Restaurants, the Nine Days, Fast Days, and Va'adim
Across the county, there are a number of va'adim that only grant hashgacha on the condition that the restaurant either close on fast days or stop providing sit down service, and that meat restaurants close during the 9 Nine Days days completely unless they can provide a vegetarian menu to replace their regular menu.
I've always felt a great deal of discomfort with such policies. For starters, the restaurant business (kal v'chomer the kosher restaurant business) is probably one of the toughest businesses to succeed in. And, I think that these kosher establishments add a certain amount of life to a community. Why should we make it even more difficult to succeed in this business by taking away opportunities for business?
Each restaurant is different and serves a different clientele and has different needs. Certain restrains conduct most of their business during evening hours; other restrains during breakfast hours. Some restrains have a clientele that is mostly frum; and, there are a few restrains out there with a mixed clientele of kosher-keeping Jews, non-Jews, and Jews who desire a particular cuisine.
So a few days ago, my husband comes home with something interesting to share with me. His minyan learns halachot and teshuvot daily and he knew that I would be very interesting in teshuvah of Chacham Ovadia Yosef regarding restaurants remaining open and even serving meat to other Jews during the 9 days (actually 8 days, as some Sephardim eat meat on Rosh Chodesh Av).
Rav Ovadia gives his psak that restaurants are absolutely allowed to remain open, and are even allowed to serve meat to Jews. Rav Ovadia states that one need not worry about placing a stumbling block when serving meat during this time, as there are heterim for certain people to eat meat during the 9 days is well established in halacha: sickly persons, tired persons, and more. However, Rav Ovadia does say that first one eats fish, then chicken, and only then meat. Interestingly enough, I am told that in Baghdad (even fairly recently) the Jews ate chicken during the nine days and the prohibition against meat was applied strictly.
The "bottom line" of the teshuvah is that the first priority is the proprietor's parnasah. I think it is important to remember that other people in our own communities also rely on the (usually hourly) wages they receive from certain restrains, whether they be mashgichim or waiters.
Ultimately, I believe that a proprietor will do what is best for their business. Even if a Va'ad allows a meat restaurant to stay open during the Nine Days without an alternative menu, some restaurants will still choose to close because the costs of staying open cannot be justified by the loss of business. Other owners will serve a vegetarian menu. And, still, other restaurants (especially those with a strong non-Jewish clientele or a strong business lunch and dinner clientele) will stay open.
Note: I'd be curious to hear of teshuvot saying the opposite: the a kosher meat resturant must close during the Nine Days or during fast days, at least to sit down service. Obviously Rav Ovadia is not the only posek in town. However, the teshuva was of interest to me, because it affirmed by thought process about protecting the proprietor within the confines of halacha.
Hat Tip: Ariella of Kallah Magazine whose post prompted my post.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Dear Parent
First of all, Mazal Tov on your daughter's marriage!
The good news is that neither Hashem, nor Chazal, enacted "the rule that siblings of a chosson and kallah (married and single) must wear an evening gown to the wedding." The even better news is that as this "custom" is neither D'Oreita or D'Rabbanon, nor is it rooted in the alte heim. So, you can ignore such a "rule" completely.
The bad news is that your daughter, her siblings, and the mechutanim and their daughters might believe that this is D'Oreita, or at least D'Rabbonon. And so if you want to actually resist breaking the bank again, you will have to come armed for battle with a strong backbone and maybe some colored pictures of a chatunah in Europe. Goodluck there!
When it comes to keeping up with the Schwartz's, social pressures can throw a hard punch at common sense, and what is actually a requirement at a chatunah, can take a back seat to the "customs" of the Schwartz's like ball gowns for the siblings of the chatan and kallah, pearl jewlery for the yichud room, and whatever new "custom" that I probably have not yet heard of but will be called "the way things are done" shortly.
While I see the value of having all the members of the wedding party look coordinated for the family pictures, such can be achieved through other less expensive means. There is no need to destroy anyone's big day by doing what we did and asking our parents and sibings to wear what they wanted to wear. Just pick a color that you think would look nice in the photos and that you think the siblings would enjoy wearing again and again, and let everyone know. If you really want to keep the costs under control, I'd recommend choosing a color that nearly everyone has a nice suit in already, such as navy blue or baby blue.
So, goodluck next time. The only way to "bring an end to this custom" is to actually start by ending it in your own family. And, if I hear of a gemach for boxing gloves, I will let the readers of the Yated know, because those seeking to end this custom, may need to fight!
Sincerely,
SephardiLady
P.S. Here is an old post of mine on keeping wedding costs down that generated a number of great comments and tips.
Dear Editor [of the Yated],Dear Parent of Recent Kallah,
I am wondering who invented the rule that siblings of a chosson and kallah (married and single) must wear an evening gown to the wedding.I have just learned of the tremendous cost involved. Even if you rent a gown from a ”gown gemach”, the charge is usually several hundred dollars just to rent for one night (plus cleaning costs, which are easily over a hundred dollars)!If there are several siblings, the cost becomes quite serious and the stress to acquire them is immense. (Don’t forget, they have to match the color scheme, right?)I think we should bring an end to this custom.
Sincerely,
A Parent of a Recent Kallah
First of all, Mazal Tov on your daughter's marriage!
The good news is that neither Hashem, nor Chazal, enacted "the rule that siblings of a chosson and kallah (married and single) must wear an evening gown to the wedding." The even better news is that as this "custom" is neither D'Oreita or D'Rabbanon, nor is it rooted in the alte heim. So, you can ignore such a "rule" completely.
The bad news is that your daughter, her siblings, and the mechutanim and their daughters might believe that this is D'Oreita, or at least D'Rabbonon. And so if you want to actually resist breaking the bank again, you will have to come armed for battle with a strong backbone and maybe some colored pictures of a chatunah in Europe. Goodluck there!
When it comes to keeping up with the Schwartz's, social pressures can throw a hard punch at common sense, and what is actually a requirement at a chatunah, can take a back seat to the "customs" of the Schwartz's like ball gowns for the siblings of the chatan and kallah, pearl jewlery for the yichud room, and whatever new "custom" that I probably have not yet heard of but will be called "the way things are done" shortly.
While I see the value of having all the members of the wedding party look coordinated for the family pictures, such can be achieved through other less expensive means. There is no need to destroy anyone's big day by doing what we did and asking our parents and sibings to wear what they wanted to wear. Just pick a color that you think would look nice in the photos and that you think the siblings would enjoy wearing again and again, and let everyone know. If you really want to keep the costs under control, I'd recommend choosing a color that nearly everyone has a nice suit in already, such as navy blue or baby blue.
