Spending What on What?!?: Part II

Part I of Spending What on What?!? was the $250,000 mechitza at the upcoming Siyum HaShas, and that isn't even considering the large expense of renting a 100,000 seat stadium.

Part II of Spending What on What?!? has got to be recent stadium rental of Citi Field (capacity 45,000) for a "Mega-Gathering" --Sunday, May 20--to discuss the challenges of modern technology (see VIN report).

Is there not a school auditorium big enough and less expensive than renting a pish-posh stadium?

Tag this: Bleed Money.

Guest Post: Sitting on Thousands of Dollars of Silver Assets

Guest Post from Frum Actuary's Nephew (Thank You for contributing!)

I was in a silver store last week buying a wedding gift, and the proprietor mentioned a couple of interesting thoughts, which got me thinking as well. These strongly affect the Orthodox community, in more ways than one.

1: Couples are not getting silver presents. They get silver & wood, or silver & crystal. Full silver is just too expensive to give as a gift.

2: Everything in his store is a “bargain”, as it was bought (and is priced) when silver was at $28 an ounce (as of my writing this, it is over $36).

3: He has had many people come in to him to sell silver, which is at 30 year highs.

So how does this affect the Orthodox community? The presents that are “expected” by a couple have gone by the wayside. Gone is the day when a Chosson got a gold watch; That would set the father in law back more than a custom Shaitel!

But more interestingly, is that many families, even those without large amounts of funds, are (literally) sitting on a silver mine worth tens of thousands of dollars, just based off of Chassuna presents alone (Liechter & Menorah alone can be worth 10K). How this will affect tuition scholarships and the sort is beyond me, but I can see schools that are desperate for funds literally “raiding the families’ silver cabinet”. There is just too much money there to be ignored. Also Hilchos Tzedaka come into play, regarding giving to someone who is sitting on tens of thousands of dollars of sellable goods.

Halloween: A bit insulting, no?

Update: A commentor suggested a very nice text for a Halloween letter to trick-or-treaters that will be adopted. Just wanted to make sure that hit the text of this post.

Seems the J-blogs are all discussing what to do about Halloween. For the past decade and a half, I can't recall seeing any trick-or-treaters. Maybe neighborhood trick-or-treating is reclaiming popularity. Honestly, I wouldn't know. I get the feeling that the non-Jewish children in my heavily Orthodox neighborhood head to the mall for a more sanitized version of trick-or-treating.

Amongst the suggestions of how to deal with Halloween is this one which appeared on Hirhurim/Torah Musings. I have to say, it floored me. Here is the posted letter and my response, which I hope I kept respectful because clearly the Rav who employs this method is a far more refined and learned than I will ever be:
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ATTENTION
ALL TRICK OR TREATERS!!!!
Instead of taking money to buy candy and treats to give to all of you, our family takes that money and gives it to an organization which takes care of poor and sick children.

We do this because we want to help other wonderful kids who are not as lucky as you because they don’t have enough money to buy fun things (like Halloween costumes), because they are sick, or because their parents don’t live with them anymore.

For each kid that signs below, we will give $3 to help poor and sick children. The more kids who sign, the more money we give, so please sign!
THE [Name deleted] FAMILY
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With all due deference, I find the letter to be rather patronizing, to say nothing of insulting. Unless I am mistaken, those who live amongst us see our children dressed in their costumes on Purim and delivering massive quantities of nosh in fancy baskets. They might see our children hopping from Sukkah to Sukkah where they are plied with sweets. Perhaps they see our kids collecting from the shul candy man weekly. Certainly they see us celebrating our holidays and Sabbath in style, from bringing home treats to dressing up in pricey clothing, shoes, and accessories. They may well work for kosher caterers, kosher groceries, or in kosher bakeries, which would make them well aware of our consumption habits. . . habits they likely could never emulate.

To write a letter informing the children/parents that you have no interest in giving them a measly Hershey's Kiss or two because they are lucky enough to have been able to afford a costume and there are children starving in Africa doesn't strike me as an effective way to educate others about the importance of tzedakah. (And, who is to say that the trick-or-treating children come from intact families? Who is to say that they have enough food on their tables just because they are wearing a costume? (L'havdil) On Purim, when a person asks for tzedakah, do we tell them they must not be in need because their child has a costume on which must have cost money? I think a touch of dan l'chaf zechut might be helpful here.)

Many charities use Halloween as a time to promote their charity. I can't imagine any of them saying, don't spend $5-$20 on candy because there are children starving in Africa.

