Memorial Day Thoughts

(On a different, more personal note).

This year, Memorial Day has personal tangible personal meaning to me. A number of my high school classmates have been a on tour of duty in Iraq, and one very driven classmate who dreamed of serving in the Armed Forces gave his life for this country one year ago in an elite Special Forces Unit.

I feel fortunate that I went to a high school where being admitted to one of the Military Academies was a more coveted honor than being admitted into an Ivy League, and where enlisting in the Armed Forces was something that was encouraged and deemed honorable. While much of the media paints a picture of the military man (or women) as "victim" of circumstances with few choices in life that was "forced" to enlist in this county, I know that this image is a fallacy. My classmates who enlisted were honorable, driven, and dreamed of serving this nation with pride. It is hard for me not to be jealous of their love for this country and what they are accomplishing in life.

Today we went to a parade and some ceremonies in honor of Memorial Day. The tradition of the day and the music seemed to have more meaning than ever.. I happen to have a special liking for John Phillip Sousa Marches, but somehow today these marches seemed more regal than ever. And, I shed tears and chills went up my spin when the song "I'm so Proud to be an American" was played on the loud speakers.

Having a neighbor and classmate who died so recently to remember definitely brings new meaning to the day. Today, I honor your memory and wish your wife, son, and family all of the best. I know they are extremely proud of you. I also pray for the safety of our other classmates who are serving this country with pride. What all of you are accomplishing is truly admirable.

Talk About Condescending

Update: I am not erasing my post below. However, the author of the post that I was responding to, claims here that he was trying to make a completely different statement about tuition issues than I (and others) thought he was trying to make. Quite honestly, I'm confused. He is the owner of a newspaper and, as such, I can only assume he is trained to make his points in a crystal clear fashion, especially when writing about issues of great sensitivity. I used to document hundreds of pages of processes, observations, and testing and issue reports with finding and recommendations based on my work. If the work was sloppy or wording was not accurate and understandable, I could be assured that it would show back up on my desk with notes of displeasure attached. Those of us who are offering our opinions to the J-public should treat our work as if it was being reviewed by a supervisor.

The editor of the Five Towns Jewish Times, Larry Gordon, seems to be responding the the outrage the Five Towns that Orthomom reported on here.

I found the below extremely condescending and I hope I understood him correctly. He seems to imply that the problem families who are struggling is having is the inability to prioritize their expenses. While there are people who are quite wasteful in our communities (and who might be receiving breaks), I can tell you about higher-income bracket families who struggle to pay the utilities bills after tuition is paid, don't send their children to camp, drive one car, and haven't ever made a sit down meal for a child's Bar Mitzvah. I can tell you about decently modest families who are carrying more mortgage on their homes than they started out with many years ago and are of retirement age. I can also tell you about modest families that put their living expenses on the credit card after they pay for tuition and the debt they are in would make a credit counselor's head spin.

As for the second highlighted comment about speaking Executive Directors regarding the situation of those who are not shouldering enough of their burden, I'm not 100% sure where he is going with such a comment, but the administrators of our schools design the all-intrusive scholarship forms that analyze practically everything under the sun (from the WIC/Food Stamps you are receive to the make and model of the car you drive) except perhaps the value of the sheital sitting on your head. If the all-intrusive scholarship form is not detailed enough, than they need to "reform" it rather than pontificate that the klal lacks integrity.

He writes: (Note: I corrected spelling and highlighted the portions I am concentrating on).

On the matter of a local Yeshiva raising tuitions by 15% without any advance warning or notice, one has to wonder who makes these decisions and how are they made? Clearly, if the decision to introduce such a significant tuition increase was being made by people who can be identified with the average middle level income earner and they believed that such an increase was needed, there still might be objections and complaints but it would have certainly been more calmly accepted.

The odd thing is that just about all Yeshiva boards are dominated by personalities in upper level income brackets. When it comes to paying Yeshiva tuition and the struggle that exists therein for many, one needs to understand the process and what it means to prioritize one's expenses in life along with the matter of pride that is involved in so many large families who are challenged to make ends meet but who sacrifice mach so that they can pay their children's tuitions.

In talking to Executive Directors at our Yeshivas it becomes clear that annual tuition increases-whether subtle or extreme-are always analyzed because of the belief that far too many people who are capable of shouldering a greater portion of the cost of Yeshiva education are getting disproportionate scholarships and tuition breaks. As usual that which is needed more than anything else is a little more honesty and integrity. Look around at what is happening in communitieses like ours around the world and you should continue to acquire a greater appreciation for the simply priceless value of a solid Yeshiva education.

Alumni Relations and Fundraising

One excellent idea that has come out of the tuition threads at BeyondBT (see here and here) is the idea of reaching out to grade school and high school alumni for contributions.

I do find it incredible that both tzedakah agencies that I have donated to, as well as ones that I have never donated to or possibly ever even heard of, managed to find me and fill up my mailbox, quite literally, before I had even moved into our new residence. To make a long story short, not even the IRS or the Social Security Administration were this efficient!

And, while handfuls and handfuls of causes had located us, we have not once (since my husband graduated high school) received a solicitation from either his grade school or high school.

While Yeshivot scramble for funds through all sorts of venues including the all too common raffles and Chinese Auctions, it would seem logical that day schools and yeshivot would scramble for some minor (or possibly even major) funds from their very own graduates.

I don't think that a month goes by (sometimes even a week) without at least one solicitation from one of our institutions of higher learning. And, it is not just the Universities that solicit, but the various programs and clubs that we were involved with while enrolled in the University.

I'm making an assumption that the soliciting which Colleges and Universities engage in is profitable, and I can't imagine that a concerted effort on the part of days schools and Yeshivot wouldn't manage to pay off too, especially for schools located in areas that alumni don't generally return too.

Alumni relationships begin while the alumni are still students: Unfortunately, many schools manage to destroy any chance of ever receiving a donation from future alumni by the way they treat certain students during high school. My husband's high school is one of those schools and will, to their own detriment, never even make the top 100 list of priorities. And, I can't blame him. The school humiliated students whose parents were not paying full tuition (even if their scholarship was extremely minor, and something that dignified parents would normally be more than happy to donate back to the school at a later date, if the school only bothered to treat them with dignity). And, the school was extremely critical of any student that did not follow the prescribed post-high school path, also a quick way to destroy relationships with students and their parents.