So, goodluck next time. The only way to "bring an end to this custom" is to actually start by ending it in your own family. And, if I hear of a gemach for boxing gloves, I will let the readers of the Yated know, because those seeking to end this custom, may need to fight!
Sincerely,
SephardiLady
P.S. Here is an old post of mine on keeping wedding costs down that generated a number of great comments and tips.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
EScrip: Support Jewish Education Without Forking Over Extra Cash From Your Own Pocket
Yesterday I received a publication with the title Smart Shopper. Being that I am swamped with things to do and I could probably write my own "Smart Shopper" magazine, this extra piece of mail nearly hit the trash.
But, when I realized that it was from EScrip, I took a look inside and discovered that I needed to send in a postcard that was attached to the inside if I wanted to continue contributing to my three designated schools by shopping at Safeway. So, I signed the card and dropped it in the mailbox.
Truth be told, I didn't shop that much at Safeway this year, so my shopping didn't net my designated schools much at all. (I hope that each of my three schools that I signed up to benefit didn't spend the whole $0.37 that I generated for them too quickly. :) ) But, I do believe that little bits of outside money that can be funneled into Jewish Education are important and that if we all made an effort to sign up with the many programs out there (I'm sure your local grocery store that you regularily shop at has a program to benefit schools), and get our neighbors, parents, and grandparents to sign up, there would be some impact.
Therefore, consider this a friendly reminder that if you are not already an EScrip member, that you should sign up, and that if you are an EScrip member you should send in the attached card in the magazine (and check out your school's "earning statement on the inside cover) to help benefit your designated schools. If you don't send in that card or re-register, you won't be contributing. So, don't ignore this pesky piece of junk mail.
When I signed up for EScrip, I did not register my credit cards. Besides Safeway, I don't believe there was a single participating vendor that I partronized. But, I was plesantly surprised that the list of participating vendors has increased substantially. I think I will have to give the company a call a register my credit cards now that I see places that I do shop from time to time on the list. (Maybe next year I can net $3.00 in total ;). But, on a serious note, if 2000 families netted $3.00 a piece, that would be $6000 more, and nothing to laugh at).
Any readers who know of similiar programs, please drop a note and I will advertise those programs here too. If they are regional, please specify the region. Thanks!
Yesterday I received a publication with the title Smart Shopper. Being that I am swamped with things to do and I could probably write my own "Smart Shopper" magazine, this extra piece of mail nearly hit the trash.
But, when I realized that it was from EScrip, I took a look inside and discovered that I needed to send in a postcard that was attached to the inside if I wanted to continue contributing to my three designated schools by shopping at Safeway. So, I signed the card and dropped it in the mailbox.
Truth be told, I didn't shop that much at Safeway this year, so my shopping didn't net my designated schools much at all. (I hope that each of my three schools that I signed up to benefit didn't spend the whole $0.37 that I generated for them too quickly. :) ) But, I do believe that little bits of outside money that can be funneled into Jewish Education are important and that if we all made an effort to sign up with the many programs out there (I'm sure your local grocery store that you regularily shop at has a program to benefit schools), and get our neighbors, parents, and grandparents to sign up, there would be some impact.
Therefore, consider this a friendly reminder that if you are not already an EScrip member, that you should sign up, and that if you are an EScrip member you should send in the attached card in the magazine (and check out your school's "earning statement on the inside cover) to help benefit your designated schools. If you don't send in that card or re-register, you won't be contributing. So, don't ignore this pesky piece of junk mail.
When I signed up for EScrip, I did not register my credit cards. Besides Safeway, I don't believe there was a single participating vendor that I partronized. But, I was plesantly surprised that the list of participating vendors has increased substantially. I think I will have to give the company a call a register my credit cards now that I see places that I do shop from time to time on the list. (Maybe next year I can net $3.00 in total ;). But, on a serious note, if 2000 families netted $3.00 a piece, that would be $6000 more, and nothing to laugh at).
Any readers who know of similiar programs, please drop a note and I will advertise those programs here too. If they are regional, please specify the region. Thanks!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The Nine Days and the 10th of Av
This is just something that I learned that I was unaware of previously: while Ashkenazim wait until mid-day on the 10th of Av to lift the restrictions of the nine days, Sephardim are permitted to lift the restrictions of aveilut (laundry, hot showers, fresh clothing, haircuts, etc) immediately following Tisha B'Av.
However, Sephardim are NOT permitted to lift the restriction of eating meat and drinking wine until the 11th of Av, which this year is Shabbat. (See update below: as in nearly every area of halacha and minhag, nothing is universal). These restrictions are unrelated to the halachot of aveilut and are directly related to bringing korbanot in the Beit HaMikdash. The korbon, consisting of meat and wine, that would have been brought on the 9th of Av and eaten on the 10th of Av, was unable to be consumed because the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed.
This doesn't have any real practical implications for us since we rarely eat meat on a weekday, just as the restriction against meat and wine during the 9 days (excluding Rosh Chodesh for some Sephardim) doesn't have any practical implications for us. But, I find it interesting nevertheless.
What does, however, have very real implications for us this year, is the prohibition against wearing freshly laundered clothing. For the past two years, we have got off very easy in this area, as Sephardim don't prohibit wearing freshly laundered clothing until the week of Tisha B'Av. Being the Tisha B'Av started last year on Motzei Shabbat, we just continued to wear our Shabbat clothing. And, the year before, Tisha B'Av fell on a Tuesday, so we also were able to continue wearing what we had worn on Shabbat. But, this year, my husband reminded me to start doing the laundry early and start wearing clothing for an hour or two early, because we won't be able to pull of the same stunt of continuing to wear our Shabbat clothing until Thursday (especially since we can't change our clothing every hour on the hour during Shabbat and pretend that it is not preparing for Chol).
So, off I go to switch my laundry to the dryer. Glad I'm not waiting until the last minute on the laundry. . . one of my bad habits.
Back to more regular blogging later.
Update: Apparantely the Iraqi community of Bagdad, per the Ben Ish Chai, customarily broke their Tisha B'Av fast on meat. This appears to be something limited to Bagdad. Next year, I will have to have my husband ask our friend if his household breaks their fast on meat or it they have taken on the custom of the Ashkenazim and some Sephardim, and wait to eat meat until the afternoon of the 10th, or the if they have taken on the custom of waiting to eat meat until the 11th of Av.
In addition, while Sephardim are permitted to bathe, take haircuts, and do laundry at the cessation of Tisha B'Av, we refrain from listening to music until the afternoon of the 10th.
This is just something that I learned that I was unaware of previously: while Ashkenazim wait until mid-day on the 10th of Av to lift the restrictions of the nine days, Sephardim are permitted to lift the restrictions of aveilut (laundry, hot showers, fresh clothing, haircuts, etc) immediately following Tisha B'Av.