Perhaps I'm just in a bad mood, but so long as my children get to enjoy the ridiculous amounts of candy and junk, guilt-free, at Shabbat kiddushes, Sukkah Hops, and Purim parties, I have a hard time viewing such a notice as anything but insulting. I'd say that if one is so inclined to acknowledge Halloween, why not let the cute clowns, babies, princesses, ballerinas, Buzz Lightyears, and Superheros have their lolly pops, mini-candy bars, and kisses without a big show. If you have a cause close to your heart, do as some of my non-Jewish friends do, and attach a note to the candy that support military vets, medical research, or cancer patients. If you are not inclined to acknowledge Halloween, turn off the lights and refrain from any participation.

Needed: A Mass Marketing Campaign on Savings and Frugality

I finally read an article in Business Week that nicely stated what I have been saying to my husband for years now:

*The negative savings rate in this country is going to ultimately hurt the economy. The Business Week article stated that a positive savings rate will eventually strengthen the economy. Another Business Week article predicts that hit number 2 to the financial institutions will come when massive amounts of unsecured debts from credit cards is unable to be sold and will be written off.

*This nation needs to *market* good old fashioned saving as "cool." The Business Week article mentioned the success of the the Just Say No campaign for smoking and other government marketing campaigns as models to emulate.

Turns out frugality is making a comeback as families who have been living beyond their means get their wake up call. The Business Week article titled "The New Frugality" profiled a family that got their wake up call that frugality was a necessity when they went to sale their home, which had doubled in value, and only pulled out $60,000. They then realized that they had eaten nearly $200,000 of equity on consumables.

(Hat Tip: Dave) The New York Times has an article this week, The Frugal Teenager, Ready or Not which shows teen discretionary spending is dropping (My word! At the peak the average US teen had been spending more on discretionary items than we do as a family). For teens that are unaccustomed to hearing the word "no" the new economic reality is going to be a bumpy ride.

For the first quarter in 17 years, consumer spending has not grown and is in fact negative . (Stop and digest this figure for a moment please). An entire generation of teens and young twenties has lived an entire lifetime without a period of time where cutting back was on the national agenda. This is really incredible the more you think about it. Marketing is powerful (with a capital P) and this generation has lived during an era of buy now, pay later, creative and even more creative financing (ARMS, interest-only, nothing down), "your home as an investment/piggy bank/ATM", "housing always goes up," leverage your credit to invest, etc, and now we as a nation are getting a taste of (great) grandma's personal finance rules.

The Washington Post had an article on consumers' changing habits which is no Tightwad Gazette, but perhaps more a demonstration about how weak the frugality muscles have become. Buying what you "can get some use out of" seems more like common sense than thrift. There is a story about a mother checking out books for her daughter instead of buying them new, a grandmother paying for her grandson's *Stride Rite* pair of shoes because the mother can't afford them (my husband would like to point out that putting the burden on someone else is in no way an exercise in frugality), and a college sophomore watching tv instead of buying (not renting, buying) movies, certainly underscores the fact that a mass marketing campaign on frugality and saving is in order.

Readers: If you were designing a mass marketing campaign on savings and frugality, where would you start? What slogans would you use? What points would you drive home? And, to keep with the Ortho part of the blog, what messages does the Orthodox community need to hear most?

Bonus: If anyone puts together a quality commercial of their own as a digital file, I will feature it on my blog if you tell me how to do that (sorry, I'm technologically challenged).

The Reason We Are In a Pickle Concluded

I picked out a few select quotes from Rebbitzen Jungreis's columns on visiting day/camp to explain in just a few words why we are in a (financial) pickle as a community, as well as to why entitlement is alive and well.

Reason 1: We are in a pickle is that "we do not want our children to feel deprived or different from their friends" which causes us to undertake obligations that are enormous for our station in life and which erode our financial foundation to say nothing about issues with shalom bayit.

Reason 2: We are in a pickle because we aren't willing to put a stop to things. Grandparents are funding their own children's spending (begrudgingly, perhaps, but the money is still green) and there is little recollection of how to do without or what alternatives could serve as a replacement.

Reason 3: This week's column concludes why we may never get out of the pickle. The message of the column is loud and clear. We all must do the same thing as deviation in unhealthy for children. "One size fits all" rarely fits anyone. I think that visiting day should be built into a budget, but there is no question that for many parents sleepaway camp really doesn't fit in the budget, and that contributes to complaining about the $100-$200 cost of visiting, even though the real issue is the cost of camp, not visiting day. What can I say, it was a disappointment to see the Rebbitzen's conclusions, but I still wanted to finish up my review of the series:

What then is the solution [to the costs of visiting day and camp]?

As I said, this is not one of those black and white situations. Nevertheless, the problem should be addressed, and the camp directors and parents should act in unison. They should consult with those who have expertise in chinuch (education) and benefit from their experience and wisdom. Certainly, nothing should be done without Da'as Torah. Whatever their decision, it should apply to all parents. Obviously, it would be detrimental for some children to have visitors while others have none. Children would feel forsaken and embarrassed if the parents of their fellow campers visited and they were alone.

