Book Review: Boys Adrift (copyright 2007)
The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men {A Doctor's Plan to Help Our Sons Fulfill Their Potential}
By Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D.
A Doctor's Plan to Help Our Sons Fulfill Their Potential
Unfortunately, this book review will not do justice to this intriguing, thought-provoking, and enlightening book. I found this book during a library search for a semi-related subject, placed the book on hold, read the book, and after determining it was worth a thumbs up review, figured I'd renew it and take my time in writing a review. However, it is a rather popular title at the library and was put the book on hold. So, back to the library it goes.
The author, Dr. Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D. (Psych), is a family physician, published research psychologist, and very popular speaker. He noted a trend of unmotivated boys which prompted what is now his current life's work on gender differences and emerging social trends and issues.
On the flap of the book reads: "Something scary is happening to boys today. From kindergarten to college, they're less resilient and less ambitious than they were a mere twenty years ago. In fact, a third of men ages 22-34 are still living at home with their parents--about a 100 percent increase in the past twenty years. Parents, teachers, and mental health professionals are worried about boys. But until now, no one has come up with good reasons for their decline--nor, more important, with workable solutions to reverse this troubling trend."
Certainly this trend of unmotivated and underachieving young men is one that I think we can almost all sense exists, even if we can't identify it. Although the author specifically praises Orthodox Judaism and other "enduring cultures" in brief for not succumbing to such a trend (and it is always flattering and wonderful to be the object of praise), I think there is more, not less, in this publication that our communities can relate to, even if not every factor described is a contributing one, and even if some of the solutions (he is an advocate of single-gender education) are already heavily practiced.
The five factors that Dr. Sax points out as contributing to the demise of boys and men in America include:
1. Factor One, Changes at School. . . Dr. Sax looks at how education has changed in America and believes the changes are not working for boys. These changes include the acceleration of early elementary curriculum (he specifically looks at the changes in kindergarten) and a shift away from Kenntnis (acquisition of knowledge through experience) to Wissenschaft (book knowledge) which he fears "may seriously impair development--not cognitive development but the development of a lively and passionate curiosity."
He points out that the average boy isn't particularly ready to sit still in the classroom and meet the demands of the classroom curriculum. Homework and a classroom environment geared towards girls are other factors. Other trends the author points out include taking the competition out of academics, physical education, less opportunities for competitive sports, and instituting a strike "zero tolerance" policy for violence which includes not just play and speech, but written expression.
I think this chapter has a lot the day school/yeshiva parent can relate to. Friends tell me of punishments their young sons endure in day schools, both co-ed and separate gender. These children have the little recess they get taken away because of inability to sit still in the classroom. And while the children are bright, they just don't seem suited to a very restricted classroom environment. Also, today I hear all about early emergence of behavior issues in lower elementary which seems to be a shift from the elementary that I remember.
2. Factor 2, Video Games. . . The doctor comes down hard on video games which take young men in particular away from the real world.
3. Factor 3, Medications for ADHD. . . The doctor is very concerned about the rise in ADHD, which he originally mentions in relationship to the changes in school environment (see #1 above). He does mention that much of the suggestion that a child be evaluated for ADHD is coming from the classroom teacher. He is particularly critical of the trend to prescribe stimulant medication (esp.) for ADHD as an experiment "Why Not Give It a Try?" He advocates for other solutions before medication and certain medications over others. He also details that much of the medication, when remove, can having lasting effects that sap motivation.
The suggestion of ADHD isn't unknown in our world. From what I understand, there is tremendous pressure on some parents to medicate their boys. While the doctor never dismisses medication completely, he advocates for other solution such as moving boys to more boy-friendly environments first. I was not able to relate to the push for more single-gender education in relationship to ADHD as in our world we tend to separate the boys from the girls and yet the issues remain. My guess is that separating out the boys from the girls isn't actually the key, but creating a learning environment that really appeals and motivates boys is. And where that environment lacks, the behavior follows.
4. Factor 4, Endocrine Disruptors. . . Here the doctor outlines environmental changes that might be affecting boys more than girls.
5. Factor 5, Devaluation of Masculinity. . . lack of role modeling to transition boys to manhood.
The End Result, a "Failure to Launch". . . The doctor sums up his list of five factors with a summary of the "end result", young men who are failing to get their lives of the ground. They are unmotivated by things that traditionally motivated men, i.e. money and sex (North American culture also lacks a "stick of duty", i.e. the expectation to provide despite the unpleasantness of it all out of fear that the family would be demeaned). In the past, a man had external motivation, even if he lacked internal motivation. To marry he needed to demonstrate he could provide. Today, marriage rates have fallen and sex has been divorced from marriage. Worse yet, the doctor mention that sexual satisfaction has been divorced from women altogether. He writes: "If you don't work with today's teenage boys on a regular basis, you man not understand the extend to which pornographic images of women have replaced the real thing.. . . among those men, use of pornography can readily escalate from an occasional diversion. . . to becoming the preferred sexual outlet." The issues mention are closely related to the chapter on video games where the doctor mentions that young men today seem rather satisfied to remain in the fantasy world of video games, rather than interact with young women.
The end result is that a growing number of young men are more than happy to remain unemployed/underemployed and live a fairly comfortable live off their parents (or girlfriends/wives). Perhaps the real highlight of this chapter are the numerous letters the doctor published from people who recognize the trend and/or relate their experiences re a "Failure to Launch."
The "Failure to Launch" is certainly something we see in our own communities. After I read the book, I was discussing the prevalence in our own community with my husband. We know so many men who are wonderful and bright, yet just can't seem to "find themselves". They don't feel a duty to do what it takes and aren't motivated to make money if it isn't pleasant or "demeans" them. Thankfully, we haven't divorced the physical relationship from the marital relationship, so it might be easy to dismiss such as non-applicable. Nonetheless, we seem to face many of the same issues of young men unmotivated to establish independence. We have many a husband, father, or single who is happy to live off his parents or wife.
The Solutions
School Changes
--Societal: Restore kindergarten as kindergarten, so that the initial school experience be a positive one. Put Kenntnis and Wissenschaft back in balance. Give teachers more freedom to reintroduce competitive formats into the classroom for those that need that approach.
--For Parents: Hold back a child that is not ready for an accelerated curriculum. Team up with other like minded parents when asking for changes in school. "One parent is just an annoyance. six parents can't be ignored." Don't be adversarial, but look to work with the school. Explore separate gender education tracks, both in private schools or within a public school framework (as it is not legal in American public education).
Video Games
--(beyond never introducing these games or pulling the plug) find real world experiences for boys, especially competitive or contact sports.
Medications for ADHD
--If it is suggested your son has ADHD, insist on a formal (private) assessment who i not biased in favor of diagnosing ADHD. The doctor does not believe that school psychologists (or psychologists recommended by private schools) or primary care physicians are the best choices. He also recommends trying a different environment.