However, Sephardim are NOT permitted to lift the restriction of eating meat and drinking wine until the 11th of Av, which this year is Shabbat. (See update below: as in nearly every area of halacha and minhag, nothing is universal). These restrictions are unrelated to the halachot of aveilut and are directly related to bringing korbanot in the Beit HaMikdash. The korbon, consisting of meat and wine, that would have been brought on the 9th of Av and eaten on the 10th of Av, was unable to be consumed because the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed.
This doesn't have any real practical implications for us since we rarely eat meat on a weekday, just as the restriction against meat and wine during the 9 days (excluding Rosh Chodesh for some Sephardim) doesn't have any practical implications for us. But, I find it interesting nevertheless.
What does, however, have very real implications for us this year, is the prohibition against wearing freshly laundered clothing. For the past two years, we have got off very easy in this area, as Sephardim don't prohibit wearing freshly laundered clothing until the week of Tisha B'Av. Being the Tisha B'Av started last year on Motzei Shabbat, we just continued to wear our Shabbat clothing. And, the year before, Tisha B'Av fell on a Tuesday, so we also were able to continue wearing what we had worn on Shabbat. But, this year, my husband reminded me to start doing the laundry early and start wearing clothing for an hour or two early, because we won't be able to pull of the same stunt of continuing to wear our Shabbat clothing until Thursday (especially since we can't change our clothing every hour on the hour during Shabbat and pretend that it is not preparing for Chol).
So, off I go to switch my laundry to the dryer. Glad I'm not waiting until the last minute on the laundry. . . one of my bad habits.
Back to more regular blogging later.
Update: Apparantely the Iraqi community of Bagdad, per the Ben Ish Chai, customarily broke their Tisha B'Av fast on meat. This appears to be something limited to Bagdad. Next year, I will have to have my husband ask our friend if his household breaks their fast on meat or it they have taken on the custom of the Ashkenazim and some Sephardim, and wait to eat meat until the afternoon of the 10th, or the if they have taken on the custom of waiting to eat meat until the 11th of Av.
In addition, while Sephardim are permitted to bathe, take haircuts, and do laundry at the cessation of Tisha B'Av, we refrain from listening to music until the afternoon of the 10th.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
An Honest Question: Wartime Tzedakah Priorities
Today I received a forwarded proclamation from the Agudah that is being passed around from one Jew to another and from one listserv to another via email.
Part of the proclamation reads as such:
But, what I am genuinely trying to understand is just why the poor of Eretz Yisroel is considered the first priority for our tzedakah dollars during the this war (by those who issued the proclamation), over organizations dedicated to pikuch nefesh, providing halachic services to the deceased, or providing support for those on the front lines of duty?
Any explanations to help me understand would be appreciated. And, please, no disparaging comments (especially during the three weeks). Anything disparaging will be deleted.
Today I received a forwarded proclamation from the Agudah that is being passed around from one Jew to another and from one listserv to another via email.
Part of the proclamation reads as such:
Agudath Israel of America calls on all Jews to respond to the alarming situation in Eretz Yisrael with intensified determination to merit Hashem's help for our brethren in the Holy Land.There is certainly no question that in a time of war (aka as "the alarming situation in Eretz Yisrael") during the Three Weeks no less, tefillah, teshuva, and tzedakah should be on the top of our priority list, as well as any acts of hishtadlut that we capable of performing.
Let us reinvigorate our tefillos, and our recitation of Tehillim-especially kapitlach 83, 130 and 142 each morning after davening, followed by the tefilla of "Acheinu kol bais Yisroel.", as the Moetzes Gedolei HaTorah suggested five years ago. At that time, the Moetzes Gedolei HaTorah stressed as well that each Jewish man should be very careful regarding davening with a minyan, that all his tefillos, Shacharis, Mincha and Ma'ariv, be part of a "prayer of the multitude"that is always heard.
They emphasized as well that we should arrive early enough at shul to recite all of p'sukei d'zimra, and that righteous women too should undertake to say the above chapters of Tehillim in their homes each day, and to set aside tzedaka for the poor of Eretz Yisroel.
But, what I am genuinely trying to understand is just why the poor of Eretz Yisroel is considered the first priority for our tzedakah dollars during the this war (by those who issued the proclamation), over organizations dedicated to pikuch nefesh, providing halachic services to the deceased, or providing support for those on the front lines of duty?
Any explanations to help me understand would be appreciated. And, please, no disparaging comments (especially during the three weeks). Anything disparaging will be deleted.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
So Much to Write About, So Little Motivation to Do So
I have a feeling the three weeks is going to be a slow period of time, for blogging that is. Not only do I not want to engage in too much machlochet (although at this blog my rule of thumb is to try to be respectful with a light touch), I am just too distracted to sit still and actually type.
Fortunately, the three weeks is proving to be a very productive period of time, at least in terms of housework. It seems that I have been super productive in starting and completing larger organizing and cleaning projects as I nervously go about the days catching what bits and pieces of news I can catch on the War between Israel and the surrounding enemy.
So, I hope to be back soon following the three weeks with a posts about the debate in the newest Jewish Action regarding non-negotiable minimum tuitions for day schools and yeshivot, a post on the cost of raising an average size frum family (based on a letter in the Yated), a post on establishing a budget, and some more posts on shidduchim and marriage topics.
In the meantime, what organizations are other bloggers and commentors donating to in order to help the wartime effort in Israel? Suggestions are welcome.
I have a feeling the three weeks is going to be a slow period of time, for blogging that is. Not only do I not want to engage in too much machlochet (although at this blog my rule of thumb is to try to be respectful with a light touch), I am just too distracted to sit still and actually type.
Fortunately, the three weeks is proving to be a very productive period of time, at least in terms of housework. It seems that I have been super productive in starting and completing larger organizing and cleaning projects as I nervously go about the days catching what bits and pieces of news I can catch on the War between Israel and the surrounding enemy.
So, I hope to be back soon following the three weeks with a posts about the debate in the newest Jewish Action regarding non-negotiable minimum tuitions for day schools and yeshivot, a post on the cost of raising an average size frum family (based on a letter in the Yated), a post on establishing a budget, and some more posts on shidduchim and marriage topics.
In the meantime, what organizations are other bloggers and commentors donating to in order to help the wartime effort in Israel? Suggestions are welcome.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Have an Easy Fast and More
Oops! I picked up (free) tickets for a music program for kids that was taking place today, of all days. My husband stopped by our home on his the way to work to suggest to me that we find a different activity, since it is the 17th of Tammuz.