Here again, we can take our cue from our Torah: When Moshe Rabbeinu charged the Tribes to go forth and do battle against the Midianites, he refrained from ordering the princes to lead, as was customary, for the Tribe of Simon had lost its prince and Moses did not want them to be put to shame.

Time and again, the Torah admonishes us to be on guard not to embarrass or hurt others. Surely, we would not want some children to feel abandoned while others had
visitors. So whatever the decision, it should be adhered to by everyone. May we all be zocheh to see much Yiddishe nachas from our kinderlach.

An Orthonomic Childrearing Question

A reader wrote me offline with an economic childrearing question. The dilemma is as follows:

A woman who lives nearby is a stay-at-home mother of a 5-year-old and 9 month-old. She does not drive and does not have a lot to do. She has a cleaning lady twice a week and food delivered and suppers and lunches from takeout and local restaurants. So she actually seeks out my 10 year-old daughter for company and for assistance on occasion with entertaining her children or watching them when she wants to shower or to be there when she gives them a bath.

She rewards the time and attention very generously with expensive gifts -- the latest was a $54 gift card. A month or two ago it was an engraved gift. She also likes to take this daughter and my younger one along on expeditions to the city where she splurges on things I would never do like the thrill ride at the Empire State Building (a fortune for an experience that lasts just a few minutes) plus lunches out.

This family's spending habits are drastically different from ours. We never lunch out; we pack sandwiches. The closest we come to dinner out is taking home a pizza. Eating out in a restaurant only occurs when are on a trip and can't work it out to pack food for dinner. The reason the neighbor can afford to be so generous is not her husband's high salary (he is a civil servant), but because the husband's parents paid for their house, their furniture and any Yom Tov hotel stays and vacations they take.

I understand this woman is spending the money for her own pleasure, and my daughter is very happy to get $10 an hour for babysitting, and my children know that our approach to spending is very different. But I still am not comfortable with my daughters being a party to such spending. I also don't want to hurt this mother. She must really be lonely if she needs to draw on children for company despite having her own family nearby.

I will put the question out to the audience. Would you be comfortable with such an arrangement? Why or why not?

Challenges to Family Life: The School Schedules

Thank you my guest poster Nachshon Zohari who brought this letter to the editor that appeared in Mishpacha magazine (Issue 219, 27 Tammuz, 5768) to my attention. He points out that it touches on one of the major challenges to encouraging children's attachment to their parents. It is worth reprinting.

"Rabbi S. Aisenstark brought out some very valid points, but he claims that parents are part of the problem and that chinuch is not only the school's or yeshivah's job. He is very right, except for the fact that educational institutions of today do not allow any time for parents to educate their children. My children leave our house at 8:00 am and come home at 5:30 pm. Then they have homework for a minimum of 45 minutes. Add to that all the other activities which the school requires them to do in their own time, like play practice, yearbook, monthly newsletter, G.O. carnivals,shmiras haloshan, etc., etc., etc.

Parents have almost no time besides Shabbos and Yom Tov to interact with their children and show them what a Yiddish home is supposed to look like. They come out of school thinking life is just fun and games (like in camp). It looks like the educational institutions do not trust parents. They also do not teach the children any life skills. Today what is most important to get along with other people is to be a mensch. They come out of our institutions thinking money grows on trees. All I get home from school is "Send money for this or that." The children want everything on a platter and it is not the parents who want it this way."

Another Reason We Are In a Pickle:
Two generations of Unflexed Muscles . . . and the beat goes on

Note: Please note the Guest Post below. I don't want this discussion to override the previous one.

The discussion on visiting day continues over at Rebbitzen Jungreis's column (see original column). I already commented that the reason we are in a pickle can be summed up by one sentence in the column, namely ""we do not want our children to feel deprived or different from their friends."

A second reason we are in a pickle can be summed up by a response to visiting day from a grandmother (her letter really isn't about visiting day but all the expenses related to camp, including camp itself). She asks "when will this all end?" in regards to the high associated costs of camps that include canteens food replacing regular camp meals (the kids just don't like the camp food), going out to eat in Woodmore, expensive trips, designer sheets to be amongst the "in" campers, etc. Yet, she feeds into her own children's hyperconsumption by funding it not once, but twice. She funded camp for her children even when her husband was out of work, and she now helps funds it for her grandchildren.

Although she seems to hit the problem on the nose when she writes, "As for the parents, it seems to me they have abdicated their role - the kids run the show and parents just do not know how to say no," yet she has not yet put a stop to this writing, "I see this with my own children - both parents work and struggle to send their kids to camp, and now my children pressure my husband and me, the grandparents, to help out with the expenses."