A useful parent's guide is provided by the author on 5 criteria that need to be met to diagnose ADHD:
1. Hyperactivity/impulsively or inattention.
2. Onset before seven years of age.
3. Multiple settings.
4. Significant impairment in social or academic functioning.
5. Not attributable to another disorder.
Endocrine disruptors:
--be careful with plastics. See the website for things to avoid and articles.
Devaluation of Masculinity
--look for positive role modeling, restore the bond between generation, don't ignore gender.
My recommendation: This book is a very easy, short read. It is highly worthwhile reading for parents (especially parents of boys of all ages who don't seem to be "launching"). There is plenty that is applicable to the Orthodox Jew, even if our children aren't spending their days playing video games and even if our children shidduch date. The articles on the author's website are worth exploration. Even where I'm not quite sure about the author's suggestions, or have my reservations, I'm glad I've been exposed to his research and suggestions. (My apologies for a short and rather faulty review, but the book must return to the library shelf).
Showing posts with label Book Review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Book Review. Show all posts
Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, July 17, 2009
Would the Financial Gurus Fail If Frum?
Hat Tip: aml
I finally took the time out to review Dave Ramsey's book the Total Money Makeover, which I highly endorsed because of its straightforward approach to money management and the ethic behind it. Sure, I had a few quibbles, but in the larger scheme of things, they aren't particularly important.
A number of months ago, I was informed that the CPA who writes for Baltimore's Where What When also wrote a review of the book. At the end he writes that a frum family that is not careful about budgeting "the average frum family can lose a million dollars and more over a lifetime and have absolutely nothing to show for it." I believe that he is very active in the Baltimore community which makes this statement very eye opening. He too liked the book (although he seemed to like the Tightwad Gazette more-different strokes for different folks. I could not finish that book), and recommends it, but he throws a swipe writing:
It has been said that the more something is said, the more it is believed. The more we talk about just how expensive it is to be frum, the more we believe that we really have no choices and the more permission we give ourselves to just keep spending. After all, there is nothing that we can do, right?
I have no doubt that Dave Ramsey could figure out how to make Pesach. And I think "huh?" is exactly the response that we need to turn around some of the crazy spending on big ticket items. Alternatives can be found when you question the premises.
Hat Tip: aml
I finally took the time out to review Dave Ramsey's book the Total Money Makeover, which I highly endorsed because of its straightforward approach to money management and the ethic behind it. Sure, I had a few quibbles, but in the larger scheme of things, they aren't particularly important.
A number of months ago, I was informed that the CPA who writes for Baltimore's Where What When also wrote a review of the book. At the end he writes that a frum family that is not careful about budgeting "the average frum family can lose a million dollars and more over a lifetime and have absolutely nothing to show for it." I believe that he is very active in the Baltimore community which makes this statement very eye opening. He too liked the book (although he seemed to like the Tightwad Gazette more-different strokes for different folks. I could not finish that book), and recommends it, but he throws a swipe writing:
Ramsey and [Suzy] Orman are preaching to families to stop the cable TV, SUV loans, daily meals at restaurants, and the $4 Starbucks latte habit. That is simple advice to give. If they had to handle frum finances, they wouldn't have it so easy. Frum people have larger families, often with only one wage earner. The expenses are much higher than in the secular world. I wonder if these gurus can imagine making Pesach? Explain to Suzy Orman that some kids need to go to sleep-away camp for the "ruach," because if they stay home they will be influenced by the "outside world." Huh?
It has been said that the more something is said, the more it is believed. The more we talk about just how expensive it is to be frum, the more we believe that we really have no choices and the more permission we give ourselves to just keep spending. After all, there is nothing that we can do, right?
I have no doubt that Dave Ramsey could figure out how to make Pesach. And I think "huh?" is exactly the response that we need to turn around some of the crazy spending on big ticket items. Alternatives can be found when you question the premises.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Book Review: The Total Money Makeover
I have to thank my wonderful readers for introducing me to Dave Ramsey, author of the best selling book The Total Money Makeover. Meeting Dave Ramsey by listening to his radio show and reading his books (I have read a number of them) was sort of like meeting my financial twin. Who would ever imagine that my financial twin would be more fiscally conservative, Protestant, male, and bald? This promises to be a short review because someone has put a hold on this book and I cannot renew it and I'd rather someone who might need this book get their hands on it because I've been practicing "Grandma's Finance" for a long time.
This book is, in Dave Ramsey's own words "NOT sophisticated or complicated." It is not academic, nor is it a finance manual, nor does it present ideas that are earth shattering. Rather it is a presentation of a plan that will help individuals and families tackle their finances head on by getting out of debt and building wealth. Simple as that.
You might ask, what makes this book different from the many other books that outline the same concepts? I would answer that this book is both entertaining and inspiring, plus it has a great, easy to read format where ideas are set off for clarity. Unlike yours truly (that would be me), who has always been unsophisticated and risk adverse, Dave Ramsey has a story, or as he writes, "I have been there, done that. I have a PhD in D-U-M-B. So I know what it is like to be scared and scarred. I know what it is like to have my marriage hanging by a thread because of financial stress. I know what it is like to have my hopes and dreams crushed by my own stupid decisions."
As I mentioned above, Dave Ramsey is a Protestant, and a quite serious one at that. Some of the inspiration in his book does come from the Bible. Some might be afraid of his books because he is a serious Christian. I am not afraid of reading lines from Psalms (Tehillim) or Proverbs (Mishlei) because these passages only reinforce a commonsense Torah approach to personal finance, one of simplicity guided by a consistent philosophy. And if anything was quoted from the Christian Bible, it certainly isn't anything that our great sages have not said. If you listen to his radio show, I think you can appreciate his religious background more. One thing he I have never heard him advise is holding off children as a way to solve a financial problem. He considers building a family of great importance, which is not something I sense from other financial authors. His ministry is named "Financial Peace" the goals go far beyond sensible finance and into building strong marriages and families.
The real inspiration in this book I believes comes from the stories interspersed throughout the book of individuals and families that have "changed their family tree" by turning their lives around. Seeing how other people have succeeded is empowering! Additionally, Dave Ramsey has some great quotes and a good sense of humor. The following are some saying to hang your hat on:
The first part of the book tackles some debt myths, namely that debt is a tool used to create prosperity. As Dave [Ramsey] writes: "Debt adds considerable risk, most often doesn't bring prosperity, and isn't used by wealthy people nearly as much as we are led to believe." Another book that I recommend, which Dave references is "The Millionaire Next Door." I was raised in by unsophisticated parents who taught me to save for the next big purchase. I remember sitting through finance class dumbfounded by the idea that people would actually take out loans against their homes to invest in the stock market. I managed to run all the calculations asked of me, but in real life I've seen these calculations destroy marriages.
Dave also recommends against loaning to friends and relatives (see more notes on that below), cosigning loans (guess who is on the hook should your relative default?!), and payday loans. He debunks the myth that "ninety days [is the] same as cash" and that a person will always have a car payment (nope, "the average millionaire drives a two-year-old car with no payments") .