While I'm not sure that the Sephardi halacha or minhag actually prohibits a musical program today (discourage yes, outright prohibit is the question), it certainly does not seem in the spirit of the 17th of Tammuz to attend this program in the least. And, especially with the turmoil in Israel, it seems that today would best be spent doing more mundane activities, as well as pursuing some more spiritual pursuits. So, we are going to skip what looked to be a very nice event for children, b'simcha. Next time, I will keep a small calendar on me, when signing up for activities, so I don't make this mistake again.
Sephardi Halacha and Minhag during the three weeks is a bit murky to determine. Instead of having two distinct periods of mourning, as the Ashkenazim do (i.e. "The Three Weeks" and the "The Nine Days"), we have three periods of mourning, each with an increasing amount of restrictions, (i.e. "The Three Weeks," "The Nine Days," and the "Week of Tisha B'Ab"). What is considered "increasing" does not always seem highly linear.
The Three Weeks starts out minor restrictions. Basically, one is not permitted to make a shechechiyanu during this time, and according my link, some refrain from making such a beracha even during Shabbat, which is some new that I was not familiar with.
However, I imagine that one would make a beracha on a new tallit during the three weeks, if one was getting married! For most Sephardim, except those in the NY/NJ Syrian community who have adopted the halacha of Ashkenazim in regards to weddings as their own minhag, weddings are permitted up until Rosh Chodesh Av. The question still remains, at least in my mind, does a chatan who marries during the Three Weeks, wear a new tallit and make a beracha on it, or does he continue to wear his old tallit and refrain from a beracha shechechiyanu (remember, the chatan has presumably been wearing a tallit since Bar Mitzvah)?
And, what about music (the question that prompted this entire discussion)? It seems that some Sephardim prohibit music during the first part of the Three Weeks, but I believe that others do not. At this point, I can't remember what we have been doing. Did we refrain during the Three Weeks, the Nine Days, or the week of?
The Rav of our kehillah normally reviews these halachot the month before. However, this year, it seems that we did not discuss this review until this morning, when my plans were changed suddenly. This, of course, is not to say that the Rav did not go through the halacha, but that our dinner table was interrupted by a million and one things. I imagine that (even live) music would certainly be permitted during the first part of the Three Weeks, at least by Maran (Rav Yosef), as weddings are permitted. No one expects a chatan and kallah to wed without music, correct?
Lest you think that these last questions are theoretical, I assure you it is not. My husband's cousin married during the Three Weeks. As we were unable to attend, I have no recollection of what was done at that wedding.
(On a fun note: I imagine if a Sephardi chatan and kallah were really and wanted to make a super budget wedding, they could hold it during the three weeks. The chances of their Ashkenazi friends attending would be nill. And, my guess is that even non-Syrian sephardim, would be uncomfortable attending since "its not what is done" and the permissibility of making weddings was almost certainly not mentioned in school!)
Another question that has emerged in my mind, is what the halacha for Sephardim is regarding home repairs. The contractor that was supposed to do some very necessary work that involves painting as a minor part of the project, did not show this week as expected. When I say necessary, I'm actually talking about necessary here. We have some ugly damage that is affecting my allergies and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. Fortunately, there seems to be no issue regarding this, but I will be pushing the contractor to get the job done ASAP, since it would only be questionably permissible during the Nine Days (allowable possibly because of health concerns, but I'd rather not have occasion to ask the sheila). Putting a fire under some contractors, unfortunately, is a lot easier said than done. Especially when we did not actually choose the contractor.
Well, I think this post on the start of the Three Weeks, has become a bit long. So, I will end by saying, on an interesting note, that it appears my husband is no mekubal, as he woke up early to eat and left the bowl in the sink to be washed. :) So, off I go to wash this mornings breakfast dishes.
To all who are fasting, have an easy fast. And, may we all increase our ahavat yisrael during this period of time. So, on a final and final note. Those who are regularly accustomed to hitting their students, their friends, or their family members, should refrain from doing so during the three weeks. . . and, I might add during the rest of the year also if they intend to actually have friends :-). And, enjoy the savings at the pump, as long trips are frowned upon (had to get in one "Orthonomic" note).
Oops! I picked up (free) tickets for a music program for kids that was taking place today, of all days. My husband stopped by our home on his the way to work to suggest to me that we find a different activity, since it is the 17th of Tammuz.
While I'm not sure that the Sephardi halacha or minhag actually prohibits a musical program today (discourage yes, outright prohibit is the question), it certainly does not seem in the spirit of the 17th of Tammuz to attend this program in the least. And, especially with the turmoil in Israel, it seems that today would best be spent doing more mundane activities, as well as pursuing some more spiritual pursuits. So, we are going to skip what looked to be a very nice event for children, b'simcha. Next time, I will keep a small calendar on me, when signing up for activities, so I don't make this mistake again.
Sephardi Halacha and Minhag during the three weeks is a bit murky to determine. Instead of having two distinct periods of mourning, as the Ashkenazim do (i.e. "The Three Weeks" and the "The Nine Days"), we have three periods of mourning, each with an increasing amount of restrictions, (i.e. "The Three Weeks," "The Nine Days," and the "Week of Tisha B'Ab"). What is considered "increasing" does not always seem highly linear.
The Three Weeks starts out minor restrictions. Basically, one is not permitted to make a shechechiyanu during this time, and according my link, some refrain from making such a beracha even during Shabbat, which is some new that I was not familiar with.
However, I imagine that one would make a beracha on a new tallit during the three weeks, if one was getting married! For most Sephardim, except those in the NY/NJ Syrian community who have adopted the halacha of Ashkenazim in regards to weddings as their own minhag, weddings are permitted up until Rosh Chodesh Av. The question still remains, at least in my mind, does a chatan who marries during the Three Weeks, wear a new tallit and make a beracha on it, or does he continue to wear his old tallit and refrain from a beracha shechechiyanu (remember, the chatan has presumably been wearing a tallit since Bar Mitzvah)?
And, what about music (the question that prompted this entire discussion)? It seems that some Sephardim prohibit music during the first part of the Three Weeks, but I believe that others do not. At this point, I can't remember what we have been doing. Did we refrain during the Three Weeks, the Nine Days, or the week of?
The Rav of our kehillah normally reviews these halachot the month before. However, this year, it seems that we did not discuss this review until this morning, when my plans were changed suddenly. This, of course, is not to say that the Rav did not go through the halacha, but that our dinner table was interrupted by a million and one things. I imagine that (even live) music would certainly be permitted during the first part of the Three Weeks, at least by Maran (Rav Yosef), as weddings are permitted. No one expects a chatan and kallah to wed without music, correct?
