Shavout Vacation

A reader of this blog wrote to tell me that in addition to her children's school taking two day off for Shavout, they are taking off the entire day preceding and following Shavout. And, she is outraged. She is the primary breadwinner, leave time is more often than not zapped by illnesses, babysitting is an additional cost that is difficult to bare, and the school schedule simply isn't working.

I've written about school schedules before and have come to see that there is no schedule that will accommodate the needs of all parents, all the time. But it seems to me that an taking the day off before and after Shavout would be a large imposition on parents.

Towards the beginning of the school year, a friend of mine was going through her kids calendar and noted that with the exception of a 3 week cluster, that every week of the school was subject to some sort of day off, minimum, or early dismissal for Shabbat. I'm fortunate enough to be mostly able to work on my own schedule, with the support of my husband, but the more I become aware of the challenges of the calendar, the more I sympathize with the challenges so many families are facing. It seems to me that there are a lot of good dollars being lost to crazy schedules.

Those of us who are home can perform a great chessed for other families who are struggling with school and work schedules by opening our homes for short amounts of time when schools open late/closer early, need a 1/2 hour of supervision while waiting for carpool or a bus, or even taking some kid(s) from a struggling family for the day after Chag. Not everyone is able to extend a two day Yom Tov into a 4 day vacation.

More Excellent Advice for Job Seekers

In a previous guest post, I featured an article from Baltimore's Where What When regarding good career advice on getting a real education, understanding how economic value is created, and some advice on the hiring process.

Cross-Currents has up a post from a Mr. Rubin on "Advice for the Job Forlorn" which also is an honest assessment and resource for young men in our communities who are starting out on the employment track.

I think it is really important to disemintate solid advice that flies in the fact of faulty advice I've seen handed out like candy. A recent example of such faulty advice, directed to young frum males, was posted on a frum website (sorry, I can't remember the link). A writer advised young yeshiva students to bolster their resumes by listing their "experience" in leadership and organization as gabbaim, leaders of learning groups, etc. Such job advice is out there and readily available, but such advice flies in the face of advice offered by professionals and accessible in major publications. Employers much prefer an employee who lacks experience to simply be honest about their lack of experience, rather than "bolster" their resume where, upon hiring, the lack of experience is quickly uncovered. Bolstering a resume might serve a short term purpose, but in the end, it can shoot you in the foot when you don't live up to expectation. Unfortunately, one of my clients had such an experience recently.

These experiences, unfortunately, don't always just reflect badly on the employee. They are often projected onto a larger group, such as frum Jews as a whole, bochurim, or the newly religious. I found this out when I went on a job interview around a year ago. While the questions the owner of the firm asked me might have violated employment laws (the questions didn't bother me. . . I can hold my own in an interview), I could completely understand his reluctance to hire another person in the frum community. Unfortunately, I couldn't take the job because of scheduling issues as I really liked the environment and the opportunity to expand my skills, but it was nice to be able to clear up some misconceptions regarding normative halacha and practice and hopefully pave the way for the next frum person who might come and interview.

Here is the Cross-Currents advice:

As an employee for a large corporation within a mainstream Jewish community, I’ve had the opportunity to respond to many requests for job search assistance from both individuals and Jewish organizations dedicated to this effort. As a result of this experience, I feel compelled to share a few thoughts on what I believe to be a significant concern. Several of the candidates who have approached me have a number of critical issues they need to address before actually applying for a job. They prepare poorly written resumes which reveal very active Jewish lifestyles, ambiguous advanced degrees, and “work experience” which is debatable and irrelevant. I have tried to delicately communicate the following ideas to these candidates:

• A resume is not a recorded history of extra-curricular activities from 9th grade and onward. Each statement has to send a powerful message that is meaningful to the non-Jewish reader and will make he/she want to distinguish your resume from the other thousand on the pile.

• Identifying yourself as an Orthodox Jew (or a member of any other religious or ethnic group, for that matter) is not to your advantage. It is not wise to encourage the reader to believe you are different than the rest of the world and may have special needs. Either make an accomplishment religiously neutral or exclude it.

• Please face the fact that your degree gives you no skills or experience and market yourself accordingly. Whether you like it or not, you are competing with people who have serious skills and experience in addition to the requisite educational backgrounds, so plan accordingly. (I am not looking to condemn our current educational system but it is important to avoid the negligence of misunderstanding your status in the job market). You may have seen or heard a great deal about drunk, overindulgent degenerates without priorities but these will not be the people you are dealing with to earn a living.

These resumes are embarrassing and would demean any professional who thoughtlessly passed them on. Unfortunately, the situation becomes worse as I try to impart these messages. This is because these candidates choose not to listen. Instead they will usually apply to additional jobs and then e-mail me for assistance with getting an Interview. Even if I could bypass the resume stage and deliver them straight to an interview, I would never do so considering the striking shortage of social and emotional intelligence that they have displayed throughout this process. In addition to shortcomings in powerful statements that sell their skills, many of them do not have the social skills to conduct a conversation with me, let alone a non-Jewish employer who will have much less latitude or patience.