He doesn't like car leases (which he refers to as fleeces), new cars, 30-year mortgages, whole life insurance/cash value insurance, credit cards (most people spend more and few pay them off each and every month), debt consolidation (because it only treats the symptom) and debt-management companies (too much fraud and a great way to trash your credit in addition to treating the symptom via a 3rd party no less), buying gold, get rich quick schemes, gambling, mobile homes (OK, I doubt any of my readers have a mobile home, but you never know), prepaying funeral and college expenses (you can do better by investing, additionally see my notes below), home equity lines of credit, student loans, and bankruptcy (it might be necessary in some situations, but it isn't painless procedures where "you merrily trot off into your future to start fresh").
What does he recommend? Using cash, frugal living, getting on a written monthly budget, saving for retirement ("Ed McMahon isn't coming". . . certainly not without Techiyat HaMetim), being adequately insured and drawing up a will (auto, home, life, disability, health, long-term care for those over 60), having an emergency fund, paying off the 15-year mortgage, putting away for your children's college education, and having FUN with your money (not before you have some solid footing however).
Before delving into his plan, Dave Ramsey outlines some hurdles which cause people to resist changing their financial lives, namely:
There is a story in this section that I think is worth sharing. Although the story involves Christmas, it could be about making a simcha or forgoing social expectations from what you serve or wear on yom tov, to what you do with your kids in the summer, to what you wear on your head:
The Plan
Now that I've completed the (rather lengthy) introduction I will quickly outline the plan that Dave Ramsey recommends for getting out of debt and building long-term wealth which he calls Baby Steps. I am presenting the Baby Steps in brief. Plenty of questions are asked and answered in this section. If this plan is of interest, read the book!
1. Save $1,000 Fast: To inspire confidence you need to get started and focus your efforts. He recommends getting your hands on $1000, the baby emergency fund because "it is going to rain." Whatever it takes to get $1,000 of cash in your hands, do it. Have a garage sale, return stuff, work some extra shifts, cut coupons, etc. Once you've got it, hide it and keep it liquid.
[Shocking States: 49% of Americans could cover less than one month's expenses if they lost their income].
2. The Debt Snowball: Debt is the enemy and the goal is to eliminate all debt with the exception of the mortgage. Dave recommends lining up all the debts owed by amount and start paying them off from smallest to largest, while making minimum payments on all larger loans. I do have a quibble with this (see below), but he bases his method on inspiring confidence in one's abilities rather than on interest calculations which he calls "behavior modification over math." He has worked with many people and has observed that small victories lead to larger victories. The way to get the snowball rolling, of course, entails radical action and a lot of beans and rice.
3. Finish the Emergency Fund: Kick Murphy Out. "Murphy" is a play on Murphy's law. Dave writes, "an emergency fund can turn crises into inconveniences." Dave recommends a three to six month emergency fund of money needed to pay expenses if you lose your income. He mentions that women are more security oriented and that this step will improve many a marriage.
4. Maximize Retirement Investing. Here Dave recommends 15% of income be saved for retirement. First you put away in a 401(k) what your employer will match, followed by the remainder in a ROTH IRA if you quality. He has a nice (but simplistic) chart which clearly demonstrates just how much easier it is to put away small amounts when you are younger.
5. College Funding. I'm going to keep this section really brief. Dave hates student loans, as do I, and recommends figuring out how to do without. Note that saving for college follows saving for retirement. And Dave likes ESA's (Coverdells) over 529s because of the flexibility of investing.
6. Pay Off the Home Mortgage. Here he points out that the tax savings from a mortgage don't justify paying the interest and that leveraging your home isn't the way to make money. We all like to reduce our taxes, but it doesn't make sense to pay more interest in order to pay fewer taxes (a point finance and accounting professors will make which, unlike leveraging your home, is financially sound for those who want to follow Grandma's Money Rules).
7. Build wealth and have FUN. Once you have set up a strong foundation and have built some wealth through investing, there is no reason not to have some fun. It could be a new toy, being super-duper charitable, or a combination while making wealth a blessing, not a curse. Dave notes that wealth comes with responsibility and warns against "affluenza."
All in all, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND this book as a motivator for getting out of debt or just developing a philosphy toward personal finance. I would not use it as an investment manual (see note below). Many readers write me with questions and I am so thankful to my readers for introducing me to this book because I think it presents a simple and healthy view on how to approach finances including the spiritual.
I do have more Dave Ramsey posts coming up, so stay tuned.
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Like I said, I love this book, but I do have a few quibbles, which in the scheme of things aren't anything major which is why I am noting them in small print:
1. I don't like carrying cash, so I have a hard time jumping on that train. That said, I do not recommend taking out a credit card until you have established consistent and frugal spending habits. And I would also say that anyone who has reached the end of the month and found themselves unable to pay their card off in full should immediately start using cash and checks. The same goes for anyone seeing their savings falling in a quarterly period.
2. I think the 15 year mortgage is fantastic, but I can't seem to jump on that train either. A 15-year mortgage would be quite a squeeze for most young people buying into my neighborhood, even if they really have it together. I do recommend budgeting extra each month, but I think the emergency fund wins out over the 15 year mortgage.
3. Dave Ramsey rules against loaning money to friends and relatives as it creates a master/servant relationship and ultimately destroys relationships. (He does not opposed gifting under certain circumstances). This is a tough one to reconcile with what we have been taught about the mitzvah of lending. However, now that I've had time to digest his thoughts and think about some real life situations I know of, I think he brings forward a good point. Certainly that halacha takes into account the changed relationships as you must be careful about not even walking by the home of the person you have lent to unecessarily so as to not badger. Personally I think there is a lot to be said for free loan societies that serve as a middle man between the giver and receiver.
4. Dave Ramsey reminds the reader that over time the stock market averages 12%. While I do believe in investing, I don't ever make my calculations based on such a high return. As such, it is hard for me (a lazy investor) to get worked up about pre-paid college plans for example. I think Dave Ramsey has solid advice, but I look to him more for solving the debt issues rather than the investing puzzle.
5. As a math person, I have a hard time buying into a debt snowball that pays off debt according to the amount due, rather than the APR. But I do understand the reason he recommend this method, but I would probably recommend a hybrid method after building some confidence.
I have to thank my wonderful readers for introducing me to Dave Ramsey, author of the best selling book The Total Money Makeover. Meeting Dave Ramsey by listening to his radio show and reading his books (I have read a number of them) was sort of like meeting my financial twin. Who would ever imagine that my financial twin would be more fiscally conservative, Protestant, male, and bald? This promises to be a short review because someone has put a hold on this book and I cannot renew it and I'd rather someone who might need this book get their hands on it because I've been practicing "Grandma's Finance" for a long time.