Lest you think that these last questions are theoretical, I assure you it is not. My husband's cousin married during the Three Weeks. As we were unable to attend, I have no recollection of what was done at that wedding.
(On a fun note: I imagine if a Sephardi chatan and kallah were really and wanted to make a super budget wedding, they could hold it during the three weeks. The chances of their Ashkenazi friends attending would be nill. And, my guess is that even non-Syrian sephardim, would be uncomfortable attending since "its not what is done" and the permissibility of making weddings was almost certainly not mentioned in school!)
Another question that has emerged in my mind, is what the halacha for Sephardim is regarding home repairs. The contractor that was supposed to do some very necessary work that involves painting as a minor part of the project, did not show this week as expected. When I say necessary, I'm actually talking about necessary here. We have some ugly damage that is affecting my allergies and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. Fortunately, there seems to be no issue regarding this, but I will be pushing the contractor to get the job done ASAP, since it would only be questionably permissible during the Nine Days (allowable possibly because of health concerns, but I'd rather not have occasion to ask the sheila). Putting a fire under some contractors, unfortunately, is a lot easier said than done. Especially when we did not actually choose the contractor.
Well, I think this post on the start of the Three Weeks, has become a bit long. So, I will end by saying, on an interesting note, that it appears my husband is no mekubal, as he woke up early to eat and left the bowl in the sink to be washed. :) So, off I go to wash this mornings breakfast dishes.
To all who are fasting, have an easy fast. And, may we all increase our ahavat yisrael during this period of time. So, on a final and final note. Those who are regularly accustomed to hitting their students, their friends, or their family members, should refrain from doing so during the three weeks. . . and, I might add during the rest of the year also if they intend to actually have friends :-). And, enjoy the savings at the pump, as long trips are frowned upon (had to get in one "Orthonomic" note).
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
The Price of Gas
Today, while searching for a constantly disappearing pen in my glove compartment, I ended up tackling another project: cleaning the glove compartment. On top of finding an old insurance policy, maps for a number of cities I no longer live in, and a number of receipts for service, I found a gas log which I stopped keeping about a little over three years ago.
I am not sure why I had a gas log except for the fact that my parents always kept one and encouraged me to do the same. I'm sure it served a purpose for them, since they were self-employed. For me, it didn't serve as much of a purpose, which is why I discontinued my records. But, it did seem to ensure that I always had a pen on hand, which is useful!
Purpose or no purpose, finding this log was like a walk down memory lane. I only looked at my log for just 2002 and the first half of 2003. During this time, I never paid less than $1.27 per gallon and I never paid more than $2.08 per gallon. The price averaged around $1.50 a gallon.
It is hard to believe that the price of gas has doubled in just about four years. I'm glad that during this time, our "need" for constant travel has been cut drastically and that our efficient vehicles are still going strong (may they live to 120). The other amazing thing was that in the last three years I have put on only a fraction of the mileage that I put on in the three years prior. I have to say that it is great living so close to public transportation and the grocery store. Better the mileage be put on our tennis shoes, than our tires.
I'm sure the high prices are really stretching some families to the limit. . . Especially our neighbors and friends that drive large passenger vans and have a lot of places to go, with large loads of kids. I find it shocking that when I pump $20 of gas into one of our cars. It is hard to believe I haven't seen any neighbors or friends have a heart attack at the pump.
So, is the price of gas really affecting your budget, or are you one of the lucky ones?
Today, while searching for a constantly disappearing pen in my glove compartment, I ended up tackling another project: cleaning the glove compartment. On top of finding an old insurance policy, maps for a number of cities I no longer live in, and a number of receipts for service, I found a gas log which I stopped keeping about a little over three years ago.
I am not sure why I had a gas log except for the fact that my parents always kept one and encouraged me to do the same. I'm sure it served a purpose for them, since they were self-employed. For me, it didn't serve as much of a purpose, which is why I discontinued my records. But, it did seem to ensure that I always had a pen on hand, which is useful!
Purpose or no purpose, finding this log was like a walk down memory lane. I only looked at my log for just 2002 and the first half of 2003. During this time, I never paid less than $1.27 per gallon and I never paid more than $2.08 per gallon. The price averaged around $1.50 a gallon.
It is hard to believe that the price of gas has doubled in just about four years. I'm glad that during this time, our "need" for constant travel has been cut drastically and that our efficient vehicles are still going strong (may they live to 120). The other amazing thing was that in the last three years I have put on only a fraction of the mileage that I put on in the three years prior. I have to say that it is great living so close to public transportation and the grocery store. Better the mileage be put on our tennis shoes, than our tires.
I'm sure the high prices are really stretching some families to the limit. . . Especially our neighbors and friends that drive large passenger vans and have a lot of places to go, with large loads of kids. I find it shocking that when I pump $20 of gas into one of our cars. It is hard to believe I haven't seen any neighbors or friends have a heart attack at the pump.
So, is the price of gas really affecting your budget, or are you one of the lucky ones?
Friday, July 07, 2006
Combating Smoking in Our Communities
Back in May, I made an entry on cigarette smoking that attracted a number of comments from readers, probably the most comments of any post up to that point. I planned to return to the subject quickly, and now it is already July.
However, a post at Hirhurim entitled "Smoking in Halacha" about a recent RCA Teshuvah that states that smoking is assur, reminded me that I should return to this important subject.
While the Teshuvah is a "breath of fresh air," so to speak, and addresses a subject that is important and pertinent to the Orthodox community, I do not believe that halachic psak is ultimately the way to combat this serious problem in our communities, even if the psak comes from "the Gedolim." While it does appear that psak can be quite successful (it certainly sold a lot of water filters and lit up a lot of sheitels), my guess is that psak in this area will not cause anyone to put out their cigarette butts.
While psak is certainly an important part of the picture in combating cigarette smoking, especially amongst our Yeshiva Bochurim, I believe that ultimately if we want to rid our communities of this addiction, we need to employ some of the methods that were employed as part of the "Just Say No" Campaign of Mrs. Nancy Reagan in the 1980's and make cigarette smoking socially unacceptable.
Cigarette smoking needs to be seen as disgusting, uncool, and an activity for loosers. We all know that social ostracization in the frum community is a most powerful weapon. And, if we really want to fight this disgusting addiction, we need to be done through our most powerful means.
When I was very little, I remember driving by the local high school and, in the mornings before school and in the afternoons after school, the entire block across the street from the campus was filled with cigarette smokers. By the time I was in high school, that same block barely made a Reform minyan (girls included).
What changed during those years? Many things. Social Engineering and education are the two things that I can pinpoint.