To summarize, I have been seeing a significant amount of untrained job seekers who have little to no marketable skills with degrees that clearly did not teach them to discuss their field in a manner that is anything less than embarrassing.

I realize that responders to statements like these have a tendency to rush to ideological bandwagons. Perhaps this clarification will save a bit of time. I attended Kollel for many years, then spent time in chinuch and am therefore familiar with the” landscape”. As I stated earlier I am not using this letter to bury or praise the “system”. Instead my purpose is to point out that there are many people exiting our educational systems who are drastically unprepared to enter the job market. Now more than ever, the Jewish community is being asked to facilitate this transition directly, by brokering opportunities for these job seekers, and indirectly by the urgent calls for funds from the struggling mosdos that these job seekers are a part of. (I am not suggesting that they or their children should be rejected from these mosdos Chas VeShalom, merely pointing out that this job search is ultimately being subsidized.) I have met way too many people whose preparation for the financial responsibilities of marriage and family consists of a series of anecdotes, incidental conversations and some seed money that eventually runs out. They seem to feel that earning a degree with an indistinct title is sufficient preparation for immediate hire. It is highly unfortunate that this fallacy must be pointed out at advanced stages of financial responsibility. Wouldn’t it behoove a student to ask an institution offering a degree about how it will prepare them for the job market? Might a conversation or two with an experienced professional in a desired field shed some light on whether a degree program is a waste of time or a valid first step into the job market? My recent experiences and the world economic situation demand that now more than ever, transition planning which emphasizes professional development, social/emotional intelligence and financial realities are imperative.

It is wonderful to see the manner in which the Jewish community is responding to the vital need for employment. However an important first step in this process might be to disabuse some notions about college degrees and career preparedness present in our midst.

Book Review: Strapped: Why America’s 20- and 30-Somethings Can’t Get Ahead
by Tamara Draut

(Please also see the Guest Post on Life Insurance following this post).

I keep walking by this book on the library shelf. Tempted to pick it up and give it a quick read, I've passed on the opportunity. Fortunately finance blogger TheFinanceBuff has posted his own 6 part review and I can see that my initial guess about what the contents would be was correct. I guessed the book detail financial stories of young people showing that they can't get ahead because of external factors when much of their problem (certainly not all of it) is their own fiscal behavior. I also correctly guessed that the author would then conclude with a call for more government action, rather than a cry for personal responsibility, which is a cry we could use more of.

Seems my guess was right on the money. The Finance Buff recommends highly against this book writing, "1 star, harmful more than helpful. Getting hung up on entitlement and developing a victim mentality will not help our younger generation get ahead." Couldn't agree more. Seems this conclusion has been echoed on my blog on a weekly basis no less in regards to the frum community.

The reason I bring the review to my own pages is to outline how financial trouble starts brewing. While the stories in the book are not profiling frum Jews, the patterns are similiar. If you want to get ahead, don't do what the people in this book are doing.

The Finance Buff's reviews include the following:

Stories from Strapped: College Education

Here is the secular version of the frum story I've seen:

Renee’s parents couldn’t afford to pay for her college, so she attended community college while working full time and supporting an unemployed boyfriend. A new job created conflicts with her class schedule. She dropped out with $4,500 in student loans. Four years later she’s still paying the loan. Without a college degree, Renee works as a legal secretary earning $28,000 a year. Renee regrets not being able to earn a four-year degree.

Renee's problem is not the small student loan, although she would be better off without it. Renee's problem is that she is trying to support two people on her own low salary and because her boyfriend isn't financially contributing, she has no time to plan for the future because there are bills coming due now. If Renee was frum, she might be trying to support a husband (either in kollel or in training for parnasah post-kollel) and young children on her low salary. And in addition to having more mouths to feed, she has daycare bills to pay, tuition bills looming, a minivan that has been financed because she needs to run carpool, and she can't get onto a career path with more potential because there are simply too many balls in the air at once. Renee should be able to turn her situation around rather quickly. I'm not so sure about her frum counterpart unfortunately.

Stories from Strapped: Paycheck

The author is trying to make the case in Chapter 2 that young people can't get ahead because they lack good jobs. No doubt that the global economy and outsourcing have made it harder to compete. But the stories to prove the case do anything but.

Here is the secular story:

Susan had seven jobs in six years after she graduated from college. She quit her first job because she wanted to live close to her future husband. She left her second job because another job offered a higher salary, and she quit her third job because the hours were too long. She left her fourth job because a startup gave her substantially higher salary and commission. After the startup failed, she was unemployed for a while. Then she got into retail, her sixth job. She left the retail job for law school. Now she works for a non-profit while attending law school.

With the exception of being laid off, Susan's inability to command a better salary doesn't have to do with lack of work, but rather her inability to stick with the same employer for an extended period of time.