This book is, in Dave Ramsey's own words "NOT sophisticated or complicated." It is not academic, nor is it a finance manual, nor does it present ideas that are earth shattering. Rather it is a presentation of a plan that will help individuals and families tackle their finances head on by getting out of debt and building wealth. Simple as that.
You might ask, what makes this book different from the many other books that outline the same concepts? I would answer that this book is both entertaining and inspiring, plus it has a great, easy to read format where ideas are set off for clarity. Unlike yours truly (that would be me), who has always been unsophisticated and risk adverse, Dave Ramsey has a story, or as he writes, "I have been there, done that. I have a PhD in D-U-M-B. So I know what it is like to be scared and scarred. I know what it is like to have my marriage hanging by a thread because of financial stress. I know what it is like to have my hopes and dreams crushed by my own stupid decisions."
As I mentioned above, Dave Ramsey is a Protestant, and a quite serious one at that. Some of the inspiration in his book does come from the Bible. Some might be afraid of his books because he is a serious Christian. I am not afraid of reading lines from Psalms (Tehillim) or Proverbs (Mishlei) because these passages only reinforce a commonsense Torah approach to personal finance, one of simplicity guided by a consistent philosophy. And if anything was quoted from the Christian Bible, it certainly isn't anything that our great sages have not said. If you listen to his radio show, I think you can appreciate his religious background more. One thing he I have never heard him advise is holding off children as a way to solve a financial problem. He considers building a family of great importance, which is not something I sense from other financial authors. His ministry is named "Financial Peace" the goals go far beyond sensible finance and into building strong marriages and families.
The real inspiration in this book I believes comes from the stories interspersed throughout the book of individuals and families that have "changed their family tree" by turning their lives around. Seeing how other people have succeeded is empowering! Additionally, Dave Ramsey has some great quotes and a good sense of humor. The following are some saying to hang your hat on:
"Winning at money is 80 percent behavior and 20 percent head knowledge."
"Ninety percent of solving a problem is realizing there is one."
"It is human nature to want it and want it now; it is also a sign of immaturity."
"We buy things we don't need with money we don't have in order to impress people we don't like."
"The secrets of the rich don't exist, because the principles aren't a secret."
"We have met the enemy and he is us."
"Don't even consider keeping up with the Joneses. THEY'RE BROKE."
"Radical change. . . is required for a money breakthrough."
"Christmas is not an emergency." (I.e. You know it is coming, so plan ahead.)
"Live like no one else today so you can live like no one else tomorrow."
The first part of the book tackles some debt myths, namely that debt is a tool used to create prosperity. As Dave [Ramsey] writes: "Debt adds considerable risk, most often doesn't bring prosperity, and isn't used by wealthy people nearly as much as we are led to believe." Another book that I recommend, which Dave references is "The Millionaire Next Door." I was raised in by unsophisticated parents who taught me to save for the next big purchase. I remember sitting through finance class dumbfounded by the idea that people would actually take out loans against their homes to invest in the stock market. I managed to run all the calculations asked of me, but in real life I've seen these calculations destroy marriages.
Dave also recommends against loaning to friends and relatives (see more notes on that below), cosigning loans (guess who is on the hook should your relative default?!), and payday loans. He debunks the myth that "ninety days [is the] same as cash" and that a person will always have a car payment (nope, "the average millionaire drives a two-year-old car with no payments") .
He doesn't like car leases (which he refers to as fleeces), new cars, 30-year mortgages, whole life insurance/cash value insurance, credit cards (most people spend more and few pay them off each and every month), debt consolidation (because it only treats the symptom) and debt-management companies (too much fraud and a great way to trash your credit in addition to treating the symptom via a 3rd party no less), buying gold, get rich quick schemes, gambling, mobile homes (OK, I doubt any of my readers have a mobile home, but you never know), prepaying funeral and college expenses (you can do better by investing, additionally see my notes below), home equity lines of credit, student loans, and bankruptcy (it might be necessary in some situations, but it isn't painless procedures where "you merrily trot off into your future to start fresh").
What does he recommend? Using cash, frugal living, getting on a written monthly budget, saving for retirement ("Ed McMahon isn't coming". . . certainly not without Techiyat HaMetim), being adequately insured and drawing up a will (auto, home, life, disability, health, long-term care for those over 60), having an emergency fund, paying off the 15-year mortgage, putting away for your children's college education, and having FUN with your money (not before you have some solid footing however).
Before delving into his plan, Dave Ramsey outlines some hurdles which cause people to resist changing their financial lives, namely:
#1: Ignorance or lack of know-how. Somehow when it comes to money, people get defensive. Dave writes: "Ignorance is not lack of intelligence; it is lack of know-how."
#2: "Keeping up with the Joneses: The Joneses Can't Do Math" and they are likely broke.
There is a story in this section that I think is worth sharing. Although the story involves Christmas, it could be about making a simcha or forgoing social expectations from what you serve or wear on yom tov, to what you do with your kids in the summer, to what you wear on your head:
"Radical change in the quest for approval, which has involved purchasing stuff with money we don't have, is required for a money breakthrough. Sara's breakthrough came with family. Her family was upper-middle-crust and had always given Christmas gifts to every member. With twenty nieces and nephews and six sets of adults to buy for, just on her side, the budget was ridiculous. Sara's announcement at Thanksgiving that this year Christmas giving was going to be done with the drawing of names, because she and Bob couldn't afford it, was earth-shattering. Some of you are grinning as if this is no big deal. It was a huge deal in Sara's family! Gift giving was a tradition! Her mother and two of her sisters-in-law were furious. Very little thanks were given that Thanksgiving, but Sara stood her ground and said, "No more.""
The Plan
Now that I've completed the (rather lengthy) introduction I will quickly outline the plan that Dave Ramsey recommends for getting out of debt and building long-term wealth which he calls Baby Steps. I am presenting the Baby Steps in brief. Plenty of questions are asked and answered in this section. If this plan is of interest, read the book!
1. Save $1,000 Fast: To inspire confidence you need to get started and focus your efforts. He recommends getting your hands on $1000, the baby emergency fund because "it is going to rain." Whatever it takes to get $1,000 of cash in your hands, do it. Have a garage sale, return stuff, work some extra shifts, cut coupons, etc. Once you've got it, hide it and keep it liquid.
[Shocking States: 49% of Americans could cover less than one month's expenses if they lost their income].
2. The Debt Snowball: Debt is the enemy and the goal is to eliminate all debt with the exception of the mortgage. Dave recommends lining up all the debts owed by amount and start paying them off from smallest to largest, while making minimum payments on all larger loans. I do have a quibble with this (see below), but he bases his method on inspiring confidence in one's abilities rather than on interest calculations which he calls "behavior modification over math." He has worked with many people and has observed that small victories lead to larger victories. The way to get the snowball rolling, of course, entails radical action and a lot of beans and rice.
