are well aware that an ugly subject has reared its disgusting head. I think I'd be hard pressed to find a subject that horrifies me more than the very fact that my children might not be safe around the authority figures that they will encounter over the years.

I'm not going to give any background on the sexual abuse case that is being covered in a prominent New York publication, since this particular case is not the focus of my post, nor is any other case in the frum community that has come to light in the past few years (and, sadly enough, I'm familiar with a number of cases including one from a camp where a good friend worked).

The focus of my post is two fold:

1. To bring to light the fact that there are sexual predators in every community out there, including our own, that we need to protect our children from.

2. To bring to light the fact that we need to protect ourselves from potential false accusations of sexual impropriety by enacting common sense guidelines for this day and age (which ties in directly with the first subject of my post: protecting our children).

It is Our Problem Too:

Many people in our community would like to believe that frum Jews are immune from problems of sexual abuse, impropriety, and misconduct, merely by the fact that they are "frum" Jews. Even an amateur study of the perpetrators of sexual crimes against children will be able to draw the conclusion that pedophilia is not restricted by race, religion, socio-economic status, ethnicity, or creed. Pedophilia is a disease that affects all communities, everywhere.

A perusal of the Sexual Offender Registry for my neighborhood indicates that my neighborhood has a sexual offender in frum uniform, and I'm sure that if you are living in a sizable frum neighborhood, that you too have a convicted sexual offender in frum uniform in your neighborhood.

Some Facts about Sex Offenders:

Once you have removed any rose-colored glasses and are able to admit that the frum community is not immune from harboring sexual offenders , you might want to arm yourselves with some Facts about Sex Offenders (a summary is below, please see the link for more important facts):

1. Most men who commit sexual offenses know their victim.
2. Most sexual assaults are committed by someone of the same race as the victim.
3. Most child sexual abusers do not use physical force or threat to gain compliance from their victims.
4. Most child sexual abusers offend against children whom they know and with whom they have established a relationship.
5. Most sex offenders are male, however, there are some female sex offenders.
6. The majority of child sexual abusers attracted are not exclusively attracted to children.
7. Victims of sexual assault are harmed with or without the use of force. Emotional and psychological injuries cause harm that can last much longer than physical wounds.
8. If a child does not tell anyone about the abuse, it is not because he or she consented to it.
9. It is common for both child and adult victims of sexual assault to wait some time before telling someone about the abuse.
10. Some sexual offenders prey on one type of victim (child or adult), others prey on a variety of victims and precautions should be taken regardless of his crime of conviction.
11. It helps the victim to talk about the abuse.
12. Sexual gratification is often not a primary motivation for a rape offender.
13. Offenders need interventions and treatments. They cannot stop their sexually violent behavior on their own if they wanted to.
14. Men who rape do not do so because they cannot find a consenting sexual partner.
15. Drugs and alcohol do not cause sexual offenses to occur.
16. Adult and child victims of sexual abuse are never to blame for the assault, regardless of their behavior.
17. Sexual assault victims may not say "no" or not fight back for a variety of reasons. Lack of saying "no" does not mean that a victim was not assaulted.

So, what can we do to protect our children?

A good resource can be found here. I've highlighted some ideas and added some thoughts below.

Speak to our children in an age appropriate way about sexual abuse. For those that are worried a talk about sexual abuse is a premature chatan or kallah class, you will be glad to know that talking about sexual abuse to young children, does not have to include talking about sex/sexuality at all. In fact, it really should only be an extension of ideas that have already been introduced to them as they learn about the Jewish way and halacha.

Younger children should know that their bodies are private, that nobody should touch them underneath their clothing, that they should only go to the bathroom with Mommy or Daddy, that they must tell Mommy or Daddy if someone makes them feel uncomfortable in any way (which includes touching, but could be something as "little" as not giving them adequate privacy or personal space), even if that person said it was a secret or that they would hurt them if they told someone. Older children, can obviously be introduced to more "adult" concepts as they become more mature.

Parents should pay attention to the relationships that develop between their children and the adults (or older children and young adults) in their lives. The facts about abuse show that abusers do not randomly grab people off the streets, to abuse them. They use familiarity to gain access and within a long-term, ongoing relationship, the abuse escalates.

Parents need to pay attention and listen to their children. When something is not quite right, children often make that known, even if they do not use words to express themselves. Pay attention if your kids to not want to be around someone or if someone is giving them attention that seems out of place. If something doesn't seem quite right, it may not be.

We as parents and community members need to make ourselves into leaders. We should be asking our children's schools, camps, and daycares about what their hiring process and insisting in no uncertain terms that it must include a thorough background check. Obviously, when hiring caregivers for the home, the same background check should be performed. If our children are away at sleepaway camp, we should have a schedule and know where our children are and who they are with.

What can we do to protect ourselves?

I am surprised that when sexual abuse is brought up in the frum community, the missing element is a discussion about protecting adults from (false) accusations is not a focal point.

Those of us who have worked in a professional capacity, be it in civil service or private industry, have been subjected to the sexual harassment workshops. These workshops educate employees about how they should be behaving in the workplace in order to avoid accusations down the line. E.g., when one meets privately with a subordinate after hours, it is hard to protect oneself against an accusation, true or false, because the behavior was inherently unprofessional. Contrast this to meeting with a subordinate in an office during regular business hours where the secretary is sitting right outside the door and is free to walk in anytime.

I find it shocking that in today's day and age, that many of our schools have not instituted codes of conduct and safeguards that protect the school and its employees. Lawsuits can cost a community dearly, especially if there is negligence and the insurance will not cover such! While safeguards are not foolproof, I believe they go a long way in protecting everyone: employees and students.

Our Rebbes and teachers are to be commended for the great amount of energy that they expend on keeping students up to speed, in making learning enjoyable for their students, and in forming relationships with their students. But, lines still need to be drawn in the sand, made known to the parents, and enforced by the administration. (And, I would say that actual sexual abuse that is discovered, needs to be dealt with by the authorities) .

I'd like to hear my readers ideas of appropriate guidelines. Some of my ideas would include: Tutoring outside of class hours should be done in public places, either in the Beit Midrash or at the home of the parents. Overnight trips and Shabbatons should include supervision beyond that of the Rebbe and his wife.

Schools should perform background checks and maintain accurate personnel records. It is imperative for schools to enact guidelines and it is imperative for parents and community members to have a place where complaints can be brought and investigated without bias.

I would also say it is imperative that all authority figures (administrators, teachers, and camps counselors) be registered in a central data base and that any complaints be recorded there for a hiring school to take into consideration. Without a central database, we have to rely on those who hired the Rebbe before. Unfortunately, we can't always rely on all employers and need a greater level of protection.

I'm open to reader comments. Please chime in.