Totally Unprofessional:
Cell Phones in the Classroom

I was at an event when a cell phone started playing a tune. Someone remarked on the tune and the owner of the cell phone, a teacher in a girls' high school, proceeded to tell the group how she pays a dollar to download different rings on her cell phone because it entertains her students when her phone goes off in class.

Well, let me tell you. . . . I am NOT entertained. Not only am I not entertained, but I am angry. Parents pay $15,000 a year for this? This is so unprofessional that I don't even know where to begin. And I know this is no isolated case: she isn't the only teacher with a cell phone attached to at the hip and ear during class time (although I do hope she is the only one wasting funds on the downloads).

Such interruptions basically guarantee that the precious little time in class that is not already wasted by tardiness, behavior, bureaucracy, or other events, is interrupted by breaking up the flow.

A friend of mine defended teachers having cell phones in the classroom saying there could be an emergency. This friend is a good deal younger than me (especially in 'tech time'), so perhaps she has forgot that schools have a secretary sitting at the front desk whose responsibility it is to answer the phone.

Back in the old days, we all managed somehow. I think we should demand cell phone free classrooms, both teachers and students.

Kedushat Yom Tov: Nannies at the Park on Yom Tov

(Blogging will be light during the aseret yamai teshuvah. Anything I post will hopefully be reflective in nature or of interest to the Mommy Crew (i.e. cooking, Yom Tov organization, etc)).

When I arrived at the park on the first day of Yom Tov I was taken aback. I know that in some communities it is commonplace to see non-Jewish nannies in the park on Shabbat or Yom Tov with Jewish children in tow. It is not so in our community. While there are those women who leave their children with their nanny while they go to shul because they "already paid for that day," I can't remember ever seeing the Nannies at our local park on a Chag.

One of the pleasures of living in a heavily shomer Shabbat neighborhood is taking the kids to the park on a yom tov. Not only do my kids have other kids to play with, but I can socialize with the other mothers while my kids play. Of course the park is open to everyone as it must and should be, but it really is a pleasure to be in a park where everyone is shomer Shabbat and there is a beautiful yom tov atmosphere.

However, when I arrived at the park (around a normal time or even a tad bit late) I saw kids that I recognized, but only one or two other parents at the other end of the park. Instead, we were greeted by nannies on cell phones/walkie talkie phones taking care of Jewish kids we've seen around the neighborhood, some as old as 6 or 7 years old. It was hardly a yom tov environment I was expecting and my spirit was lowered a bit.

Now, we are hardly extreme, but I think it is confusing for young children to see other Jewish children (as evidenced by the kippot, etc) surrounded by adults on cell phones. Now I understand that the demands on mothers today are extreme and I understand that some mothers do need extra help even on or especially on yom tov. I also understand that some mothers really desire to go to shul on the yamim noriam and resort to using help.

But, what makes my heart break is seeing Orthodox children, some of whom are attending the frummer schools, being placed into an environment where kedushat yom tov has been essentially removed. And, while I don't want to be harsh during this sensitive time, I must admit that it makes me a bit angry that frum parents would send their nanny complete with a ringing cell phone to the park on a yom tov knowing that plenty, if not the majority, of young mothers from the community would be there with their young children (many of whom are just learning about how Shabbat/Yom Tov is observed). While I don't expect a non-Jew visiting the park independently to conform to our rules, I do wish that those mothers who have decided to employ help during the chagim would have a bit of sensitivity and help maintain the environment of kedushat yom tov that is created and is such a pleasure.

Your thoughts?

Carving Out Quality Time

Rabbi Horowitz's question for next week is posted on his website. The question comes from a set of parents of four children, ages 2 to 9, who recognize the importance of spending time with their children, but can't seem to find any. The parents states: "Balancing our career, family and social obligations – as well as doing homework, carpooling, arranging play dates, attending parent-teacher conferences – is a bit overwhelming at times." They then ask, "Do you have any practical tips for spending quality time with your children when there does not seem to be much in the way of quantity?. "

I think that this is a question that so many American parents are asking. However, the challenge seems to be particularly acute for Orthodox parents as family sizes are far larger, school days are far longer, and Shabbat and Chagim require a tremendous amounts of preparation.

It probably isn't fair of me to offer much of a critique since I have yet to walk in the shoes of dual income families. But I think the subject is important enough to offer a few ideas.