3. Finish the Emergency Fund: Kick Murphy Out. "Murphy" is a play on Murphy's law. Dave writes, "an emergency fund can turn crises into inconveniences." Dave recommends a three to six month emergency fund of money needed to pay expenses if you lose your income. He mentions that women are more security oriented and that this step will improve many a marriage.
4. Maximize Retirement Investing. Here Dave recommends 15% of income be saved for retirement. First you put away in a 401(k) what your employer will match, followed by the remainder in a ROTH IRA if you quality. He has a nice (but simplistic) chart which clearly demonstrates just how much easier it is to put away small amounts when you are younger.
5. College Funding. I'm going to keep this section really brief. Dave hates student loans, as do I, and recommends figuring out how to do without. Note that saving for college follows saving for retirement. And Dave likes ESA's (Coverdells) over 529s because of the flexibility of investing.
6. Pay Off the Home Mortgage. Here he points out that the tax savings from a mortgage don't justify paying the interest and that leveraging your home isn't the way to make money. We all like to reduce our taxes, but it doesn't make sense to pay more interest in order to pay fewer taxes (a point finance and accounting professors will make which, unlike leveraging your home, is financially sound for those who want to follow Grandma's Money Rules).
7. Build wealth and have FUN. Once you have set up a strong foundation and have built some wealth through investing, there is no reason not to have some fun. It could be a new toy, being super-duper charitable, or a combination while making wealth a blessing, not a curse. Dave notes that wealth comes with responsibility and warns against "affluenza."
All in all, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND this book as a motivator for getting out of debt or just developing a philosphy toward personal finance. I would not use it as an investment manual (see note below). Many readers write me with questions and I am so thankful to my readers for introducing me to this book because I think it presents a simple and healthy view on how to approach finances including the spiritual.
I do have more Dave Ramsey posts coming up, so stay tuned.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like I said, I love this book, but I do have a few quibbles, which in the scheme of things aren't anything major which is why I am noting them in small print:
1. I don't like carrying cash, so I have a hard time jumping on that train. That said, I do not recommend taking out a credit card until you have established consistent and frugal spending habits. And I would also say that anyone who has reached the end of the month and found themselves unable to pay their card off in full should immediately start using cash and checks. The same goes for anyone seeing their savings falling in a quarterly period.
2. I think the 15 year mortgage is fantastic, but I can't seem to jump on that train either. A 15-year mortgage would be quite a squeeze for most young people buying into my neighborhood, even if they really have it together. I do recommend budgeting extra each month, but I think the emergency fund wins out over the 15 year mortgage.
3. Dave Ramsey rules against loaning money to friends and relatives as it creates a master/servant relationship and ultimately destroys relationships. (He does not opposed gifting under certain circumstances). This is a tough one to reconcile with what we have been taught about the mitzvah of lending. However, now that I've had time to digest his thoughts and think about some real life situations I know of, I think he brings forward a good point. Certainly that halacha takes into account the changed relationships as you must be careful about not even walking by the home of the person you have lent to unecessarily so as to not badger. Personally I think there is a lot to be said for free loan societies that serve as a middle man between the giver and receiver.
4. Dave Ramsey reminds the reader that over time the stock market averages 12%. While I do believe in investing, I don't ever make my calculations based on such a high return. As such, it is hard for me (a lazy investor) to get worked up about pre-paid college plans for example. I think Dave Ramsey has solid advice, but I look to him more for solving the debt issues rather than the investing puzzle.
5. As a math person, I have a hard time buying into a debt snowball that pays off debt according to the amount due, rather than the APR. But I do understand the reason he recommend this method, but I would probably recommend a hybrid method after building some confidence.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Book Review: Strapped: Why America’s 20- and 30-Somethings Can’t Get Ahead
by Tamara Draut
(Please also see the Guest Post on Life Insurance following this post).
I keep walking by this book on the library shelf. Tempted to pick it up and give it a quick read, I've passed on the opportunity. Fortunately finance blogger TheFinanceBuff has posted his own 6 part review and I can see that my initial guess about what the contents would be was correct. I guessed the book detail financial stories of young people showing that they can't get ahead because of external factors when much of their problem (certainly not all of it) is their own fiscal behavior. I also correctly guessed that the author would then conclude with a call for more government action, rather than a cry for personal responsibility, which is a cry we could use more of.
Seems my guess was right on the money. The Finance Buff recommends highly against this book writing, "1 star, harmful more than helpful. Getting hung up on entitlement and developing a victim mentality will not help our younger generation get ahead." Couldn't agree more. Seems this conclusion has been echoed on my blog on a weekly basis no less in regards to the frum community.
The reason I bring the review to my own pages is to outline how financial trouble starts brewing. While the stories in the book are not profiling frum Jews, the patterns are similiar. If you want to get ahead, don't do what the people in this book are doing.
The Finance Buff's reviews include the following:
Stories from Strapped: College Education
Here is the secular version of the frum story I've seen:
Renee’s parents couldn’t afford to pay for her college, so she attended community college while working full time and supporting an unemployed boyfriend. A new job created conflicts with her class schedule. She dropped out with $4,500 in student loans. Four years later she’s still paying the loan. Without a college degree, Renee works as a legal secretary earning $28,000 a year. Renee regrets not being able to earn a four-year degree.
Renee's problem is not the small student loan, although she would be better off without it. Renee's problem is that she is trying to support two people on her own low salary and because her boyfriend isn't financially contributing, she has no time to plan for the future because there are bills coming due now. If Renee was frum, she might be trying to support a husband (either in kollel or in training for parnasah post-kollel) and young children on her low salary. And in addition to having more mouths to feed, she has daycare bills to pay, tuition bills looming, a minivan that has been financed because she needs to run carpool, and she can't get onto a career path with more potential because there are simply too many balls in the air at once. Renee should be able to turn her situation around rather quickly. I'm not so sure about her frum counterpart unfortunately.
Stories from Strapped: Paycheck
The author is trying to make the case in Chapter 2 that young people can't get ahead because they lack good jobs. No doubt that the global economy and outsourcing have made it harder to compete. But the stories to prove the case do anything but.
Here is the secular story:
Susan had seven jobs in six years after she graduated from college. She quit her first job because she wanted to live close to her future husband. She left her second job because another job offered a higher salary, and she quit her third job because the hours were too long. She left her fourth job because a startup gave her substantially higher salary and commission. After the startup failed, she was unemployed for a while. Then she got into retail, her sixth job. She left the retail job for law school. Now she works for a non-profit while attending law school.
With the exception of being laid off, Susan's inability to command a better salary doesn't have to do with lack of work, but rather her inability to stick with the same employer for an extended period of time.
I met the frum version of this story more than once when I was dating. It came in the form of young men who blamed the Yeshiva system for not encouraging them to pursue higher education, yet the higher education wouldn't have helped them get off the starting block because they would up and leave their employers regularly. One man around 30 years old who I spoke with seemed very lovely. When I asked about jobs, it turned out he had 10 jobs in his 10 years job history. He wished he would make more money. But, employees who don't stick around much past the time frame it takes to train them, don't tend to get raises. Other times the story revolves around a young man who sincerely wants to learn, but also wants to work and bounces between jobs and Yeshiva, settling into neither one.
