The Communal Cost of Big Money Mistakes

Hat Tip: The Jewish Worker

A few months back, one of the American Yated's regular columnists was asking readers to write in with their eitzot as to how to marry children off without going broke. Clearly, large families + massive wedding expenses do not bode well in the long-term, even where the money can be made available in the short-term. I had started a letter from an "outsider" of sorts, but in the end scrapped it. I figured there was little chance of having a letter published that read:

Advice on how to control wedding costs is readily available. Backbone is what is lacking.
Signed, SL

Maybe I should send my two sentence letter? Who doesn't love concise and to the point?

The Orthodox community as a whole is making far too many *Big Money Mistakes* and few are willing to say what needs to be said. One of the largest Big Money Mistakes clearly is the "dowry" system in which an Israeli family must offer an apartment in order to marry off their daughters. Many will still give and/or issue tzedakah teudot because "it is what it is.

The economist in me has a hard time accepting such reasoning as I believe that giving only propagates a system that will soon come back to bite us. (I know, I'm really mean!) I believe that if the money were not forthcoming, the behavior would change in a natural, organic way. There would be some pain, but it wouldn't be tremendous. Darn that economist in me. . . . . The economist in me also believes that should the behavior not change, the demands on the tzedakah pot would become far too drastic. Once again, darn that economist. . . . . .especially when her predictions are hitting the publications.

The Jewish Worker, via Mishpacha Magazine, reports on the changing the profile of your average tzedakah recipient.

According to Kupat Hair the profile of the recipient of Tzedaka has changed dramatically. In the past most of the people who needed tzedaka were people who had undergone some tragedy, someone died, got sick, divorce etc. the average Charedi was not rich but did not need support from Kupat Hair.

In the last few years this has changed dramatically. Most of the people who now get money from Kupat Hair are regular people who are poor because they married off their children. To marry off their children they had to buy them apartments and that put them under water. They borrowed money that they could not repay and now they need tzedaka (source Michpacha newspaper).

The "Solution" to a Problem: Throw Money at It

I caught this article in YNet where a hesder Rosh Yeshiva urges higher pay for shadchanim: "[Rabbi] Shapira believes that if parents would be willing to spend more money to reward those who introduced their child to his or her future spouse, this could significantly change the matchmaking scene. ."

Quite honestly, I don't think that the lack of significant pay for shadchanim is what is holding back greater communal involvement. Both Baltimore and Queens spring to mind as communities that are holding out a $2000 carrot to entice more community members to become active shadchanim. Unless I'm mistaken, there has not been any tremendous changes although there might be some greater involvement.

What is holding back greater communal involvement? Possibly the red tape that shadchanim have to cut through. There is the red tape from the boy's parents, the red tape from the boy, the red tape from the boy's Rosh Yeshiva, the red tape from the girl, the red tape from the girl's parents, and the red tape from some who advise the girl.

Trying to get two people out on a date can be very time consuming and frustrating. Nearly every time, the effort results in nothing (often not even a date!). The way I see it is that being involved in shidduchim is an act of chessed. If a person wants to make money. . . . . . they should find a job and draw a paycheck that they can count on.

What is also shocking about this suggestion is that it calls upon parents to pay more as if they all can but are holding back: "The rabbi said that while families usually invest tens of thousands of shekels on a wedding, they are more reluctant to pay the matchmakers who made the event possible." Note: While we should all be finding ways to cut back on wedding expenses, let's remember that overblown smachot are a beast largely of our own making.

My Torah knowledge is not such that I can challenge a Rosh Yeshiva, but is not hachnasat kallah for the poor or orphaned? Is it wise to encourage a solution that makes one candidate more valuable than another candidate?

It has been a while since I have been on a date with anyone other than my beloved, but I do recall that when I was dating that a friend told me that Chicago had shadchanim who were paid a salary by the community and couples who met through the services of the shadchanim donated to the fund to help others. I like this model. (Link).

Anyways, there are so many issues surrounding shidduchim, but I maintain my stance* that throwing money at the problem is not the solution.

*Flashback: This post reminds me of a past post (one of my most popular to the date), where I reviewed a proposal from a Yeshivish couple in which baalebatim are paired with less desirable girls (i.e. girls whose parents can't cough up the big bucks) to help them get more dates.