So here we have two generations of hyperconsumers with completely underdeveloped (perhaps even disintegrated) frugality muscles and no memorable history of doing without. Just like it is super difficult for an adult year who has never had an exercise regimen to start developing strength, it is super difficult for those who were raised in relative affluence to start exercising their frugality muscle (and the correlating creativity muscle), separating the needs from wants and finding alternatives for the needs and wants.

The grandmother (and plenty of others) asks "when will this end?" I have no doubt that it will end (saying no would help!). Simply, the money is running out. You can talk to anyone who has ever involved themselves in the finances of members of the frum community either as a volunteer (tuition committee, Tomchei Shabbos, etc) or a professional, and they will tell you there are large cracks in the foundation. Change is practically inevitable. . . The real question is how do we want the change to occur?

Do we want to the changes to shock individuals involved and the entire system? I don't. I think sudden change could leave a weak generation very hurt and lost. I don't think most of us could run a marathon tomorrow if it became necessary.

Or do we want to take the bull by the horns, exercising a higher level of control which is far more attractive of a quality than kvetching about how impossible it is to afford being Jewish? Do we want to start getting in better financial shape by making frugality fashionable and taking on a different mindset voluntarily? Do we want to find that our financial footing was permanently eroded, ruining the shalom bayit and simchat hachayyim in many homes, not just because of tuition (which can't be ignored), but because of hyperconsumption because we overspent in far too many categories from clothing, to food and "nosh," to Chol HaMoed trips, to engagement gifts, to wedding expenses (is it really necessary to serve 2 meals at every wedding), to household help, or flowers for Shabbat, to cars, etc, etc, etc.

If I were to answer the grandmother's question "when will this all end" with a question I would point her to Hillel in Pirkei Avot who says "if not now, when?" The economy is slowing down, credit is less readily available (I would add baruch Hashem as the availability of unreasonable amounts of credit helped contribute to growing debts ). Now is the time to end the madness and take control. . . . .and perhaps even learn to say, "no" or at least "I'm sorry, but no."

Taking Back the Mussar

Remember that article titled a "Five-Star Pesach" in which Jonathan Rosenblum posted the comments of an anonymous Los Angeles Rav, known for his "particularly biting style of mussar," who named Pesach hotels as the number one problem facing the Orthodox community? I attempted to write that mussar directed at "others" (in this case Pesach vacationers) was ineffective as the mussar targets other people, rather than causing the receiver to engage in self-reflection.

Now, Mr. Rosenblum has a new article up, "Pesach Hotels: At Second Look," essentially retracting the mussar that he was so taken by and felt the obligation to share. He writes: "To all who wrote to explain why the hotel experience helped their ruchnios experience of the Chag, I can only say, 'I was not talking about you.'

Now that we are back to the seder of learning Pirkei Avot, where we learn that talmidei chachamin should be especially careful that their words are understood, it strikes me just how unclear the messages that are coming from those with a pulpit often are. I understood the Rav's message to be that we are immersed in a culture of astonishingly wasteful spending, seemingly never ending materialism, and that we live in a constant pursuit of entertainment. But, Mr. Rosenblum "[presumed] the rabbi quoted meant is that the external performance of mitzvos, without any inner connection to the mitzvah itself or the One Who commanded it, is the central problem." If the adults are coming away with such different takes, only Hashem knows what state of confusion our children are living in, as they see and hear conflicting messages from us, from Rebbeim, from teachers, etc.

I respect those who are willing to take a second look at a subject. But, I think I could have done without this second look. Perhaps the saddest comment Mr. Rosenblum received in favor of going to a hotel for Pesach (quoted at the outset of the newest article) was from a friend who told him:

"Going away to a hotel allowed him to spend most of his week in the beis medrash, a luxury he would not have had at home, where he would have been the program director for his young children."

I had written about the subject of parents who seem to want to have children, but don't want their children to get in their way (see the case of a father who does not want to "waste" his money visiting his children on visiting day, or see the case of a mother who is mad the schools give a winter vacation and expects them to plan winter camps so she won't be inconvenienced by their schedule, or perhaps you can listen to those in your own backyard complaining about the week between school and camp when the kids are home, etc, etc).

I was blown away that this quote served as the opening argument in defense of Pesach Hotels. While I respect a man's desire to do some extra learning and have some uninterrupted time in the Beit Midrash (something he should be able to do without going to a hotel, but by arranging his schedule accordingly), I must again ask, what good is learning that you don't want to apply to the most sacred job of raising children by actually getting your hands dirty in the process? Why are we seemingly more makpid on the mitzvah of pru v'revu than of being mechanech our children (a job that many seem to want to reassign completely)?

If you had asked me a month or two before Pesach what I found most troublesome about the Pesach hotel advertising, I would have told you the advertising for "Baby Clubs" and full day camps. I find it a sad commentary that a "family vacation" would include separating the family with such ease. I find "Baby Clubs" particularly problematic.

