Purim: I'm Not a Minimalist

Someone showed me an article printed in a publication that I believe has little purpose except to reinforce the insecurities people have about mishloach manot and introduce a few more you probably never even considered. I publish a lot of ideas that I'm certain are disliked by many, so I hope I won't be accused of being the pot calling the kettle black, but I had to wonder what the purpose was to publish such an article? The article actually had something in it that reminded me of a LONG overdue post, but that will have to wait for a few days as I take care of some other things. So, back to mishloach manot for now. . . .

Another idea I was re-alerted to again this year is PIP (on a chat board I saw mention that the idea was promoted in Mishpacha). I published this idea in 2009 when I received it. At the time I thought it intriguing enough to publish the forwarded text on Orthonomics, even though I did **not** advocate the approach and had no plans of adopting such an approach then or now. But I did understand the sentiment that there is a need some have for "permission", so to speak, to tone things down where needed. As the saying goes "ideas have consequences" and the discussions surrounding mishloach manot got me thinking about the consequences of implementing such ideas or acting on insecurities being promoted.

My thinking came to a head yesterday and today. We received two very grateful thank yous for our mishloach manot. The first was from neighbors that are not fully observant who were thrilled to receive our little package of treats and wrote us a little thank you note. I've often wondered if the non-Shomer Shabbat living in a heavily Shomer Shabbat neighborhood feel invisible? It is a nice chance to connect with these neighbors especially on a day that is festive and relaxed. The second thank you was from an elderly, never married man we met at another community member's sukkah a few years back. My husband wrote his name in our notes and we have been delivering a meal-in-a-bag mishloach manot annually (real food for a lunch or dinner). I can't even tell you how appreciative he has been and he has taken it upon himself to send us a fancy gift basket mishloach manot himself, which is appreciated but certainly not expected. At this point the gifts are not "equal" (an insecurity) but that isn't the point of mishloach manot, is it?

Another insecurity mentioned is making someone feel like a chesed case or feeling like a chessed case when people remember you once a year. Certainly one doesn't want to make anyone feel like a chesed case, but I think it would be sadder to not deliver to those who will feel grateful and appreciative because someone out there took a mitzvah designed to bring people closer as an insult.

It happened that I when I went on a run to deliver to our aforementioned friend, I brought extra mishloach manot to give to other people who might not receive many and might be watching a stack multiply outside their neighbor's door. Turns out that no one had put a label on these (I believe I mentioned my worker bees didn't finish the job). What hashgacha I thought! I can deliver these to some widows, widowers, and divorcees we are acquainted with, but don't interact with often, anonymously and hopefully no one will feel embarrassed.

Ultimately I am very uncomfortable with promoting a trend of a minimalist trend of mishloach manot. I was thinking a little bit about it in terms of a takana and why a way of doing thing should be changed. The most famous takana I can think of is that of burying the dead in simple clothing (my apologies for the original mistake). In death there is really no purpose to take our wealth to the grave. I can think of no constructive purpose to anything more than a minimalist burial. In fact, quite the opposite. We can't bring the material into the next world, only our mitzvot. Whatever material goods we may leave in this world on our passing are best used for good in this world.

Limiting mishloach manot to the minimal level of fulfilling the mitzvah, as opposed to encouraging the kehilla to exercise some thought and discretion, is not something I want to see encouraged as a trend. The parade of children in costume is something that brings a neighborhood alive on Purim. There are so many people that we can bring simcha to with this mitzvah. There are tremendous opportunities for chinuch on Purim day. Let's leverage those opportunities and not go overboard just because the Schwartz's went crazy and made "everyone" they sent to feel inadequate!

Get Rid of the Insecurity and Just Enjoy Purim

Over at Matzav, you can treat yourself to typical Purim ranting. I recall at least part of this rant from a Yated gem of the past. It is really a shame that a more lighthearted, fun holiday turns into a stress fest for so many people (particularly the women folk).

Do some people have out of control mishloach manot? Sure. Do some people have misplaced priorities? Sure. Have some people taken a lovely mitzvah promoting friendship and perverted it into yet another competition? Sure. Is there unnecessary pressure? Sure. Do some people spend ridiculous amount of money? Sure.

Can we control any of that? Probably not. But we can work to control our own insecurities (and in turn hopefully raise more secure children who won't feel the need to constantly peak over their shoulders). And perhaps if we work to control our own insecurities, we will start to have more Purim fun, rather than pressure to match the neighbor who has been thinking about a costume to coordinate with the mishloach manot package theme (or is that a mishloach manot package to coordinate with a costume?) since Rosh Hashana.

In the grocery store I ran into a lovely friend who always makes a very attractive mishloach manot packages. We enjoy receiving her package each year and always hide it away to enjoy without the children. As we were talking, she mentioned some of her own insecurities which surprised me because I would love to pull off such a lovely (and frugal) presentation.