I met the frum version of this story more than once when I was dating. It came in the form of young men who blamed the Yeshiva system for not encouraging them to pursue higher education, yet the higher education wouldn't have helped them get off the starting block because they would up and leave their employers regularly. One man around 30 years old who I spoke with seemed very lovely. When I asked about jobs, it turned out he had 10 jobs in his 10 years job history. He wished he would make more money. But, employees who don't stick around much past the time frame it takes to train them, don't tend to get raises. Other times the story revolves around a young man who sincerely wants to learn, but also wants to work and bounces between jobs and Yeshiva, settling into neither one.

I don't find the girls to bounce as much, but that often changes with marriage. Today it is popular for young couples to take a year to learn in Eretz Yisrael. The wife, barely into her career path moves. Perhaps the most dramatic bouncing I have seen was a young couple that lived in three locations in three years, each move coming with a change in kollel. The wife had taken on sole support, but of course was switching jobs like no tomorrow. . . . and she threw in some maternity leaves for good measure. I can only imagine that despite having taken on the primary earner role, she has been placed on the "Mommy track."

Stories from Strapped: Debt

The author makes the case that young people can't get ahead because they are strapped with debt, student debt and consumer debt.

Here is the secular story:

Lori, a 33-year-old living in Manhattan, still has $40,000 in student loans debt. She earned only $16,000 a year in her first job as a social worker and community organizer in New York. Her income "inched upward" over time but it’s still not enough to pay all her bills and loan payment. So she deferred payments on her student loans.


The frum version of the story is a young modern Orthodox lady who is working as a teacher's assistant, yet must live on the Upper West Side because she believes this is the place she must be to get married, yet her salary is not at all commensurate with living in one of the most expensive locales in the US. She also has student loans that are astronomical because she had to go to college in New York in order to get married.

Starting to see a theme? Once our friend gets married, her story starts to resemble those of Elaine, David and Lisa who have used their credit cards to fund furniture, weddings, and traveling for friends weddings.

Stories from Strapped: Housing

Did I mention weddings? Here the author makes the case that Housing is Too Expensive. I'd agree that housing is a stretch, even moreso for frum families who can't live just anywhere. But, the house of cards isn't just toppling because of housing costs, it is toppling because other expensive choices are being piled onto a shaky house. And some of those stories are about putting on weddings that couldn't be paid for in cash.

I'd say the secular and the frum stories have a similar ring. Debt undertaken in the name of marriage or to get to friends weddings. The difference might be that the major portion of wedding debt in the frum world is undertaken by parents, so one could say that this is a reason America's frum 40, 50, and 60-somethings can't get ahead and/or are sinking in a sea of debt. Even the travel costs to weddings are often undertaken by the parents of bochurim, or perhaps even the parents of the chatan as we learned in this post. Nonetheless, between the costs of dating, marriage, and being mesameach your friends, plenty of money is expended.

Stories from Strapped: Child Care

In this chapter, the author makes the case "and baby makes broke." Can't argue with the author that child care is expensive; darn expensive. Unsurprisingly, the author proposes the cost of childcare be undertaken by big brother.

The secular story and the frum story have a similar ring, but in the frum story "big brother" is the childcare provider who some feel should be doing a chessed and providing cheap care. Of course, in the frum story the costs are multiplied many times over, normally by 2, sometimes by 4, and even by 5 and 6. . . . .and then comes tuition and camp (which is not considered a necessity, not a luxury as we are continually being told).

Regarding the feeling that those who provide childcare are providing a chessed, my friends are always talking about how terrible it is that (frum) childcare providers charge so much (as if they don't have families of their own to feed). My friends also complain there are just simply not enough Jewish and frum childcare providers. My friends who are have been frum childcare providers tell me they have said enough because they didn't get paid on time, that the mothers were constantly asking for discounts because they "can't afford" so much (note to any babysitters out there. . . . never, ever, ever agree to give one mother a discount because it will come back to bite you when every other mother wants the same deal because people talk), that they were constantly being pressured into providing additional hours that the provider had specifically specified she would not do, and that they felt like shmattas by the end of the experience.

Conclusion

It is by no means easy to get ahead and stay ahead in this competitive world. But none of these stories are really about people who can't get ahead at all. They are stories about people who won't get ahead because they are making very expensive choices and are loosing financial ground while those making more frugal choices are gaining financial ground.

No doubt that in the frum world we have more limited choices. But, within those choices, we can't squander the parnasah that Hashem grants us. It is wonderful to have large and larger families. It is wonderful to attend friends weddings. It is wonderful to buy nice furnishings, clothing, etc. But, choices have to be made and if you make too many expensive choices equals broke.

I agree with the author that books like this do nothing but promote a victim mentality. I do hope my blog promotes a feeling of empowerment, because empowerment is what is needed to gain some footing in a tough world.

Asking for Payment Equals Lacking Tact????