While it may be understandable that a high school wants its students to pursue a certain path in Torah (and academics or professional development), it is also important to remember that when all is said and done, an upstanding Shomer Shabbat Jew should be someone to celebrate, not denigrate. It is amazing that some of our school's visions are so shortsighted that they engaged in richuk kerovim (pushing away the close), pushing away future donors.

Untapped resources: And, alumni are also not just potential donors. Alumni are potential future parents, as well as a school's best marketers and spokesman. When bitter feelings remain years and years after graduation, it should be obvious that something is wrong.

Alumni and parents of alumni are also untapped resources. At my (public) high school, I can think of a number of alumni and parents of alumni that stayed involved for years after their graduation or their children's graduations with extracurricular programs. They worked as unpaid (yes, free) coaches for sports teams and support staff for the marching band. There were parents who continue to make time to lecture at the annual career day, speak on various sensitive health topics, and who serve as sideline doctors for the sports teams, all without pay.

An extremely bright and talented classmate of mine in college, taught an academic elective class in economics at his Yeshiva High School two or three times a week without pay. He told me how much he enjoyed his high school and this was his way of showing his hakarat hatov and his way of giving to the community when he could not help financially (being that staff is the largest cost of a school, he certainly was giving financially, albeit indirectly).

Students take all sorts of paths in life. It would be neat if we tapped into non-financial alumni and community resources and enhanced our students education through the process. I imagine that if alumni and community relationships were cultivated, there would be alumni willing to give high school students a primer on basic home repair like painting and laying tile, basic car repairs like changing the oil, or a seminar in basic budgeting, tax, and finance. One can imagine, can't they?!? (I know that if the local school offered seminar in basic home repair, I'd beg to go and donate generously. I am clueless!).

In Conclusion: There are many resources in or communities, some directly financial, some indirectly financial. Many of those resources are untapped. Alumni loyalty and relations should be developed while students are still in school. Alumni are your best spokesman, your best marketers, and some of your strongest resources. Don't let this area go undeveloped.

Blog Roundup: May 23, 2006

I have so many topics I plan to post on, and no concept of what order I want to post them in. So, in the meantime, I will just point my readers to some interesting discussions going on in the j-blogsphere. (Note: I do not agree with all conclusions or the comments, but think these are good reads).

And, very soon, I will put up a post on a new subject.

Sexual Abuse:

Gil Student has added a post called "Protecting Our Children, Protecting Our Teachers." The title is extremely similar to the title of my last post, "Protecting Our Children, Protecting Ourselves," and we share a similar approach that our discussion should revolve around protection, not the most recent case in the limelight. However, I had some discomfort with some of the underlying assumptions and premises of Gil's post, and it seems that Steven I. Weiss has addressed some of those concerns, mainly the assumption that we can self-police, something that I think is near impossible for the frum community to do and something that both the Agudah and Torah U'Mesorah seem to oppose based on their opposition to certain legislation. SerandEz follows up with a critique of Canonist's post which too has valid points. Put these three posts together and it leaves a lot of important things to think about!

Jewish Student and RenReb takes a look at the fact that we all too often don't educate our children at all about sexual abuse, which, in my opinion, is a necessary piece of the puzzle.

Daas Heydot also has a great post on the subject.

OntheMainLine points out some comments from a principal of a school of 1400, Paul Shaviv, on the issue of the charismatic leader and which are extremely interesting and are related to the topic at hand.

Bullying

Orthomom has a post about bullying that is important. Like sexual abuse, bullying is a problem across all societies and it hurts a lot of children unnecessarily in its wake.

Tuition Issues

Orthomom has a post on a local school raising tuition-12%!- unexpectedly (after people have decided for the most part on the school for their children for the next year), and then giving discounts based on assumptions by the board, a complete haphazard process.

MOChassid points out that administrative staff costs and fiscal transparency are red herrings in the tuition discussion. The first post in the latter about combining resources and going after large donations is a must read. Note: I think that more transparency is needed, mostly to increase trust, as I don't think there is a whole lot of waste going on.

Jewish501c3 has a post entitled "Redundancy, not tuition, is conquering all." This post is really up my ally. It addresses the lack of cooperation and the lack of forward thinking that is all too prevalent when the topic of Yeshiva funding comes up. Check it out!

OutofTown has a list of her own tuition suggestions, and a discussion about sending tuition to collections in the comments section.

JH of JewishPros follows up that discussion with two posts of his own: No Child Left Behind is a response to OutofTown's post. Another post looks at Collections and Billings.

And, here is an interesting and developing discussion on BeyondBT that combines shidduch issues and financial realities. I believe this discussion is pertinent to all frum Jews, not just BT's.

I'll be back soon with some new posts.

Protecting Our Children, Protecting Ourselves:
Sexual Abuse and Necessary Guidelines

If you aren't living under a J-blog rock, I'm sure you are well aware that an ugly subject has reared its disgusting head. I think I'd be hard pressed to find a subject that horrifies me more than the very fact that my children might not be safe around the authority figures that they will encounter over the years.

I'm not going to give any background on the sexual abuse case that is being covered in a prominent New York publication, since this particular case is not the focus of my post, nor is any other case in the frum community that has come to light in the past few years (and, sadly enough, I'm familiar with a number of cases including one from a camp where a good friend worked).

The focus of my post is two fold:

1. To bring to light the fact that there are sexual predators in every community out there, including our own, that we need to protect our children from.

2. To bring to light the fact that we need to protect ourselves from potential false accusations of sexual impropriety by enacting common sense guidelines for this day and age (which ties in directly with the first subject of my post: protecting our children).

It is Our Problem Too:

Many people in our community would like to believe that frum Jews are immune from problems of sexual abuse, impropriety, and misconduct, merely by the fact that they are "frum" Jews. Even an amateur study of the perpetrators of sexual crimes against children will be able to draw the conclusion that pedophilia is not restricted by race, religion, socio-economic status, ethnicity, or creed. Pedophilia is a disease that affects all communities, everywhere.

A perusal of the Sexual Offender Registry for my neighborhood indicates that my neighborhood has a sexual offender in frum uniform, and I'm sure that if you are living in a sizable frum neighborhood, that you too have a convicted sexual offender in frum uniform in your neighborhood.