Over here in the Sephardi household, we just can't seem to get it right. The goods might taste great, but something always seems to go wrong and it doesn't quite come together as envisioned. It isn't easy combining frugality with participation from children with a reasonable quantity with all of the other things I'm juggling during this time of the year. So, we just do what we can manage and that varies from year to year.

So after a marathon of creating with the kids (who ultimately left me holding the bag because the work isn't as much fun an hour later) and a packaging idea that the assigned packager wasn't quite coordinated enough to pull off, we have a basket full of tasty mishloach manot that weren't quite what I envisioned.

And do you know what? I'm accepting what is. We can give these out with a big smile. And we don't need to worry about what others might bring because this isn't an office gift exchange.

While I am critical of overspending and inappropriate displays of wealth or "wealth", I think we can enjoy other people's Purim fun even if we choose a different route. I don't think that in this lifetime we will ever have themed mishloach manot. And I doubt we will ever have costumes to match our mishloach manot theme because I don't sew and prefer to pick up costumes in the thrift store. But I can still appreciate the creativity of our neighbors who show up in great costumes with nifty packages even if we are putting our cookies and candies on a plain paper plate or brown paper bag and sporting a run of the mill costume. We can appreciate what our friends and neighbors bring us even if we are reciprocating with "less" (just say thank you is a midda I work on with my kids, and Purim is a great time to put that midda on display).

On that note, have a Purim Sameach and enjoy the chag anxiety-free.

And one final note, it is clear that many of us would like to see a sense of balance restored in the kehilla. But I don't think complaining about someone's Three Blind Mice Purim theme is going to restore the balance. I do think working to rid ourselves of insecurities and making choices without offering excuses (be it a choice about mishloach manot, consumerism surrounding yomim tovim, or camp) will rub off on others.

Guest Post: Purim Pledge

Guest Post follows (thank you and more Purim Posts to come, I hope. So busy!)

I don’t want to get into the debate about drinking and drunkenness on Purim, even though I do have some strong feeling about the subject. I would rather focus on an area in which we can all agree; we must have a zero tolerance policy for drunk driving, especially on Purim.

Yeshiva students who are not accustomed to regular drinking may be more susceptible to minimizing or even ignoring their impairment when it comes to driving. Let me say this clearly; no child or young adult should drive or attempt to operate a vehicle if s/he had anything to drink on Purim.

College Campuses have a similar problem when it comes to spring break, a period of time where many students engage in behaviors the normally would not consider. One solution I have seen on a number of college campuses is to offer a Drunk Driving Pledge to prevent students from drinking and driving.

Students are encouraged to sign the Pledge, and are offered an entry into a Raffle for doing so. Drunk Goggle demonstrations, which simulate the impairment of drunkenness and can be a powerful illustration of the dangers of drunk driving, often accompany the Pledge drives.

I believe it is time for a similar strategy for Purim. I have drafted the following text for a Purim Pledge aimed at children and young adults between ages 15-24:

In order to help ensure a safer Purim, I pledge that:

1) I will not operate or attempt to operate a vehicle if I have consumed any alcoholic beverages whatsoever.

2) I will not get into a vehicle driven by anyone who has consumed any alcoholic beverages whatsoever.

3) If, in consultation with my parents and Rebbeim and while obeying all applicable laws, I choose to drink on Purim, I will make safe transportation arrangements before Purim.

For an additional raffle entry: I will encourage my friends to sign the Purim Pledge.

It’s a simple idea, but coupled with organized Pledge drives on the local level it can save lives on Purim. For more information about the Pledge, or to help bring it to your community, please email chaimshapiro@ aol.com and join the Pledge Facebook Group at http://on.fb.me/fzFGx4

Chaim Shapiro, M.Ed serves on the Executive Committee of JBAC, The Jewish Board of Advocates for Children http://jewishadvocates.org/ . He is also the founder of the largest Orthodox online networking group, the Frum Network on LinkedIn.

Purim Frugality

Since it is that time of the year again (yes, once again I'm behind on mishloach manot), I thought I'd share a few of my own frugality tips while the cookies bake. My kids are funny, they live with the chagim year round, unlike their mother who is thinking, is [insert holiday] really coming?

The day of Purim is when I start thinking about summer and next Purim. All of those packages are art projects in the making. Crafts aren't my strength, but Purim usually leaves us with enough stuff to make some craft projects. I nab the clean plates, tissue paper, and whatever other items look like they could be reused for an art project.

We are always grateful to our friends who bring us mishloach manot in a snack box. My kids each have their own box in the pantry for keeping the snacks they pick up here and there. Boxes get worn out, so Purim has become the time that we replace our boxes where feasible. Any plastic containers and baskets I keep for organizing my own kitchen and pantry.

Purim bags and containers are placed in a box for upcoming Purims. While I tend to package our mishloach manot in a somewhat uniform way, the bags and boxes I'm able to salvage are wonderful for the children to make some packages for their own friends.