The following appeared in Rabbi Ginsberg's chinuch column in this week's Yated, which focused this week on character development:

A teacher once shared with me a troubling incident he experienced. A student of his babysat for his children one evening and he promised to pay the student the following day. The teacher was troubled that the student requested payment the following morning and didn’t wait for him to make the payment. He thought that it was possible chutzpah.

I told the teacher that the child was not being disrespectful at all. At the most, the child may have been missing tact, as a student should not demand payment from a teacher, especially the morning after. However, I encouraged the teacher to view it from the eyes of the student, who is, after all, still a child. In the student’s eyes, payment was due and there was nothing wrong with asking for it.

Presuming a payment was requested politely, I certainly don't think it is chuptzah to request money due, nor do I think it lacks tact. Of course, the entire "troubling incident" would have been avoided completely if the pay was handed over by the parent upon returning from a night out. Personally, I wish I was more comfortable discussing pay (in advance). Like most females (I have to wonder if the student referred to was male or female and if the gender played into the accusation of "possible chupzpah" or "missing tact"), I get very uncomfortable discussing pay and/or pressing for payment. The female gender, in particular, has generally been conditioned to confuse work and chessed, oftentimes putting up with no payment, late payments, and/or undercutting business. Where does that get the self-employed/contractor? Unfortunately, not to the bank. Two years ago, I wrote a post offering some tips on discussing pay and ensuring timely payment. Two years later, I'm still working on taking my own advice.

A student who had the guts (or lack of tact, if you prefer) to ask for payment might just be cut out for working within the community and owning a business, perhaps a grocerybusiness. I have seen a handful of letters regarding non-payment and/or tardy payment of debtors and I have had readers write asking me to bring up the subject of just how difficult it is to collect payment when dealing with frum customers and how they are made to feel like beggers when they are rightfully owed money and have even paid expenses related to the job out of their own pocket (perhaps even pushing off their own creditors). So, I hope to continue the discussion on that from a variety of angles.

In the meantime, here is a letter regarding some kosher grocery stores that have banded together to plead with those they have extended credit to to pay up. The fact that business owners have to pay for another ad to ask for money they should have been paid already (or for which a payment plan should have been put into place) is the real chuptzpah.

WHAT A WORLD
Dear Editor,
I was appalled to see an ad in a local
circular from grocery stores asking customers to pay up their balances. Can you imagine? Stores have to band together to get people to pay money that they owe? Why haven’t these people paid up their bills until now? The stores are gracious enough to offer credit, but why do they have to beg people to pay up? Where is the yashrus?

I understand that many people literally don’t have money. Well, you know what? Neither do I. I live day-to-day and dollar-to-dollar. And I only buy the very basic necessities, because I can’t afford more. And yet, when I go into the supermarkets, I see people loading up their wagons until they are practically overflowing. These people then go to the check-out lines and tell the cashier to “put it on my bill.” The cashier then points out to them that they already have $800 on their bill and that all accounts were supposed to be paid up already. I have witnessed this many times. And these people’s children stand there and watch this exchange. What kind of chinuch is this? What kind of generation are we bringing up when storeowners have to plead and beg bechol lashon shel bakasha for people to pay their bills?

Sincerely,Yosef Schorr

I'm afraid the type of chinuch that is being offered is one of cynicism because the kids witness a world that lacks in Yashrut and they see their parents might also be lacking. How different than the chinuch I got from my parents wherein every single bill (invoiced or uninvoiced) that was due was paid immediately and wherein my mother was usually the first to ask, what do I owe you?

It's Time to Walk
Alternatively: A Job is NOT a Chessed

Recently I ran into someone, but never had a chance to follow up on a topic she brought up the first time I met her at a friend's home. Newly married, pregnant, and lacking regular employment while her and her husband were enrolled in college programs, they were counting on their limited sources of income, one of which included her husband's part time position in a boy's Yeshiva school, to make ends meet.

But, ends were not meeting as planned. For months, they have been dipping into their savings (read: wedding gifts) to pay their rent and other basic expenses. He, like too many others, was not being paid for his services. She was quite upset by the situation, but felt powerless.

I too was upset by the situation. Naturally I was upset that an institution whose purpose is to perpetuate Torah observance is causing such a chillul Hashem. But, as I meet and hear about more and more people who have stayed on at institutions that fall behind with pay, I am starting to think that maybe it is time to ask those holding these jobs to take a stronger stand for themselves and their families (although it really shouldn't be on their heads).

In other words. . . . . . there is a time to pack your bag and walk off campus. A job is not a chessed. It is a means to supporting your family. And I think in the frum community, we forget this (I can't imagine an employee sticking around K-mart, e.g., if they were behind with pay three months running or even three weeks running).

While I can understand a higher paid employee waiting for that elusive paycheck, I see no reason for a low paid employee to continue volunteering his services in hopes of being paid (and unfortunately sometimes these employees never do get paid). So why gamble? At a certain point it is time to start filling applications for another job and sit down with the staff at a temp agency. I think that when you have used your savings to pay your rent, that time has come.