There is a book, which you can probably find at your local library on the Parent Reference shelf by Drs. Brazelton and Greenspan titled The Irreducible Needs of Children. I have not read the complete text, which is series of conversations and wishful thinking between these two known doctors/researchers/professors, but I would highly recommend the section on childcare where the doctors point out the need for long term relationship between babies and their caregivers. In the chapter "The Need for Ongoing Nurturing Relationships," the doctors write, "although consistent nurturing relationships with one or a few caregivers are taken for granted by most of us as a necessity for babies and children, often we do not put this commonly held belief into practice." They write that "[babies and children] require sensitive, nurturing care to build capacities for trust, empathy, and compassion. More recent studies have shown that family patterns that undermine nurturing care may lead to significant compromise in both cognitive and emotional capacities."

I believe that we owe it to our children to be selective about when we utilize outside care for our children and that we don't shuffle too many caregivers through our children's lives. I believe that we owe it to our children to have a far more positive attitude about spending time with them. Our children need and deserve familiar care. They need the nurturing and discipline that comes with established relationships. To think that we can shuffle our children from one "club" to another "camp" to another "activity" in order to concentrate on whatever it is we need/want/desire to do, and not have such bite us (the frum community) in the bottom later is ludicrous.

Perhaps the real numero uno issue is not Pesach Vacations, but Parenting?

A Study in Wedding Takanot Differences

In 2002, the Agudah released a set of simcha guidelines, which continue to be posted b'kitzur in each Jewish Observer. The published guidelines, which have been more or less ignored at least from my perspective, include the follwing recomendations:

• The Vort: Discontinue the vort. The L'chaim held at the time an engagement is announced, should not turn into a Vort. I'm curious how engagement parties became such regular affairs in Orthodox circles. Honestly, I don't really see much purpose in such affairs, but I've already said my piece here.
• The Wedding: Typical families may only seat up to 400 invited guests at the seudah. The kabbolat panim smorgasbord should be limited to basic cakes, fruit platters, a modest buggest, and the caterer's standard chicken or meat hot dishes. The seuda menu is limited to three coures plus a regular dessert. No Viennese table. No bar.
• The Music: A band should consist of a maximum of 5 musicians or four plus vocalist. Recommended: a one man band.
• Flowers and Chupa Decor: Total cost should not exceed $1,800.
• Recommendations: The full text of the simcha guidelines included far more recommendations, including recommending against the nearly universal, practice of matching/coordinating gowns for siblings of the chatan and kallah, as well as "overgifting" during the engagement.

In June of 2007, I wrote a post "Fur Roadblocks." It dealt with trying to change the wedding culture in Satmar from the bochurim up. Recently, the Jewish Press Machberes is reporting on the new Satmar Wedding Takanos (see here, 12/27/07 and here, 1/23/08). As reported, many families are falling into debt over these weddings, and borrowing money they will never be able to pay back.

Much of the Takana deals with organizational aspects of the wedding. Who can attend what events? What time each aspect of the wedding must conclude by? If you aren't Satmar, the details aren't particularly relevant. But, the gift giving details are rather interesting. Parred down parred down from previous expectations, it still sets a high standard imo. Imagine raising 10 children and doing this 10 times over!

• What The Kallah Receives Under the New Rules ("Only four pieces of jewlery are to be given"): Watch, Pearl Necklace, Earrings, Cubic Zircona Engagement Ring (no diamond) to be given first or second Shabbos after engagement.
• What the Kallah Could Receive: Machzor, Tzenah Ur’enah, Siddur, Kerchief and apron (white silk, ceremonial for lighting Shabbos and Yom Tov candles.)
• What the Chassan receives under the New Rules: A watch, A Shas, Kiddush Cup, Menorah, Tallis, Tallis and tefillin bag, Kittel.
• For the Couple: Candelabra (if not purchased by other relatives should be purchased jointly by both sets of parents), Shtreimel costing no more than $1,200 (purchased by the parents of the chassan), Sheitel or head covering (purchased by the parents of the kallah).

What is interesting to me is the difference in the style of the takanot. This is a fascinating case study in differences between communities. The Agudah guidelines do read much more as what an Orthodox wedding should look like at its height (the ceiling). While still allowing for a considerable amount of wiggle room, both a relatively fancy wedding and a very simple wedding (the ceiling and the floor) are proper, as they both fit under the umbrella of this takana. If two sets of parents were to agree to abide by the guidelines, there is still a lot left for discussion and negotiation. But, all those who adhere to the takana, from the floor to the ceiling, can say they made a wedding that met the guidelines.