We split up fresh baked goods for lunches and snacks. Unwanted candies are great for the candy dish at work, but it has been a while since I have worked in a regular office. When I taught Sunday school, I used to bring treats for the kids. Since we sell chametz, I try to save the majority of the packaged snacks and juice boxes for our summer outings. Any kosher l'pesach items are rinsed and put away with our Pesach things to make their reappearance later. My kids like to pour their own grape juice, so if we receive mini grape juice containers, I put them away for the kids to make their own kiddush. They can be refilled easily.

Speaking of summer, this summer I'd like to try and make our Purim packaging in way in advance. The first half of the year is the most busy for me work wise and every year I find myself rushing to get the baking done. The kids are always excited to color the packages, but they don't have the attention span to sit down and get the job done. So, I'm considering getting a start in the summer and having the kids to a little bit by bit. Upper West Side Mom has a neat packaging project up. I don't drink coffee, but I think we can find something usable and get a head start this summer.

If you have any great Purim tips, please share. And a Happy Purim to all my great readers. We all know what chag is coming next, even if we are still in denial. Guest posts on Orthonomic Pesach subjects are always welcome.

Shameful

Again, really? Let the jury hear the evidence. But it is disturbing just how often some names seem to reappear. [Updated: Those with the patience can read through the case here. I've done some work in fraud. This one is really different imo].

.459 Blood Alcohol Level (for the math impaired, .08 and you can be arrested on a DUI in many states). And it isn't even Purim yet. The Rabbi has been charged with a misdemeanor. The Rabbi's lawyer says the number isn't accurate. Furthermore, the Rabbi and his wife claim they didn't know the kid was drinking until he threw up. Thankfully someone called EMS since this all happened on a Friday night. Just be glad he is alive. VIN commentors don't like the VIN headline: Child Drank To Unconsciousness At Rabbi's Friday Night Party. Perhaps you have to be a parent to understand.

Commentor #1 thinks "the man" is out to get the Rabbi. Commentor #2 recognizes that the readily available alcohol in campus Chabad houses is problematic. And commentor #8 says, hey that isn't a problem, no one would show up if there wasn't alcohol. I can think of at least one student from my alma mater who came to the Chabad House of Purim, saw the drinking going on by the teenagers in the community, and never returned. There are many campus outreach programs reaching students without the booze.

Meanwhile, Cross-Currents has Rabbi Shafran's response on the Martin Grossman campaign. I don't know if my comment will be published, but I think that the leaders at the Agudah should read every single comment on YWN, VIN, and Matzav. Perhaps they expressed the greatest sympathy for the Park family, but they need to educate themselves on what transpired due to this campaign because it is seriously shameful.

It's Only As Expensive As You Make It

I believe it was none other than Rav Moshe Feinsten who warned a generation not to say "It is hard to be a Jew" saying such sentiments killed a generation. It might seem ironic that a blog dedicated to examining the economics behind the Orthodox Jew is hear to say that we need to be careful not to fall into the same trap and say, "It is too expensive to be a Jew."


Rabbi Shmuley Boteach recently made such a statement in his most recent column opining that being a frum Jew is both too expensive and too lonely (also see comments at VIN). Too lonely refers to his comments on the so called shidduch crisis and too expensive refers to the following named culprits:

• Day school/Yeshiva Education, "the killer"
• Cost of Kosher Food, including restaurants
• Cost of Jewish Festivals
• Cost of Jewish Ritual Article
• Cost of Smachot
• Cost of Housing in Jewish neighborhoods
• Cost of Shul Membership
  

He proposes the following solutions vis a vis the financial issues:

• School voucher should be the #2 political issue for the Klal, after political support for Israel.
• Marketing Kosher as mainstream to take advantage of economies of scale.
• Communal norms for smachot to bring down the level of competitiveness.
• Moratorium on capital projects

If Rabbi Boteach was the only person saying being Torah observant is simply too expensive, I'd ignore it. But, he is not alone in singing this refrain and I feel the need rebut with the following:

Rabbi Boteach, please get a hold of yourself and repeat after me: I have choices and I can choose to make living an Torah observant life significantly less expensive by
exercising free choice and free thought. A little free thought would go a long way in alleviating some of the shidduch issues too.

I'll ignore tuition during this post, although I do believe tuition is the single issue that we as a community need to take by the horns (and, no vouchers are not going to materialize in our hour of need. . . . which is NOW). We've beaten this horse, and will continue to beat this horse to death on this blog. In the meantime. . .