Some Facts about Sex Offenders:

Once you have removed any rose-colored glasses and are able to admit that the frum community is not immune from harboring sexual offenders , you might want to arm yourselves with some Facts about Sex Offenders (a summary is below, please see the link for more important facts):

1. Most men who commit sexual offenses know their victim.
2. Most sexual assaults are committed by someone of the same race as the victim.
3. Most child sexual abusers do not use physical force or threat to gain compliance from their victims.
4. Most child sexual abusers offend against children whom they know and with whom they have established a relationship.
5. Most sex offenders are male, however, there are some female sex offenders.
6. The majority of child sexual abusers attracted are not exclusively attracted to children.
7. Victims of sexual assault are harmed with or without the use of force. Emotional and psychological injuries cause harm that can last much longer than physical wounds.
8. If a child does not tell anyone about the abuse, it is not because he or she consented to it.
9. It is common for both child and adult victims of sexual assault to wait some time before telling someone about the abuse.
10. Some sexual offenders prey on one type of victim (child or adult), others prey on a variety of victims and precautions should be taken regardless of his crime of conviction.
11. It helps the victim to talk about the abuse.
12. Sexual gratification is often not a primary motivation for a rape offender.
13. Offenders need interventions and treatments. They cannot stop their sexually violent behavior on their own if they wanted to.
14. Men who rape do not do so because they cannot find a consenting sexual partner.
15. Drugs and alcohol do not cause sexual offenses to occur.
16. Adult and child victims of sexual abuse are never to blame for the assault, regardless of their behavior.
17. Sexual assault victims may not say "no" or not fight back for a variety of reasons. Lack of saying "no" does not mean that a victim was not assaulted.

So, what can we do to protect our children?

A good resource can be found here. I've highlighted some ideas and added some thoughts below.

Speak to our children in an age appropriate way about sexual abuse. For those that are worried a talk about sexual abuse is a premature chatan or kallah class, you will be glad to know that talking about sexual abuse to young children, does not have to include talking about sex/sexuality at all. In fact, it really should only be an extension of ideas that have already been introduced to them as they learn about the Jewish way and halacha.

Younger children should know that their bodies are private, that nobody should touch them underneath their clothing, that they should only go to the bathroom with Mommy or Daddy, that they must tell Mommy or Daddy if someone makes them feel uncomfortable in any way (which includes touching, but could be something as "little" as not giving them adequate privacy or personal space), even if that person said it was a secret or that they would hurt them if they told someone. Older children, can obviously be introduced to more "adult" concepts as they become more mature.

Parents should pay attention to the relationships that develop between their children and the adults (or older children and young adults) in their lives. The facts about abuse show that abusers do not randomly grab people off the streets, to abuse them. They use familiarity to gain access and within a long-term, ongoing relationship, the abuse escalates.

Parents need to pay attention and listen to their children. When something is not quite right, children often make that known, even if they do not use words to express themselves. Pay attention if your kids to not want to be around someone or if someone is giving them attention that seems out of place. If something doesn't seem quite right, it may not be.

We as parents and community members need to make ourselves into leaders. We should be asking our children's schools, camps, and daycares about what their hiring process and insisting in no uncertain terms that it must include a thorough background check. Obviously, when hiring caregivers for the home, the same background check should be performed. If our children are away at sleepaway camp, we should have a schedule and know where our children are and who they are with.

What can we do to protect ourselves?

I am surprised that when sexual abuse is brought up in the frum community, the missing element is a discussion about protecting adults from (false) accusations is not a focal point.

Those of us who have worked in a professional capacity, be it in civil service or private industry, have been subjected to the sexual harassment workshops. These workshops educate employees about how they should be behaving in the workplace in order to avoid accusations down the line. E.g., when one meets privately with a subordinate after hours, it is hard to protect oneself against an accusation, true or false, because the behavior was inherently unprofessional. Contrast this to meeting with a subordinate in an office during regular business hours where the secretary is sitting right outside the door and is free to walk in anytime.

I find it shocking that in today's day and age, that many of our schools have not instituted codes of conduct and safeguards that protect the school and its employees. Lawsuits can cost a community dearly, especially if there is negligence and the insurance will not cover such! While safeguards are not foolproof, I believe they go a long way in protecting everyone: employees and students.

Our Rebbes and teachers are to be commended for the great amount of energy that they expend on keeping students up to speed, in making learning enjoyable for their students, and in forming relationships with their students. But, lines still need to be drawn in the sand, made known to the parents, and enforced by the administration. (And, I would say that actual sexual abuse that is discovered, needs to be dealt with by the authorities) .

I'd like to hear my readers ideas of appropriate guidelines. Some of my ideas would include: Tutoring outside of class hours should be done in public places, either in the Beit Midrash or at the home of the parents. Overnight trips and Shabbatons should include supervision beyond that of the Rebbe and his wife.

Schools should perform background checks and maintain accurate personnel records. It is imperative for schools to enact guidelines and it is imperative for parents and community members to have a place where complaints can be brought and investigated without bias.

I would also say it is imperative that all authority figures (administrators, teachers, and camps counselors) be registered in a central data base and that any complaints be recorded there for a hiring school to take into consideration. Without a central database, we have to rely on those who hired the Rebbe before. Unfortunately, we can't always rely on all employers and need a greater level of protection.

I'm open to reader comments. Please chime in.

Lag B'Omer Mini-Meme

JewishProfessional tagged me with my first meme ever! Fortunately, since I am currently functioning on a big lack of sleep, there is only one question to answer: What was the first song I listened to on Lag B'Omer?

I hate admit it, but Lag B'Omer was such a busy day, that between the craziness and the tons of tasks that needed to be completed that ranged from an emergency cleaning of the bathtub to the irregular tasks that needed completed that day, I didn't realize until this meme started floating around that I had forgot to do what I had been looking forward to doing for weeks: playing piano, specifically Mozart and possibly some Beethoven or Bach.

Since Lag B'Omer was spent driving around from one task to another, I did have the chance to listen to the radio, but I couldn't find anything good on, so and I ended up listening to Talk Radio for yet another day.

What ever happened to that oldies station on my radio?

I now tag Jewboy, AlanLaz, and Esther.