The Satmar Takana, one the other hand, reads as "benchmarks," with little room for flexibility*. While many parents I'm sure will be saved a near heart attack from the old standards, those without means are still going to have to break the bank by thousands of dollars (times x number children) to pay for the required list of gifts alone. I certainly can't imagine one set of parents going in to tell their new mechutanim why the future SIL/DIL is not going to receive a menorah, pearl necklace, or watch when the standards are laid out so clearly (although there is still room to push the envelope). So, rather than creating an umbrella to huddle under, it appears Satmar adherents will have to walk on a balance beam to meet the benchmarks, not stepping to far to the right or the left.

Nevertheless, I wish all communities that are trying to fight the conspicuous consumption surrounding smachot, weddings in particular, hatzlacha in their efforts. I just with the accumulating efforts would start to speed up.

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Imamother Chassidish participant writes vis a vis flexibility (edited): ". . . .these takonos are so important. In our sect there is no such a thing as a backyard chasunah, Balloons instead of flowers and buffet style instead of a full meal. Everyone has the exact same type of chasuna whether you have the money or not. The same goes to jewelry. There is no such a thing that a girl should get less then a 1ct diamond ring, Bracelet, pearls, watch, earring etc.. Really the ideal would be you have the money you make a big fancy chansunah spend what you want and if you dont you dont make a big chasunah this is what our grandparents did inderheim. There was nothing embarrasing about it. But I am looking forward to see how it plays out. . . . . ."

That's Obscene!!!

A week ago, while we were eating our Shabbat seudot outside of our own home and community, I took a little time before seudah shlishit to review the last chapter of Pirkei Avot where the following is said "This is the way of Torah: Eat bread with salt, drink water in small measure, sleep on the ground, live a life of deprivation--but toil in the Torah!. . . . . " which is followed by "Do not seek greatness for yourself, and do not crave honor. . . . . "

Not even a half hour later, one of the parties present starts talking about an engagement party that someone in their community made for which they had paid he local catereer $20,000. (Just in case you think I added a zero I will verify that: $20,000, $20,000, twenty thousand dollars, a two followed by 4 zeros). I'm not kidding when I say that no one present, except my husband and I, blinked an eye.

I'm not so bold in person, but I couldn't refrain from saying something . So, I inquired "don't you think that its a bit much for only an engagement?" to which this father of married children and modest means started detailing the costs of their son's aufruf, as if spending massive amounts of money was just the most normal thing in the universe and a perfectly acceptable thing for observant Jews to do.

(Just in case you are wondering, there is no way that their *catered* aufruf kiddush alone cost less than $3000 as they paid for 900 heads 10 years ago. I'm not sure how many people were at the seudah following the aufruf, but my husband estimates around 200 people. At another $15 a head, that would be another $3000. And, I'm probably estimating far too low. But I'm not so familiar with NY costs 10 years ago. Maybe I should double all of my guesstimates to $12,000?).

Nonetheless, spending $20,000 on engagement party in 2007, is more than excessive. It is not only immodest, it's obscene!

While I can be more forgiving regarding expensive and lavish weddings complete with many excesses, I just cannot do the same for such an engagement parties (aka "l'chaims" or "vort"). The engagement, in the modern era, has no religious significance, unless one is chassidish and signs a ta'anaim at the time of the engagement. The engagement is not a wedding, nor should it be turned into such.

While few people I know throw a sit-down meals for an engagement party or even hire a one-man band or photographer, few couples forgo a public l'chaim or vort, and one has to ask why? Why have engagement parties taken on such a significant role in the life of a young couple? When did such parties become a "requirement?"

Any other comments on l'chaims or vorts are welcome. Do you feel obligated to attend such events? Have you ever put on a vort for someone whose family didn't put one on? If you had one, did you enjoy it? (At one l'chaim we attended, the young couple told us they'd rather be somewhere else but was just making an appearance). How did you celebrate your engagement? (I insist we didn't have a l'chaim/vort, but my husband insists we did because our parents were both present when we announced an engagement over lunch and we opened a bottle of win. Ultimately I'm just thankful to Hashem that I married someone who thought the simplicity of our engagement was a party. Now that is sweet. Happy upcoming anniversary to us!)

When your Family dislikes your ("Cheap") Simcha

At the risk of outing myself to the other side of my family (my in-laws), all of which I love dearly, I am going to write about a real and personal incident that happened over Pesach (1st days) which hurt us very much. My husband encouraged me to write about this incident because of the unique perspective that it brings to the discussion of simcha craziness, even though it violates some of my own blogging rules. I held off writing about this incident to calm down and gather my thoughts. But, at this point I might as well put pen and paper, or fingers to the keyboard as the case might be.

I know we have discussed various external pressures when it comes to making smachot. What will the neighbors think? What will the mechutanim say if we don't agree to do x, y, or z? Will my son or daughter be treated differently if we deviate from the "standard" Bar or Bat Mitzvah format that their classmates are following? Will my son/daughter feel badly if we put on a lesser wedding for him/her than the standard?