Cigarette smoking started to be portrayed in a different manner. The schools and social agencies fought the attractive advertisements with some of their own that made smokers look like ugly loosers. At this time it was an uphill battle because every grade schooler could name the different cigarette companies and identify their billboards if they had ever been on a highway in the "big city." And, every news magazine's back page had a cigarette ad.
In addition, the education in elementary school was pretty intense. Health class included presentations from local doctors who came armed with x-rays of smoker's lungs and non-smoker's lungs. And, the doctors would show x-rays of a one year cigarette smoker, a 10 year cigarette smoker, and a 20 year cigarette smoker. Probably the most memorable moment was when my 5th grade teacher pulled a janitor into the classroom to speak. Well, not quite speak. You see, this janitor had cancer in his voice box from smoking and had it surgically removed. He went around to every table and what we saw what still turns my stomach today when I think about it. There is nothing pretty about a man missing a good part of his neck!
My husband went to (modern) Yeshiva schools the entire way through. Last night I asked him what his Health education was like in regards to cigarette smoking. He couldn't recall much, except for a brief talk during high school. Quite frankly, in my opinion, addressing the issues by high school is far too late!
G-d willing, this teshuvah will get communities putting their heads together and thinking about how to combat this terrible addiction. It know that it won't be an easy battle since so many role models smoke and since for many boys, smoking is viewed as sort of a right of passage (Dare I tell you about a family I know who begs their children not to lit up a cigarette at Bar Mitzvah parties. Apparently, in their circle, cigarettes are given to the boys as part of the celebration by the parents-term used lightly).
I don't have too many ideas, but here are a handful:
1. Parents need to make it absolutely clear that not only are their children not to smoke cigarettes, but their children are not to hang out with other children that do this.
2. Parents should be careful not to give too much cash to students, especially if cigarette smoking (or gambling) is an issue in their social circle.
3. The first question in shidduch research should be, "Is he a cigarette smoker?" If the answer is "yes" or even "sometimes, but he is not addicted" (a stupid answer at that) and the conversation ends enough times, the message may sink in that cigarette smoking is not acceptable and that it is a character flaw that is so bad that there is nothing further to discuss. As we all know the fear of not finding a shidduch is overwhelming.
4. Policies need to be put into place for staff members who smoke cigarettes that they are not to do so in front of students, either on or off campus. The same goes for Beit Midrash boys.
5. Education programs need to be instituted at the elementary school level and x-rays and other resources that should "gross out" students need to be used.
6. Lastly, I hear many people make excuses for young cigarette smokers saying that they have no other "outlets" given their schedule and the number of activities that are pas nisht. If this is the case, than I would suggest providing some activities because these cigarette smokers are the future fathers of klal yisrael, and I'm sure we would like healthy fathers and healthy grandchildren.
Hope to hear some of your ideas. And, if your community has instituted programs, are those programs showing signs of success?
In many ways, we are lucky that today the cigarette industry has been limited in their ability to advertise. Those highway billboards and slick magazine ads are basically a thing of the past and it is easier to show cigarette smokers with yellow teeth, stringy hair, porous skin, and more, when you don't have airbrushed models on billboards overlooking the highways, making this terrible addiction look so attractive.
Chazak U'Varuch to the Rabbonim who have issued this psak. May your words reach the ears of many and may you be rewarded for speaking out on an issue that is all to important to ignore.
Back in May, I made an entry on cigarette smoking that attracted a number of comments from readers, probably the most comments of any post up to that point. I planned to return to the subject quickly, and now it is already July.
However, a post at Hirhurim entitled "Smoking in Halacha" about a recent RCA Teshuvah that states that smoking is assur, reminded me that I should return to this important subject.
While the Teshuvah is a "breath of fresh air," so to speak, and addresses a subject that is important and pertinent to the Orthodox community, I do not believe that halachic psak is ultimately the way to combat this serious problem in our communities, even if the psak comes from "the Gedolim." While it does appear that psak can be quite successful (it certainly sold a lot of water filters and lit up a lot of sheitels), my guess is that psak in this area will not cause anyone to put out their cigarette butts.
While psak is certainly an important part of the picture in combating cigarette smoking, especially amongst our Yeshiva Bochurim, I believe that ultimately if we want to rid our communities of this addiction, we need to employ some of the methods that were employed as part of the "Just Say No" Campaign of Mrs. Nancy Reagan in the 1980's and make cigarette smoking socially unacceptable.
Cigarette smoking needs to be seen as disgusting, uncool, and an activity for loosers. We all know that social ostracization in the frum community is a most powerful weapon. And, if we really want to fight this disgusting addiction, we need to be done through our most powerful means.
When I was very little, I remember driving by the local high school and, in the mornings before school and in the afternoons after school, the entire block across the street from the campus was filled with cigarette smokers. By the time I was in high school, that same block barely made a Reform minyan (girls included).
What changed during those years? Many things. Social Engineering and education are the two things that I can pinpoint.
Cigarette smoking started to be portrayed in a different manner. The schools and social agencies fought the attractive advertisements with some of their own that made smokers look like ugly loosers. At this time it was an uphill battle because every grade schooler could name the different cigarette companies and identify their billboards if they had ever been on a highway in the "big city." And, every news magazine's back page had a cigarette ad.
In addition, the education in elementary school was pretty intense. Health class included presentations from local doctors who came armed with x-rays of smoker's lungs and non-smoker's lungs. And, the doctors would show x-rays of a one year cigarette smoker, a 10 year cigarette smoker, and a 20 year cigarette smoker. Probably the most memorable moment was when my 5th grade teacher pulled a janitor into the classroom to speak. Well, not quite speak. You see, this janitor had cancer in his voice box from smoking and had it surgically removed. He went around to every table and what we saw what still turns my stomach today when I think about it. There is nothing pretty about a man missing a good part of his neck!
My husband went to (modern) Yeshiva schools the entire way through. Last night I asked him what his Health education was like in regards to cigarette smoking. He couldn't recall much, except for a brief talk during high school. Quite frankly, in my opinion, addressing the issues by high school is far too late!
G-d willing, this teshuvah will get communities putting their heads together and thinking about how to combat this terrible addiction. It know that it won't be an easy battle since so many role models smoke and since for many boys, smoking is viewed as sort of a right of passage (Dare I tell you about a family I know who begs their children not to lit up a cigarette at Bar Mitzvah parties. Apparently, in their circle, cigarettes are given to the boys as part of the celebration by the parents-term used lightly).
I don't have too many ideas, but here are a handful:
1. Parents need to make it absolutely clear that not only are their children not to smoke cigarettes, but their children are not to hang out with other children that do this.
2. Parents should be careful not to give too much cash to students, especially if cigarette smoking (or gambling) is an issue in their social circle.