Tuition Crisis Story Number 1

My kind guest contributor has graciously volunteered to answer questions relating to his story. Please use this new post as a place to ask questions and have them answered.

A big thank you to my first guest contributor for his bravery and kindness.

Guest Post: Heartwrenching Tuition Crisis Post 1

A reader of my blog and of BeyondBT sent me the story of his personal tuition crisis for me to post. It would be near impossible to not be moved to tears by this man's story. The incredible mesirat nefesh that he has shown in bearing and educating his children in Torah schools is near incomprehensible for me (and I'm sure I'm not alone in expressing this) and the incredible financial burden of tuition is just heartwrenching.

I think that it is extremely important that stories like these are published. All too often, people say that if we were to cut the extravagance and put our priorities in place, that tuition would not be out of reach. But, the truth is that while some people live extravagantly and then claim poverty in front of the tuition committee, there are many more people who live extremely modestly and frugally that are being crushed by tuition, eaten alive by debt, and have nothing saved for a rainy day. These people are not trying to cheat the system. They are trying to pull their weight. But the weight is building and it is becoming harder to bare.

Below is the first story. Absolutely no changes have been made and it is printed in the original. I welcome more Guest Contributors, but will limit my postings of such stories to no more than one a week, since these stories are as difficult for me to read, as they will be for you.

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To Sephardi Lady,

I am writing this to you because I have been following the incredible thread on the Beyond Teshuva website. I am hoping you can post my story for me.

Basically, people are talking about ways to reduce tuition down to as low as $3500 per child. Well, I can't even afford that or anything near it.

I have, BH, more than five kids. I have been paying tuitions for more than fifteen years now. I usually paid by head check and whether we had the money to cover it or not we rarely told the school to hold it. Nevertheless, we were always short for money and often paid for all our other necessities in life via the all-mighty credit card.

Well, over time credit card debt mounted and mounted. Someone mentioned about refinancing his home every three years. We haven't done it every three years but have had to do it or something like it (open a line of credit, uncomfortably large loans from non-frum family) too often. The last time was to pay off credit cards and other debts approaching six figures. Yes, $100,000. On credit cards with 25-30% interest.

We wiped that out when we refinanced recently, but in reality we will be paying off this debt for 30 years. I'm not sure how much of the refinanced mortgage is interest from old credit cards, but whereas others refinance for home improvement or even to pay for a chasuna, we will be doing it in great part for the next 30 years to pay off in effect back interest owed Citibank, Chase, etc.

Ouch. That's why the Torah calls interest, neshech, "bite."

I simply cannot make ends meet. And we live very frugally. We have a tiny house (down payment paid for via family), what they call a "starter house," though I am not starting out. I drive a 15-year old car and my wife drives one going on seven years old and making noises like it needs a new transmission (not covered in the warranty now). We -- as a family or couple-- rarely take vacations; and they're short an inexpensive when we do. No one has an addiction to expensive clothes, jewelry or the like. I work but my wife does not. I made $85,000 last year, but never made more than that in the past, sometimes a lot less. My wife does not work, as I said, but is finishing school and hopefully will bring in $45,000 next year.

This year the business where I work is down, and I may not even make $65,000. That along with the debt has led me to tell the schools last January (after I refinanced) to hold my head checks. I explained our situation to them and said I hope things will change. One school seems genuinely sympathetic. They have not called me once since we paid last. They even called me up about attending their dinner (for free) but did not bring up unpaid tuition. Another school has been particularly easy to work with an gave me a tremendous reduction. (They are a wealthy HS who can afford the shortfall created by people like myself.)

However, one school, while saying they're sympathetic, has let it be known they do not to let anyone off the hook for the minimum they require no matter what their situation. They may insist on full payment of this year's tuition before allowing my kids to continue there next year. I don't know. Even if my wife goes work next year, however, we will have our hands full to pay next year's (reduced) tuitions. (When my wife starts working she will have to begin paying back student loans -- $50k+ -- as well as buy a new car, with new daily gas expenses, for her commute.) Nevertheless, I am fearful they will insist I pay the thousands of dollars of back tuition from this year, which I do not have and probably will not have.

I have told myself internally that I will not go back into credit card debt. If that school insists on me coming up with money that I do not have, or they will not allow my kids to return, I will be at a crossroads, a very dangerous one. I am beyond crisis (my suggestion for a blog after my own situation). I was in crisis ten years ago, even if I didn't necessarily know it. I cannot live in debt any more. I refuse. And a part of me will self-destruct rather than return back there. I've told me wife I will keep them home rather than get back into debt; of course, since both of us will be working we have neither the time nor ability to homeschool. As you can imagine, this causes considerable friction between us. (FYI, people on the thread wondered if we are in crisis; on the individual level willingness to self-destruct is a sign of real crisis.)

Another point to keep in mind is that my kids are good kids, some even top kids. In academics and middos. BH. I have given everything to be frum and raise them in Torah ways. My wife and I contribute our services in various ways to the community; I was even in chinuch once myself years ago.

From my perspective if, at this point, and after so many years, after so much concrete evidence of mesiras nefesh on my part for Yiddishkeit and my kids, if a school does accept my kids because I can't truly afford tuition, then it is great condemnation of the school, the community, if not the generation. It's hard for me to be objective about my own situation but instead of intimations of excluding kids, veiled or otherwise, it would bea great load off my mind, as well as a great mitzvah and kiddush Hashem, if someone in the yeshiva actually went out of their way to say to me, "Your track record proves you've been a real warrior. We trust you. Here's a realistic very reduced tuition goal for you we'd like you try to reach. We won't ask for back tuition, head checks or pester you. Just tell us you will genuinely try your best to do what you can to meet it."

That would go a long way toward restoring my faith in the lifestyle I took on so innocently years ago.

Hishtadlut, Segulot, and Shidduchim II:
A Follow-Up

I believe that my post on Hishtadlut, Segulot, and Shidduchim has generated the most comments and possibly even traffic than any post to date so far. So, I thought it would be appropriate to follow the post up with a very, very short, real life story about this very subject and my response.

I was visiting my friend, a divorced lady who would very much like to be remarried, not too long after I wrote my last post. I wasn't sure how relevant my post was to real life until she began a conversation with me regarding her quest to marry.