I don't find the girls to bounce as much, but that often changes with marriage. Today it is popular for young couples to take a year to learn in Eretz Yisrael. The wife, barely into her career path moves. Perhaps the most dramatic bouncing I have seen was a young couple that lived in three locations in three years, each move coming with a change in kollel. The wife had taken on sole support, but of course was switching jobs like no tomorrow. . . . and she threw in some maternity leaves for good measure. I can only imagine that despite having taken on the primary earner role, she has been placed on the "Mommy track."
Stories from Strapped: Debt
The author makes the case that young people can't get ahead because they are strapped with debt, student debt and consumer debt.
Here is the secular story:
Lori, a 33-year-old living in Manhattan, still has $40,000 in student loans debt. She earned only $16,000 a year in her first job as a social worker and community organizer in New York. Her income "inched upward" over time but it’s still not enough to pay all her bills and loan payment. So she deferred payments on her student loans.
The frum version of the story is a young modern Orthodox lady who is working as a teacher's assistant, yet must live on the Upper West Side because she believes this is the place she must be to get married, yet her salary is not at all commensurate with living in one of the most expensive locales in the US. She also has student loans that are astronomical because she had to go to college in New York in order to get married.
Starting to see a theme? Once our friend gets married, her story starts to resemble those of Elaine, David and Lisa who have used their credit cards to fund furniture, weddings, and traveling for friends weddings.
Stories from Strapped: Housing
Did I mention weddings? Here the author makes the case that Housing is Too Expensive. I'd agree that housing is a stretch, even moreso for frum families who can't live just anywhere. But, the house of cards isn't just toppling because of housing costs, it is toppling because other expensive choices are being piled onto a shaky house. And some of those stories are about putting on weddings that couldn't be paid for in cash.
I'd say the secular and the frum stories have a similar ring. Debt undertaken in the name of marriage or to get to friends weddings. The difference might be that the major portion of wedding debt in the frum world is undertaken by parents, so one could say that this is a reason America's frum 40, 50, and 60-somethings can't get ahead and/or are sinking in a sea of debt. Even the travel costs to weddings are often undertaken by the parents of bochurim, or perhaps even the parents of the chatan as we learned in this post. Nonetheless, between the costs of dating, marriage, and being mesameach your friends, plenty of money is expended.
Stories from Strapped: Child Care
In this chapter, the author makes the case "and baby makes broke." Can't argue with the author that child care is expensive; darn expensive. Unsurprisingly, the author proposes the cost of childcare be undertaken by big brother.
The secular story and the frum story have a similar ring, but in the frum story "big brother" is the childcare provider who some feel should be doing a chessed and providing cheap care. Of course, in the frum story the costs are multiplied many times over, normally by 2, sometimes by 4, and even by 5 and 6. . . . .and then comes tuition and camp (which is not considered a necessity, not a luxury as we are continually being told).
Regarding the feeling that those who provide childcare are providing a chessed, my friends are always talking about how terrible it is that (frum) childcare providers charge so much (as if they don't have families of their own to feed). My friends also complain there are just simply not enough Jewish and frum childcare providers. My friends whoare have been frum childcare providers tell me they have said enough because they didn't get paid on time, that the mothers were constantly asking for discounts because they "can't afford" so much (note to any babysitters out there. . . . never, ever, ever agree to give one mother a discount because it will come back to bite you when every other mother wants the same deal because people talk), that they were constantly being pressured into providing additional hours that the provider had specifically specified she would not do, and that they felt like shmattas by the end of the experience.
Conclusion
It is by no means easy to get ahead and stay ahead in this competitive world. But none of these stories are really about people who can't get ahead at all. They are stories about people who won't get ahead because they are making very expensive choices and are loosing financial ground while those making more frugal choices are gaining financial ground.
No doubt that in the frum world we have more limited choices. But, within those choices, we can't squander the parnasah that Hashem grants us. It is wonderful to have large and larger families. It is wonderful to attend friends weddings. It is wonderful to buy nice furnishings, clothing, etc. But, choices have to be made and if you make too many expensive choices equals broke.
I agree with the author that books like this do nothing but promote a victim mentality. I do hope my blog promotes a feeling of empowerment, because empowerment is what is needed to gain some footing in a tough world.
by Tamara Draut
(Please also see the Guest Post on Life Insurance following this post).
I keep walking by this book on the library shelf. Tempted to pick it up and give it a quick read, I've passed on the opportunity. Fortunately finance blogger TheFinanceBuff has posted his own 6 part review and I can see that my initial guess about what the contents would be was correct. I guessed the book detail financial stories of young people showing that they can't get ahead because of external factors when much of their problem (certainly not all of it) is their own fiscal behavior. I also correctly guessed that the author would then conclude with a call for more government action, rather than a cry for personal responsibility, which is a cry we could use more of.
Seems my guess was right on the money. The Finance Buff recommends highly against this book writing, "1 star, harmful more than helpful. Getting hung up on entitlement and developing a victim mentality will not help our younger generation get ahead." Couldn't agree more. Seems this conclusion has been echoed on my blog on a weekly basis no less in regards to the frum community.
The reason I bring the review to my own pages is to outline how financial trouble starts brewing. While the stories in the book are not profiling frum Jews, the patterns are similiar. If you want to get ahead, don't do what the people in this book are doing.
The Finance Buff's reviews include the following:
Stories from Strapped: College Education
Here is the secular version of the frum story I've seen:
Renee’s parents couldn’t afford to pay for her college, so she attended community college while working full time and supporting an unemployed boyfriend. A new job created conflicts with her class schedule. She dropped out with $4,500 in student loans. Four years later she’s still paying the loan. Without a college degree, Renee works as a legal secretary earning $28,000 a year. Renee regrets not being able to earn a four-year degree.
Renee's problem is not the small student loan, although she would be better off without it. Renee's problem is that she is trying to support two people on her own low salary and because her boyfriend isn't financially contributing, she has no time to plan for the future because there are bills coming due now. If Renee was frum, she might be trying to support a husband (either in kollel or in training for parnasah post-kollel) and young children on her low salary. And in addition to having more mouths to feed, she has daycare bills to pay, tuition bills looming, a minivan that has been financed because she needs to run carpool, and she can't get onto a career path with more potential because there are simply too many balls in the air at once. Renee should be able to turn her situation around rather quickly. I'm not so sure about her frum counterpart unfortunately.
Stories from Strapped: Paycheck
The author is trying to make the case in Chapter 2 that young people can't get ahead because they lack good jobs. No doubt that the global economy and outsourcing have made it harder to compete. But the stories to prove the case do anything but.
