Guest Post on Substance Abuse

I am so thrilled to be able to put up a guest post from the husband of a valued commentor. I welcome guest posts from my readers that related to issues discussed on this blog. I've highlighted only a small number of important points (in orange) that I think are new to the discussion. Both the guest poster and I look forward to your comments.

by Nachshon Zohari, LCSW
-Program Administrator for Substance Abuse Treatment, Denver Human Services
-Certified Facilitator of the Power to Parent video series by Dr. Gordon Neufeld
http://zohari.typepad.com

I am grateful for the opportunity to address this issue. I have worked professionally in the field of substance abuse for the past 10 years, specializing in co-occurring mental health/substance abuse disorders, trauma, personality disorders as well as parenting education and family dynamics. I am also an Orthodox Jew and a father of (k'h) four children. I applaud all of you who are facing this issue directly and honestly.

Many of the comments on this blog post have been incredibly insightful and right on the money. It seems like the main issues expressed are: 1) What practical steps can be taken now to help kids who are struggling with substance abuse, and 2) How do we address the underlying causes of this problem?

Helping substance abusers begins and ends with the concept of confidentiality. It seems that the biggest resistance to getting help in the frum community is the fear of stigmatization. "How can I admit my family is dealing with a drug problem when I'm trying to get a son or daughter married or into a good school?" No professional substance abuse program could operate without strict rules of confidentiality. If I were ever to discuss a client with someone else I would lose my license and my agency would be sanctioned. Self-help groups like Alcoholics Anonymous also base their interventions on absolute confidentiality. So whatever we do as a community would have to have confidentiality at its core.

As one possible step, I would suggest identifying local activists who have demonstrated their ability to maintain confidentiality. These people could be trained in the basics of substance abuse intervention in order to: 1) identify the signs of drug or alcohol abuse; 2) assess the extent of the individual's problem; and 3) refer the person for appropriate treatment. Having a local resource that is trusted to not disclose information related to the problem would be a huge first step in effectively offering a solution.

Substance abuse education can also be quite effective as there are many people who honestly don't see a problem until it is too late. However, talking to kids about drugs is typically less effective than educating the parents. It has been my experience that young people tend to react negatively to "experts" they don't know telling them what to do. These messages are better received from people they know and trust, namely their parents. Therefore empowering the parents to bring up this subject should be the focus of any drug education program. Some appropriate venues for community awareness building could be: PTA meetings, shiurim, community centers, pediatrician and doctor offices, local law enforcement, etc.

Finally, it would be very important to have community leaders (rabbis and otherwise) to bless and support this type of initiative. People need to be reassured that there is nothing wrong with tackling this problem head-on.

Addressing the underlying causes of substance abuse necessitates that the most fundamental need of children is being met, that is, their need for attachment. A couple of responders to the post harkened back to the "good old days" when the child and parents spent more quality time together. Another noted that the kids who get into this kind of trouble often have "absentee parents." This is absolutely correct. We know that feeling disconnected to parents creates a vulnerability too great to bear for kids and that drug abuse is used as a coping device for getting through it. However, others noted that we live in an economic reality that means that we cannot turn back the clock to 1950s America - also correct. So what do we do?

The developmental psychologist, Gordon Neufeld (http://www.gordonneufeld.com), addresses this concern in his book: Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, which is an excellent book that I would recommend to anyone , [my note: see all references at this Orthonomics this book, as well as Mom in Israel’s review of this book, particularly the list at the end, particularly point 7 which is directly related to this discussion]. He describes this same situation of parents and kids separated by work and school. In response, he came up with the idea of the "attachment hand-off" as a solution to this reality of our times.

Nobody can be with their kids 24/7, nor would that be particularly healthy for anyone. There are always times when we need to be apart. But we must be aware that the separation can create feelings of anxiousness and vulnerability in our children. Therefore, Dr. Neufeld suggests that we must encourage and nurture feelings of attachment between our kids and what he describes as our surrogates. Surrogates are adults who interact with our children at school, extra-curricular activities, shul or anywhere else we are not present. To create a surrogate we must interact with that person in front of our child in a manner that conveys, "this person is an extension of myself and just as I am responsible for your safety and well-being so is this person." It is absolutely essential that we consciously map out our child's day in order to limit attachment voids between his leaving us in the morning and his re-connecting with us in the evening. Therefore, one of the worst things we could do is to bad-mouth the child's teacher or school in front of him. This just heightens his sense of danger and creates more need to defend himself. Real problems need to be addressed head-on, which in itself reduces a child's vulnerability and leads to even more trust and confidence in the parent.