She was recounting to me how so many women keep suggesting segulot for her to try to get married. It was difficult to keep a straight face being that I had only written the post on hishtadlut, shidduchim, and segulot days before.

She also told me how her friends are trying all sorts of segulot, but nothing is happening. Apparently, one friend of hers has flown to Israel to visit Amuka seven times. I really hope her friend did go on some dates after such an effort, because seven flights to varied locations could really gain a person a lot of exposure.

My response: Tell the ladies that suggest segulot to suggest shidduchim instead! I don't want to cast too many aspersions on segulot that I am not particularity educated in, but I do know that without dates, one is highly unlikely to get married even if they drink the entire cup of kallah's wine from sheva brachot. And, unfortunately, not one segulah suggestor, has suggested a shidduch.

No Mention of Hishtadlut?
Some Comments on Shidduchim

A "older single," which could mean anyone over 22, has complied a list of 19 Segulot and presented them to the readership of the Yated. She has included an additional reminder that singles should continue to daven and have emunah and bitachon.

I was surprised (well, not really, this is the Yated) that after listing 19 segulot in a row (of which I question how many of these, if any, actually have a mesorah, but that is a subject for another time), there was not a single reminder about hishtadlut!!! Emunah, bitachon, and tefillah are important (I can't say the same for tefillot), but so is hishtadlut!

The list of segulot includes visiting holy places in Europe or the kotel, an endeavor that costs in terms of time and money, but there is no mention of picking up a phone or getting in your car to visit a city outside of your immediate metro area to make a connection.

And, let me tell you, there is no shortage of people who are line up for the next challah baked by a tehillim saying group of ladies, or singles ready to hold your jewelry during the chuppah (there is a shortage of jewelry though!), but there are a shortage of people who are willing to look beyond the resume/profile, be proactive, and make a phone call directly to the subject of interest. All of the segulot and tefillot in the world won't do much for you if you don't actually go on dates.

I have tried to arrange many a shidduch date and as of late, I can say that I have sadly lost a lot of drive and fire to work on shidduchim. I used to spend many hours on the phone, trying to help make connections and help arrange dates. But, as of late I have come to find the task frustrating.

Of course, there have been some easy going singles who are just a pleasure to set up. They hear about a potential date, trust my recommendation, and are more than eager and enthusiastic to make a phone call and take things from there. These friends make arranging dates pleasurable and satisfying.

But, then there are the rotten moments that can easily overshadowed the pleasurable moments. For example:

• I presented a fantastic Ben Torah with a great professional career and the ability to support a family to a person looking for just that profile, but was told he was too short. There was no chance of these two people even talking on the phone, must less going on a date.
• I gave a friend references for a young lady that might be appropriate for her sincere and kindhearted son who is learning at YU and has a Chareidi bent and would like to learn as long as possible, possibly in Lakewood. One of the Rabbis on the reference list actually yelled at my friend's husband for daring to suggest that their YU boy would be good enough for this girl who was looking to marry a learner. Never mind that the girl's yichus is flawed and nobody in the neighborhood is knocking down doors to land a date with this very sweet girl. Never mind that the boy is a real Ben Torah who is known for his middot, his devotion to learning, and his drive to learn Torah from all who teach it (that wasn't even discussed). Never mind being nice and polite and asking further questions. Just shoot the messenger and make the middleman (that would be me) feel terrible that the father received such abuse! There was no possibility that these two people would ever speak, even for a minute.
• I suggested an idea of a shidduch and worked on most of the odds and ends for approximately three months, until both would be in the same country to meet. Both mothers were excited about the possibility, but the Rosh Yeshiva had to approve the match before the boy and girl went out on a date. Three months of work was halted after the Rosh Yeshiva said no. And, at that time, I didn't lack fire, so I called the Rosh Yeshiva and spoke to him (bold move for an unconnected woman). It was a rather painful experience as I was told that all I had were two names out of a phone book when both mothers were my friends and I'd put in hours and hours of work. In just minutes, the possibility of these two young people speaking was a lost possibility.

I wish that I could re-kindle the flame and get some of my enthusiasm and drive back, but I am a person who likes to complete tasks. I get a high from completing a professional project, and I get a high from completing a load of laundry. If I could manage to actually manage to get two people on the phone speaking to each other more often, I'd feel a sense of accomplishment and want to feel that sense of accomplishment again.

It is probably not fair that this letter struck such a bad chord with me. After all, the single lady only is seeking to provide a service to the readers of the Yated. But, providing a service is all that amateur shadchanim want to do too. Somehow a list of segulot touched a bad nerve with me, since I believe that more success could be met by actually making phone calls and going on dates than by eating the "zeroah from the ke'orah on Pesach" or by "opening the door by Shefoch Chamoscha at the Seder."

Looking forward to hearing comments from the readership. And, of course, lots of mazal to those who are "in the parsha."

Here is the text of the Letter to the Editor Below:

SEGULOS FOR SHIDDUCHIM

Dear Editor,
Thank you so much for your stimulating and insightful newspaper. As an older single, I am writing this letter to share with those in the same matzav some ideas that people have suggested to me as a segulah for finding oneÂ’s zivug.
1. Say Shir Hashirim for 40 days.
2. Say Perek Shirah.
3. Daven at the Kosel for 40 consecutive days.
4. Daven at Amuka (the kever of Yonason ben Uziel).
5. Visit mekomos hakedoshim in Europe.
6. Eat the zeroah from the ke'orah on Pesach.
7. Open the door by Shefoch Chamoscha at the Seder.
8. Drink from the kos shel bracha at a sheva brachos.
9. Organize 40 women to bake challahs and say specific kapitlach of Tehillim.
10. Daven at the kever of the Baal Shem of Michelshtodt.
11. Daven at the kever of Rav Aryeh Leib - the Plotzke Gaon, the Maharal Tzintz - and give money toward the publishing of his seforim.
12. Hold a kallah's jewelry at her chasunah during the chupah.
13. Say korbanos every morning during Shacharis.
14. Say the special tefillah every day from the Shela Hakadosh.
15. Daven early and say Tehillim Purim morning.
16. Learn Sefer Shemiras Halashon every day.
17. Have a 24-hour mishmeres on shemiras halashon.
18. Perform the mitzvah de'oraisa of Shiluach Hakan.
19. Give matanos la'evyonim to aniyim in Eretz Yisroel.
The list could go on and on.…
Yes, I am sure that all these things help and the right one will come at the right time iy'H. I would like to share one additional point: I strongly believe and I am sure that the best segulah is to have a lot of bitachon and emunah and to keep on davening to Hashem. And remember, kol hamispallel b'ad chaveiro onin lo techilah.