3. The first question in shidduch research should be, "Is he a cigarette smoker?" If the answer is "yes" or even "sometimes, but he is not addicted" (a stupid answer at that) and the conversation ends enough times, the message may sink in that cigarette smoking is not acceptable and that it is a character flaw that is so bad that there is nothing further to discuss. As we all know the fear of not finding a shidduch is overwhelming.
4. Policies need to be put into place for staff members who smoke cigarettes that they are not to do so in front of students, either on or off campus. The same goes for Beit Midrash boys.
5. Education programs need to be instituted at the elementary school level and x-rays and other resources that should "gross out" students need to be used.
6. Lastly, I hear many people make excuses for young cigarette smokers saying that they have no other "outlets" given their schedule and the number of activities that are pas nisht. If this is the case, than I would suggest providing some activities because these cigarette smokers are the future fathers of klal yisrael, and I'm sure we would like healthy fathers and healthy grandchildren.
Hope to hear some of your ideas. And, if your community has instituted programs, are those programs showing signs of success?
In many ways, we are lucky that today the cigarette industry has been limited in their ability to advertise. Those highway billboards and slick magazine ads are basically a thing of the past and it is easier to show cigarette smokers with yellow teeth, stringy hair, porous skin, and more, when you don't have airbrushed models on billboards overlooking the highways, making this terrible addiction look so attractive.
Chazak U'Varuch to the Rabbonim who have issued this psak. May your words reach the ears of many and may you be rewarded for speaking out on an issue that is all to important to ignore.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Graduations
Graduation season with all its fanfare has come and gone.
Now when and where I grew up there was only one graduation ceremony: the high school graduation ceremony. At the end of middle school, I believe that there was an awards ceremony and dessert. And, at the end of elementary school, there was a class party. And, I can't really speak to pre-school, because few if any students in my hometown attended pre-school or nursery, and I highly doubt there was any fanfare upon "graduation."
There was only one opportunity (before college) to dress up in Robes, Mortarboards, tassels, and ropes and walk down the aisle to music in front of family and friends to Pomp and Circumstance, or some other chosen music.
Recently, I have been introduced to a myriad of graduation ceremonies, ranging from the pre-school graduation through the high school graduation. Since I had never heard of such a thing as a pre-school or elementary school graduation, my interest was peaked. And, when we were invited to a Yeshiva elementary school graduation that was being held in a beautiful synagogue, I jumped on the opportunity to attend. (My husband was still at work at 2PM or 3PM in the afternoon, so I went stagg. Well, actually, I went stroller in tow).
I'm not sure what I expected to happen at an elementary graduation. Somehow I did not expect elementary school "graduates" to be wearing the full graduate regalia and to flip their tassel from one side to another. I guess I will have to add graduation robes, to be worn once, to our household budget. Anyone know how much this will run me?
Truth be told, I didn't know companies manufactured gowns in those sizes, or that there was such a market for gowns for elementary school graduations. When I was in high school, I was one of the shorter students. Let's just say it wasn't too easy to find a gown short enough for little me. (Let's just say short Jewish kids weighing around 100 pounds were a small minority in my school that fielded one of the top football teams in the state). I believe the rental gown company ($17 rental) ended up calling their headquarters to have an extra gown shipped special. I wasn't too happy that my $17 check ended up landing me a robe with a few small holes in it. But, at least we didn't have to buy a gown that would never, ever be worn again (the color was hideous, incidentally).
For a while I assumed that elementary and middle school graduations must be something introduced into Jewish schools, for whatever reason, since I had never heard of such a thing. . . Until I started asking around to some non-Jewish kids that I know and work with. Apparently, the graduation business has really bloomed and full scale ceremonies for all ages are the norm, at least where I live. What a surprise! I'm not that old. But, times change quickly.
My personal opinion is that middle school and elementary school graduations (kol v'chomer pre-school graduations) are not necessary and that there is no real need to celebrate, in such a grand fashion, what should be expected. Does anyone expect their child not to graduate pre-school, or elementary school?
It seems to me that when we celebrate what should be expected, it just diminishes real accomplishments. I believe an awards ceremony followed by a dessert would suffice just fine for younger children and that the fanfare should be saved for events that are more significant in the scheme of things.
But, in the meantime, I will just make sure to budget graduation robes and motarboards into the household budget. Let's just hope that nobody decides, in the meantime, that elementary and middle school grads need class rings, professional photos, or other graduation mementos. At least I don't have to worry about a pre-school prom!
So, what does the readership think?
Graduation season with all its fanfare has come and gone.
Now when and where I grew up there was only one graduation ceremony: the high school graduation ceremony. At the end of middle school, I believe that there was an awards ceremony and dessert. And, at the end of elementary school, there was a class party. And, I can't really speak to pre-school, because few if any students in my hometown attended pre-school or nursery, and I highly doubt there was any fanfare upon "graduation."
There was only one opportunity (before college) to dress up in Robes, Mortarboards, tassels, and ropes and walk down the aisle to music in front of family and friends to Pomp and Circumstance, or some other chosen music.
Recently, I have been introduced to a myriad of graduation ceremonies, ranging from the pre-school graduation through the high school graduation. Since I had never heard of such a thing as a pre-school or elementary school graduation, my interest was peaked. And, when we were invited to a Yeshiva elementary school graduation that was being held in a beautiful synagogue, I jumped on the opportunity to attend. (My husband was still at work at 2PM or 3PM in the afternoon, so I went stagg. Well, actually, I went stroller in tow).
I'm not sure what I expected to happen at an elementary graduation. Somehow I did not expect elementary school "graduates" to be wearing the full graduate regalia and to flip their tassel from one side to another. I guess I will have to add graduation robes, to be worn once, to our household budget. Anyone know how much this will run me?
Truth be told, I didn't know companies manufactured gowns in those sizes, or that there was such a market for gowns for elementary school graduations. When I was in high school, I was one of the shorter students. Let's just say it wasn't too easy to find a gown short enough for little me. (Let's just say short Jewish kids weighing around 100 pounds were a small minority in my school that fielded one of the top football teams in the state). I believe the rental gown company ($17 rental) ended up calling their headquarters to have an extra gown shipped special. I wasn't too happy that my $17 check ended up landing me a robe with a few small holes in it. But, at least we didn't have to buy a gown that would never, ever be worn again (the color was hideous, incidentally).
For a while I assumed that elementary and middle school graduations must be something introduced into Jewish schools, for whatever reason, since I had never heard of such a thing. . . Until I started asking around to some non-Jewish kids that I know and work with. Apparently, the graduation business has really bloomed and full scale ceremonies for all ages are the norm, at least where I live. What a surprise! I'm not that old. But, times change quickly.