What I have not discussed in great detail up until this point is internal pressures from family in regards to smachot. But that time has come.

Approximately six months ago we were blessed with a beautiful and loving baby girl. Making a simcha for a girl is much less involved than making a brit milah and accompanying Shalom Zachar/Brit Yitzchak for a boy. But when it comes to the festivities for babies of each gender, I appreciate the manner in which each simcha is celebrated (at least in every community I've lived in). Not only is there normally an open invitation to all who want to partake in the celebration(s), but the simcha is one of modesty and simplicity as is appropriate as well as practical, for the time of birth carries with it its own stresses.

For our recent simcha, we decided to sponsor the seudah shlishit at our synagogue. I wanted to make the event there so that all would be welcome and feel welcome. And, my husband didn't want it in our home. He was having a enough difficulty holding down a the home in my extended absence and this was just easier. Being that it was a winter simcha, we decided not to keep the seudah shlishit simple and just sponsor it without changing the regular fare. After all, who wants more and more food an hour or two after they finished eating lunch? In the summer, one might be hungry by the time of seudah shlishit. In the winter months, one has to just fulfill this obligation because it is an obligation.

During lunch of the 1st day of Pesach, I believe the "incident" started when we were explaining to our children that there is no seudah shlishit on yom tov and that eating this meal was an obligation only on Shabbat.

And then my mother-in-law flipped. Nearly six months later, and basically in tears, she started to yell at us about our simcha. How could we have been so cheap? The birth of a daughter is a simcha too and we should have added more food and fancier food. It wasn't nice enough. It was embarrassing! Where I [Sephardi Lady] grew up (a small town), it might be appropriate to make such a "cheap" simcha, but where they are from [one of the more ostentatious communities in the US] this was nothing but an embarrassment. And lastly, if we didn't want to pay for something nice, they would pay for it. But, they wanted something better and we can't do this again.

My husband was as shocked as I was. Primarily we were not sure what triggered such outraged over an event so long ago. My husband couldn't believe that his parents (or mother) could be so embarrassed when they didn't have any friends in attendance. And I couldn't figure out what was so "cheap" about the simcha because, I argued, we did what everyone else does (minhag hamakom).

I'm not sure where this event leaves us. We can't undo the past, nor do we want to (although we had a similar incident hours before our wedding which I wish could be undone because the fight over the centerpieces my mother brought hurt here as well as my husband-and it scared me since I overheard it). We were perfectly happy with our choice then and remain happy with it now. Baruch Hashem, we could have paid more for a simcha, but didn't see the need to do so just for the sake of doing so. [Note: at our son's brit milah we had to give away cakes because there was too much food and no place to freeze it].

But I have to wonder what the future holds for us. With G-d's help we will have more children. And of course there are the Bar and Bat Mitzvah celebrations, all of which my husband's parents will attend with G-d's help.

Will we just pay for more than is necessary for future smachot just because in-laws are insistent upon it? (I don't plan on accepting money, but it is nice they offered since they are the one's wanting more). Will we just continue to do what we want although it "embarrasses" them despite the fact that we are well within the standard in our community?

And despite my meanderings about the future. What really hurt most was the fact that not one other person who was present at the seudah and our simcha said something simple and nice like, "I enjoyed it."

Readers: Just how big of a factor is family when it comes to Simcha Craziness? We've all heard about parents who spend more to impress their friends/family. What about kids who feel the need to spend more to please their parents?

Yuck. Shabbat Shalom.

Five More Pesach Money Saving Tips

An article appeared in the JPost the asks Israelis to 'Think twice about Pessah purchases.' While I think that a rise in spending Pesach time is expected, one has to ask what rise is reasonable. I can't say that I was particularly surprised by the study, but was taken aback by the increase in purchases of makeup for Pesach. Check out the article for yourself.

The article states "owners advertise special deals on many Pessah products but that consumers on a budget must only buy those things they need for the holiday and stay away from excesses. He also pointed out that in order to cut down on unneeded spending, consumers should try to save as many products from one year to the next instead of using something for just one week and then discarding it."

In the spirit of reducing waste and keeping to a tight budget I offer the following tips (I wish I wrote this in November. Maybe next year):

1. Invest in inexpensive tableware, bakeware, and ovenware for Pesach. Disposable plates and cookware might seem to be the cheaper route, but in the long run, they can prove to be very expensive. In my last Pesach tips write-up, I stated "think Pesach all year long." Buying home goods at the last minute is an expensive proposition. Picking them up during a door buster sale in February or August will pay off in the long run, and potentially in the short term.

In addition, if you make Pesach with family and alternate locations, it would be wise to keep an inventory of what everyone has and can bring. There is no need to buy a roasting pan for Pesach another family member can easily show up with their roasting pan.