Let's look at Kosher food. If you base your diet around the proteins, kosher can easily cost a fortune. But, if you base your diet around grains, legumes, and produce, adding the proteins as enhancements, it will not cost that much more more than a non-kosher diet. And, I'm not going to claim that seeing uncertified cheese on sale at around half the price, e.g., doesn't get me a little hot on the collar. It does. But, as kosher consumers we can make choices. We can choose to eat different foods. We can choose to make more by scratch. We can learn to be a smarter shopper. We don't have to go out for pizza regularly. (Note to some of the Yated letter writers: the cost of pizza is where it is because people are willing to pay the price being charged. . . . . can someone please incorporate a basic microeconomics course into the high school curriculum in our Yeshivot and Bais Yaakov classes?) And, dare I say this a month before Pesach, but perhaps not every strictness is appropriate for everyone? I do know of a family that experienced a lay off and well paying employment was replaced with low paying work. They did speak with their Rabbi and ended up dropping many a strictness. It was hard for them, but getting their food budget where it needed to be allowed them to stay afloat.

Like Rabbi Boteach, I do believe that our communal organizations can help to promote kashrut as the rule rather than the exception. Truth be told, a great deal of progress has been made in the past 15 years. Today we have so many national products with certification (E.g., remember when Oreos were treif gamur?) Store brand products increasingly boast certification. Long gone are the days when Hunt's tomato sauce was the only choice. More work could be done in this area. It would be nice to see more vegan restaurants and bakeries go under the certification of the main city Va'adim. It would be incredible if a major brand of cheese (one that hits the weekly circular) would 'go kosher.' And perhaps we need to express our desires more strongly to local va'adim and national kashrut organizations. But, in the meantime, we need to remember that we hold the purse string and we can make choices.

Let's talk about the holidays. This family spend over $250 on a Purim seudah for 12 people (7 adults and 5 kids), **not** including wine or liquor. One poster thought $25 per person seemed about right. Another agreed. Perhaps we just don't eat that much. But my guess is that their seudah doesn't quite look like our seudah which cost significantly less. Festive meals can be brought down in price. It can be done. Perhaps the next kosher cookbook that goes out on the market should be titled Frugal and Kosher Cooking! In fact, let's start writing the cookbook right here. Send me your inexpensive Shabbat menus and I will feature them right here on Orthonomics (at gmail dot come). I know many of my readers are interested in what is cooking in your frugal and kosher kitchen.

On the note: Pesach is Coming. If you are putting Pesach on a tight budget, consider yourself invited as the next guest poster (also see here and here). Don't join the group of post-Pesach slaves: Avadim hayinu l'Mastercard b'America.. You can make a budget Pesach, but you will have to skip the non-gebrochts pasta that tastes more like paste than pasta.

Smachot could easily be brought within reason considering much of the excess. We've beaten the chatunah to death already. So, I'll turn my attention to the brit milah. A popular caterer is advertising a bris special package that runs over $1,200 (mohel not included!). A brit milah seudah simply shouldn't cost that much. And, it doesn't have to. If you don't want to fork over that much money, order your own bagels, send your parents/in-laws/friends/neighbors to the grocery store to pick up some items for a simple seudah. One of the nicest brit milahs that I've ever been to was organized for a family that was flat broke. The coordinator asked families in the community to contribute one item to the seudah. Quite frankly, this seudah was the best brit milah seudah I've ever been to (I guess I'm not too keen on the regular tuna and egg salad fare). What if community catered brit milahs became a norm and the kashrut barriers could be overcome? What would happen if a family where to slice some bagels and set out store bought cream cheese and some cut up fruit, vegetables, and dips on the side. Before crying out that smachot are unaffordable, perhaps we can look for alternatives. Rabbi Boteach wants the Rabbis to take the bull by the horn. I don't know when I'm going to make my next simcha, but I don't plan to spend money I have no business spending. No Rabbi need to involve themselves. The laws of physics and the laws of economics apply in our household. Scarcity of resources is the main principal of the study of economics. I'm not embarrassed that such a truism reigns true in our household. There are alternatives beyond liquidating savings or turning to a HELoc. Simchas need not be spelled $imcha.

As for the price of ritual objects and shul membership, I look at this as the price to join the club. Perhaps if we weren't Orthodox Jews we would look to join a social club or pursue a pricey hobby. But being part of a Torah observant community is a top priority, and as a top priority we can't expect it to be free. But while we choose to make ourselves a part of the Orthodox community, we can still choose to live more than 3 blocks away from the shul.

Rabbi Boteach, I agree that we need to get the cost of living a Torah observant life under control. Let's not forget that we aren't helpless. Now, off to bake my own challah. Savings: at least $150 annually. Probably more.

PIP: Purim is Pashut

The following is an idea being forwarded by a Passaic Rav to help get mishloach manot under control. I'm posting it below:

The Short Vort
Good Morning!

Today is Friday the 3rd of Adar 5679 and February 27, 2009
Candle Lighting 5:27
Erev Shabbos Kollel- Mincha 4:30

PIP

Baruch Hashem the movement has begun.
PIP-
Purim
Is
Pashut-
Purim is Simple has taken hold of the community like wild fire.

The idea that you do not have to send dozens and dozens of Shaloch Manos complete with themes and decorations has become a reality!

Many, many people have written to me expressing their excitement about this new idea with regard to Shaloch Manos.