Of course, it is easier said than done to walk off a job. One rightfully worries about their reputation and doesn't want to make enemies. But employment is "at will" and I hate to see anyone's good nature used and abused, but especially the good nature of a newlywed couple.

I'd love to hear practical solutions about how to leave a job and cover your bases when you don't get paid. Any lawyers out there? Anyone who actually walked off campus out there? Next time I am privy to a conversation I'd like to be able to give solid advice besides "walk away."

The "Solution" to a Problem: Throw Money at It

I caught this article in YNet where a hesder Rosh Yeshiva urges higher pay for shadchanim: "[Rabbi] Shapira believes that if parents would be willing to spend more money to reward those who introduced their child to his or her future spouse, this could significantly change the matchmaking scene. ."

Quite honestly, I don't think that the lack of significant pay for shadchanim is what is holding back greater communal involvement. Both Baltimore and Queens spring to mind as communities that are holding out a $2000 carrot to entice more community members to become active shadchanim. Unless I'm mistaken, there has not been any tremendous changes although there might be some greater involvement.

What is holding back greater communal involvement? Possibly the red tape that shadchanim have to cut through. There is the red tape from the boy's parents, the red tape from the boy, the red tape from the boy's Rosh Yeshiva, the red tape from the girl, the red tape from the girl's parents, and the red tape from some who advise the girl.

Trying to get two people out on a date can be very time consuming and frustrating. Nearly every time, the effort results in nothing (often not even a date!). The way I see it is that being involved in shidduchim is an act of chessed. If a person wants to make money. . . . . . they should find a job and draw a paycheck that they can count on.

What is also shocking about this suggestion is that it calls upon parents to pay more as if they all can but are holding back: "The rabbi said that while families usually invest tens of thousands of shekels on a wedding, they are more reluctant to pay the matchmakers who made the event possible." Note: While we should all be finding ways to cut back on wedding expenses, let's remember that overblown smachot are a beast largely of our own making.

My Torah knowledge is not such that I can challenge a Rosh Yeshiva, but is not hachnasat kallah for the poor or orphaned? Is it wise to encourage a solution that makes one candidate more valuable than another candidate?

It has been a while since I have been on a date with anyone other than my beloved, but I do recall that when I was dating that a friend told me that Chicago had shadchanim who were paid a salary by the community and couples who met through the services of the shadchanim donated to the fund to help others. I like this model. (Link).

Anyways, there are so many issues surrounding shidduchim, but I maintain my stance* that throwing money at the problem is not the solution.

*Flashback: This post reminds me of a past post (one of my most popular to the date), where I reviewed a proposal from a Yeshivish couple in which baalebatim are paired with less desirable girls (i.e. girls whose parents can't cough up the big bucks) to help them get more dates.

Purim Wrap-Up

This year our Purim was fantastic. But the aftermath was even better (no hangovers in our family!) and provided me with a fantastic reminder of just how important it is to go beyond when performing a mitzvah.

As I mentioned in my previous post, we don't go all out on Mishloach Manot packages. In short our packages are rather tiny. Sometimes I feel bad receiving sizable packages when I know I've given only a quarter of what we have received if that. But, I prefer to do the baking myself and have my kids be a part of the effort in a tangible way (sorry, more shopping just isn't tangible. . . we already spend more than our fair share of time in grocery stores).

For the past few years my husband has asked me to take it easy and just do the minimum (2 packages) and send out cards. I think the cards are excellent (especially if I don't have to mail them), but I just haven't jumped on this boat yet despite the many benefits. Somehow making the packages, however minimal, makes Purim into Purim and I can't stop at the minimum because once I make for this person, I feel the need to make for that person.

Of course, when deciding who to make for we have to set limits or we will spend our entire day delivering packages which is frustrating and grueling. Therefore, we tend to limit ourselves to one small geographical area that is easy to hit in one small trip and we like to keep a number of extras on hand for those that are kind enough to stop by and see us.

This year we were headed out for the seudah and limited our geographical area severely. However, there are two old men (a bachelor of 80 and a widow of nearing 90) that we felt should be included despite our time constraints and we made an extra trip, albeit brief and albeit not far at all, to drop them mishloach manot. Since we hit the earliest minyanim, they were not home and we dropped the packages on their front doorstep.

On Monday, both men called to thank us for the packages and the thoughtfulness. The first left a message telling me he hadn't received any homemade hamentashen and just how delicious it was (for me there couldn't be a bigger compliment). The second was happy that we remembered him and was sad that he wasn't home when we came by. Baruch Hashem we did not cut our list even shorter despite the cold weather and the time constraints. I am constantly being reminded that there are people in every community who need to be remembered and who need simple acts of chessed.

Up next, a ton of Orthonomic topics that will hopefully interest you.

Saddened by the Waste

This story, complete with pictures, saddens me. I don't want to get into a discussion about tzniut, or the lack thereof, nor do I want to get into a discussion about boycotts and heksherim on clothing stores. There are plenty of other blogs out there that have discussed these subjects and I really don't have anything to add.