Sincerely,
Name Withheld On Request
Monsey, N.Y

Bad Shidduch Advice:
Should I offer an alternative opinion?

We are friends with a absolutely wonderful single man who, despite wonderful character traits and middot, is not in great demand on the marriage market.

Recently he received advice from some very chashuveh sources that we consider absolutely terrible advice. I will not disclose or discuss the advice here on my blog, but I will say that if you heard this advice, you would agree that the advice is not advice you would want your own loved ones to receive.

I'm thinking of bringing up the subject with this man and offering an alternative opinion. I am not chashuve like those who offered the original advice, but my advice would be more than backed by Da'at Torah (a term I'd prefer to stay away from since this term has political connotations, but I am using this term to denote the fact that I believe every Rav of stature from the world of YU to the deep center of Chassidish Brooklyn and beyond would offer the same advice that I would plan to offer).

In fact, the advice that I would offer was presented in the most recent RJJ Journal. The article of note was covered by Gil Student here, just in case inquiring minds want want to figure out what I am alluding to. (And, no, it is not the advice that accountants should not refrain from dating during tax season).

So, what do my readers think? This wonderful man, a role model for our family, shared the advice he received with us. We stood there stunned did not say a word, except "oh." Should we try to bring the subject back up and offer a different piece of advice? Or, should we just hope that he realizes the advice was not practical for his situation in the least and keep quiet? I'm honestly not sure what the best mode of action is.

It's an open forum now.

Unthoughtful and Insensitive:
Let's Not Add to the Burden and the Pain

A number of months ago, Marvin Schick ran paid Day School Advocacy Ads in the Jewish Press. Sadly enough, these paid advertisements were only accepted by the Jewish Press and were refused for publication by the Yated Ne'eman and the Ha'Modia. The advertisements were not designed to invoke universal agreement, but rather discussion.

There was one particular advertisement (Message 7 of 12) that really struck a chord with me. Since I am unable to post the PDF file, I am duplicating the text below:

Let's Not Add to the Burden and Pain

Yeshivas must rely on tuition to pay staff and meet their obligations. They do not have to add to the burden and emotional strain in many religious homes.

Our schools teach Torah, how to daven and how to perform mitzvos. They also teach midos, proper behavior and respect toward teachers, parents, and fellow students. At times, children are taught to believe that money is theirs for the asking, as when they are told to ask parents for money for trips, tzedakah and gifts. They come to think that money comes from a water tap.

Even when parents can afford it, this is wrong. But many parents cannot afford it. When a child says to a parent, "my teacher said that I must bring in money" and the parent doesn't have it think of the pain--for parent and child. Think of parents with five or more children in school who do not have as much as five dollars to spare.

Money matters should be between the school and parents.

Well, I am happy that Dr. Marvin Schick wrote about this issue. Long before this advertisement appeared in the Jewish Press, and long before blogging was even a thought in my mind, I have been talking about this issue (to my husband). Nearly every time we are visiting family, I notice notes sent home with the children with requests for money for this, that, or another thing.

One particular note got me hot under the collar. I noticed a handwritten and decorated invitation from daughter to mother posted on the billboard requesting $18 per head ($36 minimum for a mother-daughter couple) for a luncheon for Mother's Day. Well, color me mad. If this is not the definition of chutzpah, then I don't know what is: a child asks her parent to spend $36 on lunch (or a child's teacher TELLS the parent to cough up $36 for lunch)? Getting a young child all excited about a big class event that they helped prepare for gives the parents little opportunity to say "no, honey, this is not in the budget and we are not attending."

Add to these extracurricular events the cost of babysitting (a near reality in frum families, especially if the father is working on a Sunday), and $36 easily becomes $50 plus dollars for a short outing. Even teenage babysitters are unionized these days. Times have changed from from the "good old days" when a babysitter babysat for $1 per hour per child and anything more seemed generous.

I'm still shocked every time I see these requests for money sent home through the children. Having attended public school the constant requests for money from parents (send via the children) just didn't happen. In elementary school, we were not required to buy many extras beyond standard supplies. By middle school there were more cash outlays required as we were required to buy a PE uniform that cost something like $15 or $20. It was extremely ugly, and was probably the most expensive outfit I ever owned at the age of 12 years.

In high school there were plenty of activities that required some investment: sports, band, and choir. But parental permission was required to be involved in the first place, most students earned some of their own money, and most extra-curricular activities had some parental oversight which kept any lofty dreams and ideas in check with reality. More recently my public high school has tacked on $10 a year lab fees for certain courses, but all cash outlay is clearly delineated in the student manual and is known to parents and students alike, months before the start of the next school year when students register for their classes.

Growing up my mother would always express just how inappropriate it was when a (public school) teacher would assign projects that required the parents to invest in a myriad of art supplies unexpectedly. My mother, who grew up in an extremely poor family, was sensitive to these issues and would remind us that not every parent can afford these expenses, and that if and when additional supplies were required, that the parents should be given ample warning to prepare and that ideally a fund should be collected to assist poorer students with these expenses.

I realize that Orthodox Yeshivot and Day Schools have a need to raise money though other channels and that the constant requests that go home to parents, via the children often are the means to bringing in the extra funds needed. But, it is nevertheless completely inappropriate to send these notices home, especially with elementary school children!

It is cruel and insensitive to spring one unexpected and unbudgeted request after another on the parents, for one child after another. While we may never be able to resolve the "tuition crisis," we could at least alleviate some of the extra burdens on our families by putting a stop to this practice that I can deem as nothing less than unthoughtful and insensitive.

We already have activity fees for required activities and materials fees for required materials. If a teacher wants to require an activity or material , that expense should be brought to the administration for approval and added to the activity fee. If a teacher wants to have an optional activity, those expenses should be delineated before the start of the school year, along with price and due date for funds, and be provided to parents directly along with the tuition bill. This way parents can choose which activities fit into their already tight budgets and not be put in the uncomfortable positions that they are being placed in currently.