In order to help facilitate the program I need you. If you are really sick and tired about all the money and time and effort that goes into buying, organizing, preparing and distributing all of the unneeded Shaloch Manos; not to mention the actual unnecessary consumption of pounds and pounds of processed sugary white flour; then join PIP.

Here’s how it works, just prepare one or two Shaloch Manos for your neighbors and that’s it!

Now I realize that there are some exceptions to this. There are those people who you feel you just ‘must’ give to; teachers, Moros, Rebbeim, and the person you would like to make peace with.
However, all the dozens of people who do not need nor should they expect Shaloch Manos from you, just eliminate.

With all of the money you will save from buying unwanted nosh, you will be able to give more Mattanos L’Evyonim!

On Purim day all of us who ‘sign’ up for this program will hang on our doors a sign with the three letters: PIP.
When people come do the door, and they ask, “What is PIP?” explain to them what PIP stands for and explain that PIP is a program designed to eliminate unwanted and unneeded Shaloch Manos, and increase the amount of money which will go to helping the poor.

Think about all the extra time you will gain!
You will be able to spend more time with your family and less time packaging and preparing.
Think of all the stress in the house which will be eliminated. No more attempting to put together last minute Shaloch Manos; no more struggling to create a theme which will be impressive and out do the neighbor.

Most of all think of all the Chesed you are doing.

Think about those people who will benefit from the added money you will give to them.

Think about all those people who have been struggling for years to keep up with the Goldbergs by preparing and distributing dozens and dozens of Shaloch Manos they could not afford however, they felt obligated to do.

Although I generally keep responses private, I am going to make an exception and quote (with permission and anonymously) from one woman who wrote the following about the program:

G-d bless, R. Eisenman,I am SO happy you posted this. We have always tried to limit our Mishloach Manos in favor of Mattanos L’Evyonim, but it is hard to stand against the tide. There is the creeping tendency to keep up with the Schwartzes, and my Mishloach Manos list has been growing. There is also the pressure to make sure your Mishloach Manos are "good enough." I will be thrilled if the focus does shift. I am so glad you, at least, are speaking from the pulpit to redirect our priorities. If we all cut back, those who can't afford to give to their usual list will, IY"H, feel less embarrassed.

This is one example among many!

PIPis here and PIPis the way to GO!!!!

Join PIP now- forward this email to all of your friends and tell them that they should join PIPas well.

By all joining together and eliminating unneeded calories and junk food we will be increasing much needed Tzedokah money which can and will make a difference!!!

One more thing, even the one or two Shaloch Manos that you are sending- remember PIP. Meaning, no need to go ‘all out’ on them either!

Remember- by applying PIP in general to Purim,and to the one or two Shaloch Manos you do send out, you helping those people who really need our help!

Join today; please send me an email with the three letters PIP- to indicate that bli neder you are with us.

PIP signs will be posted in the lobby of the Shul.

Post your PIP sign on your front door already today!

Together we can make a difference this Purim!!!

Remember: PIP is the way to olam haba!!!

A Purim Laugh: Too Suggestive

Worth a laugh! Ariella runs advertisements from various vendors and always has a few stories. In the most recent edition, she learns that a some editor at some Chareidi newspaper was told his ad showing one bed with two pillows was too suggestive!

My bed currently has five pillows on it! I wonder what sort of image would float through this editor's head if he were to ever see a picture of my bed.

Purim, Gifts, and Tax Law

VIN has decided to post under the title, "New York - Is There A Chiyuv to Give Ma'aser From 'Mishloach Manos'? "

When asked this question, a Rabbi Ephraim Greenblatt answers the following:

". . . saw in a Sefer Uvacharta BaChaim that Rav Chaim Kreiswirth said in
hesped for Rav Yaakov Kaminetzky that Rav Yaakov would report as income and pay taxes on mishloach manos that he received. If so then similarly one should give ma'aser. He concludes by saying that nevertheless the matter needs further research. "

Actually, this needs no further research. When your neighbor brings you a pricey basket filled with overpriced items that you would never purchase yourself, don't start sweating about your Federal 1040. No need to hire an assessor before your children attack the pile of nosh.

The Rabbi is onto something, but he is no tax accountant. There are occasions where Rabbis (and their female counterparts) receive significant gifts on specific occasions that are not gifts, but actually income. Unlike VIN, I'm not going to pontificate about which gifts are income, rather than gifts. Those receiving honorariums for speaking or performing weddings or brit milah and those receiving significant Chanukah gelt should consult a tax practice about what they need to account for. They should also learn what expenses are deductible so they don't blindly go about claiming income and not fully expensing what they can legally expense.

Yashrut needs more emphasis and we are sadly witnessing the terrible consequences of a lack of yashrut (see the latest from Spinka and how extensively the IRS is prosecuting, U.S. Attorney News Release posted at VIN). But, I'm sorry, chatting about the possibility that mishloach manot might be taxable to the average Joe, isn't likely to promote the increase in yashrut that many of us would like to see.