I personally don't believe that "quality time" can be created artificially. I believe that quality stems from quantity and it just happens. In other words, time is like energy, it has "potential," but that potential might not ever be used. So my own ideas of how to create quality time would revolve around creating "quantity time."

Here are some of my ideas:

1. Free Up Our Own Time.

It would be very easy to say to parents, have one parent leave the workplace and become a full time homemaker, people don't take well to suggestions that they are not open to or that won't work for them for whatever reason. Also, there are some parents that do replace work with other commitments, so that in and of itself isn't much of a suggestion. So, while I won't suggest making any major changes in employment (although it is tempting, especially in some cases such as when parents spend much of their time on travel), I will suggest looking at how we spend the rest of our time. That said, I think there are many parents out there who need to reconsider their "social obligations" or other communal commitments and extracurriculars.

A while back, I went to a parenting talk at a local shul that featured a panel or speakers (a principal, a Rav, and a psychologist). All in all it was a worthwhile way to spend an evening. But, I wasn't so impressed by one of the panelists. Why? He accepted the social commitments of parents as a given! As an example to emulate, he told the audience about a very busy Rabbi and parent with whom he carpooled to an event. He was impressed that the Rabbi used 10 minutes (!) of his time to learn with a child over the phone. I was left saying, that is nice, but impressive it is not. The principal went on to tell us how we can use our "downtime" in the car going to and from our obligations as time we can use to bond with our children through learning.

To me, this suggestion was akin to suggesting replacing story time with a book on tape. Supplementing is one thing. But, one cannot replace human contact and it scares me that there are educators out there that take the easy way out and suggest we replace real time with our children with virtual time, via our cell phones. The other thing that really scared me was that the example brought to emulate was about "learning" with our children. Learning with our children is certainly important. But so is just talking with them.

Another area to be wary of as parents biting off too much. Some people like to talk about just how "amazing" the "superwoman" with 6 or 8 kids who works full time or nearly full time, is involved with numerous school and shul committees, bakes her own challah, and hosts guests every week. In life, something has to go. And, I have seen cases where the children or the marriage is what goes.

2. Limit interruptions

Speaking of cell phones, how about not answering every call (or even more radical, leave it home). Let's start talking to our kids and once we are talking, not letting the conversation be constantly interrupted.

When I was a new parent, I was in the grocery store chatting away with my then one year old and a Bubbe from the neighborhood approached me to tell me how wonderful it was to see a parent talking with their child and that parents today just don't do this. I'm not sure I ever noticed, but after this talk with a local Bubbe I realized that most parents go about their errands without a whole lot of interaction with their children. This is a missed opportunity and it is a real shame.

But worse yet, so many parents allow their cell phones to invade potential "quality time." So many parents spend the time with their children present only in body, as their cell phone is glued to the ear (sometimes quite literally). You'd think we were all high-level business executives or on-call doctors judging by our use of cell phones. No matter where you turn, there is a parent with a child who is on the phone: the park, the grocery, the car, the carpool lane. Some parents are so busy that they forget to say hello to their kids who are so busy talking on their phone that they forgot to say hello to their children before herding them into the car. Of course, I'd like to believe that each one of these parents is dealing with an emergency, but I know this isn't true.

3. Be Wary of Overscheduling Children:

I think it is fantastic to involve kids in activities that they really want to do. I had my activities growing up and I'm sure you did to. But, it seems that the modern parent has convinced themselves that their child needs to have every minute of their day occupied. I think that downtime and free time are vital to developing interests and it is better to hold off on putting kids into extracurriculars until they express an interest in getting involved. And even then, I think parents should make sure the amount that a child is biting off is reasonable.

Please add your ideas for carving out time here and put your comments on Rabbi Horowitz's website too. (Or, let the flaming begin).

Spare the IPod, Unspoil the Child:
A Great Read

My friend sent me this most excellent article with a note that it had to be posted on Orthonomics. I agree that this article is excellent. While frum parents may or may not be suffering from the same demands addressed in the articles (IPods, video games, and cell phones), the issues are universal and you are welcome to fill in a more appropriate demand (Bar Mitzvahs or Weddings that compete with the Goldberg's, the right camp, European clothing, designer suits, and more).