Here is the secular story:
Susan had seven jobs in six years after she graduated from college. She quit her first job because she wanted to live close to her future husband. She left her second job because another job offered a higher salary, and she quit her third job because the hours were too long. She left her fourth job because a startup gave her substantially higher salary and commission. After the startup failed, she was unemployed for a while. Then she got into retail, her sixth job. She left the retail job for law school. Now she works for a non-profit while attending law school.
With the exception of being laid off, Susan's inability to command a better salary doesn't have to do with lack of work, but rather her inability to stick with the same employer for an extended period of time.
I met the frum version of this story more than once when I was dating. It came in the form of young men who blamed the Yeshiva system for not encouraging them to pursue higher education, yet the higher education wouldn't have helped them get off the starting block because they would up and leave their employers regularly. One man around 30 years old who I spoke with seemed very lovely. When I asked about jobs, it turned out he had 10 jobs in his 10 years job history. He wished he would make more money. But, employees who don't stick around much past the time frame it takes to train them, don't tend to get raises. Other times the story revolves around a young man who sincerely wants to learn, but also wants to work and bounces between jobs and Yeshiva, settling into neither one.
I don't find the girls to bounce as much, but that often changes with marriage. Today it is popular for young couples to take a year to learn in Eretz Yisrael. The wife, barely into her career path moves. Perhaps the most dramatic bouncing I have seen was a young couple that lived in three locations in three years, each move coming with a change in kollel. The wife had taken on sole support, but of course was switching jobs like no tomorrow. . . . and she threw in some maternity leaves for good measure. I can only imagine that despite having taken on the primary earner role, she has been placed on the "Mommy track."
Stories from Strapped: Debt
The author makes the case that young people can't get ahead because they are strapped with debt, student debt and consumer debt.
Here is the secular story:
Lori, a 33-year-old living in Manhattan, still has $40,000 in student loans debt. She earned only $16,000 a year in her first job as a social worker and community organizer in New York. Her income "inched upward" over time but it’s still not enough to pay all her bills and loan payment. So she deferred payments on her student loans.
The frum version of the story is a young modern Orthodox lady who is working as a teacher's assistant, yet must live on the Upper West Side because she believes this is the place she must be to get married, yet her salary is not at all commensurate with living in one of the most expensive locales in the US. She also has student loans that are astronomical because she had to go to college in New York in order to get married.
Starting to see a theme? Once our friend gets married, her story starts to resemble those of Elaine, David and Lisa who have used their credit cards to fund furniture, weddings, and traveling for friends weddings.
Stories from Strapped: Housing
Did I mention weddings? Here the author makes the case that Housing is Too Expensive. I'd agree that housing is a stretch, even moreso for frum families who can't live just anywhere. But, the house of cards isn't just toppling because of housing costs, it is toppling because other expensive choices are being piled onto a shaky house. And some of those stories are about putting on weddings that couldn't be paid for in cash.
I'd say the secular and the frum stories have a similar ring. Debt undertaken in the name of marriage or to get to friends weddings. The difference might be that the major portion of wedding debt in the frum world is undertaken by parents, so one could say that this is a reason America's frum 40, 50, and 60-somethings can't get ahead and/or are sinking in a sea of debt. Even the travel costs to weddings are often undertaken by the parents of bochurim, or perhaps even the parents of the chatan as we learned in this post. Nonetheless, between the costs of dating, marriage, and being mesameach your friends, plenty of money is expended.
Stories from Strapped: Child Care
In this chapter, the author makes the case "and baby makes broke." Can't argue with the author that child care is expensive; darn expensive. Unsurprisingly, the author proposes the cost of childcare be undertaken by big brother.
The secular story and the frum story have a similar ring, but in the frum story "big brother" is the childcare provider who some feel should be doing a chessed and providing cheap care. Of course, in the frum story the costs are multiplied many times over, normally by 2, sometimes by 4, and even by 5 and 6. . . . .and then comes tuition and camp (which is not considered a necessity, not a luxury as we are continually being told).
Regarding the feeling that those who provide childcare are providing a chessed, my friends are always talking about how terrible it is that (frum) childcare providers charge so much (as if they don't have families of their own to feed). My friends also complain there are just simply not enough Jewish and frum childcare providers. My friends who
Conclusion
It is by no means easy to get ahead and stay ahead in this competitive world. But none of these stories are really about people who can't get ahead at all. They are stories about people who won't get ahead because they are making very expensive choices and are loosing financial ground while those making more frugal choices are gaining financial ground.
No doubt that in the frum world we have more limited choices. But, within those choices, we can't squander the parnasah that Hashem grants us. It is wonderful to have large and larger families. It is wonderful to attend friends weddings. It is wonderful to buy nice furnishings, clothing, etc. But, choices have to be made and if you make too many expensive choices equals broke.
I agree with the author that books like this do nothing but promote a victim mentality. I do hope my blog promotes a feeling of empowerment, because empowerment is what is needed to gain some footing in a tough world.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Book Review in Honor of Purim: No!
I recently finished reading a book called No! Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsch PhD. With Purim a week away, Orthodox media from papers to blogs to list serves are buzzing about the dangers of drinking and intoxication, especially amongst teenagers. I think the uninhibited and danger use of alcohol amongst many teenage boys on Purim is part of a larger problem, the inability for parents to say "No!" to their children. But it is not just the parents, it is the inability of an entire community to say "No!" and set appropriate limits, which is ironic given the number of things that the klal can say "No!" to.*
Long time readers know just how important I think saying "No!" is. So, when I found out there is an entire book dedicated to the concept of "No!," I decided a trip to the library was in short order. This book introduces some basic science of the brain which gives a new dimension to understanding child development and the importance of setting and enforcing limits, with an emphasis on building relationships with your children. The book explains just how vital limits are for raising disciplined, productive adults. Each chapter has a yes/no checklist, some dos and don'ts, and practical advise which helps sum of the information presented in each chapter. The book is an easy read and the author does not get bogged down in scientific terms or psychological jargon. The book is much more of a warm chat over a cup of tea.
The chapters are as follows with some brief notes on the chapter in green:
1. No: Why Kids Need It (Looks at changes in culture, the potential economic impact of low expectations and swollen expectations, and more).
2. Saying No is a Yes Culture (Looks at the challenges from media and advertising in an "instant gratification" culture. Looks at the shrinking attention span as it relates to a culture where children are conditioned to expect instant rewards, be entertained, no have to suffer discomfort, etc. Talks about the important of frustration, pain, and discomfort for building positive character traits).
3. No and the Brain (A short science lesson on brain development, experience and wiring the brain, windows of opportunity and windows of sensitivity).
4. Self-Esteem: Kids Need the Real Thing (An important chapter in my opinion. The self-esteem movement of the 1980's and 1990's has definitely made its way into the frum community and seems to be here to roost. This subject deserves its own treatment in a future post. This chapter looks at self-esteem myths and the importance of attaining the real thing and how to foster it).