Some Orthonomic Purim Notes

Honestly Frum is talking about the custom of Yeshiva bachurim going door to door to collect funds on Purim. They often come in limos and alcohol is an issue because besides collecting door-to-door, some of them also drink door-to-door. Those outside of the New York area might not have to deal with this.

This year, a tremendous amount of wealth has been lost and, sadly, many people have lost their jobs. Honestly Frum is calling for a one year hiatus on the door-to-door collections to help givers that can no longer freely write checks (and would probably just prefer to fulfill the mitzvah of Matanot Laevyonim by dropping their check into the Rabbi's basket with little fanfare) maintain their dignity.

What do my readers think? Is a one year hiatus for the sake of those just trying to hold on the right thing to do? (Yes, this is theoretical since few of us can change whatever is planned).

And now unto a subject I need to think about personally: Mishloach Manot. I've done NOTHING and need to get myself together.

Rebbitzen Jungreis, in the Jewish Press, has recommended putting less things in the basket, but still giving out the same amount, while concentrating on gifts to the poor. (It would be hard to put less into the bags my kids, uh, decorate). Fortunately, I don't live in a community where 'basket' means much more than some baked goods and a piece of fruit.

Readers at VIN are duking it out over the idea of toning it down, and just as my alarm clock goes off every morning, many are reminding the readership of its obligation to support those who make their living selling (overpriced) pre-made Purim baskets. I've already addressed the increasingly loud choir here and here. I see no obligation to buy unnecessary things just because someone frum is trying to peddle them. Be reasonable.

In another exchange, one Yated letter writer implored readers to give food that people can actually use, rather than junk. Whereas another reader stated that people are cutting back on all the junk their kids enjoy and the junk would be appreciated. Personally, I love receiving both types of food. I nab up all of the snack foods and my kids a little at a time so they don't go crazy. Fruits get put in a fruit bowl and eaten regularly. (Yes, we sell chometz).

Your thoughts on Purim . . . . . . . . . .
Also, I'm not writing about drinking this year. I've put in my 2 cents in the past. Perhaps a recession means people just won't be buying and the problem will lessen (a girl can wish, right?)

Pretending it Away Part III



A mother wrote Rebbitzen Jungreis in last week's Jewish Press Column looking for advice on how to cope with their new found financial status (husband's business is hurting badly and they lost a major sum of money on an investment they thought would be a "sure thing"). Like many, this family is large, has undertaken the responsibility to support grown children and a growing number of grandchildren, has another daughter in line expecting a wedding like the first and expecting to join the kollel world, and there are still younger children that they pay tuition and camp fees for.

The mother's biggest concern is how to break the news to the kids. She writes, "we have been trying to shield our children from learning how precarious our situation has become, but I don't know how long we can continue this charade," and "Of course they are aware that we have financial difficulties, but they have such confidence in their father that they are convinced that somehow, as in the past, their Tatty will pull them through." Pulling through seems to mean providing for the next as the first. The mother wants to know how to best break the news without causing stress and anxiety.

I think the first thing the parents need to do is come to a clear vision of what their priorities are and what they are not. It is obvious from the letter that the family has a number of priorities, which have yet to competing against each other (not sinking in this economy, marrying off their daughter in the style they married off the first one, paying for tuition and camp for the younger children, continuing to support the older daughter and her family, continuing to keep up expectations, in this case lavish mishloach manot). No matter what the financial situation is at any one time, it is important to have a clear vision of what the priorities are so that the family can come together and focus on those priorities, and let go of things that don't make the list (perhaps mishloach manot), while holding their head up high.

Next, it is important to part with misconceptions of what will be. For example, no matter what, there WILL be stress and anxiety and perhaps even anger and resentment. I think that after developing a vision, it is important to let go of the hope that everything will be hunky-dory. It won't be! There will be major adjustments, especially if the adult children don't make the top of the priority list and are set free with little preparation in this world.

Another idea that this family and other families will need to part with is that everything must be equal. In November 2008, I reviewed a small section of a book which makes the assertion that the larger the family, the bigger the chance that there will be financial inequalities between children. A good starting point to getting through the stress and anxiety is accepting this reality as truth. These inequalities extend back to Torah times. The resentment over inequality is also a reality of this world, or in the words of the Torah, "there is nothing is new under the sun."

Lastly, the parents need to tell the kids and let the older kids plan accordingly. Procrastination rarely makes things better. The parents should be reassuring that despite the challenge, there will be shelter and food. And the parents should let the kids be active participants in the challenge. Letting the kids have ownership in the challenge will help them feel empowered and less demoralized.

How these parents number these competing interests will of course be their own personal decision. As a community, we also face the same competing interests. Anyone want to put the competing interests in our own communities in order?

Book Review in Honor of Purim: No!