What I do want to discuss is how a community (or sub-section of a community, since obviously not everyone is putting their clothing up in flames) in which so many people suffer from poverty and so many others are sent to beg for funds to cover the massive debts they have incurred, can engage in such wasteful behavior: public burning of "immodest' clothing.

Like I said, I am not interested in discussing tzniut right now. Ideally one would hope that if someone had clothing that they did not want to wear anymore because they are making a choice to uphold a higher level of tzniut, that they would either try to make their clothing tzniut if it was cost effective or they would donate their clothing to those who are taking on a more basic level of tzniut and have to replace nearly an entire closet full of clothing. Are there no people out there in dire need of clothing? But in a world of black and white and little gray, I can understand that someone who really believes that certain items of clothing just are not tzniut, isn't going to want anyone else to wear them either.

But, there are just so many ways to re-use common household items like clothing, that collecting them for a public burning just makes me very sad. My mother grew up in a very poor family, and the habits she learned were never discarded. While I haven't maintained all of her habits (and don't intend to maintain some of them), the general concept of thrift is a valuable one (in fact it is on of Rav Salanter's 13 Middos).

Buttons can be taken off clothing and used to replace missing buttons on children's clothing (I've got a whole stack of kid's clothes looking for replacement buttons). Buttons can be used for educational activities like teaching children how to sew, or for math exercises, or for sorting activities (size and color), or for art projects. Clothing can be cut up and re-created into other items (potholders, table mats, trivets, rags, things for pretend play, pillow cases, etc). Or it can be used to teach highly useful skills like hemming, patching, or quilt making.

The modest uses for 'immodest' clothing are as big as one's imagination and I cannot even begin to phathom how those immersed in a community with real material poverty can be convinced to put their clothing up in flames. While I have never spent significant time in these communities (and therefore shy away from topics concerning them), I do know that these are communities of tremendous chessed with literally a gemach for everything. It seems to me that nearly every item which is not being used regularly by one family is listed so it might be used by another. This makes the zealotry to uphold one mitzvah, while flirting with the violation of another mitzvah, even sadder.

Mazal Tov!

Since it has been announced in the j-blogs, I might as well write a few random and not so random thoughts about our most recent simcha: the birth of a now healthy and happy baby girl. She is beautiful, snuggly, calm, and content. There is nothing more we could ask for and we have such hakarat hatov to HaKadosh Baruchu for the opportunity to be mechanech a child once again.

G-d willing, I will have a smooth recovery and be able to get off these pain killers which make me feel terrible and make me wonder why anyone would take such things voluntarily. Unfortunately, the past few days, I've had a number of complications, many of which explain my absence. Giving birth is apparently not my forte. But, ultimately, what counts is how one raises their children, and my life goal is to do that successfully.

Bring a baby into klal yisrael is always exhilarating. But, one of the things I marvel at the most is the pure chessed that exists in our communities. Whether new parents needs meals, assistance with chores or errands, help with other children, etc, there are always ample volunteers seeking you out, young and old. Ma Tovu?

The other thing I marvel at is the miracle of modern medicine. Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, giving birth is not my strength. And, I have to be thankful to Hashem that I was placed in this generation and not in a past generation.

That is it for now. I want to wish everyone a Shabbat Shalom, a Good Shabbos, and that we only celebrate smachot together.

Next. . . back to our regular programming.

Getting Paid On Time
Some insights, rants, and tips

One of the most frustrating things a worker can experience is not getting paid on time. This isn't a particularity Jewish problem, it is just a general problem. You tell your client or employer what you expect to be paid and when and then you wait and wait to be paid. And, nothing happens! You don't want to scare off your clients by demanding the money owed to you immediately either because you know you will be paid (someday) and you don't want to loose a client, you have sympathy for your client, or you are just uncomfortable broaching the subject.

I have plenty of friends who have waited for payment from an employer for months or even years. Sadly, nearly all worked in [you know where] and those that waited for years are, sadly, still waiting if they haven't thrown in the towel. Until recently, I had no conception of the problem and the scope of the issue. But, as of late, it seems that nobody wants to spit up the money they agreed to pay voluntarily. The real chutzpah, is that some of those who haven't paid up bargained me down to a lower price than I should have accepted. (Note to self: be brave and tell them you are raising the price).

Well, despite the fact that I am generally a strong person, I am definitely a weakling when it comes to demanding payment and demanding it now. I prefer to function on an honor system where we agree on a price and I have the money waiting for the provider as soon as the job is done. If I get any credit in olam ha-ba for fulfilling an important mitzvah, this will be it. I can't recall ever paying a service provider late, nor can I recall ever having a provider having to face the discomfort that can come from having to ask for payment. While I find myself unable to remember to say birchat ha-mazon (or even if I said birchat ha-mazon), I never seem to forget a bill and can probably name the due date of all of our bills in my sleep. It must be a quality that comes natural to financial people.