5. Styles of Parenting (Husband and Wife working together, building strong emotional connections with children, helping children take charge of their life, staying out of endless negotiations with children).
6. A Baby's First Year: A Time to Connect (Importance of connection and security, Warning against electronic baby media).
7. Toddlers and Preschoolers: Limits and Consequences (Big changes, offering choices, helping children balances their will with the needs of others, consistency, attention getters, impulse control) .
8. Catching Kids Being Good: The Middle Years (Getting out of a Rut, Saying No in other ways, Traps to avoid: doing things for kids they can do themselves, put-downs, overprotection).
9. The Teenage Years: Loosen but Don't Let Go (Teenage Brain under construction, Helping kids put on the breaks, "Neurons that fire together wire together," Importance of Parental Unity or "It Takes a Village to Say No," Chemical Substances an the Teenage Brain).
10. Wired Differently: Special-Needs Children and No
11. Practical Questions about No (Different Ways to Say No, handling tantrums and the importance of not rewarding them, handling defiance, behavior contracts for issues beyond the pale).
12. Taming the Gimmes (Branding, media messages, "Share, Save, Spend" Plan, Thank Yous, high entitlement/low appreciation, allowances should be tied to chores).
13. Raising Media Wise Kids
14. No is Not a Destination; No Is the Road to Yes
Back to the subject of Purim. The Book No! references a study in the footnotes to back up the assertion that "Teen brains are more sensitive to the effects of chemical substances." The study's title is "Age Dependent Inhibition of Long-term Potentiation by Ethanol in Immature vs. Mature Hippocampus," in the Alcohol Clinical Experimental Research 19:1480-1485 (1995) by H. Swartzwelder, W. Wilson, and M. Tayyeb. I found this information online that quotes from this study. The very short of the complicated long is that brain development continues until the mid-20's and that the teenage brain has various growth spurs and is not fully developed as previously believed and is therefore vulnerable to chemicals. Alcohol affects the teenager differently than it affects the adult. Teenager's motor coordination is less affected than adults, but their short term memory and learning is more negatively impacted. Decreased affect on motor coordination allows teenagers to drink more and develop higher BAC levels than adults. Research such as this should be must reads for frum parents of teenagers.
The countdown to Purim is on. Time to figure out how the most effective way to set and enforce limits during the balagan that is Purim in some communities.
*See ProfK's Pre-Purim Rant "Take Cover" where she takes a look at the women's responsibility in this whole mess and tells the wives and mothers that this is one of the battles to fight in a marriage.
I recently finished reading a book called No! Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsch PhD. With Purim a week away, Orthodox media from papers to blogs to list serves are buzzing about the dangers of drinking and intoxication, especially amongst teenagers. I think the uninhibited and danger use of alcohol amongst many teenage boys on Purim is part of a larger problem, the inability for parents to say "No!" to their children. But it is not just the parents, it is the inability of an entire community to say "No!" and set appropriate limits, which is ironic given the number of things that the klal can say "No!" to.*
Long time readers know just how important I think saying "No!" is. So, when I found out there is an entire book dedicated to the concept of "No!," I decided a trip to the library was in short order. This book introduces some basic science of the brain which gives a new dimension to understanding child development and the importance of setting and enforcing limits, with an emphasis on building relationships with your children. The book explains just how vital limits are for raising disciplined, productive adults. Each chapter has a yes/no checklist, some dos and don'ts, and practical advise which helps sum of the information presented in each chapter. The book is an easy read and the author does not get bogged down in scientific terms or psychological jargon. The book is much more of a warm chat over a cup of tea.
The chapters are as follows with some brief notes on the chapter in green:
1. No: Why Kids Need It (Looks at changes in culture, the potential economic impact of low expectations and swollen expectations, and more).
2. Saying No is a Yes Culture (Looks at the challenges from media and advertising in an "instant gratification" culture. Looks at the shrinking attention span as it relates to a culture where children are conditioned to expect instant rewards, be entertained, no have to suffer discomfort, etc. Talks about the important of frustration, pain, and discomfort for building positive character traits).
3. No and the Brain (A short science lesson on brain development, experience and wiring the brain, windows of opportunity and windows of sensitivity).
4. Self-Esteem: Kids Need the Real Thing (An important chapter in my opinion. The self-esteem movement of the 1980's and 1990's has definitely made its way into the frum community and seems to be here to roost. This subject deserves its own treatment in a future post. This chapter looks at self-esteem myths and the importance of attaining the real thing and how to foster it).
5. Styles of Parenting (Husband and Wife working together, building strong emotional connections with children, helping children take charge of their life, staying out of endless negotiations with children).
6. A Baby's First Year: A Time to Connect (Importance of connection and security, Warning against electronic baby media).
7. Toddlers and Preschoolers: Limits and Consequences (Big changes, offering choices, helping children balances their will with the needs of others, consistency, attention getters, impulse control) .
8. Catching Kids Being Good: The Middle Years (Getting out of a Rut, Saying No in other ways, Traps to avoid: doing things for kids they can do themselves, put-downs, overprotection).
9. The Teenage Years: Loosen but Don't Let Go (Teenage Brain under construction, Helping kids put on the breaks, "Neurons that fire together wire together," Importance of Parental Unity or "It Takes a Village to Say No," Chemical Substances an the Teenage Brain).
10. Wired Differently: Special-Needs Children and No
11. Practical Questions about No (Different Ways to Say No, handling tantrums and the importance of not rewarding them, handling defiance, behavior contracts for issues beyond the pale).
12. Taming the Gimmes (Branding, media messages, "Share, Save, Spend" Plan, Thank Yous, high entitlement/low appreciation, allowances should be tied to chores).
13. Raising Media Wise Kids
14. No is Not a Destination; No Is the Road to Yes
Back to the subject of Purim. The Book No! references a study in the footnotes to back up the assertion that "Teen brains are more sensitive to the effects of chemical substances." The study's title is "Age Dependent Inhibition of Long-term Potentiation by Ethanol in Immature vs. Mature Hippocampus," in the Alcohol Clinical Experimental Research 19:1480-1485 (1995) by H. Swartzwelder, W. Wilson, and M. Tayyeb. I found this information online that quotes from this study. The very short of the complicated long is that brain development continues until the mid-20's and that the teenage brain has various growth spurs and is not fully developed as previously believed and is therefore vulnerable to chemicals. Alcohol affects the teenager differently than it affects the adult. Teenager's motor coordination is less affected than adults, but their short term memory and learning is more negatively impacted. Decreased affect on motor coordination allows teenagers to drink more and develop higher BAC levels than adults. Research such as this should be must reads for frum parents of teenagers.
The countdown to Purim is on. Time to figure out how the most effective way to set and enforce limits during the balagan that is Purim in some communities.
*See ProfK's Pre-Purim Rant "Take Cover" where she takes a look at the women's responsibility in this whole mess and tells the wives and mothers that this is one of the battles to fight in a marriage.
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