I recently finished reading a book called No! Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsch PhD. With Purim a week away, Orthodox media from papers to blogs to list serves are buzzing about the dangers of drinking and intoxication, especially amongst teenagers. I think the uninhibited and danger use of alcohol amongst many teenage boys on Purim is part of a larger problem, the inability for parents to say "No!" to their children. But it is not just the parents, it is the inability of an entire community to say "No!" and set appropriate limits, which is ironic given the number of things that the klal can say "No!" to.*

Long time readers know just how important I think saying "No!" is. So, when I found out there is an entire book dedicated to the concept of "No!," I decided a trip to the library was in short order. This book introduces some basic science of the brain which gives a new dimension to understanding child development and the importance of setting and enforcing limits, with an emphasis on building relationships with your children. The book explains just how vital limits are for raising disciplined, productive adults. Each chapter has a yes/no checklist, some dos and don'ts, and practical advise which helps sum of the information presented in each chapter. The book is an easy read and the author does not get bogged down in scientific terms or psychological jargon. The book is much more of a warm chat over a cup of tea.

The chapters are as follows with some brief notes on the chapter in green:
1. No: Why Kids Need It (Looks at changes in culture, the potential economic impact of low expectations and swollen expectations, and more).
2. Saying No is a Yes Culture (Looks at the challenges from media and advertising in an "instant gratification" culture. Looks at the shrinking attention span as it relates to a culture where children are conditioned to expect instant rewards, be entertained, no have to suffer discomfort, etc. Talks about the important of frustration, pain, and discomfort for building positive character traits).
3. No and the Brain (A short science lesson on brain development, experience and wiring the brain, windows of opportunity and windows of sensitivity).
4. Self-Esteem: Kids Need the Real Thing (An important chapter in my opinion. The self-esteem movement of the 1980's and 1990's has definitely made its way into the frum community and seems to be here to roost. This subject deserves its own treatment in a future post. This chapter looks at self-esteem myths and the importance of attaining the real thing and how to foster it).
5. Styles of Parenting (Husband and Wife working together, building strong emotional connections with children, helping children take charge of their life, staying out of endless negotiations with children).
6. A Baby's First Year: A Time to Connect (Importance of connection and security, Warning against electronic baby media).
7. Toddlers and Preschoolers: Limits and Consequences (Big changes, offering choices, helping children balances their will with the needs of others, consistency, attention getters, impulse control) .
8. Catching Kids Being Good: The Middle Years (Getting out of a Rut, Saying No in other ways, Traps to avoid: doing things for kids they can do themselves, put-downs, overprotection).
9. The Teenage Years: Loosen but Don't Let Go (Teenage Brain under construction, Helping kids put on the breaks, "Neurons that fire together wire together," Importance of Parental Unity or "It Takes a Village to Say No," Chemical Substances an the Teenage Brain).
10. Wired Differently: Special-Needs Children and No
11. Practical Questions about No (Different Ways to Say No, handling tantrums and the importance of not rewarding them, handling defiance, behavior contracts for issues beyond the pale).
12. Taming the Gimmes (Branding, media messages, "Share, Save, Spend" Plan, Thank Yous, high entitlement/low appreciation, allowances should be tied to chores).
13. Raising Media Wise Kids
14. No is Not a Destination; No Is the Road to Yes

Back to the subject of Purim. The Book No! references a study in the footnotes to back up the assertion that "Teen brains are more sensitive to the effects of chemical substances." The study's title is "Age Dependent Inhibition of Long-term Potentiation by Ethanol in Immature vs. Mature Hippocampus," in the Alcohol Clinical Experimental Research 19:1480-1485 (1995) by H. Swartzwelder, W. Wilson, and M. Tayyeb. I found this information online that quotes from this study. The very short of the complicated long is that brain development continues until the mid-20's and that the teenage brain has various growth spurs and is not fully developed as previously believed and is therefore vulnerable to chemicals. Alcohol affects the teenager differently than it affects the adult. Teenager's motor coordination is less affected than adults, but their short term memory and learning is more negatively impacted. Decreased affect on motor coordination allows teenagers to drink more and develop higher BAC levels than adults. Research such as this should be must reads for frum parents of teenagers.

The countdown to Purim is on. Time to figure out how the most effective way to set and enforce limits during the balagan that is Purim in some communities.

*See ProfK's Pre-Purim Rant "Take Cover" where she takes a look at the women's responsibility in this whole mess and tells the wives and mothers that this is one of the battles to fight in a marriage.

Purim Wrap-Up

This year our Purim was fantastic. But the aftermath was even better (no hangovers in our family!) and provided me with a fantastic reminder of just how important it is to go beyond when performing a mitzvah.

As I mentioned in my previous post, we don't go all out on Mishloach Manot packages. In short our packages are rather tiny. Sometimes I feel bad receiving sizable packages when I know I've given only a quarter of what we have received if that. But, I prefer to do the baking myself and have my kids be a part of the effort in a tangible way (sorry, more shopping just isn't tangible. . . we already spend more than our fair share of time in grocery stores).