Other more homey and old-fashioned techniques can also be used to keep away attachment voids, such as notes in lunch or school bags, coming to volunteer in the classroom on occasions, joining your child for lunch when you can. Obviously, teenagers present more of a challenge in this area. Adolescence is typically thought of as a time of "letting go" and encouraging autonomy. While teenagers are expressing their desire to become more independent and demanding new freedoms, they also have a heightened need for a reliable compass point that they can turn to in times of trouble and confusion - parents are that compass point. Anything we can do throughout the day in order keeps the kids emotionally connected to us will go a long way toward decreasing their feelings of vulnerability and reducing their risk of developing unhealthy coping strategies such as drug use.

I hope that I have succeeded in addressing the two major concerns of the readers of this post. I would be happy to respond to any questions or comments and continue the conversation into areas that were not directly noted in this post.

Nachshon Zohari, LCSW

More Bad News

I already reported the terrible car accident in a Catskills bungalow colony where a teenager crashed a car, thankfully hurting no one in his path, not even himself. Alcohol was involved.

Last week I heard about a terrible accident early Friday morning, where a teenage passenger's life was put on the line. Sadly, he passed away on Shabbat and the levaya was on Tisha B'Av no less. Alcohol was involved. All parties had been drinking.

Newsweek enraged many Orthodox commentors (see YWN and VIN) when they reported on the former accident and asked if there is a growing alcohol abuse problem. I was also informed by a reader that a 28 year old Queens girls passed away during the 9 days from a drug overdose, and I know of another family whose child overdosed and passed on. Heartbreaking.

Personally, I do not know how large the substance abuse issues are in the Orthodox community. None of us have any scientific means to access the problem. Unless there are studies, we can only listen to those who speak out, compare to our own experiences, and listen to our instincts. No matter how you cut it, the news doesn't look too good. My instinct tells me the problem is larger than we care to admit. I've made it into my 30's not knowing a single classmate from my (public) high school who has died in a drunk driving accident or drug overdose, so I am feeling rather bombarded as the period of the 3 weeks comes to a close.

Yet even as these tragedies come to light, an editorial decrying the Anti-Hareidi bias (the writer is reflecting on a story in which a family left one of their 5 children behind in an airport while flying to Paris, not knowing the child was missing until informed by the flight crew) was published declaring how great the Orthodox community is compared to the "secular." The author writes:

When it comes to secular families, and I truly apologize for the generalization, other things happen to the children, and they happen more frequently. Not all parents know where exactly their kids hang out on a Friday night; not every secular parent can swear that his son isn’t familiar with the neighborhood drug dealer.

I don't know who the neighborhood drug dealer is. But, I'm afraid too many young, Orthodox teenage boys and girls are well aware. Is the number comparable to secular teenagers? Maybe not. But too many children in our own neighborhoods are involved with things they should not be and instead of comparing ourselves to others, it is time to start problem solving because problems tend to get worse, not better.

Financial Infidelity II: Gambling

The letter that follow is from this week's Yated Letter to the Editor. This letter fits well into the "Our Finances" series (I and II) and adds to the previous topic "Financial Infidelity" and well as the "Get-Rich-Quick" mentality discussed recently. It isn't the more positive post I was looking to post, but that will have to wait. My comments in orange.

THE GAMBLING CRISIS [Gambling in frum circles deserves a "crisis" label imo].

Dear Editor,

I would like to begin by thanking Rabbi Pinchos Lipschutz and the Yated for the wonderful job done on a weekly basis. The divrei Torah and up-to-date news that the Yated provides to Klal Yisroel is a tremendous kiddush Hashem. Of course, like so many others, I especially look forward to the interesting letters in the Readers Write section. I have decided to write this letter to make the public aware of a problem that is affecting us in the frum community, and I hope you publish it. I have been reading the letters about the shidduchim crisis and money issues, which I wholeheartedly agree are matters that should be discussed in public. This issue that I am writing about is not mentioned in our circles at all and I think it is a growing problem in our community. Parents, wives and mechanchim should know about this issue, which can rip apart families and destroy lives. The issue I am writing about is gambling.

The Gemara says in Maseches Sanhedrin (24a) that a person who is a mesacheik b’kuvya - who bets on pigeons (one who gambles) - is posul for eidus. There is a machlokes as to the reason that this is so. The Gemara discusses whether it is because if you gamble, you are not really letting the other person take the money, and if you win, it’s like stealing, or because since you don’t have a real job, you might take a bribe to say false testimony. Whatever the reason is, it is definitely something that the Torah does not allow (creates distasteful character traits too). What makes gambling such a problem (and anyone who has been involved with it can attest to this) is that like drugs and alcohol, it is very addictive. Whether it’s because of the thrill of winning or the dream of becoming instantly rich, it can make someone obsessed with playing “just one more hand.” There are many types of gambling. There is gambling on Chanukah, where a spin of a dreidel in a ninth-grade class can go for $10 (parents should be outraged if schools allow money, as opposed to candies, to be used in school for Chanukah. . . . I know I would be), or where a quick office game of kvitlach can lose your husband a week’s paycheck in a matter of minutes! (Not mentioned is Chinese Auctions, which I discuss here. My readers know I'm no fan of this popular fundraising method and I wonder if the "gateway" to other types of gambling can start innocently through giving).