When I worked for a regular employers, getting compensated in full and on time was never was troublesome. But, once I started doing more informal types of work to bring in a little extra while I stay home to raise a family, getting compensated started to get ugly. But, recently, I finally got tired of dealing with late payments, no payments, and waiting patiently for the subject of payment to resurface, and I took matters into my own hands and combating the problem.

Here are some of my tips (some are actually working, others are theoretical and should work, but I have yet to find out). Here they are:

Make payment the first order of business

• When you report to a place of work for the first time, ask up front for your W-4, W-9, and your timesheets. This makes it clear that you mean business. Hopefully it will move you to the head of the class for payment if not everyone is getting paid that month.
• If you are being paid for services by the month, ask for payment at the beginning of the month. If you are are unsure what the total amount due for the month will be, charge a base rate for the month and bill the remainder or issue a refund at the end of the month. Just try to keep good estimations.

Get It in Writing

• Write up formal agreements. It might be uncomfortable, especially if you are friends with the person, or part of a similar social circle, but it shows you mean business and will help facilitate that in the long run. And, if you are not getting paid, you will have the documents you will need for any litigation (G-d forbid).
• Use written invoices in addition to oral agreement. Somehow written notices get noticed while what you tell someone orally goes in one ear and out the other.

Get Tough

• If you are not comfortable asking for payment and being strong about it, get in front of the mirror and practice asking just like you might practice a job interview or practice giving a public speech.
• Remember that working is for the purpose of making money. If you want to be involved with a chessed project, there are plenty of chessed projects out there. Don't make work a chessed project or you will end up with trouble from nearly every client since word flies quick.
• Don't offer too many discounts. While discounts may bring in sometimes the clients that are unwilling to pay market rate are not worth the trouble they bring and if they talk, which they often will, you may find that nobody wants to pay market rate and the only person who end up with the short end of the stick is you.

Readers, I'd love to hear your tips (or rants) if this is an issue you are dealing with.

More on Gedolim Cards: The socialists among us

Many seem to feel that the manufacturer of the "Gedolim Cards" should not view his enterprise as a business, but rather as a chessed project. Apparently, the manufacturer should dedicate his time to producing the cards for little or more profit so that we can all benefit from the education they may potentially provide. This letter grandmother writes:

"If these stickers are truly a vehicle for our children to educate themselves and have fun at the same time, then the business-minded individuals who are selling these stickers should make each sticker more readily available." And, "If these stickers were meant to educate our children, then perhaps the individuals who thought of the idea would come up with a better plan. It is blatantly apparent that these stickers are systematically released and certain gedolim are a rare find. After a reasonable amount of time and for an appropriate price why not sell the set and then release a new series? Or, simply play fair and release enough of each sticker to keep the children interested and, most importantly, not consistently asking their parents - or grandparents for that matter - for money to support the pockets of others."

Michelle of My Humble Jewish Opinion also seems to feel the same way and writes

"I would think the goal of [collecting gedolim cards] is to have the kids focus on people that truly contribute to society and Torah, and once they have the cards, they can learn more about them, and consider them role models. But this twist in the system is typical of the Jewish money-hungry mind. He makes the parents spend a lot of money buying packages of cards."

Michelle continues:

"He's abusing the fact that the Yeshivish community is more willing to spend money on Jewish themed products. So these mothers are shelling out the big bucks...and it's completely against what it stand for itself. These Gedolim are for simple lives, involved in Torah-not immersed in materialism and all that. I just don't get it."

Many of the commentators of My Humble Jewish Opinion agree and call the manufacturer a "bastard" or "greedy."

A few things:

1. The manufacturer of the cards is "business-minded", which is exactly why he chose a successful business model that has proven successful since the advent of the first baseball card. If it wasn't for the profit-motive, he wouldn't be pursuing this idea.

2. The manufacturer has as much of a right to make money as any of us. He has bills to pay and kids to raise. The fact that he came up with an idea should be to his credit, although if I was a gadol, I would not want my picture on a card.

3. There is no exploitation going on. The business model is well-known and any kid can explain it to you.

4. If a child is "making" his parents buy him cards, then it is clear who is in charge (not the parents). These parents (and grandparents) should set some limits before they get run over by all of the demands their children will "force" upon them as they get older.

5. And, most importantly, you do NOT need to buy your children Gedolim Cards or any other item their heart desires. It is quite all right to say no to your child. And, if you see the value of them owning these cards, than tell your cleaning lady (in our house, that would be me) to take a day off and let the kids scrub the floors and the toilets to earn some extra money.

Every time I see people whine and complain about the Gedolim Cards, it becomes quite quite clear to me that we, as a group, are a weak set of parents and grandparents. I'm glad my parents had no problem saying no to many of my requests (Cabbage Patch Kids, Teddy Rumpskin, a Nintendo). They were not weak and I was the beneficiary.