For the past few years my husband has asked me to take it easy and just do the minimum (2 packages) and send out cards. I think the cards are excellent (especially if I don't have to mail them), but I just haven't jumped on this boat yet despite the many benefits. Somehow making the packages, however minimal, makes Purim into Purim and I can't stop at the minimum because once I make for this person, I feel the need to make for that person.

Of course, when deciding who to make for we have to set limits or we will spend our entire day delivering packages which is frustrating and grueling. Therefore, we tend to limit ourselves to one small geographical area that is easy to hit in one small trip and we like to keep a number of extras on hand for those that are kind enough to stop by and see us.

This year we were headed out for the seudah and limited our geographical area severely. However, there are two old men (a bachelor of 80 and a widow of nearing 90) that we felt should be included despite our time constraints and we made an extra trip, albeit brief and albeit not far at all, to drop them mishloach manot. Since we hit the earliest minyanim, they were not home and we dropped the packages on their front doorstep.

On Monday, both men called to thank us for the packages and the thoughtfulness. The first left a message telling me he hadn't received any homemade hamentashen and just how delicious it was (for me there couldn't be a bigger compliment). The second was happy that we remembered him and was sad that he wasn't home when we came by. Baruch Hashem we did not cut our list even shorter despite the cold weather and the time constraints. I am constantly being reminded that there are people in every community who need to be remembered and who need simple acts of chessed.

Up next, a ton of Orthonomic topics that will hopefully interest you.

Purim Sameach

Since the Orthonomic posts relating to Purim have been covered (see MominIsrael and Ari Kinsberg) and the auxilary topics of Drinking on Purim have been covered (see IndependentFrum Thinker, SerandEz, Moshe Abelesz, Yingerman, DAG, Married and Navigating Jewish Brooklyn, Orthomom). Most importantly see what Rabbi Tzvi Hirsch Weinreb, Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski (posted by DovBear), Rabbi Horowitz have to say.

I'm just sitting back and wishing my readers a Purim Sameach and most importantly a safe Purim. The only thought I feel is worth adding at this point is that the Yeshivot who allow (and even encourage or push) drinking (or smoking or other substances) do a tremendous disservice to the parents who are trying their best. There are enough bad sights and unsavory places that we need to be weary of. The Yeshiva should not be one of those places even one day a year! The scene on Purim is oftentimes deplorable. I hope that we will have the strength to tell our children that they cannot go to the local Yeshiva on Purim when they are old enough because based on the stories that some of the teenage boys who have befriended my husband tell, we just cannot allow it period. And it makes me sad.

As for mishloach manot, I have to wonder when those who really go "all out" on in the mishloach manot department find the time and the energy, much less the money. A few baked goods and some candy or a piece of fruit in a bag is plenty of work for me. Let's just say that baking in the kitchen with my kids is a bit of a zoo. My son really enjoys "helping" Mommy and I am mastering the art of guestimating when it comes to baking. He has probably memorized all of ingredients that go into baked goods, but has no clue about the science behind the art. Why not throw in some extra flour? How about some vanilla Mommy? You mean there is a difference between the 1 on the teaspoon and the 1 on the tablespoon? Doesn't look like a difference to me, they both say one!

This year my husband encouraged me to buy the Purim cards and just fulfill the minimum when it comes to Mishloach Manot. I seem to give it thought every year, but once I'm baking it doesn't really make a difference if I'm dong one batch or four batches. And my packages are so minimal that I'm sure we aren't contributing to any out of control spending. I probably make everything for somewhere between $15 and $30. We like to deliver our little bag of cookies and candies to neighbors, mostly widows or widowers if possible. I don't think I will be switching to the cards anytime soon, especially since I don't want to do away with the spirit that I associate with Purim. But, on that note, I think the cards are great!

One other note regarding Mishloach Manot, please don't be shy about telling people that you do not accept homemade items. The fact that it defies the spirit of Purim, nonewithstanding, I hate to think that perfectly kosher food could be going to waste. There is a comemntary that I read (sorry, no source) that because the Jews did full teshuvah that people could trust their neighbor's kashrut and exchange gifts of food as a sign of that. I don't know the best way to convey that you don't accept homemade items, but RaggedyMom has a neighbor that throws out everything homemae. At the very least you could give it to someone who has no issue.

Today I helped my son make and wrap little packages of his own to give to his friends. We try to make all of the Chagim into a big deal and I try to include our kids in the preparations to the best of my capabilities It isn't easy, but I try to make it fun and keep it under control. We put on our CDs of different Shabbat and Holiday music and have a great time singing and working together. When people hear my preschooler sing they oftentimes ask where he goes to school. Well, the "preschool" is right here in our home, and we don't even have formal lessons. And the biggest benefit is that I don't have to put up with music I don't like as we go straight in for the "real stuff" (nearly all Hebrew and Ladino, but I even tried a little Yiddish Chanukah time-nothing wrong with exposing your children to various sounds and languages). :)

Purim Sameach.