I think that it is important to remember that your spending does not affect just your own children (and children-in-law). When so many parents buy their eight year olds designer European clothing, it places pressure on those parents who don't want to do the same (or can't afford to do the same). Kol V'Chomer with smachot, especially weddings and everything that goes along with weddings, including the ridiculously long and expensive list of extravagant engagement gifts that are not "expected."

Since the Torah commands us to not oppress the poor, I think that in a society that is much more economically mixed that much of general society, it behooves us to be extra careful with our public spending. And, with children, many things can easily become public.

The article is posted below with a link to it's original source. And, look for more upcoming posts this week.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/04/15/AR2006041500165_pf.html

Spare the IPod, Unspoil the Child

By Michelle SingletarySunday, April 16, 2006; F01

As a parent, I know there are certain things I have had to get used to.
I know that children will always want what you know isn't good for them. They will relentlessly beg for things until your head nearly explodes.

They will nag for something before dinner that will ruin their appetites.

They will, if you let them, watch television from the time their tiny toes hit the floor in the morning until you drag them away from the set late at night.

However, what I didn't anticipate -- and what I can't get used to -- is dealing with the overindulgent decisions made by many of the parents of my children's friends and classmates.

I constantly have to listen to my children complain that so-and-so has the latest, greatest name-brand whatever. My 10-year-old daughter can't understand why I won't buy her an iPod.
Really, what 10-year-old has lived long enough to have a passion for hundreds of songs she just has to have in her hip pocket?

Don't even get me started on the pressure to compete with the birthday parties that are equivalent to coronations.

My 8-year-old son points out that all his friends have video-game systems or the handheld versions -- most of the time both.

Ever watch, really watch, kids play the games? It's a little scary. I consider them brain-freeze toys. I'm holding steady, but it's tough.

And it's not just about the money.

Okay, it is a lot about the money.

First, it's the initial outlay for the game system. But then there's the endless badgering to supply them with new games to feed their habit. Sorry, I'd rather put that money into my son's college fund.

Oh, and now we have the cellphone controversy in our house.

Can you believe my 10-year-old is incredulous that I won't get her a cellphone? All she wants to do is talk incessantly to her friends. We have a phone at home and she can talk to her friends during school hours for free.

When she argues that "everybody has one" she's exaggerating, but maybe not for long.
The "tween" market, defined as 8- to 12-year-olds, is the next growth opportunity for wireless carriers, according to the Yankee Group, a market research company.

Twenty-seven percent of tweens now have cellphones. The Yankee Group predicts that this market has the potential to double by 2010.

Why do these little people need cellphones? If you need to reach them when they are out of your care, it should be no problem because about 99.9 percent of the adults who should be supervising them will have cellphones that your children can borrow to call you.

I recently persuaded a couple to get rid of the cellphone for their 12-year-old daughter. I bumped into them at the movies and I couldn't help but notice that the girl had a cellphone plastered to her ear rather than conversing with her family. I asked her dad whom she was talking to.

"You know, I don't know," he said.

It was like a light bulb had come on over his head.

That child's cellphone bill was about $40 a month. Are you kidding me? If parents just saved that money, the cash they spend on monthly cellphone charges would add up to thousands of dollars by the time their children go to college. That would certainly help them buy books and supplies for four years of college.

Most recently, my 10-year-old was protesting that I hadn't planned to take her anywhere for spring break.

"It's just not fair," she whined. "All my friends are going on trips or doing exciting things on their spring break."

To which I said, "You want excitement? Read a book and you can live vicariously through the characters and their exciting lives."
She sulked. I saved.

Parents are spending so much to keep their children entertained that these young folks don't know how to entertain themselves with anything that doesn't cost money.

Right now there are debt-plagued parents parading through Disney World or Disneyland or some other vacation spot adding more charges to their credit cards to please their children.

How many times has your kid said, "I'm bored?" Translation: Buy me something. Take me somewhere. Buy me a cellphone. I need a new video game.

When they say they are bored, tell them to go read, or run outside, or learn how to enjoy being still.
Ultimately, this isn't just about saving for their college education or teaching your children to be money-smart. It's deeper than that.

Excessively spending on your children has the great potential to turn them into spendthrift adults or adults who can't be satisfied if they don't have what their friends or neighbors have at any cost.

I'm a conscientious objector to all this consumerism directed at my children. It's not good for them now or in the long-term.

So, if you are so-and-so's mom or dad, I'm begging you to exercise some financial restraint. Stop overindulging your children so I can have some peace in my house.