Teaching proper values to children is an uphill battle today. Let's not let the hill get any steeper and let our schools know just how inappropriate these requests are. Parents should be in charge of their budgets, not their children.

Introducing Your Children to the Financial Realities of Frum Life:
The Hows and the Whens?

BeyondBT features an article entitled "Financial Realities in the Frum World." This article reminded me of yet another subject that I have been planning to write about for a while now, the subject being Introducing Your Children to the Financial Realities of Frum Life.

Recently I ran into a very likeable student who graduated recently. Being that she had a few moments before jumping on the bus, I took the opportunity to catch up and find out what she has been doing since high school. After high school, this particular young lady went straight to the local junior college and, in addition, she works part time. Needless to say, she is on a very different path than the rest of her classmates. While they were returning from their 1st year of seminary, assuming they do not stay for a second year, she is already finishing her pre-requisites for her chosen

Baruch Hashem, she seems very happy with her lot. I don't know her family well, but my impression of the family is that they are on the lower end of the income scale and, to their credit, they do not try to pretend that this is not the case.

What surprised me, however, is that despite the fact that these parents had never introduced their daughter, who is of marriageable age, to the realities of Yeshiva Tuition. How do I know this? The young lady told me how surprised she was that her mother told her, in passing, that the junior college tuition was far less than the tuition for the elementary yeshiva school [that her brother attends]. When I inquired a little further, I found out that she was unaware of what her college tuition was, as well as unaware of what yeshiva tuition runs.

While I can understand why a family would not want to expose their children to the downright frightening realities of the cost of tuition prematurely, I am also sure that there is also a time when the a conversation about the realities of tuition is far overdue. I'm not sure when the appropriate time to introduce this particular discussion is, but I am fairly sure that by the time a child is an adult, capable of applying for their own loaded weapon: a credit card, who will be entrusted with the monumental task of choosing an appropriate spouse and financing their own bayit ne'eman, the conversation is far overdue.

So, now I turn to my readers (especially my older and wiser readership) for your insights and thoughts about the hows and whens of this important topic.

I also want to note that I think it is extremely important to introduce your children to the concepts of living within your means and saving for the future from a young age. But, this is not at all the scope of this conversation. I want to specifically talk about tuition.

Looking forward to hearing from you. Shabbat Shalom!

Blog Roundup: May 3, 2006

Dr. Marvin Schick once again addresses an important issue, the Lack of Inter-Orthodox Cooperation, which is hurting us so dearly, in my opinion. I believe it hurts us spiritually and financially. Spriritually because we and our children potentially are only exposed to a limited view of opinions in Orthodoxy and cannot learn to appreciate the vastness of Torah, the diversity of acceptable thought, and the other people who show incredible commitment to Torah even when they don't come to the same conclusions as our very insular circle of friends. Financially it hurts us to as our school system that was built by Orthodox Jews of all stripes is being pulled apart by lack of cooperation so great that it is near impossible to imagine a Chareidi school pooling their resources with a Centrist or Modern school to buy toilet paper at a better price.

BeyondBT has an article from a Guest Contributor "Sam Smith" entitled "Financial Realities In the Frum World." Take a look, especially at the discussion. Without actions, blogs can do little to solve the problems, but one hopes that the ideas and discussions generated will be taken home and implemented at a grass roots level.

Orthomom's comments section here and here, features discussion regarding grandparents and tuition. Check out the discussion and it would be interested to hear more throughts regarding tuition, grandparents, and the sustainability of it all. Does anyone whose parents are helping now think they will be able to do the same for their grandchildren?

Ariella of the Kallah Magazine and Blog follows up on my wedding gift post with a question of ethics regarding registries. She also has some other nice posts on chinuch that can be found here, here, and here. Take a look. She has a great sight and I wish her much success with her endeavors.

And, last but not least, I missed linking to this very nice post on finding a middle path regarding Yom Ha'atzmaut that was very nice.

I look forward to continuing writing more topics soon. Thanks for your readership.

Wedding Gifts: Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Baruch Hashem, we have been invited to and have attended a number of weddings in the last few years and have enjoyed each simcha greatly. However, for some reason choosing the appropriate gift often seems like a huge challenge.

I am the type of person that likes to give a more personal gift, and I often feel that my check isn't particularly sizable, whereas the gift that I paid the same amount for is a substantial contribution to building a new bayit ne'eman b'yisrael. I analyze the gift registry, think about the couple and their likes and needs, and after a ridiculous amount of thought, I settle on a gift and actually go make the purchase. (Just a note: One factor I do not consider when making a gift is the price of the wedding. Those who have made expensive weddings have received similar gifts to those who have made modest weddings. I think it is ridiculous to expect others to ).

SephardiMan likes life to be less complicated and would be more than happy to just pull out the checkbook and write a check. This is often what we do when invited to a wedding that we are sadly unable to attend and for which the couple will not be living anywhere close to us. Somehow, it is much easier to write a smaller check when you don't attend the wedding.

I wonder if the (over)analysis of the gift registry and the future couple's living situation is a "girl thing" since the few times the discussion has come up at our house the guys all state the practically uncontested, unanimous opinion that it is just easiest to write a check. Somehow, the guys seem to see no need to make a wedding gift personal or thoughtful, and view a check with the couples names on it to be personal enough (their name is on the check, right?).

Well, baruch Hashem, we are back in the wedding gift market (or shall I say, I am back in it since SephardiMan sees no need to agonize about such things) and I am faced with the ever difficult decision of what to buy some of our friends who are marrying soon.

Each couple is so different and their situations are so different. Even though most couples make a registry, which should give me a clue, I still find gift giving a challenge and sometimes I wander about the wisdom of buying them another set of china, for example, when only two have been purchased from the registry. Will they want to purchase the rest of the china themselves? Are they in the position to do so before that design is discontinued? And, yes, sometimes I question the wisdom of the registry, since I know that silk bedsheets for apartment dwellers that will be sharing a communal laundry facility is not, perhaps, the best choice.