Kids @ Risk Revisited"
Some observations of the latest edition of the Jewish Observer

The latest edition of the Jewish Observer was excellent overall. The cover story and its many related articles addressed the hot button topic of "Children-At-Risk." The many articles covered a host of subjects and gave a host of advice that I never though I would see in this publication. For example, the articles spoke about the "overemphasis on conformity," a subject about which I am compassionate. Being that this is the "Orthonomics" blog, I must state, as a tangent, that many of the economic issues in the frum community could alleviated if people felt free do do what they wanted to do and could afford to do. The articles also addressed the idea that one should not be too rigid in their restrictions (although I am unsure how the article that stated such fits in with the article that lauds Lakewood's Internet Ban for which "the schools would not accept a child whose home had a computer with access to the Internet"). To make it brief, the numerous articles are a worthwhile read, especially as they do not seem to make an attempt to shove issues under a rug.

However, there were some rather odd moments and omissions that I would like to note:

1. Parnasa, Why mentioned only in passing? While the issue of parnasa (and tuition) was briefly touched upon, it seems to only be touched upon in passing and as an aside. In my opinion, the issue of parnasah and tuition deserves more than a mention in passing, it deserves it's own article, if not its own issue. In my opinion, it is clear that today's family environment is different than that of past generations, and not just because of the technological advancements like the internet!

It used to be that young children were cared for by their mothers, or by other family members when absolutely necessary. It used to be that young ladies would not even consider dating a young man who could not provide for them. A young man who showed little to no signs that he would ever be able to provide certainly was not headed for the proverbial alter. It used to be that school children would walk in the door to the loving smile of their mother. It used to be that mothers would show up randomly at school or at social gatherings to "check in." Being that I grew up in a household where my parents were likely to show up wherever I was, I can certainly say in all honesty that it kept me out of a lot of trouble that I might have found if they were not so watchful.

In today's Orthodox communities, a full time homemaker is the exception rather than the rule. Many young ladies will not even consider dating a young man who can provide for them. A young man who shows little to no signs that he will ever be able to provide doesn't seem to have less of a chance of marrying than anyone else. School children are greeted at the door by caregivers who share very little in common with the children and certainly have no long term interest in them. And, mothers rarely have the time to check in randomly.

While it is unlikely that we will ever be able to go back in time and re-create a society of a different generation, I think that we need to acknowledge that lack of parental time is an underlying issue and that "quality" time cannot replace "quantity" time. I think we should not idealize the "supermom" as much and make our children believe that this is the ideal. While the "supermom" may appear to "do it all," that is probably not the case. The "average mom" who sets limits and sets her priorities is a fine role model also and should be acknowledged as such. I think we also need to teach our children good financial habits early. While it may be impossible to place mothers back in the home when their children get home from school, or even keep mothers in the home throughout the first year of their children's lives (especially in large, large families), the choices that might have been available are often not because of poor decisions made in one's youth.

2. Couples need not overextend themselves: The issue of the "supermom" and the "average mom" brings me to my next observation: couples need not "do it all." As was noted above, time is limited. In the first article of the Jewish Observer where parnasa was mentioned in passing, it says [in the name of Rabbi Shmuel Kamenetsky] "that a child needs to always know that his parents are always ready to listen to him. But, sadly, we are often too busy to listen to our children. Sometimes it is due to the crush of parnassa - other times it is the result of the constant stream of simchos and mitzvos that seem to have taken over our lives. (Seriously, between chasunos and Sheva Berachos, Bar and Bas mitzvahs, lechayims, vorts, Pidyon Habens, shul and yeshiva dinners, PTAs and shidduch and chessed meetings, all of which we must attend, is it any wonder that we have children at risk? They are raising themselves!)

While I'm pretty sure that the part in parenthesis was tongue-in-cheek and that the point was that we don't need to be involved with every event, nor every simcha, I would have made sure to emphasis that is was tongue-in-cheek. Orthomom touched on this issue in her post "Nanny Park." Nevertheless, I think it is important to emphasize that one need not "do it all" and that it is important to set limits. Baruch Hashem there is a constant stream of events, which shows that the frum community is alive and well. But, there is no requirement to attend every simcha. Certain smachot could definitely take a back seat, especially lechayims and vorts. I await the day that the Yeshivot and Day schools allow parents to opt to donate the full amount of their seats at the dinner in lew of going and having to hire a babysitter to boot!

3. The Israel Experience: In a discussion about seminaries and Yeshivot in Israel an article brings to light a number of issues students face. I really cannot address the issue of the "year in Israel" as I was never zoche to be able to spend a year learning. But, it seemed that the Jewish Observer accepted the answer from educators that they cannot do anything more to protect the children. The article states [in regards to boys in "top" Yeshivot] that "they are treated as adults in many of these yeshivos, with no supervision in basic aspects of their daily routine. There is no accountability for davening with a minyan and keeping sedarim." It seems to me that at the very least that attendance could be taken and any gaps in attendance be reported back to the parents. Being that the parents are paying upwards of $14,000 a year for this experience, it seems that the least that could be done is to let the parents know when a kid is cutting class.

Readers--please chime it.