My personal opinion is that middle school and elementary school graduations (kol v'chomer pre-school graduations) are not necessary and that there is no real need to celebrate, in such a grand fashion, what should be expected. Does anyone expect their child not to graduate pre-school, or elementary school?
It seems to me that when we celebrate what should be expected, it just diminishes real accomplishments. I believe an awards ceremony followed by a dessert would suffice just fine for younger children and that the fanfare should be saved for events that are more significant in the scheme of things.
But, in the meantime, I will just make sure to budget graduation robes and motarboards into the household budget. Let's just hope that nobody decides, in the meantime, that elementary and middle school grads need class rings, professional photos, or other graduation mementos. At least I don't have to worry about a pre-school prom!
So, what does the readership think?
Monday, July 03, 2006
Happy 4th of July
I just wanted to take a brief moment to wish my readers and friends a Happy 4th of July. We are heading to a simcha tomorrow and (weather permitting) will be headed out to the fireworks in the evening. It seems so appropriate to mix a Torah occasion with Independence Day and we are looking forward to both celebrations.
So, a Happy 4th and I look forward to continuing with our regular programming very soon.
I just wanted to take a brief moment to wish my readers and friends a Happy 4th of July. We are heading to a simcha tomorrow and (weather permitting) will be headed out to the fireworks in the evening. It seems so appropriate to mix a Torah occasion with Independence Day and we are looking forward to both celebrations.
So, a Happy 4th and I look forward to continuing with our regular programming very soon.
Am I too tough on the Girls?
A reader thought that I was being too rough on the girls who only want to date learners in my post "Are these the Middot we want to Encourage?"
In short the poster wrote, "I agree with most of this post, but I must take issue with your lack of sympathy for the girls. You have to realize that these girls are trained . . .to believe that (a) only a guy who is sitting and learning is worthy of respect, and (b) the only way for them to achieve a high level in olam haba is to help support a guy who is sitting and learning. Yes, there are some girls who can go through the bais yaakov system and see through this -- but for many of them, the constant hammering of it sinks in, and their desire to marry a learning guy is not merely a preference. The root of this problem is with an educational system whose major goal is not to produce good frum Jews who are shomer mitzvos and have good middos, but to produce guys who will sit and learn and girls who will support them."
Please make no mistake, I find the demands of a large enough handful of future husbands on their future wife's family, the future wife, and more, to be absolutely horrendous. I hold a long outdated belief that it is the husband's job to support the very basic needs of his wife and family. And, for the life of me, I can't understand why, if it is such a great z'chut to support Torah, why the parents of the future husband are bankrolling their sons, rather than looking for others to bankroll them.
So, why do I seem to come down so tough on the girls? Why do I come down on the girls so hard, especially when they are purported to be the victims of the "shidduch crisis?"
Well, simply put, the constant whining makes me tired. I hear so many girls and parents of girls whine that their daughters cannot get dates [with those who meet a huge laundry list of requirements].
I guess I prefer honesty: E.g., "I would rather be single at this stage of my life, than date a man who makes less than $X a year." Or, "I would rather be single than date a man who is not learning, or only plans to learn for x amount of time." Or, "I would rather be single than date a man who works in such-and-such a field."
It may very well be that even with expanding horizons and agreeing to date someone who only meets half the laundry list of requirement that there would be many girls sitting in the wings waiting for dates, but somehow I doubt the "shidduch crisis" would be as great.
Now, while the honesty of certain boys can be a real "turn off," I have to give them credit for their honesty. What I hear is, "I am only willing to marry if my future wife is [skinny, hot, a "breadwinner," and/or comes with a silver spoon in her mouth]." There is no whining, just a statement of what they are willing to accept or not accept. And, nobody asks me to feel terrible for them when they remain single past their prime!
Do I like the demands of some of these future husbands? Absolutely not. Are these the middot we want to encourage? From me, you will hear a loud and unequivocal NO!
But, at least these demanding guys are honest. So, I have to give them credit for that.
So, what do you think? Am I too tough on the girls? Or, am I just doing a service when I tell these girls who claim that they want to be married to expand their horizons?
A reader thought that I was being too rough on the girls who only want to date learners in my post "Are these the Middot we want to Encourage?"
In short the poster wrote, "I agree with most of this post, but I must take issue with your lack of sympathy for the girls. You have to realize that these girls are trained . . .to believe that (a) only a guy who is sitting and learning is worthy of respect, and (b) the only way for them to achieve a high level in olam haba is to help support a guy who is sitting and learning. Yes, there are some girls who can go through the bais yaakov system and see through this -- but for many of them, the constant hammering of it sinks in, and their desire to marry a learning guy is not merely a preference. The root of this problem is with an educational system whose major goal is not to produce good frum Jews who are shomer mitzvos and have good middos, but to produce guys who will sit and learn and girls who will support them."
Please make no mistake, I find the demands of a large enough handful of future husbands on their future wife's family, the future wife, and more, to be absolutely horrendous. I hold a long outdated belief that it is the husband's job to support the very basic needs of his wife and family. And, for the life of me, I can't understand why, if it is such a great z'chut to support Torah, why the parents of the future husband are bankrolling their sons, rather than looking for others to bankroll them.
So, why do I seem to come down so tough on the girls? Why do I come down on the girls so hard, especially when they are purported to be the victims of the "shidduch crisis?"
Well, simply put, the constant whining makes me tired. I hear so many girls and parents of girls whine that their daughters cannot get dates [with those who meet a huge laundry list of requirements].
I guess I prefer honesty: E.g., "I would rather be single at this stage of my life, than date a man who makes less than $X a year." Or, "I would rather be single than date a man who is not learning, or only plans to learn for x amount of time." Or, "I would rather be single than date a man who works in such-and-such a field."
It may very well be that even with expanding horizons and agreeing to date someone who only meets half the laundry list of requirement that there would be many girls sitting in the wings waiting for dates, but somehow I doubt the "shidduch crisis" would be as great.
Now, while the honesty of certain boys can be a real "turn off," I have to give them credit for their honesty. What I hear is, "I am only willing to marry if my future wife is [skinny, hot, a "breadwinner," and/or comes with a silver spoon in her mouth]." There is no whining, just a statement of what they are willing to accept or not accept. And, nobody asks me to feel terrible for them when they remain single past their prime!
Do I like the demands of some of these future husbands? Absolutely not. Are these the middot we want to encourage? From me, you will hear a loud and unequivocal NO!
But, at least these demanding guys are honest. So, I have to give them credit for that.
So, what do you think? Am I too tough on the girls? Or, am I just doing a service when I tell these girls who claim that they want to be married to expand their horizons?
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