A long time ago I used to be tempted to buy couples pretty serving pieces, until I was told by an unestablished couple that this demographic doesn't need pieces they don't have room to store, but need the basics like cookware and bakeware. Now I always keep this advice at the back of my mind when looking for the choose the right wedding gift. When I married, I already had many of the basics and had really enjoyed receiving extras that I probably would not have make room in my own budget for, but enjoy immensely. And, when it comes to second marriages, the challenge is even greater since the chances of two households combining and needing or even wanting something (besides and edition on the house and a mediator to help decide what stays and what goes) is unlikely. In these situations, even I don't mind heading for the checkbook , or at least the gift certificate counter.

I'd love to hear the opinions of my readers (guys you can participate too!) and find out what you think the best ideas are for different types of couples and what you greatly appreciated getting and why.

Mazel Tov to all the new couples out there. May you have a wonderful marriage.

Not My Idea of a Role Model

One of the marketing claims of our local Yeshiva is the close relationship the high school kids can develop with the bochurim in the Beit Midrash and have role models. I think this is a nice idea and ideally we would like our children to meet frum people who love their line of study or work who can serve as positive role models for our children.

So, when I ran into at least 10-15% of these bochurim on a recent outing and was greeted by cigarette smoke being blown in my direction, I was a disappointed to say the least. There was not a bochur in this group without a cigarette in his mouth or his hand.

To make a long story short, this is not the type of role model that we are seeking for our children. At the very least, it would be nice if these "role models" could smoke in places where young, impressionable children don't see them.

Spare the IPod, Unspoil the Child:
A Great Read

My friend sent me this most excellent article with a note that it had to be posted on Orthonomics. I agree that this article is excellent. While frum parents may or may not be suffering from the same demands addressed in the articles (IPods, video games, and cell phones), the issues are universal and you are welcome to fill in a more appropriate demand (Bar Mitzvahs or Weddings that compete with the Goldberg's, the right camp, European clothing, designer suits, and more).

I think that it is important to remember that your spending does not affect just your own children (and children-in-law). When so many parents buy their eight year olds designer European clothing, it places pressure on those parents who don't want to do the same (or can't afford to do the same). Kol V'Chomer with smachot, especially weddings and everything that goes along with weddings, including the ridiculously long and expensive list of extravagant engagement gifts that are not "expected."

Since the Torah commands us to not oppress the poor, I think that in a society that is much more economically mixed that much of general society, it behooves us to be extra careful with our public spending. And, with children, many things can easily become public.

The article is posted below with a link to it's original source. And, look for more upcoming posts this week.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/04/15/AR2006041500165_pf.html

Spare the IPod, Unspoil the Child

By Michelle SingletarySunday, April 16, 2006; F01

As a parent, I know there are certain things I have had to get used to.
I know that children will always want what you know isn't good for them. They will relentlessly beg for things until your head nearly explodes.

They will nag for something before dinner that will ruin their appetites.

They will, if you let them, watch television from the time their tiny toes hit the floor in the morning until you drag them away from the set late at night.

However, what I didn't anticipate -- and what I can't get used to -- is dealing with the overindulgent decisions made by many of the parents of my children's friends and classmates.

I constantly have to listen to my children complain that so-and-so has the latest, greatest name-brand whatever. My 10-year-old daughter can't understand why I won't buy her an iPod.
Really, what 10-year-old has lived long enough to have a passion for hundreds of songs she just has to have in her hip pocket?

Don't even get me started on the pressure to compete with the birthday parties that are equivalent to coronations.

My 8-year-old son points out that all his friends have video-game systems or the handheld versions -- most of the time both.

Ever watch, really watch, kids play the games? It's a little scary. I consider them brain-freeze toys. I'm holding steady, but it's tough.

And it's not just about the money.

Okay, it is a lot about the money.

First, it's the initial outlay for the game system. But then there's the endless badgering to supply them with new games to feed their habit. Sorry, I'd rather put that money into my son's college fund.

Oh, and now we have the cellphone controversy in our house.

Can you believe my 10-year-old is incredulous that I won't get her a cellphone? All she wants to do is talk incessantly to her friends. We have a phone at home and she can talk to her friends during school hours for free.

When she argues that "everybody has one" she's exaggerating, but maybe not for long.
The "tween" market, defined as 8- to 12-year-olds, is the next growth opportunity for wireless carriers, according to the Yankee Group, a market research company.

Twenty-seven percent of tweens now have cellphones. The Yankee Group predicts that this market has the potential to double by 2010.

Why do these little people need cellphones? If you need to reach them when they are out of your care, it should be no problem because about 99.9 percent of the adults who should be supervising them will have cellphones that your children can borrow to call you.

I recently persuaded a couple to get rid of the cellphone for their 12-year-old daughter. I bumped into them at the movies and I couldn't help but notice that the girl had a cellphone plastered to her ear rather than conversing with her family. I asked her dad whom she was talking to.

"You know, I don't know," he said.

It was like a light bulb had come on over his head.

That child's cellphone bill was about $40 a month. Are you kidding me? If parents just saved that money, the cash they spend on monthly cellphone charges would add up to thousands of dollars by the time their children go to college. That would certainly help them buy books and supplies for four years of college.

Most recently, my 10-year-old was protesting that I hadn't planned to take her anywhere for spring break.

"It's just not fair," she whined. "All my friends are going on trips or doing exciting things on their spring break."

To which I said, "You want excitement? Read a book and you can live vicariously through the characters and their exciting lives."
She sulked. I saved.

Parents are spending so much to keep their children entertained that these young folks don't know how to entertain themselves with anything that doesn't cost money.

Right now there are debt-plagued parents parading through Disney World or Disneyland or some other vacation spot adding more charges to their credit cards to please their children.

How many times has your kid said, "I'm bored?" Translation: Buy me something. Take me somewhere. Buy me a cellphone. I need a new video game.

When they say they are bored, tell them to go read, or run outside, or learn how to enjoy being still.
Ultimately, this isn't just about saving for their college education or teaching your children to be money-smart. It's deeper than that.

Excessively spending on your children has the great potential to turn them into spendthrift adults or adults who can't be satisfied if they don't have what their friends or neighbors have at any cost.

I'm a conscientious objector to all this consumerism directed at my children. It's not good for them now or in the long-term.

So, if you are so-and-so's mom or dad, I'm begging you to exercise some financial restraint. Stop overindulging your children so I can have some peace in my house.