2. Go easy on the makeup purchases. The holiday is 8 days. This year, Shabbat falls during Chol HaMo'ed. So the days that you can wear makeup are limited, assuming you do not "hold by" Shabbat makeup. I have a lipstick that I reserve only for Pesach. One can also put away samples of kosher l'pesach makeup if they want to wear more makeup rather than less.

3. Shop for new clothing and shoes for yomin tovim throughout the year at end of season sales, on clearance racks, etc. Partaking in the last minute rush will probably give you a headache and is a definite budget killer.

For the last few years I was "in between sizes" and did not want to buy new clothing. This year, I was thrilled to be back to normal quicker than expected and I was able to buy very nice and rather fashionable skirts marketed down to very, very low prices in in late December. I was able to pair one with a shirt and jacket that I already owned, the other with a new sweater I found a few weeks later on clearance. Had I waited until this week and insisted on buying something new, I'm sure I would have paid at least 3 times the price if not more.

But this tip brings me to a new discussion: Does a new outfit really need to be new from head to toe? I think not. But, a large and very frum family that I know (who incidentally was in an extreme amount of debt and in which the husband was frequently unemployed) told me that you *have* to buy new outfits and shoes (!) for everyone. It just isn't a choice, the wife told me. I should have said something, but regrettably I just sat there dumbfounded. I know that they were taught to do such and any argument from me probably would not have gone very far. If there is another opinion out there, it needs to be offered by a leader many times over.

I would love to see Rabbis address what is and what isn't proper expenditures for the Yomin Tovim based on your station in life in less vague terms. Certainly the family mentioned above should be minimizing their expenditures. But, they need permission to do so. If one where to walk through a well-to-do and/or more "black hat" frum neighborhood on Pesach (as I did last year), one could easily be left with the distinct impression that one must dress all of their children in matching and/or coordinating dresses and outfits. One also might get the impression that more than one new outfit is needed, as that appears to be standard also.

4. If you don't want to eat a perishable Pesach product after Pesach, don't buy it or split your purchase with a neighbor. If you find yourself with excess non-perishable Pesach products for which you spent a premium, store them away for next Pesach.

5. If you do your own taxes and are competent in doing so, get them done now if you haven't already. If you are filing an extension and believe you may owe taxes or may owe taxes, send in a payment with your extension. Interest and penalties may have started to accumulate as of the quarter you fell behind on payment. The quicker you can stop interest and penalties from accumulating the better. If you e-file your tax forms through a software program or through an accountant, double check to make sure that they were accepted by the IRS and your state(s). If not, you will need to send them in the old fashioned way. It would be a terrible surprise to forget to check until it is to late (April 16th or 17th depending on where you live).

Related: For those that believe your hand and handle are boleah.

Gashmius NOT on Parade:
A Leader Sets the Tone

Hat Tip: Ari Kingsberg

"Thrift' is buzzword at Ger grandson's wedding" is a recent article that Haaretz ran and it is nothing short of a good news in my opinion. Much ink has been spilled about materialism in the frum world and nowhere is the level of materialism so on display than at weddings. From the protocol of dating, to the expected engagement "gifts," to the accompanying l'chaims/vorts (plural), aufruf/Shabbat Chatan, Shabbos Kallah/Henna, Sheva Brachot, and the wedding itself, the average family is spending a hefty sum. And, for many parents, the wedding is only the beginning of the cash outlay.

Unfortunately the efforts of the Agudah via the "Simcha Guidelines" to reign in weddings expenses on a mass scale have proven to be a failed experiment. And it is really no surprise that the takana has proven unsuccessful on a large scale: There were "loopholes" built into the takana allowing the signers to continue to attend affairs that did not conform should they feel obligated to do so, and the signers are seen at many of the affairs rendering the well-intentioned takana somewhat of a joke. And it is a real shame, because general acceptance of this takana would set a different tone that would benefit the community on so many levels.

In contrast, Chasidei Gur has managed to gain control over their followers through action, although they have long had their own takanot that are more largely adhered to limiting the size of weddings. "Do as I say, not as a I do" is bound to fail, as we all have learned that "actions speak louder than words."

As Haaretz reports: "This wedding was a chance to transmit one message, albeit without words: Cut costs for the weddings of your children and grandchildren." The Rebbe set a tight budget, and while the Rebbe invited all to the chuppah, he limited the seudah to "only a few hundred. . . . while the rest made do with light refreshments. Spokesmen for the Hasidic sect said the rebbe had set new norms that were meant as an example for his followers."

An example it certainly is. And I believe, hopefully not naively so, that if Rabbonim and the "Well to Do" in each community regularly set similar examples the community at large would bring down its standards which are clearly out of control. May the time come speedily in our days.

Related: See my post on Wedding Costs and all the great comments (!) and other posts with the label Weddings. (I'm working on my labelling. It is a long arduous process).