Then you have lottery tickets, which can be purchased by a 16-year-old boy using his bar mitzvah money or weekly allowance. (I have yet to discuss "Their money" in much details on this blog, with the exception of this post, but I do think parents must hold their children to an agreement of what is and what isn't an appropriate expenditure with "their money," i.e. the money that have to spend while food, shelter, and education are being provided for them. Money for lotto tickets would not be one of those appropriate expenditures).

The greatest addiction for most men involved in gambling is the game of poker. It has become extremely popular since the turn of the century, with millions getting hooked. There are many places to play, some that are legal, some that are not. There are also online poker sites (they are illegal in the United States, but the owners are very smart and base them out of other countries), where one can play and lose lots of cash from the comfort of one’s own home and with the click of a mouse! The options are endless. It’s an addiction that has caused many people their friendships, their jobs, and, chas v’shalom, their marriages.

I know of cases where wives think their husbands are at work or elsewhere, when they are really wasting their precious time and money playing poker (I have read cases of female "financial infidelity" involving gambling also. But, I think that in general, gambling, would top the list of expenditures a husband does not want his wife to find about, just as designer clothing a wife didn't need would top the list of expenditures a wife doesn't want her husband to find out about).

I know of a few instances where boys have gone into their marriages with thousands of dollars of debt because of gambling and credit card bills. It is hard enough financially for most young couples; starting off in debt and having a gambling problem surely doesn’t help. (Next topic on my list: Should singles ask for a credit report in addition to the Dor Yesharim number?)

I am writing this letter to help publicize this growing issue in the frum world. If you know of someone with this terrible addiction or suspect someone of having it, help them. Rabbeim, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, family members and friends, please help out those who need it.

We have to keep an eye on this growing problem.

May Hashem help us in overcoming any problems or addictions that might be prevalent.

Dice K.Flatbush, Brooklyn

Gambling Addictions and Chinese Auctions

In this week's Jewish Press, a social worker wrote to the "Dear Rachel" column about gambling addictions that she has seen manifested through the ever popular Chinese Auctions. She claims that there are families who diverted needed funds for food or clothing in hopes of winning a coveted prize in a Chinese Auction.

I share her discomfort with using gambling as a form of fundraising (although the suggest that we return to the bake sale and yard sale model strikes me as ludicrous at best) and I have stated so in other forums on j-blogs like Hirhurim.

Rachel dismissed the letter writer's concerns and I think the Jewish Press should be called on the carpet for publishing her advice when it is clear that she knows very little about the subject, its many forms, and the way that the problem can manifest itself. I may have to sit down and pen a well written letter myself this week, even though I am hardly the expert and would prefer to hear from the psychologists/psychiatrists in the frum community that deal with addictions.

I am not that expert needed to address the question, but I have seen enough to know that gambling takes on many forms and that Rachel's assertions are severely mistaken. Two of the assertions include the following (please, please read the entire letter and response for full context):

• If one is a gambler at heart, his/her craving will not be satisfied at a Chinese Auction charity gathering..
• The person who was of the opinion that people need to exercise self-control is onto something. Everyone knows his/her own limits. If someone ends up spending more than what s/he originally intended to in order to secure a better chance to win a preferred item, then the money will have been well spent.

Regarding the first assertion: Gambling takes on many forms. Some people gamble in a regular way, e.g. casinos and their addiction can be more easily spotted. But other people gamble in a hidden way, under the cloak of another activity, for example "investing" or "recreation."

I know a (now ex) husband who borrowed nearly six figures against their home to "invest." He would sit in front of his computer for hours on end watching his "investments," neglecting his (now ex) wife, child, and other obligations/interests in the process. He thinks of himself as an "investor," but I believe he would be diagnosed as a "gambler." I don't believe this person has ever spent any time in casinos, but he satisfies his problem through borrowing to invest with the intention of making money.

Regarding the second assertion: I'm in shock!!! This is probably one of the most ridiculous assertions I've ever seen in a Torah Oriented Jewish Publication. "Everyone knows [their] own limits." Surely if every individual and every family knew their own limits, we would not need a program to help bochurim quit smoking. We would not have a problem with young men and not so young men drinking themselves into comas on Purim. We would not have a problem with fathers or mothers taking money needed for the basic upkeep of their homes and spending it on luxuries.

I agree with the original letter writer: we should be concerned about the proliferation of Chinese Auctions. One never knows who the blind person is and what his/her stumbling block is. While the issue of gambling is one of halachic discussion, the fact that a professional gambler is excluded from eidut should give us a clue that gambling is not a preferred way to raise funds or spend our recreational time.

The Jewish Press should have never published her response.